Announcer: The fastest. The tallest. The hottest. The furthest. Now, all in one book – “Ted’s Book of World Records”.
Ted: Hi, I’m Ted McGinty, and I spent the last fifteen years compiling my book of world records. And the results are astounding.
Announcer: The fastest recorded 100-yard dash.
Ted: 22 seconds flat.
Announcer: The longest bath.
Ted: 31 minutes.
Announcer: Most eggs ever eaten in one sitting.
Ted: Two. I’m not much on breakfast.
Announcer: Greatest height ever attained.
Ted: 5-foot-ten and a quarter.
Announcer: Yes, now you can explore the entire range of human diversity. From Ted’s tallest boss, to his youngest niece. Most rattlesnakes ever milked.
Ted: None!
Announcer: World-Land Speed Record.
Ted: Well, the cop claimed I was doing 80.
Announcer: Witness the bizarre, the inexplicable, the uncanny. Including the only known instance of a woman giving birth.. to Ted! You’ll find out the distance between Ted and each known planet.
Ted: Yes, it’s a fascinating world around me. Won’t you join me as we explore it together?
Announcer: And, if you act now, you’ll get “Ted’s Book of Lists”. Including: Four People Who Owe Ted Money, Eight Famous Historical Figures Whose Name Ted Can’t Pronounce, and the guest list for Ted’s fantasy dinner party..
Ted: Farrah Fawcett, Susan Anton, me, Leonard Nimoy..
Announcer: Ted’s Book of World Records. On sale in bookstores everywhere. Order now, and make some Ted history of your own.
Ted: Greatest Yearly Income, $3,800. Please, help me out, I’m desperate..
Announcer: America’s distant early warning system. Created by Norad, it can detect and destroy enemy invaders long before they invade our airspace. And now, you can get the same high-technology protection.. in a contraceptive.
Woman: It’s new SAC – the Strategic Airborne Contraceptive. Designed by a team of eminent NORAD gynecologists, SAC uses a new heat-seeking process to destroy invaders before they violate your personal airspace. Here’s how it works.
Announcer: As soon as your SAC early-distant warning system detects potential foreign intruders.. [ lights go out, as the SAC lights up in the Woman’s crotch, sounding sirens ] i assesses the threat.. [ “INTRUDER ALERT, sperm count: 217,389,568,912.3, velocity: 375 I.P.S., viscosity: HIGH, *INCOMING*” ] ..pinpoints the enemy.. [ sperm show up on the radar screen ] ..locks on target, and destroys them with millions of microscopic surface-to-air missiles. [ sperm disappear from the radar ] In just seconds, you’ve completely closed your window of vulnerability.
Man: So, do you want to hit the sack?
Woman: [ holds up SAC behind his back ] I already did!
Announcer: New SAC – the Strategic Airborne Contraceptive. Also in new heavy-duty ICUD model. From Norad.
Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson George Carlin.
George Carlin: Thank you, Don Pardo.
Our top story tonight: The crew of the NASA space shuttle Discovery spent their fourth day in orbit posing for television pictures and waving at relatives. However they got a great view of the Earth. As they flew over North America, they learned the results of Tuesday’s election. [ shows view of the North America from space drawn like a map of the United States and Canada, with Minnesota is highlighted in red ] Kinda makes you feel humble, doesn’t it?
George Carlin: And now, a Saturday Night News commentary.
Pamela Stephenson: Hi, I’m Pamela Stephenson, and I’m new on the show. Um.. I came from England to do “Saturday Night Live”, in fact. Now, I love America. Please don’t get me wrong, but.. well, I have noticed that American men have a fondness.. well, let’s be absolutely frank, okay? They have an absolute obsession about women’s breasts. They seem to have a lot of trouble maintaining eye contact with me, and I find it a little disconcerting. So what I thought I’d do is introduce you to my breasts. You know, just sort of point out their various features and invite you men to stare at them for a while, and.. just get that right out of the way so you can start treating me like an intelligent person. [ takes off her jacket, revealing her breasts are large and the nipples are sticking out ] Okay, so um.. here they are. I admit they’re just a little bit larger than average. I can balance a couple of tubs of Haagen-Daas on them, that’s a clear advantage, but.. um.. [ camera zooms in on her breasts, as she points to the right one ] This is the right one, and.. [ points to the left one ] ..this is the left one.. [ points to her nipples ] ..and of course, they both have.. uh.. well, since I’m on American television, I guess I’d better say they are the customary bumpy things on the end. So, you know what I’m talking about. So, that’s all there is. You can look up now. [ snaps fingers at cameraman, signaling for him to pan up to her face ] Hi? Hello? Fine, um.. I trust I’ve kinda de-mistifiedthe situation now so you can see me as just what I am – a normal, real person, and I hope, a pal. Okay.. [ she doesn’t notice her left breast move slowly up and down ] ..now another observation I’ve made about American men is their uncomfortable behavior when they walk small dogs. Sometimes, the size of the dogs to them indicates something about their individual.. [ notices her left breast is up – it quickly moves down ] ..virility. Most men would rather be seen walking a massive cow than a dog. In fact.. [ leftbreast keeps moving up and down, Pamela holds in down ] ..most men who take a small dog for a walk only do so after dark.. [ breasts pull her around in circles, screaming, as she is thrown over the desk ]
George Carlin: [ calling to Pamela ] Thanks! Thanks a lot, Pam! I’ll see you later, huh? Maybe we’ll go out for a milkshake!
Well, the race for the 1988 Democratic nominations started last Wednesday, the day after the election. Possibilities include: New York governor Mario Cuomo, who says that as ridiculous as it sounds, an Italian male can run for national office; Colorado senator Gary Hart, who may be hard to beat, unless of course, you’re Walter Mondale; and the perennial possibility, Senator Ted Kennedy, but Teddy says he has as much intention of running as he has of driving his car off a bridge. The Republican possibilities are really interesting: Senator Howard Baker, Senator Robert Dole, Representative Jack Kemp, and Vice President George “Kick a little” Bush. Not a lot of charisma here.
But warming up in the coliseum bullpen, old Ben Hur himself, Charlton Heston,who plans to start out by running for the senate in 1986. Political consultantssay Heston is the perfect replacement for Ronald Reagan. He’s from California,he’s an aging actor, and he too worked with monkeys in The Planet of the Apes.That’s not all. Charlton Heston was Moses, remember? He led his people out ofEgypt, parted the waters of the Red Sea, recieved the Ten Commandments, anddelivered his sermon on the mountain. And his slogan is, “Let’s win one forthe altar cocker.” But don’t forget a lot depends on who he picks for vicepresident. Right now it’s a toss-up between Robert Cummings and Buddy Ebsen.Right now I’m willing to just wait and see.
George Carlin: Controversy his risen regarding the distribution oftax dollars toward medical research, specifically which programs recievedthe aid and which programs are virtually ignored. Here to comment on this isSaturday Night News corresponder Gary Kroger.
Gary Kroeger: [ Painfully ] Thank you, George. I would like to callattention to a disease called “spot bleeding”. Now that is when your cheststarts to bleed in five or six different places, and the pain is unbearable.And yet nothing is being done about this. I am uniquely concerned because..[ pulls off jacket, revealing his shirt has several small blood stains ] ..Iam a spot bleeder. [ writhes in pain ] Millions of dollars are spent oncancer research and related projects which is fine, but no one in the medicalcommunity is doing anything about spot bleeding! There are no researchfoundations, nothing in medical journals, and I demand an explaination!
George Carlin: Gary, can I ask you something?
Gary Kroeger: Yeah.
George Carlin: Is that a brand new shirt?
Gary Kroeger: Yeah, why?
George Carlin: You have to take the pins out of it before you put iton.
Gary Kroeger: [ Realizing he didn’t take out the pins ] Oh.
George Carlin: The straight pins. You have to take them out first.
Gary Kroeger: [ embarassed, removes shirt pins where the blood stainsare ] This is rather embarassing..
George Carlin: You’re a moron, Kroeger. Back to the news.
This morning, officials at the state department and the Pentagon are denyingrumors that the United States is planning to invade Nicaragua. PresidentReagan could not be reached for comment; he’s holed up in his ranch in SantaBarbara trying to memorize his lines for his next term of office.
George Carlin: And now, to tell us what’s happenning in the world ofsports, here is the inimitable Lew Goldman.
Someone in the Audience: Lew! Lew!
Lew Goldman: Shut up, you idiots! Where are you, at Yankee Stadium?Huh? [clears throat ] Put a jacket on! And now, here is the sports reportjust for my family:
For my sister Rose in Miami, the Dolphins are playing the Eagles, and youshouldn’t worry, Rose. Miami will win again. Thay keep winning becausethey’re afraid to get the old people upset. [ clears throat ] My prediction:[ prediction appears on screen ] Philadelphia, you should live so long!
For my son Lester, an orthodontist who lives in Washington, and makes moremoney than God, but can’t go to the Redskins game this weekend because hehas a virus, which is not surprising, because orthodontists spend half theirlife with their face in somebody’s mouth, my prediction: [ prediction appearson screen ] Detroit, I’m nauseous from you already!
[ clears throat ] And for my other son, Stanley, the bigshot, who moved toKansas City.. [ points at his head, indicating craziness ] ..where his in-lawshave him wrapped around their pinkies, my prediction: [ prediction appears onscreen ] Stanley will not come home for Thanksgiving.
And finally, here in New York, the Giants are playing Tampa Bay. Myprediction: [ prediction appears on screen as “Who cares? What’s soimportant?” ] Who cares? They moved to New Jersey! What the hell am I, tenyears old? I got to go to a game? [ clears throat ] Enough of this sportsstuff! I hate it!
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, GeorgeCarlin!
[Cheers and applause. George Carlin emerges from theaudience and heads to Home Base. But it’s a videotapeof Carlin’s entrance from the very first episode ofSaturday Night Live in 1975: he wears long hair, abeard and mustache, a T-shirt under a dark suit. Aftera moment, we dissolve to Carlin, live in 1984,standing at Home Base: his hair, beard and mustacheare neatly trimmed – he wears eyeglasses, a casualblue shirt and dark slacks. Cheers and applausecontinue.]
George Carlin: All right, all right, all right.Thank you. Hey. Come on, now. [crowd finally quiets]Let me ask you something. Who was that guy on thetape? … Does anybody know who that was? He sure hada lot o’ hair, I’ll tell ya that. … Yeah, I hosted,uh, the very first Saturday Night Live — nine yearsago — and they told me if I did a real good job,they’d have me back. … So here I am and I’m reallyglad that some people live up to their word.
On that first show, I did a monologue about God. Andbefore the show was over, by one in the morning, uh,we had the Archbishop of New York, Cardinal Cooke, onthe phone, complaining about the monologue. Seems hedidn’t think that God was a suitable subject for amonologue. Okay in a sermon but – NOT in a monologue…. And I didn’t really say anything THAT wrong — Ifelt. I mean, all I said was, it was my feeling thatif – if you look at it real carefully, that maybe -maybe – God isn’t perfect. You know? Just maybe He’snot perfect. I mean, if He created us in His own imageand likeness, how perfect could He be, you know? … Imean, uh, if God created everything, I’d say He has aserious quality control problem. …
And I think it shows up in His work. I mean, if youtake a look at a mountain range — they’re allcrooked, they’re not nicely up in a line … they’reall different sizes, you know. Leaves, the same thing.You can’t find two leaves the same. Even fingerprints.He can’t make two fingerprints the same! He’s got fourand a half billion people to work with — He can’tmake two of ’em the same. …
Now, the reason I’m repeating these things is ’cause Ithought maybe now that I’m back, maybe we could getthe Archbishop on the phone again tonight. … Now,it’s not the same man. Now, it’s, uh, ArchbishopO’Connor. And I’m not sure about his viewing habits. Idon’t know how late he stays up at night. Probably,he’s working on some really tough, serious governmentproblem at this time. … You know? Well, these days,clergyman have to devote so much time to politics thatthey really don’t have any time to think … much less- much less watch TV. [cheers and applause]
But who knows? Now, that the election is over, maybehe’s sittin’ over there with Jerry Falwell, splittin’a pizza … readin’ the Constitution and flippin’ thedial … and, uh, maybe they’ll give us a call. I toldthem in the control room — if we got a call fromArchbishop O’Connor — please, take a number and I’llget back to him, okay? …
And, hey, speaking – speaking of Jerry Falwell, thishas been a strange year. 1984? We started with Orwelland wound up with Falwell? … Huh? I’m not reallysure how this church and state separation stuff isgonna work out. Ah, personally, I’m in favor of theseparation of church and state. My feeling is thateither one of these institutions screws you up badenough on its own. … You put them together and yougot certain death. …
So, uh, I would like to begin the show with a prayertonight, if you don’t mind. … Uh, this is a littleprayer dedicated to the separation of church andstate. And I guess if they’re gonna force those kidsto pray in school, they might as well have a niceprayer like this:
Our Father who art in Heaven And to the Republic for which it stands … Thy kingdom come, One nation, indivisible As it is in Heaven … Give us this day As we forgive those Who so proudly we hail … Crown Thy good Into temptation … But deliver us from The twilight. Amen …
[Cheers and applause]
Okay. We’ll be right back.
[Even louder cheers and applause as we pull back anddissolve to a wider shot that includes the crowdbefore fading out.]
[ Walter Mondale sits behind a desk, shaving himself with an electric razor ]
Walter Mondale: Ouch! [ turns off razor ] Does this happen to you? In my line of work, I often have to shave on the run, and conventional electrics can grind and cut your face. And no one wants to lose an election by a whisker! [ laughs ] And that is why I use Dorelco’s new cordless rotary-free. [ demonstrates ] Ahh.. a clean, close, and comfortable shave.. [ stops ]
Gary Kroeger: [ breaks character, starts peeling off the fake Walter Mondale nose ] What am I doing? I’m, uh.. I’m Gary Kroeger. And I spent the summer working up a Walter Mondale impression. Good thinking, Kroeger! You know, I figured I’d have an impression that I could do at least four years. Thanks a lot, Walter! Mr. 13 Electoral Votes!
I only had a chance to do him once on the show, just once, in a sketch last week.. some of you might have seen it. [ holds up a still picture from the sketch, pointing to a blackened Minnesota ] Isn’t that something? It’s funny how life imitates art. The sketch died, too. Now, before I hang up the nose and the hair and take off the bags, I’d like you to indulge me for a moment.. [ puts the fake nose back on ] I’d like to do Walter Mondale for the very last time on this show.
Walter Mondale: “Live, from New York, a state I thought I carried, it’s Saturday Night!”
Joe Franklin … Billy Crystal Senor Cosa/Ricardo the Dummy … Christopher Guest Dan Halloran … George Carlin Jackie Rogers, Jr. (and Sr.) … Martin Short
[Music: an uptempo piano version of “Twelfth StreetRag.” A succession of black and white photos of oldmovie stars: W. C. Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface),Eddie Cantor, Mae West, the Marx Brothers (in “GoWest”), Spencer Tracy, Buster Keaton (in “TheNavigator”), Humphrey Bogart (in “The African Queen”),Laurel and Hardy (in “You’re Darn Tootin'”). Finally,we dissolve to the darkened, book-lined set of JoeFranklin’s talk show. The lights come up and wedissolve to legendary talk show host Joe Franklin,seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaidsuit.]
Joe Franklin: A gracious hello, my friends. Andwelcome to “The Joe Franklin Show,” my friends.Brought to you by Martin Paints. Beverages by Hoffman– lively carbonation. Matzohs by Streit’s — for theunleavened experience of a lifetime. Today, myfriends, a distinguished, medal-winning panel, myfriends. On the far end, Jackie Rogers, Jr. — a greatalbino performer. [cross-eyed, rubber-faced Jackie isa long-haired albino in a gold lame top and purpletights] New York City fireman extraordinaire DanHalloran, my friends. [Dan is shy and nervous workingclass guy in a neatly pressed fireman’s dress uniform]And my immediate guest — a great, great ventriloquist– Senor Cosa. [Senor Cosa sits with his dummy,Ricardo, in his lap – they wear matching mustaches andpowder blue tuxedoes. Ricardo’s eyes flick back andforth violently as Senor Cosa sits calmly.]
Ricardo the Dummy: [corrects Joe’spronunciation with a falsetto singsong]Cos-ha!
Senor Cosa: [laughs, elegant Spanish accent] Heuses the Castilian pronunciation, Joe. He uses the “h”sound.
Joe Franklin: Ah! I see. Senor Cosa–
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: Uh, sorry, Ricardo.
Ricardo the Dummy: Te nada.
Senor Cosa: He says, “No problem,” Joe.
[Joe and Cosa share a laugh.]
Joe Franklin: New York City fireman DanHalloran, have you ever seen a ventriloquistbefore?
Dan Halloran: Uhhhh–
Joe Franklin: You have any of this kind ofstuff in the firehouse?
Dan Halloran: Oh, not that I know of.
Joe Franklin: Uh huh?
Dan Halloran: Maybe on one o’ the other shiftsor somethin’, you know. But these – these guys aregreat, aren’t they?
Joe Franklin: Yeah.
Ricardo the Dummy: Gracias.
Dan Halloran: Yeah. I don’t know which one towatch. It’s weird. It’s really weird.
Joe Franklin: It IS weird — like JackieRogers, Jr., my friends, one of the great performers.Jackie, you remind me so much of your father, the lateJackie Rogers, Sr.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, we ARErelated.
[Joe and Jackie share a laugh. Dan looks at Jackie asif the latter had just landed from Mars.]
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: But, really, though, Joe,there are many similarities between my dad and I –although I seem a little more obsessed with chasingthe long-legged ladies.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm. Mm. Dan? Dan, have youever seen an albino performer before?
Dan Halloran: Not that I know of, Joe.
Joe Franklin: Mm hm.
Dan Halloran: Tell ya the truth, it kind o’throws me a little bit.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Dan Halloran: I would have to say that thiswould be my first albino.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm. Speaking of “firsts,”tell us about your new show, Senor Cosa.
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: Cosa.
Senor Cosa: Joe, we are doing a very excitingshow at the–
Ricardo the Dummy: Theatre de TrentonInnes.
Senor Cosa: We have Eddie Simon III on ourshow.
Joe Franklin: Oh, he is an artiste, myfriends. Is he doing a specialty?
Senor Cosa: Yes, he is. And after that, he’sgoing to be doing his famous rice dance, ofcourse.
Joe Franklin: Mm.
Senor Cosa: And then juggling the Siamesefighting fish.
Joe Franklin: Ah!
Ricardo the Dummy: Nos Ricardo’s.
Senor Cosa: That’s right.
Joe Franklin: I don’t know about you, myfriends, but this sounds like a true, old-timevaudeville potpourri extravaganza.
[Senor Cosa picks up a glass of water and drinks fromit. Joe watches him expectantly, waiting for theventriloquist to throw his voice. Instead, Cosa merelyfinishes drinking and sets the glass down. Joe looksaround, confused, but quickly recovers.]
Joe Franklin: Dan, you are a great, greatfireman. You save the lives of people in this city.Dan, what do you think about Eddie Cantor?
Dan Halloran: Well, I don’t know. Was that theguy with the big eyes, right?
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.
Dan Halloran: Ah, I never seen him, Joe. Neverseen him.
Joe Franklin: Did you ever see this man’sfather? Jackie Rogers, Sr.? [to Jackie] Your dad was agreat man.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: And a remarkable teacher,Joe. I still find myself doing a certain move ortaking a certain attitude and I’ll stop and say, “Hey!I know where I caught that from!” [looks upward]Thanks, Dad! [looks up in another direction] Oh, thereyou are!
[Joe and Jackie share a laugh. Dan has watched Jackiewith mute astonishment.]
Joe Franklin: [holds up a book] He has writtena book about his father and it’s called, “Damn You,Daddy, Sir” — and this is a book about what?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: It’s – it’s – it’s a loveletter, really, I suppose, with a dash of hatred in analmost mocha kind of swirl, if you’ll have it.
Joe Franklin: I’ll have it. I like what youlike. You like what I like. And, alike, we like. Myfriends, let’s sit back and reminisce with a recordingof his father, Jackie Rogers, Sr.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Oh!
Joe Franklin: Let’s drop the needle on MemoryLane and listen to this great, great recording, myfriends, of the late, late, dead Jackie Rogers, Sr. -coming – up – right – now. Listen – to – this -song.
[Joe grins happily as the record plays. It’s anupbeat, cheesy Vegas lounge lizard version of thetitle song from the Broadway musical “She Loves Me.”Joe’s guests sit quietly and listen. Senor Cosa grinsslightly as Ricardo’s eyes flick rapidly left andright. Dan squints and looks around uncomfortably.Jackie bops to the rhythm and mouths the wordsexuberantly as his father sings:]
Voice of Jackie Rogers, Sr.: [sings] Yeah! She loves me and to my amazement I love it knowing that she loves me She loves me but she doesn’t know it Why should she when she does not show it? Yesterday, she hates me, ha! Now, today she likes me, bah! And tomorrow! Oh, tomorrow … !
Joe Franklin: [as the terrible song fades out]What a great memory, my friends. Uh, Dan, did you eversee his father perform?
Dan Halloran: Uh, not that I know of, Joe. AndI think I really would have remembered that.
Joe Franklin: I think so, too, my friends. Thisshow, my friends, is a show of shows. It is one to putin the comedy time capsule, my friends. Don’t youthink so, Senor Cosa?
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: [consults a piece of paper] Dan,tell us about the, ehhhh, the, um, upcoming, uh,charity event here.
Dan Halloran: Uh, well, uh, Joe, the firemenare havin’ a barbecue. And, uh, tryin’ to raise moneyfor the firemen’s occupational hazards.
Joe Franklin: Such as what? Smokeinhalation?
Dan Halloran: Well, yeah, that’s one, ofcourse. And, uh, then there’s, of course, uh,ankle-hip-ilitis.
Joe Franklin: “Ankle-hip-ilitis”? What’sthat?
Dan Halloran: Well, that’s when the ankles aredriven straight up into the hips. Usually this’llhappen jumpin’ off a building. Or sometimes slidin’down the pole too fast.
Joe Franklin: Mmm.
Dan Halloran: Mostly, it’ll happen to yourheavier firemen.
Joe Franklin: It sounds terrible.
Dan Halloran: Yeah. Well, it is. And, uh– See,it makes ’em walk like this. [demonstrates stiffly]Gives ’em kind of a funny little duck-likewalk.
Joe Franklin: A duck walk! Like Joe Penner,”Wanna buy a duck?”
[Ricardo the Dummy quacks like a duck.]
Joe Franklin: Right, Senor Cosa?
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha! Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: Cos-ha. Cos-ha. Jackie Rogers,Jr., my friend, the book, “Damn You, Daddy, Sir”…
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes.
Joe Franklin: … is a provocative title.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Yes.
Joe Franklin: Did he beat you? Was theretaunting? Uh, were there coat hangers?
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: No, but, I – I do rememberone time, Joe — and, when I think of it, I still findmyself getting pretty shaky.
Joe Franklin: Mm hm.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: He made me sit in front ofa plateful of yams …
Joe Franklin: Mm hm.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: … for a – a good thirty,thirty-five minutes.
[Awkward pause.]
Joe Franklin: Maybe he should have put the yamson Matzohs by Streit’s, my friends, and washed it downwith Hoffman beverages. Dan, have you ever had Matzohsby Streit’s?
Dan Halloran: Uh, not that I know of,Joe.
[“Twelfth Street Rag” pots up and continues under thefollowing:]
Joe Franklin: Jackie — the book, my friends,”Damn You, Daddy, Sir” — I’m putting this on mybestseller list in the Hall of Fame. And I wish youcould be at the Firemen’s Barbecue with Dan. [to Dan]Always a pleasure. And we top it all off with SenorCosa.
Ricardo the Dummy: Cos-ha!
Joe Franklin: So be there, my friends. Let’swave goodbye. Joe Franklin, saying good night, myfriends, good night. Bye bye.
[Joe and his guests wave to the camera as it pullsback. The lights go down and the setdarkens.]
Announcer: Chess. The thinking man’s sport. For over half a century, dozens of world grand masters have come out of America’s high school chess clubs. Most of the credit for that belons to the unsung hero of chess – the high school chess coach.
[ show Chess Coach Donald Ramp yelling at his players during a match ]
Donald Ramp: Pawn to Rook 4! Pawn to Rook 4! Nooooooo!! Get up, get up, get up!! [ starts kicking chairs around ]
Announcer: Donald Ramp, of Rodville Center High, dedicated to turning raw kids into chess champions.
Donald Ramp: You call that castling?! Come on! Why don’t you just give him the king?! Give it to him!
Donald Ramp V/O: A lot of people think that chess games are won on brilliant moves. They’re not. The match is really won or lost long before the pieces are set up.
Donald Ramp: Next Saturday: Wheaton High. Big match, tough school. They’re using a Sicilian defense. How do we counter? Simple. [ draws chess board on the chalk board, filling in the individual squares ]
Donald Ramp V/O: The fundamental thing about chess? Knowing the rules.
[ show Donald reviewing strategy with a student ]
Donald Ramp: When you go over there, move the knight..
Student: [ confused ] The knight?
Donald Ramp: Yeah.. the horsey thing, the horsey thing! Come on!
[ cut to another interaction ]
Donald Ramp: Move it, movie it, movie it! Move the bishop!
[ cut to Donald reviewing film footage of an earlier chess match ]
Donald Ramp V/O: Sure. I am hard on the guys. But I’m just as hard on myself. Most nights, I’m in the office ’til midnight, watching game films.
Announcer: But Ramp’s lust for victory can lead to controversry, like the furor surrounding his overseas recruiting trips.
[ SUPER: “Andrei Zhubarov, Chess Team Captain Class of ’85” ]
Andrei Zhubarov: I love to play for Coach Ramp. He was like a father to me, he bring me to this school in my shuffleboard years.
[ cut to another tense chess match ]
Donald Ramp: You call that a jump?! His [ bleep ] bishop wasn’t anywhere near the [ bleep ] queen!
Announcer: Ironically, it was during the filming of this profile that Coach Ramp expeirenced the most regrettable incident of his career.
[ Coach Ramp knocks down one of the opposing player’s chess pieces, a riot ensues. Members of the opposing team jump him, screaming, “Hey, you can’t do that!” etc. ]
Donald Ramp V/O: Some people say I lost control that day. But when you’re down two pawns, you gotta do something.
Announcer: For inciting the brawl, the American High School Chess Confederation branded Coach Ramp with a lifetime suspension.
Donald Ramp V/O: I’m really not sure what I’ll do. For now, I’m looking forward to spending more time with my family.
Daughter: Pass the salt, Daddy?
[ Coach Ramp lifts the salt shaker, then moves it about the checkerboard table around other shakers, simulating chess moves ]
Donald Ramp V/O: The only thing I miss are the matches, the excitement, the adrenaline.. The rest of it, I can live without. Still.. I guess the game never really leaves you..
President Ronald Reagan: My fellow Americans.. as you know, a Constitutional amendment to allow prayer in public schools has long been one of my most cherished goals. And most folks think it’s a pretty good idea. But, our efforts have been almost blindsided by a small group of self-appointed people. People who say that, even the simplest little prayer would make their kids feel.. left out. Well, of course, the facts prove otherwise.
Earlier this week, Nancy visited a classroom in Morristown, New Jersey. And, out of 36 fourth-graders, 34 said that they’d like a morning prayer break. And no one singled out.. the remaining children. Emily Handelman, 28 Cedar Boulevard; and Gupta Ramish, 1151 north Main Street, Apt. 3A.
Even so, out of fear of offending these two, 34 good kids aren’t allowed to.. talk to their Creator in the morning. Well, that’s going to change. In my second administration, we’re going to introduce into Congress a compromise law that would give every single non-praying child.. this armband. It says, simply, “I decline to pray.” Well, it’s an easily-seen reminder to other students, of his or her religious beliefs. So, with your help on this Tuesday, November 6th.. 34 kids in New Jersey will have God back in school. And, 2 others? Well.. they won’t have a prayer.
Announcer: Paid for by Young Christians For Reagan.
Host … Harry Shearer Vincent Price … Michael McKean
[Graphic: PBS PLEDGEBRATION – Dissolve to a two-tieredphone bank full of seated volunteers who answerringing telephones, collect pledges, and talk amongstthemselves as part of a public TV station fundraisingdrive. As we pull back, an earnest, bespectacled hostwalks into view and abruptly addresses thecamera.]
Host: Okay! As we’ve been reminding you allevening long, our fine PBS programming is running justa little bit late tonight because of our special FallPledge-a-bration. It’s now – [checks wristwatch] -eight thirty-five. We’ll be joining our scheduledprogram at – [checks wristwatch] – eight forty-five.It’s a rollicking new comedy series from Britain, “ABun in the Oven,” a domestic farce about a young manwhose wife must perpetually pretend to be pregnant orthey’ll be evicted from their council flat — or whatwe’d call “public housing.”
And speaking of “public”: YOU — are the “public” in”public television.” That’s right. Only seventy-fivepercent of our funds come from oil companies. We needyou. We count on you. You’re the reason we interruptour fine programming to remind you that, without you,there would be no “public” in “public television” andthere would be no fine programming to interrupt toremind you that we need you.
We’re delighted to have with us here at PledgebrationCentral tonight, the distinguished star of stage,screen, scary movies — AND public television, too –please welcome, Mr. Vincent Price!
[Applause as we dissolve to Vincent Price standing infront of a podium, wearing a tuxedo, graciouslyacknowledging the crowd.]
Vincent Price: Edgar Lee Masters — the authorof the American classic “Spoon River Anthology” –never lived to see public television. And it’s a shamewe can’t send videotapes of this fine PBS fare up tohis lonely crypt on Spoon Hill. I think he’d get akick out of “Newton’s Apple,” don’t you?
Whenever I’m at home with my wife, the actress CoralBrowne, and we’re watching public television together,I often forget she’s in the room. The programming isTHAT fine. But I have another, more personal, reasonfor urging you to support public television. You see,without these fine programmers who occasionally seefit to employ this humble mummer, I’d be spending manya morning at the Hanna-Barbera office playing thevoice of the evil Doctor von Blowfish in the Snorksseries.
Which brings me to a blatant plug for my new projecthere on the public airwaves. What we’ve done is totake the cooking show out of the kitchen and put it ina spooky old library. Won’t you join me now for apreview of my exciting new series, “Recipe”?
[Price holds up a folder marked RECIPE and, as thestudio lights darken, he opens the folder and readsfrom it.]
Vincent Price: “Fave Dolci”! Or — “Dead Man’sBeans.”
Now, the origins of this somewhat morbid name areobscure but, in many cultures, beans were connectedwith death or the souls of the departed. But thistasty sweet makes a safe if somewhat tardy Halloweentreat.
[Dark, low string instruments play a minor melody asPrice adopts a melodramatic mood.]
Vincent Price: [dramatically, as if reading apoem by Poe] Crush two-thirds of a cup of sweet almonds in amortar, With three-quarters of a cup of sugar, Four tablespoons of butter, [ominously] And one egg.
Mix well. Add the grated rind of half a lemon, And work into a smooth paste.
Flour your hands! And roll the paste into a long tube. Cut this tube into bean-sized pieces. Arrange them! Well-spaced, On a greased baking sheet. And squash them lightly to effect an ovalshape.
[Music ends, lights come up.]
Vincent Price: [mischievously] I’m not going totell you at what temperature to bake it or for howlong. You’ll just have to watch the show. So — joinme, my wife, the actress Coral Browne, and some otherdistinguished doily-sniffers on “Recipe” — comingthis January on PBS. Programming so fine, it almostseems like fun.
[Dissolve back to the host standing before thevolunteers.]
Host: Thank you, Mr. Price. Stay with us. Nexthour, Mr. Steve Allen joins us to tell a fascinatingstory of why Jayne Meadows is in show business.Meantime, Pledgebration continues — so won’t youwatch till it hurts?
Air Date:
Frankie Goes to Hollywood, “Two Tribes”
