Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
If you define cowardice as running away
at the first sign of danger, screaming and
tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,
Mr. Brave man, I guess I’m a coward.
Month: October 2018
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
To me, clowns aren’t funny.
In fact, they’re kind of scary.
I’ve wondered where this started
and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,
and a clown killed my dad.
SNL Transcripts: Sting: 01/19/91
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 19th, 1991
Sting
Sting
None
Sting, “All This Time”
Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.
Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Sinead O’Conner.
Why clowns seem frightening.
Recurring Characters: Richard Laymer.
Defining cowardice.
Telling kids where rain comes from.
Recurring Characters: Paul Baldwin.
What’s inside a big shark’s stomach.
Bill Swerski’s Super Fans
Bill Swerski’s Super Fans
Bill Swerski…..Joe Mantegna
Pat Arnold…..Mike Myers
Todd O’Conner…..Chris Farley
Carl Wollarski…..Rob Smigel
Danny Sheridan…..Kevin Nealon
[ open on exterior, Ditka’s Restaurant ]
[ dissolve to the Round Table, where Bill Swerski and his Chicago Bears Super Fan friends sit, surroundsed by polish sausange and bratwurst ]
Bill Swerski: Good afternoon, my friends, and welcome to “Bill Swerski’s Super Fans”! I’m Bill Swerski, and with me, as always, are the Super Fans: Pat Arnold..
Pat Arnold: Hey, Bill.
Bill Swerski: ..Todd O’Conner..
Todd O’Conner: [ while chewing his food ] Bill.
Bill Swerski: ..and Carl Wollarski.
Carl Wollarski: How ya’ doing, Bill?
Bill Swerski: Alright, we’re talking here, live from Ditka’s, in the heart of Chicago, Illinois. The city of big shoulders, and home, of course, to a certain football team, which has carved out a special place in the pantheon of professional football greats. That team, which is known the world over, as.. Da Bears!
Superfans: Da Bears!!
Bill Swerski: Okay. Okay, by my watch, we’re about thirteen minutes from game time. As you are sure aware, Da Bears are getting ready for the big play-off against Da New York Giants. Now, let go around the room for some predictions. Pat?
Pat Arnold: Da Bears, 62 to 3.
Bill Swerski: Okay. Todd.
Todd O’Conner: Bears. 79-zip.
Bill Swerski: Oh, really? You don’t think that Da Giants will score?
Todd O’Conner: No, I do not! Da Bears defense is like a wall. You can’t go through it!
Bill Swerski: Alright. How about you, Carl?
Carl Wollarski: I say Bears, 52 to 14.
Pat Arnold: Oh, what? Come on!
Carl Wollarski: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I gotta give Da Giants credit – I think they’ll give Da Bears a game!
Bill Swerski: Alright, leave him alone, that’s his prerogative! As for my prediction.. at game’s end, uh.. there won’t be two teams of contrasting moods heading off da field, my friends. One gloom, one gleeful. The gleeful, of which be.. Da Bears!
Superfans: Da Bears!!
Bill Swerski: 74 to 2! I mean, after all, our civic pride is on the line. Because, let’s face it, if New York were to somehow beat Chicago, we’d never hear the end of it.
Todd O’Conner: Aw, they would love it over there!
Bill Swerski: You know, it’s absurd, really, that we would even have to waste our time comparing ourselves to that crime-ridden rathole!
Carl Wollarski: Absolutely!
Bill Swerski: I mean, for example, which building would you rather have – the Empire State Building, or Da Sears Tower? Pat?
Pat Arnold: Sears.
Bill Swerski: Carl?
Carl Wollarski: Sears is taller.
Bill Swerski: Todd?
Todd O’Conner: Sears.
Carl Wollarski: Sears!
Superfans: Da Sears!!
Bill Swerski: Alright, alright! Now, let me shift gears here for a moment. What is God’s role in this? Obviously, he’s rooting for Da Bears.
Pat Arnold: Otherwise, he wouldn’t have put ’em in Chicago.
Carl Wollarski: That’s right.
Bill Swerski: That’s right. Da question is: Now, did God create Da Bears, and make them superior to all teams? Or is he simply a huge fan, and Ditka made them superior to all other teams?
