Reagan and Deng XiaopingRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.
Eddie Murphy Kills Time
Michael McDonald performs “I Can’t Let Go Now”
Magic Fish NegotiationsSummary: Susan St. James reads her son a bedtime story about a peasant (Eddie Murphy) who catches a magic fish (Mary Gross) and hires lawyers (Tim Kazurinsky, Brad Hall) to protect his interests. Transcript
E. Eppy Doolittle…..Eddie Murphy Janine Dafur…..Robin Duke Guy in bed…..Joe Piscopo
[Opens with a smoky nightclub, some notes from a keyboard are playing. People at the tables. The owner is E.Eppy Doolitle. He talks slow and comes up from behind the bar. He has his fly open and his shirt pokes through it]
E. Eppy Doolittle: Hello, friends. I’m E. Eppy Doolittle and I want to invite you all to come to my beautiful Club Doolittle. Located at 7094 Jericho turnpike [Caption: Club Doolittle open 7 nights a week] at the beautiful cellar of the First National Bank Building. At Club Doolittle, you will enjoy all our culinary arts of our chef, Mr. E. Clinton Smith. [a black guy with a chef hat appears holding a burnt chicken on a plate] Who will prepare our specialty of Mason Doolittle, our very own, Char Chicken Jerky. Yum-yum. Come to the Cafe Doolittle [picture of two girls on a slide] where on Thursday nights there are two, two, two girls for every guy. Come one and all. This is Eppy talking. I will not steer you wrong. Come one and all on Tuesday nights at Club Doolittle. All you healthy guys will want to come on down and take a gander [Caption: No socks required at Club Doolittle] at Janine Dafur on the Casio Tone Keyboards.
[Janine looks like a beat up working gal, she plays the keyboards with a cigarette dangling from her lip. Eppy lifts the tip glass]
E.Eppy Doolittle: Tip but do not touch. She’s a beautiful girl, guys. So please, this is Eppy talking to you, I mean this, do not hurt her. She will play all your favorites if you treat her right. So come on down to Club Doolittle!
[Eppy points, Janine points half-hearted. Eppy goes to a table]
E.Eppy Doolittle: At Club Doolittle we also deliver to our special costumers free pastry for breakfast for no extra charge. [Eppy grabs a pastry from a table] Yummy-yum.
[He goes into a room and there’s a guy in bed in his underwear with two half naked girls]
[Caption: Wednesday night is bimbo night]
E.Eppy Doolittle: See what I mean about two, two, two girls for every guy? This guy picked up these two blond bombshells here at Club Doolittle. [Caption: Call Ep 1-8000]
[The girls smear frosting on the nose of the guy in bed. Piscopo grabs some frosting and smears Eddie’s face with frosting, Piscopo cracks up]
E.Eppy Doolittle: [continues] Need I say more? So come on down, I’m talking reservations. Me, E. Eppy Doolittle. Excuse me.
[Piscopo grabs Eddie’s hand, Eddie pulls away and walks out the room. Telephone rings]
E.Eppy Doolittle: Oh, the telephone. Hello, Phil. Its Phil Silvers, ladies and gentlemen. When did you get into town? Oh, I can’t tonight, Phil. There’s not a table in the house. Its a madhouse. Call me on Thursday when there’s two, two, two girls for every guy. Boy, you don’t have to take that attitude. What did you expect? You should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] That was Phil Silvers. We go back a long way. But there isn’t a table in the house, ladies and gentlemen. The place is packed. So come on down to Club Doolittle.
[Cake is thrown at him]
E.Eppy Doolittle: Charter a bus, grab a cab, hop on a bombshell. Get in anywhere you can.
[More cake and crap fly over his head]
E.Eppy Doolittle: The Club—
[more cake hits him, Eddie is cracking up and dodging stuff thrown at him]
E.Eppy Doolittle: Cut, cut. The Club Doolittle– [still of a couple getting cash from an ATM, Eddie can’t even talk] located at 7094 at the Jericho turnpike at the First National Bank Building which features a 24-hour cash machine, so get your cash, we don’t take credit cards at the Club Doolittle.
[More cake hits Eddie, Eddie throws cake back and he breaks character completely]
E.Eppy Doolittle: THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION!! [everyone is cracking up including Eddie] This show is live!! So, come on down to the Club Doolittle! There’s freelance limbo dancing and on Saturday nude women get in free. [more cake flies by, telephone rings] Hello, Bill. It’s Bill Bixby ladies and gentlemen. [Eddie ducks out of camera dodging more cake] Its a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. This is E. Eppy Doolittle talking. [Eddie looks at someone off camera and opens his mouth for a treat. The treat is thrown and it bounces off Eddie’s face] It’s a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] This is E.Eppy Doolittle.
[Someone throws a towel at Eddie, Eddie grabs it and runs out supposedly after Joe Piscopo]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 17 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
April 9th, 1983 Joan Rivers Musical Youth None David Susskind Clint Smith The Whiners At SNLSummary: Would-be audience members Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) arrive late for tonight’s broadcast of “Saturday Night Live.” Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.
Montage
Joan Rivers’ Monologue
The David Susskind ShowRecurring Characters: Buckwheat.
The EnquirerRecurring Characters: Alfalfa.
Dueling JoansRecurring Characters: Joan Rivers.
Oscar Statuettes
Calvin Klein Industrial Strength JeansRecurring Characters: Elizabeth Taylor.
Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer, James Watt.
Celebrities in 2040Summary: In the year 2040, Joan Rivers and Eddie Murphy run into one another while residing in the same nursing home.
Musical Youth performs “Pass the Dutchie”
Club DoolittleNote: Joe Piscopo provokes Eddie Murphy into breaking character by throwing cake at him from off-screen. Transcript
Buckwheat…..Eddie Murphy John David Stutts…..Eddie Murphy Ted Koppel…..Joe Piscopo
[FADE IN on footage from the previous week of Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat being shot.]
Announcer: Buckwheat dead: America mourns.
[CUT to blue logo of the words Mutual Life.]
Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.
[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Joe Piscopo as Ted Koppel.]
Ted Koppel: Good evening, Im Ted Koppel. Surely everyone knows by now that Buckwheat is dead. But for those of you who have not seen the videotape of Buckwheat being shot, lets take a look.
[CUT to the footage from the previous week of Buckwhat in front of his limo.]
Buckwheat: I nub nou! I nub nou! [grins and waves]
Voice: Hey. Mr. Wheat?
Buckwheat: Yes?
[Shots ring out, Buckwheat looks bewildered, and he slumps against the limo.]
[CUT to a long shot of a huge army in a military parade.]
Ted Koppel: Buckwheat was buried today, and the entire world mourns.
[CUT to a cannon being fired, and then CUT to footage of Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford and Henry Kissinger stepping off a plane and standing formally.]
Ted Koppel: World leaders gathered to offer a final tribute.
[CUT to soldiers goosestepping as the Funeral March plays in the background. CUT to shots of dignitaries at a funeral, and then to a closeup of Nancy Reagan and another of Princess Diana, who is dressed in a mourning veil. The music switches from the Funeral March to a few notes from the Our Gang theme. CUT to a royal guard with tears streaming down his face, then to a crowd of people holding a huge candlelight vigil.]
Ted Koppel: We now join millions of mourners around the world in observing a moment of silence.
[There is a bare second of silence, and then the news theme breaks back in, with the words BUCKWHEAT: THE MOMENT OF SILENCE.]
Announcer: This moment of silence is brought to you by Mutual Life.
[SUPERIMPOSE blue logo of the words Mutual Life over people lighting candles.]
Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.
[Show caption on screen, then CUT to Ted Koppel in the studio.]
Ted Koppel: Police have now identified Buckwheats assaliant.
[A photo of Eddie Murphy wearing a gray sweater and sitting blankly on a couch is projected on the screen.]
Ted Koppel: He is this man, 27-year-old John David Stutts, described by those who now him as a loner. We understand that Stutts is now being taken to criminal court for arraignment. Lets go there live.
[CUT to Eddie Murphy as Stutts, who is being led in handcuffs down a hallway. He is escorted by cops and attorneys while reporters aim microhpones at him.]
John David Stutts: [in a dreamy voice] Hello, its good to see you all. [to camera] Hi, I killed Buckwheat. And I have a question for the American public. When you dream, do you dream in color, or black and white? Cause I dream in black and white. [giggles] And last evening, I had a dream about lime Jello. I didnt know what flavor it was because it was gray. Then I tasted it, and then I realized it was lime. Definitely lime.
Reporter: Mr. Stutts, did you kill Buckwheat?
John David Stutts: Sure.
Reporter: Did you realize what would happen to you?
John David Stutts: I dont care, sir.
Reporter: Whyd you kill him, Mr. Stutts?
John David Stutts: Well, I had to kill him. My dog told me he was the Antichrist.
[Eddie passes a bare inch in front of the TV camera. PAN down him walking away down the hall as reporters squint and point their microphones toward him.]
John David Stutts: His names Petey, hes a Dalmatian.
Reporter: Dalmatian? What kind of Dalmatian?
John David Stutts: I named him after the dog on the Our Gang follies. His name was Petey.
[CUT back to Joe Piscopo as Koppel]
Ted Koppel: In just a moment, John David Stutts will face arraignment on charges of murder. Why did Stutts do it? Weve asked noted criminal psychiatrist Dr. Irwin Fletcher for his expert opinion.
[An older gentleman appears on the large ABC NIGHTLINE screen.]
Ted Koppel: Welcome, doctor. What makes a man like John David Stutts commit such a crime?
Fletcher: Publicity. In the deranged mind of the killer, he truly believes that, if he kills someone famous, hell become famous himself. [scoldingly] And, unfortunately, certain irresponsible members of the media are only too eager to turn these assassins into instant celebrities.
Ted Koppel: [nonplussed] Thank you, doctor. [turns to camera] Lets take a look at the man who killed Buckwheat: John David Stutts.
[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]
Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.
[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words Mutual Life.]
Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.
[FADE to black, then FADE IN on a photo of a white one-story house.]
Ted Koppel: [off camera] John David Stutts spent his childhood here in this modest home in Lima, Ohio.
[CUT to photo of Stutts sitting on his couch again. Photos of the Our Gang cast and a photo of Buckwheat from SNL are seen on the wall.]
Ted Koppel: Everyone who knew him called him a loner: a quiet young man.
[CUT to photo of a simple church.]
Ted Koppel: Stutts attended Sunday School at the Mercy Seat Baptist Church.
[A black minister sits at a desk with a Roman collar.]
Minister: He was a loner, and a quiet young man. He attended church, and Sunday School. I remember he was always very polite.
Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?
Minister: Oh, yes. Definitely. Thats all he talked about.
[CUT to the exterior of a brick school building.]
Ted Koppel: John David Stutts graduated from Unionville High School.
[CUT to a yearbook photo showing Stutts sitting alone at a desk. The caption above the photo reads, THE LONER.]
Ted Koppel: His classmates called him the loner.
[CUT to a photo of Eddie Murphys face pasted over some white guys face in a group shot from a yearbook.]
Ted Koppel: Stutts was a member of the Key Club…
[CUT to a similar photo of a smaller group.]
Ted Koppel: The Audio-Visual Squad…
[CUT to Stutts holding a rifle in front of a blackboard.]
Ted Koppel: And president of the Future Assassins of America.
[CUT to a formal yearbook photo of Stutts gazing dully into space. The caption below reads: John David Stutts, Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.]
Ted Koppel: Its no wonder that his classmates chose him, Most Likely to Kill Buckwheat.
[CUT to a middle-aged, mustached man in a blue windbreaker standing in front of gas pumps.]
Gas Station Attendant: [in New England accent] Sure, I remember Stutts. He was a loner, but a real hard worker. I mean, he pumped the gas, he checked the oil, he washed the windows. Nice kid.
Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?
Man: Oh, yes, definitely. Thats all he talked about. I remember one day I says, uh, Stutts, why are you working so hard? He says, Cause Im saving up to buy a gun, so I can kill Buckwheat. [shrugs]
[CUT to a tailor hemming the cuffs on a pair of slacks.]
Tailor: John was a quiet boy, a kind of a loner. But real polite. He always stood still when I hemmed his cuffs. Nice kid.
Ted Koppel: Do you believe he killed Buckwheat?
Tailor: Oh, yes, definitely. Thats all he ever talked about. Why, just the other day, he comes in and he says, Saul, make me a new suit. Im going to kill Buckwheat, and I want to look good on television.
[CUT to the still photo of Stutts gazing dully from the couch.]
Announcer: John David Stutts: The Man Behind the Gun.
[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words Mutual Life.]
Announcer: Brought to you by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.
Ted Koppel: [in studio] We have just learned that John David Stutts has been arraigned and is being returned to his jail cell. Lets go there right now, live.
[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before. A cop ahead of him motions for reporters not to ask any questions.]
John David Stutts: Oh, the reporters are back! Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello, its good to see you all. Hello.
[Stutts is led around a corner]
Voice: Stutts!
[A second later, a man in a trenchcoat and a fedora reaches out with a pistol, a la Jack Ruby, and shoots Stutts in the stomach. Reporters scream as Stutts and another reporter go down.]
John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! Im shot!
Ted Koppel: [in studio] There you have it! John David Stutts, accused assassin of Buckwheat, has been shot right here before your eyes!
[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]
Announcer: The shooting of John David Stutts.
[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words Mutual Life.]
Announcer: Brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life: because you could die tomorrow.
Ted Koppel: For those of you who missed it, John David Stutts, accused killer of Buckwheat, has been shot live on this program! Now, lets take another look.
[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway as before.]
John David Stutts: Hello. Good to see everyone who came back. Hello. Its good to see you all. Hello.
Ted Koppel: Hes coming through… the shots come right about here.
[Stutts is shot.]
John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! Im shot!
Ted Koppel: [in studio] Ive just been told that John David Stutts is dead!
[CUT to footage of Stutts being shot.]
Announcer: The death of John David Stutts has been brought to you LIVE by Mutual Life:
[SHOW caption of those words, then logo of the words Mutual Life.]
Announcer: Because you could die tomorrow.
[SHOW words, Just like John David Stutts.]
Announcer: Just like John David Stutts.
Ted Koppel: [in studio] John David Stutts lies dead. How did he die? Lets take a look.
[CUT to Stutts being led back down the hallway and getting shot.]
Ted Koppel: And there are the shots.
John David Stutts: Ooooouuuch! Im shot!
Ted Koppel: And so two famous men lie dead: Buckwheat and John David Stutts. Well be here tomorrow night and every night for as long as this senseless killing continues. This is Ted Koppel. Good night.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 16 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
March 19th, 1983 Robert Guillaume Duran Duran None None Buckwheat DeadSummary: Ted Koppel (Joe Piscopo) profiles the life of Buckwheat’s (Eddie Murphy) assassin, John David Stutts (Eddie Murphy). Recurring Characters: Ted Kopel, Buckwheat. Transcript
Montage
Robert Guillaume’s Monologue
Clysler-Prymouth FloormatsRecurring Characters: Lee Iacocca.
Old South Slave Songs
Heil Hits
The Mrs. T Birthday SpecialRecurring Characters: Mrs. T, Mr. T, Steve Lawrence.
I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.
Saturday Night News with Brad HallRecurring Characters: Patti Lynn Hunnsacker.
(Open on a stiill of Buckwheat on a gray background with Byron Allen’s face pasted onto his body. The background is decorated with miniature red NBC peacock logos, representing the 1982-83 network promo graphics. THE BUCKWHEAT STORY is shown on top and “Thursday 9:00/8:00 central” is on the bottom.)
Announcer V/O: Coming Thursday night at 9:00, The Buckwheat Story, a world premiere movie starring Byron Allen. Otay!
[ a broadcast of the “Donny & Marie” St. Patrick’s Day Special” is interrupted by a breaking news story ] [ cue Ted Koppel reporting from the ABC newsroom ]
Ted Koppel: We have just received word that Buckwheat has been shot. Apparently, it happened just moments ago as the legendary performer was leaving 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York. He had just finished making an appearance on “Saturday Night Live”, and as he was leaving the building, he was shot by an unknown assailant, or assailants.. details are sketchy at this point. [ grabs earpiece ] Now, I understand that we now have a videotape of the shooting – let’s take a look.
[ videotape plays on monitor to Ted’s left ]
[ Buckwheat and his entourage exit 30 Rockefeller Plaza amongst a myriad of fans ]
Autograph Seeker: Oh, Mr. Buckwheat, I so love your singing, could I have your autograph..?
Buckwheat: Thank you very much. No autographs, pease, pease.. [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou! [ stands just outside of his limo ]
Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!
Buckwheat: Yes.
[ suddenly, two shots ring out, as Buckwheat staggers and his bodyguards run into the startled crowd to tackle the mysterious assailant – cameras zoom back to see the limo peel away in a mad rush to the hospital. ]
[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: That was the scene just moments ago. To repeat:Buckwheat has been shot. We understand that he has been rushed to a nearby hospital, his condition unknown. We’ll bring you more details as the shocking tragedy develops.
[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]
Announcer: The Shooting of Buckwheat: America Stunned. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.
[ cut to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: For the benefit of those of you who have just joined us, Buckwheat has been shot. Let’s take a look.
[ cut back to footage of Buckwheat ]
Buckwheat: [ to crowd ] I nub nou! I nub nou!
Ted Koppel: Here he is, coming out of what appears to be 30 Rockefeller Plaza.. there he is. Now, the shots come right about.. here..
Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!
Buckwheat: Yes.
[ shots ring out ]
Ted Koppel: There they are. Now, I have just been told that Buckwheat has just arrived at St. Vincent’s Hospital. Let’s go there, live. [ monitor over Ted’s left shoulder shows the camera zooming through the crowded hall at St. Vincent’s Hospital ] Alright.. now, as you can see, several of Buckwheat’s friends are already there..
[ camera discovers fellow “Our Gang” alum, Alfalfa, talking to a woman in the hall ]
Alfalfa: I can’t believe it! I can’t believe theyshot him, it’s just terrible..!
Ted Koppel: [ interrupting ] Alfalfa, have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat being shot?
Alfalfa: No, I haven’t!
Ted Koppell: Then, let’s take a look.
[ video footage plays once again ]
Voice in the Crowd: Hey, Mr. Wheat!
Buckwheat: Yes.
[ the shots ring out ]
Ted Koppel: Alfalfa, what are your feelings as you watch that?
Alfalfa: [ distressed ] Oh-h-h-h.. I’m hurt.. and confu-u-used.. and I don’t know what to say.. no comment! [ camera moves on ]
Ted Koppel: Alfalfa obviously stunned by this tragic turn of events. Alright, we’re going inside now.. [ camera focuses on doctors performing emergency surgery on Buckwheat ] Buckwheat, as you can see, going under the knife. Doctor, excuse me.. this is Ted Koppel. Have you had a chance to see the actual footage of Buckwheat as he was shot?
Doctor: [ looking up from surgery ] No. I haven’t.
Ted Koppel: Well, then, let’s take a look.
[ cut to video footage yet again ]
Ted Koppel: There he is, about to get into his limosine.. and, uh.. [ footage plays in slow-motion, as Buckwheat is shot ] ..at 30 Rock.. it speaks for itself… buckwheat being shot. To repeat: Buckwheat has been shot. He’s now in emergency surgery, and all we Americans can do is wait and worry.
[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]
Announcer: Emergency Surgery: America Waits and Worries. [ dissolve to Texxon graphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there.
[ cut to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppell: We have just.. we have just received some tragic news.. Buckwheat.. is dead.
[ cut to news graphic featuring still image of Buckwheat being shot ]
Announcer: Buckwheat Dead: America Mourns. [ dissolve to Texxongraphic ] Brought to you by Texxon. Life goes on. And Texxon is there. Because Buckwheat would have wanted it that way.
[ cut to Ted Koppel ]
Ted Koppel: For those of you, just joining us.. Buckwheat is dead. How did he die? Let’s take a look. [ footage plays again ]
Buckwheat: I nub nou!
Ted Koppel: Alright, now.. as you can see – there it is.. [ shots ring out ] ..it looks like the shots came from Buckwheat’s left side.. there are the security men.. going right after the assailant, or assailants.. we’re not quite sure, as of yet. Who killed Buckwheat, and why? Good questions. We intend to be here tomorrow night, and every night, until those questions are answered. Until then, we pay a final tribute to a great performer.
[ a montage of Buckwheat moments throughout the years is shown, right up to the fatal assassination that just took place moments earlier ]
Ted Koppel: Buckwheat dead. This is Ted Koppell reporting. We now return you to our normal programming. Good night.
Voice-over: A new community center for senior citizens. A lifesaving clinic for treating athsmatic children. A free job training program for unemployed veterans. What do they all have in common?
(Texxon logo shown on screen)
Texxon oil. Grants from the Texxon foundation paid for them all.
(shows news magazines with front-page stories about extravangant oil company profits)
So when we hear a lot of loose talk about “price fixing” and “windfallprofits,” it worries us. We want to go on helping the needy.
(cut to scene of protesters in front of Capitol Hill, demanding regulations and taxes on oil companies)
So the next time you take an irresponsible swipe at an oil company,remember, who’s going to feel the pinch first?
Elderly man: If anything happens to the oil depletion allowance, I’m as good as dead.
Unemployed Veteran: If these dudes don’t get some offshore oil leases, I’ll be back on the streets. And I’ll be mad.
Athsmatic Little Girl: Please don’t pull the plug on me. Support the deregulation of natural gas.
(background music turns dramatic, logo and motto appear on screen)
Voice-over: Texxon. Do what we say, and nobody gets hurt.
]]>
Air Date:
The Exercises of LoveRecurring Characters: Velvet Jones.
