[ Mick Jagger enters his dressing room and sits in front of the mirror ]Mick Jagger: Here we are at “Saturday Night Live” again, I mean what more can I do? I did it in the 70’s, I did it in the 80’s, I did it in the 90’s, and now I’m doing it in.. whatever you call this decade. I mean, think! Think!
[ stares at his reflection, which mirrors back at him in response ]
Reflection: Come on, Mick, we can do this! Right? Yeah!
Mick Jagger: That’s not the point, I mean.. I’ve done this! That’s the point. I’ve done this.
Reflection: What were you planning on doing?
Mick Jagger: Well.. I was gonna come out, and I was gonna, like.. [ motions back and forth with his reflection ] And, then.. I was gonna do, maybe, like.. [ shakes his hands back and forth ]
Reflection: Alright, pretty good, yeah, right.
Mick Jagger: And, then, a thing that the Stones like, punching the air, like.. [ demonstrates punching the air ]
Reflection: Yeah, well, what else you got?
Mick Jagger: Uh, well.. pointing fingers! We do Pointing fingers.
Reflection: Yeah, what is pointing fingers?
Mick Jagger: You know, like.. [ points his fingers at reflection ] ..”I’m pointing my fingers! I’m point my fingers at you!”
Reflection: That’s good, right! A little sta-ile.
Mick Jagger: Sta-ile? [ laughs ] Pointing fingers is what I’ve got going on now! Pointing fingers is today!
Reflection: Oh no, sta-ile! I meant, sta-ile, not great. Sta-ile. [ drinks tea ]
Mick Jagger: What’s you got there?
Reflection: It’s tea. You want some?
Mick Jagger: Yeah! [ grabs cup through mirror, and drinks ]
Reflection: You know, I’ve got a great idea!
Mick Jagger: Get going!
Reflection: Yeah, why don’t you go out and do the Rooster? [ motions like the Rooster ]
Mick Jagger: That’s a great idea, you know, that Rooster. Yeah, why don’t you just put me in a bloody time capsule to 1969! I mean, you said the pointing fingers was sta-ile! I mean, that’s completely sta-ile!
Reflection: Alright, don’t yell at me!
Mick Jagger: I’m not yelling at you!
Reflection: You’re yelling at me!
Mick Jagger: I’m not yelling at you!
Reflection: You’re yelling at yourself! Now, look – just don’t do what you’ve done.
Mick Jagger: What? I’m not dumb! I’m not gonna do what I’ve done! I just do what I do!
Reflection: Well, do what you do. Just don’t do what you’ve done, that’s dull.
Mick Jagger: Well, I’m not gonna do that, am I? I’m just gonna do what I do, that’s what I do!
Reflection: Yeah, alright, well just do it!
Mick Jagger: Alright, then! Well, that’s done and done, then, ain’t it? By the way – you look great!
Reflection: No, no.. we look great!
Mick Jagger: Hey, let’s go over pointing fingers again.
Reflection: Okay.
Together: “And I’m poi-oi-ointing my finger! I’m pointing, I’m pointing, I’m pointing at you-ou-ou-ou-ou!!“
President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Condaleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph Colin Powell…..Dean Edwards General Meyers…..Seth Meyers Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on exterior, White House ]
[ fade to interior, President George W. Bush holding meeting with Condaleeza Rice, Colin Powell and General Meyers ]
President George W. Bush: Thanks for coming, Connie, Colin, General Meyers. Ive called this meeting because with the campaign in Afghanistan winding down, the time is fast approaching when well have to deal with Saddam Hussein to finish a job that shouldve been finished ten years ago – thanks, Dad! Now, General Meyers has been exploring our military options. And as soon as Secretary Rumsfield gets here, he’ll lay them out for us.
Condaleeza Rice: What about the Vice-President?
President George W. Bush: Well, Vice-President Cheney is joining us via videophone from an undisclosed secure location. [ presses button ] Dick? Are you there?
Dick Cheney: I’m here, Mr. President. Condaleeza, Colin, General Meyers.. good to be with you.
President George W. Bush: You’re looking good! Where are you, anyway?
Dick Cheney: [ chuckles ] Mr. President, you know I can’t tell you that!
President George W. Bush: Sorry.
Dick Cheney: That’s quite alright. [ mimes telephone to his ear and whispers ] Connie.. call me!
[ phone rings ]
President George W. Bush: That’ll be Rumsfeld. [ picks up phone ] Hello!
[ screen shows a bearded Al Gore talking on the phone ]
Al Gore: Well, hello, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Oh, hi, Al. How are you.
Al Gore: Wonderful! I finally got through! Listen. I’m just calling to let you know that, despite our differences in the past, I’m fully behind you at this time.
President George W. Bush: Well, that’s very kind.
Al Gore: Well, you know, I just want to offer my services n any way I can to your administration. I’m actually not all that busy right now, so I’m available to help.
President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, that’s good to know. Listen, I may have to let you go, because we’re kind of in the middle of something. You understand.
Al Gore: Oh, certainly, that’s why I’m offering my help. Right now, you’ve got so much on your plate with foreign policy. If you want me to handle, say.. domestic, or whatever.. I’d be available. Because this is a good time for me. It is, I mean, schedule-wise.
President George W. Bush: Well, thanks, Al, I appreciate that, but I dn’t know if that’s really possible..
Al Gore: Or just environmental policy.
President George W. Bush: I don’t think so, Al..
Al Gore: Maybe I could give blood?
President George W. Bush: I think we’re okay on that.
Al Gore: You know, I was thinking – what if we made an appearance together, say, at the White House? After everything we’ve been through, it’d be a tremendous show of unity for the country. My barber suggested that.
President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Yeah, that might be good. Later on.
Al Gore: Wouldn’t that be something? By the way, I want you to know that I do consider you the winner of the election. Over the last six months, I’ve personally counted every Florida ballot myself. And you did win, although it was clo-ose!
President George W. Bush: Right, well.. well, that’s great and all. Listen, I’ve really gotta get rolling here..
Al Gore: I triple-checked, using every conceivable standard.
President George W. Bush: Well, good for you.
Al Gore: [ consulting notebook ] With hanging chads, you won with 159 votes. With swinging chads, you won by 112 votes..
Condaleeza Rice: Who are you talking to?
President George W. Bush: [ hand over mouthpiece ] Gore.
Al Gore: [ still rambling on ] ..you won by 47 votes..
President George W. Bush: Uh-huh. Terrific. Al, listen. We’ve got a lot of work here.
Al Gore: You know, our appearance together, it doesn’t have to be a joint statement. It could just be a photograph.
President George W. Bush: Right. Well, maybe sometime when things cool down.
Al Gore: We don’t have to be the only people in the photograph. I mean, you could be with other people, and I could be behind you in the background just being supportive.
President George W. Bush: Sure. Sure. Maybe when I’ve got more time.
Al Gore: Sure, I understand. If you’re too busy, you could just send me a picture of yourself, and I could simply put us together using Adobe Photoshop.. and then I could release it with your full approval.
President George W. Bush: Al, we may have to pick this up another time.
Al Gore: How about this? As a way of showing my contempt with bin Laden, I could stand with you and publicly shave my beard so I’ll look more like you and less like him.
President George W. Bush: What are you talking about?
Al Gore: Well, I recently grew a beard.
President George W. Bush: No, I know you grew a beard, Al.
Al Gore: Mr. President, I am begging you, get off the phone!
President George W. Bush: Right, right.. Al..
Al Gore: I just think it’d be one more way to allow people to finally get some closure on this election!
President George W. Bush: Al, no defense. I think right now people are focused on the war on terror. They’re way past this election stuff. I know I am.
Al Gore: [ sighs heavily ] Well, George, with all due respect, you’re the one holed up in the White House. I’m out with the people. And, let me tell you, whenever people come up to me, they talk about the campaign and the extremely narrow election and how I feel about it.
President George W. Bush: Well, come on. You’re Al gore. What else are they gonna talk to you about!
Al Gore: Well, you don’t have to be snippy about it.
President George W. Bush: I’m not being snippy!
Al Gore: You are being snippy.
President George W. Bush: I am not being snippy! That’s not being snippy! Explain to me how that’s being snippy.
Al Gore: It most certainly is being snippy! Why..
[ Donald Rumsfeld enters the room ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Who is it?
All: Gore!!
[ Rumsfeld crosses the room and seizes the phone from President Bush’s hands as Gore continues to ramble on ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Get off the phone!
Al Gore: May I ask to whom I’m speaking?
Donald Rumsfeld: Donald Rumsfeld! Get off the phone!
Al Gore: Okay, bye! [ hangs up ]
Donald Rumsfeld: Goodbye!
Al Gore: Talk about being snippy! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
George Lucas…..Darrell Hammond Master Windu…..Tracy Morgan Obi-Won Kanobi…..Seth Meyers JC Chasez…..Josh Hartnett Justin Timberlake…..Jimmy Fallon Chris Kirkpatrick…..Chris Kattan Joey Fatone…..Horatio Sanz Lance Bass…..Jeff Richards Jar Jar Binx…..Dean Edwards
Announcer: And now, HBO First Look: “Star Wars Episode II – Attack of the Clones.”
2nd Announcer: Today on HBO First Look, notoriously secretive director, George Lucas, lets us onto the set of the highly anticipated second installment of his “Star Wars” series.
George Lucas: There’s been a lot of rumors about “Attack of the Clones”, especially from “fans”, about *Nsync being in the movie. I got a lot of nasty e-mails on the subject. I guess the pimply-faced nerd who got a Darth Vader back-pack for his 14th birthday knows better than me, the creator of “Star Wars”. That’s just great. But just forget about *Nsync, you won’t even notice them. The important thing is that this movie is moving toward a totally digital medium. There’s no more film. Take a look at this scene, shot totally on digital video.
(Cut to scene)
Script Guy: Scene 62, take 1.
George Lucas: Action!
Master Windu: Does Anakin Skywalker have enough metecloroids to join the Jedi council? You damn right he don’t!!!
Obi-Wan Kinobi: No Master Windu. Anakin is the only one who can restore power to the force and save the republic from the evil Count Docu. Right, *Nsync?
J.C.: That’s right Obi-Wan Kinobi. And we’re here to save the galaxy and tell kids to stay in school.
George: I think another thing the fans worry about is Jar Jar Binks. I mean – again – “fans”. You know, if you don’t like it, don’t go see it. Guess what? I’m gonna be fine either way, I’ve got billions. But don’t worry, we scaled Jar Jar’s role way back. In the few scenes he’s in, he’s an older, a wiser, more dignified character.
(Cut to Jar Jar)
Jar Jar Binks: Missa go pipi and poopoo and kaka. Missa stinky, winky, glipy, dorpy
2nd Announcer: Close watchers of “The Phantom Menace” may have already seen a few special cameos from other films in the background. According to the director, viewers of the sequel can expect more of the same.
(Cut to George)
George Lucas: I think people got a huge kick out of seeing E.T. in the background scene or uhh the background of the Senate scene in Episode I. So there’s gonna be more surprises, a few more, in “Attack of the Clones”.
(Cut to scene)
Master Windu: I’d like to thank the members of the Jedi council for assembling at such a short notice. Obi-Wan Kinobi, the guy with the crazy neck, Alf, Mayor McCheese, Harry Potter, Cartman from “South Park”, Monica Lewinsky, and finally – Master Yoda.
Yoda: What’s up, homies?
(Cut to George)
George Lucas: It really is a movie for die-hard fans and I’m really excited about it. I think it’s the best “Star Wars” movie yet. And now, I’m proud to present an entire sequence (chuckle) a sequence from my new film – “Attack of the Clones”.
(Cut to scene)
Obi-Wan Kinobi: Master Windu, we haven’t but one choice.
Master Windu: I know Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan Kinobi: We have to do it. in order to save the universe from tyranny and depression, we have to let *Nsync kick the funk out lizzidy new school style.
Master Windu: Ladies and Gentlemen *Nsync!!
*Nsync: [ singing ] “Oh girl, you I know I love you.”
(All Jedis report to space station Alpha Quattro, by order of the force.)
“Oh girl, it ain’t over yet, You’ve come to drown my heart like you were bobba-fat. Without you I feel so alone, Like I was attacked, attacked by clones.
I’m a Jedi knight, in these Jedi days, I can’t forget these Jedi ways, yeah yeah yeah yeah, These rhymes are fresh, I think you’re dope ahh, Help me Obi-Wan Kinobi, cuz you’re my only hope.”
2nd Announcer: This was HBO First Look. Stay tuned to the eighth annual Arli$$ marathon.
Canon Cornell Julius Wilson…..Tracy Morgan Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: Later on C-Span: former employees of Enron discuss their plans to kidnap and murder the company’s executives. The program runs about two hours. But first, from the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., highlights of Thursday’s memorial service for former President Clinton’s dog, Buddy. Buddy, a four-year-old chocolate labrodor retriever, was fataly injured on January 3rd, when he escaped from the Clintons’ Chappaqua, New York residence, and was struck by a car. We now join the memorial service, led by the Rev. Canon Cornell Julius Wilson, already in progress.
[ open on the memorial service ]
Canon Cornell Julius Wilson: So, Lord, we commend the soul of this labrodor retriever to your holy care. To share with you the eternal joy in a place where he’ll retrieve, not bones, not pheasants, not quarterfoul, but love. And the peace which catches all understanding. Amen! And now, to celebrate the life of this noble beast, is President William Jefferson Clinton.
[ Clinton stands and takes the podium ]
Bill Clinton: [ coughs ] Thank you, Reverand. Harry Truman once said, “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.” And during the years Buddy and I shared the White House, I learned just how true this statement is. Buddy wasn’t just a good dog, but a true friend. Whwen I passed the historic NAFTA agreeement, Buddy was there. When I signed the assault weapons ban, Buddy was there. When I created Maracor, Buddy was there. And when I was in a meeting in the Oval Office, and Hillary came down the hall, Buddy.. would.. bark.
[ show Hillary and Chlesea ]
Buddy’s life was not a long one, but during his four years on Earth, he was privileged to witness a period of enormous and exciting change. He watched as the recession inherited from a previous administration turned into the longest period of economic growth in our nation’s history. As record budget deficits became budget surpluses. As illiteracy, crime and out-of-wedlock births declined dramatically. And though we mourn the brevity of his life, perhaps, in a sense, Buddy’s fortunate. Fortunate that he will not have to watch in horror as the new administration turns back the clock on civil rights. As our economic prosperity withers away, and a reckless $1.6 trillion tax cut destroys Social Security.
[ show Al Gore looking up ]
When I first brought Buddy home as a puppy, I was worried that he might not get along with Hillary’s cat, Socks the Cat. And yet, as we see with many married couples, opposites often attract.
[ show mean-looking face of Hillary ]
Buddy.. warm, intelligent, outgoing, sexy. Socks, on the other hand.. more aloof, distant, cold, controlling, manipulative. Buddy was attracted to other dogs, but Socks liked both cats and dogs. People feared Socks, but they loved Buddy. And I want you to take it from me, that dog could.. hump.. a.. leg. If you don’t beleive me, ask my Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shelaya.
[ show Donna Shelaya nodding her head in a agreement ]
Now, not since the tragic accident nearly two weeks ago that took Buddy’s life, I, of course, have thought of all the what-ifs. Perhaps if I had been there, Buddy wouldn’t have gotten out. Or, perhaps if Hillary had been there, she could have run out into the screaming traffic herself. [ laughs, bites his lip, gives the thumbs-up ] I like to think she would have.
[ show mean-looking face of Hillary ]
But what if Buddy had somehow survived the accident? At least, in this case, he would have been covered by veterinary insurance. Something that 80 million dogs, cats, parakeets, lizards and ferrets live without, each and every day. After it was clear that Buddy could not be saved, my next thought was of the 17-year-old girl wh had accidentally hit him. I assured her that it was not her fault, and if she was too shaken to drive home, she could spend the night at the house! Hillary hapened to be out of town. But I told the young woman she was still welcome all the same! [ laughs ] She declined. But I plan to check in on from time to time, to make sure she’s okay. Maybe this weekend!
So, in conclusion, Buddy, we’re gonna miss you. And I want you to remember: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturay Night!”
Best Suey: (tie) Chop Suey and Chop Suey with Wax.
Sexiest Actor: Wax Tom Cruise.
Best Whole Ball: Whole Ball of Wax.
Best Thing of Anything: A Bat Carrying a Block of Wax.
Announcer: Jack Handey’s Best List for 2001 was made possible by generous contributions from: The National Wax Association and The Count and Countess Dracula Foundation.
Megan…..Maya Rudolph Sheldon…..Rachel Dratch Mr. Banglian…..Horatio Sanz Zack Bodorf…..Josh Hartnett Randy Goldman…..Jimmy Fallon
Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for “Wake Up Wakefield”. Fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.
Megan: Well, it’s 7:55 and we are coming at you live from room 312 in the audio/visual department. I’m your host Megan, and this is my best friend and co host Sheldon.
Sheldon: (nervous) hey.
Megan: As always, we are joined by ‘Jazz Times 10’.
(cut to band, only 2 members are there)
Sheldon: ‘Jazz Times 10’ is missing a lot of their members because of the strep throat epidemic way to hang together guys.
Megan: Yeah, a lot of students were exposed to strep especially anyone who participated in last Thursday’s ‘spin the bottle’ game in the back of the band bus.
Sheldon: Yeah I’m glad I wasn’t a part of that.
Megan: Alright, well it’s the first show of the New Year. Sheldon, do you have any new year resolutions?
Sheldon: Umm I wanna translate ‘The Hobbit’ into Latin. Like everybody, I wanna get to the gym more and, you know, try to conquer my chronic insomnia.
Megan: Yeah, Sheldon is afraid that if he goes to sleep, his dad will leave.
Sheldon: I, I told that in confidence did you make any resolutions?
Megan: Well, since it’s a New Year, I am working on a totally new me – one that is both self-confident and independent as a woman. And if that makes Randy Goldman wanna make out with me, he totally could.
(Megan pulls up her legs. On her shoes there are pictures of her and Randy)
– Hey Megan, spelled m-e-g-a-n.
– Wow, you totally got my name right, this must be a dream.
– No it’s not, I love you, let’s get married.
– Hey, what’s happening (make-out sounds)
(Megan puts her feet down)
(sigh) that was totally intense and awesome
Mr. Banglion: Hey gang! (to the band) Hey guys,, how you doing?
Megan & Sheldon: Hi Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: Hey everybody, came by to drop a little science on ya strep’s in the hizaous! So here are a few tips to keep your throat healthy and tip number 1 – don’t share lip smackers, not a good idea.. tip number 2 – don’t put your tongue on the water fountain. I know you like it but it’s not a good idea. And number 3 – take your C’s, get your Z’s, avoid disease! (waves hands from side toside) That’s the anthem so wash your darn hands up!! (laughs) Alright, I’m out of here. Byezees!!!
Megan & Sheldon: Bye Mr. Banglion.
Mr. Banglion: I’m walking, there I go!
Megan: Right okay well, our guest today is here to talk about inter-mural sports. Please welcome fellow seventh grader, Zack Bodorf.
Zack: (in a shaky changing voice) What’s up you guys? How you guys doing?
Megan: Hey Zack.
Sheldon: Umm ok umm, Zack, I understand you are the charter member of the inter-mural club.
Zack: Yeah. I started a Tai Kwan Do club because I’m real interested in marshal arts and I really like violence.
Megan: Hey Zack, you got tall I think your pants are pretty awesome, I mean I don’t care, it’s just that I think it’s pretty cool when a guy is not afraid to wear caprises.
Zack: These aren’t really capris, you see I had kind of a.. (cough, his voice gets deeper) I had kind of a growth spurt over Christmas so
Megan: Yeah, you used to be pretty shrimpy like Sheldon.. but now you’re all rugged like Ashton Kutcher. That’s cool, I don’t even care, it’s just that you’re probably good at kissing . Right?
Sheldon: Now, according to worldbook.com, Tai Kwan Do is a modern marshal art from Korea, characterized by fast, high-spinning kicks. How about a demonstration?
Zack: Sure Sheldon. Well, first the base is you gotta warm up before doing it so warm up. (throws some punches in the air)
Megan: Wow
Zack: Alright. And now (to Megan) I’ll demonstrate on you. This one is called ‘The Angry Cat’.
Megan: Mmm what is this incising, spicy scent?
Zack: Oh, that’s uhh, men’s Spead Stick I started to use deodorant anyway, this is how you flip a guy. (flips Sheldon to the floor)
Megan: Oh my god! I think you totally knocked him out!
Zack: Oh, I’m sorry Sheldon! I didn’t mean it! sometimes I don’t even know my own strength anymore!
Sheldon: Is this blood or pen?
Megan: It’s, it’s pen.
Randy Goldman: Hey, what’s up?
Megan: Oh my god! Randy! This is so awkward you walking in on me and Zack like this but maybe it’s for the best.. ok? So let’s just be adults about this and just lay our cards on the table I never meant to hurt you!
Zack: What are you talking about?!?
Randy Goldman: Whatever.. later dude.
Zack: Yeah dude
Randy Goldman: Later Mandy
Megan: Oh later my name’s Megan back to you Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, that’s all the time we have. Signing off, I am Sheldon.
Hugh Jackman: Well, thank you! They told me you guys were good, but you’re real good, I’ll tell you! It is a great thrill for me to be here – in New York City, the greatest city in the world, hosting “Saturay Night Live”. I suppose most of you probably know me from a movie called “The X-Men”. [ audience claps ] Five of you, thank you! But, listen, I’ll be making the transition to romantic comedy. I’m in this romantic comedy with Meg Ryan – not that I’m plugging it or anything – but I thought I should come out here and do something romantic.
So, somebody suggested that maybe I should take my shirt off.. [ female audience screams ] ..and gently hold Rachel Dratch. Which was actually Rachel’s idea.
[ Rachel Dratch runs up and hugs Hugh ]
Rachel Dratch: I still think it’s a good idea!
Hugh Jackman: No, it is.. it’s a great idea, Rachel.. really, honestly. Rachel Dratch! [ Rachel exits ] And then, somebody suggested I should come out here as Wolverine and torch up a blunt and get a major freak-on.
[ Tracy Morgan steps up, excited ]
Tracy Morgan: I’m telling you, it would work! Trust me, Wolverine! Trust me, it’s gonna be hilarious!
Hugh Jackman: It might work, Tracy.. if I knew what the hell you were talking about. [ Tracy exits ] But, listen, it’s Christmas, and I’m in New York.. and I thought to myself, what would I be doing if I was in Australia right now?
[ Female Audience member yells out “Australia!” ]
Just like her – getting drunk and throwing up! We’ve got some Aussies here tonight – welcome! But seriously, it’s summer there right now, and, every year, what we do is a tradition called Carols by Candlelight. Everyone’s outside, and everyone’s got these candles and we have this huge concert where 100,000 people get there, outside, and it’s amazing and one of the most profound things I’ve ever done in my life. Anyway, it’s Christmas, I’m in New York.. and whether you’re in Australia or New York, this is one of the most amazing times of the year. Especially this year.
[ grabs microphone and sings, as Amy Poehler, Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch surround him ]
“Have yourself a merry little Christmas Let your heart be light. From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas Make the Yule-tide gay. From now on, our troubles will be miles away.
Here were are as in olden days happy golden days of yore. Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more.
Through the years we all will be together If the Fates allow. Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.”
We have a huge show for you here tonight. Mick Jagger is here, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths, rendering them all the more extraordinary!
George Bush!
Ronald Reagan!
Jimmy Carter!
Gerald Ford!
Pitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against Earth and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might.
X-Presidents!
[ open on interior, X-Presidents secret headquarters ]
Ronald Reagan: Jalalabad? Tora Bora? What a freakin’ snooze-fest! Wars are supposed to take four days – tops!
George Bush: [ making out with Barbara in the hot tub ] It’s all Ford’s fault! He weakened the CIA!
Gerald Ford: [ playing paddleball and dreaming ] Sand-wich..
Ronald Reagan: It’s everyone’s fault, but mine. Bush, you’re the one who trained bin Laden against the Soviets!
Jimmy Carter: What did I do?
Ronald Reagan: You’re kidding, right? Your foreign policy was gayer than a Cher impersonator.
Jimmy Carter: Come on!
Ronald Reagan: Richard Simmons thought you were soft!
[ Bill Clinton enters, wearing a Superman-like costume and a mask with a long nose over his crotch ]
Bill Clinton: Hey, fellas, don’t forget me!
George Bush: Didn’t we tell ya, no costumes?
Ronald Reagan: Clinton, you’re the most to blame! If you worked half as hard as your dick, bin Laden would have been caught years ago!
Bill Clinton: That’s not fair!
Ronald Reagan: Maybe if bin Laden had been a fat girl, you might have tried to find him!
George Bush: [ laughing ] Gip’s on a roll! [ smiles as Barbara goes underwater to pleasure him further ]
Ronald Reagan: Shut up!
Bill Clinton: Come on, fellas, I know I don’t have fancy radioactive powers. But I built a new robot. [ robot enters wearing bra and thong ] I designed it with Leo DiCaprio.
Jimmy Carter: What does it do?
Bill Clinton: What doesn’t it do! [ pats the robot’s thong-covered ass ]
Ronald Reagan: [ annoyed ] Get out! It’s time we took care of this thing. As presidents, we crippled our country’s intelligence. Now, we’ve got to find bin Laden ourselves! Undercover!
Jimmy Carter: [ shaking ] You mean.. spy?
Ronald Reagan: Try not to wet yourself, Carter.
Jimmy Carter: Too late. [ pants are shown to be wet ]
Ronald Reagan: I’m not saying it’ll be easy. We’ll have to use all the insight we gained from Grenada.
Bob Dole: [ dusting a bookcase ] Can I come, too?
Ronald Reagan: Dole, just be glad we let you be butler!
Bob Dole: Right.
[ dissolve to the X-Presidents wearing colorful disguises while walking through Afghanistan ]
Ronald Reagan: Okay, remember – first we ingratiate ourselves. Then, we get the word on the street.
George Bush: [ waving to Afghanis ] Hi! Death to America!
Bill Clinton: Bush is Satan! [ to Bush ] Not you.. your son.
Jimmy Carter: [ talking to cave guard ] Yes. Bin Laden.. we are looking for. We’re his old friends..
Ronald Reagan: Yeah. We went to Asshole School together!
Jimmy Carter: [ attempts to address the Afghani in his own language ]
Ronald Reagan: Alright, my turn!
Jimmy Carter: But I have experience negotiating with this culture!
Ronald Reagan: I know you do – that’s how I got elected. Now, watch and learn!
Jimmy Carter: But you don’t speak Arabic!
Ronald Reagan: It’s all about confidence. [ demonstrates, but gets nowhere in his conversation with the guard ] He’s just talking gibberish. I don’t know what he’s saying!
[ suddenly, a group of Afgani rebels begin an attack ]
Jimmy Carter: Uh-oh! [ relieves in his pants ]
Gerald Ford: [ confused ] Sand-wich..?
[ suddenly, Ace and Gary, the Ambiguously Gay Duo attack from the sky ]
Gary: That’s sticking it to them, Ace!
George Bush: What the hey?
Bill Clinton: Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Gary: We’re here to find the bad guy!
Ace: We’re gonna get in their holes and smoke ’em out!
Ronald Reagan: That’s sick!
[ the long nose of Ace and Gary’s vehicle starts to quiver back and forth ]
Ace: The dual-car’s tracking them right now! The tip is very sensitive. It can penetrate through any caves or backways.
Gary: We’re losing power!
Ace: Tickle the fender, Gary!
[ Gary exits the vehicle during flight and proceeds to rub the fender, rendering the vehicle more powerful ]
Ace: Here it comes! [ their vehicle slams into a cave opening and rams in and out several times to no avail ] Lubricate! [ juice emits onto the hood of the vehicle, and it rams into the cave one last time, pulling out a sticky bin Laden ] We got him! We got bin Laden!
[ the Afghanis gawk in confusion ]
Gary: Bin Laden? The guy we’ve been after?
[ no response ]
Ace: Hello? Bin Laden! What’s everyone looking at?
Everyone: Nothing!
[ a sandwich falls from the sky, Ford catches it ]
Gerald Ford: [ gleeful ] Sand-wich!
[ dissolve to jingle ]
Jingle: “War brings people together War brings people together
Black or white, yellow or red We all want to see the same guy dead!
War brings people together (except Jerry Falwell) War brings people together (brothers and sisters..)”
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight’s top stories.
John Walker Lynn, a 20-year-old American who had been studying in Pakistan has been captured by Northern Afghanistan fighting for the Taliban. Experts called it the worst semester-abroad program ever.
An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan, which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show her ankle to to get that job?
Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera says he’s carrying a gun while reporting in Afghanistan. Rivera says he needs the weapon in the event that he’s attacked by his own crew.
Tina Fey: It was also reported Geraldo Rivera barely escaped unharmed Thursday when an apparent sniper bullet almost hit him.
Jimmy Fallon: Here with a terrible re-creation of that event is our own Chris Kattan.
[ Chris Kattan enters dressed as Geraldo Rivera ]
Chris Kattan: This is Geraldo Rivera, reporting live from Afghanistan. [ bullet whizzes past him ] Feets, don’t fail me now! [ runs off ]
Jimmy Fallon: Horrible.
Tina Fey: That was terrible.
Jimmy Fallon: Really terrible. Chris Kattan.
This week on “Sesame Street”, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan gave Elmos a lesson in conflict resolution. Elmo said he liked the nice man, but still won’t let inspectors inside his chemical weapons plant.
Dodonpa, the world’s fastest roller coaster, is set to open later this month in Japan. Unfortunately, only eight people in Japan are tall enough to ride it.
After a year of speculation, inventor Dean Kamen unveiled his mysterious “It”, which is a battery-powered two-wheel people mover. Many believe it will completely revolutionize the way people get hit by cars.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, as the holiday season approaches, there are no doubt gonna be many holiday parties. At these parties, I urge you to drink responsibly. Especialy girls. Why? Because you don’t want to end up like this. Please welcome Drunk Girl, everybody.
Drunk Girl: Wheeeee!! Hahahahaha!! Shut up! Hahahaha! This holiday season, it’s hard to stop drinking because.. what?!
Jimmy Fallon: I.. I din’t say anything.
Drunk Girl: I hate you, Jimmy Fallon! I hate you, I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you! I.. do.. hate.. you! your hair does look pretty rad, though! Hahahaha!! Give me a kiss! [ Jimmy refuses ] Get away from me! I’m smart, okay! I took Spanish! Como et te lama! That means “Hi!”
Jimmy Fallon: I never said you weren’t smart..
Drunk Girl: I never said you were a fart! Ahahahaha!! Oh, my god, that’s so funny! Ahahahaha! Shut up! I can make my tongue into a taco – look! [ demonstrates ]
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, that’s great.. that’s fantastic.
Drunk Girl: [ starts weeping ]
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Drunk Girl: Why would you sleep with my best friend..? In front of me..?
Jimmy Fallon: I never..
Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanna know what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wannow what you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanowat you are?
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: Do you wanowature?!
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Drunk Girl: You’re not a man! Mmm-mmm. [ whispering ] You’re an animal. Do you want to make out?
Jimmy Fallon: No, thank you.
Drunk Girl: Fine! I don’t need you, then! I’m gonna go get me a slice of that Hugh Jackman!
Jimmy Fallon: Drunk Girl, everybody, Drunk Girl.
A 32-year-old Filipino farmer sliced his gentials off with a machete in a fit of religious fervor, because he believed his penis was leading him to sin. In a follow-up to this story – he was right, and it worked.
As part of a breeding program, Chinese scientists are giving Viagra to the endangered South China tiger. This follows years of independent tiger Viagra research conducted at the home of Sigfried & Roy.
A Virginia man is facing drug charges after a state trooper found over $1,000 worth of marijuana in his son’s diaper bag. This is either the case of a very bad father, or a wonderful magic baby who poops weed.
The only way for the public to see the White House Christmas decorations this season will be through a virtual web tour of the mansion. A White House spokesperson says, “Just log on, type in bush ornaments, and enjoy whatever comes up.
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
