SNL Transcripts: Luke Wilson: 11/20/04: Business Drinking



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 6




04f: Luke Wilson / U2

Business Drinking

Businessman #1…..Luke Wilson
Businessman #2…..Seth Meyers
Businessman #3…..Kenan Thompson
Waitress…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, Hyatt hotel complex]

[ dissolve to interior, a wood-paneled hotel bar and businessmen sitting around a table]

Waitress: Here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we’re gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself another trip.

Waitress: You got it.

Businessman #2: I tell you I don’t know how many more of these business trips I can take.

Businessman #1: They don’t get any easier…

Businessman #3: Yeah, but you what you can write everything off. I mean, I ordered a filet and a ice cream sundae from room service last night. 56 dollars… Boom. Company card.

Businessman #1: I’ll tell you one thing. it never hurts to have a weekend away from the old ball and chain, if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt. Free as birds! Gentlemen I also don’t mind mentioning that the liquor is starting to kick in.

Businessman #1: And I don’t mind mentioning to you that you breath is giving it away.

[All laugh]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, who’s hooking up tonight ‘cause in my mind the way things are going in Iraq we gotta live for today; if you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: I hear you. Tonight, is the night, I mean I gotta say, If I were a lady and I walked into this bar I would not be able to keep my eyes of this table full of studly former high school athletes.

Businessman #1: It ain’t braggin’ if it’s a fact, bro.

Businessman #2: Hey check out those ladies at the end of the bar. HEY LADIES, what’s up, buy you a drink?

[all encourage the ladies to join]

Waitress: Okay, here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we’re gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself a trip.

Waitress: You got it.

Businessman #2: I tell you; business trips blow.

Businessman #1: Yeah, they don’t get any easier.

Businessman #3: Yeah, but you what you can write everything off. I ordered a pot roast and eleven bathrobes from room service last night. 913 dollars… Wap smack. Company card.

Businessman #1: AND, it never hurts to have a weekend away from Mrs. Task Master General, if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt about it. Free bird! Gentlemen, I also don’t mind mentioning that the Boozy McBooze is starting to work it’s Magic McMagic.

Businessman #1: And I don’t mind mentioning to you that you breath gives it away.

[All Laugh]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, who’s dippin’ their doodle in a little poodle tonight. ‘Cause in my mind the way things are going in Iraq this could be the last night before the apocalypse. If you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: Tonight, I have got to say, If I were a lady and I walked into this bar I would kiss both of ya’ll full on the lips.

Businessman #1: Hot town summer in the city…

Businessman #2: Hey ladies at the end of the bar. HEY kitty-cat, meow.

[all encourage the ladies to join]

Waitress: Here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: Thanks, and we’re gonna order another round right now.

Businessman #1: Save yourself a trip.

Waitress: You bet.

Businessman #2: Business conference stink-a-loo.

Businessman #1: Teenage champion!

Businessman #2: WE PLAYED SPORTS!

Businessman #3: You can write everything off. I ordered a midget to ride into my room on a pot-bellied pig last night from room service. 7429 dollars and 53 cents… wh-slam, damn, restin on a ham. Company card.

Businessman #1: Yeah, yeah. AND, it never hurts to have a weekend away from Hitler. If you know what I’m talkin’ about. She’s a bitch.

[All loudly agree]

Businessman #2: No doubt about it. Birds! Gentlemen I’m going to tell you the alcohol is making me crazy. CRAZY!

Businessman #1: Whoa. Well, and I don’t mind mentioning to you that your breath: bum’s ass.

[All Laughing]

Businessman #1: Seriously though, seriously though, who’s gonna slap the what and then knock it on it’s yam tonight. IRAQ. God, people should be more like me, if you know what I mean.

Businessman #2: No doubt about it.

Businessman #3: I’m gonna dress up like a lady and have sex with both of ya’ll.

Businessman #1: Hot buttered biscuit batter-up.

Businessman #2: Ladies. Bar. Now.

[all begin braying like donkeys]

Waitress: Okay, okay, here are your drinks.

Businessman #3: More!

Businessman #1: Now!

Businessman #2: [Brays into waitresses face]Businessman #1: More! [breaks his glass on the floor]

Businessman #2: More drinks! [now clinging to waitress] Wooo!

Waitress: You gentlemen wanted me to tell you when it was noon?

Businessman #1: Yeah.

Businessman #2: Oh, gosh, is it noon?

Waitress: Yeah.

Businessman #1: Thank you, thank you.

Businessman #3: Oh I gotta get to that conference.

[all rise, tip the table, break their glasses, and stagger away]

Submitted by: Ed Roske

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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