Category:

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Countdown with Keith Olbermann

Keith Olbermann…..Ben Affleck
Michael Hilyard…..Kenan Thompson
Richard Wolffe…..Fred Armisen

[ open on “Countdown” opening montage ]

[ dissolve to Keith Olbermann seated at desk with stern expression on his face ]

Keith Olbermann: Good evening, I’m Keith Olbermann. Our fifth story in the “Countdown”: [ image: President George W. Bush with “Racist In Chief” text ] That he is the worst president in our nation’s 220-year existence — indeed, the worst president EVER to head a government of any kind of the whole human history — is beyond dispute. But even Mr. Bush’s harshest critics had, until this week, credited him with a MODICUM of human decency — a decency utterly BELIED by the tape you are presently to see, a tape at which, at a White House press conference, Mr. Bush abruptly launches into a stream of ugly racist invective that would embarrass even David Duke! We turn now to Michael Hilyard, board member of the New York/New Jersey branch of the NAACP. As always Michael, great thanks for your time.

Michael Hilyard: Happy to be here, Keith.

Keith Olbermann: Michael, given the vile nature of his racist tirade, should not Mr. Bush immediately resign?

Michael Hilyard: Well, Keith, I haven’t really seen the tape. Is it… that bad?

Keith Olbermann: It is, without question, one of the most REPELLANT displays of bigotry I have EVER witnessed!

[ cut to Bush delivering a speech on tape ]

President George W. Bush: “…and to conduct a full-scale investigation… to hunt down… and to find those folks… who committed this act.”

[ cut back to the studio ]

Michael Hilyard: I’m sorry. Is that — is that the whole tape? Because, I’ll be honest, I’m not really seeing the racism there.

Keith Olbermann: [ he puffs his cheeks ] “To find the folks.”

Michael Hilyard: [ confused ] “Folks”?

Keith Olbermann: Well, he obviously meant African-Americans.

Michael Hilyard: Really? Well… it didn’t hit me that way.

Keith Olbermann: “We will find the folks.”

Michael Hilyard: Yeah. Also, in that clip, he’s talking about al Qaeda, whose members are entirely Middle Eastern and not Black.

Keith Olbermann: So we have a president who is not only a racist, but also an imbecile.

Michael Hilyard: That — that’s not what I meant!

Keith Olbermann: Michael Hilyard of the NAACP. It’s always so great, thanks for your time.

Michael Hilyard: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant!

[ Hilyard is cut off ]

Keith Olbermann: On our fourth story of the “Countdown”: in his last and desperate moments, the McCain presidential campaign has decided to get its “Nazi” on. Asked at a Toledo rally yesterday to justify the invasion of Iraq, the Arizona senator said: [ image: McCain with quote and “Seig Heil” banner ] “When a brutal dictator threatens his neighbors, responsible democratic government simply must act. Hitler is a good example.” So, let me get this STRAIGHT, Senator! Nazi Germany was a responsible democratic government and Hitler was not only GOOD, but, indeed, in your words: “a good example”? We’re joined now by our own Richard Wolffe, senior White House correspondent for “Newsweek” magazine. Good evening, Richard.

Richard Wolffe: Hi, Keith.

Keith Olbermann: Richard, as you know, throughout this campaign, I have frequently called for Senator McCain’s ARREST! But, with this latest celebration of all things NAZI, has not McCain crossed the line, and, for the good of the country, should he not straight away resign?

Richard Wolffe: Well, Keith, I, too, have been critical of Senator McCain. But to suggest that he has Nazi sympathies, I think, is rather outrageous.

Keith Olbermann: [ modestly ] Courageous? I suppose. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve been called that. That started in high school, with my editorials for the school radio station, and my work as the equipment manager for the cross country team. So… courageous? Sure. Guilty as charged.

Richard Wolffe: Uh — no. Outrageous. Not courageous. Outrageous.

Keith Olbermann: Richard Wolffe, senior White House correspondent.

Richard Wolffe: No! Keith, please don’t cut me off! Please!

Keith Olbermann: Alright, thanks for your time.

Richard Wolffe: I didn’t mean it!

Keith Olbermann: Ahead on the “Countdown”: my bid for a three-bedroom apartment on Manhattan’s upper west SIDE is REJECTED by the building’s CO-OP BOARD! Ostensibly, because my CAT is not allowed under its policy banning PETS! Tonight, my special comment. But, first, on this date in 1903, Eric Blair was born under the pen name George Orwell. He wrote two of the 20th century’s most consequential books — “Animal Farm”… and “1984”. Both of which… I have read. The first, when I was only 19. I have known his real name was Eric Blair since senior year at Cornell. As the leading visionary of his age, were he alive today, Orwell would no doubt admire me greatly. My eloquence, my passion, and, perhaps most of all, my ferocious integrity!

[ organ music pots up ]

And now, “Countdown’s” Worst Person in the World! To “Newsweek” senior White House correspondent Richard Wolffe! [ image: still-shot of Wolffe’s moments-earlier appearance ] ONCE an actual journalist! Mr. Wolffe is now a full-time water carrier for the NAZI WING of the Republican Party! Hey, Richard! HOW MUCH IS HALLBURTON PAYING YOU??!! I HOPE IT’S NOT PAYING YOU IN OIL!!!! [ Affleck stifles his own laughter as the audience explodes ] Seriously, Richard… why not preserve what tiny scraps of dignity you still have left, AND RESIGN?! [ image: Wolffe dressed in Nazi garb ] Richard Wolffe, McCain campaign butt boy, and today’s “Worst Person in the World!”

