Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

The Killer Trees

Singer … Garrett Morris
Detective … Dan Aykroyd
Lieutenant Bushakis… John Belushi
Miss Vaveseur … Candice Bergen
Mrs. Rodriguez … Gilda Radner
Lieutenant Nagey … Tom Schiller
Suspect … Frank Zappa
Stagehand…..Neil Levy

[As snow falls from above, a singer in a white suitstands in front of a row of decorated Christmas treesand sings a solemn version of “O Tannenbaum” to pianoaccompaniment.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!

[The row of trees inch forward toward the unsuspectingsinger.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
Wie treu sind deine Blätter!

[The row of trees comes a few steps closer to thesinger.]

Singer: [sings]
Du grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,
Nein auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.

[The trees are now right up against the unwittingsinger’s back.]

Singer: [sings]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum–

[A branch explodes from the singer’s chest, piercinghis thorax and killing him almost instantly – hescreams, his eyes pop – he’s quickly dead, mouth andeyes wide open – Dramatic musical sting – SUPER: THEKILLER TREES]

Don Pardo V/O: The Killer Trees!

[The singer’s body quivers. Applause. Dissolve topolice station where a plainclothes detective speakson the phone.]

Detective: [into phone] Yeah. Yeah, that’s whatI said. You heard me! They’re killer Christmas trees!… They’re desperate trees, Chief, they won’t justsettle for tinsel and candy canes – they want blood…. I don’t know, Chief, they’re some kind of mutant!… Well, they hear the traditional Christmas hymn “OTannenbaum” and then they kill. … Looks like we’vegot a full-scale ecological disaster on our hands.I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Yeah. Allright.

[Detective hangs up. A second plainclothesman,Lieutenant Bushakis, standing nearby, has beenlistening in.]

Lt. Bushakis: These trees got an M.O.?

Detective: Well, they force themselves ontoChristmas tree lots where they lure their victims:unsuspecting, uh, Christmas tree buyers.

Lt. Bushakis: How do they do it?

Detective: Well, by looking full and bushy andstanding close to where their cars are parked. Andthey’re very smart.

Lt. Bushakis: Yeah.

Detective: They keep their prices low byconstantly marking themselves down.

Lt. Bushakis: Sounds like a tough case tocrack.

Detective: We GOTTA crack it! Or a lot oflittle kids who thought they were gonna get a bicycle– will end up with a pierced thorax!

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. Let’s roll.

Detective: Yeah.

[The detectives exit their office to the accompanimentof some cheesy uptempo ’70s cop show arrangement of “OTannenbaum” – Dissolve to a business office where MissVaveseur, a well-dressed executive, waves goodnight toher Latino cleaning lady.]

Miss Vaveseur: Well, good night, Mrs.Rodriguez. Um, y feliz Navidad.

Mrs. Rodriguez: [heavy accent] Good night!Merry Christmas to you, Miss Vaveseur!

[Mrs. Rodriguez watches Miss Vaveseur exit, thencautiously sits at office desk and usestelephone.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings to herself as she dialsnumber] La cucaracha, la cucaracha. La la la lala. [into phone] Hello? Hello, mama? Mama! Yeah, Ijust called to tell you. Right. I decided what to givelittle Jose for Christmas for him to play with. Yeah,a box of Kleenex. [holds up a box of tissues from thedesk] I’m gonna– Yeah, he can put it in his nose andstuff. Right. Okay, okay, I’ll say it’s from you, too- from both of us. Okay, mama, enjoy the turkeycarcass. Goodbye!

[Mrs. Rodriguez hangs up and rises. In the corner ofthe office, a decorated Christmas tree trembles andsings in a high-pitched voice.]

Christmas Tree: [sings] O Tannenbaum, oTannenbaum …

[Mrs. Rodriguez hears the voice but sees no one. Shesings her own version of the tune – with differentlyrics – as she cleans the office.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings]
Oh, I’m so poor
Oh, I’m so poor
La la la
Oh, I’m so poor

[The tree moves threateningly toward Mrs. Rodriguez asshe dusts a painting on the wall but retreats as shemoves to the nearby desk.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings]
Oh, I’m so poor
La cucaracha, la la la la
Oh, I’m so poor
Oh, I’m so poor
La da da

[Again, the tree moves toward Mrs. Rodriguez, thenretreats. She briefly breaks off singing, sensingsomething is wrong.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: [sings] Ah doodah

[The tree attacks her from the rear. She screams. Abranch explodes through her chest.]

Mrs. Rodriguez: Santa Claus!

[Dramatic musical sting – Mrs. Rodriguez, eyes andmouth wide open, is impaled on the tree as we dissolveto the police station where Miss Vaveseur sits, cryinghysterically. The two plainclothes detectives try tocomfort her.]

Miss Vaveseur: Oh! Oh, God!

Detective: Okay, just – just calm down for aminute. We just have to piece this thing together now.

Miss Vaveseur: It’s so horrible.

Detective: You say you heard the scream.

Miss Vaveseur: Oh, God, yes.

Detective: When you heard the scream, you ranback in and you saw the killer. That’s all we want.What did you see? Just a –

Lt. Bushakis: All right.

Detective: – a rough description.

Lt. Bushakis: Now, just calm down here, allright? Calm down and describe the killer to our policeartist here, Sergeant Nagey. Try to describe it now.Was he tall? Short?

Miss Vaveseur: [Sergeant Nagey, anotherplainclothesman, sits nearby with a sketch pad anddraws on it energetically as she speaks] He was verytall. He was so tall. And really bushy. Very bushy.With a lot of really neat ornaments! Oh, God!

Lt. Bushakis: Something like this?

[Bushakis grabs the sketch pad and holds it up to her- it’s a color drawing of a decorated Christmastree.]

Miss Vaveseur: [horrified] Ohhhhh, nooooooo!That’s it! That’s the killer!

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. [hands sketch back toNagey] Send it out over the wire services.

Sergeant Nagey: Yeah. [rises]

Lt. Bushakis: Hurry up, come on. [Nagey exitswith sketch]

Detective: [to Miss Vaveseur] Okay, now, uh, weneed one more thing. We need you to identify somesuspects, all right, now?

Miss Vaveseur: Oh!

Detective: All right. We’re gonna show you aline-up. All right? Ya think you can handleit?

[Cheesy cop show arrangement of “O Tannenbaum” returnsas Miss Vaveseur steels herself.]

Detective: Come on, let’s go.

[Miss Vaveseur and the detectives exit. We dissolve toa view of suspects in a police line-up. From left toright: an undecorated tree, a decorated tree, and along-haired barefoot man with beard and mustache wholooks exactly like Frank Zappa.]

Detective V/O: Okay, Miss Vaveseur, now, you’relooking through one-way glass. Nobody can see you.Look at these three suspects and tell us which one youthink is the killer.

Miss Vaveseur V/O: Uh, I – I don’t know. Theyall look the same to me.

Detective V/O: Uh huh.

Lt. Bushakis V/O: Wait a minute! I got a hunch.

Detective V/O: Go ahead.

Lt. Bushakis V/O: It’s crazy but it just mightwork. [to the suspects] Simon says, “Shake yourbranches!” [the two trees shake their branches, Zappawiggles his fingers] Simon says, “Jiggle yourornaments!” [the decorated tree jiggles its ornaments,as does Zappa who toys with the buttons on his tanraincoat] “Kill the person next to you!” [None of thesuspects responds, of course] Okay. Simon says, “Killthe person next to you.”

[The decorated tree leans into Zappa and a branchexplodes through Zappa’s chest. Dramatic musical sting- Zappa dies with much less fuss than the previousvictims. Dissolve back to the police station office asMiss Vaveseur and the detectives return.]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, I – I think we’ve got ourtree. These trees are smart but they’re not thatsmart.

Detective: Okay, one more thing, Miss Vaveseur.Where did you buy that tree? The tree.

Miss Vaveseur: I – I bought it at a lot downthe street. It’s the same place where I bought thetree for my apartment.

Detective: That means that one in yourapartment might be a killer, too.

Lt. Bushakis: Yeah, but we can only arrest himif we catch him the act.

Detective: [to Miss Vaveseur] I’m afraid we’regonna have to ask for one more thing — yourcooperation here. We’re gonna have to ask you to actas a decoy. Okay?

Lt. Bushakis: Now, uh, don’t we all–? If youjust start singing “O Tannenbaum” …

Detective: Right.

Lt. Bushakis: … okay? …

Detective: Are you with us?

Lt. Bushakis: … in the apartment with thetree – you’ll act as a decoy. If you need us, we’ll beright outside.

Detective: We’ll be right there. Noproblem.

Lt. Bushakis: Just yell. Okay?

Detective: Okay? You with us? [she nods] Okay,let’s go. [to Bushakis] Get a task force over thereright away.

Miss Vaveseur: I’ll do whatever I can to sparethe lives of innocent Gentiles. …

Lt. Bushakis: Okay. I’ll call the task force -I’ll meet you over there.

[Miss Vaveseur and the detective exit as Lt. Bushakisgets on the phone.]

Lt. Bushakis: [into phone] Yeah, this isLieutenant Bushakis. I want ten squad cars and fourpatrol cars outside Twenty-nine West Street. And, justin case, send an ambulance — with a tree surgeon. …That’s right. You heard me right. Do it fast,pal.

[Bushakis hangs up, looks grim – cop show version of”O Tannenbaum” plays as we dissolve to Miss Vaveseur’sapartment where a decorated tree waits ominously. MissVaveseur enters carrying a wreath and staresapprehensively at the tree. She gestures to the unseendetectives in the hall behind her, then shuts theapartment door, clears her throat, and walks near thetree.]

Miss Vaveseur: [talks to herself, nervous] Well… well … Boy, do I ever want to get pierced in thethorax! [laughs nervously]

Christmas Tree: [quivers, sings in high-pitchedvoice]
O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum …

Miss Vaveseur: [sings nervously]
O killer trees, o killer Christmas trees
I want to feel your branches in me

[The tree lunges at her back – she screams – a branchpierces her thorax – dramatic musical sting – the twodetectives burst in with guns drawn – but it’s toolate – she’s dead.]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, we said we’d be outside butwe didn’t say we’d do anything.

Detective: Yeah. … Well, I guess we’d bettertake this tree downtown.

Lt. Bushakis: Okay.

Detective: [handcuffs the tree] Okay, tree!You’re comin’ with us. Come on. You have the right toone phone call, you have the right to remain silent,anything you say can and will be used against you in acourt of law.

Lt. Bushakis: Hey, what do we do, uh, about theguy behind it?

Detective: What? This guy? [pulls a maskedstagehand, dressed in green, from behind the tree,rips off the mask] Ah, he’s just an innocent stagehand– he didn’t have anything to do with it. [stagehandretreats behind tree]

Lt. Bushakis: Well, we’ll take him downtown andbook him as an accomplice.

Detective: [staring sorrowfully at the deadMiss Vaveseur] It’s so sad, you know, because — shelooked – like an angel.

Lt. Bushakis: And now – she isone.

Detective: I guess – this case – isclosed.

[Cop show version of “O Tannenbaum” plays as thedetectives salute each other with their weapons overMiss Vaveseur’s dead body. SUPER: THE KILLER TREES.The detectives stand motionless as we pull back andfade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Right To Extreme Stupidity League

Fern…..Candace Bergen
Lisa…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Fern reading a newspaper in the living room, as Lisa enters ]

Fern: Oh, hi! You’re just in time – I made some cookies, and here’s some milk.

Lisa: Oh, great! I’m so thirsty, I could drink a horse!

Fern: Boy, are you stupid. It’s “eat a horse”. “I could eat a horse.”

Lisa: [ sits ] Well, you do whatever you want, Fern, I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, here, have some milk. [ hands Lisa the glass ]

Lisa: Oh, thanks! [ pours the milk into her purse ] Gee.. this milk isn’t too good. I’m still thirsty!

Fern: Well, that’s because you poured it in your purse, you see?

Lisa: Oh..

Fern: You’re not too bright, are you, Fern..? I mean.. [ breaks character and laughs ] Whatever your name is! [ can’t stop laughing ]

Lisa [ helping ] Lisa!

Fern: As a matter of fact, you’re extrememly stupid!

Lisa: Well, you’re right, Fern. And, you know, I’m proud of it! [ turns to the camera ] You know, we all can’t be brainy like Fern here.. [ Candace tries harder to stifle her laughter ] That’s why I want to talk to you tonight about a God-given American right – the right to extreme stupidity! Extremely stupid people are discriminated against all the time, and I should know, and so should Fern, because we are extremely stupid people! For instance, I think that Bambi is a fish! [ laughs ] You know, that reminds me of a little joke.. [ starts laughing to herself for an extended length of time before changing her tone ] But seriously, the very English language itself is discriminatory against extremely stupid people. For instance, insulting phrases like.. [ reads from index cards ] “Boy, are you dumb!” ..and “Boy, are you dumb!” [ Fern changes card for Lisa ] Thank you! ..and “You’re not too bright, are you?” “What are you, stupid?” “Boy, are you ever extremely stupid!” “I could drink a horse!” “Gosh, am I thirsty..!”

Fern: This has been a paid message from the Right To Extreme Stupidity League.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Santi-Wrap

…..Laraine Newman
…..Dan Aykroyd
Mall Santa…..John Belushi

[ open on Laraine Newman and Dan Aykroyd standing in line to see Santa Claus at the mall ]

Laraine Newman: I’m next!

Dan Aykroyd: [ laughing ] Are you sure you want to do this?

Laraine Newman: Sure! You know, I mean it’s crazy, this time of year does something to me, I feel like a little kid!

Dan Aykroyd: Make it quick, though – we’ve got a lot of shopping to do.

Laraine Newman: Oh, don’t be such a Scrooge. Where’s your spirit?

[ little girl steps off Santa’s lap and heads off ]

Mall Santa: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, everybody!

Laraine Newman: I’ll only be a minute.

Dan Aykroyd: Sure.

[ as Laraine steps up to Santa Claus, she unrolls some toilet paper which she proceeds to place around his lap ]

Dan Aykroyd: Hey, wait a minute! What are you doing?

Laraine Newman: Relax! I said I’ll only be a minute..

Dan Aykroyd: What is this?

Laraine Newman: It’s for protection.

Dan Aykroyd: Toilet tissue?! You mean, you haven’t heard of Santi-Wrap? [ holds up red and green colored toilet seat protection sheet ] Sure.. Santi-Wrap – the colorful, decorative and hygienic way to protect yourself from germs carried by the likes of a part-time Santa Claus.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Dan Aykroyd: Look, he’s so jolly, he’s smart, he knows if you’ve been sleeping – but do you know where he’s been sleeping?

Laraine Newman: [ sits up with a stir ] Oh, my goodness!

Dan Aykroyd: That’s just it, Look, Laraine – I love Santa just as much as anybody else, but, December 26th, Noel over here goes back to the Y.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho..

Laraine Newman: But won’t toilet paper protect me?

Dan Aykroyd: Two-ply? Never. Not these germs. Let me show you.

[ show image of Santa’s bare leg ]

Dan Aykroyd: This is a picture of Santa’s leg. Seems normal. But look at the same picture magnified under a microscope.

[ show circular close-up of tiny little men sitting on a street corner, with little hairs surrounding the lens ]

Laraine Newman: Are those Santa’s helpers?

Dan Aykroyd: Yes, those are Santa’s helpers. And they’re communicable. Now, will you stop using the two-ply?

Laraine Newman: What a fool I’ve been! [ replaces her toilet paper with one Santi-Wrap sheet and sits ] Okay.. I want a car, and a refigerator, and –

Dan Aykroyd: Use Santi-rap, and I promise you won’t get one tick.. from jolly St. Nick.

Mall Santa: [ drinking from a bottle of alcohol ] Ho ho ho.. ho.. ho ho..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Diana Nyad

… Candice Bergen

[Host Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses thecamera.]

Candice Bergen: And now here’s this week’s filmby Gary Weis. It’s about Diana Nyad, the marathonswimmer who swam around Manhattan Island.

[The film begins with a young female college studentaddressing the camera. She is photographed in front ofa swimming pool in a darkened gym.]

1st Student: Diana’s been a big influence on meas far as my definitions of what a woman can be – andwhat a woman is. She’s the first woman I’ve met in mylife that sat down and said, “This is what I want -and I’m gonna get it – and it doesn’t matter at allwhat anybody else in the world thinks.”

[Elegant classical music begins and continues till thefilm ends. Slow motion footage of Diana Nyadswimming.]

Diana Nyad V/O: I have been swimming now forover fifteen years, over four hours a day, sometimesfive, sometimes six.

[Nyad works out on a weight machine.]

Diana Nyad V/O: The average heartbeat isseventy-two to seventy-five beats a minute. Theaverage trained athlete is from sixty to seventy.

[Pre-dawn. Nyad, in a heavy winter coat, runs across acrowded New York City street carrying a gym bag and apair of racquets.]

Diana Nyad V/O: My heartbeat is forty-five inthe morning at rest. Um, I can get it up to a hundredeighty when I’m working very hard but the point aboutbeing in shape is that it comes back down veryquickly.

[Slow motion footage of Nyad’s muscles flexing as sheworks out on the weight machine.]

Diana Nyad V/O: I, um, hold the world recordfor swimming from Capri to Naples in Italy and I’m theonly person to have crossed Lake Ontario, which tookeighteen hours, twenty minutes. I hold the record forswimming around Manhattan Island, in a little undereight hours.

[Slow motion footage of Nyad, wearing headband andwielding a racquet, as she plays a game ofsquash.]

Diana Nyad V/O: When I’m swimming during the -the toughest seasons of the year, I eat twelvethousand to twelve thousand five hundred calories aday which is at least ten times what the averageperson eats.

[More female students filmed in front of an Olympicswimming pool in a darkened gym — presumably atBarnard College, an independent liberal arts collegefor women in New York City, affiliated with ColumbiaUniversity.]

2nd Student: Diana Nyad is our coach on theBarnard College swim team. She really has been aninspiration for all of us.

3rd Student: Knowing Diana has made me see thatI can do anything that I want to do. She demandsperfection from you in – in everything but you don’tmind giving it to her because you know that shedemands it from herself.

[More footage of Nyad on the weight machine. More slowmotion footage of Nyad swimming.]

Diana Nyad V/O: From a mile out, I can hear theclapping and the screaming. The people realize that Iswam from a place that they couldn’t even see on theclearest day. They know I may faint when I arrive.They share with me the most extreme moment of all.For, after the pain, the cold, the hours, thedistance, after the fatigue and the loneliness –after all this, comes my emergence. And my emergenceis what it’s all about.

[Nyad turns from the weight machine to smile into thecamera, then turns back. Fade.Applause.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Candice Bergen’s Monologue

Stagehand…..Joe Dicso
…..Jane Curtin
…..Candice Bergen
…..Lorne Michaels
…..John Belushi
Louis…..Tom Schiller
Sam…..Garrett Morris

Don Pardo: [ announcing ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Candice Bergen!

[ audience applauds wildly, but Candice is nowhere to be found on Home Base ]

[ Jane Curtin and Joe Dicso rush upon Home Base, nervous, as Jane runs offstage and down to hall to Candice’s dressing room ]

Jane Curtin: Candy? You’ve gotta come out, they’re waiting for you, the show is starting.

Candice Bergen: [ muffled behind closed door ] Um.. I-I-I really can’t do it, Jane.. I’m just too frightened.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that’s silly! You’ve done this show before, it was great!

Candice Bergen: Well.. it’s just that I only did it to be close to him, Jane.. Don’t you see? When I was with him, I wasn’t afriad of anything!

Jane Curtin: Candy, forget him, he’s not worth it, no man is – especially John Belushi.

Candice Bergen: I can’t forget him, Jane. We shared so much together. When he held me in his arms, we had something special.

Jane Curtin: Candy, that was cellulite you felt.

Candice Bergen: It’s not cellulite. John just gives that appearance on television – he explained it to me, the camera makes him look fifty pounds heavier.

[ nervous Lorne Michaels enters the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jane, what’s the matter?

Jane Curtin: It’s John again.

Lorne Michaels: [ sighs heavily ] I don’t understand it. What is this power that Belushi has over women? They fawn themselves over him, all he does is walk all over them. [ sighs again ] She won’t come out?

Jane Curtin: No.

Lorne Michaels: I’ll find John.

Jane Curtin: Okay.

[ Lorne exits down the hall in search of John ]

Jane Curtin: Candy, look what you’re doing to yourself!

Candice Bergen: I don’t care, Jane! Why won’t John at least talk to me!

Jane Curtin: Because he’s an animal.

Candice Bergen: I know.. that’s why I love him..

Jane Curtin: Candy, he’s no good. He’s had his way with every single woman on this network. Why do you think Barbara Walters left? It wasn’t money, it was Belushi! [ a beat ] Candy, come on. Please?

Candice Bergen: I’m sorry, Jane.

[ suddenly, John Belushi, dressed in a white tuxedo like Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca” enters the hall ]

John Belushi: I’ll take care of this for you, alright?

[ Jane steps aside, as John knocks on Candice’s dressing room door ]

Candice Bergen: Go away!

John Belushi: Candy! Get out here!

[ Candice opens the door and comes out of her dressing room ]

Candice Bergen: John? Oh, John! [ hugs John ]

John Belushi: Candy. Listen, Candy, baby, I know how you feel, but it’s over!

Candice Bergen: It can’t be.. you’re just angry, that’s all. Listen, John, I’ll do anything, I don’t care! What do you want me to do?

John Belushi: It’s not you, Candy. It’s me! How many times do I have to tell you! It’s only for your own good. Don’t you understand? I’ll only hurt you!

Candice Bergen: I know, I know! That’s what I want John! John, nice guys are a dime a dozen! But I’m attracted to.. swill!

John Belushi: Ah, I wouldn’t believe anything you told me right now! You’d say anything to get what you want!

Candice Bergen: John.. can’t you just think about us?

John Belushi: There is no us, Candy.

Candice Bergen: All you can think about is yourself! One woman hurts you, and you just take it out on the rest of the world! You’re a coward and a weakling! [ slaps John hard across the face, shocking herself ] I’m sorry, John.. I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry! Did I hurt you?

John Belushi: [ in his best Bogart tone ] Yes.. very much.

Candice Bergen: I’m so sorry.. you know I would never do anything to hurt you.. you’re the first man I’ve ever loved!

John Belushi: Yes.. and I love you, too. And that’s why I want to get you out there on that stage.

Candice Bergen: Are you not just saying that to make me go?

John Belushi: I’m saying that because it’s the truth, Sandy!

Candice Bergen: Candy.

John Belushi: Candy.

[ soft piano version of “As Time Goes By” cues up in the background, as fog spreads through the room ]

John Belushi: It’s the truth, and you know it. You have to get out there. Now, listen.. look – I’m no good at being noble.. but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. You see, inside of us, we both know you belong up on that stage. You’re part of the show, the thing that keeps it going. And, if that show starts and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it.

Candice Bergen: No, I won’t..

John Belushi: Maybe not now.. maybe not tomorrow.. but soon, and for the rest of your life.

[ airplane propellers can be heard starting up ]

Loudspeaker: The last plane for Lisbon now departing.

Candice Bergen: Oh.. what about us, John?

John Belushi: Well.. we’ll still have Paris.. or the Muppets. Well.. here’s looking at you, kid. You better go.

[ they turn down the hall and walk away from the camera, passing Louis along the way ]

John Belushi: Hi, Louis!

[ dissolve to Garrett Morris as Sam, playing the piano in a smoke-filled room ]

Sam: Good morning, Mr. Rick.. Miss Ilsa.

Candice Bergen: Sam? Boy, you sound as good as ever.

John Belushi: Listen up, Sam – you can close up for the night.

Sam: Alright, Mr. Rick.

[ Sam stops playing the piano, and closes the room ]

John Belushi: Listen, uh.. Candy. You do a good show, and maybe – just maybe – afterwards, we can have a drink later.

Candice Bergen: My place?

John Belushi: That’s fine.

Candice Bergen: The thing is.. I never know if you’re gonna show up. You’re such a filthy liar, you’ve never told me the truth. I guess that’s why I need you, John. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. [ facing the camera ] And we’ll be right back after this message.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Patty Hearst At Home

Catherine Campbell…..Jane Curtin
Anne Hearst…..Laraine Newman
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner
Randolph Hearst…..Dan Aykroyd
Franklin the Butler…..Garrett Morris
KNOO Anchor…..John Belushi

[ open on the Hearst Family sitting around the TV playing a game of Scrabble ]

Catherine Campbell: Oh, Patty, I’m so happy you didn’t have to spend the holidays in that awful prison.

Anne Hearst: Me, too, Sis!

Patty Hearst: Well… I’m very thankful.

Catherine Campbell: We have so much to be thankful for: the worst is over, you’re home…

Randolph Hearst: And we’re still rich!

[ the family laughs ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now look at that — we got “shelter” on the board here, so… [ he picks up his letters and places them on the board ] T… A… X. “Taxshelter”. Triple-word score on the “X” — that’s 44 points!

Catherine Campbell: Very good, Randy. Now, let’s see. That’s Father… [ totals the scores ] 391… Mother, 304… Ann, you have 217… and, Patty, 37.Well, I’m not very good at Scrabble.

Anne Hearst: You should try for longer words, Patty. I mean, “pig” and “gun” aren’t gonna get you many points.

Catherine Campbell: Go ahead, honey — it’s your turn.

Patty Hearst: [ sighs ] Okay. [ she places her letters down ] There.

Anne Hearst: [ frowns ] What’s that word supposed to be?

Patty Hearst: “Slaw”. Like in “cole slaw”.

Anne Hearst: You don’t spell “slaw” “S-L-A”! Cheater!

Patty Hearst: Oh, you! Stop it!

[ Anne and Patty begin to slap one another ]

Randolph Hearst: Oh, now — come on, girls! There, there… really! Now, Anne, Patty’s not cheating — she’s just confused.

Anne Hearst: [ angry ] Oh, Patty’s CONFUSED! It’s always “Patty this” and “Patty that” Well, you want to know who the REAL victim is? ME!! ME!! ME!!

[ Patty throws the Scrabble board at Anne ]

Randolph Hearst: Come on, girls! Please!

[ Franklin the Butler enters with a tray of egg nog ]

Franklin the Butler: Here comes Miss Patty’s favorite: Egg Nog a la Franklin.

Patty Hearst: Thank you, Franklin!

Franklin the Butler: You’re welcome, Miss Hearst.

[ everyone grabs a cup of egg nog ]

Patty Hearst: Mmm, this is good.

Catherine Campbell: Thank you very much, Franklin.

Franklin the Butler: Yes.

Patty Hearst: Oh, Franklin? Do you feel exploited by my family?

Franklin the Butler: [ hesitant to answer ] Uhhhh — why, no, Miss Hearst… I don’t feel exploited.

Randolph Hearst: [ pleased ] Franklin, take next week off — you deserve it.

Franklin the Butler: Thank you, sir.

[ Franklin exits ]

Catherine Campbell: Why don’t we put away the Scrabble game, and just relax with some TV?

Randolph Hearst: Good idea! Let’s escape into the TV!

[ Randolph uses the remote control to turn on the TV — “S.W.A.T.” is playing ]

Announcer: Tonight, on “S.W.A.T.”: A wealthy newspaper heiress is kidnapped by a radical terrorist group, ransomed for a China doll —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel, where “Hawaii 5-0” plays ]

Announcer: A kidnap victim becomes the unwitting accomplice in a bank robbery, on: “Hawaii 5-0” —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

Announcer V/O: Tonight, on “Cinema Classics”: Orson Welles’ immortal “Citizen Kane” —

[ Randolph rapidly clicks through a series of channels, stopping on a news report ]

KNOO Anchor: We at KNOO feel that Patty has been exploited by the media. Where is the decency that should be afforded this young girl who has undergone —

[ Randolph clicks onto another channel ]

[ a live shot of the Hearst Family sitting in their living room appears on the screen ]

Catherine Campbell: What show is this?

[ return to the Hearst Family sitting in their living room ]

Patty Hearst: [ excited ] Oh! It’s “NBC’s Saturday Night” — it’s my favorite show! I used to watch it all the time in prison, I can always depend on it being tasteful! Oh! Here’s my favorite part, where they say:

[ cut to Patty on the TV screen ]

Patty Hearst: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Let’s Kill Gary Gilmore For Christmas

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

… Candice Bergen
… Gilda Radner
… Dan Aykroyd
… Jane Curtin
… John Belushi
… Laraine Newman
… Garrett Morris

[Candice Bergen stands before the well-trimmedChristmas tree at home base and addresses the camera.]

Candice Bergen: One night this July, GaryGilmore killed a Utah service station attendant andthe next night he shot a twenty-five year old studenttwice in the head. He was convicted of the secondmurder and sentenced to death. Gilmore requested thatthe sentence be carried out by firing squad. Prisonofficials were flooded with calls with peoplevolunteering to shoot Gilmore, a job which pays ahundred and twenty-five dollars. Gilmore’s lawyer isnegotiating with publishers and motion picture studiosfor book and movie rights and there has been a cry forpublic execution. [holds up a New York Post with alarge front page headline: The Gilmore Ruling: KILLHIM] All three networks have asked permission to filmthe event and, if permission is not granted, thenthere’s talk of filming the execution, from adirigible, helicopter or hang glider. And so it’s inthis spirit that Saturday Night has prepared a veryspecial Christmas song.

[As the music begins, we dissolve to the giantChristmas tree at Rockefeller Center and then to aclose-up of Gilda Radner, her hair and face peltedwith artificial snow, as she sings:]

Gilda Radner:
There’s a little guy in Utah with a single ChristmaswishFor one special thing that can’t be substitutedDoesn’t want to get electric trains, get toys or getpet fishAll he really wants to get is executed

[Dissolve wide to take in the rest of the cast,dressed in holiday sweaters amid falling snow, womenin the front row, men in back. Everyone sings:]

Cast:
So let’s kill Gary Gilmore for Christmas
Let’s hang him from atop the Christmas tree
Let’s give to him the only gift that money can’tbuy
Put poison in his egg nog, let him drink it, watch himdie

[Dan Aykroyd talks while the others hum softly:]

Dan Aykroyd:
Let’s throw another yule log on the fire
And then let’s throw Gary Gilmore on there too
With a ribbon so gay and a card that will say
“Dear Gary, Merry Christmas to you”

Jane, Laraine, Gilda:
In the meadow, we can build a snowman
One with Gary Gilmore packed inside

John, Garrett, Dan:
We’ll say “Are you dead yet?” He’ll say “No, man”

Cast:
But we’ll wait out the frostbite till he dies

Gilda:
I’ve one Christmas wish

Jane, Laraine, John, Garrett, Dan:
Just ask it

Gilda:
Please put Gary in a casket

Cast:
So let’s toll the silver bells for him
While he can still hear what they say
Ding dong ding dong
You’re dead, so long
We can thrill Gary Gilmore
If we kill Gary Gilmore
On this Christmas Day

[Dissolve back to the Rockefeller Center Christmastree.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Consumer Probe

Consumer Reporter…..Candice Bergen
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

Consumer Reporter: Good evening, and welcome to the holiday edition of “Consumer Probe”. Our topic tonight is unsafe toys for children. For instance, this little bow and arrow set. [ holds up ] Pull the rubber suctions off, and the arrows become deadly missiles.

[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan’s right ]

We have with us tonight, Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Toys. Uh, Mr. Mainway, your company manufactures the following so-called harmless playthings: Pretty Peggy Ear-Piercing Set, Mr. Skin-Grafter, General Tron’s Secret Police Confession Kit, and Doggie Dentist. And what about this innocent rubber doll, which you market under the name Johnny Switchblade? [ holds up doll ] Press his head, and two sharp knives spring from his arms. [ demonstrates ] Mr. Mainway, I’m afraid this is, by no means, a very safe toy.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, Miss, I wanna correct you, alright. The full name of this product, as it appears in stores all over the county, is Johnny Switchblade: Adventure Punk. I mean, nothing goes wrong.. little girls buy ’em, you know, they play games, they make up stories, nobody gets hurt. I mean, so Barbie takes a knife once in a while, or Ken gets cut. You know, there’s no harm in that. I mean, as far as I can see, you know?

Consumer Reporter: Alright. Fine. Fine. Well, we’d like to show you another one of Mr. Mainway’s products. It retails for $1.98, and it’s called Bag O’ Glass. [ holds up bag of glass ] Mr. Mainway, this is simply a bag of jagged, dangerous, glass bits.

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, right, it’s you know, it’s glass, it’s broken glass, you know? It sells very well, as a matter of fact, you know? It’s just broken glass, you know?

Consumer Reporter: [ laughs ] I don’t understand. I mean, children could seriously cut themselves on any one of these pieces!

Irwin Mainway: Yeah, well, look – you know, the average kid, he picks up, you know, broken glass anywhere, you know? The beach, the street, garbage cans, parking lots, all over the place in any big city. We’re just packaging what the kids want! I mean, it’s a creative toy, you know? If you hold this up, you know, you see colors, every color of the rainbow! I mean, it teaches him about light refraction, you know? Prisms, and that stuff! You know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: So, you don’t feel that this product is dangerous?

Irwin Mainway: No! Look, we put a label on every bag that says, “Kid! Be careful – broken glass!” I mean, we sell a lot of products in the “Bag O'” line.. like Bag O’ Glass, Bag O’ Nails, Bag O’ Bugs, Bag O’ Vipers, Bag O’ Sulfuric Acid. They’re decent toys, you know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: Well, I guess we could say that all of your toys are really unsafe and should rightfully be banned from the market. I guess I would just like to know what happened to the good ol’ teddy bear.

Irwin Mainway: Hold on a minute, sister. I mean, we make a teddy bear. It’s right here. [ picks up giant teddy bear ] It’s got a nice little feature here, you see? I’ll hold it up here. We call it a Teddy Chainsaw Bear. [ revs chainsaw in teddy bear’s stomach ] I mean, a kid plays with saws, he can cut logs with it, you know what I mean.

Consumer Reporter: Well, this is certainly a very sad situation. One of the precious joys of Christmas warped by a ruthless profiteer like yourself.

Irwin Mainway: Well, that’s just your opinion, you know what I mean?

Consumer Reporter: Well, I just don’t understand why you can’t make harmelss toys like these alphabet blocks. [ points to blocks ]

Irwin Mainway: C’mon, this is harmless? Alright, okay, you call this harmless? [ holds block in hand ] I mean.. [ plays with block and fakes injury ] Aagghh!! I got a splinter in here, look at that! This is wood! This is unsanded wood, it’s rough!

Consumer Reporter: Alright, that’s enough of this ridiculous display. [ holds toy phone ] Here is another creative toy, safe enough for a baby!

Irwin Mainway: [ grabs phone ] You say it’s safe, I mean, look at this cord.. the kid is on the phone – “Hello? Hello?” – then.. [ twists cord around his neck, screams, and falls backward in chair ] You know what I mean? It’s an example! You see my point, a dangerous toy like that?

Consumer Reporter: Well, let’s try this one. What about this little foam play ball? I mean, even you, Mr. Mainway, can’t find anything dangerous about this. Huh?

Irwin Mainway: [ takes ball, bounces it on table, then shoves it in his throat and feigns choking ]

Consumer Reporter: That’s all the time we have for “Consumer Probe” this week.

[ show fades black ]

SNL Transcripts

http://www.specialcabledeals.com/comcast-cable-tv-deals-.html

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

FX-70 Cheese Slicer

… Candice Bergen
Johnny … John Belushi

[Parody of a 1970s Polaroid ad – Western music -Candice Bergen holds what appears to be an instantcamera as we pull back to reveal Johnny, a kid in acowboy outfit.]

Candice Bergen: Okay, Johnny, what do yousay?

Johnny: [smiles] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny and presses abutton – the “camera” whirs and a slice of processedyellow cheese emerges from the slot where one wouldexpect to see an instant photo]

Candice Bergen: Got it! [hands the cheese sliceto Johnny who happily unwraps and eats it] Anotherperfect slice of processed cheese! And look at thatcolor! It turns from mild to sharp in sixty seconds!

[Dissolve to a table laden with cheeseburgers,cheese-covered pie slices, etc. Over this, two handshold the “camera” with a slice of cheese sticking outof it]

Candice Bergen: The new FX-70 Cheese Slicer andprocessed cheese cartridges. [SUPER: $69.95] Onlysixty-nine ninety-five for all your cheese needs.

[Dissolve back to Candice and Johnny.]

Candice Bergen: Hey! What do you say?

Offscreen Children’s Voices: [as Johnny holdsup his cheese slice] Cheeeeese!

[Candice points the “camera” at Johnny who grinsmischievously and raises an eyebrow at her. Applause -fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 10

76j: Candice Bergen / Frank Zappa

Carter’s Promises

Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on President-elect Jimmy Carter sitting outside of a warehouse in Plains, Georgia, eating from a bag of shelled peanuts ]

Jimmy Carter: Good evening, my fellow Americans! If you remember my campaign for President, I promised to keep every promise I made. Tonight, I’m here to tell you.. well.. unfortunately, that will be impossible. [ smiles wide ] You see, I’m not privy to information that only a President is privy to, and I’m.. I’m beginning to appreciate just how good a President Gerald Ford has been. [ smiles wide ]

Considering today’s harsh economic realities – for example, I promised that I would both balance the budget and reduce unemployment. Well, it simply can’t be done! [ smiles wide ] No way! It just looks bad. If you could see all the papers and the briefs and information that I read – well, as Bob Dyland said, “It blows my mind!”

Now, look – the economy of the entire world is in a tailspin. Now, I don’t have all the answers. I never did. But I have developed a plan to save the world economy. But that’s gonna take me at least four years to get started. Because, after all, I’m not the President of the World. [ smiles wide ] So, don’t expect things to start improving until the beginning of my second term. But I do promise that, by 1984, well, we’ll have a balanced budget and full employment. And you cna depend on it! I love you all. God bless. Merry Christmas, and thank you for making me your president! [ chews a peanut ]

[ camera zooms out, then dissolves into a slow zoom on a random female audience member ]

[ SUPER: “Confused Polly Bergen Fan” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts