Paul Shaffer: [ solemn and low ] You know, it’s been fun tonight, but sometimes after the fun’s over.. a man stops.. and reflects.
[ singing ]“In 1975 It was the very first year. It was a very good year For bees and “Never Mind”For laughs and getting small And Chevy would fall Something new had arrived Way back in ’75.
In 1978 That was a wild and crazy year. It was the year of the Stones Of movie stars for hosts And Brothers Czech and Blues When Billy did the news Belushi’s chauffeur would drive That’s when that cat was still alive.
Then 1980 came along That was Doumanian’s year. Gets kinda foggy after that Then Eddie Murphy busted through Joe Piscopo sneaked in there, too Then Ebersol cleaned house “You look mahvelous” was the phrase Those were some ten year heady days.
And now the days seem short but, baby, this damn show’s still here. We got a gang of fresh, young talented kids I don’t quite know their names But that Liar guy’s a hoot And one of those chicks is kinda cute We’ve launched some fine careers It was a mess of good years.”
…..Paul Shaffer …..Dana Carvey …..Nora Dunn …..Jon Lovitz
[ open on Paul Shaffer talking on the phone in his dressing room ]
Paul Shaffer: I know, David. I understand. What are you gonna do? I know. Listen, alright, I know. So granted, it’s not the hippest atmosphere I’ve ever worked in, Dave, but you know, it’s not our show, but it’s on earlier so they don’t really have to be as hip. No, I know, they know. [ a knock at the door ] Look, Dave, they probably want me now. I’d better get going. Thanks a lot for calling, that’s great. Thank you, Dave. See you later. [ hangs up ] Come on in. [ Dana Carvey, Nora Dunn and Jon Lovitz enter, dressed as babies ] Hi, you guys!
Dana, Nora, Jon: Hi.
Paul Shaffer: What’s going on, you guys?
Dana Carvey: Well, Paul, what’s this we heard about you taking yourself out of the Sand Box sketch?
Nora Dunn: Yeah.
Paul Shaffer: Yeah, I did. It just wasn’t right for me, the sketch, you know. It’s great for you guys..
Jon Lovitz: Oh? Because you thought it was square?
Paul Shaffer: Oh, no, no, no..
Nora Dunn: Are you sure?
Paul Shaffer: No, no. Hipness was never the issue on this, really..
Dana Carvey: Come on, Paul, come on, you can level with us. Now, everyone knows you’re the hippest man in show business. And it’s been a long time since this show was considered hip.
Nora Dunn: Yeah, we really appreciate your hanging around this week. I know, compared to what you’re used to, it’s probably pretty boring.
Paul Shaffer: Hold on, you guys, don’t put yourselves down. You know, maybe this show isn’t what I’m used to. But it has a simplicity, it’s got a sincereity, it’s got a sense of innonence that I wouldn’t trade for all the hipness in the world!
Dana, Nora, Jon: Really?
Paul Shaffer: Yeah! Hipness isn’t for everybody. You guys have a different audience than we do.
Dana Carvey: That’s true.
Paul Shaffer: Sure, look at the demographics. The median age of your viewer is, what, about 51 years?
Dana Carvey: It’s more like 48, Paul.
Paul Shaffer: Well, whatever. Alright.. [ props up chart ] The average age of a “Late Night” viewer is, as you can see, is about half that. And they’re educated, too. Now, look here – the “Late Night” viewer is much more likely to open a restaurant in the next three years. Whereas, the “Saturday Night Live” viewer is more likely to have an operation. So, it’s not a very hip audience, and they’re not expecting a very hip show.
Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, that’s great! Thanks.
Paul Shaffer: Let me tell you something about this whole “hip” thing. You know, being at the cutting edge, being hip, is not all fun and games. You know, if I had to do it all overagain, you know what I would be?
Jon Lovitz: As square as we are, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Uh, well.. let’s just say that I would be squarer than I am now.
Dana, Nora, Jon: Oh, wow!
Paul Shaffer: See? Can you breathe again?
Dana Carvey: Paul, while we’ve got you here, let me ask you – what do you think the next hip phrase is gonna be?
Paul Shaffer: It’ll never change, babe. It’s still “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
The Pat Stevens Show Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens, Charlton Heston. Pat (Nora Dunn) talks hairpieces with Shaffer and Charlton Heston (Phil Hartman).
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller Clips from the Ferdinand Marcos workout video. Kevin Nealon struggles for message behind post-Super Bowl depression editorial.
The Sweeney Sisters Recurring Characters: Chinge Change, Candy Sweeney, Liz Sweeney. The Sweeney Sisters (Nora Dunn, Jan Hooks) perform a Far East medley.
David Sees “Radio Days” Recurring Characters: David. Obsessed David (Jon Lovitz) trades girlfriend (Victoria Jackson) for tickets.
Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “Mandolin Rain”
Asociacion Mexicana Del Rinon Sell your kidneys for profit.
Dan: You know, Leslie, I could talk to you for days.
Dan’s Thoughts: Gee, I’d like to jump her bones.
Leslie: Same here. You know, I haven’t even noticed the time?
Leslie’s Thoughts: Gee, I wish he’d jump my bones.
Dan: [ checking his watch ] Whoa! I didn’t realize how late it was. You know, you’re welcome to spend the night here. In the living room.
Dan’s Thoughts: If she says yes, I’m home-free!
Leslie: Gee, you know.. I really shouldn’t..
Leslie’s Thoughts: I don’t want to seem too trampy.
Dan: Well.. suit yourself.
Leslie: Okay, I will! [ laughs ]
[ the sound of a car pulling up can be heard outside ]
Dan: Oh, great. That’s my roommate, Stu.
Dan’s Thoughts: Dammit! What a time for him to show up!
Leslie: Terrific! I’d love to meet him!
Leslie’s Thoughts: Oh, no.. he’s going to ruin everything.
Dan: I think you’ll relaly like Stu. He’s absolutely the most sincere, genuine straightforward person you’ll ever want to meet. A real honest guy.
Dan’s Thoughts: What a jerk he is!
Leslie: He sounds really nice.
Leslie’s Thoughts: God, he sounds boring!
Dan: Oh, here he is. Hey, Stu, come on in!
Stu: [ surprised there’s company ] Oh! I hope I’m not disturbing you.
Stu’s Thoughts: I hope I’m not disturbing them.
Dan: Not at all.
Dan’s Thoughts: God, he’s going to scare her away.
Dan: Uh, Stu, this is Leslie. Leslie, Stu.
Stu: [ shaking her hand ] Hi. I’m very glad to meet you.
Stu’s Thoughts: I’m very glad to meet her.
Leslie: Well, it’s nice to meet you.
Leslie’s Thoughts: God, this guy’s a stiff!
Dan: Leslie was gonna sleep in the living room. Unless thats a problem for you? In which case, she could sleep in my room, and I could sleep on the floor.
Dan’s Thoughts: Come on, you idiot! Help me out!
Leslie: You know, maybe it would be better if I stayed in Dan’s room, because we don’t want to inconvenience you.
Stu: Hey, it’s fine with me if you stay in the living room. It won’t bother me at all.
Stu’s Thoughts: It’s fine with me if she stays in the living room. It doesn’t bother me at all.
Dan: Thanks a lot, Stu.
Dan’s Thoughts: Yeah, thanks a lot, jerk!
Leslie: You know, you are so sweet.
Leslie’s Thoughts: Boy, is this guy lame!
Dan: Well, listen, Stu, I think Leslie and I are gonna stay up a while and talk, so I guess we’ll.. uh.. see you tomorrow.
Stu: Great! See you tomorrow!
Stu’s Thoughts: Great! I’ll see them tomorrow!
[ Stu heads upstairs ]
Leslie: Uh.. listen, we’ll talk quietly, so as not to disturb you, okay?
Stu: Oh, you won’t disturb me. I’ll be in my room masturbating.
Stu’s Thoughts: They won’t disturb me. I’ll be masturbating.
Announcer: And now, another “Super Bowl Gambling Memory”.
Narrator: “Super Bowl X. Miami. With the Pittsburgh Steelers leading the Dallas Cowboys, 21 to 10, Dallas Quarterback Roger Staubach fires a 34-yard touchdown pass to Percy Howard in the waning moments of the fourth quarter, making the final score: Pittsburgh 21, Dallas 17. The Cowboys, 6-point underdogs, have beaten the spread.”
Announcer: This has been a “Super Bowl Gambling Memory”!
Candy Sweeney…..Jan Hooks Bill….Kevin Nealon Roger…..William Shatner Liz Sweeeny…..Nora Dunn Phil…..Phil Hartman Whitney…..A. Whitney Brown
[ open on interior, Sweeney Sisters Christmas party ]
Candy Sweeney: [ passing out hors-douvres to one of her guests ] Okay, now. These are the cheese whizzies, the beef puffs and potato poofs. Take your pick.
Bill: Wow! You sure know how to throw a wing-ding, Candy!
Candy Sweeney: Well, I don’t know about the ding, but how about a wing! [ laughs ]
[ doorbell rings, Liz enters with her boyfriend Roger ]
Roger: Ho ho ho, everybody!
Candy Sweeney: [ to Liz ] Hey, you! How are you doing?
Liz Sweeney: Okay, how are you? Sorry we’re a little late.
Roger: Attencion, please. I’m gonna step out of character for once, and open my big, big mouth.
Bill: Yeah, right, Rog!
Roger: Thanks, Bill! Anyhoo. When I was singing a few years ago, at the, uh..
Liz Sweeney: Coconut Club.
Roger: Cocnut Club – thanks, honey. Just a year ago, actually., Well, Liz walked in while I was singing “Born Free”, and guess what? I forgot the lyrics right then. I still can’t remember them!
Liz Sweeney: Oh, come on! What Roger’s trying to say is that we got engaged tonight!
Candy Sweeney: [ excited ] That’s great! Welcome to the family!
Phil: Yeah, congrats, you two!
Whitney: Hey, how about a medley?
Phil: Why don’t you sing that number, that Christmas number you sang at the Blarney Stone?
Candy Sweeney: Twist my arm! Twist my arm! [ her arm is twisted ] Ow! [ laughs ]
[ Sweeney Sisters take off their wraps and stand in front of the room with their microphones ]
Liz Sweeney: Oh, well, this is just so sweet of all of you.
Candy Sweeney: Yes.
Liz Sweeney: You know, when we think of Christmas, we think of one thing.
Candy Sweeney: Yeah, maybe you do, too.
Together: Bells!
[ singing ] “Bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong, bing-bong! Jingle-jingle-jing! Just hear those sleigh bells ringing, and jing-jingling, too! Come on, it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. And you, and you, and you! Outside, the snow is falling, and friends are calling yoo-hoo!”
Crowd: Yoo-hoo!! Yoo-hoo!!
Candy Sweeney: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! Who’s on stage here? [ laughs ] Seriously, I’m gonna get serious for a minute here and say that my sister/bride-to-be has found her fella. For that, I’m very happy, although it’s not gonna be too easy being the Lone Ranger out there on the range by myself. But, you know.. it may sound corny, but.. there’s a word in this business, people. And that word is “support”. And this gal has given me nothing but, from the get-go, and I mean that, I do.
Liz Sweeney: Well, I’ll tell you one gift she’s not getting for Christmas – the gift of gab. You’ve got that already!
Candy Sweeney: [ laughs ] Guilty! [ laughs ]
Together: [ singing ] “Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet Jingle around the clock!”
Candy Sweeney: Yeah!
Together: “A mix and a mingle and a jingling beat That’s the jingle bell.”
Candy Sweeney: “That’s the jingle bell.”
Liz Sweeney: “That’s the jingle bell rock.”
Candy Sweeney: [ singing ]“Bells. On bobtail ring Making spirits bright.”
[ to the crowd ] How you doing tonight? Good.
“What fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight.”
Liz Sweeney: [ singing ] “Sleigh bells ring – come with me! Are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening.”
Together: “A beautiful sight We’re happy tonight Walking in a winter wonderland!”
Candy Sweeney: Take it down, Liz!
Liz Sweeney: [ to Roger ]“Silver Bells, Silver Bells.”
Together: “It’s Christmastime in the city.”
Liz Sweeney: “Hear them ring.”
Candy Sweeney: “Hear them ring.”
Liz Sweeney: “Ding-a-ling.”
Candy Sweeney: Who you calling a ding-a-ling?
Liz Sweeney: You!
Candy Sweeney: [ laughs ]
Liz Sweeney: “Soon it will be Christmas..”
Together: “Clang-clang-clang went the trolley!Ding-ding-ding went the bells!
Liz Sweeney: Bell?
Candy Sweeney: Ding?
Liz Sweeney: Dong!
Candy Sweeney: Ring!
Liz Sweeney: Clang!
Candy Sweeney: [ singing ] “Hark to the bells Here come the bells There go the bells So many bells.
Hark to the bells Here come the bells There go the bells So many bells.”
Captain Kirk…..William Shatner Mister Spock…..Kevin Nealon Doctor “Bones” McCoy…..Phil Hartman Mister Sulu…..Akira Yoshimura Khan and the Voice of Scottie…..Dana Carvey The Health Inspector…..Jon Lovitz Cranky Customer…..Nora Dunn Crewwoman/Waitress…..Victoria Jackson
[Scene opens on the exterior of the ship, which is revolving on a pole. At the top of the pole is a sign that reads “Restaurant Enterprise. Today: Bluefish Special”.
Voiceover by Kirk: It has been six months since the Enterprise has been sold to Marriott Corporation as a revolving theme restaurant. It has been difficult for my crew but they have adjusted admirably.
[Kirk enters a futuristic-looking restaurant looking out over space. Walks over to Spock and McCoy.]
Kirk: Gentlemen, what’s going on? I left specific instructions that the special today was to be flounder.
Spock: Captain, we ran out of the flouder two hours ago.
Kirk: Then what have you been serving?
Spock: Bluefish.
Kirk: Bluefish?
Spock: [Pause.] Humpback whale, Captain.
[Half the audience laughs, the other half groans. Star Trek IV, the movie where they saved the whales, had just opened.]
McCoy: It’s good fish Jim, really.
Crewwoman/Waitress: Captain, we’re having a problem with one of the customers over here. She’s complaining about her order.
Kirk: Don’t worry. I’ll care of it.
[Theme music for imminent danger starts playing.]
McCoy: JIM! BE CAREFUL!
[Kirk walks cautiously over to the Cranky Customer.]
Kirk: Good evening madam. I am the manager of this establishment. How can I help you?
Cranky Customer: I thought we were supposed to get fries with this.
Kirk: No ma’am, that’s a Klingon. You want a Romulan.
Cranky Customer: Well, you must have changed the name.
Crewwoman/Waitress: We didn’t change the name, ma’am…
Kirk: I’ll take care this for you. [Flips open his communicator.] Romulan with fries and…what would you like to drink, madam?
Cranky Customer: A Chocolate Scottie.
Kirk: And a ChocScot.
[Tray with the order materializes nearby. Kirk gives it to the woman and then walks back to the others.]
McCoy: [Dramatically.] That was a close one, Jim!
[Kirk walks around the dining area asking customers how they’re doing. One man starts to answer, but begins choking on his food.]
Kirk: McCoy! This man needs your assistance!
McCoy: For God’s sake, I’m a doctor, not a…oh…right…sorry. [Rushes over and tries giving him the Heimlich Manoeuver, but it doesn’t seem to be working.]
Spock: Allow me, doctor. [Gives the Vulcan nerve pinch to the customer, who proceeds to spit out the piece of food.]
[Audience cheers.]
[Another customer flags Kirk down and points to her sandwich.]
Kirk: Bones, can you take a look at this?
McCoy: [Whirring sound and he waves his medical device over the sandwich.] Jim! This sandwich is completely dry!
Kirk: [Aghast.] What happened to the Special Sauce? [Looks around.] Mister Sulu!
Sulu: Captain! It’s the condiments bar. There’s a problem with the Special Sauce. The dispenser is jammed. It will take days to repair.
Kirk: [Appears deep in thought for a moment.] Okay…here’s what I want you to do. Mix a little mustard together with a little relish.
Sulu: [Starts pumping the dispensers.] It’s working Captain!
Kirk: Keep at it, Mister Sulu…I want full relish!
[Suddenly realizes that Sulu is not as thin as he used to be. Pats his gut.]
Kirk: Mister Sulu, we’ve put on a bit of weight, haven’t we?
Sulu: [Hanging his head shamefully.] Yes, Captain.
Kirk: Don’t make me regret my policy of free food for the crew.
[A crashing sound is heard. Everyone fakes falling by leaning from side to side and then running back and forth across the stage.]
Kirk: [Flipping open his communicator.] Scottie, why have we stopped revolving?
Scottie: [Voice from offstage.] I doan’t knooow Cap’n, but she canna take much moooorrrrrrr…
Spock: Captain, my tricorder indicates that someone is coming this way.
[Door slides open and a figure strides through to face the captain.]
Khan: Kiiiirrrrrkkkkk. I have waited for my revenge for twenty-five yeeeeaaaarrrsss.
[Audience starts laughing hysterically at Carvey, who is dressed exactly like Khan in Star Trek II.]
Kirk: Khan!
Khan: Yes, Kirk. It is I, your greatest foe and I will…Sulu? [Walks over to him.] Sulu! Oh my god, what have they done to you? [Eyes Sulu’s large gut.]
Sulu: [Shrugs.] We all get older, Khan.
Khan: I cannot bear to look at you. Turn away from me! [Spins Sulu around so he’s no longer facing him.]
Kirk: Khan…stop it! You board my ship, you insult my crew. What is it you really want?
Khan: Ahhhhh, very well Kiiiiiirrrkkkk. I shall get to the heart of the matter.
[Khan snaps his fingers and a man with a clipboard comes through the door to stand at his side.]
Khan: This is the health inspector. Your establishment has many infractions. You have dirty silverware stored next to clean. No sneeeeezzzeeeguard on the saaaaalllaaad baaaaarr.
[Kirk, Spock and McCoy huddle together, talking in low tones.]
McCoy: He’s got us, Jim.
Kirk: Maybe, maybe not. Bones, Spock…do you have any money?
McCoy: A few dollars, Jim, but why?
Kirk: Just give it to me.
[The two men hand him their cash. Kirk strides over to the health inspector.]
Kirk: I appreciate you bringing these problems to my attention. We’ll be taking care of them right away. [Shakes the inspector’s hand, passing him the cash.]
Health Inspector: [Glancing at the cash.] Well, seeing as this is your first offense and that you’re willing to rectify the situation, I don’t see why we can’t just let this one go.
Khan: Oooooohhhhhh Kirk! You may have won this time, but I will be back. And next time…you…will…be…cited! Inspector…come!
[Khan and the health inspector exit.]
[A brief exterior and theme music, and then back to an interior shot.]
Spock: Captain, it seems quite illogical that Khan was betrayed by the very health inspector he recruited to defeat you.
Kirk: Never underestimate the power of human greed, Spock.
McCoy: What he means, Spock, is that sometimes your vaunted Vulcan logic fails you.
Spock: Doctor…would you kindly do me the honor of eating my shorts?!
McCoy: Wha-wha-wha-whhhhaaaaaatttt!?
Kirk: Mister Spock, I believe you’re getting more human all the time.
William Shatner: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you!Hey! First of all, I want to say it’s quite a thrill to be hosting theshow tonight, it’s a nice way to cap off a great year for me! Yeah! “Star Trek IV” has turned out to be a huge hit…. [ applause ] Yuh! And I can only hope that “T.J. Hooker IV” does half as well!
Actually, I’m very proud of our new movie because… uh… y’know… inmaking a film about the threatened extinction of the whales, we were trying to make an important… an important statement. And that is, a sequel can be just as successful as its original. [ flat joke, subdued applause ]
You know, it still amazes me that the uh… the influence the series has. It’s now been shown in over a hundred countries and of course each country translates it to fit their own culture. For example, in Japan, I understand it’s called, “Sulu, Master of Navigation.” [ polite titters of laughter] So it’s truly worldwide.
And one of the most interesting aspects of the “Star Trek” phenomenon has to be the conventions… with all the Trekkies and Trekkettes and the Trek-kores and… I mean they’re truly incredible, and I hope they have a sense of humor about this show tonight or… I’m in deep trouble! Anyway, I thought you might like to see what one of these conventions… MIGHT be like….
[ open on Lieutenant Oliver North surrounded by seven other Marines in front of a huge American flag ]
[ bouncing ball outlines the lyrics as they are sung, to the tune of “Ballad of the Green Berets” by Sgt. Barry Sadler ]
Marine Hymn: “Fighting soldier in Vietnam The perfect son to any mom. He’s one part man One part machine. He’s Ollie Morth the Mute Marine.
Mined the harbor of Managua. Planned the invasion of Grenada. But soon cruel fate would intervene. And he’d become the Mute Marine.
He traded arms with Iran For hostages What a great plan! The chances for success were zero. And yet he’s still a national hero.
Two Swiss accounts were in his name. Diverted funds but who’s to blame? The time had come to tell his tale. Here’s what he said T’stay out of jail:”
Oliver North: [ repeatedly opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out ]
Marine Hymn: “He’d like to talk but connot speak. his will is strong his case is weak. We may never know just what he’s seen. The man they call the Mute Marine.”
[ Oliver North and the seven Marines hold their hands to their heads for a salute ]
Oliver North: “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!”
Air Date:
Bruce Hornsby & The Range, “The Way It Is”
Deborah Harry, “In Love With Love”
