Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 8: Episode 17
82q: Joan Rivers / Musical Youth
Club Doolittle
E. Eppy Doolittle…..Eddie Murphy
Janine Dafur…..Robin Duke
Guy in bed…..Joe Piscopo
E. Eppy Doolittle: Hello, friends. I’m E. Eppy Doolittle and I want to invite you all to come to my beautiful Club Doolittle. Located at 7094 Jericho turnpike [Caption: Club Doolittle open 7 nights a week] at the beautiful cellar of the First National Bank Building. At Club Doolittle, you will enjoy all our culinary arts of our chef, Mr. E. Clinton Smith. [a black guy with a chef hat appears holding a burnt chicken on a plate] Who will prepare our specialty of Mason Doolittle, our very own, Char Chicken Jerky. Yum-yum. Come to the Cafe Doolittle [picture of two girls on a slide] where on Thursday nights there are two, two, two girls for every guy. Come one and all. This is Eppy talking. I will not steer you wrong. Come one and all on Tuesday nights at Club Doolittle. All you healthy guys will want to come on down and take a gander [Caption: No socks required at Club Doolittle] at Janine Dafur on the Casio Tone Keyboards.
[Janine looks like a beat up working gal, she plays the keyboards with a cigarette dangling from her lip. Eppy lifts the tip glass]E.Eppy Doolittle: Tip but do not touch. She’s a beautiful girl, guys. So please, this is Eppy talking to you, I mean this, do not hurt her. She will play all your favorites if you treat her right. So come on down to Club Doolittle!
[Eppy points, Janine points half-hearted. Eppy goes to a table]E.Eppy Doolittle: At Club Doolittle we also deliver to our special costumers free pastry for breakfast for no extra charge. [Eppy grabs a pastry from a table] Yummy-yum.
E.Eppy Doolittle: See what I mean about two, two, two girls for every guy? This guy picked up these two blond bombshells here at Club Doolittle. [Caption: Call Ep 1-8000] [The girls smear frosting on the nose of the guy in bed. Piscopo grabs some frosting and smears Eddie’s face with frosting, Piscopo cracks up]
E.Eppy Doolittle: [continues] Need I say more? So come on down, I’m talking reservations. Me, E. Eppy Doolittle. Excuse me.
[Piscopo grabs Eddie’s hand, Eddie pulls away and walks out the room. Telephone rings]E.Eppy Doolittle: Oh, the telephone. Hello, Phil. Its Phil Silvers, ladies and gentlemen. When did you get into town? Oh, I can’t tonight, Phil. There’s not a table in the house. Its a madhouse. Call me on Thursday when there’s two, two, two girls for every guy. Boy, you don’t have to take that attitude. What did you expect? You should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] That was Phil Silvers. We go back a long way. But there isn’t a table in the house, ladies and gentlemen. The place is packed. So come on down to Club Doolittle.
[Cake is thrown at him]E.Eppy Doolittle: Charter a bus, grab a cab, hop on a bombshell. Get in anywhere you can.
[More cake and crap fly over his head]E.Eppy Doolittle: The Club—
[more cake hits him, Eddie is cracking up and dodging stuff thrown at him]E.Eppy Doolittle: Cut, cut. The Club Doolittle– [still of a couple getting cash from an ATM, Eddie can’t even talk] located at 7094 at the Jericho turnpike at the First National Bank Building which features a 24-hour cash machine, so get your cash, we don’t take credit cards at the Club Doolittle.
[More cake hits Eddie, Eddie throws cake back and he breaks character completely]E.Eppy Doolittle: THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION!! [everyone is cracking up including Eddie] This show is live!! So, come on down to the Club Doolittle! There’s freelance limbo dancing and on Saturday nude women get in free. [more cake flies by, telephone rings] Hello, Bill. It’s Bill Bixby ladies and gentlemen. [Eddie ducks out of camera dodging more cake] Its a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. This is E. Eppy Doolittle talking. [Eddie looks at someone off camera and opens his mouth for a treat. The treat is thrown and it bounces off Eddie’s face] It’s a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] This is E.Eppy Doolittle.
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel