[ open on Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman standing on stage ]
Gilda Radner: Laraine. uh —
[ Buck Henry appears behind them ]
Buck Henry: Hi, Gilda! Laraine!
Gilda Radner: [ waving him off ] Wait one second. [ to Laraine ] Uh, Laraine, you know that next week, May 22nd, on “Saturday Night”, Buck Henry will be the host of the show.
Laraine Newman: Buck Henry?! [ she clamps her hands to her face and sticks out her tongue ] Eeuuuuggghhh!!
Gilda Radner: Laraine, he was on before, he was wonderful…
Laraine Newman: Uggghhhh, he’s DIS-GUST-ING!!
Gilda Radner: Laraine, he was really good —
Buck Henry: [ interrupting ] Gor — Gord — Gordon Lightfoot will be on —
Gilda Radner: [ waving him off ] Could you just wait one second? [ to Laraine ] Laraine, you must be nice —
Laraine Newman: HE’S DISGUSTINNNGGGG!!!
[ Gilda acknowledges that Buck is standing behins them ]
Laraine Newman: Buck! How are you!
Buck Henry: Hi, Laraine!
Laraine Newman: Oh, how do you do?
[ Laraine leans in to kiss Buck, but he rebuffs her ]
Gilda Radner: [ laughing ] Buck, we’ll be excited to work with you next week.
[ both girls lean in to hug Buck, as he stick his tongue out ]
…..Leon Russell …..Mary Russell Joe Cocker…..John Belushi
Don Pardo V/O: Once again – Leon & Mary Russell.
Leon Russell: “Five o’clock in the morning The party’s still going, still going strong There’s a conversation over in the corner And it’s dancing on a lie.
Mary Russell: When the music is moving Everybody’s getting down, getting down in their stocking feet Sleepy eyes are peeping From the window, from across the street.
Leon & Mary Russell: Oh, and it looks like daylight Gonna catch me up Gonna catch me up again Some people are getting up We’re just getting in.
Mary Russell: It’s the only, only, only time That me and my baby can unwind.
Leon Russell: I said I swear to myself, yes I did Time and time again That I would give up a night life And start laying in But, wait a minute.
Backup Singers: Ain’t easy!
Mary Russell: Saying no, no to my friends ‘Cause it don’t get started Until everyone else is in.
Leon & Mary Russell: Oh, and it looks like daylight Gonna catch me up Gonna catch me up again Some people are getting up We’re just getting in
[ break ]
Leon & Mary Russell: Daylight Gonna catch me up again.
[ a spastic Joe Cocker enters the stage, clutching a can of beer that constantly jumps out of its can ]
Joe Cocker: Daylight Gonna catch me up Gonna catch me up again
Daylight Gonna catch me up Gonna catch me up again Again, again, again!
[ The Russells and their band stop playing ]
Joe Cocker: Daylight!Gonna catch me up!Gonna —
[ Joe Cocker chugs beer all over himself and flails to the floor ]
[ The Russells and their band resume the final chords of the tune, to thunderous audience applause ]
Leon Russell: “I want to satisfy you Hold you in my arms right here forever And yet I want to listen to your heart Moving in a way that makes you say:”
Mary Russell: “I want to satisfy you Take me in your arms and let me know you And when I call out your name You’ll know just what I’m calling for I love the way you do the things you do I want to satisfy you.”
Leon Russell: “Well, real love’s got a mind of its own And there’s no way to explain This feeling that comes over me Each time I hear your name.
I want to satisfy you.”
[ break ]
Leon Russell: “Yeah, well I love the way you do the things you do I want to satisfy you.”
Mary Russell: “Real love’s got a mind of its own There’s no way to explain This feeling that comes over me Each time I hear your name.”
Leon Russell: I want to satisfy you. Love you all my life and live foreer Honey, I’m loving all the time we spend together You know just what I’m gonna do Honey, I love the way you do the things you do.”
Mary Russell: “Well, the things you do just thrill me through and through.”
Leon & Mary Russell: “Yeah, honey I love the way you do the things you do. I want to satisfy you.”
Dyan Cannon: [ humbled to be on the show ] That’s really nice. Thank you, hi. I’m, uh.. I’m really glad to be here. Uh.. well, okay, let’s make friends. [ Paul Shaffer and Bob take their positions at the piano behind Dyan ] Um.. since I have the microphone, I’ll start. We’ll get to know each other. Uh.. first of all, I don’t eat meat, I’m a vegetarian. And, um.. I’m Orthodox. I mean, I don’t mind if other people eat meat, that’s okay. Uh, let’s see.. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t take pills, or drugs or anything, but that’s about all that I don’t do.
[ Paul Shaffer begins to play the piano lightly ]
Dyan Cannon: Oh, Paul! Hi, Paul! There’s Paul and Bob! Hi, Paul and Bob!
[ Dyan approaches the band members and encourages the audience to applaud ]
Dyan Cannon: Mmm-hmm! Oh! And I have a daughter – her name is Jennifer, she’s ten years old, she doesn’t smoke or drink, either. Uh.. I like horses. I like to drink, um.. tea. I know a lot more about me than you know about me, and you know more about me than I know about you now.
Do you guys like to dream? I dream a lot. Do you know that every single dream I’ve ever had in my life has come true? [ singing ] Except one. Every dream I ever had in my life, do you realize that? [ singing ] Except one. Since I’ve been a little girl, I’ve had so many dreams about things I wanted to do, and places I wanted to go, and people I wanted to see, and every one of those dreams has come true! [ singing ] Except one. Oh, and I like big, big hats. Big, floppy hats. And I like, um.. ice water – I put lemon in it, with sugar substitute. I know it’s kaka, but I love it. That’s the only thing I like that’s fake – sugar substitute. And I like, uh, the ocean, I love boots, I love ice cream. And I like, um.. men.. and women.. and men. And every dream I’ve ever had in my life has come true. [ singing ] Except one. Just one.
Okay, I’m gonna tell you about that dream. I live on the beach at Malibu. And sometimes when I’m sitting and looking out at the ocean – just miles of ocean – and I sit out and look at it, and I just know – I know this sounds goofy, but I’m gonna share my fantasy with you. I know that one night, some man on a big, white horse is gonna come up from out of the middle of the ocean, and come galloping towards me on the sand, pick me up and carry me away. I know that’s gonna happen. Do you understand? I mean, if every dream in my life has come true, and that’s the only one that hasn’t come true, then that one’s gonna come true. [ singing ] I mean, every one except one has come true, and I know it’s gonna come.
Where is that guy? [ looks into the audience ] Is that guy you? Listen, if you’re sitting in the audience, will you tell me? Are you up in the balcony? [ looks up toward the balcony ] Where’s my fella! [ glances at another man in the audience ] I know it’s not you, you haven’t got a white horse. A white horse is very important, I’ve gotta have a white horse. Now, look – a guy that’s my guy has got to know that all he has to spring for is a white horse, and I’m ready! Look, if you’re out there watching, let me know, will’ya? ‘Cause every dream in my life has come true. [ singing ] Except one. And I know that one is around here, and I know it’s waiting, I know it’s waiting so hard to come true for me.
You know what I think is gonna happen? I think tonight, on live TV, my fantasy is gonna come true. I know it’s gonna come true. I know that dream is just waiting around the corner for me. So, dream, wherever you are, come and get me! Now!
[ Paul Shaffer stops playingthe piano, jumps to his feet and throws Dyan Cannon over his shoulder ]
Dyan Cannon: [ struggling as they exit the stage ] Paul! No, not you! Paul!
[ open on Mom and Dad seated on the couch in their living room ]
Mom: Dyan, honey!
Dyan: I’m coming, Mom!
[ Dyan runs down the stairs ]
Mom: Your father and I are NOT being difficult — it’s just that we like to meet all your dates, that’s all.
Dyan: But, Mother, I told you a THOUSAND times: today’s not a real date! No, it’s just a ride to the football game.
Dad: After you spent two hours fixing yourself up? Come on, do you expect us to believe that?
Dyan: Yeah, but, Dad, we’ve hardly spoken more than once, and I only got this ride because Judy’s brother asked for me. It really isn’t even a romance. You know something? To Johnny, I’m practically invisible.
Dad: And, yet, young lady, all we’ve heard this week is: “JOHNNY, JOHNNY, JOHNNY!”
Mom: “JOHNNY, JOHNNY, JOHNNY!” all week.
[ the doorbell rings, as three rugged members of the Hell’s Angels crash through the door ]
Dyan: Mom! Mom, Dad! These are my boyfriends! Johnny Angel!
[ the soundtrack pots up ]
Hell’s Angel 1: “Johnny Angellllll…”
Hell’s Angel 2: “Johnny Angellllll…”
Hell’s Angel 3: “Johnny Angellllll…”
Dyan: “You’re an Angel to me!”
[ Dyan continues to sing Johnny Angel, as the three Hell’s Angels begin to break various pieces of furniture, dynamite a wall safe, and tie her parents with rope and leave them on the floor ]
Dyan: “Johnny Angel, how I love him. He’s got something that I can’t resist, But he doesn’t even know that I-I-I exist.
Johnny Angel, how I want him. How I tingle when he passes by. Every time he says “Hello”, my heart begins to fly.
I’m in Heaven, how I get carried away. I think of him and me, and how it’s gonna be. Other fellas ask me out for a date, but I just sit and wait, I’d rather concentrate…
On Johnny Angel. ‘Cause I love him. And I pray that someday he’ll love me. And together we will see how lovely Heaven will be.
I’m in Heaven, how I get carried away. I think of him and me, and how it’s gonna be. Other fellas ask me out for a date, but I just sit and wait, I’d rather concentrate…
On Johnny Angel. ‘Cause I love him. And I pray that someday he’ll love me. And together we will see how lovely Heaven will be.
Hell’s Angel 1: “Johnny Angellllll…”
Hell’s Angel 3: “Johnny Angellllll…”
Hell’s Angel 2: “Johnny Angellllll…”
Dyan: “You’re an Angel to me!”
[ the three Hell’s Angels lift Dyan over their shoulders and carry her up the stairs to her bedroom ]
[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Pre-Natal Root Canal Therapy” ]
Dyan Cannon: Nooo! It’s over with so quickly. But you know what? I want to thank everyone for really an incredible week. You guys have been so wonderful to work with, I mean that. And the writers, and the producer, I’ve never had ab etter time in my life. It was really a fabulous week. And, even if my dream didn’t come true – I mean, I’ve still got the night to go. I thought it was gonna be tonight, I thought tonight was gonna be the night. I mean, you know, everything else has come true, except for the guy coming out of the ocean, wet, on a white horse. I mean, you can’t have everything in life, I’ve had everything —
[ the closing theme music pots up, as a topless Chevy Chase on horseback crosses through the studio with a horse trainer leading the way ]
Dyan Cannon: [ laughing profusely ] Good night! Bye bye!
[ Dyan is pulled onto the back of th horse with Chevy ]
Chevy Chase: Good night!
[ Dyan wraps her arms around Chevy as they stroll back across the studio on horseback ]
[ the other members of the cast stand at Home Base alone. Dan Aykroyd lifts Gilda Radner onto his back, and they follow Chevy and Dyan. Garrett Morris jumps onto John Belushi’s back, as they follow the others. Jane Curtin and Laraine Newman fold their arms, neither one about to jump on the back of the other. ]
[ Chevy and Dyan cross back through the studio on horseback ]
[ the other members of the cast are revealed to be standing off to the side of Home Base; Jane and Laraine join them as the horse passes ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next Saturday night, our host will be Buck Henry, with guest Gordon Lightfoot. This is Don Pardo saying, “Good night!” [ a beat, as he speaks in muffled tones ] I’ve been in broadcasting for – never mind for how many years! I have to go home and explain what this silly thing is about, it’s nonsense! Every week, I — What? We’re still on? [ chuckles ]
[ FADE IN on Chevy Chase lying on his back at home base as if he’d just done a fall. A table is set up with four folding chairs, the audience is applauding, and Chevy rises from the floor as the camera zooms in on him. ]
Chevy Chase: Live from New York…
[ The booming voice of director Dave Wilson comes in through the P.A. system. ]
Dave Wilson’s voice: Chevy, Chevy, hold it. Chevy, please hold it. We didn’t get the fall on the air, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: What are you talking about? I just did it for the audience. I got the cue and I did the fall.
Dave Wilson’s voice: I’m sorry Chevy, the clock in the control room was a minute fast and we didn’t get it on the air. I wonder if you could do it again.
[ Chevy gets up from the floor ]
Chevy Chase: Well, I…I could do it again. I…what about the rest of the guys at the poker game? Could we get them out here?
Dave Wilson’s voice: No, they’re already changing into their other costumes. Why don’t you just go up…remember, you were pretending to fix the light for the poker game. And you can just start from the top again.
Chevy Chase: All right, Dave.
[ Chevy picks up a ladder and sets it up, then picks up the chairs and fixes the table as they were before his off-air fall. ]
Chevy Chase: I can’t believe this I think I broke a sho…
[ Chevy cuts himself off to keep fixing the set ]
Chevy Chase: You see what I was doing, for those of you at home, we set up this poker game and I was fixing a lightbulb, and…do I have to do…? I don’t know…
Dave Wilson’s voice: Chevy, explain that there were four other people sitting at the table.
Chevy Chase: …four people sitting here, and uh, I was…
Dave Wilson’s voice: Just get to it Chevy, we wanna get a move on.
[ Chevy starts to climb the ladder but decides to make a few adjustments, moving the ladder closer to the table. ]
Chevy Chase: I think I can get that lightbulb.
[ He climbs up a few steps and starts tipping sideways ]
Chevy Chase: Whoop, I go it…
[ Chevy falls down on top of the table and lands on the floor with his feet caught in the ladder. The camera zooms in on his smiling face ]
Chevy Chase: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Dyan Cannon: One of my favorite parts of being in the studio this week has been listening to the music of Leon and Mary Russell.
[ Dan Aykroyd walks up, wearing a dark trenchcoat and clutching the area by his neck ]
Dan Aykroyd: [ speaking hoarsely ] You know.. dreams really do come true, you know. [ Dyan laughs ] Drams really do come true —
Dyan Cannon: Dan —
Dan Aykroyd: And I’m a part of your dream now.
Dyan Cannon: Danny. It is not “a man comes up to me, and he is hoarse.”
Dan Aykroyd: Oh. It’s not?
Dyan Cannon: No, it’s not. It’s “a man rides up to me on a big, white horse.”
Dan Aykroyd: Well, I couldn’t hear that monologue backstage. You know what I mean? Uh.. Lorne was on the phone with Brian Epstein – I was listening in, you know? I’m just a guy looking for a little ray of California sunshine, if you know what I mean.
Dyan Cannon: Listen, that was really nice of you, though. I appreciate you trying.
Dan Aykroyd: Okay. [ exits stage ]
Dyan Cannon: Thank you. No, that was sweet. Okay! Now, Leon and Mary Russell.
[ Clair enters drugstore, picks out a few items, then approaches the counter ]
Clair: Morning, Mr. Goodman.
Mr. Johnson: Ahhhh, Clair! Well, well! How are you, Clair?
Clair: Oh, alright, I guess.
Mr. Johnson: Well, that’s just good! That’s just fine! [ he opens a paper bag ] Let’s just see what you have here: one memorial candle… and a box of Kleenex… [ he bags these items ] Say, Clair? Whatever happened to little Johnny — your little boy? I never see him around here any more.
Clair: [ holding back her tears ] Johnny’s dead! Uh — his school bus went out of control. It was terrible.
Mr. Johnson: Ah! Oh, yes. I remember that now, Clair. That’s right! That’s a shame. Such a young age. It’s a real tragedy, Clair. There’s just no justice in this world, Clair. But, Clair! [ a beat ] What about his teeth?
Clair: [ confused ] Johnny’s dead, Mr. Goodman.
Mr. Johnson: Ah, Clair, I haven’t steered you wrong yet, have I?
Clair: Well… no.
Mr. Johnson: Ah, that’s right! Now, I’ve known Johnny ever since he was a little boy. And, you know, Johnny’s gonna be gonig through a lot of changes. Now, his body will decay — but his TEETH won’t! Not if he uses Cresk! [ he holds up product for the camera ] What do you say, Clair? Why don’t you get some Cresk for little Johnny?
Clair: [ smiling ] Alright, put it on my bill!
Mr. Johnson: Okay! [ he drops a tube of Cresk into her bag ] Good enough! Good enough, Clair!
Clair: Thanks, Mr. Goodman. [ she steps away ]
Mr. Johnson: Okay. Hey! Clair! Remember: Tell them it’s up-and-down, not across!
[ Clair lets out a wail, then exits the drugstore crying ]
Mr. Johnson: That’s right! You can’t beat Cresk for fighting cavities! Now with formaldehyde!
Bathwater of the Stars Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Cindy Cleavage…..Dyan Cannon Roy Waddmaker…..Dan Aykroyd
[Bubbly blonde Cindy Cleavage sits in bathtub filledwith bubbles — in front of a Chroma-Key backdrop ofgiant soap bubbles — smiling and addressing thecamera:]
Cindy Cleavage: Ohhh! Hi! I’m Cindy Cleavage and rightnow I’m taking time out from my busy stage, screen andtelevision schedule to luxurate– luxuriate in a nice,hot bath! Oh, it’s so soothing and my cares just meltaway! And, best of all, this bath won’t go down thedrain, oh no! This bathwater will be sold by RoyWaddmaker’s Bathtub of the Stars!
[Bespectacled Roy Waddmaker pops up from behind thetub, jumping his cue.]
Roy Waddmaker: That’s right, Cindy!
Cindy Cleavage: Isn’t that right, Roy?
Roy Waddmaker: And it will be joined by a pantheon ofcelebrity bathwater, all on sale, six days a week, inmy air-conditioned store at the corner of OlympicBoulevard and Swall Drive in the heart of BeverlyHills. [Roy holds up various containers of bathwaterthroughout the rest of the sketch: jars, flagons,jugs, mugs, glasses, bottles, etc. The Chroma-Key soapbubbles are relplaced by a scrolling list ofcelebrities’ names.]
Cindy Cleavage: Just look at that selection! Thousandsto choose from! Enough bathwater to sink a battleshipin and every drop of it personally approved by anotary public!
Roy Waddmaker: For pennies a day, you could be makingherb tea with this bonded quart of Doug McClure!Filling your steam iron with this jar of Cicely Tyson!Or raising tropical fish in this gallon of Dan Duryea!
Cindy Cleavage: Or watering your lawn with RomySchneider! Making ice cubes from Jay North! Fillingyour radiator with Howard Keel! Soaking your delicateunderthings in Richard Crenna! Or gargling with TatumO’Neal! And, gals, how’d you like to wash that manright into your hair with this generous jug of WarrenOates?!
Roy Waddmaker: And can you imagine — CAN YOUIMAGINE?! — chugging a chilled stein of ShelleyWinters’ bathwater? What a thrill! We havetwo-for-the-price-of-one combinations! We have Cherwith Sonny! Cher with Chastity! Cher with Greg! Cherwith David! And Cher with God knows who! We even haveCher with Willard! [holds up a dead rat] Ah, justkidding, folks! [tries to toss rat away butaccidentally drops it into the tub, startling poorCindy] Whoops! That went in the bath!
Cindy Cleavage: [screams, breaks up laughing, losesher place, finally recovers] Oh, but do you haveanything for the man on my gift list, Roy?
Roy Waddmaker: No guy could resist this importedflagon of Fernando Lamas — perfect for any occasion![Chroma-Key soap bubbles return and Roy holds up abe-ribboned gift box] And what woman wouldn’t bedelighted to receive this seven star gift set withconvenient purse-sized bottles of Dale Robertson,Kitty Carlisle, Jim Backus, Max von Sydow, NipseyRussell, Nancy Kwan and Celeste Holm?! Mix and match– it’s your life — nobody’s the wiser!
Cindy Cleavage: And for you collectors looking forsomething a bit out of the ordinary, why not thesematched pints of Paul Robeson’s bathwater?! Incrediblebut true! [lowers her voice conspiratorially] And whenthese are gone, they’ll be the last, folks, so a wordto the wise.
Roy Waddmaker: A tip worth taking, Cindy! And if it’sbargains you’re after, quite frankly, we’reOVERSTOCKED on Ida Lupino! Over fifty thousandgallons! Enough to fight an octopus in! And best offertakes it! So, whether it’s a glass of Jeff Chandler tosoak your dentures in …
Cindy Cleavage: … or just a bottle of Glenda Jacksonto pour in a paper bag and drop out the window …
Roy Waddmaker: Come to me! Come to me at RoyWaddmaker’s Bathwater of the Stars in the heart ofBeverly Hills! Serving your bathwater needs since1974. [dissolve to and from a sign reading: RoyWaddmaker’s BATHWATER OF THE STARS]
Cindy Cleavage: So, this is Cindy Cleavage saying,”Don’t throw out the baby OR the bathwater!” [winks]
[Dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman whosmiles as she sees herself on the monitor with thewords LOOKING FOR TRUTH superimposed on her image…]
