SNL Transcripts: Joan Rivers: 04/09/83: Club Doolittle


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 17

82q: Joan Rivers / Musical Youth

Club Doolittle

E. Eppy Doolittle…..Eddie Murphy
Janine Dafur…..Robin Duke
Guy in bed…..Joe Piscopo

[Opens with a smoky nightclub, some notes from a keyboard are playing. People at the tables. The owner is E.Eppy Doolitle. He talks slow and comes up from behind the bar. He has his fly open and his shirt pokes through it]

E. Eppy Doolittle: Hello, friends. I’m E. Eppy Doolittle and I want to invite you all to come to my beautiful Club Doolittle. Located at 7094 Jericho turnpike [Caption: Club Doolittle open 7 nights a week] at the beautiful cellar of the First National Bank Building. At Club Doolittle, you will enjoy all our culinary arts of our chef, Mr. E. Clinton Smith. [a black guy with a chef hat appears holding a burnt chicken on a plate] Who will prepare our specialty of Mason Doolittle, our very own, Char Chicken Jerky. Yum-yum. Come to the Cafe Doolittle [picture of two girls on a slide] where on Thursday nights there are two, two, two girls for every guy. Come one and all. This is Eppy talking. I will not steer you wrong. Come one and all on Tuesday nights at Club Doolittle. All you healthy guys will want to come on down and take a gander [Caption: No socks required at Club Doolittle] at Janine Dafur on the Casio Tone Keyboards.

[Janine looks like a beat up working gal, she plays the keyboards with a cigarette dangling from her lip. Eppy lifts the tip glass]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Tip but do not touch. She’s a beautiful girl, guys. So please, this is Eppy talking to you, I mean this, do not hurt her. She will play all your favorites if you treat her right. So come on down to Club Doolittle!

[Eppy points, Janine points half-hearted. Eppy goes to a table]

E.Eppy Doolittle: At Club Doolittle we also deliver to our special costumers free pastry for breakfast for no extra charge. [Eppy grabs a pastry from a table] Yummy-yum.

[He goes into a room and there’s a guy in bed in his underwear with two half naked girls] [Caption: Wednesday night is bimbo night]

E.Eppy Doolittle: See what I mean about two, two, two girls for every guy? This guy picked up these two blond bombshells here at Club Doolittle. [Caption: Call Ep 1-8000] [The girls smear frosting on the nose of the guy in bed. Piscopo grabs some frosting and smears Eddie’s face with frosting, Piscopo cracks up]

E.Eppy Doolittle: [continues] Need I say more? So come on down, I’m talking reservations. Me, E. Eppy Doolittle. Excuse me.

[Piscopo grabs Eddie’s hand, Eddie pulls away and walks out the room. Telephone rings]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Oh, the telephone. Hello, Phil. Its Phil Silvers, ladies and gentlemen. When did you get into town? Oh, I can’t tonight, Phil. There’s not a table in the house. Its a madhouse. Call me on Thursday when there’s two, two, two girls for every guy. Boy, you don’t have to take that attitude. What did you expect? You should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] That was Phil Silvers. We go back a long way. But there isn’t a table in the house, ladies and gentlemen. The place is packed. So come on down to Club Doolittle.

[Cake is thrown at him]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Charter a bus, grab a cab, hop on a bombshell. Get in anywhere you can.

[More cake and crap fly over his head]

E.Eppy Doolittle: The Club—

[more cake hits him, Eddie is cracking up and dodging stuff thrown at him]

E.Eppy Doolittle: Cut, cut. The Club Doolittle– [still of a couple getting cash from an ATM, Eddie can’t even talk] located at 7094 at the Jericho turnpike at the First National Bank Building which features a 24-hour cash machine, so get your cash, we don’t take credit cards at the Club Doolittle.

[More cake hits Eddie, Eddie throws cake back and he breaks character completely]

E.Eppy Doolittle: THIS IS LIVE TELEVISION!! [everyone is cracking up including Eddie] This show is live!! So, come on down to the Club Doolittle! There’s freelance limbo dancing and on Saturday nude women get in free. [more cake flies by, telephone rings] Hello, Bill. It’s Bill Bixby ladies and gentlemen. [Eddie ducks out of camera dodging more cake] Its a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. This is E. Eppy Doolittle talking. [Eddie looks at someone off camera and opens his mouth for a treat. The treat is thrown and it bounces off Eddie’s face] It’s a madhouse! Well, you should’ve booked in advance. [hangs up] This is E.Eppy Doolittle.

[Someone throws a towel at Eddie, Eddie grabs it and runs out supposedly after Joe Piscopo] [Cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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