…..Michael McKean Voice of Audience Member…..Larry David
Michael McKean: Thank you! Thank you very much! Ohhhhh, that is so invigorating! Thank you very much, and thank you, “Saturday Night Live”, for having me on the program! For an actor.. for an actor, this is the best of all possible worlds. I’m working in New York – it’s my hometown. I’m doing live television – which is a little terrifying, but wonderful. I’m working with the whole “Saturday Night” gang, and they’re just the best. All this – and Chaka Khan, too. Huh? [ audience applauds wildly ] It’s a rhetorical question now – what more could an actor ask for. And I say “actor” advisedly. I’m not really a monologist, I’m not a stand-up comic – I do comedy, yes, but uh.. it’s really not all I do. And, uh.. I’d like to break the ice a little, if I may now, with something kind of different. This is an 18th Century Scottish a capella dirge.. and I hope you enjoy it.
[ singing ] “Ohhhhhhh, Lord I have seen the daaaaayy..”
Voice of Audience Member: [ interrupting continuously ] Hey, Lenny! .. Yo! Len-ny! .. “Laverne & Shirley”! .. Hey! How’s your short friend Squiggy?! .. Hey, where’s Squiggy, Lenny?!
Michael McKean: [ stops singing ] No.. I’ll handle it, Bob. Sir? Sir, whoever you are.. do you know anything about performers? Performers are human beings, sir! If I don’t deserve your respect, at least I deserve your attention! I apppreciate that you know me as Lenny – that’s fine. But.. d-did you see “Spinal Tap”? Did you know as “This Is Spinal Tap”? The actor-musician? “This Is Spinal Tap” received marvelous reviews and did great business!
Voice of Audience Member: No..
Michael McKean: Do you know me as the actor who worked in 1969 at the Eugene O’Neill Playwrights Foundation Conference?!
Voice of Audience Member: Yeah, I’m familiar with that..
Michael McKean: Do you know any of this, sir?! What do I have to do to get your respect, sir?! Doi you want me to do Hamlet?! I’ve done Hamlet! I did Hamlet! And, frankly, I think my Hamlet would be wasted on you.
[ sings ]
“Ohhhhhhh, Lord I –“
Voice of Audience Member: Hey, Hamlet! Where’s Squiggy?!
Michael McKean: [ stops singing ] I’ll talk to you later. [ to the audience ] Thank you very much – have a good time, in spite of him.
… Pamela Stephenson Harry Shearer …. Mark Shubb Michael McKean … Jerry Palter Christopher Guest … Alan Barrows
[Pamela Stephenson stands in front of the newsstand atHome Base addressing the camera.]
Pamela Stephenson: This week, Saturday NightLive is proud to present the reunion of one of thegreat folk groups of the early 1960s, the legendaryFolksmen. Earlier this week, our cameras were therefor their first rehearsal together in nearly twentyyears.
[Cut to film segment. The Folksmen, threecasually-dressed middle-aged men who vaguely resemblethe popular old folk group The Kingston Trio, rehearsein what looks like a little college classroom, tuningtheir stringed instruments noisily.]
Alan Barrows: That’s close enough, isn’tit?
[Cut to solo interview footage of bespectacledguitarist Jerry Palter, the only member who seems tohave kept all of his hair – and most of his sanity.SUPER: Jerry Palter]
Jerry Palter: There’s nothing wrong with the -the rock ‘n’ roll and let the kids have a good timebecause, uh, er, that’s what youth is. Youth is – ishaving a good time. [big grin] But man is an acousticinstrument.
[Cut to solo interview footage of bald but beardedstand-up bass player Mark Shubb, the mostsocially-concerned member of the group. SUPER: MarkShubb]
Mark Shubb: Basically, we retained our thrust,I think, all the way through and that was, you know,the Folksmen were – were a good time — and a lotmore.
[Cut to solo interview footage of balding,bespectacled Alan Barrows, the mellowest, spaciest,most burnt-out of these sixties survivors. SUPER: AlanBarrows]
Alan Barrows: When folk music, uh, as we knew,ended, it was a nightmare for me. I – I– It took metwo years of just literal nightmares, waking up in themiddle of the night and – and wrenching my neck,screaming, uh, to – to – uh, to – to get used to thefact that this was no more.
[As Barrows speaks, we dissolve to an old 1960sFolksmen album entitled TRAVELIN’ – the cover imageshows the young group with all their hair – it’s onthe “Hootsville” label and features their hit song”Old Joe’s Place.” Cut to rehearsal footage of thegroup in the little room. Barrows plays a zither andsings an extremely corny barnyard number:]
Alan Barrows: [sings] The cow goes moo! And the pig goes [snuffle]! And the chickens go chick-a-dick-a-dee! And the dog goes ruff! And the cat goes meow! It’s a barnyard symphony!
[During this goofy ode, we pan over to Shubb on bassand Palter on guitar solemnly playingaccompaniment.]
Jerry Palter: Makes me think about when thekids were – were young. You know, when Barry and youused to play together–
Alan Barrows: Well, I used to sing that song toBarry. Sure.
Jerry Palter: I’m sure he stillremembers.
Mark Shubb: [bluntly] Makes me think that, er,they’re going to boo us off the stage if we dothat.
Jerry Palter: Right.
[Quick dissolve to later in the rehearsal:]
Jerry Palter: You know, we might want to startoff with, is – the, uh–
Mark Shubb: Not – not–
Jerry Palter: Not “Old Joe’s Place.”
Alan Barrows: Not “Old Joe’s Place.”
Jerry Palter: No.
Alan Barrows: For God’s sake–
Mark Shubb: Don’t throw that at me.
Jerry Palter: The, um, the – the traindisaster. “The Old ’97.”
Alan Barrows: “The Old 97,” sure.
Jerry Palter: I think it’s a greatnumber.
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
[Cut to the trio (Barrow now on mandolin) as they playa rollicking version of “The Old 97” – Palter andShubb bob their heads to the rhythm.]
Mark Shubb: [to Palter] Like riding abicycle.
Jerry Palter: [sings] Blood on the tra-acks, blood in the mine! Brothers and sisters, what a terrible time! Old Ninety-Seven went in the wrong hole Now, in Mine Number Sixty, there’s blood on thecoal!
Alan Barrows: [joins in] Blood on thecoal!
Mark Shubb: [joins in] Blood on thecoal!
[All three voices harmonize beautifully and stretchthe word “coal.”]
Jerry Palter: [instructs the group] Really makethat swell.
Alan Barrows: [nods, to Palter] Do you think weshould–?
Jerry Palter: [interrupts, sings averse] Seventeenth of April in the year of Ninety-One ‘Bout a mile below the surface and the West Virginiasunnnnnnnn One shift was ending and the early shift was late And the foreman ate his dinner from a dirty – tin -plate!
Mark Shubb: [cheesy deep-throated interjection]Hey!
The Folksmen: [all sing the chorus] Blood on the tracks, blood on the mine! Brothers and sisters, what a terribletime!
Jerry Palter: [breaks off singing, interrupts]You know what? [all stop playing] It’s – it’s – it’sgonna – it’s gonna start getting long though, Ithink.
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
Mark Shubb: [bluntly] It already did.
Jerry Palter: Yeah. Because we’ve got all thosechorus repeats and all those verses and, uh–
Mark Shubb: Well, this is something I alwayswanted to say when we were doing it.
Alan Barrows: Cut the two middleverses.
Mark Shubb: Cut the repeats of thechoruses.
[Cut to solo interview footage of Palter:]
Jerry Palter: When Albert Lilienthal called usand said, “Would you like to do this show?” I mean,just– of course, he’s a legend. He’s the man whobooked all the great folk acts. He’s the man whoestablished the Eighty-eight Cent Hoot at the Seaman’sInstitute and all these – these remarkable things.Giving young performers a place to start andeverything. And here he was calling us “old fogies,”you know, and it just– I got such a kick out of itand I said, “I’m there.”
[Cut to rehearsal footage of the group in the littleroom.]
Jerry Palter: You know the train isgonna crash into the mine. I mean, it’s just–
Mark Shubb: If you know what’s gonna happen,why sing – why sing the song?
Jerry Palter: Well–
Alan Barrows: But, you know– But that’s likesaying, when you go – you go and see a movie like”Moby Dick,” you know he’s big.
[Cut to solo interview footage of Barrows at hismellowest:]
Alan Barrows: I’ve been teaching for, uh,thirteen years, at Swarthmore. I teach a creativewriting course and, uh, I teach, uh — not connectedwith university — but I teach a yoga class on theside, uh, as well, Wednesdays and Saturdays.
[Cut to rehearsal footage of the group in the littleroom as they squabble politely over which song tosing.]
Jerry Palter: [to Shubb, who nods] I’d love tobe able to do the Spanish song.
Alan Barrows: We could do the barnyard number.It’s only a minute.
Mark Shubb: [to Palter] “Valencia”?
Jerry Palter: [patiently, to Barrows] Well, Idon’t think we’re gonna do the barnyard–
Mark Shubb: “Valencia”? Now, if we do”Valencia,” then I’d say cut all the verses becausethen we’re telling a story–
Jerry Palter: [to Barrows] What do you think ofthat? What do you think of doing “Valencia”?
Alan Barrows: It’s in Spanish! I don’t remembermy Spanish.
Jerry Palter: Well, I don’t rememberit–
Mark Shubb: You don’t have to remember.We can fake it. But it’s a Spanish Civil Warsong…
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
Mark Shubb: … it says we’re stillconcerned.
Alan Barrows: Yeah.
[Cut to solo interview footage of Shubb:]
Mark Shubb: Those were special times. Uh, wewere doing something, we were saying something, wewere – meaning something – to people and, uh,that means something to you. [indicateshimself]
[Cut to rehearsal footage of the group in the littleroom:]
Alan Barrows: [to Palter] Can I do aninstrumental, then?
Jerry Palter: On what?
Alan Barrows: We have time for that?
Mark Shubb: [to Barrows, a little contemptuous]You’d rather play than tell a story? Is that whatyou’re saying?
Alan Barrows: I’d do– Do both.
Jerry Palter: [to Barrows, reasonable] How’bout this? Whatever number we do, we’ll let you vampfor the first fif– thirty seconds.
Alan Barrows: Okay. Sure.
Mark Shubb: [abruptly] It’s so good to seeyou.
Jerry Palter: It’s good to see you,too.
Alan Barrows: It’s good to see all ofus.
Mark Shubb: Yeah, it is.
Alan Barrows: It’s been too long.
[The trio sits in stone silence for a long reflectivemoment before we dissolve back to Pamela Stephensonwho is live in the studio.]
Pamela Stephenson: [cheerfully, to the crowd]And now, live and together for the first time ineighteen years, the Folksmen!
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to the threemusicians, seated on stools at Home Base, wearingKingston Trio-like tan slacks, white socks, loafersand red-and-white striped shirts. A lighted sign hangsin the background – it should read EAT AT JOE’S butsome of the bulbs are out so, instead, it reads EA AJOE’ – The Folksmen play their upbeat hit song, “OldJoe’s Place.”]
Jerry Palter: [sings, wholesomely] Whenever I’m out a-wanderin’, chasin’ a rainbowdream I often stop and think about a place I’ve neverseen
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] Where friendly folks can gather and raise the raftershigh
The Folksmen: [sing] With songs and tales of yesteryear until they saygood-bye!
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] Theeeeeere’saaaaaaaaa …
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] … puppy in the parlor and a skillet on the stove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPlace
Jerry Palter: [sings, wholesomely, as the otherharmonize behind him] Now, folks come ’round ’bout evenin’ time soon as thesun goes down Some drop in from right next door and some from out oftown
[Barrows plucks out a solo on his guitar as the otherslook on with feigned interest.]
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] Weeeeelllllllll – eeeelllllll – There’s a…
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] … puppy in the parlor and a skillet on the stove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s popcorn in the popper and a porker in thepot There’s pie in the pantry and the coffee’s alwayshot There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPlace
Jerry Palter: [sings, wholesomely] Now, they don’t allow no frowns inside, just leave ’emby the door There’s apple brandy by the keg
Mark Shubb: [sings, a deep bass] And sawdust on the floor
Alan Barrows: [sings, froggily] So, if you’ve got a hank’rin’, I’ll tell ya where togo
The Folksmen: [sing] Just look for the busted neon sign thatflashes–
Mark Shubb: [sings, a deep bass, points tobroken sign]Ea’ a’ Joe’!
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] There’s a puppy in the parlor and a skillet on thestove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s popcorn in the popper and a porker in thepot There’s pie in the pantry and the coffee’s alwayshot There’s sausage in the morning and a party everynight There’s a nurse on duty if you don’t feel right There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace
[Pause as all three take a deep breath and sigh asPalter pretends to wipe sweat from his brow]
The Folksmen: Whew!
The Folksmen: [sing] There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPla-a-a-a-ace!
[They finish big to cheers and applause. As the otherscontinue to play a rhythm, Barrows rises and addressesthe audience:]
Alan Barrows: Thank you very much. Thank you.Thank you. Thank you very much. We’d like to haveeverybody sing along now! So join us!
[Barrows sits and the trio blasts through an evenfaster version of the chorus, impossible to sing alongto.]
The Folksmen: [sing the chorus] There’s a puppy in the parlor and a skillet on thestove And a smelly old blanket that a Navajo wove There’s popcorn in the popper and a porker in thepot There’s pie in the pantry and the coffee’s alwayshot There’s sausage in the morning and a party everynight
Mark Shubb: Come on!
Alan Barrows: [waves to crowd] Come on,everybody!
The Folksmen: [sing] There’s a nurse on duty if you don’t feel right There’s chicken on the table but you gotta saygrace
[Applause before the trio finishes with their pause,deep sigh, and wiping the sweat from theirbrows:]
The Folksmen: Whew!
The Folksmen: [sing] There’s always somethin’ cookin’ at Old Joe’sPla-a-a-a-ace!
Fernando…..Billy Crystal Barry Manilow…..Bobby Fraraccio
Announcer: And now, “Fernando’s Hideaway”!
Fernando: Saludos, my friends. How are you, darlings? Itr is so lovely to be back, here in the Hideaway. And, as you know, my friends.. as you can see, the booth is empty, and I am very upset. I don’t feel marvelous. I look marvelous, but I don’t feel marvelous. Which is hokie-dokie for me, because, as you know, my credo is “It is better to look good than to feel good.” You know what I am saying, and you know who you are. Why do I feel so.. disconsole? Because, my friends, I had a scheduled guest to the Hideaway tonight.. and my special guest was supposed to be Mr. Barry Manilow. But, just a few hours ago, Mr. Manilow cancelled at the last minute. Of course, those of you who were looking forward to seeing him will be disappointed. And I guess he was tired – if you were writing all of the songs for all of the world to sing.. you would be one busy cabellero, if you know what I am saying! But, my friends, I promised you a Barry Manilow interview, and that’s what I’m going to deliver. Just a few minutes ago, one of our crew members has volunteered to play his part. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our special guest in the hideaway tonight.. Mr. Barry Manilow!
[ cameraman Bobby Fraraccio steps out, purportedly in the role of Barry Manilow ]
They love you! I tell you this: they love you, they go nuts! You people! This is marvelous. Barry.. he’s excited.
Barry Manilow: It’s nice to see you again.
Fernando: It’s nice to see you, darling. Why don’t you swing in here. There you go. Table for eight? I kid you! I kid him because he’s a kidder! Barry.. I gotta tell you, first of all – you look mahvelous! He does! He does! Up close, he’s something different – the make-up, the.. you know, it’s just marvelous. Barry, I’ve got to tell you this, you know, we love you at home – and I mean love you. You, you’re a romantic guy – is he not? The woman go nuts! The security in this building – stop screaming, darling! I feel like Ed Sullivan, when the Bea-attles got here, you know what I am saying to you? Unbelievable! Barry.. we make out to your records. We do – it’s not Johnny Mathis any more, it’s you! You’re a very romantic guy. What is your definition of love?
Barry Manilow: It’s very hard to express. I try to say it in my music.
Fernando: In your music? And you do, and you say it beautifully. To me, love is.. saying, “I’m done – let’s get some Chinese food.” You know what I am saying to you? You’re absolutely marvelous, and I have never seen plaid in one place like this in my life! It’s unbelievable! A whole Madras convention is happening right here! now, let me ask you this, Barry: What is it like being a sex symbol? You know, I mean.. are you a prisoner in a castle of love?
Barry Manilow: It’s weird!
Fernando: I bet!
Barry Manilow: I’m tall..
Fernando: You are?
Barry Manilow: ..I have a big nose.. I have no tush at all. I’m just a schlep kid from Brooklyn.
Fernando: Well, we are glad you schlepped here today, I’ll tell you that. From Brooklyn, or whatever. Barry, you look mahvelous – absolutelymahvelous.. Before you go, I know you got to get over to Radio City – sing us a little song, just a little bit. They’re dying to hear. [ to audience ] Don’t you want to hear? [ audience applauds wildly ] Please, I would be so honored.
Barry Manilow: For you.
Fernando: For me!
Barry Manilow: [ singing ] “I write the songs that make the whole world sing I wrote the songs of love and special things..”
Fernando: My friends.. [ Barry ocntinues to sing ] Keep going, Barry, I know! We love his man very much! We’ll see you next week on the Hideaway, when my guests will be Ed Ames and Black Sabbath. Remember, my friends. Saludos, it’s better to look good than to feel good.
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Betterget ready! Here comes America’s Kamikaze ofComedy!
[A montage. A sign reads BUDDY YOUNG JR. IS BACK! – Afront page headline in the New York Times reads BUDDYYOUNG IS INSULTING – A New York Post headline readsTIMELY – A black and white publicity photo ofcigar-chomping, middle-aged nightclub comedian BuddyYoung – A sign reads APPEARING NOW – Finally, we cutto film of Buddy on a red-curtained stage, wearing anugly maroon tuxedo, insulting audiencemembers:]
Buddy Young, Jr.: Where you from? New Jersey?What exit? This man’s sitting there in a shirt thatWilliam Bendix died in!
[Rim shot. Nightclub customers crack up withlaughter.]
Announcer V/O: Yes, Buddy Young, Jr. is back!He’s got his act together and is taking it out — oneveryone!
[Buddy harangues a customer with a toupee.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I’m talkin’ to you, babe.You, in the polyester wig. You know what I’m sayin’?Is that a toupee or do you have a bobcat sitting ontop of your head? Huh? You believe this piece? Look atthis. Go for the extra four bucks. Matter of fact, gobald, babe, okay? Go bald. Better not. [points toanother customer] The Puerto Rican kid’s gonna spraypaint your head.
[Cut to a satisfied customer outside theclub.]
Satisfied Customer: [grins enthusiastically]What a night at the theater!
[Cut back to Buddy on stage.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What stinks? Somethin’stinks, doesn’t it? Lady? Nice body odor — you smelllike landfill.
[Rim shot. Cut back to the satisfied customer outsidethe club standing next to his wife.]
Satisfied Customer: He called me “a Mexicanpus face.” And said to my wife, “Lovely face, madam.I never saw a tuckus with lipstick before.”
[Cut back to Buddy, on the nightclub floor, workingthe crowd.]
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. in his comebacktriumph! Audiences can’t get enough!
[In the crowd, Buddy trades friendly slaps andhigh-fives with a middle-aged black man.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: There ya go! [pats black manon shoulder] I’m wild about this guy. My grandfatherOWNED this man! I’ll tell ya– Ah, you’re toomuch!
[Buddy stands with a chubby, frizzy-haired woman wholooks like Marty Allen of the comedy team Allen andRossi.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: This is Marty Allen in drag,this lady, I tell ya. [puts his chin in her hair sothat it looks like he has a beard] Look, I’mLincoln!
[Cut to satisfied customers outside.]
Another Satisfied Customer: [reverently] Hewished me a tumor in my eye and spit in mydrink!
[Cut to Buddy on stage as he puts on a hat and plays acharacter.]
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. movesaudiences, too! Clown becomes actor with his condensedversion of “Death of a Salesman”!
[Sad piano music accompanies Buddy’s actingperformance.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: [dead serious, to animaginary character] Biff? Biff. Biff, you’rethirty-four years old. [to the nightclub crowd] And hethinks “An Officer and a Gentleman” is a doublefeature! This kid is too wild. That’s it, I tellya–
[Rim shot. Buddy takes off hat, waves itdismissively.]
Announcer V/O: He’s a concerned parent!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Like my kid. My kid isstupid, I tell ya, my kid is a dumb kid. He comeshome, he’s got a lump of dog stuff in his hair and Isay, What the hell is that? He goes, “Pop, I almoststepped in this!” [rim shot] He’s unbelievably dumb.But what we need is Love today! We don’t have Love!You know that! We don’t have Love! My wife — twohours with a bicycle pump to get the hair up likethis.
Announcer: He’s topical!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Phone company drives me nuts.You got trouble with the phone company? Tell me aboutit! The same thing with the life insurance. They don’tknow! They got this mental thing–
Announcer V/O: He’s a feminist!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Especially to you, lady. Yougot enough fat there for two bodies. [rim shot] Let meintroduce a new word to your vocabulary, okay?”Yogurt.” All right? How ’bout these two words, babe?”Sit ups.” Okay, how ’bout this whole sentence? “No, Icouldn’t possibly eat more — marble cake.”
Announcer V/O: Most of all, he’s Buddy Young,Jr.!
[Buddy sits on a stool as his nearby pianistaccompanies him.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: [sings] If I made you feel bad If I made you cry We’re all created equal By that Guy up in the sky [speaks, points to a customer] Except for you, sir. You are a perfect example of whathappens when cousins marry. You know what I’m sayin’?Good night, ladies and gentlemen, get out of here!Leave me alone for a little while. You know what I’mtalkin’ about?
[Buddy rises and waves dismissively at the customersas they give him a standing ovation.]
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Getinsulted this week at the Bowman. Exit 23, New JerseyTurnpike.
Buddy Young, Jr. V/O: I hope you all get a puswart.
The Folksmen Documentary film covers reunion of The Folksmen (McKean, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest). The Folksmen (McKean, Harry Shearer, Christopher Guest) perform “Old Joe’s Place”
[ open on Mother in the kitchen, as little Billy approaches ]
Mother V/O: I’ll never forget the day little Billy came home with stomach pains..
Billy: Mommy..? I have a stomachache..
Mother V/O: At first, nothing seemed unusual – he wasn’t running a temperature. But then I noticed an unusual accumulation of metal objects around Billy’s midsection. That’s when I realized little Billy had been eating.. refrigerator magnets.
[ show Billy being wheeled into the hospital, as a Doctor approaches the camera ]
Doctor: You know, every seven minutes a child is wheeled into the hospital after eating too many refrigerator magnets – those little doodads that resemble cookies and candies and fruits. Sometimes Junior can’t tell them from the real thing. The results.. [ pulls a license plate loose from Billy’s stomach ] ..can be tragic.
[ show Billy on the operating table, as the magnet in his stomach pulls some sharp medical tools toward his abdomen ]
Doctor V/O: Last year, surgeons performed over 9,000 emergency magnectomies. This year, the rate will be even higher.
Doctor: Now, if you suspect that your child is eating magnets, look for these warning signs:
A. Mild stomach pains.
B. An annoying tendancy to point to the north.
C. An unusual attraction to large metal objects.
[ Billy is pulled onto the side of a large rental truck ]
Put magnets behind the fridge, where kids can’t reach them.
Announcer: [ over SUPER ] This message has been brought to you by the REFRIGERATOR MAGNET SAFETY ADVISORY BOARD.
Jingle: “Hey, Tippi Turtle, coming down the street Tell us what you’re gonna do!”
Tippi Turtle: “First, I’m gonna bother everybody I meet Then, I’ll probably go home and get drunk.” Jingle: Hey, Tippi Turtle! Hey, hey, Tippi Turtle!”
[ Tippi Turtle walks down the street ]
Tippi Turtle: Hi, everybody! Well, enough small talk – we’ve got people to annoy! Today, we’re gonna bother these guys – the hammerheads at the U.S. Post Office. Hee hee hee! Now, pay attention.
[ Tippi demonstrates in his home workshop ]
Get some real thin balsa wood, and glue it together like this. See? You make a little box! Then, you take a helium balloon and you put it inside like this. Then, wrap it up and address it! Take it downtown.
[ show Tippi Turtle standing in line at the Post Office ]
Hee hee hee! This is gonna be great! [ jumps excitedly ]
Postal Employee: Next.
Tippi Turtle: Yes. Good afternoon, Mr. United States Post Office Man. Now, you charge according to weight, is that correct?
Postal Employee: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just put it on the scale.
Tippi Turtle: Okee-dokee! [ places his box on the scale, but it floats upward ] Looks like you owe me some money, hammerhead!
Postal Employee: [ grabs box from midair, places it down again ] I don’t know.. [ box floats away again ]
Tippi Turtle: [ bangs counter ] Are you gonna pay up, or not? Iwant my money! Fair is fair! [ leans close to the camera to whisper to the audience ] Be real obnoxious. Keep demanding money. Bother as many people as you can! [ leans back into the cartoon ] I want my money! Fair is fair!
[ a fight ensues, Tippi casually walks away ]
Tippi Turtle: Hee hee hee! Now, that’s entertainment!Goodbye, everybody! See you next time!
Announcer V/O…..Don Pardo Frank McCray…..Gary Kroeger Phyllis Ray…..Julia-Louis Dreyfus Lisa Saitt…..Mary Gross Andy A. Abbott…..Rich Hall
[Zoom out on the game show’s logo as the theme music plays]
Announcer V/O: It’s time, once again, to play “7X4”, with yout host, Frank McCray.
[Applause as Frank happily walks to the stage, bows to the audience, blows a kiss to the conestants, and takes his place at his podium.]
Frank McCray: Hello, hello, hello. I’m Frank McCray and welcome to “7X4”.
[Lisa Saitt and Phyllis Ray, the first 2 contestants, buzz in]
Phyllis Ray: 28?
Frank McCray: Uh, look. Let’s wait ’till the game begins, shall we?
[Lisa giggles as Andy A. Abbott, the third and last conestant, buzzes in]
Frank McCray: Yes?
Andy A. Abbott: Uh, I’d like to take a guess, Frank.
Frank McCray: Look, we haven’t started the game yet, all right? [Andy briefly nods]
Andy A. Abbott: 28!
[The other contestants instaneously buzz in and yell “28”.]
Frank McCray: Stop, please! I know you’re anxious to get started, but you must wait ’till we actually begin, all right? Now let’s meet our contestants. First of all, contestant number one, what is your name and what do you do?
Lisa Siatt: My name’s Lisa Siatt and I teach a course in advanced mathematics.
Frank McCray: Really? This game should be right up your alley.
Lisa Siatt: I don’t expect any problems.
Frank McCray: Terrific. Contestant number two, what is your name?
Phyllis Ray: Phyllis Ray.
Frank McCray: And how old are you, Phyllis?
Phyllis Ray: 28.
[Lisa, Phyllis, and Andy start buzzing in and yelling “28” again.]
Frank McCray: [hastliy] Please, now come on! We’re wasting valuable time. Now just settle down, all right? Number three, what is your name, sir?
Andy A. Abbott: Um, Andy A. Abbott.
Frank McCray: Welcome to the show, Mr. Abbott.
Andy A. Abbott: Will we be going alphabetically?
Phyllis Ray: Uh, well–
Lisa Siatt: No, no.
Phyllis Ray: There’s no need–
Frank McCray: Uh, I’m afraid not, Mr. Abbott. Thank you for your enthuiasm. Don Pardo, what are they playing for today on “7X4”?
[A picture of a house wipes in as theme music plays]
Don Pardo V/O: It’s a house, Frank. [Offscreen, the contestants buzz in instaneously] Yes, it’s a five-bedroom Colonial with a guesthouse, a swimming pool, and ten heavenly acres of land.
[Cut back to Frank trying to stop the contestants from buzzing in.]
Frank McCray: [aggravated] Come on! Just settle down, would you? Every damn show, the same thing! Now, just settle down and keep your hands off the buzzers. Are we ready to play? All right. Here is your first question–
Lisa Siatt: [buzzing in] 28?
Frank McCray: [shouting] WAIT FOR THE QUESTION, DAMN IT!
[The three contestants, bewildred and rather offended, quietly wait for the question]
Frank McCray: “If the farmer had seven apples–“
[The three contestants continuously buzz in and yell “28”. The ending bell sounds as Frank looks off-screen.]
Frank McCray: We’re out of time? What? [Frank turns back to the contestants] Great! We’re out of time. You have no one to blame but yourselves. That’s it. Forget it. [Turns to the audience] Well, thanks for tuning in and join us next time on “7X4”.
[The contestants continue to shout “28” as an angry and frustarated Frank goes over to the contestants and trying to force their hands off the buzzers to no avail]
Air Date:
Chaka Khan, “I Feel For You”
