 Saturday Night Live Transcripts
 Season 10: Episode 1
84a: (no host) / Thompson Twins
Synchronized Swimming
Gerald…..Harry Shearer
Lawrence…..Martin Short
Director…..Christopher Guest
[ open on an underwater camera angled upward to see Gerald & Lawrence on the surface above, as they jump into the pool below and begin their synchronized swimming routine. ]
Gerald: Oh, it’s not going to be easy. My brother and I know. Men have never done synchronized swimming in a sanctioned competition in this country. Officially, it’s got like a zero acceptance rate.
[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence sitting and chatting ]
Lawrence: I don’t swim.
Gerald: Lawrence doesn’t swim. So.. I mean, no, of course not.. no one’s going to just walk up and hand us a gold medal. Men’s syncro isn’t even in the ’88 Olympics yet.
Lawrence: That’s okay, because we could use the time. ‘Cause I’m not.. I’m not that strong a swimmer.
Gerald: But I mean, that just means, you know, for ’92, we’re a lock for the gold.
[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence doing more of their routine in the pool ]
Gerald: I remember it was a Friday. I was coming home. My wife, Abby, asked me, “Honey, is there something wrong?” And I said, “No, there’s nothing wrong. I’ve made a decision. I’m leaving the accounting firm, and Lawrence and I are gonig to pursue a dream that we have, and that basically synchronized swimming is going to be our lives for the rest of this century.”
[ cut to Gerald’s wife, Abby ]
Abby: At first, I was sullen, because it turned our lives upseide-down, you know? But then I realized that it wasmaking Gerald really happy.. after being down for so long. I just decided that.. this was going to be great. [ cut to visual of Abby walking up a suburban sidewalk with a suitcase of wares ] Going back to work was a challenge.. but I found a whole outlet of experience.. and, let me tell you, you meet so many new people in the course of one day.
[ Abby knocks on door, but is ignored after being noticed from the window ]
Gerald: She’s been great. I’m really fond of the lady.
[ cut to a Director helping Gerald & Lawrence with their routine ]
Director: 1, 2, 3, 4 – here it goes. This is like a mirror between you, and then he goes this way, and then let’s say you were to point at each other. You’re doing the same thing, aren’t you? No, you’re not angry at him..
Gerald: No, I’m not.
Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you! I know you!” Let’s hear the waggle. The waggle. Yes, just let me see this.. [ waggles ] Yeah, you remember that.. Maybe not.
[ cut to Director discussing his work withGerald & Lawrence ]
Director: Working with them has also given me a goose – if I may use that expression. I’ve been directing regional theater – “Shakespeare in the Park” – and if I ever do that again, I’m just going to, you know, kill myself with a Veg-o-Matic.
[ cut to more directing ]
Director: We dig a hole, we dig a hole, we dig a hole..
Director Voice-Over: And the great thing about these boys is they are thinking gold. I mean, who would want to wear bronze, anyway?
[ the boys learn underwater breathing techniques ]
Director: Be aware of the waterlines. So start holding your noses now! And hold your breath! Count: 1, 2.. you’re underwater – I am, too, but I’m talking, this is just pretend – 2, 3, 4.. look at the fish going by, you see people’s feet? Can you hold it any longer? No. So, burst out of the water, and aren’t you glad to be out of the water? Lawrence, aren’t you glad?
Lawrence: Yes.
Director: Yes!
[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence on the deck, Lawrence performing an on-deck dance routine ]
Director Voice-Over: Although the judges don’t count it, deck work is a very important part of Lawrence’s preparation for the gold, and that’s allowed to come from within in. He can be surprisingly creative.
[ Gerald & Larence jump into the water ]
Lawrence: The underwater part is really challenging. In a way, it’s what makes this sport a sport. The male rules are a lot tougher. We can only touch the bottom with the balls of our feet, or else it’s five-eighths of a point off.
[ cut to behind-the-scenes grooming before the next bout of practice ]
[ cut to Gerald & Lawrence in the water showing off their best synchronized swimming skills ]
Lawrence Voice-Over: The music is chosen to express different moods: happy, underwater.. we’ll argue sometimes about it, but I think Gerald trusts my tastes.
Gerald Voice-Over: There just comes a time in your life where you have to take yourself to the limit. We have the opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before. And we’re going for it.
[ Gerald & Lawrence finish their synchronized swimming and wave to the empty crowd ]
Air Date:
Spinal Tap, “Big Bottoms”
Madness, “Our House”