Josh Hartnett: Thank you, thanks for coming along you guys. Thanks, thank you. Thanks a lot yeah, alright… no no no, it’s okay, it’s okay. Thanks a lot you guys.
Hi, I’m Josh Hartnett. Well, you know what? I know you guys are probably expecting to see the same old Josh Hartnett stuff tonight, but… you’re in for a big surprise… because I’m not gonna be the Josh Hartnett that you’re used to seeing, alright?
Jimmy Fallon: Josh, Josh, Josh! Can I talk to you for a second?
Josh Hartnett: Yeah Jimmy, what are you doing? I’m kind of in the middle of something
Jimmy Fallon: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Josh Hartnett: What do you mean? What are you talking about? I’m being the new Josh Hartnett, you know, I think people are kinda sick of the old Josh Hartnett.
Jimmy Fallon: No, not, not, not a good idea.
Josh Hartnett: Well, I’m trying to think outside of the Josh Hartnett box.
Jimmy Fallon: Not cool man! Not cool!
Josh Hartnett: Okay well, how would you know about that anyway?
Jimmy Fallon: I did it already I became the new Jimmy Fallon.
Josh Hartnett: What are you talking about? When did you do this?
Jimmy Fallon: This was way back in 2000
Josh Hartnett: Oh
Jimmy Fallon: Things were different back then.
Josh Hartnett: I remember that.Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I mean, you gotta remember this was a long time ago. This was back before they had iPods, you know This is back when cell phones now they’re this big back then they were this big. I tried to be the new Jimmy Fallon but I was young. I trusted the wrong people I don’t know, take a look
(shows a picture of Jimmy with a mustache and shorts)
Josh Hartnett: That’s that’s not good man.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah I, I know
Josh Hartnett: I mean, that’s pretty bad.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Josh Hartnett: I mean I really can’t believe you still work here
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, let it go! Alright? Look, my point is that not everybody is tired of the old Josh Hartnett.
Josh Hartnett: Really?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah
Josh Hartnett: Are you you’re not tired of the old Josh Hartnett?
Jimmy Fallon: I’ve been working with you all week, I’m a little tired of the old Josh Hartnett.
Josh Hartnett: Well, did you use to like the old Josh Hartnett?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, the new Jimmy Fallon he really, really, really liked almost too much. I mean, do I have to show you the picture again? It was too much.
(shows the picture again)
Josh Hartnett: Yeah, well thanks Jimmy, thanks a lot man.
Jimmy Fallon: You’re welcome.
Josh Hartnett: Do you wanna stick around for the rest of this or
Jimmy Fallon: No, I gotta go
Josh Hartnett: Alright man Jimmy Fallon.
Well, We do have a great show for you guys tonight. The old Josh Hartnett is here. Pink is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
[Opens with a shot of the icy fortress of solitude inthe North Pole. Superman goes in and stands in frontof a bunched up ice made crystals in a podium]
Superman: Finally, after a lifetime of wondering Iwill discover the secrets of my past. With thiscrystal the mystery of my true identity will berevealed.
[Pushes crystal into the podium, a big face of a whitehaired man appears. Heroic music plays]
Jor-El: My son. You do not remember me. I am Jor-El. Iam your father.
Superman: Father!
Jor-El: As time is measured on earth I have been deadfor many thousands of years.
Superman: Who am I?
Jor-El: You are Kal-El. The last son of Krypton.Defender of the light that is truth and justice.
Superman: Father, I have so many questions.
Jor-El: And together we shall find the answers. All myknowledge, all my wisdom are stored in this crystals Ibequeath to you. My only son.
[Heroic music stops. Awkward pause]
Jor-El: So, how’s it going?
Superman: Fine.
Jor-El: That’s good.
Superman: How are you?
Jor-El: Great.
Superman: Cool.
Jor-El: You need any money?
Superman: No, no. I’m all right.
Jor-El: Good.
Superman: Thanks, though.
Jor-El: Sure.[long uncomfortable pause]You’re motherwants to say hello.
Superman: Oh, cool.
[Jor-El goes away, big face of Superman’s mom appears,heroic music plays]
Superman’s Mom: My dear Kal-El. As time is measured onearth….
Superman: Yeah, dad already told me that, mom.
[Heroic music stops]
Superman’s Mom: Oh, so how are you sweetie?
Superman: Fine.
Superman’s Mom: You’re so grown up. And colorful.
Superman: What’s that supposed to mean?
Superman’s Mom: Oh, nothing, nothing. So, do you haveany friends?
Superman: Friends? Yeah, Lois Lane.
Superman’s Mom: Oh, you have agirlfriend.[relieved]Thank God.
Superman: No, mom, mom, mom. She’s not really mygirlfriend.
Superman’s Mom: Oh.
Superman: Yeah, we’re just buddies, we’re just buddieslike Jimmy Olsen, this teenage kid I hang out with.
Superman’s Mom:[distressed]Oh…
Superman: What?
Superman’s Mom: Nothing, nothing, no, nothing Ijust…here, your father wants to say something.
[Angry whispering between the two big heads ofSuperman’s parents]
Jor-El: Hey, son.
Superman: Hey, dad.
Jor-El: So, what else? Do you have a dog?
Superman: No, no. I’m thinking of getting one though.
Jor-El: Good. Great. You should. Well, anyway I betterlet you go.
Superman: Say good-bye to mom.
Jor-El: You bet.