And now, as promised, a special comment. The letter was brief and to the point. “Dear Mr. Olbermann,” it read. “The co-op board, having reviewed your request for an exception to its “No Pets” policy, in order to accommodate your cat — [ image: Olbermann’s cat ] Miss Precious Perfect, regretfully concludes that, in consideration of the rights of other co-op residents, such an exception is not possible at this time. Sincerely Richard Lieberstein, Co-op President.”

[ Olbermann turns his head to the left to face the next camera ]

And there it was. All perfectly legal. [ image: Japanese-Americans boarding a bus ] Like the 1942 internment of more than 100,000 Japanese American citizens. [ image: Trail of Tears ] Or the forced relocation of the Cherokee on the Trail of Tears. [ image: drinking fountain with “Whites Only” sign ] Or the monstrous injustice of our nation’s Jim Crow laws. It was ALL perfectly legal!! AND!! EVERY BIT AS WRONG!!! If NOT!! Indeed, MORE SO!!

[ Olbermann turns his head to the right to face the next camera ]

Mr. Lieberstein!! [ image: Mr. Lieberstein ] You speak of considerations of the rights of others!! How DARE you, sir?! How DARE you?!

[ Olbermann turns his head again to the right to face the next camera ]

Where, sir, in any of this, were the rights of Miss Precious Perfect considered? [ image: Miss Precious perfect ] DAMN YOU, Mr. Lieberstein!! [ image: Mr. Lieberstein ] DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

[ Olbermann turns a complete 360 in his chair to face right back to the same camera ]

No, Mr. Lieberstein — your decision was based, not on consideration, but on FEAR!!! [ image: Miss Precious Perfect ] Fear of carpets STAINED!!! Of deliverymen CLAWED!!! Of kitty litter, boxes tipped over!! Of hairballs coughed up!!

[ Olbermann turns his head again to the right to face the next camera ]

We have seen this fear before: in Cambodia, under Pol Pot. [ image: skulls and bones ] In Russia, under Stalin. [ image: Stalin ] In Massachusetts, under Mitt Romney. [ image: Mitt Romney ] It is the FEAR, sir, and the TYRANNY of with which we DARE no longer PUT!! I pray thee, sir, let us have done with it!!

[ Olbermann leans back in his chair and cranes his neck to stare into a higher-placed camera ]

And what of the building’s other residents? [ image: the Donnellys ] The Donnellys in 7A. [ image: the Gaspens ] The Gaspens in 4B. [ image: gay guys ] The gay guys in the garden apartment! Their silence is deafening. See they not that HORROR to which the Liebersteins have so willingly blinded themselves? [ image: Miss Precious Perfect ] This, sir, is a GENOCIDE! A FELINE genocide!

[ Olbermann turns his head again to the right to face the next camera ]

And, so, the verdict is rendered, there is no appeal. Miss Precious Perfect, my mother and I, shall find another apartment. For me, the financial damage is negligible. For Miss Precious Perfect, the psychological damage, incalculable! [ image: Miss Precious Perfect perched on a small-sized toilet ] Still, one imperative remains. Mr. Lieberstein, sir, if you yet retain any trace of HONOR, you must, at once, RESIGN as president of this co-op! INDEED, sir, justice and decency DEMSNDS YOU SO TO DO!!!

Good night! Good luck!

[ dissolve to end graphics ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7

08g: Ben Affleck / David Cook

Bierhoff Brothers House of Coats

Klaus Bierhoff…..Fred Armisen
Oliver…..Ben Affleck

[ open on Klaus and Oliver Bierhoff, wearing their company’s thick coats ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! Are you a German who is visiting New York City?

Oliver Bierhoff: Do you need a coat, for valking around?

Klaus Bierhoff: If you answered “YES!” to either of zese questions, you would be a foo-ool not to stop by Bierhoff Bros. House of German Coats!

[ quick reveal graphic of store exterior ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Hello! I’m Klaus Bierhoff!

Oliver Bierhoff: I am Oliver Bierhoff. For twenty years, ve have been providing coats to German families who are visiting the New York City area.

Klaus Bierhoff: Only a Bierhoff coat says “I’m a German! I’m on vacation! I’m sensible! And I am wearing a coat that is functional!”

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya.

Klaus Bierhoff: “I am vith my family. You can tell because ve are ALL wearing the same coat!”

[ reveal such a photo ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Yes. Zis is ze promise that ve made to you vith our coats!

Klaus Bierhoff: Many coats are designed for fashion and so. At Bierhoff Bros., we believe that zose coats belong in ze GARBAGE!

Oliver Bierhoff: Geet reed of zose coats! Because OUR coats are NO NONSENSE! And that is ze ONLY thing that makes sense to us!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! That is our slogan!

[ SUPER: “Our coats are no nonsense and that is the only thing that makes sense to us” ]

Klaus Bierhoff: It’s not a catchy slogan —

Oliver Bierhoff: No!

Klaus Bierhoff: But it’s a FUNCTIONAL slogan!

Oliver Bierhoff: We believe zose catchy slogans…

Together: BELONG IN THE GARBAGE!!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Oliver and I are each wearing the new…

Together: TIMES SQUARE COAT!!

Klaus Bierhoff: The perfect coat for the Times Square area of New York City!

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! Let’s look at the features.

Klaus Bierhoff: Ya ya! Okay. So, look — there’s an outer reflective band, and it says to the taxis: “Do not hit me, Mr. Taxi!” And, zen, the inner reflective band, it says: “I was actually trying to HAIL you, and so!”

There is a hood for when it is raining. [ he pulls up a hood ] And then there is a second hood for when it is raining harder! [ he pulls up the second hood ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Ya! And then there is a red flag you can extend if you lose your family in a crowd! [ a red flag raises from the back of his coat ] FAMILY, WHERE ARE YOU?!! WHERE ARE YOU?!! I NEED YOU!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! And, also, there is a yelling cone that you can use if your family does not see the red flag! [ he holds up yelling cone ] HELLO, FAMILY!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!

Oliver Bierhoff: [ jumping ] WE ARE HERE!! WE ARE HERE!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Alright, I have found you! I have you!

[ they hug ]

Oliver Bierhoff: The new Times Square coat also takes into account that you are an innocent visitor to the city.

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! You have to fit into a fancy restaurant and so, look: the sleeves are removable! [ he yanks off his coat’s sleeves ] Look! I am now properly dressed for a fancy restaurant!

Oliver Bierhoff: What ees zees? Still unsatisfied? Well, my goodness! To that, I say, you are being unreasonable! You should be SATISFIED wih zis coat!!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! But, in an effort to get your business, we have added more features and so!

Oliver Bierhoff: Yes! We have added… a POUCH! [ he oulls out a salami ] For hard salami!

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! [ he reaches into his pocket ] A pouch for REGULAR salami!

Oliver Bierhoff: Yeah! Uh — uh — many other pouches! For sausage, a pouch.

Klaus Bierhoff: Uh — for, for purchases souveniers![ he pulls out a miniature Statue of Liberty ]

Oliver Bierhoff: Klaus? I did not know you purchased this.

Klaus Bierhoff: That is because I was keeping it in my pouch for purchased souveniers!

[ they chuckle at the joke ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Finally! The Bierhoff coat is ze only voat on ze market that can be turned into a tent!

[ reveal tent ]

Oliver Bierhoff: This tent is in case you are robbed and are forced to sleep outside on steps!

Klaus Bierhoff: Okay, we’ve explained enough for now! Goodbye!

Oliver Bierhoff: Goodbye!

[ cut to product slide ]

Announcer: The Oliver Bierhoff Times Square Coat is a proper coat.

[ cut back to Klaus and Oliver ]

Klaus Bierhoff: Yes! So, if you order now, you will receive a Bierhoff Bros. fanny pack!

Oliver Bierhoff: With another fanny pack to keep your fanny pack in!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 7


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

November 1st, 2008

Ben Affleck

David Cook

None

Sen. John McCain

Tina Fey

Cindy McCain

None


A Special Message from Sen. John McCain & Gov. Sarah PalinSummary: In order to raise last-minute awareness for their campaign, Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) purchase airtime on QVC and hawk related pieces of merchandise.

Recurring Characters: Gov. Sarah Palin.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Realizing that his support of Democratic candidates has backfired over the years, Ben Affleck grants his endorsement to Sen. John McCain in the hopes it will benefit Sen. Barack Obama.

Transcript

Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide.

Note: Repeat from 08a.

The ViewSummary: The ladies argue about the Presidential election with special guests Jennifer Aniston (Casey Wilson) and Alec Baldwin (Ben Affleck).

Recurring Characters: Whoopi Goldberg, Jennifer Aniston.

Countdown with Keith OlbermannSummary: Keith Olbermann (Ben Affleck) cuts off his guests after misquoting them, then grouses that his celebrity didn’t enable him to break a co-op’s illegal “No Pets” policy.

Transcript

Target GreatlandSummary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) is the unlikely recipient of a weird UPS delivery driver’s (Ben Affleck) wanton affections.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

The Staten Island ZooSummary: Zoo official (Jason Sudeikis) shows off a falsely accurate student video on the rocking lifestyle of giraffes.

Transcript

David Cook performs “Light On”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Sen. John McCain announces some of his desperate last-minute campaign strategies. Drs. Patrick (Will Forte) and Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing a campaign song. Amy Poehler’s grumpy Aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) comments on the new Fall TV season.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly, Aunt Linda.

Transcript

Night School MusicalSummary: The musical stylings of middle-agers who are fulfilling their Senior Year equivalent.

Grady Wilson´s Put the Fire Back in your Marriage TechniquesSummary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates how to put the fire back in your marriage.

Transcript

The Zolesky BrothersSummary: Brothers (Ben Affleck, Bill Hader) pitch a coming-of-age story complete with unnecessary gay porn.

David Cook performs “Declaration”

Bierhoff Brothers House of CoatsSummary: Bierhoff Brothers (Fred Armisen, Ben Affleck) pitch their Times Square coat.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6


]]>

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Robo-Call…..Will Forte
Ralph Nader…..Bill Hader
Nicholas Fehn…..Fred Armisen
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers. Amy Poehler is not here tonight, because she’s having a baby. [ audience cheers ] Now, here are tonight’s other top stories:

John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled: “Hey, you damn kids, get off my lawn!”

On Wednesday, Barack Obama danced live, via satellite, for the Ellen DeGeneres show, in an attempt to prove that he’s not a Muslim but, rather, very, very white.

According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant.

A woman in Pennsylvania who claimed that a man attacked her and carved a “B” on her face when he saw her McCain bumper sticker, admitted Friday that she made the story up. Still unanswered: Who did this to John McCain? [ image: McCain with “Obama “Hearts” Ayers” tattoo on his arm ]

Seth Meyers: This week, the McCain campaign has been receiving criticism for making automated — or Robo — calls in battleground states, that link Barack Obama to William Ayers. Here to defend the calls… Robo-Call!

Robo-Call: [ stiffly ] Hello, Seth. I’m calling for John McCain and the RNC. You need to know that Barack Obama has worked closely with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers.

Seth Meyers: Uh, actually, he and Bill Ayers just served on an educational board together.

Robo-Call: Ayers is terrorist! Obama is best friend! They are gay-sex married!

Seth Meyers: Robo-Call, I think you know that’s not true.br>
Robo-Call: All Robo-Call know is Obama is Facebook friend with Osama bin Laden!

Seth Meyers: No. no, Robo-Call. How can you say all these things when you know they aren’t true? This is the same thing you did to John McCain in 2000. I mean, aren’t you ashamed of yourself?

Robo-Call: Ye-e-es. Robo-Call ashamed. Robo-Call not expect life to turn out like this. [ he chugs a canister of oil ]

Seth Meyers: Are you having a drink, Robo-Call?

Robo-Call: Seth? Oil?

Seth Meyers: No, I’m good.

Robo-Call: Robo-Call built to give movie times. Now Robo-Call only used to scare old people. Robo-Call feel dirty all the time.

Seth Meyers: Well, then why do you do it?

Robo-Call: Robo-Call want be important. Like attention. Want to impress older brother.

Seth Meyers: Older brother?

Robo-Call: Robo-Cop!

Seth Meyers: Oh, yeah…

[ Robo-Call chugs more oil ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, no… you’re still drinking oil.

Robo-Call: One second! [ he presses a series of his buttons ]

Seth Meyers: Who are you calling?

[ Robo-Call rings; a voice picks up ]

Voice: Hello! Suicide Hotline!

[ Seth reaches over to hang up Robo-Call ]

Robo-Call: Robo-Call so sad. Next week, Robo-Call supposed to tell black people election canceled.

Seth Meyers: Look, Robo-Call — I know you lost your way, but, you know, maybe it’s not too late to go back.

Robo-Call: [ shakes head ] “Saw 5”! Rated R! Now playing, 14th Street Cinema!

Seth Meyers: THAT’S the spirit, Robo-Call!

Robo-Call: Robo-Call reborn!!

Seth Meyers: Robo-Call, everybody!

[ image: Alan Greenspan ] On Thursday, your grandfather finally admitted that he screwed up the economy.

While speaking before Congress on Thursday, Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, said he was “shocked” his ideas led to the current economic crisis, and said “I still do not understand exactly how it happened.” Well, let me see if I can give it a shot: Banks bundled mortgages that had been given to people that wouldn’t even qualify for jury duty, and then sold those along with credit default swaps, which are basically insurance the seller provides to the buyer in case the purchased entity loses value. However, unlike regular insurance, these swaps weren’t regulated, so they failed to meet any standards of responsible business. Then, when everything collapsed, it spread like an infection, because when people are making money, they don’t ask “how”, they just say “Yay!” But, again, you’re the expert!

Mr. Blackwell, the creator of the infamous Worst Dressed list, died this week at the age of 86. It turns out he was caught dead in that outfit.

Seth Meyers: With only ten days to go before the elections, polls show Barack Obama with a commanding lead. Here to comment — oh, no — Ralph Nader.

Ralph Nader: Ohhhhh! Hello, Seth. Hello, Amy. I’ve been traveling this great nation of ours, trying to get on the ballot everywhere I go. People are craving excitement!

Seth Meyers: Actually, it seems to me most people are pretty excited about this race already. I mean, where have you been hanging out?

Ralph Nader: Food co-ops! Art compounds! I was at Burning Man for a couple of days, that was pretty good. The point is, Americans want a fresh look. You know?

Seth Meyers: Fresh look? No offense, but you make John McCain look like Zac Efron.

Ralph Nader: I don’t know who that is.

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Ralph Nader: But I do know Ba-rack Obama raised $150 million this year. Now, how can he not be in the pockets of corporations? You know how much I raised, Seth?

Seth Meyers: How much?

Ralph Nader: Nothing! But a DRama teacher in Ore-o-gan gave me this suit! Seth, we’re about to enter another Great Depression. Don’t you want a president who is already dressed for it? Huh? Hey?

Seth Meyers: Well… it was really good to see you.

Ralph Nader: The American people have had enough… and not only will I fight for them, but so will my running mate.

Seth Meyers: Who is your running mate?

[ Nader raises his hand, which is covered with a sock puppet ]

Seth Meyers: Okay…

Ralph Nader: Manuel! Hello, Manuel… are you fed up? [ in squeaky voice ] Si! Si!

Seth Meyers: Ralph Nader, everyone!

Ralph Nader: And Manuel!

[ Seth reaches over to shake Nader’s hand; Nader relunctantly shakes back, using his sock puppet hand ]

For the first time since 1956, Daniel, and not Michael, is the most popular name for boys. While, for the seventh year in a row, the least popular name for boys is “Al Qaeda #2”.

In Japan, an engineer has developed a sensor which measures and translates a plant’s signals, enabling a potted plant at a cafe near Tokyo to write a regular blog. Oh, the Japanese… so much technology, so little being normal.

Actress Rosanna Arquette, columnist Liz Smith, and Daisy Fuentes are among the celebrities wearing T-shirts saying, “Own Your Age”, which is part of a campaign to fight age discrimination, and not to be confused with my dating website for the elderly: “boneyourage.com”.

Seth Meyers: Here now, with his own take on this week’s top stories, political comedian extraordinaire Nicholas Fehn.

Nicholas Fehn: Thank you! Thank you very much. Uh, for those of you who aren’t familiar with my work, what I do is I read headlines from today’s newspapers, and I provide my own skewed view just off the top of my head. Very humorous, funny stuff. [ lifts a paper ] Let’s start with, uh — oh! This is great. Um — this is today’s New York Times. Check this out: “Some Currecies Plunge as Stocks Sink Worldwide.” Nooo!!

[ he turns to a second newspaper ]

Oh! Oh! This made me so mad! This is — this is an incredible one: “U.S. Mulls Widening Bailout to Insurers.” Who said — did — did that? N-no.

[ he turns to a third newspaper ]

Thank you. Um — okay, I thought of you guys. This is the Boston Globe: “Special Laws Skirt PensionSystem.” Yuo see that there? This is — this is exactly — this is precisely… One of — one of the first thoughts I… mulled over… You take any train, anywhere… and the first — I think any idea we have to at least conquer — at the very top of these scales — we’re — no! None of us are — isn’t — isn’t that exactly what they — they — what the essence is, of everything they — look! I — I never — agriculture in the 30’s – -they — was never — they’re — you, you take — and — look, if I took a patent down, on any kind — they — my, my, my sister had a crewcut —

Seth Meyers: Okay, I’m sorry. Mr. Fehn, sorry. Is this going anywhere?

Nicholas Fehn: You know, Seth… first, I wish Amy was here. She really gets this kind of humor, she’s on top of that kind of thing. And, and, and, and your problem — and please forgive me. Seth, the only — I — I don’t expect anyone here — I don’t even — I — my respect does not — there is, at least, an immersion of — there’s a — if we all shouted at the count of 27 — that — you, and I — I — no, I — I will be the FIRST one, FIRST one to at least listen to — there’s, there’s no acknowledgment of —

Seth Meyers: Nicholas Fehn, everybody!

A new law went into effect in New York, this week, in which dog owners who fail to pick up after their pets will be fined $250 dollars. Which should lead to a slight increase in people nervously looking around for cops while their dog lays one down.

This week on “The View”, co-hosts Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar had a heated exchange that ended with Hasselbeck shouting, “You want some more Barack Obama Kool-aid?” To which former co-host Rosie O’Donnell replied, “Oh yeah!” and burst through the brick wall in the back of the studio.

Seth Meyers: We’d like to close Weekend Update tonight with a shout-out to our dear, dear friend Amy Poehler. We can’t wait to hear. We are so excited for you. This is for you:

Maya Rudolph: [ singing ] “You’re just too good to be true.”

Kenan Thompson: [ singing ] “Can’t take my eyes off of you.”

Together:
“We love you, Amy!
And we just can’t wait to meet your baby!
With chubby cheeks so sweet!
We’ll always love you, Amy!
Yes, we love you, Amy!”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend update”, I’m Seth Meyers! We love you, Amy! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg

Andy Samberg:
“Jah! Rastafarianism
Yes I, Ras Trent
Ba-da ding-ding-ding-ding whooaaaaa!
Who dem?
You no want test me champion sound

Oh fire pon Babylon
and fire pon a batty boy
Rude boy living in the shanty dorms
My roommate Nick is an ignorant bald-head

Now chant down Babylon
midterm essays
Then puff from de chalice
I be make from a Sprite can

Last week I read a book
about Selassie I
Then told my bombaclot parents
I was switching religions

Excuse I!
Oh hot stepper, you do so many dutty crimes
Nyabinghi!
And plus you’re fully skylarking all the time

Doo-da-loo look ya now

Have you ever noticed
how bald-heads suck?
Ba-da-da ding-ding-ding-ding
dong-dang ding-dong duck!

Excuse I for my skanking
give thanks and praise
Me toil part-time
at jah Cold Stone Creamery

In a dub style!
Roller skates…a DVD of Cool Runnings…Murder, She Wrote
Yagga-yagga-yagga yowwww!

Are you there Jah? It’s me, Ras Trent
Are you there Jah? It’s me, Ras Trent

Are you there Jah? It’s me, Ras Trent
Please guide me (mumbles) pon your right path of righteousness

Oh stannaho, stannaho, stannaho, stannahoy Jaaaah!
Fussing and fighting and Zion and Roots
Red Stripe, Shabba, Ragamuffin culture
Me night nurse never want to plant the corn
Skiddily-whoa
Diddily, skiddily diddily diddily…”

(fades out)

Submitted by: the Louis L’Amour Project blog

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Road to the White House

Rep. John Murtha…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Next, on “Road to the White House”: earlier today, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Biden and congressman John Murtha spoke at a rally in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where they attempted to blow the election for Senator Obama.

[ dissolve to Murtha and Biden standing together at rally ]

Rep. John Murtha: How’s everybody doin’ today? Now, before we get started, I want to clear the air about something I said last week, when I suggested that the good people here in Western Pennsylvania are racist. That’s not at all what I meant to say. [ a beat ] It’s more that they’re ignorant, and they don’t know any better. Especially your older ones. They’re just bone ignorant. It’s like someone said earlier in the campaign — I don’t remember who — they cling to guns and religion, because they feel threatened. And that’s so true.

Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, Jack…

Rep. John Murtha: I couldn’t say it any better myself. But enough from me, I’m gonna hand this over to a guy you all know, the next Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden!

Sen. Joe Biden: Thanks, Jack! Thank you very much! Congressman Jack Murtha, everybody! [ the crowd cheers ] That’s alright, that’s alright! Let me tell you something, Johnstown! Two weeks from now, with the help of the people of Western Pennsylvania, we’re going to elect a new President. President Barack Obama! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey, look at that! Look at that, I see we’ve got Pete Harrigan here today! Look at that — a great state senator! Give it up for Pete! Stand up, Pete! Alright, Pete!

Let me tell you something else — and listen to me well. As sure as I’m standing here today, during his first few weeks in office, this brilliant young President is going to be tested! Tested by an international crisis, the likes of which this nation has never before seen! A deliberately manufactured crisis, designed to test his mettle! Alright? Now, in this crisis, he will have to make decisions, decisions that may at first, though they may seem, to the casual observer, seem a little ill considered. Our military may invade Pakistan! Or surrender to the Chinese! We may sell Hawaii to Saudi Arabia! Or just destroy it, so it can’t fall into North Korean hands. But just reserve your judgment. We know what we’re doin’! That’s right! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Mickey Doyle! County Treasurer, everybody, Mickey Doyle! Nice to see you, Mickey?

Rep. John Murtha: If I could say something here. Earlier, what I said about Western Pennsylvania being ignorant — I was misquoted. I meant more, “backward”. Your people out here just don’t understand the modern world. ‘Cause they’re uneducated, and they don’t have radios or that kind of thing. Also, they’re racists!

Sen. Joe Biden: Mark my words! If you take away nothing else from what I say here today, or, indeed, in this entire campaign, remember this: If Barack Obama is elected, we WILL have a crisis! And when this crisis hits — and it will! — in the second week of February, we may do some weird things. We may cede Florida back to Spain! Or Alaska to the Russians! We may blow up every nuclear power plant in the country! We may set fire to Washington D.C.! We may round up all French-Canadians. But don’t lose faith, it’s all part of a plan. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! There’s Pat Reardon, a great assistant D.A. here in Greene County! Pat, good to see ya, Pat!

Rep. John Murtha: If I could, I want to say one more thing about the people of Western Pennsylvania. Has anyone here ever seen a movie called “Deliverance”? No? [ he looks around awkwardly ] Never mind, then.

Sen. Joe Biden: I’m going to say something else now, and I want you to mark well the words that I say! The words that I say — and remember that I said them here today. In the second year of the Presidency of Barack Obama, a young child shall come from out of the North, from a city of steel! And this child shall rule for a time! But the child shall rule falsely! In deceit! By the trident of Neptune! What I have spoken is the TRUTH!!

Rep. John Murtha: Joe, do you think this “child” could be one of them Palin kids?

Sen. Joe Biden: Alright, be silent, come on! [ to the crowd ] Mark well, as I stand here today, the Time of Trouble shall last one year, one month, one day, one hour and one minute. [ he points into the crowd ] Hey Phil! How ya doin’, Phil? Phil Malloy, head of the Local Workers Steel! But at the appointed hour, the Time of Trouble shall end, and peace shall come to this land for one hundred years! The mouse shall bell the cat, the lamb shall lead the lion, the poor and ignorant shall know wisdom and plenty!

Rep. John Murtha: You hear that, Western Pennsylvania? That’ll be your time! What happens after the one hundred years?

Sen. Joe Biden: Beware the man with ONE sandal! He who is not of woman born! That is all I can reveal — the rest is classified!

Rep. John Murtha: Fair enough. You got that, people? Keep an eye out for a guy with one sandal, who’s maybe a robot, or a test-tube baby, or some kind of deal like that! But, if you spot him, don’t, you know, try to handle it yourself! Call the proper authorities!

Sen. Joe Biden: Gird your loins! By the beard of Jupiter, gird your loins!

Rep. John Murtha: I think my loins are okay. I was just at the doctor.

Sen. Joe Biden: Good, good. [ to the crowd ] As it has been spoken, so shall it come to pass! [ he points into the crowd ] Hey! Andy Brennan’s here! Hey, look at that, Andy Brenna! You know Andy Brennan…Andy.

[ dissolve to C-Span card ]

Announcer: We will now leave this event, and go to an Obama/Biden rally in Kansas City, Missouri, where former President Clinton is about to spend two hours recounting the achievements of his administration, before he forgets to mention the Democratic candidate.

[ dissolve back to Biden at the rally ]

Sen. Joe Biden: And, one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Variety Vault

Vincent Price…..Bill Hader
Gloria Swanson…..Kristen Wiig
James Mason…..Jon Hamm
Liberace…..Fred Armisen

[ title card appears on an overhead shot ]

Announcer: And now, Colgate presents “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Now, please welcome your host, the spawn of Moloch – Vincent Price!

[ dissolve to grainy black-and-white tape, the scenery set in what appears to be a haunted mansion, with eerie organ music eminating from somewhere within. Nefarious laughter is heard as Vincent Price slowly rises into frame on a prop elevator. A stuffed raven is on his shoulder.]

Vincent Price: All Hallow’s Eve. When the minions of Samhain come back… [ elevator stops mid-frame] Guys, I’m not fully up yet. You gotta keep pressing the…the thing. [ continues as elevator starts going back down ] …to reek havoc on the living, and – guys, wrong way. Wrong way! Up, up, up, up! Guys! [ only the top of his head is in the frame now ] Guys, what’s going on? [ pause ] Broken? Seriously?! …Fine, hold on a second. [ climbs up off elevator into frame ] All right. Well, thank you all for – [ elevator starts to rise ] Guys, I’m out. Stop it! [ looks at camera ] Thank you, and welcome to my Halloween special! Tonight, prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares, as we [ strokes the raven ] have invited over some of our most famous friends for some tricks…and also some treats! They’ve all agreed to wear costumes, so see if you can recognize them.

[ doorbell rings ]

Let’s see who’s at the door. I hope it’s not a pirate and a spooky spaceman! [opens the door ] From the film “Sunset Boulevard,” Miss Gloria Swanson! And from “Lolita,” Mr. James Mason!

[ Gloria Swanson and James Mason enter. Neither one is wearing a costume. ]

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ confused ] Pirate? I don’t really see a lot of effort as far as dressing like a pirate goes. I thought we agreed you would wear a costume.

Gloria Swanson: I’m a pirate, can’t you tell? It’s about the acting – I’m an actress. That’s what I do, and when I say I’m a pirate, I’m a pirate. Arrrr!

James Mason: She’s a pirate, Price. My Jolly Roger was at full-mast the whole drive over.

[ He and Price watch as Swanson glides towards the camera ]

Gloria Swanson: Arrrr!

Vincent Price: [ unamused ] Okay, very nice. No spaceman costume, James?

James Mason: No, didn’t even open the box. [ chuckles ] Too old-fashioned.

Vincent Price: The suit was too old-fashioned?

James Mason: No, I had two old fashions, and I couldn’t open the box. I’ve been drunk since 11 a.m., Price!

Vincent Price: Please, James, family show!

James Mason: Understood. Say, where are the whores?

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Jeezy-creezy, James! [ looks off-camera ] Gloria, what’s going on over there?

[ cut to Gloria Swanson standing near the fireplace holding a knife up to a pumpkin ]

Gloria Swanson: Get off my pirate ship, or the girl dies!

James Mason: Say, Vincent, do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable? I pissed myself on the way over here. [ Price stares at him in horror/disgust ] Pretty numb down there, so I only know it when it hits my ankles. [ heads towards fireplace ] Gloria, another drink?

Vincent Price: No more drinks! No more drinks! Please! [ organ music starts up ] Now, I’d like to introduce our most horrifying songsmith, ladies and gentlemen – the ghost of Liberace!

[ cut to Liberace playing on a white piano ]

Liberace: Thank you! Well, before I start my song, I wanna show y’all something. [ holds up jewel-encrusted bag ] This is a trick-or-treat bag that was given to me by the president of Argentina. Now, as you can see, it’s covered in sapphires and topazs.

[ Price approaches the piano ]

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] Where’s the ghost costume, Liberace?

Liberace: Ghost? I thought we agreed on restoration France by way of Atlantic City.

Vincent Price: Save your sassy asides for your windowless bars! [ approaches camera ] Now, prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance. I shall recite Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven,” while Liberace provides haunting accompaniment.

[ dramatic piano music starts and a spotlight appears on Price ]

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I ponder weak and weary. [music becomes upbeat ] Over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-” Haunting, Liberace. Haunting! [ annoyed ] “While I nodded nearly-” [ upbeat music continues ] Guys… [ to camera ] Is this music working for you? Because it is not working for me!

Liberace: [ stops playing ] I have some issues with the lyrics.

James Mason: Yes, same here, Vincent. That’s a real downer. Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat. Do you know this one? “There once was a girl named Ragina-“

Vincent Price: [ horrified ] Stop! Family show!

James Mason: You don’t even know where it’s going!

Vincent Price: All the same…

James Mason: [ pause ] …Vagina.

Vincent Price: [ sarcastic ] Wonderful. [ glares at him ] Let’s move on to our pumpkin-carving contest. Ready, Gloria?

[ cut to Swanson holding a half-eaten pumpkin ]

Vincent Price: And she’s eaten the pumpkin.

Gloria Swanson: Arrrrrrr!

Vincent Price: [ annoyed ] That’s great. Just great. Didn’t wanna throw the brakes on that, James?

James Mason: Well, what can I say, Vincent? I’ve never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.

Liberace: I have!

Vincent Price: [ losing his temper ] Cool it, Liberace! [ doorbell rings ] Ah, local children. Children! I’m reminding all of you, children! Especially…all of you. All right, let’s answer the door! [ mutters ] Ooh, yay, yippee…

[ Price opens door to find a young girl dressed as a princess and a young boy dressed as a sailor ]

Boy/Girl: Trick-or-treat!

Vincent Price: Awww! What are you supposed to be, young lady?

Girl: I’m a princess!

Vincent Price: Oh, how adorable!

James Mason: And you, young man. I imagine you’re dressed as some brand of homosexual.

Boy: You’re mean! I want my mom!

James Mason: [ smugly ] That makes two of us. Tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.

Liberace: Oh, I’m good! [ chuckles ]

[ cut back to the kids running out ]

Vincent Price: Kids, no! Don’t go! [ shuts door ] Thanks, James. Now I’m going to wake up in the morning with a house covered in toilet tissue. [ looks into camera ] Let’s wrap it up! [ organ music starts and the elevator slowly begins to lower ] You have just partaken in a celebration most foul, where phantasms and wraiths… [ Gloria Swanson glides across the frame, blocking Price ] You wanna clear frame there? Just wanna- [ shakes head as she exits ] …wander the earthly plane in search of vengeance upon the living- [elevators stops again mid-frame] Guys, I thought we had this thing fixed! [elevators starts moving up and down] Oh great. Oh great. Oh well, have a happy Halloween everybody! [ yelps as he disappears quickly out of frame ] [ title card comes up overhead ]

Announcer: This has been “Vincent Price’s Halloween Special.” Thanks for watching!

Submitted by: Laura Fanjoy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

The Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour

Sen. Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Michelle Obama…..Maya Rudolph
Nancy Pelosi…..Kristen Wiig
Barney Frank…..Bobby Moynihan
Rahm Emmanuel…..Andy Samberg
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Joe Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Rev. Jeremiah Wright…..Kenan Thompson
Bill Ayers…..Bill Hader

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, a message from Barack and Michelle Obama.

[ dissolve to Barack and michelle Obama standing before a glittery curtain ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am Barack Obama, and this is my wife, Michelle. This coming Wednesday, our campaign will run a special thirty-minute address on all four major networks.

Michelle Obama: This airtime was initially purchased so that we could speak to you one last time about the issues.

Sen. Barack Obama: However, with poll numbers putting us so far ahead, we decided now’s the time to play it safe.

Michelle Obama: Instead of a conventional address, we’re going to carefully manage our lead and, well, shake things up…

[ wide shot reveals the full stage with lights all around and Obama’s logo across the stage floor ]

Sen. Barack Obama: With the “Barack Obama Variety Half-Hour”! It’s time to have some fun!

Michelle Obama: Because we got a lead in the polls, and we built it up.

Sen. Barack Obama: We built it up.

Michelle Obama: We built it up.

Together: [ to the tune of “Solid (As A Rock)” by Ashford & Simpson ]
“And now it’s solid
Solid as Barack!
That’s what this lead is
That’s what we got-got-got-got-got-got!”

Sen. Barack Obama: All your favorites from the campaign will be stopping by for songs and skits. Including House Democrats: Barney Frank, Nancy Pelosi, and Rahm Emmanuel.

[ cut to Frank, Pelosi, and Emmanuel ]

Nancy Pelosi: [ to the tune of “Our House” by Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young ]
“Our house, is a very, very, very fine house!”

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: “Fine house!”

Nancy Pelosi: “When the Republicans were in charge”

Barney Frank & Rahm Emmanuel: “Life used to be so hard.

Nancy Pelosi: “Now everything is easy, ’cause of you-ou-ou-ou.”

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: [ chuckling heartily ] And, of course, a party is never complete without… Bill Clinton.

[ cut to Clinton surrounded by two dancing girls ]

Bill Clinton: [ to the tune of “Don’t You (Forget About Me” by Simple Minds ]
“Don’t you, forget about me
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t!”

[ he holds a thumbs-up pose ]

[ cut to Barack Obama ]

Sen. Barack Obama: Yeah! It’s been a long campaign, so let’s have some good old-fashioned fun… with Senator Joe Biden.

Sen. Joe Biden: [ chuckling ] Thanks for inviting me to dinner, Barack!

Sen. Barack Obama: So, Joe, I’m gonna ask: Why did you say that, if I was elected, a foreign power would test me with an international crisis? [ he looks over ] Hey, what are you eating?

Sen. Joe Biden: Oh, this? [ he holds up a rubber foot ] It’s my foot! In my mouth!

[ they both chuckle heartily ]

Sen. Barack Obama: You’ll even see Rev. Jeremiah Wright and University of Illinois at Chicago Professor Bill Ayers.

[ cut to Wright, with Ayers on keyboard ]

Rev. Jeremiah Wright: [ to the tune of “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley ]
“White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!
White devils be craaaaaaaaaazy!”

[ Wright shrugs ]

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: And some serious moments, like Barack meeting the spirit of John F. Kennedy.

[ cut to Barack Obama sitting with eyes closed, as the spirit of John F. Kennedy moves forward ]

Spirit of John F. Kennedy: Hey, Barack Obama. Over the years, there have been many pretenders in the Democratic Party, but you truly are the heir to my legacy.

Bill Clinton: [ steps forward ] Guys! I’m standing right here!

Sen. Barack Obama: Bill Clinton, everybody!

[ cut to Michelle Obama ]

Michelle Obama: So join us, this Wednesday, for the “Barack Obama Variety Half Hour”. I promise it will be…

[ Barack Obama joins her ]

Together: “Solid!”

Michelle Obama: Yes, it is!

Together: “Solid as Barack!”

[ everyone else joins them on stage ]

Together:
“That’s what this show isThat’s what we got-got-got-got-got-got!”

Barack Obama: Don’t forget to vote — FOR ME!!

Everyone:
“Solid!
Solid as Barack!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Viva la Vida”

…..Jon Hamm
…..Coldplay

Jon Hamm: Ladies and gentlemen — Coldplay.

Coldplay: [ singing ]
“I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy’s eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
“Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!”

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn’t believe what I’d become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells are ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can’t explain
I know Saint Peter won’t call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world.”

Submitted by: Jordan Anderson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm’s Monologue

…..Jon Hamm

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!

Jon Hamm: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Aw! It is — it is — it is GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Uh — I have had — I have had a really fun year starring in the critically-acclaimed AMC series, “Mad Men”. [ the audience cheers ] Uh — you know, uh, when I talk to people about “Mad Men”, they always ask me the same questions: “What is ‘Mad Men’?”, “Is that a television show?”, “What is AMC?”, “What number’s that on my cable box?” And “Are you sure you don’t mean A&E?” Not everyone has discovered our show yet.

Uh, so, tonight, in hopes of boosting our ratings, I’d like to tell you what you’ll see if you tune in. “Mad Men” is a… measured period piece, set in the early 1960s, that explores the social mores of advertising excutives who, uh — [ knowing he’s lost the audience ] well, who like to dance! [ he chuckles ] With the stars! It’s a cut-throat elimination celebrity dancing show! And it’s on AMC, ten p.m., on Sunday! Uh — the show stars me… uhhhh, everyone from “C.S.I.”… all of the Phillies, and the Rays… Oh! We also make over homes, but in an extreme way! So don’t miss next week’s episode, it’s — it’s the season finale! And I don’t want to give anything away, but, uh — John McCain and Barack Obama show up… and smoke REAL weed! I can’t believe they agreed to do it, but they did, and it’s on “Mad Men”, ten p.m., Sunday, AMC. It’s — it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, you guys, it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, so watch the WHOLE thing! McCain FREAKS out! It’s crazy! Sarah Palin has to talk him down — she’s there, too!

It’s insane! It’s a great show. Uh, and we have a great show tonight — Coldplay is here. So stick around, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts