[ open on three kids playing with their Happy Fun Ball ]
Kid 1: It’s happy!
Kid 2: It’s fun!
All Three Kids: It’s Happy Fun Ball!
Announcer: Yes, it’s Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that’ssweeping the nation! Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one today!
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoidprolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture,should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
itching
vertigo
dizziness
tingling in extremities
loss of balance or coordination
slurred speech
temporary blindness
profuse sweating
or heart palpitations.
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelterand cover head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special containerand kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of HappyFun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, GlobalChemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing green substancewhich fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is beingdropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Music Intro: “I Can See For Miles And Miles”, The Who
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you? Defense Secretary Dick Cheney, and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Colin Powell have just returned from their trip to the Gulf. And a few minutes ago, they held a press conference. The word is that Powell is really pumped up and ready to go. Let’s watch. [ Colin Powell ]
Although troop rotation plans are not yet official, the Pentagon announced that General Norman Schwartzkoff will be replaced this month by NBC weatherman Willard Scott.
Dennis Miller: You know, I don’t get it – why do we even consider a ground war? I mean, why don’t we just bomb them for the next few years? I mean, the air war is like sanctions with a bad attitude!
The Iraqis finally conceded this week that their air force had a trouble getting off the ground, blaming it on the fact that there just wasn’t enough breeze.
Last Saturday, February 2nd, was Ground War Day. Saddam Hussein came out of his underground bunker and saw his shadow, meaning there will probably be six more weeks of Iraqis getting stomped on.
President Bush, last week, accepted a trophy from the Reserved Officers Association, as he was named Minuteman of the year. A frustrated Mrs. Bush could not be reached for comment.
In yet another effort to clean up New York City, Mayor Dinkins announced this week that he is urging the City Council to pass legislation that would require alternate side of the street urinating.
Dennis Miller: Once again, it is my pleasure to introduce one of the greatest pontificators of our generation, A. Whitney Brown.
A. Whitney Brown: Well, my friends, the country is at war. And as William Tecumsah Sherman said, “War is Hell.” Actually, war is worse that Hell, because they don’t have CNN in Hell. You know, if Vietnam was the first television war, then this has got to be the first Nintendo war. It’s like a video game. Who in their wildest dreams would ever imagine that Pong would lead to this? But, to me, the real story of this war is George Bush. He has risen to become a brilliant wartime Commander-in-Chief. It’s like he was made for it! What an incredible stroke of luck for this country, that, just when we happen to get in as war, we also happen to have George Bush as President. Twice! And the most ironic thing is, that domestically, he’s a shapeless political jellyfish. You know, it’s almsot too perfect ot be true. Now, I know he said he was gonna be the Education President – he just didn’t say it was Saddam Hussein he was gonna teach a lesson to. It’s a lot of money for one student. But you have to admit, our bombs are incredibly smart. In fact, our bombs are better educated than the average high school graduate – at least it can find Kuwait. I’m not trying to suggest that the reason we have 25 million illiterates in our country is because bombs got all the education money during the Reagan years. But we do have top be careful, because if we make these bombs any smarter, they may start having second thoughts about war altogether. You know The Big Picture, friends. It’s all right for a President to make promises he doesn’t keep before he’s elected. But when he makes promises after he’s elected, it’s a matter of national honor. And we are an honorable nation. So, as I watch Baghdad being destroyed, it makes me proud to think that, in a few months, Jimmy Carter will be over there rebuilding it. That, my friends, is The Big Picture.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Whitney. Thank you, buddy. A. Whitney Brown!
Sinead O’Conner, this week, said that she will neither attend nor perform at the February 20th Grammy Awards. When asked to explain her decision, O’Conner said, “Well, I like to be the baldest performer at any function that I attend, and I understand that the Grammy Committee has invited David Lee Roth to be a presenter.. so I’m cancelling, although I will continue to allow them to use my likeness on the Oscars.”
After years of friction and denial, the Road Runner and Coyote were finally married this week. “There’s a fine line between love and hate,” said the Road Runner, “and those traps were just his way of saying ‘Hey, I love you.'”
You know, if Gérard Depardieu is France’s biggest sex symbol, well.. I’m beginning to understand that Jerry Lewis thing just a little more.
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
[ open on Desert Storm soldier sitting on rear of humvee, cleaning his rifle ]
Soldier: [ singing ] “The boys were hanging around the camp that night wondering what tomorrow will bring. A banjo chord came through the blue and I heard somebody say.
A little bit lonesome, a little bit blue. Cleaning my rifle, and dreaming of you.
Beautiful memories come into view While cleaning my rifle, and dreaming of you.
That goodbye kiss you left on my lips is still just like new. And the dream you left in my heart will someday coem true
But in the meantime, think of me, do. Cleaning my rifle, and dreaming of you-ou-ou-ou.”
Nat X…..Chris Rock
Colin Powell…..Tim Meadows
Sandman…..Chris Farley
Vanilla Ice…..Kevin Bacon
Announcer: Live, from Compton. BET – that’s Black Entertainment Television – presents “The Dark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for the brothers! Now get ready for a man so black, lightning bugs follow him in the daytime – step back, ’cause here comes Nat!
Nat X: Peace, borthers and sisters! I’m Nat X, and welcome to “The Dark Side”, the only fifteen-minute show on TV. Why only fifteen? ‘Cause the Man would never give me an hour! Oh, the Man will give “Lame Ass” Rick Dees an hour, or the Man will give Bob Hope, a man so old he used to own slaves, an hour, vut he can only take me for fifteen minutes! I think we all know who the Man is I’m talking about. I’m talking about the same man that calls a black cat bad luck, and a white cat pussy. I’m talking about the same man that teaches us if you squeeze hard into a black piece of coal long enough, you can turn it into a white diamond! Which goes to show, if you put enough pressure on any brother, you can tuen him into Bryant Gumbel!
Alright now, it’s time for the Top 5. Why 5? ‘Cause 10 would make the Man nervous. Tonight’s the Top 5 Reasons Brothers don’t play hockey. Reason #5: It’s cold out there; Reason #4: They scared to get their gold tooth knocked out; Reason #3: Don’t want to be around white guys with sticks; Reason #2: Don’t want to be around a white guy with a mask; and the #1 Reason Black Guys Don’t Play Hockey: Don’t feel the need to dominate yet another sport. And that’s the Top 5 – that’s all I could get from Whitey at this time. Alright, my first guest.. [ siren blares, camera zooms in on Nat ] Uh-oh, what’s that? What’s that?! It’s a White-Man Cam! It’s a White-Man Cam! [ image of prison bars appear onscreen over Nat ] Get me outta here! Get me outta here! Set me free! White-Man Cam! [ back to normal ] Lord! Boy, I haven’t had that much fun since I saw Aunt Esther mud-wrestle Grady on “The Gong Show”!
Now, before I bringout my first guest, I just want to say that February is Black History Month. Isn’t that nice? The Man gives us February because it’s the shortest month of the year! Now, I’m not complaining, but I think we deserve at least a thirty-day month. It’s also the coldest month of the year, just in case we wanted to have a parade. Now, my first guest tonight is known to most of you at home as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Please welcome Colin Powell. [ Cowell walks out to “War”, saluting as Nat raises his fist ] Now, Brother Powell, could you tell the people at home exactly what you do?
Colin Powell: Well, Mr. X, as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, I’m in charge of all the Armed Forces.
Nat X: Alright, let me get this straight, let me get this straight. You control the black troops?
Colin Powell: No. No, I’m in charge of all the troops, regardless of color.
Nat X: Okay, that’s nice. I know the white man’s got you up front, but who’s the real boss?
Colin Powell: Now, I report directly to the Commander-in-Chief – the President of the United States.
Nat X: Ah-hah! I think I hear it! I hear them troops coming through now! I hear them coming! Alright, now when you report to the President in his White House, does he make you bring him coffee?
Colin Powell: [ pause ] That information is Top Secret Mr. X.
Nat X: Just as I thought! Did you ever think that Bush gave you the job, just in case he blew up the world, he could blame it on a black man?
Colin Powell: Look, Mr. X, I think it would be in your best interest to change yourl ine of questioning!
Nat X: [ put off ] Now, what kind of Brother are you! You think just because you got that uniform on, you’re not black? Well, I’ll you one thing – you make the wrong move, the white man will hang you faster than a Christmas light on the day after Thanksgiving! Sandman, get him out of here! [ Sandman sweeps his broom across the floor, as Powell exits the stage ] If you were a real Brother, you would take that Army to South Africa! Now, a lot of people call my next guest the Elvis of Rap, because they like the way he looks and dances. I call Vanilla Ice Elvis because I wish he was dead! Please welcome Vanilla Ice. [ Vanilla Ice enters, dancing to “Ice Ice Baby” ] Sit your white ass down! [ Vanilla Ice sits ] Now, Vanilla, I don’t mean to be so hard on you, but let’s just say I heard a few things!
Vanilla Ice: Yo, man! You know, I could understand why a lot of peopel don’t think I’m a real rapper. But I think it’s just ’cause a lot of people are jealous about all the records I sell. I just want to say to them: Ice is gonna be aroun for a while. Word to your mother!
Nat X: [ pause ] Now, there’s a big controversy about your bio. Could you tell the people out here exactly where you’re from?
Vanilla Ice: I’m from the streets, man! If it weren’t for rap, I’d probably be in jail, or dead. Word to your mother!
Nat X: [ fuming ] So you’re saying you’re from the streets?
Vanilla Ice: Word to your mother!
Nat X: What street? “Sesame Street”? Now, Cracker Boy, I was watching your video the other day, and I was wondering: How’d they do it?
Vanilla Ice: How’d they do what?
Nat X: How could they make it look like you could dance? I mean, did they something with the camera? Or did they get a black body double? Or did they feed you chitlins? I mean, what goes on?
Vanilla Ice: No, man, no! That was me dancing, man! I do all my own steps! Word to your mother!
Nat X: So you really think you can dance, huh? Man, you can’t dance! Sandman, give me some music so I can show this pale boy what dancing really is! [ Nat stands, and begins to hip-hop to Sly & The Family Stone ] Colin Powell! Come and join me! [ Colin Powell joins in ] Now, I guess I showed that boy what dancing is! I gotta end the show right now, so the Man can have his newscast. But tune in next week, when my guests will be Al Sharpton and the guy who stabbed him. Stay strong, Brothers!
Kevin Bacon: It really is great to bere – I gotta say, I’m a little nervous.. In fact, uh.. right now, I’m about as nervous as I’ve ever been. My heart, it’s going a mile a minute, but, you know, this is where my years of training comes in, because, as an actor, I’ve learned to control the instrument that is my body. Right now, my pulse right is at, uh.. [ feels neck ] ..it’s about 120. See, that’s nervous. So, uh.. right now, I’m just gonna bring it down.. [ pinches neck ] There we go.. gradually.. okay, we’re at 118.. 116.. yeah, here we go.. 110.. 98.. Okay.. okay.. right now, I’m at 90, which is just about perfect. So, you see what I mean, this is the kind of thing that today’s actors are trained to do. Not to take anything away from the great actors of an earlier generation – your Marlon Brandos and Dustin Hoffmans – but medical science has really come a long way in the last few years. [ licks lips ] Now.. yeah. See, as I’ve been talking to you, I’ve noticed that my mouth has gotten a little dry. So, what I’ve been doing is signalling my submaxial area glands to, uh.. produce more saliva.. [ waits ] Yeah, there we go! Mmm-hmm. Okay. Perfect. Not too wet, not too dry. So I think I’m in good shape now – pulse, 90; mouth, covered; palm.. [ feels ] ..a little sweaty, but no big deal. I’ve still got my autotomic nervous system shut down, to cover my subvasive glands.. [ presses arm, waits ] There, there we go. Now I’m ready. So, stick around.. [ pause ] Oh, no.. Oh, boy, this isn’t good. You know, I’ve been so preoccupied with my other glands, I’ plain forgot about my bladder. Well, what’s done is done, I guess. Live and learn, right? Anyway, we’ve got a great show tonight. INXS is here, so don’t go away, we’ll be right back.
[ open on press conference discussing the Gulf War ]
Defense Secretary Richard Cheney: And so, to sum up, while this war is by no means over, it is certainly fair to say that we have inflicted heavy damage on the Iraqi war machine, and every day brings victory for the coalition that much colser. Now I’m going to hand the floor over to the Lieutenant Colonel Pierson, who will field your questions.
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Thank you Senator Cheney. I’m happy to take any questions you might have with the understanding that there are certain sensitive areas that I’m just not going to get into. Particularly, information that might be useful to the enemy. Yes?
Reporter #1: What date are we going to start the ground attack?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Well, as I mentioned a moment ago, there are certain sensitive areas which we are just not going to go into, and that is certainly one of them. Yes?
Reporter #2: Sir, knowing what you know, where would you say our forces are most vulnerable to attack, and how could the Iraqis best exploit those weaknesses?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Well, again, this falls into the area of information that might be useful to the enemy, and I just can’t divulge it right now.
Reporter #3: Sir! Which method of hiding SCUD missiles is working best for the Iraqis?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Now, this again is a good example of information that could help the enemy, and I just can’t answer that.
Reporter #4: I have a two-part question. Are we planning an amphibious invasion of Kuwait, and if so, where exactly will that be?
Defense Secretary Richard Cheney: Excuse me. If I could interrupt here, I just want to underscore what Colonely Pierson said at the start of Q&A. There are two general categories of questions that we are simply not going to be able to address. On, those that would give our enemy advance warning of our actions, and two, those that would identify any points of weakness or vulnerabilities to the Iraqi forces. So let’s reopen the floor to questions.
Reporter #5: I understand that there are passwords that our troops use on the front lines. Could you give us some examples of those?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: No, that is something I really cannot comment on.
Reporter #6: Yeah! Are we planning an amphibious invasion of Kuwait? And if so, where?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: I believe that question was asked and if you recall, I already answered it, or said I could not answer.
Reporter #7: Sir, what woul dbe the one piece of information that would be most dangerous for the Iraqis to know?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: No can answer! I have time for two more questions. Yeah?
Reporter #8: Yes, Farud Hashami, Baghdad Times. Where are your troops, and can I go there and count them?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: Nope! Last question.
Reporter #9: Is there anything that you can tell us that would lower the morale of our fighting men?
Lt. Col. William Pierson: No. Really, the only thing we’re at liberty to say at this time is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Kevin Bacon: Thank you! Thanks to the cast and crew. Thanks to the audience. Thank you to INXS! Happy birthday, Hilda! Thanks a lot, I appreciate it! Good night!
Jack Handey V/O: As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable — until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Jack Handey V/O: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Air Date:
Deee-Lite with Bootsy Collins & The Rubber Band, “World Clique”