Superman: Ok, bye dad.
Jor-El: Oh, Kal-El?
Superman: Yeah?
Jor-El: Nothing. See ya.
Superman: Ok, bye.
[Jor-El’s face disappears. Superman puts anothercrystal into the podium. An old white haired lady’sbig face appears]
INT. WORTHINGTON LIBRARY – U.K. – EARLY 1900’s – NIGHT
A goateed ALISTAIR CHESTERFIELD, in suit & bowtie, smokes a pipe as FRANKLIN the butler comes forth with a silver tray of tea.
Alistair Chesterfield: Yes – thank you Franklin. Set the tea on the sideboard. I shant be much longer.
Franklin: How’s the case coming along, sir? Any insight on who slain Lady Worthington?
Alistair Chesterfield: Never fear…
Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.
Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield! There’s never been a case I haven’t solved.
The COMMISSIONER, in gray pinstripe suit, stumbles into the library.
Commissioner: Ah Chesterfield!
Alistair Chesterfield: Yes. What brings you to the Worthington estate, Commissioner?
Commissioner: It seems Lady Worthington had relatives in the States and they hired their own investigator.
Alistair Chesterfield: I work alone. You know that. I always have.
Commissioner: Not anymore. I’d like you to meet your new partner – Bookie Newton.
BOOKIE NEWTON, late teens, thick glasses, bowtie & sweater, scurries in.
Bookie Newton: Cheerio, blokes!! Commissioner, I hate to raise any alarm bells, but I observed all the cars are driving on the wrong side of the street.
Commissioner: I’ll look into that.
The commissioner laughs in a sarcastic tone and trails off.
Alistair Chesterfield: If you must be here boy, I suggest you stay out of my way for I am…
Chesterfield faces the CAMERA.
Alistair Chesterfield: Alistair Chesterfield – the man who single handedly solved such mind bending cases as the Sign of the Serpent, the Case of the Missing Crown Jewels, and the Case of Misses Wigglesworth and Her Secret Ecstasy Lab.
Bookie Newton: Well, I’m Bookie Newton and I’m no amateur sleuth and I’ve solved a few cases myself. Like the Case of the Unpopped Kernel, the Case of the Unwashed Gym Socks, and the Case of the Unclaimed Fart.
Alistair Chesterfield: That was you!
Bookie Newton: Mm-hmm. I deduced it to whoever smelt it, dealt it.
Alistair Chesterfield: And whoever denied it, supplied it! I’m familiar with your work.
Chesterfield shakes Bookie’s hand.
SAM NEWTON, in pigtails & reform school uniform, enters.
Sam: Hey everybody! I just peed in a water closet!!
Bookie Newton: This is my kid sister Sam. She’s nine!
Sam shakes her fist at Bookie.
Sam: 9 1/2!!!
Sam smiles.
Bookie Newton: She’s pretty perceptive for her age.
Sam: It smells like old people and murder in here.
Sam whiffs her left palm of her nose.
Sam: Wait a second!! Was an old person murdered in here!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. I can already tell you are going to be of the utmost assistance.
Bookie Newton: If we’re going to work together, there are a few things you should know. First off, I have a fear of water due to swimmer’s ear. I also occasionally wet my bed. So if the case should involve water, I can’t swim in it or drink in it before bedtime.
Chesterfield nods.
Sam: And I’m afraid of clowns. It doesn’t matter if they’re happy or sad, they just plain terrify me.
Bookie comforts her.
Alistair Chesterfield: Fine. Fine, little sleuths. Let me fill you in… We believe Lady Worthington was murdered by a cat burglar interested in stealing her diamonds.
Bookie & Sam pull out large magnifying glasses, which are attached to lanyards around their necks.
Both: Why would a cat want to steal diamonds!!??
Sam: Or better yet, why would Lady Worthington have so much cat jewelry?
Bookie & Sam face each other with the magnifying glasses over their faces.
Both: Let’s figure it out.
Bookie Newton: Cats are related to lions…
Sam: Lions are kings of the jungle…
Bookie Newton: And jungle is part of the rainforest…
Sam: And rainforests are being destroyed by loggers…
Bookie Newton: And lager is a type of beer…
Sam: Made in England…
Both: The scene of the crime is England. Case closed!
Both shake hands and grin. Jackman breaks character by cracking up a little.
Alistair Chesterfield: Not quite. You’ve done very good work, but you’re only halfway there. Still we need a breakthrough.
Sam: I got a breakthrough – why don’t you give us some of that candy?
Sam turns to her left and reaches for a large candy dish. Bookie holds her back.
Bookie Newton: No Sam. You know the rules. Candy gives her nightmares.
Sam: I hate the devil, but I love his sugary poison.
Sam grins in a creepish manner. Jackman again cracks a brief chuckle.
Alistair Chesterfield: Well, my little sleuths, we don’t have much time.
Jackman faces the carpet as he struggles to keep a straight face.
Sam: Fine! Let’s re-enact the crime!
Bookie Newton: Backwards!
Both: A re-en-back-ment!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Excellent! I haven’t done one of those in years. Let’s begin.
Sam gets down on both her knees and places her faces into the floor.
Sam: Lady Worthington was found here – face down on the floor.
Bookie Newton: She obviously fell asleep while outlining herself in this chalk.
Sam: Yeah.
Sam gets up with a candlestick in her hand.
Sam: While she was sleeping, the killer hit her with this candlestick.
Chesterfield grabs the candlestick and begins moving backwards and moves to a mantelpiece
Alistair Chesterfield: Which was grabbed from this cluttered, nearby mantelpiece!
Sam: Yeah. And this must have meant the killer snuck up from behind her.
Bookie begins to walk backwards through a door.
Bookie Newton: Therefore the killer must have entered through this door.
Sam: What happens now, Alistair Chesterfield?
Alistair Chesterfield: It’s simple, Sam. Bookie will keep backing up until he ends up at the killer’s point of origin.
Sam: Well, maybe we should eat some candy while we wait?
Sam moves towards the candy dish. Chesterfield holds her back.
Alistair Chesterfield: Do you think that’s such a good idea, Sam?
Sam: Yes!
Bookie races in, out of breath.
Bookie Newton: I backed up what must have seemed forever. Until I found myself in the butler’s quarters!
Franklin comes behind Chesterfield, setting down a new tray of tea, before everyone turns to him and Franklin shakes the tray and loses control. DRAMATIC REVEAL MUSIC CUES IN. Sanz holds back a laugh as the clutter of the tray nearly hits him.
Franklin: That crusty old bitch deserved it!! She hadn’t given me a raise in 24 years!
Alistair Chesterfield: Take yourself to the nearest jail, Franklin.
Franklin: As you wish, sir.
Franklin exits with poise, but stops at the Newtons.
Franklin: Damn you little sleuths!!
Both: Case closed!!
Both shake hands in much vigor.
Alistair Chesterfield: Shall we share a ride to the train station?
Bookie Newton: Actually, our nanny’s waiting outside and she gives me an erection, so I kind of want to go with her.
Sam: Hey Bookie, what’s an erection?
Bookie Newton: Break it down!
Sam: Well, “erect” means something “straight up”, and “ion” means to “beat it”!!
Alistair Chesterfield: Precisely. Those little sleuths…
Chesterfield smiles as he smokes his pipe, watching them exit.
[instrumental to My Heart Will Go On plays in the background. Images of Celine are shown.]
Announcer: A voice for the ages. The return of a legend at a time when we need legends most.
Celine Dion: [singing under a spotlight] near, far, wherever you are
Announcer: After almost 22 months in retirement, the most important person in the world is returning to the stage.
Celine Dion: I am back! Raise the roof, girlfriend, I am back, huh?
Announcer: Celine has shared her music with us. Now shell share the intimate details of her life.
Celine Dion: Ya know, when I was breastfeeding my son Rene-Charles, my husband Rene was begging me all the time to have sex, I was like, Rene, give it a rest sometime, huh? Cant be getting down on your heart 24-7, huh? [singing] and I know that my heart will go on
Announcer: Opening up about marriage and motherhood.
Celine Dion: You have to open the diaper and look at the poop, huh? Because that is where the truth is, you know what Im saying, sister? You know, you can see what he ate, and if he is digesting good, I do it with the baby, too! [singing] where does the heart beat now
Announcer: Celine Dion. The singer/superstar/everyday normal person just like you and me.
Celine Dion: You know, I am finally knowing about being normal. I am making the toast in the morning, and you know, toast is just bread, and you make it with your hands! You put it in the toaster, you push down the button, and you are making TOAST! I am so lucky because I can make the toast myself, or I can make the chef make it. But why would I because I am the greatest toast maker in the world! [singing] do I love you my oh my, river deep, mountain high
[split frame showing Celine singing and her hosting a talk show]
Announcer: Shes back. Singing her classic songs and telling her classic talk show stories. Sharing a little more than any of us wanted to know.
[back to spotlight scene]
Celine Dion: So we got this frozen embryo, huh?
Announcer: Celine Dion, on CBS. [old persons voice] The old peoples network!
“I tried to explain to Lalani that she could not come back with me to civilization, that she would die there. A tear trickled down her cheek. Then she put something in my hand. It was a shrunken head. The same one that had made us laugh so much that first day.”
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan Jupitarians…..Maya Rudolph, Cameron Diaz, Amy Poehler
[ Open with Astronaut Jones surrounded by large rocks on the planetJupiter ]
Astronaut Jones: [ into transmitter ] Come in earth. I’ve collected some space rock and I’ve tested them. Over. One thing I will say that here on the planet Jupiter there is no life. No one is around. Over. Uh-oh. I hear something.
Jingle: “Rocket! I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase. Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket into outer space. Goodbye, human race. I’ll be there soon.
Blast off! For fun and adventure. Yes, I said adventure collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way on the ol’ space highway. That’s why they all say, ‘There goes Astronaut Jones!’
Hey!”
Announcer: Astronaut Jones! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 8: Voyage to Jupiter”.
Astronaut Jones: Hello, Earth. I’m on the planet Jupiter investigating the rocks and possible life forms. Over. I’m getting a funny reading on my life-o-meter. Wait! Hold on, Earth! Someone’s coming.
[ Three Jupitarians approach Astronaut Jones ]
Jupitarians: [ speaking together ] Earthling.
Astronaut Jones: Uh.
Jupitarians: Welcome. We are the Jupitarians.
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: We come in peace …
Astronaut Jones: Yeah.
Jupitarians: … and wish no ill will on you.
Astronaut Jones: Ok.
Jupitarians: For centuries, we have longed for the day that your people would arrive on our fair planet.
Astronaut Jones: Dig.
Jupitarians: We have much to share with your culture …
Astronaut Jones: That’s cool.
Jupitarians: … and you as well …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … and learn much from our wise ones.
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Jupitarians: One day …
Astronaut Jones: Oh.
Jupitarians: … earth creatures …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … and Jupitarians …
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm.
Jupitarians: … will live in peace …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … and harmony …
Astronaut Jones: That’s sweet.
Jupitarians: … and that by sharing and learning from each other …
Astronaut Jones: I can dig that.
Jupitarians: … we can form a beautiful …
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Jupitarians: … new universe.
Astronaut Jones: Oh, man.
Jupitarians: What say you to this, Earthling?
Astronaut Jones: I say you three ladies hike up those dresses and bend over let me slap those phat asses.
Jingle: “Rocket! I’m taking a rocket. I’m packing my suitcase … “
[ music continues ]
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Bert Convy…..Chris Parnell Jill Kenson…..Amy Poehler Ken Jilson…..Jonny Mosely George Gaynes…..Jimmy Fallon Nipsey Russell…..Dean Edwards Charro…..Maya Rudolph Wayland Flowers…..Chris Kattan Jo Anne Worley…..Ana Gasteyer Richard Dawson…..Seth Meyers LaWanda Page…..Tracy Morgan Paul Lynde…..Will Ferrell Brett Somers…..Rachel Dratch Mary Ann Mobley…..Tina Fey Truman Capote…..Horatio Sanz …..Rip Taylor
V/O: You’re watching The Game Show Network. Coming up next – “Super Buzzers”!
Announcer: And now, it’s the only game show where contestants compete for fabulous cash prizes – “Super Buzzers”! Here’s your host.. Bert Convy!
[ Bert Convy enters late 70’s-style game show set, holding ultra-thin microphone ]
Bert Convy: Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, ladies and gentleman, welcome to “Super Buzzers”! Let’s meet our contestants. She’s a schoolteacher from Palmdale, California – here’s Jill Kenson!
Jill Kenson: Hi, Bert.
Bert Convy: And he’s a schoolteacher from Rodondo Beach, California. Please welcome – Ken Jilson!
Ken Jilson: Hello, Bert.
Bert Convy: Wow! Ken Jilson, and Jill Kenson – that is odd?
Ken Jilson: [ confused ] How so?
Bert Convy: [ laughs ] Let’s play the game! But first, let’s meet our celebrity panel. Now, our first celebrity panelist is a very talented man – he’s a regular here at “Super buzzers”. He’s currently working on a pilot for a new show, where he plays the father of a young teen claled Punky Brewster. He’s George Gaynes!
George Gaynes: Ohh.. hello, Bert, great to be here.
Bert Convy: Now, tell us more about this show you’re working on.
George Gaynes: Ohhh, it’s a wonderful story, Bert. A single father, bringing up a rebel-rousing teen named Punky Brewster. Now, who would name their child Punky? Oh, Punky.. Pun-ky! Punky Brewster. I don’t know how to raise a girl!
Bert Convy: [ feigns laughter ] Great! Annnndd.. enough! Next up, the one, the only, the funny, the talented – Nipsey Russell!
Nipsey Russell: Hello, everybody!
Bert Convy: Now, I understand you have a rhyme for us, Nipsey.
Nipsey Russell: You’re always a winner, you’re never a luzzer.. when you play a game, known as “Super Buzzer”!
Bert Convy: [ chuckles ] Ah, Nipsey, you’re truly the Lord Byron of the ghetto! Fantastic! Now, here’s a woman who can super my buzzer any day – the sexy star of “Broadway and Beyond”, the incredible Charro!
Charro: Berto, you make my breasts big – yes! Once a week, I go on “The Love Boat”! Larry will play a dad, and I play a nanny! Coochie, coochie, coochie coo!
Bert Convy: Okay. Then let’s meet the rest of our panel! Uh-oh! Who do we have here? Our favorite comic and his grouchy sidekick – say hello to Wayland Flowers and Madame!
Voice of Madame: Hiiiiii! Bert, you look marvelous! I’d like to treat you like a popsicle and lick you lal over! [ laughs ]
Bert Convy: [ laughs ] Maybe later, Madame.
Wayland Flowers: Well.. that was.. me.. Waylon..
Bert Convy: Ouch. [ awkward pause ] Uh, Ken.. do you have anything you want to say to Madame?
Ken Jilson: Not really.. are we ever gonna play this game?
Bert Convy: Quiet, please. Hey, there’s no bigger star than our next guest – the incomparable, the astonishing, the irrespressible Miss Joanne Worley!
Bert Convy: [ laughing heartily ] Joanne, as always, it’s a pleasure to have you on “Super Buzzers”! And one of my closest friends – a man who always makes us laugh with his funny, funny jokes – the very funny, Mr. Richard “Funnyman” Dawson! What have you been up to, Richard?
Richard Dawson: [ thinking ] My first wife.
Bert Convy: [ disappointed ] Huh. I missed that. But.. he’s usually very funny.. [ nervous chuckle ] ..as all “Super Buzzer” fans know. [ nervous chuckle ]
Ken Jilson: Excuse me? Can we start now?
Bert Convy: Oh, sure, we can start. Alright, we’ve got a lot of great prizes to win, two eager contestants! So, without further ado, let’s meet some more of our superstar celebrity panel!
Jill Kenson: Hey…
Bert Convy: Now, sitting down here in Row 1, you may know her as Aunt Esther from “Sanford & Son”. Here’s the lovely, the beautiful, Miss LaWanda Page!
LaWanda Page: Bert, flattery will get you everywhere!
Bert Convy: Now, I thought we talked about this LaWanda – need you to wear a bra.
LaWanda Page: I ain’t wearing no panties, either!
Bert Convy: Fantastic. [ moves on ] Look out, ladies! It’s the Chattanooga Charmer himself! Mr. Paul Lynde!
Paul Lynde: [ giggly ] Shu-ut up! Shu-ut up, Bert! I’d like a tall drink of you-ou! Better make it a double!
Bert Convy: [ awkward ] Gre-eat.. [ nervous chuckle ] Next up, star of stage and screen – you know her from “Battlestar Gallactica” and “Match Game ’73”, say hello to Brett Somers!
Bret Somers: [ raspy-viced from chainsmoking ] Hi, Bert.
Bert Convy: Always great to see you, Bret, and you look lovely. And, next to her, is another lovely lady – the Southern Swan – the most beautiful woman alive – Miss Mary Ann Mobley!
Mary Ann Mobley: Hey, Bert – do you like to swing?
Bert Convy: [ nervous laughter ] We’ll talk about that later! [ nervous laughter ] Next up, we have Mr. Truman Capote!
Truman Capote: Ev-ery-one in this house is a mur-der-er. A mur-der-er of the Eng-lish lan-guage! Just kid-ding! no one here is in-vit-ed to my black and white ball.. but Bert! You’ve been giv-ing me.. blue balls!
Bert Convy: Wildly inappropriate, Truman. And, last, we have the laways funny star of variety shows everywhere – it’s Rip Taylor!!
Rip Taylor: [ laughs to thunderous applause ] Hi, Berty!
Bert Convy: Hi, Rippy!
Rip Taylor: Oh, God bless America, Bert! [ puts cardboard American flag wig on his head ]
[ laughs ]
[ removes flag, rubs toupee ] Is it on? It’s a new one. Oh, God! Rug warnings are up – it’s windy as hell outside! [ Bert laughs ] I got this hairpiece from a hind leg of a dog – I go by a tree, and this whole side goes up in the air! [ Bert laughs, as Rip nudges Truman Capote ] Did you get that one, Tru! [ laughs ] I’ve been with a lot of kids – I love kids.. but I can’t bear them!
[ laughs uproariously ]
[ to the groaning audience ] I don’t dance – I didn’t write this crap, so pay attention! [ Bert laughs ] Anyway, kids love these little jokes – If Totie fields married Truman Capote, she’d be Totie Capote! [ Bert laughs, as Rip sucker punches Truman Capote ] Did you get it, you dingbat! And, if Kitty Carlyle married Conway Twitty, she’dbe Kitty Twitty! [ Bert can’t stop laughing ] Wait, I got one more! If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader! [ Bert laughs harder than ever ] I should’ve started with that one, shouldn’t I? And if Pia Zadora married Rich Little, she’d be Pia Little! No, I’m not working with kids, you know why? Because the kids love things like this! [ stands up and waves a bag of confetti over the celebrities, to wild laughter from Bert ]
Bert Convy: Oh, my goodness! Rip Taylor, everybody! Oh, my goodness! [ can’t stop chuckling ] Okay, well, let’s begin the game! Now, Ken, the first question is for you! [ alarm sounds ] Ohhhh.. that alarm means we’re out of time! And Ken is our winner!
] Ken is shocked, but pleased ]
Jill Kenson: Hey!
Bert Convy: Hey, we’ll see you next time, on an all new “Super Buzzers”![ fade ]
[ open on Boston Teens Sully and Denise riding up a ski lift with stranger Wylie, as Tommy films them from the front ]
Sully: Hey, Tommy, is it on? Are you getting this? I want to make sure we document my worst vacation ever!!
Denise: [ angry ] Save it, Sully!
Sully: Here we are on our class ski trip to picturesque Mount Wachusett. To my far right is my girlfriend on nine years, Denise. We are currently not on speaking terms. Snuggly by my side instead, a stranger. What’s your name, Chief?
Wylie: My name’s Wylie. But people call me the Devestator!
Sully: Mmm, the Devestator. That would be a great name for Denise, because she has devestated my trip!!
Denise: I’m the Devestator?! You got a wicked lotta nerve! [ to Wylie ] I fell asleep on the bus ride up here. Sully took it upon himself to draw this Amish beard on my face, as a sign of his love and respect for me! [ lowers scarf to reveal the drawn beard ]
Wylie: [ laughing ] Dude, you look like Abraham Lincoln!
Sully: I thought you’d think it was funny!
Denise: It was a Sharpee! You are retahded!
Sully: You are!
[ silence ]
Sully: [ to Wylie ] So, uh.. how are the trails today?
Wylie: Aw, dude, it dumped huge last night! Eight inches of freshies! It’s a little scratchy on top, but the pow’s in the trees for sure. I caught big air!
Sully: Oh, yeah, you don’t say. Where you from there, Ranger Rick?
Wylie: I’m from Boulder, Colorado, bro. But I’ve been doing this thing where I wanna ride on every mountain in North America before I turn 19.
Sully: Yeah, me and Tommy have a similar goal, involving every flavor of Schnapp’s! Yea-ea-ea!
[ Sully and Tommy give the thumbs-up to one another ]
Denise: He’s been stuck on Peppermint for four years!
Sully: Oh, it speaks!
Denise: Hey, Destructo, you got a girlfriend?
Wylie: Well, I’m kinda seeing these four girls named Gretchen.
Denise: Oh, yeah? What’d you get Gretchen for her birthday.
Wylie: Um.. grapefruit bath beads from the Body Shop..
Denise: Cuz that one gave me a box of microwave popcorn and some AA batteries!
Sully: It was thoughtful! ‘Cuz you love popcorn and your Walkman’s always dying.
Denise: Meanwhile, for his birthday, I dropped $40 on a gift certificate from Structure!
Sully: Which I used to buy that green suit I wore to your mother’s wedding! [ to Wylie ] But, bro, answer me this: What’s the most important thing in a man’s life.
Wylie: Aw, I don’t know, man. Catching air, hitting a rail in a train park, no worries, rock and roll, ride ’til you die!
Sully: Dude, you gotta get your life together.
Denise: Yeah. You can’t make money doing extreme sports. You gotta have goals. Me, I’m certified in elder care.
Sully: I wanna be the next Baba Booey. But until then, I’m keeping my job telemarketing for Jevalia Coffee. Ain’t that right, Denise?
Denise: [ holds up her hand ] Talk to the mitten.
Sully: Denise, come on! Let’s focus on what really matters! I’m always there for you! When you got in a fight with that girl from Billerica, did I not immediately alert you that your obob had fallen out?!
Denise: I woulda figured it out eventually.
Wylie: Dude, can I just say one thing? Maybe it’s because all I’ve had to eat today is four sobis and a nutrition bar for women.. but I feel like I could cry right now. Because there’s only two things in life that are for sure; one is if you go up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start, you get unlimited men on Contra.
Denise: What’s the other thing?
Wylie: Oh, yeah. The other thing is.. love is the only natural high.
Sully: Hey, Denise. Look down there. [ points downward ]
Denise: What? [ looks below, eyes open wide ] Oh, my Gawd! You spelled out “Sully Loves Zazoo” in yellow snow! When did you do that?
Sully: When you were in the crapper trying to scrub that beard off.
Denise: Oh, my Gawd, it’s so romantic!
Sully: I will shout my love from the mountaintops, and forever squirt it into the snowy drifts. You’re my bearded Amish beauty!
Denise: You’re retahded!
Sully: You’re wicked retahded.
Denise: You’re so retahded, you should win an Oscar for your groundbreaking performance as a retahded person.
Sully: You should!
Denise: You should!
Sully: You are!
Denise: What?
[ they start to make out across a squirming Wylie ]
Wylie: Hey, guys! Guys! I gotta lift the bar, come on! Hey, come on! [ he lifts the bar as they separate ] And remember: when you’re getting off, keep your pole in the air!
Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that!
[ Tommy shakes camera yes, as Wylie steps off and skis down the mountain ]
[ Sully and Denise start to make out again, as Frank casually enters scene wearing face mask ]
Frank: Denise! You got any more of those pina coladas you gave me?
Denise: Frank, what are you talking about?
Frank: Genius move hiding it in the sunscreen bottle!
Denise: Frank, that was sunscreen!
Frank: Oh, well.. at least my poop will smell like the beach!
Sully: Please tell me you did not get that on tape.
[ Tommy shakes camera no, as the scene fades to black ]
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
President Bush was criticized this week for not having a clear stance on the Middle East crisis. You know what? Good. The only people with a very clear stance on the Middle East are the crazy people in the Middle East. Okay, I’ve had it up to here with all of them.
Yasser Arafat, don’t talk to us in English and say “I agree to a cease fire” and then turn around in Arab – Arabic and be like, “Hasam, let’s do this.” Okay, we’re on to you. We’ve got like two bilingual CIA guys now, so we know what you’re saying.
And Sharon, when you’re storming West Bank towns and bulldozing people’s homes, try not to look like you love it. ‘Cause you kind of look like you love it.
And it’s only going to get worse, ’cause now when Palestinians blow themselves up, Saddam Hussein will send their family $25,000. That’s a lot of money to these people. They don’t have game shows over there. They don’t have “Fear Factor”. Palestinians would clean up on “Fear Factor”, by the way. They would do very well on “Fear Factor”. Very well, but they don’t have it.
So, today, President Bush has clarified his world views, saying “You’re either with us or with the terrorists.”
[pictured: Kuwait]
Or, you’re with the terrorists, but you have oil.
[pictured: Egypt]
Or, you’re with us, but you hate us.
[pictured: Saudi Arabia]
Or, you’re with us, but you fund all the terrorism in the world.
[pictured: Pakistan]
Or, you’re 100% with the terrorists except for one little guy in charge.
[pictured: Iceland]
Or, you’re with us, but you can’t really help us.
[pictured: Iraq and Iran]
Or, you’re with the terrorists with each other, against us, even though you hate each other. Back to you, Jimmy.
Earlier this week, a man shot himself while inside St. Patrick’s Cathedral. When asked to comment, church spokesman Father Robertson said, “Girl, it’s a scandal.”
Giving in to public pressure, Cardinal Egan gave Manhattan prosecutors a list detailing 40 years of child sex abuse allegations against priests in the New York archdiocese. However, Egan made prosecutors promise that the list was their special secret, and if they ever told anyone else, God would be mad.
Hi, you reached the cell phone of John Walker Lindh. I can’t take your call right now, so leave a message.
Actor James Gandolfini wrote a letter to a Manhattan judge on behalf of his TV son Robert Eiler in an effort to get the robbery charges against the young “Sopranos” star dropped. Let’s say, uh – let’s hope it works better than Conrad Bain’s letter did.
Tina Fey: As you all know, history was made at the 74th Academy Awards when African-Americans took home both best actor and best actress. Here now, fresh off their Oscar wins, are Denzel Washington and Halle Berry.
[camera pans to Denzel Washington and Halle Berry; Denzel laughs, Halle cries]
Tina Fey: You’re welcome. Now, Denzel, you’ve had a few weeks to celebrate. Has it sunk in yet? Has it all sunk in?
Denzel Washington: You know, uh… you know, Tina, uh… it’s a… (laughs) You know, it’s an honor to have won such a prestigious award. I just feel great.
Tina Fey: Now, I see you have two Oscars there. Is that your Best Supporting Actor award for “Glory”?
Denzel Washington: No, no, no. No, it’s not. No. This is Al Pacino’s Oscar for “Scent of a Woman”. He won it over my performance in “Malcolm X” so in the words of my brother Malcolm, “I took it by any means necessary!”
Halle Berry: (cries) I want to thank Lina… and Dorothy… and Shirley from “What’s Happening?” Esther Rolle from “Good Times”!
Tina Fey: Is she okay?
Denzel Washington: No, no, no, Halle is gone. You know, I thought after two weeks she’d run out of people to thank, but she just keeps on keeping on. Unbelievable. We still love her, snot bubbles and all.
Halle Berry: That lady from the Pine-Sol commercials! I love her! Roz Abrams, Tootie from “The Facts of Life”! That topless girl from “Swordfish”! Oh, wait, that’s me!
Tina Fey: Well, Denzel, it must be very vindicating for you, after all your great performances, to finally be recognized like this.
Denzel Washington: Well, you know, Tina, I… uh…
[Julia Roberts enters]
Denzel Washington: Oh, no. Julia, what are you doing here?
Julia Roberts: I love my life! I love you, Denzel!
Denzel Washington: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Julia. My wife is watching.
Julia Roberts: I am so happy for you! What makes this moment so special is me being involved! The thing about me is that I’m rich and famous! There’s something so great about that!
Halle Berry: Nell Carter! Keshia Knight-Pullam! Raven-Symone, you go, girl! Strong black women like my mom!
Julia Roberts: And like me! Me, Julia Roberts!
Tina Fey: The Oscars, people! The Oscars!
After the successful return of an unmanned spacecraft, Chinese officials proclaimed the ship technically suitable for astronauts, furthering the country’s pursuit for space flights. Let me be the first to say, “China, welcome to the 1960’s.”
It was announced this week that after four years in Los Angeles, the Grammys will move back to New York City. Be careful, you guys. My grammy moved to Florida and like a month later, she died.
Tina Fey: (nods head) Bill Clinton – Bill Clinton revealed in Newsweek that he is getting a new chocolate lab to replace his dog, Buddy. Bill says, with Hillary away in D.C., he just needs another bitch in the house.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, snap! Oh, yes, you did!
Tina Fey: (gets up from her chair and starts flapping arms) Oh, no! Oh, no, you didn’t! Oh, snap! OKAYYYYY! (bends body down and stays still like a robot)
Jimmy Fallon: Uh-oh, I think the robot Tina broke down. Maintenance? Chris? I think the battery went down.
(Robot Tina is taken away by maintenance guy)
Jimmy Fallon: Can we get another robot Tina? Thanks. Sorry, folks, we usually get this taken care of in dress rehearsal.
(Replacement robot Tina enters with plastic bag on head, Jimmy takes it off)
Tina Fey: (robotically) Playboy is planning a spread called “The Women of Enron.” (normal voice) Come on, these women have lost their jobs, their retirement funds, and now they’ve got to lose all but this much of their pubic hair? Playgirl magazine is planning a spread called “The Men of Enron.” Editors say it seemed like a perfect match for Playgirl, which is known for photos of collapsing firms.
According to scientists, a mysterious patch of black water off the Florida coast is most likely the result of a bloom of algae. The scientists are probably right, but they still didn’t have to laugh at my shark diharrea theory.
Tina Fey: As fighting continues between Israel and the Palestinians, here with the latest report from the West Bank is Fox News war correspondent Geraldo Rivera. Geraldo, it’s Tina Fey. Can you hear me?
[cut to Geraldo Rivera in Ramallah]
Geraldo Rivera: Tina, I’m here in the West Bank town of Ramallah. It’s the seventh stop on my Tour of Terror. It’s been another hellish day in the holy land in this battle of Bethlehem, in this – this Muslim mayhem, which some have called the “Jihad vs. Jesus”. Earlier this afternoon, Geraldo Rivera, I, was able to thwart a dastardly suicide bomber. A Palestinian man wearing a traditional jelibah approached me, preparing to detonate his dastardly, sorry self. But I said to him, “Geraldo comes in peace.” I did offer him, Tina, a handshake, I offered him a hug, the bomber then held me in his dastardly arms for several minutes whispering sweet nothings in my ear. Truly an affectionate moment between a suicide bomber and an award-winning Fox News reporter. Just two guys talkin’, Tina.
Tina Fey: Geraldo, is Colin Powell’s presence going to have a positive effect on an Israeli/Palestinian cease fire?
Geraldo Rivera: Tina, let me answer that – just moments ago, Colin Powell spoke with Yasser Arafat, as well as Israeli prime minister Sharon. They both agreed that there’s only one man who can possibly broker a lasting peace, and that man’s name is Geraldo Rivera.
Tina Fey: Wait a minute, Sharon and Arafat mentioned you by name?
Geraldo Rivera: Apparently, Tina, this entire war-torn region tunes in religiously to watch Geraldo’s Tour of Terror. I’m something of a cult figure around here, a veritable Jerry Garcia of terror. These groupies follow me around the region. In fact, let’s take a look at my official Tour of Terror schedule.
[show list of Tour of Terror dates and places]
Tomorrow night, catch my Tour of Terror at Nassar Dome in Cairo, Egypt. Then, Geraldo’s Tour of Terror continues at the dastardly Mecca Square Arena in Saudi Arabia with opening act Shakira.
[show graphic of Geraldo and Shakira]
Tina Fey: Geraldo, what will you do after the Tour of Terror is over?
Geraldo Rivera: You know, that’s a great question, Tina. You know, I’ve been asked by Colin Powell to negotiate a West Bank peace treaty with the, uh, king of Jordan, Bashir al-Assad.
Tina Fey: Excuse me, but I believe al-Assad is the prime minister of Syria, not Jordan.
Geraldo Rivera: Well, Tina, if that’s true, I’m truly sorry. You know, of course, I’m only human. I’m born to make mistakes. You know, when you’re on a sold out Tour of Terror, it makes you a bearer of terror, saying a prayer-rer to be, uh, fairer would stop these terror errors. From the West Bank, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.
Tina Fey: Geraldo Rivera, everybody.
Ray Charles – Ray Charles is lending his name to a series of slot machines for the blind. Users can play dollars or quarters and can win up to one million bottle caps.
According to the May issue of Ladies’ Home Journal, Kathie Lee Gifford has written a first draft of what she calls a painfully honest book about her life. “Weekend Update” has obtained a copy of the book and an excerpt: “Me llamo Kathie Lee. Me life very hard sometimes. Me get mucho angry at Mr. Frank Gifford.” Kathie Lee, you had little Honduran kids write this book, didn’t you? Shame on you, Kathie Lee. Shame on you.
Jimmy Fallon: And now, an old friend to “Weekend Update”, children’s entertainer Jasper Hahn, everybody!
Jasper Hahn: Hey there, Jimmy! Oh, this is gonna be fun! I brought a new friend along with me, say hello to Trina Seville!
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, Trina.
Jasper Hahn: She’s going to help me introduce some of my new fuzzy buddies!
Jimmy Fallon: Okay, what are you going to draw for us today?
Jasper Hahn: Well, actually, Jimmy, I’m not going to draw for you today. Me and Trina are going to sing some songs, right, Trina?
Trina Seville: Oh, yeah, Jasper.
Jasper Hahn: She’s nice.
Trina Seville:“I’ve got a friend that lives below the sea, In a bowl of chowder he will never be, Doesn’t like to bathe, doesn’t like to shave, And he lives way down below, I love my stinky-bearded clam!”
(Jasper Hahn pulls out a bearded clam puppet)
Jasper Hahn: “I’m a stinky-bearded clam!”
Trina Seville: “I love my stinky-bearded clam!”
Jasper Hahn:“And I love you…”
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa! Wait! Music out! No, no, hey, that’s – that’s really filthy there, uh… what’s the matter with you two? What’s wrong?
Jasper Hahn: (talking through puppet) What, Jimmy? I mean, what? Wait! Can’t a clam have facial hair?
Jimmy Fallon: That song’s not about a clam.
Jasper Hahn: Shame on you, Jimmy! Shame! I don’t know what you think this song’s about, but shame on you!
Jimmy Fallon: What are you doing hanging out with this guy?
Trina Seville: That’s for me to know and you to figure out. Besides, he writes beautiful songs, like this one:
“I love my little kitty, He’s as sweet as sugar cane, But sometimes he gets in trouble When he’s dancing in the rain!”
Jasper Hahn: “Let me get my hands on that sweet little pussycat!”
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! No, no, no, no! Absolutely not! No way!
Jasper Hahn: What?!
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, no.
(Trina takes out a cat puppet)
Jasper Hahn: What happened?! Aw!
Trina Seville: Meow-meow-meow! Jimmy doesn’t like me!
Jimmy Fallon: No, no, I do. I do like you. That’s not true. In fact, you know what –
Jasper Hahn: That’s a cat.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know what it is. In fact, I like it so much, I’ll let you do one more song.
Jasper Hahn: Aw! Thank you, Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: You’re welcome.
Jasper Hahn: Thank you! You’re gonna love this one, Jimmy.
Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know.
Jasper Hahn: You’re really gonna love this one, Jimmy.
Trina Seville: It’s the best one.
Jasper Hahn: Yep.
“He’s a chubby old rooster, He’s a good ‘ol good time booster! People say he’s lucky, he’ll grant you a wish, If you rub him nicely or slap him like a fish! He’s my big fat co–“
(Jasper takes out a rooster puppet and Jimmy covers Jasper’s mouth)
Trina Seville: “Let me rub that big fat–“
(Jimmy covers Trina’s mouth before she can finish)
Tina Fey: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Tina Fey. That’s Jasper Hahn. That’s Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
