Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Samurai Dry Cleaners

Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Male Customer…..Charles Grodin

[ open on interior, dry cleaners, Futaba standing behind open press ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of…

[ Futaba slams the press down and yells as steam pours out ]

Announcer: “Samurai Dry Cleaner”.

[ Futaba holds up the pressed obi and admires his work, as a couple enters ]

Female Customer: Uh — excuse me, uh — we’re here to pick up our shirts? You said you’d have them ready by today.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: Oh, uh, yes — Dear, do you have the ticket?

Male Customer: Uh — yes. [ he reaches into his pocket ] Here.

Female Customer: There yo go.

Futaba: Ah!

[ Futaba glances at the ticket, then begins to thrust his samurai sword at a rackful of clothes hanging ]

Charles Grodin: [ breaking character, impressed ] Look how he handles the sword.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Shhhhh.

[ Futaba grunts as he crooks the shirt on the sword and carries it to the counter ]

Female Customer: Oh, that’s wonderful! You did a great job! [ she looks over the shirt ] Oh, wait a minute, look at that spot.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Right there! Look at that! I mean, you said you could get that out!

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: I mean, you PROMISED! I was COUNTING on it!

[ Futaba screams and holds his hari-kari in front of his chest ]

Female Customer: NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE!!

[ Futaba holds his pose and looks up at her with a worried expression on his face ]

Female Customer: It’s not that important!

[ Futaba pulls the sword away and wipes his brow in relief ]

Futaba: [ grunts a question ]

Female Customer: Oh, yeah, that’s a great idea! We’d love it in a box!

Charles Grodin: [ leaning in ] How do you understand what he’s saying?

Gilda Radner: Shhhh!

[ Futaba chuckles, then grabs the shirt and a disassembled box, throws them into the air and thrusts his sword at them with a yell. He then reaches behind the counter to pick up a giftwrapped box with the shirt inside. ]

Charles Grodin: [ studying the scene ] That was pre-arranged, wasn’t it?

Gilda Radner: Shhhhh!

Futaba: Hmm?

Charles Grodin: No, I mean, it had to be. You had to have it propped down there, because… it’s a GREAT gag, but it had to be placed down there and brought up to you, right?

[ Grodin retreats as Radner and Belushi give him dirty looks before proceeding with the scene ]

Female Customer: Um — listen — I’d like to know, how much do you charge for bedspreads?

Charles Grodin: Uhhhh… [ he attempts to read Belushi’s line on the cue cards ]

Gilda Radner: Chuuuuuck! Chuck! Those are John’s lines!

Charles Grodin: Oh. [ reading ] “John”. Oh, I’m sorry. You know, John, it’s such an INCREDIBLE character that… I’m sorry! You’re very, very good at this character! It’s just that… it’s terrific make-up, it’s very authentic. Excuse me. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

Gilda Radner: [ to Belushi, as her character ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ she turns to Grodin ] Come on. Let’s go, Chuck.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Charles Grodin: It’s a funny idea, John. It’s an excellent scene.

Gilda Radner: Come on, let’s go…

[ Radner shuffles Grodin out the door, as a disgusted Futaba raises his sword and slices the counter in two ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of… “Samurai Dry Cleaner”!

[ the camera shakily pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: “Prime Time Audience Reject” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Charles Grodin’s Monologue

…..Charles Grodin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Grodin!

Charles Grodin: Thank you very much. [ nervously ] I-I-I didn’t know that there would be an audience here. How many of you know that this is LIVE? [ the audience laughs, then claps enthusiastically ] You know… I-I’ve never seen the “Saturday Night” show… but, uh… I hear it’s a wonderful, wonderful show! Uh — I wish I had more time during the week to rehearse, and… really work on all the skits with the gang here, but… how can you come to New York and… and not see at least a couple of Broadway shows? And… I had NEVER been to the top of the World Trade Center, and, uh… you know, it’s higher than the Empire State Building? It takes FOREVER to get to the top, but you can see all of New York, and, uh… a lot of New Jersey… I think even part of Connecticut. It’s a TREMENDOUS view! So, uh… I-I haven’t been around too much this week, but, uh… I think they’ve got me in some CRAZY skits, and, uh… while I’ve been here doing some promos for the show, I-I’ve seen the kids rehearsing, and, uh… i-it looks like a really cute show! Uh — I’m gonna have a wonderful time, and, uh… I hope you do, too! Uh — w-we’ll be right back? [ he nods nervously and shrugs ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Judy Miller

Judy Miller…..Gilda Radner
Judy’s Mom…..Jane Curtin

[Judy opens her door but is still facing downstairs.]

Judy: OK BUT AS SOON AS YOUR BRIDGE GAMES OVER I’M COMING DOWN STAIRS!

[Slams door. Then opens door again.]

Judy: I DIDNT MEAN TO SLAM IT!

[Slams door again. Leans agains door.]

Judy: I AM SO BORED! BECAUSE… [jumps forward] MY [jumps forward] ROOM [jumps forward and throws bag] IS [jumps forward] THE [jumps forward]BORING [jumps forward] ROOM [jumps forward] OF [jumps closer to bed] THE [jumps back on bed] WORLD!

Judy: [flings head about] this is my room and this is my house and this is my lawn and this is my lawn and my street and this is my steet and this is my town and this is my country and this is my planet earth and this is my [flings herself so her head is hanging off the side of the bed] i universe and this is my i dont know A-lalalalalala.

Judy: [gettting off bed and onto floor by stuffed animals and tea set] AND NOW ITS TIME FOR THE JUDY MILLER SHOW! [Singing] OH ITS THE SHOW OF THE WAY ITS THE SHOW OF THE DAY AND I AM IN YES I AM AND ITS THE SHOW OF YOUR LIFE ITS THE JUDY MILLER SHOW! AND NOW PRESENTING [leaps onto bed] THE STAR OF THE SHOW [jumps off bed and over to her dresser puts big white skirt on head while going “dunt dunta dunta..] THE PERSON WHO IS ALSO A BRIDE! NAMED JUDY ARLEEN MILLER! [climbs back on bed] HELLO! I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD [she walks in circles on her bed while saying this] YES I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE THE EXPESSIALLY EVERYBODY LOVES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD [when she says world she jumps back on to her pillow]. AND HERE COMES MY HUSBAD [picks up stuffed donkey in overalls and makes him gallop towrds her]

Judy: [speaking as stuffed animal] Would you marry me? [as self] oh [giggles] yes. [as stuffed animal] OH DARLING [she kisses the toy and rolls around on the bed while kissing it][pulls self away] AND WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSER! [climbs down off bed, pulls the skirt off her head and moves over to stuffed animals with tea set] [grabs cracker] THIS IS THE FOOD THAT IS REALLY THE GOOD FOOD THAT IS REALLY DELISIOUS AND NUTRISIOS [stuffs cracker in stuffed animals mouth] AND IS SO SMOOTH AND CREAMY[eats cracker] MMM GOOD! HERES THE THING THAT IS SOO SMOOTH AND CREAMY THAT EVERYBODY LOVES AND SO YOU SHOULD GET IT! AND NOW BACK TO THE SHOW!

Judy: [jumps on bed] THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON THAT IS JUMPING UP SO HIGH CAN SHE [cant hear what she says] CAN SHE TOUCH THE SKY! [stops jumping] AND NOW PRESENTING [jumps off bed and into closet where she ties a robe around her so it looks like a dress and going “dunt dunta dunta”. she comes out of her closet] PRESENTING… THE VERY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF FRANCE [speaks french gibirsh crawls over bed and over to the tea set] BUT WHAT THE QUEEN DOESNT KNOW IS THAT WHOS COMING IS THE VERY WICKED QUEEN OF GERMANY. QUEEN [german giberish] AND HERE SHE COMES [in german accent] I AM GOING TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! [gets up. as queen of france] NO NO NO NO DONT KILL MY FAMILY [leaps into door] AH! WE’LL HAVE TO RUN TO INDIA! [runs back into door] AH! WE’LL HAVE TO RUN TO FRACE! [runs back into door] NO WE’LL HAVE TO RUN TO BOLIVIA! [runs into door] NO! AH! [ext. she keep running into the door then jumps onto bed and jumps up and down] AHH!

Judy’s Mom: JUDY! WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE?

Judy: [sits up] Nothing… [quietly goes over to tea set and wispers] this is the show about a person who is also a wonderful bunderful BALLET DANCER! [gets up and twirls around room] YES SHE IS A BALLET DANCER! DA DA DA DA DA DA!

Judy’s Mom: JUDY BE QUIET!

[Judy stops and leans over bed to her stuffed animals]

Judy: On the Judy Miller Show… the end.

[Judy falls down.]

Submitted by: Erin Nielsen

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Hire the Incompetent

…..Charles Grodin
Bag Boy…..Bill Murray
Air Traffic Controller…..Laraine Newman
Rosanne Rosannadanna…..Gilda Radner
…..Lorne Michaels

[FADE IN on Charles Grodin alone from the waist up against a rosy purple background.]

Charles Grodin: I’m here to speak to you tonight on behalf of a discriminated people who you deal with daily, but who you don’t hear much about. I’m speaking, of course, of the incompetent.

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: Every year, thousands and thousands of perfectly nice, incompetent people are fired from their jobs merely because they lack the qualities to do these jobs well. And why? Why should someone who is already good at their job win out over someone who is poor at theirs? Effective workers don’t need the job. They already know how to do it. If they’re such hot stuff, why don’t they try doing something they’re bad at? How will society ever grow if people are just hired to do what they already do well? Just listen to these heartbreaking testamonies.

[CUT to a man in a sweater vest.]

Man: [in heavy Chicago accent] Um, I worked at this supermarket, packing groceries in the brown bags for customers… and I kept putting fragiles, like eggs and tomatoes, on the bottom… and, uh, heavy stuff, like ten-pound bags of kitty litter, and economy-sized cans of bean–beans on the top… and heavy stuff would CRUSH the soft stuff, y’know, just smash it. And the slime would drip out the bottom of the bag, and spill all over these ladies’ good coats… and they’d get really cheesed off and complain about me. But that’s just the way my mind works, y’know: eggs bottom, cans top. And y’know, if that’s such a crime, go ahead–PUT me on welfare.

[CUT to a woman in a sweater and a blouse.]

Woman: I used to work as an air traffic controller at Kennedy… and it was my job to watch the radar screen and radio landing instructions to the pilots, like… [chuckles] …Ray, and Jim, Lyle, and Derek.

[laughter]

Woman: And like, if you could have SEEN these guys, I mean, they were SO CUTE! And like there was this one time, there’s this really big storm, and Dirk, this pilot I was seeing at the time, who was only SO FINE… uh, he yells at me over the headset, “Where’s the runway?” And I said, “Where were you Saturday night?”

[laughter]

Woman: So he makes this B.F.D. with the FAA, and I get fired!

[CUT to Rosanne Rosannadanna, in her first incarnation. She wears her trademark frizzy hair and a flowered blouse.]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: I. uh… I was fired from my job makin’ burgers in the back kitchen at Burgerland… because a lotta customers complained’ about hair in their burgers.

[laughter and applause]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: Now… I could take it when the boss would ask, “How do ya make ’em, like this?”

[She sticks her right hand in her left armpit. Audience laughs riotously.]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: LOOK! I’m no jerk, I wouldn’t do that. It was hair–it was HEAD hair, it wasn’t PIT hair.

[laughter]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: What was I supposed ta do, wear a bathin’ cap ta work? Hah, hah, hah! Besides… there’s a lot worse things that could be in burgers.

[She sticks her finger in her ear as the audience chortles. CUT back to Grodin watching in disbelief over laughter and applause.]

Charles Grodin: Uhhhh… Isn’t this a pathetic waste of ineptitude? Believe me, I know how they feel. Look at me. They hired me as host, and you couldn’t exactly call me competent–wait, I’ve never seen these cue cards before.

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: I’d never be saying these things about myself, or anyone incompetent. Gee, y’know, it’s perfectly clear by now that no one really appreciates the time I put in at the sweater counter at Saks alone. Lorne? Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: [over intercom] Yes, Chuck?

Charles Grodin: I–this is–to talk about incompetent, this taste thing, this is a perfect spot for me to do my song. I don’t see why… Is there some time?

Lorne Michaels: I think there may be enough time. Go ahead, Chuck.

Charles Grodin: Okay. Now this is–bring a little, you know.

[sings a capella]

“Help a person, be a friend,Hang on till the very end,A car, TV, some cake, a wife,These are my feelings about life.”

[applause]

Charles Grodin: Thank you.

Lorne Michaels: That was wonderful, Chuck. Thank you.

Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you, Lorne. Thank you.

[SUPERIMPOSE “HIRE THE INCOMPETENT” over a quietly pleased Grodin.]

Don Pardo: Hire the incompetent.

[Grodin peers around the caption and gazes into the audience. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Goodnights

…..Charles Grodin

Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you, everybody, uh, you’ve been a wonderful audience. As you see, this is just kidding. Right, John?

John Belushi: Yeah, I was spacing out, man…

Charles Grodin: Sure! Yeah, right — just a joke! Thank you to Paul, and to Art, and to… and to, uh… [ looks behind him to see whose hands are wrapped around his waist, as Laraine Newman pops her head out from behind his back ] And to Laraine, and, uh, everybody, and the Persuasions. And you’ve been a wonderful audience, it’s been a terrific night for us!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back two weeks from tonight, November 12th, when our host will be Ray Charles with guest Franklin Ajaye. Don’t forget to set your clocks back. This is Don “Trick or Treat” Pardo with my annual Halloween message to America: “BOO!!” Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Simon & Garfunkel

…..Charles Grodin
…..Paul Simon
…..Art Garfunkel

[ open on Paul Simon strumming his guitar onstage next to Charles Grodin, who’s wearing an obvious Art Garfunkel wig ]

[ Simon begins to sing “The Sound of Silence”, as Grodin clumsily tries to keep up ]

Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain…”

[ Simon stops playing and turns to Grodin ]

Paul Simon: Can I ask you a question?

Charles Grodin: Sure.

Paul Simon: Why are we doing this?

Charles Grodin: Well… you know, they cut my film clip way down. And I really don’t feel I have all that much to do on the show, so I-I-I-I’d really apprecia– Could we just… a little…?

[ Simon reluctantly strums his guitar and continues to sing, with Grodin struggling to keep up and get most of the words right ]

Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turn my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash…”

[ Simon stops once again ]

Paul Simon: Chuck, you don’t even know the lyrics!

Charles Grodin: Well… I really — I’m learning them as we’re going.

Paul Simon: Chuck, this is live television. This is not the time to be learning.

Charles Grodin: I — I’m much more familiar with what’s coming up. Could we just, a little… a little more?

[ Simon begins to strum his guitar, but then quickly stops ]

Paul Simon: You know… and another thing — the wig! Why are you wearing this wig? It looks like an Art Garfunkel wig.

Charles Grodin: Oh, it is an Art Garfunkel wig.

Paul Simon: But why?

Charles Grodin: Well… I-I-I just thought it would help me get into it a little better.

Paul Simon: It’s very disquieting, to me, to see out of the corner of my eye, these blond, curly hairs singing this song.

Charles Grodin: Oh. [ he hangs his head in shame ]

Paul Simon: You know, Chuck, I must say this — you are a very well-known actor… you’re a director…

Charles Grodin: And writer.

Paul Simon: — You’re a writer… as well… and I don’t see why you feel that you must sing.

Charles Grodin: Well… clearly, clearly, I’ve made you uncomfortable, and I —

Paul Simon: Well, no, no…

Charles Grodin: No, and this is obviously an idea whose…

Paul Simon: Time has not come?

Charles Grodin: Has not come.

Paul Simon: Not come. No.

Charles Grodin: Well — listen, I’m sorry. You know? As the host, I should be trying to make you comfortable, and I’ve made you uncomfortable.

Paul Simon: No, that’s alright… don’t mention it. [ he unplugs his guitar ] And I think that the time you save now, could be put to much better use later on in the show.

Charles Grodin: Well…

Paul Simon: [ he stands ] So…

Charles Grodin: Thank you for putting up with me as long as you did.

Paul Simon: Oh… [ he pats Grodin on the shoulder ]

Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Paul Simon!

[ the audience applauds wildly as Simon walks away ]

Charles Grodin: [ to the house band ] Uh… would you hit the intro that, uh…?

[ the band strikes up “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, which Grodin sings badly off-key ]

Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“When you’re weary… feeling smallWhen tears are in… your eyes
I will dry them allWhoooooooooooo!”

Charles Grodin: Um… I’ll tell you — is that the right key? I guess it is the right key, too. Uh… could I hear that back… uh, Lorne? Could I just hear that back? I’m…

[ the vocals are played back, as Grodin listens to them carefully ]

Charles Grodin V/O: [ singing ]
“When you’re weary… feeling small
When tears are in… your eyes
I will dry them all
Whoooooooooooo!”

Charles Grodin: [ glancing down the stage, surprised ] Oh… Art!

[ Art Garfunkel steps up, to thunderous applause ]

Charles Grodin: It’s great, it’s great to see you! Uh, listen, Art, I didn’t know you were here! I would never…

Art Garfunkel: What are you doing?

Charles Grodin: I… Well, see — I had a film clip in the show, and it was cut way down. I never would have done this if you…

Art Garfunkel: Chuck, hand it over!

[ Grodin sheepishly pulls off his Garfunkel wig and hands it over ]

Charles Grodin: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. i’m really sorry.

Art Garfunkel: Thanks, Chuck.

[ Garfunkel walks off the stage, as Grodin sheepishly follws him ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Professional School Of Football

Spokesman…..Garrett Morris

[ open on green-screen graphic people standing around the city ]

[ Spokesman dissolves over the scene ]

Spokesman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere, do-nothing job? Well, if so — this is YOUR opportunity… to start an exciting new career in the world of professional football, by enrolling NOW in the Professional School of Football.

[ Professional School of Football slide appears on green-screen ]

Professional football players make BIG money! They sign lucrative contracts for endorsing products on television, they are famous, and they get to go out with BEAUTIFUL movie stars and stewardesses! Mmm-hmm. Oh! And they eat BIG steaks, man! Now, we’re not saying that anyone can be a pro ball player. You’ve GOT to have the natural talent… [ he holds up test booklet ] AND you can take this easy test to see if you have an exciting career waiting YOU… in professional football. Now, here’s two sample questions here:

[ over green screen ] Now — complete this sentence:

“When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get…

A) Going
B) Cranky
C) Groin Injuries

You’ll be surprised how many people say C. BUT — if you said A) “The Tough Get Going”, then you have the mentality it takes to be a pro football player!

Now, try this question:

You are the quarterback, it is Third Down and Fifteen. Do You:

A) Pass
B) Complain
Or C) Sustain a Groin Injury?

You’ll be surprised how many people say C). But, if you said A) “Pass”, then you have what we call “Football Savvy.”

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you enroll at the Professional School of Football, you’ll learn EVERY aspect of the game. Such as OFFENSE… and DEFENSE… and how to keep score! And all by MAIL! You’ll learn words like: “RED DOG”… “BLITZ”… and “GROIN INJURY”.

Send for your FREE test booklet to:

[ dissolve to SUPER card ]

Professional School of FootballBox 32Knee Brace, Wyoming 14004

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: See you at Baxter Street!

[ dissolve to audience balcony shot, zoom in on Charles Grodin staring confusedly into the camera as he applauds, with SUPER: “This Week’s Host!” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

The “Anyone Can Host” Contest

…..Bill Murray
…..Michael O’Donoghue

[ open on Bill Murray and Michael O’Donoghue reading through the “Anyone Can Host” postcard submissions ]

Bill Murray: Hi, gang! Bill Murray here. Mr. Mike and I are hard at work.

Michael O’Donoghue: Poor penmanship… [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: Uh — we’re checking the entries for our “Anyone Can Host” contest. Now, many people don’t believe there’s a contest — but there IS! There really is! Really!

Michael O’Donoghue: It has smudge on the corner… [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] And the contest deadline is November 1st. That’s Monday night at midnight, so you’ve GOTTA send these cards in! Really! [ he pounds the desk ] Now, here’s the rules: Tell us on a postcard — NOT A LETTER!! — a POSTCARD!!

Michael O’Donoghue: Uneven margins… [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] In 25 words or less, why YOU’D like to host “Saturday Night”.

Michael O’Donoghue: Typing error. [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: FIVE finalists — FIVE!! — will be chosen to read their postcards on the air, November 19th. And the winner will host our Christmas show, December 17th.

Michael O’Donoghue: Oh, this is funny, Bill — let’s keep this one. [ he puts the postcard aside ]

Bill Murray: You’ll be flown out, put up a week at the Essex House, meet and party with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, AND get paid $3,000 for it! Mike, how you coming with those postcards?

Michael O’Donoghue: [ counting ] …24, 25, 26. Whoops! This one’s one word over. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to qualify this one, Bill. [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: Oh, gee! Look — Lorne Michaels is willing to take a chance on an unknown, just like he did with me! Heck! This time, next year, you could have my job!

[ Mr. Mike tears another postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: All you have to do is send your postcard to this address:

[ dissolve to slide ]

Announcer:
“Anyone Can Host
Box 722
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019″

Remember: Relatives or persons employed by NBC, RCA, or any of their companies are not eligible. This contest is void where prohibited by law.

[ cut back to Bill and Mr. Mike ]

Michael O’Donoghue: Unattractive stamp. [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] Well, good luck, and I mean it! Now, get out of here! Go mail those postcards, you knucklehead! I mean it, get OUT of here! [ he tosses postcards at the camera ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Consumer Probe

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

Joan Face: Good evening. I’m Joan Face, welcome to “Consumer Probe”.Well, Monday night on All Hallow’s Eve, there’ll be a lot of witches, ghostsand goblins roaming the streets trying to give us all a traditional Halloweenfright. But what really frightens us here at “Consumer Probe” is theincreasing number of injuries, and even fatalities, caused each year byunsafe Halloween costumes for children. For instance.. [ holds up plasticskeleton costume ] ..this little skeleton costume looks cute and harmless,but in fact it’s coated by a highly flammable paint.

[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan’s right ]

My guest tonight is Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Novelties, andChairman of the Board of Mainway Latex Corporation. Mr. Mainway, you areclearly the main flagrant offender in this area. For instance, your companymanufactures and distributes this Halloween costume.. [ picks it upand holds it ] ..Johnny Space Commander mask, which retails for $6.95. It’snothing more than a plastic bag and a rubber band. This is verydangerous for young children!

Irwin Mainway: [ grabs the costume ] Okay, I’m gonna say somethingabout my product right here, Johnny Space Commander mask. I want to say,first of all, it’s a very fluid item, in terms of sales. I don’t know,Miss Face, if you’re familiar with the movie “Star Wars”? Well, this moviehas generated a tremendous amount of popularity and enthusiasm about spaceand science fiction. [ rips open the costume packaging ] This Johnny SpaceCommander mask here is a pure fantasy toy. I mean, you know, kids can havea lot of fun with a toy like this, you know? Let me show you.. [ puts theplastic bag over his head, then wraps the rubber band around it ] “Hello,hello, this is Johnny Space Commander. I’m in deep space, I’m gonna landthe rocket now!” You see what I mean? [ takes off the plastic bag ] Yousee what I mean? It’s a pure fantasy toy!

Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway, if you don’t think that was unsafe,how about this Halloween costume, which you market under the label”Invisible Pedestrian”? [ holds up the costume ] It’s an all blacksuit, gloves and mask. Now, it seems to me, Mr. Mainway, a childwearing this costume at night to go trick-or-treating is in grave dangerof being hit by a car!

Irwin Mainway: Car? What do you mean “car”, Miss Face? I mean, acar is a pretty big object, right? I mean, kids are smart today, you know?They know when a car is coming at ’em to jump out of the way. I mean, mostof the kids I know go trick-or-treating at houses, right? You don’tsee too many kids walking along the expressway knocking on windshieldslooking for treats. This is a “sidewalk” costume!

Joan Face: A “sidewalk” costume?

Irwin Mainway: Yeah! I mean, you know, we don’t recommend this forblind kids. See, there’s a warning right on the label – “InvisiblePedestrian, Not For Blind Kids.” [ turns packaging around to show thiswarning in big bold letters ] Huh?

Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway. But surely even you cansee the danger in this next costume, which you call Johnny Combat ActionCostume. This is an actual working rifle!

Irwin Mainway: An M-1, yeah.

Joan Face: I mean, this is a deadly weapon, and you’reselling it to children!

Irwin Mainway: The ammo’s not included. I mean, this is a verypopular item, you know? Give the kid a little something extra! Fieldglasses, a little helmet there, the gun, you know, it makes ’em feel likea real general! I mean, this product is very popular in Texas and Detroit!

Joan Face: What about this? [ holds up new costume ] JohnnyHuman Torch? It’s a bag of oily rags and a lighter!

Irwin Mainway: This happens to be a favorite of mine, because it’s alow-price Halloween costume. [ tears it open ] It’s really one of the moreexciting ones. You take the rags, you just pin ’em on there like a hobo,you know? And then flame on, lights up the night! It’s a beautifulcostume, I think.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I am shocked at your irresponsibleattitude! I think we can all see that your Halloween costumes are unsafeand should rightfully be banned from the market!

Irwin Mainway: Now, wait a second, hold it! You’re picking on thesebecause you’re saying these costumes are unsafe! Well, I’m gonna tell yousomething – any item of clothing can be proven unsafe! Anything!What you’re wearing, what I’m wearing! I’ve got this tie on -nice tie, nice thin tie.. alright, I’m driving along in my convertible, anice gust of wind comes up.. [ he lifts his tie, shoves it into his face andfeigns choking ] I could choke to death, you know? I mean, really! Icould put it in my mouth – I could swallow my whole shirt!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway? You are a very sleazy man. [ turns to thecamera ] I’m afraid that’s all the time we have..

Irwin Mainway: Hold on, hold on! You see this jacket here?[ removes his jacket ] This is a rayon-polyester jacket..

Joan Face: ..tune in next week. Have a happy and safe Halloween.

Irwin Mainway: ..I’ll show you something, this could go up in flamesjust like that! [ lights his jacket on fire, as the flames rise ]Look at that! Look at that!

[ show fades black, as Mainway jumps in front of the camera ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Return of the Coneheads

Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Carl van Arsdale…..Bill Murray
Sharlene van Arsdale…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, Conehead living room ]

[ Connie Conehead, wearing tall, pointy witch hat and carrying jack-o-lantern,enters and sits on the couch. She removes the witch hat to reveal her cone. ]

[ SUPER: “Return of the Coneheads” ]

[ doorbell rings – Prymaat enters from kitchen, picks up six-pack of beer andfried eggs from an end table ]

Prymaat Conehead: Aagghhh! The little humans, when will they cease?[ answers doors ]

Kids: Trick or treat?

Prymaat Conehead: [ sarcastic ] Oh, my. Your costumes are sofrightening. Here. Accept these treats. [ thrusts the beer and fried eggsinto their bags, then slams the door shut ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy, I must split to join my human friends andtheir Halloween activities.

Prymaat Conehead: Activities?

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing.

Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing?

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. Theemersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyantfruit with a major orifice.

Prymaat Conehead: Unacceptable! Unacceptable!

Connie Conehead: But, Mom..

Prymaat Conehead: [ standing ] Beldar!

Beldar Conehead: [ marches into the living room, gruff ] Prymaat.Why have you summoned me from the sleep chamber? It is onlythe 55th hour of my Megmazome Storage Stage.

Prymaat Conehead: Our young cone wishes to perform apple bobbing.

Beldar Conehead: Apple bobbing?

Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing.

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! A Halloween ritual!

Beldar Conehead: Oh, Connie, I want no knowledge of this humanactivity. Halloween, a miserable Earth festival. It is regrettable thatthe High Master demanded that we return to this planet. On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under theMoons of Mipzor. Now, that’s a party! All the gellato spirots will beharvested and smoked.

Connie Conehead: So what? Big deal!

Prymaat Conehead: The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I firstsaw Beldar’s cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued andcaptured the greased garfok, which was roasted for all to consume.

Beldar Conehead: This miserable Earth festival is nothing but aritual costume fantasy for the young ones, who move through the nightdemanding small consumables.

[ the doorbell rings again, as they all scream ]

Prymaat Conehead: The little humans. Beldar, go brief them anddispense the consumables.

Beldar Conehead: [ opens door to two adults ] Greetings. Enter.Accept these treats – beer and fried eggs.

Prymaat Conehead: Aren’t you humans a little old for this sort of thing?

Carl van Arsdale: Well, we’re not trick-or-treating. I’m Carl vanArsdale, and this is my wife Sharlene. We’re Block Parents, here at ParkwoodHeights.

Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. I know your family’s just moved into the neighborhood, and I’m sorry we had to meet under thse circumstances.. Idon’t know where you people are from, but we at Parkwood Heights do notgive licquor to minors!

Carl van Arsdale: Yes, we were extremely upset to find six-packs ofbrewski in the children’s trick-or-treat bags. Now, we are seriouslyconsidering reporting this to the police, Mr…?

Beldar Conehead: Conehead! I am Beldar. This is Prymaat, and ouryoung one, Connie.

Prymaat Conehead: We’re from France!

Carl van Arsdale: Oh. You’re from France? Well, that couldexplain part of it. I know that in France, children start drinking at anearlier age..

Connie Conehead: Correct! Correct! We apologize for causing youthis anxiety. My parental units were merely attempting to.. conformto the Halloween rites.

Prymaat Conehead: We will cease dispensing the canned consumables.It is permissable to dispense fried chicken embryos?

Sharlene van Arsdale: Chicken embryos?

Carl van Arsdale: Fried eggs, honey.

Sharlene van Arsdale: Fried eggs as treats? Well.. I guessit’s alright..

Beldar Conehead: We invite you to stay with us. We will honor yourHalloween ritual by paying homage to the symbolic vegetable orb.

[ the Coneheads surround the jack-o-lantern on the coffee table ]

Carl van Arsdale: Hey, uh.. no thanks. We already had a few piecesof vegetable orb pie!

Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. Bye bye! Happy Halloween! We loveyour costumes.

Carl van Arsdale: Yeah.

[ the van Arsdales exit ]

Connie Conehead: Humans. They’re not essentially party organisms.

Beldar Conehead: Correct. Shall we begin?

[ the three of them bite into the jack-o-lantern, enjoying their Halloween feast ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts