[ open on interior, family library, as members of the Sarcastic Clapping Family enter and sit ]
Jeffrey: Now that we’re all here, I’d just like to say one thing: I know that some of you would like to challenge Father’s will! After all, Meg and I did to rather well.. and maybe Blake and Cosima think that’s unfair! Of course, I certainly respect your right to do whatever you feel you have to do – but! For God’s sakes.. before we start getting lawyers in here, and fighting each other like greedy rats! Let’s remember one thing: we’re a family, dammit! A family!! Because there’s a lot more at stake here than mere dollars and cents! There’s the memory of a man we all loved. The man we called.. “Father”.
[ Cosima claps sarcastically ]
Cosima: Quite a performance, Jeffrey. Oh.. quite a performance, indeed. Considering the fact that you.. hated Father! No, no, no – don’t act so shocked, Jeffrey. We all know that you were just waiting for Father to die, so you could get oyur filthy hands on all his money..!! [ sobs ]
[ Colin claps sarcastically ]
Colin: Nice speech, Cosima. Very nice. Considering you hadn’t seen Father in almost two years!
[ Blake claps sarcastically ]
Blake: Nice cutting observation, Colin.
[ Meg claps sarcastically ]
Meg: Nice sentence, Blake.
[ Chris claps sarcastically ]
Chris: Nice clapping, Meg!
[ Jeffrey claps sarcastically ]
Jeffrey: Nice.
[ they all clap sarcastically ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: And now, a scene from the next episode of.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.
[ dissolve to Blake and Cosima sitting around their proud Little Girl ]
Little Girl: Mommy! Daddy! Look at my picture!
[ Blake and Cosima clap sarcastically ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: Next week, on.. “The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton”.
Announcer: [ over scroll ] “Normally at this time in the program, we at SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE broadcast a send-up or spoof of a television commercial. However, due to the current situation in the Gulf, we feel it would be inappropriate to air tonight’s segment. Therefore, “EXECU-JOHN, the Briefcase you can poop in,” will not be seen tonight. We hope you understand our position and still enjoy the program.”
Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers Garth Algar…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: “Saturday Night Live” will be seen immediately following this Excellent Report.
Wayne & Garth: [ singing ] “Wayne’s World! Special Report! Party Time! Excellent!”
Wayne: Welcome to “Wayne’s World: Special Report”! I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell! With me, as always, is Garth.
Garth: Party on, Wayne!
Wayne: Party on, Garth! Okay! For the last 72 hours, all we’ve been doing is watching television coverage of the War in the Gulf. Non-stop
Garth: We haven’t been out of the basement in three days!
Wayne: We’ve got three sets down here, man! It’s a media circus! One set is on CNN, one set is on NBC, and one set is on ABC. We ddin’t even both with CBS, because, I’m sorry, their coverage sucks! Dan Rather – not! Okay, we’ve been surviving on a diet of Pizza Hut Pizza and Jolt Cola, so.. we’re a little fried.
Garth: Yeah, man! Whoa-oa-oa-oa!!
Wayne: But we’re riding a humungoid caffeine and sugar buzz. I mean, I could bend spoons with my mind!
Garth: I’m so tired, that for a while there I was starting to hallucinate, man! ‘Cause at 4 in the morning, Garrett Utley started to look like an alien! I just wanted to grab his big head and go, “Bleeeaaaggggghhhh!!!”
Wayne: Okay! Our job tonight is more to inform than to entertain, because, after 72 hours of non-stop three-set intense watching – I mean, we got so sucked into the coverage, we didn’t even bother to go upstairs. I mean, we just whizzed in the laundry room sink, you know? So, I don’t mean to sound conceited, but we are now experts in the fieldof military hardware and media coverage. Alright, Garh, quiz me.
Garth: Alright, what is the range and speed of the Patriot missile?
Wayne: Alright. The MIM-104 Patriot, with a range of 37 miles at a speed of Mach-3, primarily used against aircraft, but battle-tested for the first time against Scud.
Garth: He shoots, he scores! Excellent!
Wayne: Now, it’s time for the Best/Worst list of media coverage.
Wayne & Garth: [ singing ] “Best/Worst! Best/Worst! Party Time! Excellent!”
Garth: Okay! Best name of a correspondent!
Wayne: Brick Hugh, ABC. Geez, I wish that was my name! It sounds like James Bond, you know? [ imitates ] “Hugh. Brick Hugh.” Congratulations! Good work, my friend! Okay, Worst Name. CNN Pentagon Correspondent, Wolf Blitzer? Shyeah, right! Garth: It’s so obvious the guy made it up for the war! Wayne: Yeah! I know, it’s like, “Hi, we now take you to our War Correspondent, Howitzer Explosion Guy.” Okay! Best Military Hardware Name. Scud.
Garth: Scud! Scud! A Soviet-made short-range blitzing missile with a speed of Mach-1, and a range of 300 miles!
Wayne: Good work, my friend!
Garth: Excellent!
Wayne: You know, the first time I heard the word “Scud”, I thought it was like, you know when you see a really pretty chick walking down the street, about 30 feet away, and you saiy, “Hello! Babe alert!” Right? But when you get closer, you go, “Oh, my God! She’s a scud!” It’s just like the missile, right? You’ve got medium-range chick scuds, and long-range chick scuds.. it’s brutal!
Garth: Alright, Worst Map. “Nightline”, ABC. What were they thinking!
Wayne: I know, it’s like a sandbox! I built a volcano in the third grade that looked better! Okay! Best Video. The Pentagon Smart Bomb tape. You know, the one that’s so accurate it goes through the door? You know, the bomb that goes, “Knock-knock!”
Garth: Who’s there?
Wayne: Ka!
Garth: Ka who?
Wayne: Ka-boom!
Garth: Excellent!
Wayne: Okay, Worst Going To Commercial War Theme.
Garth: CNN, man. It was just a bunch of drums.
Wayne: Hey! Spend some money – it’s a war! Alright, Best Haircut. Ted Koppel. It looks natural..
Wayne & Garth: Not!
Garth: Sidebar! Sidebar! Watch the wind, Ted! Whoa-oa-oa! Alright! Whoa-oa-oa-oa! Alright, Most Interesting Opening Line On A Network Program.
Wayne: Okay, easy. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” Whoa-oa!
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman Sinead O’Conner…..Jan Hooks Billy Idol…..Sting Luther Campbell…..Chris Rock Steve Lawrence…..Mike Myers Eydie Gorme…..Victoria Jackson
Announcer: The Sinatra Group. An unrehearsed discussion of current issues in the recording industry. With panelists Sinead O’Connor, Billy Idol, 2 Live Crew star Luther Campbell, and Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme. And now, here’s the moderator, Frank Sinatra.
Frank Sinatra: Issue number one: Censorship. They got the records with the labels now, people getting arrested. What the hell’s going on? Sine-aid O’Conner!
Sinead O’Connor: Well, I thnk it’s a bloody shame that freedom of expression is suppressed in this country..
Frank Sinatra: Yap, yap, yap! Billy Idol!
Billy Idol: I think they’re all a bunch of tight-assed old farts.
Frank Sinatra: Get a haircut. Luther Campbell!
Luther Campbell: Well, man I had my run-ins with censorship all year.
Frank Sinatra: Can’t understand a word.
Luther Campbell: I said I was censored all year.
Frank Sinatra: You don’t know what censored is, junior. Censored is being dumped by Columbia because Mitch Miller doesn’t like the way your career is going. It’s having million-dollar pipes and nowhere to play ’em. Am I right, Steve and Eydie?
Steve Lawrence: Yes, you are, Frank.
Eydie Gorme: Absolutely, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: You bet I am. Next issue: this crap with M-TV. With the nudity and all. What is this crap? Sinbad O’Connor.
Sinead O’Connor: Well, I think it’s bloody awful. But it’s typical of entertainment in a male-dominated society.
Frank Sinatra: Boo-hoo! You had me, and then you lost me! Billy Idol.
Billy Idol: I think it’s great.
Frank Sinatra: Shut up! Luther Campbell.
Luther Campbell: Well, that’s my bread and butter, man.
Frank Sinatra: Once more around, pal. Sounds like pops and buzzes from here.
Luther Campbell: I said, that’s my bread and butter, man. Frank Sinatra: No, you’re wrong, schoolboy. You don’t need to work blue! You’ll never play the big rooms with that crap. Ask Redd Foxx. You don’t need the blue stuff, kid, you got talent!
Luther Campbell: But I don’t have talent.
Frank Sinatra: You’ve got it, kid. You listen to me – you’ve got a Ben Vereen quality, I can’t put my finger on it. Take the high road, baby!
Luther Campbell: I swear, man, I don’t have any talent. None! This is all I got. [ to Billy Idol ] Tell him, man.
Billy Idol: Yeah, he sucks!
Sinead O’Connor: He’s not talented.
Frank Sinatra: No, Bob Goulet – that’s not talented! You got talent! You got a Dionne Warwick/Falana kind of thing going. Steve and Eydie?
Eydie Gorme: Oh, you’re right, Frank.
Steve Lawrence: Absolutely. He’s great!
Frank Sinatra: Of course he is, you brownnoses. Look at you, you’re just swimming in my wake. Issue number three: [ points to Sinead ] This bald chick – what’s with her head? Let’s start with the chick. What gives, cue ball? I’m looking at you, I’m thinking: fourteen in the side pocket!
Sinead O’Connor: I can’t believe you’re talking about my hair with all the bloody starvation and suffering in the world right now.
Frank Sinatra: Come on! Swing, baby, you’re platinum! Billy Idol.
Billy Idol: I think she’s really quite attractive.
Frank Sinatra: Check out his papers. Luther Campbell!
Billy Idol: You watch it, mate!
Frank Sinatra: Easy, baby! And what’s with the sneering crap? [ Billy sneers ] Don’t do that to the people, they want to like you! That’s what killed Dennis day – contempt for the audience. Luther Campbell! What about the chick’s head?
Luther Campbell: Be honest, I don’t care about the head. I like the butt.
Frank Sinatra: I hear you, baby. Forget the head. Put a bag over it and do your business! Am I right, Steve and Eydie?
Steve Lawrence: [ slow to answer ] You bet, Frank!
Eydie Gorme: You know it, Chairman!
Frank Sinatra: You were a little slow that time.
Steve and Eydie: Sorry, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: Forget it, you’re alright. You could pick up a check once in a while..
Eydie Gorme: Frank, that’s not fair.
Frank Sinatra: Shut up! Okay, issue number four: Milli Vanilli. What is this faggot crap? Uncle Fester!
Sinead O’Connor: I don’t understand the question.
Frank Sinatra: I’ll tell you what you better understand! Next time you see Old Glory riding up that pole, you better sing that anthem, darling! You’re lucky you’re a chick, or you’d be nothing but a stain on the road and a crewcut. Our founding fathers went to the mat for you, baby!
Sinead O’Connor: It’s not my flag – I’m Irish.
Frank Sinatra: Oh? Well, then stay off of this stuff.. [ mimes drinking ] That’s the curse of you people. Billy Idol!
Billy Idol: I forgot the bloody question.
Frank Sinatra: I’ll tell you the question – What the hell’s with this Devil stuff? The whole black mass, and the whole six-six-six, coffins thing? Don’t think the Big Man ain’t keeping score, baby! He put you in the penthouse, and He can kick you back down to the gutter with these two! [ points to Steve & Eydie ]
Steve and Eydie: Hey! Geez!
Frank Sinatra: Shut up, you wastes of space! Just be glad you get to hang with me!
Steve Lawrence: You’re right, Frank.
Eydie Gorme: Sorry.
Frank Sinatra: It’s your choice. You can open for me at the Meadowlands, or you can headline at the Tick Tock Inn. Okay, Luther!
Luther Campbell: I think Milli Vanilli got what htey deserved.
Frank Sinatra: Can’t understand a word. Next issue – Rita Hayworth or Ava Gardner, who would you rather nail? I disqualify myself, because I’ve done them both.
Billy Idol: I think you’re a bloody, stupid old fart!
Frank Sinatra: You’re all talk, blondie! You want a piece of me? I’m right here!
Billy Idol: Don’t provoke me, old man.
Frank Sinatra: You don’t scare me. I’ve got chunks of guys like you in my stool!
Billy Idol: Alright, I’ll rip your bloody head off.
Frank Sinatra: Steve, go kick his ass.
Steve Lawrence: [ confused ] What?
Frank Sinatra: You heard me!
Eydie Gorme: Do it, Steve!
Steve Lawrence: Huh? Well.. okay.. [ stands over Billy ]
Billy Idol: You got it. [ punches Steve in the gut, knocking him to the floor ]
Frank Sinatra: Next week, the Grammy Awards. Where the hell is Vicki Carr’s album? Bye bye. [ overlooking the fight ] Keep the hands up, Steve..
Richmeister: The Tomster, makin copies! Mr. Tom! Tommy!
Tom: Yeah, see ya. [exits]
Richmeister: Tom! [Randy enters the copy room] Bill! Billy! The Billster! Bill-Man! Billy Bill Bill!
Randy: [annoyed] The name is Randy!
Richmeister: Randy! The Randster! Only one copy for the Randman! [Randy leaves] Randy! [Steve and Sandy enter] Steve and Sandy, makin copies! The Steve-Man and the Sandster, makin copies!
Steve: [to Sandy] Who is this guy, do you know him?
Sandy: Dont worry about him, hes just Richard Laymer. Its just his way of trying to be nice. [to Richard] Hi, Richard!
Richmeister: The Sandster, saying hi! Sandy and Steve!
Steve: Its kind of annoying; maybe somebody ought to talk to him.
Richmeister: Steve-o-rama! Steve-o-ramavitch!
Sandy: Weve all tried, theres nothing we can do.
Richmeister: All right! Steve-Os finished with the copies! Sandys turn! Sandita! [Steve approaches Richmeister]
Steve: Hey guy, whatre you working on here?
Richmeister: Steve-o-rino!
Steve: Uh, you work for the accounting department, I guess, huh?
Richmeister: Steve-O!
Steve: So how do you like it here?
Richmeister: All right! Steve-o-rolo! The Stevemeister, askin me questions!
Steve: Well, I gotta finish my report, Ill see you later. Richard! The Richmeister!
Richmeister: Yeah, makin friends with the Steveinator!
Sandy: [to Steve] I think theres another copy machine on this floor.
Steve: Okay. [he and Sandy exit]
Richmeister: Steve-O, leavin the room! Walkin away with the Sandstress!
[Sting enters the copy room]
Sting: Hey Richard.
Richmeister: Sting! Dr. Stinglehoffer! Makin copies! The McStingster! Stingatolla! Sting! Stinga linga ding dong dong. Sting!
Spokesman: You like our pubs, and you like our fish and chips. And I’m about to let you in on another secret – Hedley & Wyche.
Pub Owner: It’s the only toothpaste we ever use! [ smiles, revealing poorly-cared for teeth ]
Barmaid: One tube last for years! [ smiles with rotten teeth ]
Bobby: Actually, I’ve used it all my life, and I’ve never had to go to a dentist. [ smiles with rotten teeth ]
Spokesman: Hedley & Wyche, is the toothpaste that makes brushing a pleasure. That’s because its mild cleaning agent is enhanced by two teaspoons of pure cane sugar, for a smile that says “Yum, that was good!”
Pub Patron: And it tastes great on a cracker!
Jingle: “Hedley & Wyche The British toothpaste! It tastes okay And it’s got great taste!”
Spokesman: Hedley & Wyche. The British toothpaste. You don’t have to brush your teeth every week – but you just might want to!
Announcer: Hedley & Wyche. For a smile that says, “Yum, that was good!”
Elevator Fan #1…..Kevin Nealon Elevator Fan #2…..Dana Carvey
[ open on exterior, tall office building ]
[ dissolve to interior, Sting waiting by an elevator. Elevator doors open, and he steps inside. Elevator #1 walks in behind him. They both lean against the back wall of the elevator for the ride. ]
Elevator Fan #1: [ casually looks at the passenger next to him, performing a double-take when he realizes who it is ] Hey. You’re Sting?
Sting: Yeah.
Elevator Fan #1: Gosh, man.. I just think you’re really great..
Sting: Well, thanks a lot!
Elevator Fan #1: I’m a big fan of yours.
Sting: Thank you.
Elevator Fan #1: I have all your albums.
Sting: Really?
Elevator Fan #1: You know, with The Police.. and, then I also have all your..
Sting: Solo?
Elevator Fan #1: Yes! Solo stuff! Yeah.. a lot of great songs.. you’re great, man.
Sting: Thank you.
Elevator Fan #1: Boy, I mean, you know.. “Roxanne”! That’s a classic right there!
Sting: Oh.. thanks a lot.
Elevator Fan #1: [ starts singing ] “Roxanne.” Sting: Yeah.
Elevator Fan #1: “You don’t have to put on the red light.. Roxanne! You don’t have to sell your body to the night..”
Sting: Uh-huh.. that’s the song..
Elevator Fan #1: “You don’t have to put on your red light.. Roxanne!” Put on your right light!” You know?
Sting: Yeah.
Elevator Fan #1: “Roxanne – put on your red light! Roxanne – put on your red light!” Well, anyway, I just think you’re great!
Sting: Oh. Thank you. [ pause, eyes rolling ] It’s a tall building, huh?
Elevator Fan #1: One of the tallest! [ resumes singing ] “Roxanne!”
[ elevator doors open, as Elevator Fan #2 enters, leans against wall between Sting and Elevator Fan #1, thinking he recognizes Sting ]
Elevator Fan #1: [ whispering ] It’s Sting.
Elevator Fan #2: [ smiling ] Oh. What can I say?
Sting: That’s all right.
Elevator Fan #2: I mean, boy.. like.. “If You Love Somebody”?
Sting: Right. Right.
Elevator Fan #2: That.. that’s great, that’s.. God, that’s just.. [ chuckles ] “If you love somebody.. If you love someone” [ laughs ] You know?
Sting: Yeah. That was a good one..
Elevator Fan #2: “Set them free..”
Fans Together: “Free, free, set them free! Free, free, set them free!”
Elevator Fan #2: “De do do do, de da da da!”
Elevator Fan #1: “Is all I want to say to you!”
Elevator Fan #2: “De do do do, de da da da!”
Fans Together: “Is all I want to say to you! De do do do, de da da da! Is all I want to say to you!”
[ Sting presses the Open Door button, and quickly exits the elevator ]
Elevator Fan #1: Hey! Hey! Uh.. I just thought you were gonna get off at 110?
Sting: Yeah.. I just remembered, I’ve got some business on 85.
Elevator Fan #2: Okay. Okay, great. Goodbye!
Elevator Fan #1: Goodbye!
Fans Together: “De do do do, de da da da! Is all I want to say to you! De do do do, de da da da! Is all I want to say to you..”
[ Sting rushes off, as the elevator doors close ]
[ cut to Sting running up the stairwell, shaking his head at this predictament ]
[ dissolve to long shot of building exterior, over sound of the Elevator Fans still singing ]
Voice of Elevator Fans: “We are spirits in the material world! Are spirits in the material world! Are spirits in the material world..”
Jack Handey V/O: I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy – something like that.
Jack Handey V/O: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
Air Date:
