Brandon Tartikoff: You know, when I first said that I was going to do this show, and they publicized it that ‘The Boss’ was going to be on Saturday Night Live, there was a lot of disappointment when Bruce Springsteen didn’t show up, but I’m glad I was here, I’m glad I did it. Thanks to Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, and this wonderful cast! Thank you!
Gary Kroeger: Goodbye!
[Mary Gross kisses and embraces Brandon. Joe Piscopo carries his son Joey on his shoulders as Gary does the same with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.]
[FADE IN on warehouse. Herb Feln is standing behind a desk with various items of clothing strewn about. In front of the desk, a selection of produce. Behind Feln, a few racks of clothing and signs on the wall, some reading “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE”, “95% GUARANTEE, 5% POLYESTER”, “E-Z CREDIT TERMS UNAVAILABLE” Feln is wearing a red jacket and loud tie]
Herb Feln: Hi, Herb Feln here, for Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing, 3535 North on Milwaukee Avenue. Well, it’s inventory time, and are we overstocked! You’ve caught us with our warehouse full of pants down! Yes, down, up, and halfway to Cleveland! All our designer fashions! All our fresh, delicious produce! Everything must go to make room for more, and are we willing to deal!
Take a look at this three piece outfit! [grabs items one by one] Shirt, bowtie, and ski glove! All made right here in America and guaranteed for the life of the garment, whichever comes first! Or how about this: [grabs more items one by one] Matching T-shirt and pomegranate! Take two! Take three! Take two! The more you buy, the more you have! And who can resist this: [grabs more items one by one] boxer shorts, kneepads, and concord grapes! [shakes grapes loose] Is that a combo or what? You tell us! Just take the shorts and the grapes! [throws grapes at camera, some juice splatters on the lens] At Feln’s, you’re the customer! [drops shorts]
Hey! What do we have here? [reaches behind desk, picks up hanger] First quality, top-of-the-line sleeveless dinner jackets! Aaaand inside each one, grapefruit from Florida! One in each pocket! [tosses it aside, sotto voce] Believe me, there’s another one in there… [normal pitch voice] You won’t be able to tell the difference! Need socks? Who doesn’t? Seven for a dollar! [picks up socks] That’s three and a half complete pairs for one dollar! [tosses socks, picks up avocados] Avocados, avocados, avocados! [does Crazy Eddie-esque hand gesture] Can you ever have enough? Buy two, get a shoe! [holds up black shoe] Buy four, get one more! [holds up non-matching tan shoe] Yes, a- a spare shoe for the office and the train! [thumps black shoe] Can you afford to be without one? [thumps to the next words] You tell us!
[by now, Feln is tossing random bits of food toward the camera] And remember! Remember you have Feln’s Food and Clothing Warehouse’s guarantee! You must, we repeat, you must [Joe Piscopo begins to break character] be absolutely delighted with our prices, or you’ll know why! How’s that for fair? [stifling laughter as “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE” graphic superimposes on lower half of screen] Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse! Warehouse is our last name!
[applause and fade as Feln continues to toss food toward the camera dodging some being thrown back at him]
SummaryA long-time habit of “Saturday Night Live” has been to employ up-and-coming personalities as their hosts, but Dick Ebersol planned a different strategy for the 1983 season. Straying from their usual host selections, “SNL” recruiteded many older generation stars to become hosts – stars like Jerry Lewis, Flip Wilson and Don Rickles. Of the up-and-coming personalities, comedian Robin Williams makes his hosting debut, and future castmember Billy Crystal probably enjoyed hosting so much that he just had to come back to be on the show each week. Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo perform their final sketches this season (after the death of Buckwheat, what’s left to do?), as does everyone else from the 1981 cast – with the exception of Mary Gross, who must have thought she would get to do more sketches with Murphy and Piscopo far away from the cameras.
Announcer: The Kannon AE-1. So advanced, so simple, even Stevie Wonder can use it. [ shows Stevie feeling around before picking up camera ] Watch as Stevie photographs top tennis star John Newcombe.
[ Stevie takes some pictures – one of John’s right shoulder, of John slanted, one with John completely out of the picture, and one of the right side of John’s head. John goes up to Stevie, and Stevie takes two more pictures: an out-of-focus shot of John’s head, and one of John’s arm. ]
Stevie Wonder: [ hands camera to John ] Here, John, you try!
[ John takes four pictures of Stevie on the court, each one with Stevietrying unsuccessfully to hit the ball with a tennis racket ]
[ last scene shows John and Stevie taking pictures together ]
Announcer: The Kannon AE-1.
Stevie Wonder: [ putting his hand on the lens of John’s camera ] So simple, anyone can use it!
[FADE IN on Eddie Murphy as a show-biz agent sitting at a desk and talking on the telephone.]
Richie: Look, Im talking about more this year, Im talking about pride, all right? Im talking about the Miss Black Teenage America Contest. [pauses] Well, its gonna be a quality show, man, Don Cornelius is hosting! [pauses] Listen to who we got to be the judges: Ike Turner, Eartha Kitt, Willie Tyler and Lester… [pauses] You know, the dude with the puppet! [pauses] Look, all this show needs now is the incredible musical talents of Wilson Pickett, and- [pauses] What you mean, Wilson Pickett is busy? This is a quality job! [pauses] Well, at least tell the wicked Pickett to think about it, all right? [pauses] Do that for me, okay?
[knocking at the door]
Richie: All right. Someones at my door, I gotta call you back. [puts down phone] Uh, come in!
[Joe Piscopo enters, dressed in a suit and wearing a nerdy pair of dark-rimmed glasses. He talks in a nasal voice.]
Byrne: Richie, how are ya?
Richie: Good.
Byrne: The wife?
Richie: Good.
Byrne: Oh, good, good! Good to see ya. Hey, hey, guy robs a bank, right? Wants to go into hiding. He signs with the William Morris Agency–hes never heard from again! Its true! Its true!
Richie: Whod you get for me, Byrne?
Byrne: Who did I get for you? Did I get you Willie Tyler?
Richie: Yeah.
Byrne: Did I get you Lester?
Richie: Yeah.
Byrne: I got you a singer.
Richie: Who?
Byrne: Think biggest black singer alive.
Richie: You got Michael Jackson, man?
Byrne: No, no, no.
Richie: Marvin Gaye?
Byrne: Think blind.
Richie: You got Ray Charles?!
Byrne: Think braids.
Richie: STEVIE WONDER!!
Byrne: No, no, no!
Richie: You got me Stevie Wonder? Man, you really outdid yourself this time!
Byrne: No, no, no, I got you someone even better!
Richie: Better than Stevie Wonder?
Byrne: Mm-hm.
Richie: Who?
Byrne: [grinning] Alan, the Stevie Wonder Experience! Its wonderful! The kid tours the country in a show called Stevemania! Its a big hit with the college kids!
Richie: I dont want a Steve Wonder imitation.
Byrne: No, no, no, hes better than Stevie! I wanna introduce him to you. [calls through door] Alan!
Alan’s Voice: [offscreen] Yeah?
Byrne: Alan, come here. I want you meet Richie over here.
[Stevie Wonder walks in as Alan, with a portable keyboard in his hands. Byrne leads him over to Richie, and Richie and Alan shake hands.]
Byrne: Here we go, how you doin’, this is Alan right here. Alan, meet Ritchie, right here, your next employer.
Richie: [dubiously] How you doin’, man.
Alan: [with a huge grin and a nasal voice] Hello, Id just like to say, its gonna be a great pleasure appearing on a Miss Black Teenage America program.
Richie: This guy is a dork. He aint nothin like Stevie Wonder!
Byrne: No, no, no! Thats because hes here! But on stage, with the music, the lights, the whole kit and kaboodle, he becomes Stevie Wonder! Its true!
Richie: Im not interested.
Byrne: Its true!
Richie: Im not interested.
Alan: [to Joe] Listen, I get the feeling that he doesnt want me on his show. [grins widely]
Byrne: No, no, no. Alan, Alan, please, please, Alan, its a definite do-able! Make, make your magic, sing for the man! Sing for the man a little bit.
[Stevie Wonder plays a brief chord on the keyboard and grins.]
Alan: Heres one of my favorites. People say I sound just like Stevie, with one exception: you can understand every single word!
[Stevie starts playing the chords to Superstitious, then sings in a harsh, nasal voice. Joe bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]
Alan: Very supersitious, writings on the wall… VERY SUPERSTITIOUS!!! Letters start to fall…
Richie: Alan! It sucks, man.
Byrne: [sheepish] Its true, Alan, it does suck. Uh, do the good one.
[Stevie looks hurt and struggles to maintain his composure.]
Alan: Okay. Heres another one. [clears through loudly]
[In exactly the same manner, he starts bellowing out Living for the City. He sings the first entire verse out of rhythm while Joe again bobs his head back and forth and smiles.]
Richie: Thats the worst Stevie Wonder impression Ive ever seen in my life.
Alan: [grinning] Whats the matter with it?
[The crowd roars with laughter as Stevie grins at Eddie, who breaks down and laughs helplessly for several seconds along with the audience.]
Alan: I can funk! I can funk! I can funk…
Richie: Yeah, yeah, but this, whats youre doing is ridiculous. Its nothing like, I know Stevie Wonder, man, and hes like, you have to mellow out, you see, youre too tense. Loosen up. You have to see me do a Stevie Wonder impression…
[Eddie Murphy takes a pair of sunglasses out of his breast pocket. Crowd roars as Eddie puts them on.]
Richie: You gotta smile a lot, like this, you see, you gotta smile. [grins]
Alan: [grins with his mouth wide open] You mean like this?
Richie: No.
Alan: Like this?
Richie: Yeah, but you aint really got it yet. Then you gotta move your neck around. Stevie moves his neck around. Move your neck like somebodys chokin ya, like this. Like that, see.
[Stevie puts his hands gently around Eddies neck as Eddie moves it back and forth a la Stevie.]
Alan: [grinning] If you dont like my show, Im gonna choke you.
[Stevie moves his head back and forth stiffly.]
Alan: Is this how he does it, like this?
Richie: Kinda.
Alan: Like that?
Richie: You gotta loosen up, you gotta move you hands, like this. See? Listen to me. Watch this.
Alan: Okay.
Richie: [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] My Cherie Amour, lovely as a summer day…
Alan: [nasal-voiced] My Cherie Amour…
Richie: No, no, no, better, with more feeling.
Alan: Oh.
[Stevie grunts as he tries too hard to sing like Stevie]
Alan: [nasal-voiced] My Cherie Amour…
Richie: You dont even know the words!
Alan: Lovely as a summer day!
Richie: No, listen to me, listen, listen. [clapping and singing like Stevie Wonder] My Cherie Amour, distant as the Milky Way…
[The crowd roars, and then Stevie starts singing the song for real. He claps and sings the rest of the first verse beautifully, and the crowd claps along and roars even louder. Everyone smiles, and Joe pats Stevie on the shoulder. Finally, Eddie takes off his glasses and shakes his head.]
Richie: It still sucks, man.
Byrne: No, no, no! Richie, that was Stevie Wonder! I was standing here! He became Stevie Wonder! Look, Im not married to this guy! Ive got another fellow, you would swear he is Smokey Robinson!
Richie: Im not interested.
Byrne: Its true! Its true!
Stevie: I do a great Anita Bryant!
Byrne: No, no, no, no, no. John Davidson, big with the black audience!
Alan: [jumping up and down like a girl] Oh, I can do, I can do John Davidson!
Mommy…..Susan St. James Numpkin…..Eddie Murphy Fish…..Mary Gross Mike Rudell…..Tim Kazurinsky Burt…..Brad Hall
[Mommy holds a baby. Lullaby music plays in the background.]
Mommy: Okay, Charlie! Mommy’s gonna read you a little fairy tale! [opens book] Let’s see, where’s a really good one… Here’s one.Once upon a time, there lived a poor peasant named Numpkin, and one day poor Numpkin’s wife sent him down to the sea to catch a fish for their dinner, because they were so very, very hungry…
[Wipe to Numpkin with a fishing pole approaching a dock by the sea.]
Numpkin: Oh, I hope I catch a fish, otherwise my wife Bubbles will hit me with a spoon!
[Numpkin casts his line from the dock.]
Numpkin: Ooo, a nibble!
[Numpkin catches a fish.]
Numpkin: What an enormous fish! Such a fish could feed an entire village! Or give Bubbles a little snack…
[Fish spits water at Numpkin.]
Numpkin: You’re a nasty fish, ain’t ya!
Fish: Please good sir, do not eat me, I am a magical fish!
Numpkin: Zeus, it speaks!
Fish: Spare me, and I will give you three wishes!
Numpkin: Three wishes…
[Numpkin sits on the dock next to the fish.]
Fish: Yes, anything you desire in all the world can be yours! Interested?
Numpkin: Goodness, yes! I want a gold coach with a racing stripe with leopard interior and six black horses with… wait a minute, there’s a catch here, right? The same thing happened to my friend Potemkin, and I remember he was a woodcutter and he met this magical bush and the bush said he could have all these wishes and he wished for this giant goat, and the goat was a hundred feet high and it ate all his crops, then it dropped a big one on his wife! What you’re trying to do is teach me some lesson about greed, isn’t it?
Fish: No, no, oh please!
Numpkin: Alright fish, but you wait here for a second alright.
[Numpkin runs off.]
Fish: Strange peasant he that hesitates to accept my bounty. Perhaps I’ve overwhelmed the poor gentle soul with my generosity.
[Numpkin returns with Mike Rodell.]
Numpkin: Hey fish, this is my attorney Mike Rodell. He’s gonna be negotiating these wishes for me.
Fish: Say what?
Numpkin: You heard what I said. I ain’t no fool, I’m gonna cover my behind legally on this thing right here. Alright.
Mike Rudell: Alright then, let’s handle some of these contractual parameters here, OK. Regarding these proferred wishes: can my client opt to utilize one or more of these wishes to wish for more wishes?
Fish: Uh, no, not really…
Mike Rudell: Well, let’s get that in writing then, eh?
Numpkin: I want a cow!
Mike Rudell: Let me handle this, Numpkin. Suppose my client does wish for a cow. Could you legally, then, give him a cow that gives sour milk, or does the term “cow” prima facie denote a healthy bovine in all…
[Wipe to Mommy.]
Mommy: And they negotiated and they negotiated for weeks and weeks, until they had the most mutually acceptable contract in all the land. Finally, the great day came when Numpkin the peasant, hereafter referred to as the party of the first part, and the magical fish, hereafter referred to as the party of the second part, and Numpkin’s attorneys, Michael Rudell of the firm Flang, Rudell, and LeBuff, gathered together to sign their fine document.
[Wipe to the dock.]
Mike Rudell: Okay, I think we’ve got it here… let’s just look at the main clauses one more time, okay… pursuant to the three wishes, blah blah blah blah blah, okay, wish number one…
Numpkin: Look man, I just want my damn cow, alright!
Mike Rudell: Just sit tight, Numpkin, huh. The party of the second part agrees to supply the party of the first part with one Guernsey heifer guaranteed to be the largest in all the land, but not so large as to be physically unwieldy.
Numpkin: And I want the sucker to give more milk than any other cow in the land.
Fish: Absolutely!
Burt: Now, now, now, just a minute Numpkin! Now with that wording, Mike, correct me if I’m wrong, the cow could theoretically produce so much milk so as to float the entire village away and flood his hut.
Mike Rudell: Good point, Burt. We want a clause limiting the milk to a reasonable quantity.
Burt: Good move.
Fish: Fine! Damn!
Mike Rudell: To continue: wish number two. The party of the first part wishes to meet the king’s daughter. The above mentioned daughter at this time will be dressed in a leather corset revealing not less than 90% of the total area of her virginal pink flesh.
Numpkin: Don’t forget the boots and the chain drawers!
Mike Rudell: Yeah, you got it right away. Furthermore, the wife of the party of the first part, hereafter referred to as “Bubbles”, will not as a consequence of this wish hit the party of the first part with a spoon or any other kitchen implement.
Numpkin: Yeah, that bitch is crazy!
Fish: Agreed!
Mike Rudell: Well then, let’s just sign this, shall we?
Fish: Wait a minute, what’s the third wish?
Numpkin: Oh, the third wish is that you pay my lawyer, cause this dude is milking me dry.
Mike Rudell: Uh, that is correct. My fee is four wishes.
Fish: Four wishes! But I only gave him three, and he hauled me out of the sea!
Mike Rudell: You’ll pay me four, sister, or I’ll haul you to an appellate court, put the cow in escrow, and sell you to Mrs. Paul, alright?
Burt: Great move, Mike!
Mike Rudell: Thank you Numpkin…
Fish: I accept! I accept!
[Wipe to Mommy.]
Mommy: And the moral of the story is, it doesn’t pay to be greedy without competent legal … uh… representation. THE END, Charlie.
Mother…..Susan Saint James Eugene Beakman…..Gary Kroeger Father…..Joe Piscopo Buddy…..Brad Hall Leslie…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Lottery Spokesman…..Tim Kazurinsky
[Eugene is lounging in a chair in a living room, bored and listless]
Mother: Eugene, why don’t you go out and look for a job today?
Eugene: Nah. I don’t feel like doing much of anything.
Mother: Well, then, why don’t you go clean up your room?
Eugene: Nah.
Mother: Eugene, would like to sell your mother’s jewelry and buy yourself an expensive sports car?
Eugene: Nah.
Mother: Then do nothing, you good-for-nothing bum! All you ever do is sit around the house all day. You’re no son of mine. Look at your brother Frank: he’s twenty-nine years old and he has his own law firm. You’re twenty-six year old and you’re still living at home. It’s time for you to move out!
Eugene: Nah.
Father: Eunice, where’s the morning paper?
Mother: Look at your son, Harvey. He’s a good-for-nothing bum. He just sits around the house all day.
Father: Oh, hey, hey, hey. What’s the matter, sport? How’d you like to go outside and play some ball with the old man, huh?
Eugene: Nah.
Father: Well, you wanna go upstairs and help me put in the screen windows? I need some help, you know.
Eugene: Nah.
Father: I know; I know what you’d like. How’d you like a thousand dollars to go out and buy the best darn drum set around, huh? Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Eugene: Nah.
Father: Well, you go straight to Hell, you little bum. Your mothers right; you’re nothing but a bum. Why can’t you be more like your sister? She’s half your age and already a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford. Why don’t you just go crawl in a hole and die somewhere?
Eugene: Nah.
[Doorbell rings. Mother lets in Buddy and Leslie]
Mother: Hi.
Buddy: Hi, Ms. Beakman. Is Eugie here? Oh, hey, Eugie, how you doin’, man? You wanna go out and have some fun with your buddy?
Eugene: Nah.
Buddy: Well uh, Les and I are gonna go to the Cubs game. We got an extra ticket; how bout it? Huh?
Eugene: Nah.
Leslie: Awe, come on, Eugie. I’ll make non-stop love to you in the car on the way.
Eugene: Nah.
Leslie: Aw, you can go to Hell, Eugie.
Buddy: Yeah, Eugie, you’re a good-for-nothing. You’re a human waste.
Leslie: Why don’t you just go suck an egg?
Eugene: Nah.
Leslie: I’m getting out of here, Eugie.
Buddy: Yeah, me too. See ya.
[Lottery Spokesman is at door when they open it to leave]
Lottery Spokesman: Is this the home of Mr. Eugene Beakman?
Leslie: Oh, yeah, he’s right over there.
Lottery Spokesman: Well, Mr. Beakman, you are the winner of the Sunset House Golden 50th Anniversary Sweepstakes. You’ve just won one million dollars! That’s a thousand dollars a year for the rest of your life, every year.
Buddy: Oh my God! Eugie, way to go, buddy!
Leslie: Eugie, that is…
Lottery Spokesman: You will never have to work another day in your life. All you have to do is sign here.
Eugene: Nah.
Lottery Spokesman: Well, I need your signature to verify that you’ve won.
Eugene: Nah.
Lottery Spokesman: If you don’t sign this, I can’t give you the money.
Eugene: Nah.
Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together. Come on, man!
Lottery Spokesman: Oh, Mr. Beakman, don’t be an idiot! This is – this is a million dollars! You’ll never have to work another day in your life!
Eugene: [pauses for thought] Nah.
Lottery Spokesman: You’re the luckiest man alive! You’ve won…
Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together, man!
Leslie: Come on, wake up, Eugie.
Eugene: Nah.
Buddy: Eugie!
Leslie: Eugie!
Lottery Spokesman: Mr. Beakman!
[Eugene starts to exit]
Father: Eugene, come to your senses, son. What are you doin?
Mother: Eugene, where are you going?
Eugene: Mmm. Thought I’d go upstairs… diddle with my fiddle.
Air Date:
Montage