Carl Wollarski: That’s a tough one.
[ Waitress interrupts ]
Waitress: Alright, guys, here’s your food. Who had da bratwurst?
Pat Arnold: I had da bratwurst.
Waitress: Alright. Bratwurst. [ places down tray ]
Carl Wollarski: I had da Polish sausage!
Todd O’Conner: I ordered a knockwurst and pork chops!
Bill Swerski: Yeah.. please, next time, bring da food during da commercials, darling, alright?
Waitress: Just doing my job.
Bill Swerski: Yeah, alright.
[ Waitress exits ]
Todd O’Conner: Could you pass the ketchup?
Bill Swerski: Okay, well.. I see now that it’s almost time for the foregone conclusion that is today’s game.
Pat Arnold; Not gonna be pretty!
Todd O’Conner: Bears!
Superfans: Bears!!
Bill Swerski: Now, gentlemen, let me ask you this: What if Da Bears were all 14 inches tall, you know, about so high? Now, what’s your score of today’s game?
Carl Wollarski: Against Da Giants?
Bill Swerski: Yes, give ’em a handicap.
Carl Wollarski: Bears 18, Giants 10. And that would finally be a good game.
Pat Arnold: Yeah, it would be a good game. Mini Bears 24, Giants 14.
Todd O’Conner: What about Ditka? Would he be mini, too?
Bill Swerski: No, he would be full-grown.
Todd O’Conner: Oh, then, uh.. Mini Bears 31, Giants 7.
Carl Wollarski: Oh, hold on. Then I change mine, too. I thought it was Mini Ditka.
Bill Swerski: Okay, gentlemen, another scenario: Da Bears, they don’t make it, the plane is delayed.. and the only one who shows up is Ditka. Ditka vs. Da Giants. Okay, score, gentlemen.
Pat Arnold: Alright, after da heart attack, I gotta say Ditka 17, Giants 14. He just barely gets by.
Bill Swerski: Alright, that sounds exciting. Perhaps, you know, a late Ditka field goal.
Todd O’Conner: Bears!
Superfans: Bears!!
[ Danny Sheridan enters round table discussion ]
Bill Swerski: Hey! As you fans know, sports celebrities like to frequent Ditka’s. And oddsmaker Danny Sheridan has just sat down with us. Now, Danny.. what would the point spread be for a game like that? Ditka vs. Da Giants. Now, remember, it’s only Ditka, not the regular Bears team.
Danny Sheridan: Okay. I’m gonna say the Giants by about.. [ thinking ] ..800.
Bill Swerski: Great, Danny. Now, are you from New York?
Carl Wollarski: He lives in New York, eh, Pat?
Bill Swerski: You like it there. You can stay there, as far as I’m concerned.
Danny Sheridan: No, it’s just that.. it’s one guy, you know-
Bill Swerski: Yeah, that’s alright. Just take your crack pipe and go home! Get outta here, Danny!
Todd O’Conner: Yeah, go shoot somebody with a gun!
[ Danny Sheridan exits the room ]
Bill Swerski: Alright, now let’s get back to our discussion. Bears vs. the Assembled Choir of Heavenly Angels.
Pat Arnold: The whole choir?
Bill Swerski: Well, Saraphone, Jerebone – the whole nine yards.
Pat Arnold: Angels.
Carl Wollarski: Angels, but it’s close.
Todd O’Conner: Bears!
Bill Swerski: Alright. Ditka vs. God in a golf match. Now, he’s a good golfer.
Pat Arnold: Ditka.
Todd O’Conner: Dit-ka!
Carl Wollarski: Ditka.
Bill Swerski: Well, I see they’re setting up the 40-foot screen, so I guess it’s game time. Now, you enjoy the game, folks. Now, remember, next week – Bears-Niners. Alright, now Bears vs Stephen Douglas in a debate, what do you think?
Superfans: Da Bears!! Da Bears!
[ fade ]
Nightline
Nightline
Renee Becker…..Victoria Jackson
Sgt. Jimmy Becker…..Joe Mantegna
Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey
Art…..Mike Myers
Aunt Rose…..
