Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: Episode 15

79g: Martin Sheen / David Bowie

Don Mateo

Don Mateo…..Phil Hartman
Friend #1…..Mike Myers
Friend #2…..Norm MacDonald
Stacy…..Nancy Kerrigan
Pedro…..David Spade
Torino Brothers…..Chris Farley, Adam Sandler

[ A cantina in Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. The dapper-dressed Don Mateo sits at a table and welcomes two guests, who sit down. ]

Don Mateo: Welcome, my American friends.

Friend #1: Good to see you, Don Mateo.

Friend #2: How are ya, buddy?

Don Mateo: Have some sangria. We drink to friendship, to life, and most importantly, to love.

Friends: To love. [ they toast, and take a sip ]

Don Mateo: There she is … [ points elsewhere ] … the hot-blooded se–orita I told you of.

Friend #2: Oh, she’s very pretty, Don Mateo.

Don Mateo: Oh, yes. But she has a fiery temper! Her blood runs hot like the lava in a volcano. And if you get too close, SSSSSSS!! — you get burned.

Friend #1: And that doesn’t scare you away, Don Mateo?

Don Mateo: [ takes another sip ] Not at all. The more she spits fire, the stronger my love grows. Shh — here she comes.

[ Stacy approaches them with menus ]

Stacy: Hi. My name is Stacy. I’m your waitress today, and I’ll be right back — um — and I’ll be um, telling you our specials in just a minute. [ walks away ]

Don Mateo: [ giggles ] Someday, my friends, I will turn that burning heart of h’anger into a heart of love! [ nods, takes another sip ]

Friend #1: Well, good luck.

[ Stacy comes back ]

Stacy: Okay, our specials today are seared tuna, and that comes with rice and beans, and the shrimp fajita which also comes with rice and beans. Let me know when you’re ready to order. [ leaves ]

Don Mateo: Arrrrrr. You see how she tortures me, no?

Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Actually, um, are you sure she’s the one you’re talking about, Don?

Don Mateo: Of course.

Friend #2: Are you sure, Don? ‘Cause you know, a lot of these waitresses look similar, with the outfits and all, y’know?

Don Mateo: [ nods ] Just wait, my American friends. [ waves two fingers in the air ] You shall see.

Friend #1: … ‘kay.

[ Stacy comes back ]

Friend #1: Hi. Uh, I’ll have the seared tuna.

Friend #2: Yeah, me too.

Don Mateo: [ dramatically ] I, too, will have the tuna. SEARED in the ANGER of your fiery ANGER!

Stacy: Okay. So that’s three seared tunas. [ leaves ]

Don Mateo: [ giggles ] You see, she is like the snake. So pretty when coiled, but you get too close, SHE STRIKES! [ laughs ]

Friend #1: Okay. All right. But uh, right now she’s still coiled, right? I mean, she didn’t strike just now, did she?

Friend #2: Hey, maybe we missed it, uh, maybe she struck fast, and uh, y’know, we didn’t notice?

Friend #1: Yeah. Yeah.

Don Mateo: I see you do not understand Stacy Henderson as I do. You must taste her venom for yourselves. [ snaps his fingers; Stacy comes back ] Stacy, por favor, tell these gentlemen what brings you to Mexico, and tell them every fiery detail.

Stacy: Well, I’m a junior at the University of Wisconsin, majoring in communications, and I’m taking two language credits here at the Puerto Vallarta extension campus. I’ll be right back with your food. [ leaves ]

Don Mateo: [ giggles, nods ] You see? She begins to show her true colors. Surely you have heard of the University of Wisconsin? And their mascot? The badger? Have you ever come face to face with a badger?!?

Friend #1: No.

Friend #2: No.

Don Mateo: Well … [ nods ] neither have I, but I have read about them, and they are said to be very fiery-tempered! Quiet, here she comes …

[ Stacy comes back with a tray ]

Stacy: While you guys are waiting, why don’t you have some chips and salsa on the house? [ places them on a table and leaves ]

Don Mateo: Did you see that, my friends? She breathes fire like a volcano.

[ awkward pause ]

Friend #1: I gotta tell ya, Don Mateo, uh, she still didn’t seem that fiery to me.

Friend #2: [ eating chip ] This salsa’s pretty hot.

Don Mateo: Quiet — here come my sworn enemies, the Torino brothers. They hate me with a fiery HATE!

[ The Torino brothers, a mariachi duo, approach the table with a song ]

Torino Brothers: [ singing to the tune of “Cielito Lindo” ]
Oh, Don Mateo,
It’s lovely to see you this evening.
Oh, Don Mateo,
For a lifetime we’ll treasure your friendship.
Don Mateo, our amigo, our friend.

[ They leave ]

Don Mateo: Did you hear that?

Friend #1: [ sarcastic ] Yes, that fat one’s like uh, like a volcano of hate!

Don Mateo: Yes!!

Friend #1: Yeah.

Don Mateo: He is.

Friend #2: [ sarcastic ] Yeah, and how about that uh, snake of a brother of his, huh? He’s scary.

Don Mateo: Yes, you are right. Their hatred is too much, even for me. I must leave this place. Pedro! [ snaps fingers ] Bring my burro.

[ Pedro brings a stuffed donkey on wheels ]

Don Mateo: Please stay back. For my burro is fiery-tempered! He has trampled many men, just for sport. [ Pedro gives him the harness as he gets on the donkey ] Thank you, Pedro. He’s a wild one, eh?

Pedro: Yes, Don Mateo. Yes sir. Fiery tempered. Like a volcano full of snakes.

Stacy: Would you like me to wrap your seared tuna?

Don Mateo: Do not tease me, devil woman!! [ she leaves ]

Pedro: Shall I give him another push, sir?

Don Mateo: Perhaps. But be careful. If you were hurt, I would be angry at myself, and I have a fiery temper.

Pedro: Oh, yes! Yes. [ rolls the donkey away, as the two friends wave goodbye ]

[ fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Nancy Kerrigan

Nancy Kerrigan: Hi. Thank you for coming. I want to — I hope you enjoyed the show. I want to thank Aretha Franklin for being here tonight. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

The Denise Show

Brian…..Adam Sandler
Denise…..Shannen Doherty (photograph only)
Denise Hayworth…..Melanie Hutsell
Linda…..Nancy Kerrigan

[open on title: “The Denise Show” over framed photograph of Denise, with music: “I Ain’t Missing You” by John Waite]

Voice Over: And now, “The Denise Show,” with your host, Brian.

[title is removed and shot widens to include Brian, sitting on a couch with a table holding the photo and a phone]

Brian: Hi, everybody. Welcome to “The Denise Show.” As you know, Denise is the girl who broke up with me twenty-one weeks ago. I loved her but she said she needed her space. Turns out the Third District Court agreed with her, and now I have to give her three hundred feet of space at all times. It looks like we got a phone call. Hello.

Caller #1: Hey, Brian, wasn’t “The Denise Show” cancelled? I thought you started going out with that girl, Sarah.

Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, we broke up. I discovered that Sarah didn’t like to do the same things I do. You know, like going through Denise’s garbage, and stuff like that.

Caller #1: Oh, yeah.

Brian: So we drifted apart.

Caller #1: Okay. Hey, keep your chin up. [hangs up]

Brian: My chin is up. [holds his face up] Way up. Okay, now’s the part of the show where I call Denise and lose my courage to speak, and then I talk to the dial tone. [lifts phone and dials]

[phone rings]

Denise: Hello? Hello? Hello?! [hangs up]

[dial tone sounds]

Brian: [quickly] I love you Denise! [hangs up] All right, that was great. Now let’s bring out my first guest. She’s a girl who I’ve been wanting to get on the show for weeks now, because her first name is also Denise. Please welcome Denise Hayworth!

[Denise Hayworth enters from stage left, Brian stands to shake her hand, and they sit]

Denise Hayworth: Hey.

Brian: Hey. So, youre name is Denise, huh?

Denise Hayworth: Yeah.

Brian: That must be great, huh?

Denise Hayworth: Yeah.

Brian: Okay, thanks for stopping by.

Denise Hayworth: Okay, thanks for having me!

[they stand and shake hands again, and Denise Hayworth exits stage left]

Brian: Okay, now it’s time for the Denise and Brian puppet show. [lifts up two small action figures] This is me [raises male figure in his left hand], this is Denise [raises female figure in his right hand]. Now, get ready. It’s a lot of fun. Hello, Denise. Hello Brian. Hey, do you want to go to the mall today? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that felt nice. Okay, now let’s move on to the part of the show where I call one of those sex phone lines, and I get embarassed halfway through and hang up. Here we go. [lifts phone and dials]

[phone rings]

Phone Sex Operator: Hello?

Brian: Hello, this is Brian. What’s your name?

Phone Sex Operator: What do you want it to be?

Brian: Denise.

Phone Sex Operator: Okay.

Brian: How are you Denise?

Phone Sex Operator: I’m hot for you, Brian.

Brian: Then why did you break up with me?

Phone Sex Operator: Oh, Brian, your voice is turning me on. What do you want to do to me?

Brian: Everything.

Phone Sex Operator: Yeah. Where do you want me to touch you?

Brian: My wiener.

Phone Sex Operator: Your wiener?! Did you just say “wiener?!”

Brian: No. [hangs up] Okay, all right, it looks like we got another call. Hello.

Caller #2: Hey, Brian. I used to watch your show a few years ago. Wasn’t it called “The Linda Show” back then?

Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah, you mean this Linda, right? [lifts framed photograph of Denise and removes Denise’s photograph to reveal one of Linda]

Caller #2: Yeah, that’s her.

Brian: Yeah…that was a totally different show. That show meant nothing to me. I was really immature back then, you know. Linda broke up with me and then she moved to Florida. It was a long time ago. Here’s an old clip from “The Linda Show.”

[dissolve to clip in which Brian has braces and an afro, with title: “‘The Linda Show’ November 17, 1979”]

Brian: Okay, in our next segment, [lifts up two small action figures] this is me [raises male figure in his left hand], and this is Linda [raises female figure in his right hand]. Hello, Linda. Hello Brian. Linda, do you want to go to the Bay City Rollers concert with me? Stop smothering me! [puts the figures away] Okay, that was great.

[dissolve to present]

Brian: Boy, I made a fool of myself over Linda. Anyway, back to Denise. Now is the part of the show where I sing a song that reminds me of Denise, and I try not to cry. [singing, on the verge of tears] My love / There’s only you in my life / The only thing that’s right.

Linda: [entering from stage right, singing] My first love / You’re every breath that I take / You’re every step I make.

Both: [singing] And I / I want to share all my love with you

Brian: Oh, Linda!

Linda: You were my first love, Brian. I’m sorry I hurt you.

Brian: What are you doing here?

Linda: I’m in town for two weeks, visiting my aunt. I really miss you and I want to make up for lost time.

Brian: So, you’re going to be here for two weeks?

Linda: Yeah. As I remember, you’re quite a good kisser.

Brian: [turns to the camera] “The Denise Show” will be going on a short hiatus, but will return in two weeks at 7:30, and probably will be followed at 8:00 by an all-new version of “The Linda Show.” Good night!

[music: “Since You Been Gone” by Bus Stop, with title: “The Denise Show”]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

NBC News Special Report

George Stephanopolous…..Mike Myers
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Dierdre…..Julia Sweeney
Mike…..Tim Meadows
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon
Dana…..Ellen Cleghorne

[ SUPER: “NBC News Special Report” ]

Announcer: SNL will be delayed, so that we may bring you lvie coverage of President Clinton’s press conference.

[ dissolve to George Stephanopolous addressing reporters at the White House ]

George: Uh.. ladies and gentlemen, uh.. the President of the United States.

[ President Clinton steps forward, as George moves out of the way ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you, George. Good evening. For the past several months, while I and my administration have tried to bring badly-needed change to this nation.. we have been working under the dark shadow of the so-called Whitewater affair. It’s time to put this sordid mess behind us, and clear up all the mess that surrounds it. That’s why I’m here tonight to “come clean.” Yes, there were many questionable transactions, conflicts of interests, and, I’m sorry to say, laws were broken. And the fact is, that one person – and one person only – bears responsibility for this affair: my wife, Hillary Rodham. The First Lady of the United States. Or, rather, the former First Lady, as of 11:30 PM this evening, when she was escorted from the White Huose by federal agents, and placed behind bars. Our national nightmare.. is over.

Now, turning to Bosnia, I’m pleased to report that tonight, for the first time in many months, we have joined together with our European allies to formulate a coherent policy which represents a positive first step toward a solution.

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Yes, Dierdre.

Dierdre: Back to Mrs. Clinton for a moment, what exactly is the First Lady charged with?

President Bill Clinton: Well, the indictment covers a variety of charges ranging from.. shredding of evidence to.. uh, first-degree murder to grand theft auto, and, uh, that’s really all there is to it. Now, I would like to say something about Health Care. Our critics, for all their carping over the details of our plan —

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Yes, Mike?

Mike: Mr. President? First-degree murder? Could you amplify that, sir?

President Bill Clinton: Look.. this administration has already been more forthcoming than any previous administration would be under similar circumstances! We have cooperated fully! We have nothing to hide, the facts are out: Hillary masterminded a murder and a cover-up related to her Whitewater dealings! Now, as much as you’d like to find something juicy here, that’s all there is to it! This whole thing is really more concern to the President than the American people! You see, their concerns are welfare reform and health care!

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Sam?

Sam Donaldson: Mr. President.. weren’t you aware that any of this was going on?

President Bill Clinton: Well, Sam, how can you ask me that question? You know I didn’t know anything! How could I? I make no secret that my marriage is a sham! That’s why I’ve had so many affairs! Hundreds, maybe thousands, I don’t know! This administration has been more.. open about its affairs than any previous administration! Look, I’m gonna say one final word on this: my wife Hillary is the most honest, ethical, moral person I have ever known. However, the fact remains that she is a cold-blooded killer. Now, I’m gonna move on, because I feel that I’ve given you people every piece of information that you’ve asked for! Now, that’s it!

Reporters: Mr. President!! Mr. President!! Mr. President!!

President Bill Clinton: Dana?

Dana: Thank you. Uh.. will Mrs. Clinton be making any statements?

President Bill Clinton: No, she will not.

Dana: Mr. President, why not?

President Bill Clinton: [ sighs ] Because, earlier this evening, the First Lady was shot by federal authorities while trying to escape. That’s why not. She’s alive, but she won’t be answering any questions. The only statement she may possibly make is: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!

SNL Transcripts

Sports Beat

Winn Wilkins…..Michael McKean
…..Nancy Kerrigan
John Leland…..Norm MacDonald
Jim Hillis…..Rob Schneider

[ open on four-member panel sitting on set, with SUPER: “Sports Beat” over them ]

[ dissolve to Winn Wilkins ]

Winn Wilkins: Hello! Welcome to “Sports Beat”. I’m your host, Winn Wilkins! Well, for two weeks in February, the eyes of the world were on Lillehammer and Norway, and the 1994 Winter Olympics. The games have come and gone, but we’ve got three Olympic medalists here with us tonight. First, the silver medalist in Women’s Figure Skating – Nancy Kerrigan!

[ pan out to a smiling Nancy Kerrigan ]

Winn Wilkins: Next, the gold medalist in the Luge – John Leland.

[ pan out to a reasonably-pleased John Leland ]

Winn Wilkins: And the bronze medalist in the Biathlon – Jim Hillis.

[ pan out to Jim Hillis on the end ]

Winn Wilkins: First of all, Nancy, thank you for being here with us. We understand you’ve got a very, very busy schedule, and we sure do appreciate your taking time out to come out here and talk to us.

Nancy Kerrigan: Yeah! It’s been really busy with Disneyworld, and the parades in my hometown, and all the interviews I’ve been doing. It’s been great! Crazy, but great.

Winn Wilkins: That’s terrific!

John Leland: Yeah, it’s been crazy since I got back, too, you know, uh.. down at the lumberyard where I work, uh.. it’s a busy time of year, because, uh.. this is when we get most of our, uh.. wood!

Winn Wilkins: Well, of course, the big story this Olympics, was how you, Nancy, overcame adversity. Gotta ask you this: How’s the knee doing?

Nancy Kerrigan: Well.. I still have a small bump now. But.. it really doesn’t hurt.

Winn Wilkins: How about you guys, anything you had to overcome?

John Leland: Well, a week before the Olympics, I had a, uh, spill in a practice run – I shattered both elbows. My, uh.. my insuance plan didn’t cover it, because it didn’t happen at work. So it’s been quite a strain on the pocketbook.

[ pan over to Jim Hillis, in close-up we see his face is horrifically scarred ]

Jim Hillis: I was shot in the face. As you know, in the biathlon you ski and then shoot. I was still skiing when another biathlete was shooting. Some say it cost me the silver.

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Now, Jim, what do you think of Nancy’s knee here? It still looks pretty bad to me.

Jim Hillis: I’m sorry. Since the shooting, I.. can’t see out of this eye.

Winn Wilkins: Well, the story had a happy ending, didn’t it, Nancy? You had the chance to skate in front of two hundred million people!

Nancy Kerrigan: I was just.. not trying to think about that, um.. I’m just glad I skated to the best of my ability.

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Now, how about you, Jim? Were you nervous?

Jim Hillis: Unfortunately, the Biathlon wasn’t televised. It turns out there.. wasn’t much interest in it.

John Leland: My event was televised. But, uh.. when it was my turn to luge, they had to.. cut away to, uh.. figure skating warm-ups.

Winn Wilkins: Let’s talk about endorsements now. I’ll bet the offers are just rolling in, huh?

Nancy Kerrigan: Well, I’ve been very lucky. I’ve got deals with Disney, Reebok, Cammpbell Soup and Revlon. We’re in negotiations with some Japanese companies.

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. How about you guys?

John Leland: I was being considered as a spokesman for a, uh, luge manufacturer. You know, I thought I’d be perfect for it, you know, because I won the gold medal in the Luge, but, uh.. they decided to go with, uh.. Nancy Kerrigan.

Nancy Kerrigan: That’s right! I forgot about that one!

Winn Wilkins: Mmm-hmm. Jim?

Jim Hillis: [ a beat ] I haven’t had any offers. I think it’s because my face was half-shot off. I gues people are frightened of me.

Winn Wilkins: Well, now the big question. Are your amateur careers over? You guys gonna turn pro?

John Leland: Well, there’s no such thing as Pro Luging. But, if there were, I’d be there in a second, I tell ya’. I’d finally get my own apartment.

Nancy Kerrigan: I’m thinking of joining the Ice Capades.

Jim Hillis: I’m hoping to watch the Ice Capades.. when it comes to my town.

Winn Wilkins: Well, we’re almost out of time with our three Olympians. Any closing thoughts?

Jim Hillis: It’s been quite an experience. I guess my only regret is.. ever getting involved in the Biathlon in the first place.

John Leland: Well, whatever happens, at least I’ve got a gold medal.

Nancy Kerrigan: I’ll buy it off of you for $500.

John Leland: Yeah, okay.

Winn Wilkins: Well.. we’d like to thank our guests, Nancy Kerrigan and.. the other two guys. See you next time on “Sports Beat”!

[ dissolve to title card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
March 12th, 1994

Nancy Kerrigan

Aretha Franklin

None

NBC News Special Report

President Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) apologizes for Whitewater, but blames Hillary.

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton, George Stephanopoulos, Sam Donaldson.

Nancy Kerrigan’s Monologue

Audience members ask Kerrigan inane questions about skating and Tonya Harding.

Recurring Characters: Tonya Harding, Jeff Gillooly.

Crystal Gravy

(Repeat) See: 10/02/93.

Sports Beat

Kerrigan’s post-Olympics life is more successful than those of her peers.

St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Kerrigan is Grand Marshal at a small-town St. Patrick’s Day parade.

The Denise Show

First love Linda (Kerrigan) returns to visit Brian (Adam Sandler).

Recurring Characters: Brian.

Aretha Franklin performs “A Deeper Love”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Frank Sinatra (Phil Hartman) finishes incomplete Grammy Awards acceptance speech.

Bono (Adam Sandler) sings a St. Patrick’s Day song.

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Bono.

Don Mateo

In Mexico, Don Mateo (Phil Hartman) is hot-blooded for an unsuspecting waitress (Kerrigan).

Lillehammer ’94

Weight gain of Olympic skater’s (Kerrigan) partner (Chris Farley) hampens event.

Recurring Characters: Verne Lundquist, Scott Hamilton.

Aretha Franklin performs “Willing to Forgive”

Nancy At Disneyland I

Dressed as Snow White, Kerrigan greets Disneyland visitors, hawks video.

Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse.

Black Rhythm & Blues Singers Today

Alexa Carlson (Ellen Cleghorne) interviews Aretha Franklin.

Nancy At Disneyland II

Dressed as Tinkerbell, Kerrigan spins in teacup at Disneyland, dispenses treats.

Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse.

Aretha Franklin performs “Chain of Fools”

Nancy At Disneyland III

A Lincoln animatron (Michael McKean) joins Kerrigan in the teacup at Disneyland.

Recurring Characters: Michael Eisner, Mickey Mouse.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley … Al Franken
Martin L. … Martin Lawrence
Announcer … Phil Hartman

[Daily Affirmation opening montage: still photos ofhost Stuart Smalley float across the sky before wedissolve to a gorgeous sunset.]

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I amentitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beatmyself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to bewith.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley” –Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member ofseveral 12-step programs, but not a licensedtherapist.

[Dissolve to Stuart wearing his crocheted bluepullover sweater, seated in his favorite chair andgiving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror.Also visible in the mirror is his hostile, restlessguest, Martin L., who sits beside him making faces ofimpatience and disgust.]

Stuart Smalley: I’m going to do a terrific show todayand I’m going help people, because I’m good enough,I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me.[turns to camera] Hello, I’m Stuart Smalley and withme today, we have Martin L., an African-Americancomedian. Uh, and that’s the word he asked me to use,African-American. And we’re all entitled to be calledwhat we want. And, uh, Martin, I owe you an amendsbecause earlier, before the show, I – I referred toyou as black, being black.

Martin L.: [threateningly] Yeah, well, I’m no moreblack than you are white. So watch what you say.

Stuart Smalley: [smiles, to the camera] Okay. Uh, andthat is a good point, uh, you know, I mean, I am – Iam not white. Uh, I’m more … um … flesh-colored.

Martin L.: So what – so what you sayin’? Huh? Huh?[off his skin] This ain’t flesh? Huh? Why a brothercan’t be flesh, huh? Huh?

Stuart Smalley: [flustered] No! No, I, eh, I was notsaying– I do– I would never mean– I owe you anotheramends. I apologize.

Martin L.: You know what, man? I – I – I’m throughhearin’ the white man’s apology. Please!

Stuart Smalley: Well, actually, as you ‘member, I’mnot white. You see? I’m actually, you know, lighter,uh, pinker of the flesh tones.

Martin L.: Look, man, shut up, all right, with allthat. Damn! This “I’m white. I’m–” Shut up! Please!You know, I’m so tired o’ hearin’ the white man’sexcuses, all right? I still ain’t got my forty acresand a mule.

Stuart Smalley: Uh huh. Now, is this something thatour producer promised you? Because, you know,sometimes he overcommits — which is one of hisproblems. He’s a – he’s a people-pleaser and it canbecome inappropriate and–

Martin L.: You know what, man? I’m gonna tell you likethis: if you don’t shut yo’ ass up, I’m tellin’ you,man, I’m tellin’ you!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, can I – can I say something? I- I am hearing a lot of anger.

Martin L.: No, man! Okay, what you are hearin’ is fourhunnert years of oppression! That’s what you hearin’!

Stuart Smalley: Okay, that’s good! Uhh… [smiles, tothe camera] Trace it, face it and erase it! And, youknow, because your people have, you know, been throughan incredible amount of dysfunction. I mean, you know,I mean, you know, I can’t think of anything moredysfunctional than slavery, you know, unless– maybealcoholism. You know? But good for you for tracing theanger.

Martin L.: Don’t patronize me, man! Okay? You don’t know what my people have been through. Please don’t do it.

Stuart Smalley: Okay. Another good point. Um, but,still, I am feeling the anger. And – and – but that’s….. okay. It’s okay to be angry. So, Martin, I’dlike you to try something. I want you to just … beangry.

Martin L.: What?!

Stuart Smalley: You just … sit with your anger. Just… feel the anger.

Martin L.: [fidgeting animatedly] Sometimes I want toput a foot hole in somebody’s ass!

Stuart Smalley: That’s good!

Martin L.: I want to stomp it all out!

Stuart Smalley: That’s it!

Martin L.: Oh, man, sometimes I wanna WHOOP! [stareshard at Stuart, eyeball to eyeball]

Stuart Smalley: Very good. Very good. Now, how–? Doyou feel like a hug?

Martin L.: [gives Stuart the fish-eye] Please! Man,I’m not with that, all right? I ain’t huggin’ no homo!

Stuart Smalley: What did you call me?

Martin L.: Please! You heard me. I said “Ho – mo!”Fairy queen! Ass pirate!

Stuart Smalley: Okay. And, um, why would you make this assumption?

Martin L.: [starts laughing, fingers Stuart’s bluepullover as if the answer were obvious]

Stuart Smalley: [raising a hand in protest] Uh, this is not –

Martin L.: Aren’t you?

Stuart Smalley: This is not a topic to be discussed.Uh, it is very inappropriate. And I do not know whyyou assume. Because when you assume, you make an assout of Uma Thurman. [smiles, to the camera] Isn’t thata cute joke? Isn’t that clever? [to Martin] But I willnot take this from anyone — from you or anyone.

Martin L.: You know what? Listen, man, I – I– maybe Icame off wrong before. It was–

Stuart Smalley: [loses it completely and startsyelling over Martin] No, no, no, you listen! No, shutup! No, no! Shut up!

Martin L.: Brother–

Stuart Smalley: No, shut up! No, you shut up! You shutup! You shut up! And listen! Why don’t you listen?!’Cause I am not gonna stand for this! And I have had–I have put up with enough abuse in my life — ’cause Ihave been abused! And I have– And I will not take itany more. I am not– [cheers and applause]

Martin L.: [chastened, his whole attitude changes]Stuart, uh, Small, I’m really sorry. ‘Cause I’m comin’on your show, I got upset. [distressed] Look, I wasabused too, man! Do you think you–?

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it.

Martin L.: No, do you think you the only one that was abused?!

Stuart Smalley: Tell me about it, Martin.

Martin L.: [deeply distressed, half-singing] I was alonely child – with no direction – with no purpose – I- I was neglected – Sometimes, I didn’t get huggedwhen I wanted to get hugged!

Stuart Smalley: Martin, who did you want to hug you?

Martin L.: Ohh…

Stuart Smalley: Was it – was it your dad?

Martin L.: [crying] Ohhhhhh, maaaaaaan! It was myfather! He wasn’t there, Small!

Stuart Smalley: My father wasn’t there for me either,emotionally, because he was a slave — and his masterwas the bottle.

Martin L.: Word? Your father was on the bottle, too?

Stuart Smalley: Word.

Martin L.: [both men cry] You know, Smerl… I knowhow you feel. Will you give me a hug? [they hug] Oh,Smerl! [sobbing] I love you, Smerl!

Stuart Smalley: I love you, too, Martin. I love you.

Martin L.: [suddenly uncomfortable] Ah, all right! Get off! Get off! Get off! [they break the clinch] Ah, ooh!

Stuart Smalley: Martin?

Martin L.: [relieved] That felt– Ooh, that feelsgood! I – I – I feel fresh, Smerl. Whooo!

Stuart Smalley: [smiles into the camera] That’s -that’s what I do. Well, we’ve had a terrific show.And, you know what? We deserve it.

Martin L.: Yeah.

Stuart Smalley: [turns to the mirror] Because I’m goodenough, I’m smart enough, and, doggone it, people likeme. And Martin. [Martin is visible in the mirrorbehind Stuart nodding affirmatively]

Announcer: This has been today’s Daily Affirmationwith Stuart Smalley.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Martin Lawrence’s Monologue

…..Martin Lawrence

Martin Lawrence: Yeah! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, uh-huh. Yeah! Man, man oh man, look at all these white people.

No, I guess this ain’t the Def Jam, right, so I-I guess I better be cool, huh? I got some black folks out there to back me up though. (Cheers)

Woo! All right, all right. Man, I-I am so happy to be here, this is a dream come true for me. I mean, hostin’ Saturday Night Live, I watched everybody. All of ’em on here, and I was like “when I’m gonna get my chance? When I’m gonna get my chance?” Well dammit, now is my chance. Ain’t no stoppin me now, I tell you.

It’s crazy though, I gotta talk about some things that the daggone censors are followin’ me everywhere around, wish they’d get off my ass- oops, damn, did I slip?

It’s botherin’ me, man. You know, “you can’t say this, you can’t say that,” I’m like, well, how am I gonna talk about the world? You know? I mean I need to talk about something to you all, can I- can I do it? Can I talk to y’all? (Cheers & applause) I mean, I-I hope the kids are in bed, you know, because I got to talk, y’all.

Um… Something concerns me real deeply. You know, uh, and it’s crazy, uh, and no fella has come up to me, none of the brothers, anybody, has acted like it concerns them as much as it has me.

Um… The ladies, in the 90s, have license to cut off the pilly-packers. (Laughs)Yep. They got license to cut your thing off, man. And this scares me, OK? Because I know women are mad in the 90s, especially white women, I mean, this is the year where they smash your knees and cutting the pilly-packers off.

You know what I’m saying? But I mean, I feel for that man though, man. I feel for him. cause she took his thang man, you know what I’m saying? He can’t do this (mimes intercourse). He ain’t ever gonna really be able to do this. You know, if you can’t do this in your life somethin’s missin’. You know what I’m saying? And the lady cut it off, man, and cut it off while he was asleep and he ain’t even know it was gone. He was asleep, just chillin’, you know, rubbing, having one of them dreams, (mimes sleeping man feeling for penis) and woke up and wasn’t nothin’ there.

Now what got me about the whole thing was, if she’s gonna cut it off at least she coulda left it around his bed or somethin’, you know what I’m sayin’, the man woke up with no options, couldn’t find the peely- pilly packer nowhere, you know what I’m sayin?

What she did with it, got in the car, then she got in the car with- held it in one hand drove the car with the other. Drove down the damn street and threw it in the neighbor’s yard. “Here, he’d like to visit your ass.”

It scares me, y’all. It’s sad, man, a-and how I found out, I found a brother, I heard a brother found it. You know, and it was scary cause they say he was just walkin’ down the street, mindin’ his own business, he’s chillin’, he… (mimes walking and stopping in surprise)… cause he saw this he said “Wait a minute, is that a pilly-packer? Damn.” And it was white and little, so he had to squint. (Laughs & applause)

He ain’t really know, you know, he said “Damn, well I don’t really know that person,” he wanted to pick it up but he said “I don’t know the person.” So uh, what he did was run and get a stick and scooped it up, you know and said “All right, cool, what can I do with it, can- what can I do with it,” you know, “what can I do with it?” You know?

And he thought, and he said “what would a white man do, what would a white man do?” You know, and the first thing came to the brother’s head was get it on ice, you know. So he saw an ice cream truck, you know, threw the pilly-packer on some sno-cones, you know. It scares me so bad I don’t go to bed without a Nutty Buddy by my side, y’all.

Something else concerns me and it hurts, see I’m, I’m single, I’m a single man, I don’t have nobody, I’m looking for somebody and- but I’m meeting a lot of women out there, and you got some beautiful women, but you got some out there that, uh, I gotta say somethin’. Um… some of you are not washing your ass properly.* (laughter & applause) OK? Don’t- don’t get me wrong, not all, some of you, you know what I’m sayin’, uh… I’m sorry, ‘Cause uh, listen, now, I don’t know what it is a woman got to do to keep up the hygiene on the body I know, uh, I’m watching douche commercials on television, and I’m wonderin’ if some of you are reading the instructions. I don’t think so. Y’know, ’cause I’m getting with some of the ladies, smelling odors, going “Wait a minute. (gestures with index finger) Girl, smell this! This you! Smell yourself, girl.”

Smell yourself! I tell a woman in a minute, douche! douche! Some women don’t like when you tell them that, when you straightforward with them. “Douche!” They, (imitating woman) “Forget you! You cannot douche all the time, you’re gonna wash all the natural juices out the body.” I say, well, I dont give a damn what you do, put a Tic-Tac in your ass. Put a Cert in your ass. Oh, oh, y’know, this look like a good damn place for a Stick-up up in your ass.

I’m sorry, y’all. You got to wash properly. You know, and then, you know, ’cause I’m a man, I like to kiss on women, you know, I like to kiss all over their bodies, you know. But if you’re not clean in your proper areas I can’t… you know… kiss all over the places I wanna kiss. You know, some women’ll let you go down, you know what I’m sayin’, knowin’ they got a yeast infection. (Some audience disgust) I’m sorry. Sorry. Come up with dough all on your damn lip… Got a bagel and a croissant on your lip. “Anybody got any butter?” I like jelly on mine.

Well look here, y’all, we got a great show for you tonight, cause I’m here. (Cheers and applause) That’s right. I’m here, Crash- yo, yo! Crash Test Dummies are here so yo, we’ll be back, hang on, we gonna be back, we gonna do our thing!

(removes shirt and conducts martial arts moves)

* In all repeat airings of this episode, the show cuts away here to a series of text screens with voiceover reading the following:

V/O: [ SUPER: ] “At this point in his monologue, Martin begins a commentary on what he considers the decline in standards of feminine hygiene in this country. Although we at Saturday Night Live take no stand on this issue one way or the other, network policy prevents us from re-broadcasting this portion of his remarks.

In summary, Martin feels, or felt at the time, that the failure of many young women to bathe thoroughly is a serious problem that demands our attention. He explores this problem, citing numerous examples from his personal experience, and ends by proposing several imaginative solutions.

It was a frank and lively presentation, and nearly cost us all our jobs. We now return to the conclusion of Martin’s monologue.”

The episode then cuts back to the live monologue, beginning with “Well look here, y’all.”

Thanks to Tim Harrod for this transcript!

Goodnights

…..Martin Lawrence

Martin Lawrence: Yo! I want to thank my musical guest, Crash Test Dummies. And I want to thank the cast, crew, and, most of all, you, the people, for supporting us, the show, me, myself. I love you! Good niiiiiight!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 19th, 1994

Martin Lawrence

Crash Test Dummies

None

A Message from Jeff Gillooly

Martin Lawrence’s Monologue

Lawrence comments on pilly-packer mutilation and women who don’t clean their asses.

McIntosh Post-it Notes

(Repeat) See: 10/23/93.

Thugs

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Crash Test Dummies performs “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Matt Foley: Motivational Speaker

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Bike Messenger

Crash Test Dummies performs “Afternoons & Coffeespoons”

The Benchwarmer

Ricki Lake

Recurring Characters: Joe Jackson, Ike Turner.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts