Spokesman…..Jason Sudeikis Woman…..Casey Wilson Man with dog…..Bobby Moynihan Stocky black man…..Kenan Thompson Executive…..Fred Armisen
[ quick-cut footage of Wall Street localities ]
Spokesman V/O: Wall Street. The financial capitol of the world. It can be a pretty scary place these days.
[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]
Spokesman: Especially when your portfolio’s in someone else’s hands! That’s why, at Readitrade.com, we put the trading power in your hands.
[ quick-cut footage of various investors living the high-life: drinking lattes, catching cabs, etc. ]
Spokesman V/O: With your Readitrade account, you can manage your portfolio in your own way. so you can enjoy that latte, while you sell your stocks.
[ cut to man playing with his dog as he checks his investments online ]
Spokesman V/O: Or… spend time with an old friend. While you sell all your old stocks.
[ cut to stocky black man talking on the cell phone as he checks his investments online ]
Spokesman V/O: You can even warn friends to sell their stocks, while you sell every one of your stocks.
[ cut to Spokesman standing in front of Wall Street ]
Spokesman: With Readitrade.com, you can do ANYTHING you WANT to do in today’s market!
[ options scroll up the screen ]
Spokesman V/O: Sell stocks. Sell bonds. Sell annuities. Sell your 401(k). Sell your spouse’s 401(k). Sell your parent’s house. Sell your aluminum siding. Sell things you took from church. Sell mutual fund shares. Sell drugs. Or change your password.
[ cut to stocky black man checking the web site from his home ]
Spokesman V/O: Plus, our easy-to-use web site makes trading a snap!
[ cut to Spokesman walking down Wall Street ]
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[ an executive stumbles out of building carrying boxes, bumps into Spokesman and tumbles to the pavement ]
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[ executive checks his investments over his cell phone, then screams in horror ]
Tim Lydecker…..Jason Sudeikis Gov. Sarah Palin…..Tina Fey Reporter 1…..Fred Armisen Reporter 2…..Will Forte …..Lorne Michaels …..Gov. Sarah Palin …..Mark Wahlberg …..Alec Baldwin
[ open on C-Span logo ]
Announcer: We now take you live to the press confenrece of vice-presidential candidate, Sarah Palin.
[ dissolve to press conference setting ]
Tim Lydecker: Good evening, I’m Tim Lydecker, Sarah Palin’s spokesman, and we’re very excited to be holding the Governor’s first official press conference. Now, tonight, nothing is off-limits — while, at the same time, I urge you guys to be cool. Seriously, guys, just be cool. And one last thing: no recording devices, and don’t write anything down.
[ the reporters express their opposition to this rule ]
Tim Lydecker: [ in mock surrender ] Okay, alright, alright! It was worth a shot! Can’t blame me for trying. Without further ado, I present Governor Sarah Palin.
[ Gov. Sarah Palin enters and stands behind the podium ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in front of both the liberal elite media, as well as the liberal regular media. I am lookin’ forward to a portion of your questions, so let’s get started. [ points ] Yes, you?
Reporter 1: What were your thoughts on Senator McCain’s debate performance Wednesday?
Gov. Sarah Palin: You know, I just thought he was great. Because the American people are angry. And John McCain is angry, too. And you can tell he’s angry by the way he sighs and grits his teeth, and he’s always goin’ like: [ she makes a growling noise ] And that Barack Obama? Well, if he’s angry, I certainly can’t tell. His voice is smooth, and, when he’s talkin’, it’s like an angel whispering in your ear. He makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill. So, to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great. [ points ] You, guy?
Reporter 2: Yeah, at a rally in North Carolina this week, you said that you like to visit the “pro-America parts of the country”. Are there parts of the country that you consider un-American?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Oh, you know, that was just my lame attempt at a joke. But, um, yes — New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware and California. [ she gives a thumbs-down ] But, then, also, too, you have states like Ohio and Pennsylvania and Florida, which could be real, real anti-American or real, real pro-American. It’s up to them. [ she winks ] And now, I’d like to entertain everybody with some fancy pageant walkin’.
[ she begins to strut the stage ]
[ cut to backstage, where Lorne Michaels and the real Sarah Palin stare at Tina Fey’s performance on a monitor ]
Lorne Michaels: I really wish, uh, that that had been you.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Well, Lorne, you know, I just didn’t think it was a realistic depiction of how one of my press conferences woulda gone.
Lorne Michaels: Yes, but it’s obviously it’s a heightened reality.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Why couldn’t we do the “30 Rock” sketch I wrote?
Lorne Michaels: Honestly, not enough people know that show.
[ Mark Wahlberg enters ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Mark? Mark!
Mark Wahlberg: I’m looking for Andy Samberg. Where is he?
Lorne Michaels: Mark, that was all in good fun.
Mark Wahlberg: Are you gonna make me bust your head open, too? Because I will. Where is he?
Lorne Michaels: [ pointing ] Third dressing room on the left.
Mark Wahlberg: Thank you.
[ he storms off ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to Palin ] He didn’t like the impression we did of him on the show.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Tell me about it.
[ Alec Baldwin enters ]
Alec Baldwin: Hey, Lorne. Hey, Tina. Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can’t let Tina go out there with that woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I mean, good Lord, Lorne, they call her… what’s that name they call her? Cari… Cari… What do they call her again, Tina?
Gov. Sarah Palin: Uh, that’d be Caribou Barbie.
Alec Baldwin: Caribou Barbie! Thank you, Tina. I mean, this is the most important election in our nation’s history. And you want her — our Tina — to go out there and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have to say for yourself?
Lorne Michaels: Alec, this is Governor Palin.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Hi there.
Alec Baldwin: I see. Uh — forgive me, but I feel I must say this — YOU… are way hotter in person.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Why, thank you.
Alec Baldwin: I mean, seriously. I can’t believe they let her play you.
Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you, and I must say that your brother Stephen is my favorite Baldwin brother.
Alec Baldwin: [ he laughs ] You are a delight. Now, come, let me take you for a tour of the studio. You know, I’ve hosted the show… how many times, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: 175 times.
Alec Baldwin: 175 times!
[ Baldwin walks Palin down the hall, as we cut back to the sketch in progress ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: To answer your question — you know, I don’t worry about the polls. Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what’s gonna happen. The only pole I care about is the North Pole, and that is melting. It’s not great.
[ Baldwin walks up to Fey and whispers in her ear ]
Tina Fey: [ startled ] What? The real one?! Bye-ee!
[ Fey rushes past Palin to exit the stage, as Palin takes the podium ]
Gov. Sarah Palin: Thank you. Now, I’m not going to take any of your questions, but I do want to take this opportunity to say: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”
[ open on backstage kitchen area, as Andy Samberg roots through the fridge. He closes the fridge door to reveal Mark Wahlberg standing in wait along the wall. ]
[ Andy screams ]
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Andy.
Andy Samberg: Ohhhh, Mark Wahlberg! Hi! How are you?
Mark Wahlberg: [ menacingly ] Oh, not so good, Andy. I mean, I saw the last show.
Andy Samberg: You did?
Mark Wahlberg: Yes, I did. And I gotta tell you, I’m very upset about this imitation, the thing with the animals. I mean, what is that?
Andy Samberg: Yeah, it was just a stupid thing we did! It was stupid!
Mark Wahlberg: Well, I gotta be honest with you, buddy — I’ve been thinking about breaking that big, beautiful nose of yours.
Andy Samberg: Sure. sure, it’s big and beautiful… yeah…
Mark Wahlberg: But, you know what? I decided not to, being the churchgoing guy that I am. But, I mean, it’s nothing like me. What was that?
Andy Samberg: I know… I agree with you, and the thing I’d like to say…
[ Amy Poehler walks up ]
Amy Poehler: Hey. How you doing?
Mark Wahlberg: Hey, Amy Poehler! How’s it going?
Amy Poehler: Pretty good.
Mark Wahlberg: You’re pregnant. What’s that all about, huh?
Amy Poehler: [ shrugs ] I don’t know.
Mark Wahlberg: Well, it’s nice to see you. Say hi to your mother for me.
Amy Poehler: Okay.
[ she walks off ]
Mark Wahlberg: So, Andy — where were we?
Andy Samberg: Uh — you were saying my impression was way off.
Mark Wahlberg: Yeah, I mean, look — I don’t get it. It was very inaccurate, you know?
Andy Samberg: Again — yeah…
[ Josh Brolin walks up ]
Josh Brolin: Hey, Mark!
Mark Wahlberg: Heyyy, Josh Brolin!
Josh Brolin: What’s going on?
Mark Wahlberg: How are you doing?
Josh Brolin: I’m good, good!
Mark Wahlberg: You were in the “Goonies” movie, right? [ Brolin nods, confused ] I produce “Entourage”!
Josh Brolin: Yeah, I-I-I know…
Mark Wahlberg: Say hi to your mother for me, alright?
Josh Brolin: Okay. [ turns and exits ]
Mark Wahlberg: And your stepmother.
Andy Samberg: Look, Mark, I-I didn’t mean any offense by you. I’m a fan of your movies…
Mark Wahlberg: Whoa, hold on a second. [ he approaches a donkey being held by a rope by a costumed Kenan Thompson ] Hey! Hey, donkey!
Kenan Thompson: What’s up, Mark?
Mark Wahlberg: How’s it going? You live in a barn, right? I’m in “Max Payne”. Have you see that movie? [ the donkey turns itself around ] Okay, donkey. Say hi to your mother for me. [ he returns to Andy ] So… Andy. I’m — actually, I’m glad we had this talk. I feel better.
Andy Samberg: Good. You know, me, too. [ he grimaces ] “Say hi to your mother for me?”
Mark Wahlberg: [ starts to throw a punch, then stops ] You know what? I’m not gonna go there. [ extends his arms ] Give me a hug. Come on! We’re gonna hug it out, bitch!
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig Kyle…..Josh Brolin
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of heroin, the beach, a car stereo transaction, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! He tried to sell his blood, but it’s tainted with heroin! MacGruber! He’s sleeping on the beach, and stealing car stereos! MacGruber! He’s running out of options!
[CUT to MacGruber, hair disheveled, standing against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to a human traffic supply ship. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Human Traffic Supply Ship.” CUT to a sign marked “Supply Ship Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Merrill: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is booby-trapped! We can’t get out!
Vicky: There’s MORE, Macgruber — that cluster bomb is set to blow in TWENTY seconds!
Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!
MacGruber: [ sitting on the floor and shaking ] Okay, okay, okay, okay! Uh — uh — I’ll tell you what to do, if you give me some money!
Kyle: MacGruber, I’m NOT goving you money, this is your JOB!!
MacGruber: Oh! you’re right, you’re right… I gotta earn it!
Vicky: MacGruber! Focus!
MacGruber: Okay, uh — uh — uh, Kyle, hand me that ping-pong ball…
Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Okay, now how much would you pay… to see me shoot this ping-pong ball out of my butt?
[ Kyle and Vicky shoot puzzled looks to MacGruber ]
Kyle: Huh?
MacGruber: Ten bucks? Come on, it’s a good bargain! I’ve been getting twenty on the street!
Kyle: No, MacGruber.
MacGruber: Okay — five bucks!
Kyle: NO! NO! NO!
MacGruber: Okay, I’m just gonna do it. Just — just — just pay whatever you think is fair. [ he pulls his pants down while remaining in a seated position ]
Kyle: MacGruber!
Vicky: Macgruber, don’t! You don’t have to do this, MacGruber!
Kyle: No, MacGruber!
Vicky: It’s okay, MacGruber!
Kyle: No, MacGruber! You don’t have to —
Vicky: You don’t have to do this!
[ MacGruber’s legs spread apart in front of the camera, and the ping-pong ball flies out and bounces between a stunned Kyle and Vicky ]
MacGruber: Yeah!
[CUT to the traffic supply ship exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig Kyle…..Josh Brolin
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of a car falling from the sky, a snake, and MacGruber losing his possessions.]
Singers: MacGruber! The market’s in a freefall, and he lost all his money! MacGruber! They repossessed his houseboat, and he had to pawn his saxophone! MacGruber! Toilet paper’s a luxury now!
[CUT to MacGruber stealing toilet paper and making a run for it, against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to an Italian mafia hideout. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Italian Mafia Hideout.” CUT to a sign marked “Mafia Hideout Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door’s welded shut! We’re trapped!
Vicky: And, from the looks of this makeshift gamma bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!
MacGruber: Okay, everybody calm down! Just because time’s are tough, doesn’t mean we can’t make it through with our dignity intact! We just have to stick together!
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds!
MacGruber: Right! Kyle! Toss me that bobby pin!
Kyle: [ hands it over ] You got it, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Vicky! Hand me that key!
Vicky: [ hands it over ] Right here, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay. Kyle! Give me a thousand-dollar interest-free loan!
Kyle: What?! No!
MacGruber: Just do it! We’re running out of time!
Kyle: No, I’m NOT loaning you any more money, MacGruber!
Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!
MacGruber: Okay, okay! Kyle! Hand me that watch!
Kyle: [ looking around ] What — what watch?
MacGruber: YOUR watch!!
Kyle: No! I got this from my DAD, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Fine! Vicky! Hand me that bottle!
Kyle: [ hands it over ] Here you go!
MacGruber: [ busts the bottle on the countertop and shoves the shards toward Kyle’s face ] Give me the watch! GIVE ME THE WATCH!!
Kyle: Okay! [ removes his watch and hands it over ] Here!
Vicky: [ whiny ] MacGruber… [ MacGruber snarls at her ] Fine! [ she removes her watch and hands it over ]
MacGruber: [ shakes a sock in front of their faces ] Uh, uh — all your wallets, wedding rings — all your valuables. Put ’em in the sock, now! Now, now, now, now, now, now!
[ assorted valuables are put into the sock ]
Vicky: [ whiny ] Nooo… that’s gross…
MacGruber: Okay, Vicky — how much time do we have?
Vicky: You took my WATCH, MacGruber!!
MacGruber: [ frantically digs through the sock ] I got it… I got it… [ he retrieves the watch ] Okay, it looks like we got about ten — no, no, no! ONE —
[CUT to the Italian mafia hideout exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
MacGruber…..Will Forte Vicky…..Kristen Wiig Kyle…..Josh Brolin
[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]
Singers: MacGruber! Making life-saving inventions out of household materials! MacGruber! He’s been dabbling in the market, and he doesn’t use a broker! MacGruber! He hasn’t checked his stocks in months!
[CUT to MacGruber sipping from a frozen drink and pointing it toward the camera, against footage of flames.]
Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!
[CUT to an abandoned oil refinery. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “Abandoned Oil Refinery.” CUT to a sign marked “Oil Refinery Control Room” as sirens wail.]
Kyle: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This refinery door is pressure-bolted shut!
Vicky: That’s not our only problem, Macgruber — from the looks of that nitrogen bomb, this we’ve only got twenty seconds!
Kyle: What do we do, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Okay, don’t worry, gang — this one’s a piece of cake! In fact, I even have time to check my stocks online! It’s so easy! [ he opens a laptop computer ] I just log into the web site…
Vicky: [ looking at her watch ] FIFTEEN seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: [ ignoring her ] Put in my password… “MacGruber” — do not tell anyone, you guys, I’m serious!
Kyle: MacGruber! What about the bomb?!
MacGruber: Okay, I’ll tell you what’s gonna be “da bomb”, Kyle — is when I use my tremendous stock earnings to take you out to a juicy steak dinner. Oooh-wee!
Vicky: TEN SECONDS!!
MacGruber: Okay, it’s loading…
Kyle: MacGruber! Hurry!
MacGruber: Loading…
Vicky: FIVE seconds, MacGruber!
MacGruber: Annnnnddd… we’re in!this?
[ MacGruber’s face turns sour, as he sees something online he doesn’t like. Kyle and Vicky shrug with bewildered curiosity. ]
MacGruber: What the fu —
[CUT to the oil refinery exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]
Josh Brolin: Thanks to Adele, Governor Sarah Palin, Mark Wahlberg, Alec Baldwin, Oliver Stone, Tina Fey! Thank you to everybody for coming! “Saturday Night Live”!
Carl…..Will Forte Jerry….. Bill Hader Jim Deaver…..Josh Brolin
[Open on generic office building]
[Dissolve to middle-aged businessman Carl sitting at a desk, as Jerry walks in the door. Carl rises to shake his hand]
Carl: Oh, hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, fart face. Ready for the meeting?
[The two men sit]
Carl: Jerry, so this again, huh?
Jerry: Whats the matter, fart face?
Carl: Jerry, its been a week now and I think its about time you stopped calling me fart face.
Jerry: And why is that, fart face?
Carl: Because, for your information, Im not a fart face.
Jerry: Well, thats your opinion, fart face.
Carl: No, thats a lot of peoples opinions, Jerry.
Jerry: Fart face, fart face. Relax.
Carl: Why on earth should I relax right now, Jerry? Give me one good reason!
Jerry: Because Im just kidding, Carl. Im kidding. I dont think youre a fart face.
Carl: Oh. Well, good. You scared me there for a while there, Jerry. [he reaches for phone intercom] Okay, Carol. Carol, send in Jim Deaver.
[Jim Deaver enters and the two men rise to greet him with handshakes]
Carl: Ah, hello, Jim.
Jim Deaver: Great to see you, Jerry.
Jerry: Id like to introduce you to one of the best ones weve got here. His given name is Carl, but he likes to be called fart face.
Jim Deaver: Hello, fart face.
[The three men sit]
Carl: Uh, hello. Uh, yeah. Uh, Jim, could you plug up your ears for a moment, please?
[Jim plugs up his ears]
Jim Deaver: Sure, fart face.
Carl: Jerry, when you call someone a fart face in a contained environment, Ill admit its a funny joke, okay. But to set it loose in a business meeting is damn near unforgivable!
Jerry: Sorry. Youre right. Youre absolutely right. From here on out you are Carl, not fart face.
Carl: Thank you. [Signalling Jim] Jim! Jim?
Jim Deaver: Uh, yes, fart face?
Carl: Yes, uh, Jerry has something to say.
Jim Deaver: Oh, thank you, fart face. What is it, Jerry?
Carl: Its about fart face.
Jim Deaver: What about him?
Carl: No, I mean its about the concept of using the name fart face to describe Carl.
Jim Deaver: Whos Carl again?
[simultaneously]
Jerry: Fart face.
Carl: Me.
Jerry: I think it might be best if we address fart face as just plain Carl.
Jim Deaver: Well, if its all the same, Id like to continue calling him fart face.
Carl: Oh, great! Thanks, Jerry.
Jerry: Look, Im going to miss saying fart face as much as you, but its unfair, because if you spent any time with Carl, youd know his face does not smell of farts but rather of face.
Jim Deaver: Odor wise, Id agree, but Im talking about appearance. See, I believe that if a fart did have a face, [gestures at Carl] it would look exactly like fart face here.
Carl: How dare you!
Jerry: Youve gone over the line, Jim.
Jim Deaver: Well, you served me the Kool-Aid, Jerry. I just drank it.
Jerry: Well, spit it out!
Jim Deaver: No way, I dont want to stain fart faces rug.
Carl: Jim, you know full well that the Kool-Aid were referring to is metaphorical. Spitting it out will not damage anything in this office.
Jim Deaver: Well, tough luck. I love calling you fart face. It makes me feel good and Im not gonna stop. Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face.
Jerry: Jim. Jim, youre being unreasonable.
Jim Deaver: If thats unreasonable, then I never want to be reasonable again. [Jim rises, followed by Carl and Jerry] Fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face, fart face!Carl [overlapping]: No, no, no, you will not do this in my office! No, no, no, no, no!
Jerry: [interrupting] Please, please, please, please. Deaver, Deaver, stop that, stop that, stop that! Stop that or else!
Jim Deaver: Or else what? What are you gonna do about it?
Carl: Nothing.
Jim Deaver: Right.
[The three men sit]
Carl: Nothing at all [Pause] you freakin fart face.
Jim Deaver: What did you just call me?
Carl: Whats wrong, you got fart in your ears, you freakin fart face!
Jim Deaver: Okay, just, just wait a minute here. Youre the fart face!
Jerry: Theres only one fart face in this room and Im looking at him, and boy does his face smell like fart!
Carl: Yeah, thats right. Hes the new fart face!
Jim Deaver: No, hes not! He is a smart face! He is a clean face! He is a tough face! [Choking up] And he is a never-cry face!
Carl: Well, looks to me like hes an about-to-cry face!
[ dissolve to interior, conference room, as the Boss enters ]
Boss: Okay, guys. Sorry to keep you waiting. The train was late. Listen, before we begin, can I please just take a moment to talk about the Fall foliage? Autumn crimsons and browns, and golds, and buttery golds, and buttery browns. Did I say crimson? [ heads nod ] Yeah? Oh, I LOVE this time of year I LOVE it! You know, Fall’s my jam. Has anyone seen the Fall foliage? A quicks Yes or no, starting with Tom. Fall Foliage? Go!
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: No one? Oh, come on! It’s amazing! Okay, you know what? I was seriously thinking about putting together a Fall Foliage getaway just for us. Just for everyone in this room. Go and see the browns, the golds, and the… buttery golds, and… Alright, who’s interested? Let’s start with Tom. Go!
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: Okay, okay, okay… hang on, hang on, hang on. Guys, I don’t think you understand what the Fall foliage looks like… because if you haven’t seen it, you NEED to see it! Toasty oranges! Buttery rusts! I tell you what — I’ll pay all the expenses. I’ll rent a car. You know what? I’ll rent a VAN! I’ll rent a very LARGE van so we can all get together, and I’ll point out the different foliage that I think that everyone should be looking at. And then after we’ve seen it — after we’ve seen this brilliant foliage — if there’s still time, maybe we can go to a gourd farm, pick some gourds… arrange them. [ excited ] So, okay, who’s in? Quick! [ to Tom ] Go! Go! Fall foliage. Yes? No?
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: Alright, look — I — I have never met so many people who didn’t want to go see the Fall foliage in a group! What the hell?! What’s wrong with you?! People LOVE to get in a group and talk about the Fall foliage! It’s stuff people love to do, as a GROUP!! Good God! I’m your BOSS!! This is CRAZY!! [ suddenly smiles ] Oh, wait a second… This is a joke, isn’t it? Right? Okay, this is a joke! Yes or no? Go!
Tom: No.
Kenan: No.
Amy: No.
Kristen: No.
Will: No.
Bill: No.
Bobby: No.
Boss: Okay, you people are AWFUL! Awful, awful people! I don’t get it! I-I-I-I, really, I just DON’T! No one has even noticed my chestnut-colered slacks and matching vest! Look — alright — I’m not gonna get mad! Alright? Forget it. [ a beat ] You know — okay, I just want everyone to know… that I am making butternut squash soup tonight. FIVE different kinds of squash. And I’m gonna make enough for everybody. And it doesn’t need to be, like, a yes or no… it’s just going to be here for everybody to enjoy, okay? Alright. [ he sighs ] And the Fall foliage thing? We can get a van, you know. You let me know, you sleep on it.
[ the Boss exits the room ]
Bobby: I’m sorry — how long ago did he work here?
Kristen: [ thinking ] I think, like, thirteen years ago.
Bobby: And he just… comes back every Fall?
Will: Yep.
Bobby: And… no one ever goes with him?
Kenan: [ ashamed ] Well, I went with him one year. He allowed me to be raped.
Bobby: [ confused ] By… by who?
Kenan: By him.
Bobby: [ bewildered ] He seems so nice.
Kenan: Oh, he was nice about it.
Bobby: Well… I-I can’t wait to have his soup tomorrow.
Trevor Dix….Bill Hader Joshua Rainhorn….Fred Armisen Rowboat….Kenan Thompson Bellman Twins….Amy Poehler, Casey Wilson U-turn committee….Kristen Wiig Science finger….Will Forte
(Opens with NY Underground with Trevor Dix montage. Trevor walks fast down a NYC sidewalk, English accent)
Trevor Dix: New York, New York, a city of 8 million people. (Cut to Trevor sitting in a chair on an outdoors cafe, he gets up) But where do they go at night? Where do they go to unwind? (Trevor gets off a NYC cab) Empire State Building? Times Square? Maybe if you´re a tourist. (Trevor gets on another NYC cab) But if you´re a real New Yorker, where you wanna go is here! (Cut to Trevor in a crummy neighborhood, standing in front of dilapidated buildings filled with graffiti.) The Lower East Side. The Kennel Club. (Cut to the club, its a piano bar) This has been the venue for such acts as Rowboat(picture of the band), The Bellman Twins (picture of the sad twins), The U-turn Committee (picture of them on stage) and Science Finger (cover of their new wave album) to name just a few. Tonight, Joshua Rainhorn. (cut to photo of Joshua in a white blazer, holding a coffee cup) He´s known for his dynamic performances. (Intercut of Joshua tuning his instruments)Leaving some of his audience members “literally weeping” end quote. (cut to Joshua tuning a guitar in the background) Well, looks like the show´s about to start. I´m gonna go get ready.
(Trevor goes to find a seat. Light applause, Joshua plays a sad, slow piano tune. Trevor sits in the audience)
Joshua Rainhorn: (sings affectedly) You´re standing there….your silhouette….your dressing gown….wine and cigarettes….wine and cigarettes…(stops music and goes into spoken word) Charlie Chaplin laughed. All the majors and politicians line up just to dance a waltz with you. (plays some bouncy piano notes) Do, do, do, do, dah, dah…
(Cut to Trevor speaking to the camera)
Trevor Dix: (intense) When Rainhorn plays, we´re no longer in New York. We´re on an island of Crete teaching boys how to dream. We´re in a garage watching our father cry. We´re an obese 15-year-old seeing ourselves naked for the first time.
Joshua Rainhorn: Wao, bam…(retakes the song, slow piano, sings affectedly) Wine and cigarettes….wine and cigarettes. She and the angels come out….who-o-o-o-o…. ho-o-o-o-oh.
Trevor Dix: (looks back from his chair) This has been Trevor Dix with Joshua Rainhorn. And this is another correspondence from the underground.
(Black screen)
Caption: (c) 2008 Trevor Dix productions for Thames online.
