Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17





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89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

George F. Will’s Sports Machine

George F. Will…..Dana Carvey
Mike Schmidt…..Corbin Bernsen
Tommy Lasorda…..Jon Lovitz
Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon

Sam Donaldson Voice-over: It’s “George F. Will’s Sports Machine”, the sports trivia show for the real fan. And now, here’s your quizmaster, syndicated columnist, George F. Will.

[ cut to game studio, with an audience of die-hard sports fans cheering, as George F Will enters ]

George F. Will: Good evening. “Sports, say the ancient Greeks, is morally serious because mankind’s noblest aim, is the loving contemplation of worthy things.” That’s an excerpt from my new book on baseball entitled.. [ holds up book ] “Men at Work”, and I’d say it’s particularly a propos in light of today’s Expo-Padre game. [ audience issues a blank, sluggish stare ] Joining me today are two gentlemen who would no doubt agree. First, former slugger for the Philadelphia Phillies, Mike Schmidt. Good day, Mike. Tell us, what do you miss most since retiring from baseball last year?

Mike Schmidt: Well, George, I guess I miss going to the ballparkevery day.

George F. Will: Ah yes, ballparks. In humanity there exists avestigial memory of an enclosed green space as a place of freedom or play.

Mike Schmidt: [ confused ] Yeah. I guess.

George F. Will: Excellent. Competing with Mr. Schmidt today isskillful practitioner of the managerial arts – from the Dodgers, TommyLasorda. Salutations, Tommy.

Tommy Lasorda: [ slaps his stomach ] Good to see you, George. I’m ready to play!

George F. Will: Well, the manager’s role is one of both hector and helper, naysayer and nexus. Around his circumference lies the full measure of the game.

Tommy Lasorda: I.. uh.. well, I’m ready to play!

George F. Will: Very well. Let us engage the sports machine.Gentlemen, as always, the questions will focus exclusively on baseball, the only game that transcends the boundary between fury and repose. All right, hands on buzzers. [ he hits several buttons on the machine, which spits out a quiz card that George reads ] “The precarious balance between infield and outfield suggests a perfect symmetry. For $50, identify the effect of that symmetry.”

[ the contestants stare cluelessly, as the buzzer sounds ]

George F. Will: Sorry. The answer is: “The exhilarating tensionbetween being and becoming.” Being and becoming. Next question: [ hitsseveral buttons, dispensing another card ] “In 1954, Willie Mays, in anemphatic stroke of Byzantine whimsy, made his over-the-shoulder catch off of Vic Wertz. What was it not unlike?” [ no answers ] Take it? Anyone?

Mike Schmidt: The.. uh.. the catch in Cincinnati that.. [ buzzer sounds ]

George F. Will: Sorry. “It was not unlike watching Atlantis rise again from the sea, the bones of its kings new-covered with flesh.” [ audience members stare blankly in awe ] Well, gentlemen, no score as of yet, but the night is young. Perhaps what you gentlemen need is a little incentive, so here to tell you about today’s prizes is our own Sam Donaldson.

Sam Donaldson: Thank you, George. Thank you. Today’s winner willreceive a copy of Roget’s Expanded Thesaurus. [ holds up book, singing ] “Buy me a Roget’s and crackerjacks, I don’t care if I never come back. And they’ll also receive.. [ holds prize up ] ..Chocowhip, chocolate-flavored whip topping. It’s sweet and fluffy. Mmmm, Chocowhip!

George F. Will: Sam, isn’t it somewhat of a given that a whip topping would be sweet and fluffy?

Sam Donaldson: Oh, come off it, George! You can’t see the forest for the trees!

George F. Will: We’ll continue this spirited discussion later. As for now, it’s time we moved on to the Big Board. And the categories are: “Baseball as Narrative”, “Aristotle and Comiskey”, “Joyce Carol Oates”, “Left Field: Myth or Monopeia?”, “Pitch Patch Potch”, “Dulce et Decorum Est”, and “Pot Luck”. Mike, choose a category.

Mike Schmidt: [ contemplating ] Uh.. “Pot Luck”.

George F. Will: Very well. [ $100 card under category is removed, revealing question ] “Like freedom, baseball is that stake where energy and order merge, and all complexity is purified into a simple coherence.” Piffle, or not piffle?

Mike Schmidt: Uh.. piffle.

[ bell sounds ]

George F. Will: That is correct, it’s absolute piffle. It’s baseball’s complexity, not its purity, that instills in us our freedom, and you have $100.

Tommy Lasorda: Hey, wait a minute! What’s this piffle crap? What kind of question is that?

George F. Will: I’m sorry, Tommy, but this is not a forum here for debating the merits..

Tommy Lasorda: Oh, no, no, this isn’t a joke. I’m playing for a bunch of kids in the hospital, you’re making me look like a chump!

Mike Schmidt: I feel kind of stupid too!

George F. Will: Everything in good time, gentlemen. We certainly need to..

Tommy Lasorda: Let me ask you something: you ever playbaseball?

George F. Will: If, by play, you mean drink deep the aura of the game, then..

Tommy Lasorda: No no, I mean play the game.. in the field.. in the field. Here. [takes out a baseball and throws it to George ] Throw this ball.

George F. Will: I’m sorry, Mr. Lasorda, but my duties as quizmaster compel me to move the game along.

Sam Donaldson: Throw the ball, George! Throw the ball.

George F. Will: Shut up, Sam! Now then, next question. Mike, you have control of the board..

Mike Schmidt: Throw the ball! Come on, throw the ball!

Tommy Lasorda: Throw the ball! Throw the ball!

[ audience joins in chants of “Throw the ball!”, as George, confusedly, tries to think of what to do. Overcome by the crowd, he releases the ball weakly, landing only a few feet in front of him. Everyone laughs, and George, embarrassed, breaks into a weak run and leaves the studio. ]

Sam Donaldson: [ pointing ] He’s getting away!

[ Tommy Lasorda and Mike Schmidt chase George, leaving Studio 8H and running into the hallway. They pass actual photos of the “SNL” cast members as they leave. Superimposed title and music plays. ]

Sam Donaldson Voice-over: That’s all for today’s “Sport’s Machine” this week. Good night.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: Rob Holtman

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Corbin Bernsen’s Monologue

…..Corbin Bernsen

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Corbin Bernsen!

Corbin Bernsen: Alright! Thank you! Yeah! Thank you very much! Thank you! [ chuckles heartily ] Thank you!

Well, I’m really glad to be in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live,” huh? Now, before we start the show, there’s — I’d like to take this opportunity to clear something up. Now, because of the character I play on “L.A. Law” — Arnie Becker — you probably have a preconceived image of me as a cocky, arrogrant womanizer. [ the audience cheers ] That’s just.. a character. Now, I suppose there might be uh, a little bit of, uh, Arnie Becker in me, and. the truth is, when I first became famous, I did have a tendancy to be.. a little arrogant. I — [pauses ] I bought a Porsche.. I dated Vanna White.. [ audience chuckles ] I killed a man. [ audience laughs ] But then I realized what that was — that was just a – just a part of me crying out for acceptance. It was the fifteen-year old, remembering a time when – when girls didn’t want to go out with me, and when I wasn’t that popular. [ sincere pause ] That was a hard time for me. [ audience awwws ] Ah, who am I kidding! There was NEVER a time when girls wouldn’t go out with me! Women – hey, they’ve ALWAYS wanted me! and men have ALWAYS been afraid of me! I was just trying to relate to you people, somehow. [ with quiet sincerity ] You see, I’m, uh – I’m – I’m a little nervous tonight, and I just – I just wanted to get you on my side. [ a beat ] What am I talking about? I’m not nervous! They just told me to say that! I feel GREAT! I look GREAT! [ audience laughs ]

We’ve got a great show! The Smithereens are here! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

TV Lawyers

Judge…..Nora Dunn
Prosecutor…..Kevin Nealon
…..Corbin Bernsen
Susan Dey…..Jan HooksRaymond Burr…..Jon Lovitz

[ open on exterior, Municipal Court of Los Angeles ]

[ dissolve to interior, courtroom, as the Judge pounds her gavel ]

Judge: The next case is number 15702: The State of California vs. Corbin Bernsen. Does the prosecution have any opening remarks?

Prosecutor: Yes, Your Honor. [ stands ] These are the facts: Mr. Bernsen has constructed a three-story addition to his house that variants with public building codes, which limits structures in his zone to two stories. The State is asking him to dismantle the top story of his, uh, addition, and pay $1,500 in fines.

Judge: Alright, now, Mr. Bernsen.. where is your counsel?

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor — [ stands, smoothes the creases from his jacket ] it is my intention to represent myself.

Judge: Now, Mr. Bernen, this is a complicated matter. I strongly urge you to retain a lawyer.

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor, I don’t think you understand — for the last four years, I have portrayed a lawyer on a television program. And, in that time, I have grown very familiar with legal procedure.

Judge: [ sighs ] Alright, Mr. Bernsen. Why don’t you present your case?

Corbin Bernsen: Thank you, Your Honor. [ stands before the courtroom ] If it please the court, throughout the course of this trial, I intend to get an injunction and file several motions. [ paces the courtroom ] Affadavits will be signed. And submitted. and, of course, my case will include deposition. That’s right — [ stares directly at the Prosecutor ] lots of depositions.

[ the Prosecutor shakes his head ]

Judge: Mr. Bernsen, will you please get to your point?

Corbin Bernsen: Very well, Your Honor. We can litigate on that later. But, first, I’d like to make several legal points, which have a relevance to this case. A case which is now.. in a court of law. And, with your permission, I would like to lead the witness with torts, writs, and, if necessary — [ stares once again at the Prosecutor ] more depositions.

Judge: [ sternly ] Mr. Bernsen, we have many cases to hear today. Will you please be succinct?

Corbin Bernsen: Your Honor, I move that a mistrial be declared immediately in your chambers, to issue subpeonas and exchange legal briefs.

Prosecutor: Ob-jec-tion! [ rises ] Mr. Bernsen clearly does not understand the concept of this trial.

Judge: Objection sustained.

Prosecutor: Thank you. [ sits ]

Corbin Bernsen: Yuor Honor, this trial is, without question, the greatest injunction I have ever witnessed! This room is FULL of heresay and suspicious persons, and I must ask that ALL remarks be STRICKEN from the record, and be put on fle with the Court Clerk! [ to the Court Clerk ] Could you read that back to me, please?

Judge: Mr. Bernsen, it is the opinion of the Court that you are a boob. And I feel it is only in your best interest that I appoint you an attorney.

Corbin Bernsen: Oh — alright — wait, wait, wait. I-I foresaw this as a possibility, and I have, uh, I have legal counsel right outside.

Judge: Please.

Corbin Bernsen: I ask the Court.. to welcome Miss Susan Dey.

[ Susan Dey saunters into the courtroom in the same smooth demeanor of her character, Grace Van Owen ]

Susan Dey: Your Honor, I’m sorry about Corbin – he obviously did not prepare very well.

Judge: Well, there’s been no harm done, if you’ll just please advise him to pay his fines.

Susan Dey: [ steps closer to the Judge ] Your Honor, this case is not about building codes.. or zoning laws.. or any abstract ideas. [ turns to face the courtroom ] THIS.. case.. is about a real.. house. With a real.. addition. With real walls.. made of real sheetrock — oh, yes. [ nods her head ] And real moldings.. that have been really.. painted. With.. real paint.

Judge: I think we’ve heard enough, Miss Dey. Please sit down.

[ Susan Dey rolls her eyes, then takes a seat ]

Corbin Bernsen: S-sorry, Your Honor. Susan’s character has been going through some rough times on the show. But waiting outside is a much older, much more experienced lawyer who has agreede to represent me. Allow me to introduce Mr. Andy Griffith — TV’s “Matlock.”

[ Andy Griffith enters the courtroom, smiling and waving at everyone in the room ]

Andy Griffith: Your Honor, I don’t know SPIT about lawyerin’! But, ever since I was a little shaver, I used to love to sit by Crackleberry Creek! Fish for large-mouthed bass, just fryin’ them up! Mmm-mmm!!

Judge: Get out! Get out, get out! All of you, get out!

Andy Griffith: Nooow, hold yer horses! I won’t be handlin’ this case alone. I brought my good friend, Raymond Burrr along with me, to help me.

[ a heavily-padded and heavily-beared Raymond Burr swaggers into the courtroom ]

Raymond Burr: Your Honorrrr — [ takes a deep breath ] I intend to prove that my client, Corbin Bernsen, is INCAPABLE of the murder of Dr. Ainsley Bainbridge. [ takes another deep breath ] If you’ll indulge me in a little demonstration — [ clears his throat ] Paul?

[ a gentlemen enters the courtoom wheeling a volcano science project toward the Judge’s desk ]

Judge: [ banging her gavel ] Alright!! Now, Mr. Bernsen, I fine you guilty, and I assess the maximum fine against you! Now, before you go, I want you to know that I think the way you people have — have conducted yourselves here today is DISGUSTING! Now, I expect that kind of behavior from you people from “L.A. Law” — and from you, Matlock — but, not from you, TV’s Perry Mason! YOU’RE the reason I got into Law!! And I feel SORRY for you! Now, that is ALL I have to say!

Corbin Bernsen: Hold on! Before you go, there’s something I want to say to you. [ violin music pots up ] Maybe the four of us don’t know about this business — the specific details of the Law, or what it’s intended to do, or even how to find somebody who knows this stuff. But we do know one thing: that’s how to make a dramatic exit. [ to his colleagues ] Let’s go.

[ the four TV lawyer/actors make their dramatic exits from the courtroom as the crowd applauds their performance ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter

Ira…..Tom Schiller
Hanukkah Harry…..Jon Lovitz
Easter Bunny…..Corbin Bernsen
Elijah…..Al Franken
Otis…..Mike Myers
Roweena…..Jan Hooks
Mr. Toole…..Phil Hartman

[Sketch opens with the Rifkin family in the middle of a Passover seder]

Rifkin Family: …borei pri hagafen.

Ira: And now we drink the third cup of wine, aleph asher kidivitsnu.

[All raise their cups of wine and drink]

Ira: And now, as is family tradition, Uncle Hanukkah Harry will tell us about the prophet Elijah.

[Hanukkah Harry stands up]

Hanukkah Harry: Please, please stop, you’re embarrassing me! Now, as you all know, I love Passover. It’s no Hanukkah, but that’s nine months away. So I have plenty of time to relax, fly down here to Miami, visit my sister Cheryl, my nephew Ira, this beautiful family. And now, Elijah. As you know, it is custom to set aside a goblet of wine for the invisible prophet Elijah who visits every Jewish home who welcomes him. Now it is at this point in the seder when we open the front door for Elijah.

[Hanukkah Harry opens the door, revealing the Easter Bunny wearing crutches]

Hanukkah Harry: Oy gevalt!

Easter Bunny: Hi, I’m looking for Hanukkah Harry.

[Fade into opening credits:] [Hallmark in Association with the Jewish Anti-Defamation League presents:] [The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter]

[As the theme song is sung, we see Harry dressed in a gray suit flying through the air on a rickety cart pulled by 3 donkeys with blue blankets bearing their names.] Song: “On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Says Hanukkah Harry eight nights a year! On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Means that Hanukkah Harry is here! Delivering toys for Jewish girls and Jewish boys We dance the hora around the menorah When Hanukkah Harry is Here!”

[Cut to Easter Bunny at the Rifkins’ seder table]

Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, come here! Have another potato pancake.

Easter Bunny: No, thank you, thank you.

Hanukkah Harry: Have a—

Easter Bunny: No, I can’t eat another thing. It’s delicious, thank you, Mrs. Rifkin.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, anyway, about your leg, you were saying…

Easter Bunny: Yeah, I was in the woods and uh, I stepped into this steel trap left by one of these furrier jerks, and uh, my goodness, a forest ranger was there and he recognized me just as I was about to chew off my left leg.

Hanukkah Harry: You’re not able to deliver the Easter baskets to all the Gentile boys and girls?

Easter Bunny: No, that’s where I was hoping you would come in.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, I’m sorry, Easter Bunny, I only have that holiday eight nights a year. But you know, there is one man who has that power…

Ira: Uncle Hanukkah Harry!

Hanukkah Harry: …during Passover!

Ira: Uncle Harry, you don’t mean Elijah?

Easter Bunny: Elijah?

Hanukkah Harry: Yeah! In fact, when I was going to open the door for you before, I was opening it to let in Elijah.

[Focus on the wine glass, which magically empties as if an invisible being is drinking it]

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, it’s you!

[A disembodied chair approaches the table]

Elijah [voice] You were expecting maybe Charlton Heston?

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, I was wondering if you could do a little favor?

Elijah: Yes, Harry, I know, I heard. But tell me, why should I help the goyim?

Hanukkah Harry: Ach!

Easter Bunny: Please, Elijah, this is for all the little Christian boys and girls.

Rifkin Family: Please, Elijah!

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, remember that Jesus was a Jew.

Easter Bunny: I didn’t know that.

Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes He was. In fact, His Last Supper was a seder not unlike this one, except they didn’t have the appliances. Jesus was a great teacher, not unlike yourself, Elijah.

Elijah: But He was not the Son of God.

Easter Bunny: Oh yes, He was.

Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, please, you’re not helping. All I’m saying is that Jesus was a great rabbi, which is just one letter from the great rabbit, which is what we have here.

Elijah: Well, all right.

Rifkin Family: Hooray!

[We see Hanukkah Harry once again flying through the air on his cart, this time accompanied by a coat worn by the invisible Elijah, as a parody of “Hava Nagila” is sung]

[Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah saving Easter]

[Focus on two teenage hillbillies in a decrepit rural shack]

Otis: [drinking a bottle of Coca-Cola] You think the Easter Bunny’s gonna send us some Easter eggs, Rowena?

Rowena: There ain’t no Easter Bunny, Otis. That was Mama that always brang them Easter baskets, but now that she’s run off with that truck driver, we ain’t ever gonna have Easter again.

[Mr. Toole, Otis and Rowena’s father walks in, wearing only a pair of overalls and a backwards baseball cap and holding a beer]

Mr. Toole: What’re you kids doing up? Otis! You ain’t supposed to drink no Coke at night! That’s your breakfast!

Otis: Sorry, Papa. [sets the beverage on a nightstand]

Mr. Toole: Now, shut up and go to sleep! [shuts door]

[Otis and Rowena quickly fall asleep. Hanukkah Harry clumsily stumbles in through the window.]

Hanukkah Harry: Oy!

Elijah: Gott im Himmel. People live like this?

Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, shush!

[The teens wake up]

Otis: Who are you?

Hanukkah Harry: Oh, hello, boys and girls, I’m Hanukkah Harry! I’m sort of filling in for the Easter Bunny, along with my good friend here, the prophet Elijah. [points at his invisible companion]

Otis: Who?

Hanukkah Harry: He, well, uh, never mind.

[Focus on the Coke bottle, which magically empties as Elijah sips it]

Otis: You brought us an Easter basket! [He and Rowena approach Hanukkah Harry]

Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes. Look what I have for you, delicious treats. Some macaroons [hands them to the kids, who look at each other in disappointment] and some chocolate colored matzah [kids frowningly shrug] and look, a nut cup with filberts. Can you believe it?

[Mr. Toole opens the door again]

Mr. Toole: I thought I told you kids to shut…what the hell?

Rowena: [embraces Mr. Toole] Daddy, Daddy, this is Hanukkah Harry, he’s helping us celebrate Easter.

Mr. Toole: Shut up, Rowena. I got eyes. I can see what we got here [takes a shotgun off his gun rack and points it at Hanukkah Harry], we got us a Jew boy breaking and entering!

Hanukkah Harry: [holds up his arms] Please, Mr. Toole, allow me to explain. You see, I was at my nephew’s seder, Ira, and uh…

Mr. Toole: Shut your trap…

Hanukkah Harry: No, hold on…

Mr. Toole: If I was you, I’d get down on my hands and knees and pray to your Jew God, ‘cuz I’m gonna plug you so full of holes… [suddenly trips as his gun is taken away by the invisible Elijah] Huh? [Elijah hits Mr. Toole multiple times, knocking him out]

Otis: Gee whiz!

Rowena: How’d you do that, Hanukkah Harry?

Hanukkah Harry: Well, uh, let’s just say the Israeli military is getting very sophisticated.

Otis: Wait, Papa’s coming to!

Hanukkah Harry: Are you okay, Mr. Toole?

Mr. Toole: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Maybe being whupped by a Jew is the best thing ever happened to me. Makes me challenge a lot of my preconceptions, rethink my entire value system. Maybe Jews are just like everyone else, and maybe that Jew social worker from the county’s right, maybe I should stop whuppin’ my kids, get us into some family therapy, so’s I don’t lose the one thing I love in life, my kids. [bursts into tears]

Kids: We love you, Papa!

Mr. Toole: Thank you, Hanukkah Harry, thanks for the greatest Easter gift of all, the gift of rebirth.

Hanukkah Harry: Well, don’t thank me, thank Elijah.

[Mr. Toole’s beer floats in the air]

Mr. Toole: My beer! [Elijah takes a sip and sets it next to the gun rack]

[Everyone laughs]

[Fade out to see the globe with both Harry’s cart and a second disembodied cart in flight]

Hanukkah Harry: On Moishe! On Herschel! On Shlomo! Happy Passover everyone, and happy Easter!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Goodnights

…..Corbin Bernsen

Corbin Bernsen: We had a great time, huh! Hey, how ’bout The Smithereens! Yeah! [ claps ] What a week!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17

89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Cable Shopping Network

Brent Musburger…..Kevin Nealon
Jimmy the Greek…..Phil Hartman
Mavis Babcock (on phone)…..Jan Hooks

[ open on tight shot of product image, “King of the Hobos”, genuine Capodimonte statuette, retail value $279.95, on CSN ]

Brent Musburger V/O: You are looking LIIIVE.. at the “King of the Hobos!” this beautiful Capodimonte statuette retails at $279, but if you call in the next five minutes it could be yours for $42.95! That’s one heck of a bargain, and it’s comin’ your way on CSN!

[ dissolve to two-shot of Jimmy the Greek and Brent Musburger seated behind desk in the Cable Shopping Network studio ]

Announcer: It’s the Cable Shopping Network. With your host – Brent Musburger.

Brent Musburger: [ pulling his eyelids downward ] Hello, everybody, I’m Brent Musburger! And welcome, once again, to the Cable Shopping Network! Alright, we’ve got quite a line-up of merchandise to tell you about, but first – with me, as always, is Jimmy the Greek! Jimmy, what a week it’s been right here on C, uhhh — [ still wants to say “CBS” ] C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: [ smiling ] You said it, Brent! Talk about your surprises! We don’t sell a SINGLE beaded sweater, but the entire collection of STRING ART goes in two minutes!

Brent Musburger: Alright, Jimmy, let’s set the stage up for tonight. What have we got coming up, here on C-B — [ pauses ] S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: Well, Brent, in the next hour we’ve got one of my favorites — a set of collector’s plates commemorating “The King And I!” [ reveal plate featuring image of Deborah Kerr surrounded by children ]

Brent Musburger: Alright. Any particular plate in the series to watch out for?

Jimmy the Greek: Brent! Keep your eye on.. “Shall We Dance?”

Brent Musburger: Alright! That’s coming up later, on C-S — [ stumbles ] N. But, right now, let’s get back to that beautiful Capodimonte “King of the Hobos!” [ reveal statuette spinning in a circular motion ] Alright! No calls yet! Less than a minute! Eh, we’re runnin’ out of time! [ phone rings ] Alright! We’ve got a call! [ product image wipes to the upper left corner of the screen as Brent takes the call ]

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Hello, Brent?

Brent Musburger: Yeah!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: This is Mavis Babcock, from Shreveport, Louisiana —

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! Doin’ a little Home Shoppin’, Loozy-anna style!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well, Brent.. I’m just calling to say that you are a class act. And the way that CBS treated you was a disgrace.

Brent Musburger: Well, I appreciate that, Mavis. But I don’t want to dwell on the past. i’m no longer at CBS, I’m totally committed to C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. you – you just did not deserve that kind of treatment.

Brent Musburger: Well, thank you, that’s very kind. [ a beat ] Now, Mavis – how about that Capodimonte “King of the Hobos”?

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Huh? Huh? Well.. I-I don’t know.

Brent Musburger: Uh, Mavis, hold on – I think Jimmy’s got something to say to you!

[ Jimmy picks up on the other line ]

Jimmy the Greek: Mavis, I gotta tell you – this is genuine Capodimonte! Now, some previous issues have decreased its value as much as three-hundred per cent!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: Well.. [ thinking ] I really only called just to — oh, how much is it?

Jimmy the Greek: Well, for the next twenty seconds, it’s only $42.95!

Brent Musburger: Come on, Mavis! We’re dyin’ out here, on.. C-S-N!

Voice of Mavis Babcock: [ considers the offer ] Well.. okay, Brent. Out of respect for you, I’ll buy it.

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIGHT!! [ hangs up phone ] We’re gonna give you a couple of HONKS for that one! [ honks a toy horn ] CAJUN STYYYYLE! Alright! Let’s take a look at what we’ve got comin’ up in the next hour, on C-S-N! [ show product: Man’s “Gold Nugget” Pinky Ring ] A set of gold nugget pinky rings, with a setting of crushed faux diamonds and sea pearls!

Jimmy the Greek: Now, Brent, these rings are cut extra wide, and that’s great if you have pudgy fingers, like mine!

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIGHT!! And it’ll be comin’ your way, right here, right now, on C-B — C-S — C-S-N!

Jimmy the Greek: You know something, Brent? These are gonna be BIG with your black shoppers! and I’ll tell you what —

Brent Musburger: [ cautiously ] No, no! That’s alright, Jimmy —

Jimmy the Greek: No, no! Now, see — your BLACK shopper goes for your FLASHIER things! Now, if it’s SHINY or POINTY or has any FUR dripping off —

Brent Musburger: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy —

[ cut to bouncy music over blue screen, SUPER: “Please Stand By” ]

[ cut back to CSN, Brent now sitting along at the desk ]

Brent Musburger: ALRIIIIIGHT!! We’re gonna take a ltitle break right now, but, folks, don’t turn that channel, because we’re comin’ right back, right here, right now — [ pulls his eyelids downward again ] “Liiiive, from New York, it’s Saturday Niight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


April 14th, 1990

Corbin Bernsen

The Smithereens

None

Tom Davis

Tom Schiller

Cheryl Hardwick

Andy Murphy
Cable Shopping NetworkSummary: After being fired from CBS, Brent Musburger (Kevin Nealon) and Jimmy the Greek (Phil Hartman) take jobs hawking cheap merchandise on the Cable Shopping Network.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder, Brent Musburger.

Transcript

Montage

Corbin Bernsen’s MonologueTranscript

TV LawyersRecurring Characters: Susan Dey, Raymond Burr.

Transcript

The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved EasterRecurring Characters: Hanukkah Harry.

Transcript

The Smithereens perform “A Girl Like You”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Grumpy Old Man.

Transcript

George F. Will’s Sports MachineRecurring Characters: George F. Will.

Transcript

Conceited Guy

Movers And Shakers

The Smithereens perform “Blue Before & After”

Playgirl Models

GoodnightsTranscript

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 16






Search Now:

89p: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton

Urban Toonces

Cissy…..Debra Winger
Bud…..Dana Carvey
Bar Patron…..Tom Davis

[ open on Houston, Texas ]

[ fade to interior, Buck ‘N Brew bar ]

Cissy: Hey, Bud, I got an idea!

Bud: Oh, no.. that’s all we need, another one of your ideas, Cissy! I mean, it was your idea to buy this place, here.

Cissy: I know, Bud, but we did pretty good for a couple of months.

Bud: Yeah, but that was, like, you know, ten years ago, you know? What have we got to show for it right now?

Cissy: Well.. you can ride the bull on the fastest speed without any hands blindfolded.. I mean, come on, that’s something.

Bud: I know, but so what, you know? We need some customers here!

Cissy: Well, now that was what I was thinking about. I was thinking, instead of riding the bull, people could use it as some sort of aerobics device, like a StairMaster, or a Nautilus, like a Robo-Bull. What do you think? We could advertise it as a place where you could come and work out and get drunk, or vice-versa, whichever works out.

Bud: I don’t know!

Cissy: Well.. okay, well, don’t look now, but you got yourself a customer.

[ points to Toonces the Driving Cat, sitting at the bar with a little cowboy hat on his little furry head ]

Jingle:
“Toonces, the Driving Cat
The cat who can drive a car.
He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

Announcer: “Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car”. Tonight’s episode: “Urban Toonces”.

Bud: Alright, so what are you having, sir?

[ Toonces licks his paw ]

Cissy: I think that means Tequila.

Bud: Alright, one Tequila coming up.. hey, wait a second here.. I mean, how old are you? You got an I.D., or something..? [ Toonces hands over his I.D., which is suspended ] Alright, let’s see.. Toonces.. height: 12″.. weight: 10 lbs.. hair: tabby. Okay.. birthdate: 2/25/86. Hey. That means he’s only four years old, can I give him a Tequila, here?

Cissy: Well, yeah.. I think in cat years, that’s like 28.. he’s okay. You’re okay!

[ Toonces pours salt on his wrist, swigs Tequila, and bites the lime, nearly gagging himself ]

Bud: Something tells me he’s done that before!

Cissy: You know, you’d better check to see if he has real money, he might try to pay us in dead birds or something..

Bud: Hey, where’d he go?

Cissy: [ looks over ] Oh, no, look! He’s starting to ride the bull! [ shows Toonces bucking on the mechanical bull ] Hey, you know, that pussy can ride!

Bud: Yeah!

Bar Patron: [ enters ] Uh.. yeah.. I-I-I heard you got a bull-riding cat?

Cissy: That’s right!

Bar Patron: Well, give me a beer, I’ve gotta see this!

[ suddenly, a crowd fals into the bar, all come to watch Toonces ride the mechanical bull – beers are quickly served to everyone ]

[ cut to “Later That Night..”, as Toonces drives Bud and Cissy home for the evening ]

Cissy: Do you think we should really let him drive, after drinking that shooter and everything?

Bud: Oh, that was, like, hours ago. Besides, he had a big plates of tacos, and stuff.

Cissy: Yeah. I guess you’re right. [ suddenly panics ] Toonces! Look out!

[ they scream, as Toonces drives over the cliff and crashes ]

Jingle:
“He drives around, all over the town.
Toonces, the Driving Cat.”

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 16



Search Now:

89p: Debra Winger / Eric Clapton

Debra Winger’s Monologue

…..Debra Winger

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Debra Winger!

Debra Winger: Thank you very much! If you had told me a week and a half ago that I’d be standing on this stage tonight, hosting “Saturday Night Live”, I would have said, “Why would I?” But.. as I look back on the amazing coincendences that brought me here, I can see that it was really quite inevitable.

As you all know, Monday night is Oscar night, so of course they wanted someone to host the show who had won an Oscar. Failing that, they wanted someone who had been nominated this year. Failing that, they wanted someone who had been nominated in the last ten years, and would be available.. meaning, someone who had not been invited to participate in the Oscar ceremony itself, either as a presenter or an invited guest. Evidently, only one person fit all these qualifications.. me.. so..

Plus, I was in New York anyway, having no reason to be in L.A. at this time of year. And I was available, having no projects lined up at any time soon. And here’s where the coincedences come in: I’m sitting in a restaurant last Fridy night, and who’s at the table next to me but a group of people from “Saturday Night Live”, talking about how they haven’t got a host for their Oscar show yet. So, if you put it all together – nominated for an Oscar in the last ten years, not invited to the ceremony, in New York, available, no projects, in the right restaurant at the right time.. well.. you can understand why I feel so special tonight. So don’t tell Debra Winger she wasn’t meant to host “Saturday Night Live” tonight.

Anyway.. Eric Clapton is here. See, he was in town, on tour, and he’s got an album coming out. So we’ve got a great show, we’ll be right back, this is the end of the monologue.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 24th, 1990

Debra Winger

Eric Clapton

None

Tom Davis
Reagan & The CensusSummary: Former President Ronald Reagan (Phil Hartman) is unable to answer the not-so-difficult questions posed by the Census taker (Victoria Jackson).

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Montage

Debra Winger’s MonologueSummary: Debra Winger explains the series of coincidences that led to her being asked to host tonight’s pre-Academy Awards episode.

Transcript

Wayne’s WorldRecurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar, Nancy.

Urban TooncesSummary: Toonces the Driving Cat boosts attendance at Bud (Dana Carvey) and Cissy’s (Debra Winger) bar by riding the mechanical bull.

Recurring Characters: Toonces the Cat.

Eric Clapton performs “No Alibis”

Weekend Update with Dennis MillerRecurring Characters: Subliminal Man.

The Adventures Of Calamity Jane

Eric Clapton performs “Pretending”

Jon Lovitz’s Romantic Scene

Senate Record Labelling HearingsRecurring Characters: Mephistopheles.

Eric Clapton performs “Wonderful Tonight”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts