Month: October 2018

Scalder & Son

Scalder…..Chris Farley
Son…..Macauley Culkin
Rock Thrower…..Adam Sandler
Archer…..Dana Carvey
Archer’s Son…..Culkin

[ open on a Medieval castle during a crusade ]

[ dissolve to Scalder and Son pouring hot oil from the top of the castle ]

Scalder: You see, Son, that’s how we do it!

Son: Wow! We really scolded those guys!

Scalder: Well, that’s my job. I’m a scalder. And, maybe some day, you’ll be one, too!

Son: Really, Dad!

Scalder: Su-ure. You’ll have your own cauldron, your own bellow, maybe your own hunchbacked assistant.

Son: Wow!

Scalder: But, it’s not as easy as it looks – a lot of hard work, a lot of study. You’ve got to know your differnet oils, your different molten metals. You’d be surprised at how many different things you can heat up and pour on people.

Son: Timmy said his dad’s more important.

Scalder: Well.. what does Timmy’s dad do?

Son: He’s a torturer.

Scalder: Well, torturing is important. But, the main thing is that you do your job well. Someday you may grow up to be a torturer.. or a scalder.. or maybe you just want to throw rocks down on people. I just want you to be happy.

[ a Rock Thrower preps himself up against the side of the castle as he throws down a rock ]

I wouldn’t do that.. [ Rock Thrower continues ] You.. you shouldn’t stand up there, and let me tell you why. You see the guys down there with the bows and.. [ Rock Thrower is shot with an arrow, and falls to the ground ] ..arrows..? [ to Son ] You see, that’s why you gotta listen! When I first starting scalding, I thought I knew everything. Then, in my first battle, I spilled molten lead all over your grandfather’s leg. [ chuckles ]

Son: What happened?

Scalder: He died.. very angry at me. I learned something.

Son: [ points down ] Look, Dad! They’re climbing up the wall again! Shouldn’t we pour?

Scalder: Not yet. The secret of good scalding is knowing when not to scald.

Son: But they’re climbing up the wall!

Scalder: That’s alright, let ’em come.. Here comes some more of their friends.. Now, we pour!

[ they dump the hot oil onto the crowd below ]

Son: Boy, Dad, you were right! You must be the best scalder in the world!

Scalder: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t know.. [ suddenly, he’s shot by an arrow ]

[ cut to an Archer and his Son standing at the base of the castle ]

Archer: You see, Son, that’s how it’s done! It’s about 90% patience.

Archer’s Son: Gosh, Dad, you must be the bet archer in the whole world!

Archer: [ laughs ] Well, I son’t know about that, I..

[ suddenly, another pot of hot oil is dropped on them, as they hotfoot it out of the scene to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Richmeister

Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Randy…..Kevin Nealon
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Young Richmeister…..MaCauley Culkin
Sister Margaret…..Siobhan Fallon

[ Randy enters the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: Ran-dyyy! The Rand-man! Randatollah!

Randy: Hi, Richard. Just making some copies.

Richmeister: Alright! The Rand Old Opry, makin’ copies!

Randy: It’s nice to see you, too, Richard.

Richmeister: The Randster! Randomly selected for yourlistening pleasure!

Randy: That’s a new one. I like that one.

Richmeister: Ran-dyy! Likin’ the new one! The Great Randino-o-o-o!

Randy: Now, that one I’ve heard before. [ exits ]

Richmeister: The Randipulator. Doesn’t realize how hard it iscoming up with new names. The Complain-meister! [ Steve enters ] TheSteve-inator!

Steve: Rich! The Richmeister!

Richmeister: Second Lieutenant Steve, of the 82nd Airborne Division!

Steve: [ laughing ] What??

Richmeister: Ste-e-eve!

Steve: Hey, Rich, I’ve got to ask you something. This has beenbothering me for a long time.. I mean.. have you always been this way, youknow, with the “Name Thing”? [ The Richmeister stares into space, wondering ]Rich? Where you going, buddy?

Richmeister: The Rich-man, about to have a flashback! El backo de flasho!

[ The Richmeister drifts off, as the scene fades into a flashback of his childhood, sitting at his desk in the back of the Catholic school classroom ]

Young Richmeister: Tim-my! The Tim-meister! Sharpenin’ his pencil!

Timmy: [ sharpening his pencil ] Hey, Rich. I’m out of lead.

Young Richmeister: No lead for the Tim Man! Tim-o-rama!

Timmy: See ya, Rich. [ walks back to his desk ]

Young Richmeister: Ti-i-im! [ Cindy approaches the pencil sharpener ]Alright! Cindy! The Cindstress!

Cindy: Hi, Rich.

Young Richmeister: Cindereta Cindita! The Class Babe! Makin’ herpencils sharp! Sharpatollah! [ Cindy returns to her desk, as Froggyapproaches the pencil sharpener ] Froggy! The Frogginator! The Guy withthe Warts!

Froggy: Leave me alone.

Young Richmeister: Frogman! The Guy Who Likes to Eat the Paste!Frog-o-rama!

Froggy: [ annoyed ] Shut.. up!

Young Richmeister: Froggy, gettin’ mad! Froggarino!

[ Froggy returns to his desk ]

Sister Margaret: Now, Class, remember we were discussing the Battleof Bunker Hill. Now, it was George Washington’s belief that if hecould..

Young Richmeister: [ interrupting ] George! George of the Jungle!

Sister Margaret: [ angry ] Richard!

Young Richmeister: Baron George van Washeimer!

Sister Margaret: Okay, Richard Laymer, maybe you would liketo tell us what George Washington beleived he could achieve at the Battle ofBunker Hill?

Young Richmeister: Alright! Sister Margaret, askin’ me questions!

Sister Margaret: [ stern ] We’re all waiting.

Young Richmeister: The Nunster! Nun-o-rama! Nu-u-un!

Sister Margaret: [ grabs a ruler and walks toward Richard’s desk ]Give me your hand.

Young Richmeister: The Young Rich-man sincerely apologizes!

Sister Margaret: [ towering over Young Richmeister ] I said give meyour hand!

Young Richmeister: Be assured, no more talkin’ from the Rich-man!Promisita to the Nunnita! [ Young Richmeister realizes his fate isinevitable ] Oh, no! Disaster for the Rich-man! [ close-up of YoungRichmeister’s face as Sister Margaret swats his hand with the ruler ]Auugghhhh…!!

[ flashback fades back into the modern-day Richmeister, still screaming ]

Richmeister: ..Aauugghhhh..!!

Steve: Rich! Rich, it’s alright! You’re okay!

Richmeister: [ coming out of it ] Steve?!

Steve: Yeah, you were daydreaming.

Richmeister: [ dazed ] Steve-o?

Steve: Yeah. You were mumbling something about Baron vonGeorge Washheimer?

Richmeister: The Stevester!

Steve: [ quickly looks at his watch ] Oh, hey, Rich.. I gotto go pick up my kid at St. Catherine’s. [ darts out of the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: St Catherine’s! [ remembers his flashback, and panics ]Ste-e-e-e-eve!!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Macauley Culkin’s Monologue

…..Rob Schneider
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Macauley Culkin
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Julia Sweeney
…..Chris Farley
…..Phil Hartman
…..Mike Myers

[ Macauley enters the stage for his monologue, but discovers the entire studio is empty. He peers into an abandoned camera, then walks around the stage. ]

Macauley Culkin: Lorne? [ looks around ]

[ cut to footage of an airplane leaving the runway ]

[ dissolve to interior, First Class, Lorne Michaels seated with Rob Schneider ]

Rob Schneider: I’ve gotta hand it to you, Lorne – it’s a great idea doing the show in Paris!

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, it’ll be be a smash.

Rob Schneider: Still.. I feel like a heel riding up in First Class, with the rest of the cast in Coach.

Lorne Michaels: Nonsense, they’re having the time of their lives. Besides, the Richmeister’s gonnas be a smash in Paris. I hope we didn’t forget anything.

[ cut back to Macauley wandering alone through the Control Room ]

Macauley Culkin: Hello-o-o? Dana? Victoria? Julia? Is this a joke? Hello-o? Kevin? Farley? I made them all disappear.. [ smiles happily ] I made them all disappear!

[ quick videos show Macauley playing throughout the studio ]

[ he dresses up in a cowboy costume he finds in the Wardrobe Dept. ]

[ in Props, he finds a few prop guns, firing one playfully at the cutout of Schwarzenegger used in the Hans & Franz sketches ]

[ in Make-Up, he discovers an old Coneheads wig, which he affixes to his head ]

[ plays guitar on the Band Stage, still wearing the Conehead head ]

[ back in Make-Up, he peels off the sideburns to the Conehead costume, causing him to slap his hands to his face and scream with a resounding echo ]

[ cut back to the Airplane, Lorne worrying about something ]

Rob Schneider: What’s the matter?

Lorne Michaels: I have this terrible feeling I forgot someone. You seen Spade?

Rob Schneider: Yeah. Remember he came up here and asked if we were using our headsets?

Lorne Michaels: Right.. right.. Victoria did the head count, right?

Rob Schneider: Yep. Nothing to worry about.

Lorne Michaels: Hmm.. What else could we be forgetting? [ panic spreads onto his face ] The HOST!!

[ back in the SNL Control Room, Macauley is playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on all the monitors ]

[ cut back to the Airplane ]

Lorne Michaels: How could I do this..?

Kevin Nealon: We were in a hurry, Lorne.

Victoria Jackson: It’s my fault, I counted wrong.

Lorne Michaels: What kind of producer am I?

Rob Schneider: Lorne, you’re a wonderful producer!

Lorne Michaels: Really?

Julia Sweeney: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my Pat costume.

Lorne Michaels: What are we gonna do? We don’t get to Paris for hours! [ pauses ] Wait a minute.. I’m Lorne Michaels. Stewardess! Tell the pilot to turn this plane around!

[ video footage shows the plane take a 180 in the sky and head back to New York ]

[ back in his dressing room, Macauley stares longingly at a framed photo of Lorne on the wall ]

[ in the hall, the elevator doors open, as Lorne frantically runs out ]

Lorne Michaels: Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! Macauley! [ enters dressing room ] Macauley.. Oh, Macauley, I am so sorry.

[ Macauley runs into Lorne’ arms for a hug, as other castmembers excitedly run into the room ]

Chris Farley: Hey, I’m sorry I ate your pizza, buddy!

Macauley Culkin: It’s okay, Chris.

Phil Hartman: And I’m sorry I called you a “little jerk”.

Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Phil. I guess sometimes I can be a little jerk!

Mike Myers: And I’m sorry I haven’t been in this sketch until now!

Macauley Culkin: That’s okay, Mike.

Lorne Michaels: Hey, Macauley, don’t you have a monologue to do?

Macauley Culkin: You mean..?

Lorne Michaels: That’s right! We brought an audience from the airport.

Macauley Culkin: Wow!

Lorne Michaels: So, go ahead – knock ’em dead!

Macauley Culkin: Alright!

[ end of opening montage plays ]

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. Macauley Culkin!

Macauley Culkin: Thank you! Thank you very much! We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Our musical guest tonight is Tin Machine.. with David Bowie. We’re gonna have a great time, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If you go parachuting,
and your parachute doesn’t open,
and you friends are all watching you fall,
I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Whenever I see an old lady slip
and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think,
what if I was an ant,
and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date,
I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

SNL Transcripts

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Judge…..Siobhan Fallon
Cirroc…..Phil Hartman
Jury Foreman…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “One hundred thousand years ago, a cavemanwas out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse.In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then wentto law school and became.. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

Jingle: “He used to be a caveman,
but now he’s a lawyer.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!”

Announcer: Brought to you by.. Gas Plus – actually gives you gas, forthose times when you feel like being the joker; and by National Escort Services -if we don’t get a prostitute to your door in 15 minutes, you don’t pay; andby Happy Fun Ball – still legal in 16 states – it’s legal, it’s fun, it’sHappy Fun Ball! And now, tonight’s episode of “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

[ open on interior, courtroom, the Judge banging her gavel ]

Judge: Mr. Cirroc, are you ready to give your summation?

Cirroc: [ stepping out] It’s just “Cirroc”, your Honor..and, yes, I’m ready. [ approaches the jury box ] Ladies and gentlemen ofthe jury, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed outby some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimesthe honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and runoff into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my faxmachine, I wonder: “Did little demons get inside and type it?” I don’t know!My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing Ido know – when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk infront of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than twomillion in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages.Thank you.

Judge: The jury will now retire to deliberate.

Jury Foreman: [ standing ] Your Honor.. we don’t need to retire.Cirroc’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We give himthe full amount.

[ the jury applauds Cirroc ]

Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc?

Cirroc: [ cell phone to his ear ] Hang on a second.. [ to the judge ]I-I’m sorry, your Honor. I was listening to the magic voices coming outof this strange modern invention! [ smiles maliciously to the camera ]

Announcer: This has been “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”. Join us nextweek for another episode. Here’s a scene.

[ cut to Cirroc and his caveman family standing before a podium at apolitical rally ]

Cirroc: Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! First of all,let me say how happy I am to be your nominee for the United States Senate![ applause ] You know.. thank you.. I don’t really understand yourCongress, or your system of checks and balances.. because, asI said during the campaign – I’m just a caveman! I fell on some ice, andlater got thawed out by scientists. But there is one thing I doknow – we must do everything in our power to lower the Capitol Gains Tax.Thank you!

Announcer: Next time, on “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer”.

SNL Transcripts

http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-cable-tv-packages-.html

Studio Alone

…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Macauley Culkin

[ open on the cast eating pizza in the conference room ]

Victoria Jackson: Mmm.. this pizza is good.

Dana Carvey: Lorne, the pizza boy needs, uh.. $122.50, plus tips.

Lorne Michaels: For pizza?

Dana Carvey: Lorne, we’ve got 17 people in the cast.

Lorne Michaels: I know. But for pizza?

Macauley Culkin: [ walking forward ] Did anybody order me a plain cheese?

Chris Farley: Yeah, we did. But if you want any, someone’s gonna have to barf it up, ’cause it’s all gone!

[ David Spade strolls past and begins to grab an armful of Pepsi cans ]

Lorne Michaels: Spade! Go easy on those Pepsis.

Chris Farley: [ sticking his finger in his throat in front of Macauley ] Macauley, Macauley! Get a plate! Get a plate!

[ angry, Macauley opens a can of soda, splashing the liquid in Farley’s face. He then pushes Farley into Phil Hartman, causing Farley to stumble onto the table and send it collapsing to the floor. ]

Lorne Michaels: What is the matter with you?!

Macauley Culkin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose!

Phil Hartman: [ showing the Pepsi stains on his shirt ] Look what you did, you little jerk!

Lorne Michaels: Macauley, get to your dressing room, right now!

Macauley Culkin: Why?

David Spade: Macauley, you’re such a disease!

Macauley Culkin: Shut up!

David Spade: You!

Lorne Michaels: [ grabs Macauley’s shoulders ] To your dressing room – let’s go!

Macauley Culkin: Why am I getting treated like scum?

Lorne Michaels: You’re a host. [ pushes Macauley into his dressing room ] Now, I want you to stay in your dressing room until the show starts.

Macauley Culkin: I’m sorry.

Lorne Michaels: Too late.

Macauley Culkin: Everyone in the show hates me!

David Spade: Then maybe you should aks your agent to book you on a different show.

Macauley Culkin: I don’t want to host a different show! I want to do the show alone!

Lorne Michaels: I hope you don’t mean that.

Macauley Culkin: I do!

Lorne Michaels: Then say it again, maybe it’ll happen.

Macauley Culkin: I wish you’d all just disappear! I want to do the show alone!

Lorne Michaels: Well, I think you’d feel pretty sad if it was time for your monologue, and no one else was around. Think about it. [ exits ]

Macauley Culkin: [ angry, sits in front of his dressing room mirror ] I’ll show them. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 23rd, 1991

Macaulay Culkin

Tin Machine

Edward Furlong

Martin Scorsese

Studio Alone

Macaulay Culkin’s Monologue

The Love Toilet

Bob Swerski’s Super Fans

Recurring Characters: Bob Swerski, Carl Wollarski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

A Mafioso’s embarrassing first date.

The Richmeister

Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.

Tin Machine performs “Baby Universal”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Recurring Characters: Cirroc.

Simon

Recurring Characters: Simon.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Watching an old lady slip on the sidewalk.

Young Superboy

Recurring Characters: Superman.

Tin Machine performs “If There Is Something”

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

U.S. Fon

Scalder & Son

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

What to do if your parachute won’t open.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 6

91f: Linda Hamilton / Mariah Carey

The Tooncinator

Linda Hamilton…..Sarah Connor
Ed Furlong…..John Connor
Terminator…..Phil Hartman

COUNTRY ROAD—EXT.—DAY

SARAH CONNOR’S CAR

Sarah Connor is driving her car, trying to escape the Terminator. Her son John is in the back seat, riding with her.

Sarah Connor: Don’t you ever do that again!

John Connor: But why, Mom?

Sarah Connor: Because you are too important, John Connor!

John Connor: But I had to get you out of there! That man — he was going to sell you a whole series ofTime-Life Books!

Sarah Connor: I wasn’t going to buy all of them! Just the introductory one, on Supernatural Phenomena.

John Connor: But that’s how they hook you!

The Terminator suddenly appears behind the car, runs alongside of it, and gets in the front passenger seat.

John Connor: Hey, it’s the Terminator!

Sarah Connor: (anxious) Not you again! I crushed you, then I melted you! What do I have to do, Cuisinart you?

The Terminator analyzes her remark internally, and concludes: “BAD JOKE”.

Terminator: I have come to protect you. You and your son are in great danger!

John Connor: Did they send another Terminator to get us?

Terminator: Worse than a Terminator. It’s the Tooncinator!

DARK STAGE—INT.—NIGHT

Toonces the Driving Cat is on the stage, dressed as the Terminator, with the trademark black leather coat and sunglasses.

OPENING CREDITS: “THE TOONCINATOR”

SARAH’S CAR

Sarah Connor: So let me get this straight. They sent a cat who can drive a car back through time, to kill us?

Terminator: A robot cat. And he can drive. Just not very well.

Suddenly the Tooncinator, in his own car, runs into the back of Sarah’s car.

John Connor: Look! Mom, it’s the Tooncinator!

The Terminator picks up a hand-held cannon.

Terminator: (to Sarah) You, drive. (to John) You, get down!

The Terminator fires, blowing out the back window. The bullets simply bounce off the Tooncinator.

John Connor: He’s still after us!

The Tooncinator and his car suddenly seem to vanish.

Sarah Connor: Wait, where did he go?

The Tooncinator accidentally drives off a cliff and crashes.

Terminator: I told you. He’s not a good driver.

Sarah Connor: Oh, thank God, he’s gone.

Terminator: He’ll be back.

The Tooncinator and his car suddenly reappear behind Sarah’s car.

John Connor: There he is!

Terminator: (to John) Get down!

The Terminator again fires his cannon. All he manages to do is blow out one of the Tooncinator’s eyes, which quickly repairs itself.

Sarah Connor: (watching her rearview mirror) He’s going over a cliff again.

The Tooncinator again drives over a cliff and crashes.

Sarah Connor: (relieved)It’s over. It’s over. (looking in her rearview mirror) Oh, no! I don’t believe it!

The Tooncinator is back behind them, wearing only his steel skeleton.

John Connor: Now what are we going to do?

Terminator: (suddenly fearful) I don’t know. I’m scared!

Sarah Connor: I’ve got an idea.

Sarah starts to slow down the car.

John Connor: Mom, we’re slowing down!

Terminator: That cat will kill us! It’s not human!

Sarah Connor: Not if my hunch is right.

Sarah stops the car. The Tooncinator, apparently friendly, gets in and takes the wheel.

Sarah Connor: See, he wasn’t trying to kill us after all. He was just trying to catch up to us, to be our kitty.

John Connor: (delighted) Can we keep him, Mom? Please?

Sarah Connor: Well, I don’t see why not.

Terminator: I just wonder if we should let him drive.

Sarah Connor: Well, of course. He’s a very advanced cyborg, with a series of sophisticated—Tooncinator, watch out!

Everyone: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

The Tooncinator takes everyone over the cliff with him.

Jingle: “Toonces, The Driving Cat.”

Submitted by: Victor Magana

SNL Transcripts