Dad…..Phil Hartman
Bob…..Chris Farley
Grandma…..Julia Sweeney
Dirk…..Tom Davis
Sam Donaldson……Kevin Nealon
Diane Sawyer……Jan Hooks
Renee Becker: Hello, honey?
Sgt. Becker: Hi, honey! You sound great!
Renee Becker: Honey, we love you! And we’re very proud of you!
[ “Nightline” graphics open ]
Ted Koppel: Good evening. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiiiis.. is “Nightline”. If war does come to the Middle East, it will not be fought by George Bush or Saddam Hussein. It will be fought by men like Sgt. Jimmy Becker, of Sulphur Srings, Pennsylvania. Sgt. Becker, I know you were married last August, and your honeymoon plans were cut a little short.
Sgt. Becker: Yes!
Ted Koppel: Well, we have your bride, Renee, on a live phone hook-up. and, reNee, Jimmy – the line is now yours.
Renee Becker: Honey? You look great, and.. like I said.. we love you, and we’re really proud of you!
Sgt. Becker: Well, I love you, and, uh.. I appreciate it.
Renee Becker: Well.. here’s Art!
Art: Jimmy, it’s Art!
Sgt. Becker: Hey! Little Brother!
Art: Hey, we love you, and we’re real proud of you!
Sgt. Becker: I love you, too!
Art: Okay. now, I’ll give it back to Renee!
Renee Becker: Hi, honey! It’s me again! I still love you, and I’m still proud of you!
Sgt. Becker: I’m proud of you, too, honey!
Aunt Rose: Jimmy? Hi, this is your Aunt Rose! We love you, and we’re just.. so proud! Here’s your dad!
Dad: Son, I’m proud of ya!
Sgt. Becker: And.. you love me?
Dad: Sure do! I love you! And I’m proud of ya! I’m gonna give you back to Renee.
Renee Becker: Honey, it’s me again! Everyone is just so proud!
Sgt. Becker: I.. know..
Renee Becker: I have a suprrise for you!
Bob: Jim, it’s Bob!
Sgt. Becker: [ excited ] Bob!
Bob: Jim, you look great!
Sgt. Becker: Well, thanks! I wish I could see everybody there.
Bob: Well.. we’re all very proud of you. I’ll give you back to Renee.
Sgt. Becker: [ disappointed ] Uh.. you don’t have to do that, Bob..
Renee Becker: Honey? I miss you.
Sgt. Becker: Yeah.. no more, okay, honey?
Renee Becker: Honey, somebody special came all the way from Tulsa!
Sgt. Becker: Okay.
Grandma: Jimmy, it’s Grandma!
Sgt. Becker: Hi, Grandma!
Grandma: Jimmy, where are you?!
Sgt. Becker: I’m.. I’m in Saudi Arabia, Grandma.
Grandma: Jimmy, can you come over when you have some time, my car is making that same noise again!
Sgt. Becker: Uh.. I’ll try to get somebody to fix that, Grandma..
Grandma: It still drives fine, and everything – of course, I don’t drive that much any more!
Sgt. Becker: [ getting aggravated ] Grandma, put Renee back on.
Grandma: If something happened to that car, I don’t know what I’d do!
Sgt. Becker: Grandma! Put Renee back on! [ Renee attempts to grab the phone from Grandma ] Hello? Hello! What’s going on!
Ted Koppel: Jimmy, excuse me. I believe Renee is trying to get the phone away from Grandma.
Renee Becker: Honey? It’s me again. Don’t worry – Dirk said that he’ll drive out and look at Grandma’s car for her.
Sgt. Becker: Okay.. Well.. you thank Dirk for me.
Renee Becker: Wait, uh.. you can talk to him, he’s right here!
Sgt. Becker: Uh.. uh.. honey! No!
Dirk: Jim! It’s Dirk! Listen, don’t you worry about Grandma’s car. you just take care of yourself over there, we sure wouldn’t want any thing to happen to you, seeing as how we all love you, and, uh.. how proud we all are of you.
Renee Becker: Hi, honey, I’m back! Honey?
Ted Koppel: Sgt. Becker? Sgt. Becker, I don’t mean to interrupt. This is Ted Koppel in Washington. On behalf of all of us at ABC News, I just want to say how very proud we are of you, Sgt. Becker, and how much we all love you.
Sgt. Becker: [ out of it ] Thank you, Ted, I.. love you, too.
Ted Koppel: I’ve got Sam Donaldson here.
Sam Donaldson: Sgt. Becker! Sam Donaldson here! I don’t know if Ted made it clear just how much we at ABC News love you! And it goes without saying that we’re most proud of you and your brave co-horts – whom we also love!
Diane Sawyer: Sgt. Becker? Diane Sawyer. Now, while I can’t say that I love you, because.. well, i’ve never met you-
Sam Donaldson: Oh, come on, Diane! I’ve never met him, and I love him!
Diane Sawyer: Sam, if you would let me finish, I was about to say how proud of him I am.
Sam Donaldson: Oh, I see! It’s all well and good to be proud of our soldiers! But to love them! No, that’s going too far! Come on, Diane, it’s no skin off your back to love the man!
Sgt. Becker: Uh, yeah.. hi. Uh.. is Renee there?
Diane Sawyer: Well, Sam, maybe it’s just that love means something more to me. I mean, I love my husband-
Sam Donaldson: Oh, I get it! Let’s just love Mike Nichols, he’s a big Hollywood director! It’s easy to love him!
Ted Koppel: Sorry, Sam and Diane, but I do want ot get back to Sgt. Becker for some final thoughts. Sgt. Becker?
[ camera shows battle fatigues wrapped around a broom; Sgt. Becker nowhere to be seen ]
Ted Koppel: Apparently, Sgt. Becker has assembled a crude dummy of some sort, and left it in his place. I’m afraid we’re going to have to leave it there. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiiis.. is “Nightline”.
Officer Miller
Officer Miller
Officer Miller…..Phil Hartman
Billy…..Chris Farley
Jingle:
“He’s concerned and he’s nice, he’s..
Officer Miller!
He gives out free advice, he’s..
Officer Miller!
If you’re down and in doubt
you’ll be glad he’s about
so just give him a shout!
Hey!
Officer Miller!”
Officer Miller: “That’s me!”
[ open on Officer Miller walking up to Billy, who’s sitting on the stoop smoking a cigarette ]
Officer Miller: Hi, Billy!
Billy: Hi, Officer Miller!
Officer Miller: I see you’ve.. started smoking.
Billy: Yes, sir. It kinda makes me feel like one of the oldr guys. Want one?
Officer Miller: No, I keep something else in my pocket, Billy. [ removes pictures from pocket ] Pictures. Wanna see ’em?
Billy: Sure! [ looks at first picture ] Wow.. what’s that?
Officer Miller: That’s a human lung, Billy. A healthy one! Pink, clean, fresh – good enough to eat. [ flips through pictures ] Now, this is a smoker’s lung, Billy. All tar and tumors. Not a pretty sight.
Billy: No.. it isn’t..
Officer Miller: [ flips through the pictures ] Oh. Take a look at this one. This is a guy who had to have his jaw removed. Yeah. He’s a funny-looking sort, isn’t he? Talk about your weak chin!
[ they both laugh, though Billy isn’t too sure sure why he’s laughing with Officer Miller ]
Billy: Whoa, what’s this one?
Officer Miller: Oh, that’s an enlarged prostate, Billy. We’ll talk about that some other time.
Billy: Okay.
Officer Miller: Say, why aren’t you playing ball with your friends today?
Billy: Well.. I got a lot on my mind. My grades.. the Middle East.. Why are we over there, Officer Miller?
Officer Miller: Well, it has something to do with freedom, Billy.
Billy: What is freedom, anyway?
Officer Miller: [ thinking ] I think Kris Kristofferson said it best: “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to do. Nothing ain’t worth nothing, but it’s free.” [ he can see Billy doesn’t draw the connection ] Let me see if I can put it another way. There’s an old Persian proverb that says, “Every man is free to jmp as high as his own penis.”
Billy: [ more confused ] What does that mean?
Officer Miller: How old are you, Billy?
Billy: 14.
Officer Miller: Ah, 14. [ reflects ]
Billy: I guess there’s a lot I don’t understand.
Officer Miller: Well, part of it comes from the fact that you’re at the age we call puberty. Right now, your body is producing enough testosterone to kill a man in his fifties.
Billy: Um.. sometimes.. when I see a woman just walking across the street.. I look at her body, and I just want to JUMP ON HER!! AND CLIMB ALL OVER HER!! UNDRESS HER WITH MY TEETH!! [ moan quietly ]
Officer Miller: [ looking away ] O-kay.. okay.
Billy: I just wish there were some way to tell if women are attracted to me.
Officer Miller: Well, Billy, humans are unlucky in that department. You see, in the rest of the animal kingdom, the female gives off very clear signals that she’s an estress and eager to rot with any available male. It might be a scent, or a particular call, or, in the case of the chukma baboon, the female genitalia becames flared and swollen! It looks like a big, red catcher’s mitt. Unfortunately, humans have to wear clothes. So, any display of swelling or discoloration is hidden.
Billy: Oh.. I see..
Officer Miller: So, the human female has to be a little more subtle. She might show her approval with a smile, or a gesture, or the way she moves her hips when she walks. Turning a means of locomotion into the act of trolling for our attention. Do you know what a “tease” is, Billy?
Billy: I think.. Sherry O’Donnell?
Officer Miller: Exactly. And there are millions just like her. [ chuckles ] You know, society is funny. A man’s not supposed to notice or say anything, he’s just supposed to stand there with a big smile on his face. Stand there, in his thick, scratchy, blue uniform. Maybe he forgot to wear his t-shirt that day, and his nipples are on fire! Because they’ve been rubbed raw against the stiff wool-
Billy: [ jumps up quickly ] Well, I gotta go play ball, Officer Miller-
Officer Miller: Hey, hey! Not so fast, Billy! Let me ask you – what kind of gal are you looking for?
Billy: Ohh.. somebody nice.. soomebody kind.. somebody who will love me for myself.
Officer Miller: [ laughs uproariously ] Oh, Billy. Do you remember the song, “I Want A Girl Just Like The Girl Who Married Dear Old Dad”?
Billy: [ shakes head ] No.
Officer Miller: Well, it’s an old song.
Billy: What do you look for in a woman?
Officer Miller: Well, my mother abandoned me when I was three years old, so.. I look for women who will love me for a little while, and then go away. You know, Billy, I feel the best kind of woman is the one who’s guaranteed to someday not be there.
Billy: Okay.
Officer Miller: Ah, you can run along and play ball now.
Billy: Thanks, Officer Miller. [ turns to leave, then stops and hands his cigarettes to Officer Miller ] Say.. would you throw these away for me?
Officer Miller: [ smiles ] You’re a good kid, Billy. So long!
[ Billy runs off, as Officer Miller lights up a cigarette ]
Jingle:
“Hey!
Officer Miller!”
I’m Chillin’
I’m Chillin’
Onski…..Chris Rock
B-Fats…..Chris Farley
Announcer: Live, from the Marcy Projects, it’s “I’m Chillin’!”
[ Onski and B-Fats hip-hop heir way into their crub full of hot dancing ladies ]
Onksi: Yo, what’s up! Welcome to “I’m Chillin’!”, the most stupefying show on TV! I’m your host Onski, to the highest degree, to the T.O.P., it’s all about mu-ee! And sittin’ by my side is my main man, my Toucan Sam, my can of Spam, his name ain’t Pam, he goes by the name of B-Fats! Yo, B, tell ’em how you feel!
Yo, I’m chillin’ like Bob Dylan, and I’m killin’ like penicillin!
Onksi: Yo, B! Yo B, yo B! You clockin’ the hos!
B-Fats: The ones that’s willin’!
Onksi: I hear that, boy! Now, before I start the show – I said before I start the show – I want to say, “Wuzzup!” to our new sponsor. That’s right! I want to say, “Wuzzup!” to F’d Up! malt liquor! That’s right! F’d Up malt liquor! Because the bold taste of F’d Up malt liquor is guaranteed to do just that – get you F’d Up! Remember – the F is for Fired!
B-Fats: Yo, Onski, pass me a 40 Dog.
Onksi: Here ya go, baby.
B-Fats: You know, Onski, I heard that Prince is all that and a bag of.. chips.
Onksi: Yo, man, I don’t like Prince! Don’t play me like that, man! I don’t like Prince, alright!
B-Fats: Don’t base me, I heard you got all his albums.
Onksi: Yo, man, I don’t got all of Prince’s albums! All I got is Purple Rain, alright! I like “Darling Nikki”, okay! Okay! Okay! Yo, yo, forget that, man, yo it’s about that time, man!
B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?
Onksi: No-aw, B.
B-Fats: Time to shoot a mime?
Onksi: No-aw, B. It’s time for the Mother Joke of the Day! That’s right! Today’s Mother Joke was sent to us from the Big Daddy Chain of the Thompkins Projects, Apt. C, right next to the incinerator. And it go a little something like the-ess: “Yo! Your mother got so much hair under her arm, it look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock!” Don Pardo, tell ‘im what he get for that!
Announcer: You win.. a Raiders cap. That’s right, a genuine Raiders cap, just like the one worn by every black teen in the city!
Onksi: Yo, Don! Tell ‘im what else he get!
Announcer: You’ll also win a gold tooth! A genuine three-karat gold tooth, just like the one worn by rapper Flavor-Flav!
Onksi: And if you don’t like that, you can get..
Together: ..the bozac!
Onksi: Now, right now we’re gonna show a world-premiere video from my man, Ice Cube called “Kill At Will”. That’s what we gonna do right- [ Onski’s beeper ges off ] Ah, ga! you know, we gotta go right now. That’s my beeper beepin’, so I ain’t sleepin’, you know what I’m sayin’? I gotta go pick up my baby’s mother, you know what I’m sayin’, ’cause she’s a cashier down at Popeye’s. You know what I’m sayin’? You know what I’m sayin’? Righrt now, I want you to remember one thing. Always wipe, and stay off the pipe. And if somebody ax you what you doin’, tell ’em..
Together: I’m Chillin’!
[ title in, fade out ]
Godfather Bush
Godfather Bush
President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Mr. Salatso…..Joe Mantegna
Saddam Hussein…..Phil Hartman
[ open on interior, Italian restaurant, President George Bush seated at table with Mr. Salatso and Saddam Hussein ]
[ Music Over: Italian muzak straight from the “Godfather” movies ]
President George Bush: I want to.. thank you for.. for arranging this meeting, Mr. Salatso.
Mr. Salatso: Well, nobody wants a war. If I can help make the peace, it’s good for my family; it’s good for everybody.
Saddam Hussein: So, how’s the Italian food in this place?
Mr. Salatso: Good! Try the veal! Now, Saddam.. I’m gonna talk to the president in Italian, if you don’t mind.
Saddam Hussein: Fine.
Mr. Salatso: Questa cosa Kuwaita e una cosa brutta per tutti. Ma e una cosa di business.
President George Bush: Io voglio solo che Saddam… partire da Kuwaita in tutto.. tutto.. Whatever, completely out. Molto rapido senza linkage. No linkage. No linkage. Non e prudente a questa juncture. No, no puo gonna do it. No.. puo.. gonna.. do it!
And now, if you’ll.. if you’ll excuse me.. I’ve got to go to the little boy’s room – if that’s okay.
Saddam Hussein: If you gotta go, you got to go. [ Mr. Salatso stands to frisk Bush ] I frisked him. Bush is clean.
Mr. Salatso: Don’t take too long.
President George Bush: Yeah. Okay. [ exits table ]
[ cut to interior, bathroom; Bush enters stall, hyperventilating ]
President George Bush: Calm down.. just calm down.. calm down! It’s okay, it’s okay.. Quayle said he’d tape the gun to the toilet. [ feels around the toilet, but can’t find the gun ] Damn! That idot! Should’ve had Sununu do it! Now, where’s that gun?! [ looks into toilet bowl ] Oh.. there it is. [ reaches into bowl, pulls out wet, soaking gun ] That bumbling fool boob! That does it – that’s the last important thing he does! [ grabs paper towels ] Just dry it off there.. Now.. now, just calm down. Breathe, breathe, breathe! [ breathes heavily ] Breathe, breathe! Just relax.. relax the body.. Easy – just two shots to the head.. drop the gun.. walk out of there – don’t run; wouldn’t be prudent!
[ Bush exits bathroom and returns to table ]
[ as Mr. Salatso speaks, camera tightens in on Bush, whose face is in disarray as he readies himself to assassinate Saddam Hussein ]
Mr. Salatso: Mr. President. We gotta talk about territory. Give Saddam the two islands. Let the man wet his beak a little. I mean, why should the El Salvo Family control Kuwait? They’re cutting the other families out of the action in this.. January 15th date. Maybe we could push it back a little, say, maybe, to St. Patrick’s Day! I mean, they’ve got tents to take down! The logistics.. Are you listening to a word I’m saying?
[ Bush stands and points gun at Saddam’s head; the empty gun fires no bullets ]
President George Bush: [ throws the gun down ] That’s it – he’s off the ticket! [ stomps out of restaurant ]
[ music sting ]
Saddam Hussein: What was that all about?!
Mr. Salatso: I’m sorry. All I can say is, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
SNL Transcripts: Joe Mantegna: 01/12/91
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 12th, 1991
Joe Mantegna
Vanilla Ice
None
Vanilla Ice, “Ice Ice Baby”
Recurring Characters: President George Bush, Saddam Hussein.
Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel.
Recurring Characters: Onski, B Fats.
Recurring Characters: Bill Swerski, Carl Wollarski, Pat Arnold, Todd O’Conner.
Dysfunctional Family Christmas
Dysfunctional Family Christmas
Dad…..Phil Hartman
Mom…..Jan Hooks
Son…..Dana Carvey
Other Son…..Mike Myers
Daughters…..Julia Sweeney and Victoria Jackson
Announcer: It’s that time of year, when families get together to reopen old feelings. And Silver Bell Records is proud to present a Dysfunctional Family Christmas. This is the album your family is sure to cherish for Christmases to come.
[ SUPER: “Let’s Pretend We Like Each Other (This Christmas)” ]
Dad: [ singing ]
“Christmastime, you force a smile
Everyone is joining in the group denial
Folks behaving infantile
Family Christmastime.”
Announcer: Hit after dysfunctional hit. Songs like “The Almost Perfect Christmas”:
Female Chorus: “Dinner is perfect, the presents are perfect
The tree and the parlors are perfect fun.”
Male Chorus: “Then your brother, yells at your mother.”
Altogether: “Christmas is ruined for everyone.”
Announcer: Get timeless hits like “Someday I’ll Get Christmas Right”, “I’ve Got My Drinking Under Control For The Holidays”, “Peace On Earth? Where?”, and “The Daughter Song”:
Female Chorus: “Presents and wrapping paper
Ribbons and bows and all that stuff.
Why do we even bother?
Nothing we get you is good enough!”
Announcer: And this country Christmas classic:
[ SUPER: “Ballad of the Co-Dependent” ]
Dad: “Every Christmas when you got drunk
I told the children you were not drunk.
And I said, “Tommy, you’re not being bad,
It’s just Christmas makes your Mommy mad.”
Announcer: You’ll get “Cant’ You Let It Drop, It’s Christmas”, “What I Want You Can’t Buy Me”, “Fruitcake And Shame”, and “Why Am I The Only One Who Knows What Christmas Really Means?” And many more.
[ SUPER: “Why Am I Here? (The ‘Pretty’ Song)” ]
Mom: “Underneath the mistletoe
Is a 2×2 jingle bell world.
And underneath all those extra pounds
is a very pretty girl.”
[ SUPER: “Runny Funny Daddy” ]
Kids: “Daddy’s nose is red and runny
Daddy’s voice is rough and funny.
Anmd the only words I can understand
are ‘God’ and ‘Damn’ and ‘Christmas'”.
Announcer: Just imagine – 24 timeless standards, including the classic “Carol Of Intimacy”:
Son: “Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!
“Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!
“Leave me alone! Please go away!
I’m doing fine! Just get away!”
[ SUPER: “DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CHRISTMAS – $19.95 – 1-800-GET-HELP” ]
Announcer: To order, call 1-800-GET-HELP tpday. Operators are standing by.