Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 3
13c: Bruce Willis / Katy Perry
Black Ops
Commander…..Beck Bennett
Hernandez…..Jay Pharoah
Montrose…..Bobby Moynihan
Zernicki…..Bruce Willis
Jarvis…..Taran Killam
Daniels…..Brooks Wheelan
Patterson…..Kenan Thompson
Soldier in Back…..Mike O’Brien
[ open on Black Ops Command Center ]
Commander: Today’s the big day, gentlemen! I hope you’ve got your sleep! The raid on Al Hafaraz Compound takes place at 2300 hours! So let’s go through our responsibilities one more time! Hernandez!
Hernandez: Alright, I approach on the left flank, I establish a perimeter, and make sure the target doesn’t have a viable exit.
Commander: Montrose!
Montrose: Head to the main power grid; I get the signal, I cut the juice!
Commander: Zernicki!
Zernicki: [ as dramatic music plays ] I walk up to the front door and I kick it in! The bad guy looks at me, I smile, I say, “Anybody order a pizza?” They reach for their guns… I’m faster — Pop! Pop! Pop! Dead. Just like that. But there’s a fourth guy I didn’t see ’cause he’s standing behind me, and he tells me drop my gun! I do. And when he’s down to pick it up, surprise! I got a KNIFE at the end of my boot! And I kick him in the THROAT with it, right there! He falls to the ground, and I turn and I say to myself, “Where are you hiding, Al-Hafar?”
Commander: Close! Your job is to wait in the van and make sure our communications don’t go down!
Zernicki: You’re wasting my talents…
Commander: I disagree completely! Jarvis!
Jarvis: I’m on extraction! Two apaches, two clicks out; I get the target, we get out.
Commander: Daniels!
Daniels: Green Team enters the compound. Radios off! Night vision goggles on! We stay… quiet.
Zernicki: [ whispering ] Wrong!
Commander: Zernicki…
Zernicki: I go in LOUD!! Let ’em know I’m there. I yell, “The game is up, Al-Hafar!” He yells out, “American infidel! You’re like a pebble in my shoe. But in order to find me, you have to get by my BODYGUARD!”
Montrose: Uh-oh! Wait, is the bodyguard big?
Commander: Montrose, don’t encourage him!
Zernicki: [ as dramatic music plays ] The bodyguard starts moving toward me, you see? But he sees something on the floor. He bends down to pick it up. Surprise! I got a KNIFE at the end of my boot, and I kick HIM in the throat!
Jarvis: So, wait… He just happens to see something on the floor?
Zernicki: It doesn’t matter!
Jarvis: Okay, cool.
Zernicki: He’s dead, and I’m that much closer to Hafar.
Commander: No, you’re not! You’re in the VAN, making sure our communications don’t go down! Patterson!
Patterson: I’m running a grab team. Intelligence puts Hafar in an upstairs bedroom.
Zernicki: [ he sighs ] Intelligence is wrong… [ as dramatic music plays ] You just walked into that room, which is booby-trapped! KA-BOOM!! I run in, bodies everywhere! I drop to the ground and cradle your head in my hands.
Patterson: My head?
Zernicki: Yeah! I lok at you and I say, “Don’t die on me, don’t you DARE die on me!” You look up at me, and with your last breath you say, “You were ALWAYS my hero!”
Patterson: Yeah, I would NOT say that.
Zernicki: I look to the heavens and I scream, “HAFAR!!” He merges from the smoke: “We meet again, Mr. Zernicki!”
Commander: Again, have you met Hafar before? Yuo HAVE to tell us if you have.
Zernicki: Hafar opens his SHIRT, bombs strapped to his chest! He says, “Let’s meet Allah TOGETHER!” I smirk — of course — “Love to… but I have other plans!” Because, SURPRISE! I have a KNIFE!
Montrose: [ excited ] Ohhhhh, you have a knife in your boot!!
Commander: MONTROSE!!
Zernicki: I kick my boot across the room, the knife goes into Hafar’s neck — but not before he hits the detonator! I don’t have that much time. Forward somersault! Forward somersault! Backward somersault! Of course, I drop my keys… Another forward somersault. I jump out the window, the bomb goes off, I fall to my certain death — But what’s that? A Ferrari driving by!
Commander: [ incredulous ] A Ferrari is driving by in Afghanistan?
Zernicki: I land in the passenger seat — I look over, there’s a blonde driving — and not an ugly one! We’re talking a perfect ten! Oakley Betties [??], the whole bit.
Montrose: YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!
Zernicki: She’s ??, but also… you can tell there’s some interest on her. She gives me a “Who are you?” I give her a little devilish grin, followed by “I’m your future ex-husband.” Fade to black.
Patterson: Wait, what you mean “Fade to black”?
Zernicki: If you want to see what I mean… you’ll all follow me. [ he points to the Commander ] Or stay here with this guy and play it by the books. [ he saunters away ]
Montrose: Awwwww, hey! Yuo know I’M going!
[ Montrose and the others run after him ]
Commander: Hey, guys, come on! We’re Navy Seals! [ a beat ] I DO want to see that Ferrari! [ he runs after them ]
[ fade ]
Air Date:
Summary: Encouraged by the musically-inept Bobby Moynihan, Bruce Willis performs a harmonica duet.
Summary: The energy booster men use to help them cope with the pressures of dating overemotional aspiring actresses.
Summary: Barbers (Jay Pharoah, Kenan Thompson) tell wild over-the-top stories, but newbie Terry (Bruce Willis) can’t match their patter and enthusiasm.
Summary: While the women are out, the boys will bump and grind and throw themselves a wild “Boy Dance Party.”
Summary: Lady Gaga (Vanessa Bayer) hosts a weird talk show with special guests designer Michael Kors (Bruce Willis) and phonetically-challenged actress Penelope Cruz (Kate McKinnon), then gives an audience member (Aidy Bryant) a ridiculous makeover.
Summary: Senate Chaplain Barry Black (Kenan Thompson) offers prayers for the government shutdown. Brooks Wheelan comments about the Army’s upcoming tattoo policy, and advices men to think twice before having hasty symbols inked on themselves.
Summary: Kirby (Bobby Moynihan) nearly jeopardizes his captain’s (Bruce Willis) rescue mission by having his pet kitty cat blow up the asteroid hurtling toward Earth.
Summary: When Mom (Vanessa Bayer) brings her new boyfriend (Bruce Willis) home to meet the family, her son Eddie (Taran Killam) acts overprotective of her, especially after the hapless gentleman nervously combines the words “child” and “son” into an awkward “Chun.”
Summary: As new pledges (John Milhiser, Jay Pharoah) look on, Sigma frat brothers (Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett) outline the rules to a childlike version of Beer Pong.
Summary: Meth smokers can smoke anywhere at any time, thanks to their new electronic vapor alternative.
