Month: October 2018

SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 04/14/12: Another SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19












11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Another SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Taran Kllam
…..Gotye

[ SUPER: “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ “Another” sizzles on top ]

[ cut to Gotye’s dressing room, as Andy Samberg and Taran Killam come knocking ]

Andy Samberg: Hey! Gotye! How are you?

Gotye: Nice to meet you!

Taran Killam: We just wanted to say Hi! before the show!

Andy Samberg: Yeah. Big fans of yours.

Taran Killam: HUGE!

Gotye: I’m a big fan of you guys, too, so…

Andy Samberg: [ humbled ] Ahh! It’s probably me more than Taran, but, uh… [ Taran grimaces ] Your “Somebody I Used To Know” video is amazing! You’re painted, the wall’s painted, and you’re like camoflauged into the scenery.

Taran Killam: Yeah! It’s best of the year.

Gotye: Wow! You seem like really big fans!

Andy & Taran: [ smiling ] We are!!

Gotye: Cool, uh… I’d better get warmed up, you know, and, uh…

Taran Killam: Of course! We’ll get out of your hair!

Gotye: Alright.

Andy Samberg: Have a good one.

[ Andy and Taran exit the dressing room, as Gotye closes the door and sits in front of a painting on the wall and reads the newspaper ]

[ Gotye’s song begins to play, as Andy and Taran appear behind the couch with their bodies painted so as to help them blend in with the painting on the wall ]

Gotye: Guys?

Andy Samberg: What? What’s up?

Gotye: What are you doing?

Andy Samberg: We’re like you! Get it?

Taran Killam: We like your music video! We told you that.

Gotye: Yeah. I just really want to focus on the show tonight.

Andy Samberg: We totally get that…

Taran Killam: We’re not even here.

Andy Samberg: Just ignore us.

[ Gotye stares unbelievably at the stillness of Andy and Taran, until the music pops up again and they begin to sway in time ]

Gotye: Yeah… it’s weird, guys.

Andy Samberg: [ whispering ] Like from the video!

Gotye: Guys! Seriously! Could you leave?! [ the music stops ] Please?

Andy Samberg: A thousand apologies. We overplayed this.

Taran Killam: We see that now.

Gotye: Yes! Uh… we’ll get out of your hair.

Taran Killam: You will NOT see us again.

Gotye: Goodbye.

[ Gotye returns to his paper as Andy and Taran exit the dressing room away from the door ]

Taran Killam: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”

Gotye: Wow.

Andy Samberg: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”

Gotye: Jeez!

Andy & Taran: [ peeking in, with soundtrack ] “I used to know!!”

Gotye: [ jumping up ] GUYS, YOU GOTTA LEAVE!!

[ Andy & Taran rush to the door ]

Gotye: [ covering his eyes ] Put some pants on next time.

[ reveal Andy & Taran’s full-on nudity ]

Taran Killam: We intentionally didn’t pain this part.

Andy Samberg: We wanted you to see.

Gotye: Well, I see!

Andy & Taran: [ weakly ] “I used to knowwww!!”

[ Gotye doesn’t respond ]

Taran Killam: We’ll leave.

Andy Samberg: We’ll leave.

[ Andy & Taran exit Gotye’s dressing room, their bare butts wagging ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 04/14/12: Josh Brolin’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19








11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Josh Brolin’s Monologue

…..Josh Brolin…..Jay Pharoah

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Josh Brolin!

Josh Brolin: Thank you! Thank you! Yeah! Thank you!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It is SO great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I have to say, you know, for me, as an actor, this is just the most exciting challenge in the world. You know, I’ve been in so many serious movies like “No Country For Old Men” and “True Grit”, it’s just refreshing to, you know, come here and just be STUPID! Like REALLY stupid. Like career-endingly stupid. And what a perfect time to be here. Is there anything better than Spring in New York City? [ the crowd cheers ] Girls in short skirts. Guys in weird… tight capri pants. It’s really nice out. I even took one of those bicycle caps at the airport. It cost $1,200, but, luckily, I didn’t have to pay because the guy had a heart attack on the way here.

So this is my second time host. Uh, but the first time with this stylish goatee. I’m contractually obligated to wear it because of a project I’m doing. Uh, starting next month, I’ll be the official spokesman for the 90’s! [ cut to close-up ] You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know me? The 90’s? [ he smiles with a tinkle

I’m also in a movie next month, called “Men in Black III”. [ the crowd cheers wildly ] And in it, Will Smith travels back in time to 1969, and I play a young Tommy Lee Jones. And I did a lot of research for the role, you know? I looked up old photos of Tommy Lee Jones. Here’s one of him as a baby. [ reveal photoshopped image of Tommy Lee Jones’ head on a baby’s body ] So we can’t show you a clip form the movie, because it doesn’t come out until May — so I’m gonna show you the next best thing, okay? [ Jay Pharoah steps out ] So Jay will be doing his Wlil Smith… [ the crowd goes nuts ] and I’ll be doing a young Tommy Lee Jones.

Jay Pharoah: Okay, let me just warm up a little bit, alright? [ he clears his throat loudly ] Uh-huh! Yeah! WHOOOOO!! Okay… okay. [ he begins ] “Ugh! So, uh, check it out, alright? Yo! So there’s these ALIENS, right? So I was THINKING, you know, we should get some of those BIG-ASS space guns and go kick some MARTIAN BUTT! WHOOOO!! You know what I mean, K?”

Josh Brolin: [ arms folded ] “Alright.” [ to the audience ] There you go! Thank you very much!

[ the crowd applauds wildly ]

We’ve got a great show for you tonight! Gotye is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 04/14/12: Woodridge High



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19






















11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Woodridge High

Mr. Russell…..Bill Hader
Katie…..Vanessa Bayer
Stacey…..Nasim Pedrad
Brett…..Taran Killam
Goth Student…..Kenan Thompson
Majorette…..Abby Elliott
Donovan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eric Adler…..Andy Samberg
Dr. Failer…..Josh Brolin
Witch…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Woodridge High School ]

[ dissolve to interior hallway, as Mr. Russell shows Katie around ]

Mr. Russell: There’s the gym, where we have P.E. And through those doors, the cafeteria.

Katie: Thanks for giving me a tour, Mr. Russell! It’s SCARY being the new kid, you know?

Mr. Russell: Oh, don’t worry, Katie, you’ll be fine. Woodridge High is a pretty cool school.

Katie: [ glancing across the hall ] Whoa! Who are they?

[ cut to adjacent hallway, as Stacey and Brett saunter through in slow-motion to Soul Kid #1’s “(More Bounce In) California” ]

Mr. Russell: That’s, uh… Stacey and Brett.

Katie: Wow! What’s their deal?

Mr. Russell: He’s captain of the football team, she’s head cheerleader, and, together, they’re pretty much the coolest couple in school.

Katie: No, I — I mean, why are they walking like that?

Mr. Russell: Oh, yeah. That’s the hallway where everything’s in slow-motion.

[ in slow-motion, Brett pounds on his locker to open it and lean against it, as Stacey applies her lipstick ]

Katie: So… why isn’t it affecting us?

Mr. Russell: Well, we’re not quite in the hallways. No, it starts right about, uh… [ he taes a few small steps forward and waves his hand up and down ] Here. [ his hand now waves in slow-motion ] Yeah. [ he leans into the zone, as an electric charge is heard and his speech slows down ] And it affects evvvvveryyyyyonnnne innnn theeee hallllllwayyyyy… [ he steps back into the normal-speed zone, as another electric charge is heard ] See?

Katie: Wait — it doesn’t work only on the cool kids?

Mr. Russell: No, it works on anyone in the hallway. [ pointing ] See? I mean, these two definitely aren’t cool.

[ cut to nerdy-looking majorette and goth punk sauntering through the hall in slow-motion ]

Katie: So… is it.. is it dangerous?

Mr. Russell: No. [ pointing ] Unless you’re Donovan.

[ cut to Stacey laughing as Brett gives Donovan a wedgie in slow-motion ]

Katie: Well… I don’t care for that. But how does this hallway exist?

Mr. Russell: No one knows for sure. One theory is that it’s cursed, because they burned a crazy old witch here. But our Chemistry teacher, Dr. Failer, he’s trying to prove it’s science.

[ Dr. Failer saunters down the hall in slow-motion, pouring liquid between science jars ]

Katie: Now… can people in the hallways see us?

Mr. Russell: Great question, Katie! They’re in slow-motion, but they can still interact with us. [ calling ] Hey, Brett! It’s gonna take a second for the sound to get to him, you know, everything travels slower…

Brett: Whaaaaaaaatttttt’s uuuuuuuuppppp!!

Mr. Russell: What’s uuuuuupp!! [ to Katie ] You see? It’s just like any other high school.

Katie: But what if you get stuck in there, and you have to go to the bathroom?

Mr. Russell: That’s a question for Eric “Small Bladder” Adler!

[ cut to Eric running down the hall in slow-motion, as urine stains his pants and Stacey and Brett laugh at him ]

Katie: Someone should report this to the government!

Mr. Russell: The government? It moves slow enough! Am I right? [ he laughs ] Hey-ooooo!! I don’t know. Anyway, seriously, the government would destroy our town. [ pointing ] Oh — it looks like Dr. Failer’s got something.

Dr. Failer: [ slowly making his way into the normal zone ] Euuuuuuuuuuuu… [ he pushes through ] REKA!! I know you don’t feel like you’re in slow-motion, but you DO feel COOLER!! Which means that I’m THIS close to finally understanding what’s behind this phenomenon!

Mr. Russell: Is it the curse of the old witch?

Dr. Failer: Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous! It HAS to be SCIENCE!!

[ Dr. Failer rushes back into the slow-motion zone ]

Mr. Russell: [ to Katie ] That’s the, uh… the hallway. You’ll get used to it. Do you want to see the auditorium?

Katie: [ excitedly ] Do I!

[ they turn and exit down the hallway ]

[ back in the slow-motion hallway, reveal the old witch chasing Dr. Failer, Stacey and Brett in slow-motion ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 04/14/12: Bar



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19
















11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Bar

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Barmaid…..Nasim Pedrad
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior of bar ]

[ dissolve to interior, bar counter, where Mitt Romney sits with Rick Santorum ]

Rick Santorum: It’s good to see you, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Hey, thanks for meeting me here. Now that you’re out of the race, I just wanted to tell you in person that you ran a great campaign.

Rick Santorum: Oh, thanks, Mitt. And congratulations on the nomiation. It was hard-fought.

[ Romney chuckles, as the barmaid steps forward ]

Barmaid: What can I get you two?

Rick Santorum: Well, we’re celebrating for my friend, so I’ll have a chocolate milk.

Mitt Romney: Mmm! And I’ll have a napkin. [ the Barmaid steps away ] That was certainly a Primary season to remember, huh?

Rick Santorum: It sure was. There was even a time when people were saying I was the frontrunner. [ Romney chuckles ] Gotta thank you for that, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: The only candidate that can ever make me look exciting.

Mitt Romney: And you’re the only candidate who can make me look gay-friendly!

Rick Santorum: Ah! You’re just saying that! I’m gonna miss you, Mitt.

[ they begin to sing Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” ]

Mitt Romney: [ singing ]
“Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.”

Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
“Times grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to go.”

Together: [ singing ]
“So make the best of this test and don’t ask why!
It’s not a question ,but a lesson learned in time.
It was always unpredictable, but in the end what’s right
This campaign was the time of my life!”

[ the Barmaid returns with their orders ]

Barmaid: There you go.

Mitt Romney: Great! Thank you. [ he takes out an envelope ] And I’ve placed your tip in this envelope. Make sure you give it to your husband when you get home — he’ll know best what to do with it.

[ the Barmaid steps away ]

Rick Santorum: And don’t spend it on birth control!

Mitt Romney: Yeah! Cheers!

[ they tip their glasses, as Rick Perry enters ]

Rick Perry: Hey, I hope y’all aren’t reminiscing without me!

Rick Santorum: What’s up!

Mitt Romney: Rick Perry! Rick!

Rick Santorum: You ran a great campaign, Governor Perry.

Rick Perry: There was even a time when I was the frontrunner. Yeah, I might have won the darned thing if I didn’t take a deuce every time I opened my mouth.

Mitt Romney: Mmm!

Rick Santorum: Still, I’m sure you learned a lot from the campaign.

Rick Perry: Hey, you guys remember that weird game show we were on, standing in front of podiums, answering questions?

Mitt Romney: Rick, that wasn’t a game show. Those were debates.

Rick Perry: “Debates”? If you ask me, they were “de-worst”!

Mitt Romney & Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
“You were always unpredictable!”

Rick Perry: [ singing ]
“Really not that bright.”

All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”

[ Michele Bachmann enters ]

Michele Bachmann: Well, well, well!

Mitt Romney: Hey, it’s Michele Bachmann! Alright! Hey, are you crashing boys night?

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I’ve crashed a lot of boys nights — usually when I come home early and unannounced.

Mitt Romney: Mmm.

Rick Santorum: Great campaign, Michele!

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you had me worried there for a minute.

Michele Bachmann: Yeah, I mean, there was even a moment when I was the frontrunner… and then it all fell apart when Newsweek made a very creepy cover photo of my face.

Mitt Romney: Oh, that’s right! Hey! Come on, Michele — show us the Newsweek face!

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I couldn’t…

Mitt Romney: No! Come on!

All: News-week face! News-week face!

Michele Bachmann: Alright… fine, fine… [ she makes the face ]

All: Yayyyyyyy!!!

[ singing ]
“You were just like Sarah Palin.”

Michele Bachmann: [ singing ]
“Further to the right.”

All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”

Michele Bachmann: Does this bar serve food? I am STARVING!

Mitt Romney: Mmm?

[ Herman Cain enters ]

Herman Cain: Hey! Well, we can always order a PIZZA!

All: HERRRRRRMMMM!!!

Mitt Romney: Herman, let me just say that you ran a GREAT campaign! I mean, you really gave me a run for my money!

Herman Cain: Well, I did alright. Why, there was even a moment there when I was the frontrunner. But, you know… this country just isn’t ready for an African-American president. I mean, especially if he wears a cowboy hat, runs a pizza chain, and sexually harasses every woman he meets.

Michele Bachmann: You never harassed me.

Herman Cain: [ nodding ] Uh-huh.

Mitt Romney: Still — you have to admit your campaign was a wild ride!

Herman Cain: [ he laughs ] Yeah! In the beginning, I was all: “I can fix this economy with 9-9-9.” And by the end I had 999 problems, and the BITCH was ALL of them!

Mitt Romney: I love it! It’s a RAPSTER reference! Alright! Well, Herman… Herman, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

Herman Cain: How about giving me a spot on your cabinet?

Mitt Romney: Well, that depends, Herman — how bad do you want the job?

Herman Cain: Hey, that’s MY line!

[ Romney laughs ]

Herman Cain: [ singing ]
“The choice is unpredictable, but in the end he’s white.”

All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”

Michele Bachmann: Oh no, guys… Gingrich is here.

Mitt Romney: Uh-oh!

[ they all cover their faces as Newt Gingrich breezes past ]

Rick Santorum: I can’t believe he’s still in the race.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: I heard his campaign is completely out of money.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Herman Cain: Oh, man! Look! He’s stealing nuts!

[ reveal Gingrich scooping complimentary peanuts into his shirt pocket ]

Mitt Romney: Awwww, nut-stealer! Hey, uh, can I admit something to you guys?

Rick Santorum: Well, sure. You’re among friends.

Mitt Romney: RomneyCare is just ObamaCare.

Rick Santorum: D’oh!

Mitt Romney: There you go!

Rick Santorum: I KNEW it!! [ Romney chuckles heartily ] I can’t believe none of us could beat you.

Mitt Romney: And I can’t believe it took so long to win! Hey, one more time!

[ singing ]
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.”

Michele Bachmann: [ warbling ]
“Time grabs you by the reins, directs you where to go.”

Rick Santorum & Herman Cain: [ singing ]
“So make the best of this, and don’t ask why!”

Rick Perry: [ singing ]
“It’s not affected, but it…”

[ he throws his hands up and admits he doesn’t know the lyrics ]

All: [ singing ]
“It’s always unpredictable, but in the end was right
This campaign was the time of my life!
This campaign was the time of my liiiiife!”

Mitt Romney: Come on, gang! Say it with me here, huh?

[ everyone crowss around Romney ]

All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiighttttt!!!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 04/14/12



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>





Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


April 14th, 2012

Josh Brolin

Gotye

None

Lorne Michaels

Steven Spielberg

Kimbra

John Solomon

Jorma Taccone

BarSummary: With the Republican Primaries as good as over, Rick Santorum (Andy Samberg), Michele Bachmann (Kristen Wiig), Rick Perry (Bill Hader) and Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) celebrating his impending nomination with Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis), and sing about how the Republican campaign was the time of their life.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich.

Transcript

Montage

Josh Brolin’s MonologueSummary: Josh Brolin jokes about getting stupid no “SNL”, then performs a brief scene from “Men in Black 3” with Jay Pharoah playing th part of Will Smith.

Transcript

HBO First LookSummary: Behind-the-scenes look at “Game of Thrones” reveals that the series’ excessive gratuitous nude scenes were added by 13-year old creative consultant Adam Friedberg (Andy Samberg).

Transcript

The CaliforniansSummary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) and his Californian clan speak in overexaggerated valley accents and provide driving directions within every conservation.

Recurring Characters: Devon, Corina, Stuart, Trey, Maid.

America’s Next Top Empire State Of Mind Parody ArtistSummary: “Weird Al” Yankovic (Andy Samberg) hosts the new reality competition that rates the quality of Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) song parodies.

Recurring Characters: Ke$ha, Jay-Z.

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Laser Cats 7”.

Gotye performs “Somebody That I Used To Know”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: “What Are You Doing?” Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) sing Spring songs.

Recurring Characters: Garth & Kat.

Piers Morgan TonightSummary:

Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Ice-T, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, Andy Lewis.

Woodridge HighSummary: High school principal Mr. Russell (Bill Hader) gives new girl Katie (Vanessa Bayer) a tour of the school, which includes a possibly haunted hallway in which everything runs in slow motion.

Transcript

Another SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Taran Killam visit “Gotye Backstage”, and proceed to mimic his camouflage-inspired music video.

Transcript

Gotye performs “Eyes Wide Open”

PromSummary:

Recurring Characters: Principal Frye, Steve Kane.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Road to the White House



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18




















11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Road to the White House

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Male Supporter #1…..Taran Killam
Male Supporter #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Voice in Audience…..Bill Hader
Female Supporter #1…..Abby Elliott
Female Supporter #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr…..Kenan Thompson
Ann Romney…..Kristen Wiig
Female Supporter #3…..Nasim Pedrad
Female Supporter #4…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span… Road to the White House. Following his primary victories last Tuesday, in Wisconsin, Maryland, and Washington, D.C., Republican frontrunner Mitt Romney makes campaign stops in a dozen cities across the country, where he’ll claim to be interested in things we know he’s not interested in. His first appearance, on Wednesday, was before the Pittsburgh Trade Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney at podium, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: Of course, you know, growing up in Michigan… I’ve always been an enormous fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers! You know? What a team! What a football team! With those uniforms they have… different colors… of course, the great coach… and the various players… who are all SO terrific, you know? I could name them all… uh… yeah! In baseball, on the other hand, I rooted for the Pirates. Oh, Jiminy Cricket! What a ball club! All those players, hitting and catching the ball… [ he glances around the room ] Yeah, and how about those Pittsburgh Penguins! Huh?

Voice: We don’t believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Okay! Alright… okay…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Later that day, Mitt Romney spoke before a meeting of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals — or, ASPCA.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, with one female supporter at his side ]

Mitt Romney: In politics, we’re often told that sometimes we simply HAVE to compromise. But let me tell you, here and now: There is ONE issue on which I will NEVER back down! NEVER cut a deal, NEVER compromise! Because it’s the core of who I am: Cat spaying! It’s simply the right thing to do, and, quite frankly, the reason I got into this race. I want to be known as the “cat neutering president”.

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Thursday morning. Governor Romney was in East St. Louis, Illinois, where he spoke to the local Chamber of Commerce.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, surrounded by supporters and Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr. ]

Mitt Romney: You know, Ann and I have lived and traveled all over the world, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: The only place that has EVER truly felt like home… is right HERE! East St. Louis, Illinois!

Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr.: Are you crazy? This is a hell hole!

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] Really? I find it to be such a lovely place!

Mayor Alvin Parks, Jr.: Trust me — I’m the Mayor. This place is a hell hole! We live… in a HELL hole!

Female Supporter #2: Yeah. We HATE it here!

Mitt Romney: Okay! Alright! Okay!

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: That afternoon, Governor and Mrs. Romney were in Oklahoma, where they met with the Kiamichi Country Sportsmen’s ASsociation.

[ dissolve to Mitt and Ann Romney standing ouside, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: You know, unfortunately, with our schedules, Ann and I don’t get to nearly as many cockfights as we’d like. Now, but let me tell you — cockfighting has brought us more sheer enjoyment in our marriage than anything we have EVER experienced! And that’s why, frankly, I want ot be the COCKFIGHTING president!

[ Ann covers her face ]

[ dissolve to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Thursday evening, Governor Romney stopped in Dallas, to address the National Convention of the Role Playing Game Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, cloaked and brandishing a light sabre ]

Mitt Romney: You know… you know, in all honesty, I can’t remember a time when “Dungeons & Dragons” WASN’T an important part of my life!

Voice: We don’t believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Okay! Alright… okay…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Friday morning, Governor Romney was in Chicago, where he spoke at a meeting of the American Diabetes Association.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, surrounded by supporters ]

Mitt Romney: Of course, no one — no one WANTS to get sick. You know? But, uh… but, uh, quite frankly, I’ve always thought that if I HAD to develop a chronic disease… you know I-I-I hope it would be Adult Onset Diabetes! [ the supporters grimace slightly ] What a FASCINATING illness, you know, when you think about it…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Later, Governor Romney made an appearance at the 2012 Piercing Convention.

[ dissolve to Mitt and Ann Romney standing at podium, surrounded by freaky pierced supporters ]

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] You know… you know, when people ask me, “Mitt, just how many piercings do you have?” Well, I always say, “More than I need, but less than I want!” Now, besides the two nipple rings, which I’ve already spoken about… and the taint! [ Ann gives him a curious look ] Uh — I’ve recently added a barbell tongue stud, which Ann and I both enjoy very much! [ Ann smiles sheepishly ]

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: That afternoon, before the start of Passover, Governor Romney appeared at a meeting of the United Jewish Appeal.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at podium, dressed in Jewish holy garb and opening a holy book of prayer, as he recites Jewish tongues ]

Voice: We don’t believe you!

Mitt Romney: [ defensively ] Alright… okay… alright…

[ cut to C-Span screen ]

Announcer: Finally, on Saturday, Governor Romney was in New York, where he appeared in the opening of “Saturday Night Live”.

[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing at Home Base ]

Mitt Romney: [ chuckling ] You know… I-I’ve just gotta tell you, quite frankly, it’s a thrill to be here on “Saturday Night Live”. It’s my FAVORITE show — all the wonderful comic skits… and send-ups… and japes over the years! You know, it’s really something! And, of course, there’s that unforgettable opening that we all know, oh so well! “Hey New York, let’s start the show!”

Voice: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”

Mitt Romney: Yeah! Exactly! What he said! That’s right!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Almost Pizza



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18












11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Almost Pizza

Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on suburban kitchen, Mom standing over a hot pizza as Dad enters ]

Dad: Mmm, pizza! I didn’t hear the delivery guy pull up.

Mom: That’s because it’s not delivery.

Dad: Really.

Mom: And it’s not exactly pizza, either. [ she holds up box ] It’s Almost Pizza!

Dad: [ amused ] Come on! That’s pizza!

Mom: No. It’s very nearly pizza, but not quite. It’s Almost Pizza. See? [ she holds up the box again ] Come on, let’s eat!

Dad: So, it’s, uh… tofu pizza, something like that?

Mom: No. You could put tofu on a pizza, and still legally call it pizza. But don’t call this pizza. It’s Almost Pizza. Pizza that’s practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on! Dig in!

Dad: But it’s food, though. Right?

Mom: Come on!!

[ Daughter enters kitchen ]

Daughter: Oooooh, pizza! Nice one, Mom!

Dad: Hang on here! What exactly is this, Carol?

Daughter: It looks like pizza!

Mom: It’s meant to!

Dad: But it’s NOT! If it was pizza, it would just say “PIZZA”!

Mom: Look — I’ll eat some!

[ she lifts a slice of Almost Pizza to her mouth, but turns it away and pretends to eat it ]

Daughter: It sure smells like pizza!

Mom: That was their intention!

Dad: WHOSE?!

Mom: Just try it, Tom, it’s getting cold!

Dad: NO!! If anything, it’s getting HOTTER!! WHAT IS THIS, CAROL?!!

Mom: Just eat some!

Dad: HELL… NO!!

Daughter: I’ll eat it!

Dad: NO!!

[ he swats the pizza out of his Daughter’s hands, sending it crashing to the floor and shattering like glass ]

Dad: WHAT THE FUCK?!!

Mom: I said it was pizza!

[ suddenly, the shattered pizza pulls itself together and reforms into its original slice, then scurries underneath the refridgerator ]

Announcer: If it’s almost dinner, then it’s almost time for Almost Pizza! The thing that’s much like pizza, roughly speaking. From Pfizer.

[ Dad furiously tries to stomp on the pizza and kill it ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Pantene Commercial



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18












11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Pantene Commercial

Director…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Sofia Vergara
Penelope Cruz…..Kate McKinnon
Marker…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ]

[ dissolve to interior set ]

Director: Oh, thank you so much for doing this, Sofia. Pantene is so happy to have you for this commercial.

Sofia Vergara: Of course, Jerry. I love Pantene and ALL of the shampoos!

Director: Oh! And, uh, here comes your co-star. This is Miss Penelope Cruz.

Penelope Cruz: Hello! Hello! Thank you for having me! I’m… [ mumbled ] Penelly Cruz. I’m ready to film the commercial, okay? Okay! And… action!

Director: [ laughing ] No, wait, wait, hold on, Penelope. Not quite yet. Uh, but I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re excited. Sofia, you know Penelope, right?

Sofia Vergara: Yes, of course! Penelope, I LOVE you! I’m a big fan! BIG FAN!

Penelope Cruz: You’re a fan of me, Penelope? I’m a fan of you, Sofia! Hello!

Director: Uh… okay. Alright, ladies, here’s what I’m gonna need you to do. You’re just going to have to sit on the couch, all you have to do is look as beautiful as you… both are. And hold these… these are the shampoos right there. [ he hands them each a bottle ] Now, you’re just gonna read your lines right of that teleprompter over there. [ he points ] Okay? It should be nice and easy. Alright? Here we go.

[ Marker steps forward ]

Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take One!

Director: And… ACTION!!

[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]

Sofia Vergara: We love… Pantene Shampoo.

Penelope Cruz: [ mumbles ] It’sh all natch-a-wow.

Sofia Vergara: So it’s got everything… our hair needs. Like… Aloe. [ SUPER: “Aloe” ]

Penelope Cruz: But without the things she doesn’t need, like… [ mumbled ] “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate.” [ SUPER: “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate” ] Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate. [ SUPER: “Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate” ] Selenium Sulfide. [ SUPER: “Selenium Sulfide” ] And… Tea… Duh-join-dee-dee [ SUPER: “Tea-Dodecylbenzene” ]

Sofia Vergara: And we like that!

Director: And… CUT!! Okay, great! Alright. Sofia — great job! Great job!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you, Jerry!

Director: Uh — Penelope?

Penelope Cruz: [ quickly ] Yes! I was also great! [ she smiles ]

Director: Uh… okay. Uh — actually, I was gonna say you’re kind of hard to understand.

Penelope Cruz: Okay. But it seemed that… maybe my words were harder. Just my words.

Director: I… don’t know…

Sofia Vergara: No! My words were hard, too. I had to say “Pantene”, and then I had to say “Hair”.

Director: Exactly. So, uh — okay, you know what? Let’s try starting with, maybe, an easier script, and then we’ll come back to this one later, okay?

Penelope Cruz: Okay.

Director: Uh, do we already have the new version on the teleprompter? [ he glances off-screen ] Yes, we do. Great! Here we go.

[ Marker steps forward ]

Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Two!

Director: And… ACTION, ladies!!

[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]

Sofia Vergara: My hair… is pretty. [ SUPER: “Pretty” ]

Penelope Cruz: And allow me to explain why. Pantene rejuvanates hair in all three stages of [ mumbling ] Fa-lip-it-ar de-vel-ip-ment… [ SUPER: “Follicular Development” ] The On-again Phase… [ SUPER: “Anagen” ] The Ca-ba-den Phase… [ SUPER: “Catagen” ] And the Tiv-i-den Phase. [ SUPER: “Telogen” ]

Sofia Vergara: It’s like magic. [ SUPER: “Magic” ]

Penelope Cruz: But it’s not magic. It’s complicated science. [ SUPER: “Science” ] Pantene revigorates the superficial [ mumbling ] Art-ear-ial special … [ SUPER: “Ateriovenous Plexus” ] by rejuvanating the [ mumbling ] Special… special”… [ SUPER: “Sebaceous Gland” ]

Sofia Vergara: And we like that. Yayyyyyy! [ SUPER: “Yay!” ]

Director: Alright! Cut! Cut! Let’s cut there. Alright. Ladies… ladies… great! I mean, EXCELLENT couch work, okay? And, Sofia — once again, amazing job!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you! I give myself… an A+!

Director: [ laughing ] Alright. Great. Penelope?

Penelope Cruz: I know, I know… but, Jerry — am I bananas, or were my lines, once again, way more complicated than Sofia’s?

Director: Um…

Sofia Vergara: Really? But I had to say the word “Yayyyyy!”

Director: Yeah. Yay. You know what, how about we make this a little easier? We’ll just put some basic hair-related words on the teleprompter over there, and, uh, then you can just take turns reading them, okay?

Penelope Cruz: So we just say ONE easy word at a time?

Director: Yeah, exactly.

Penelope Cruz: Okay!

[ Marker steps forward ]

Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Three!

Director: And… ACTION, ladies!!

[ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]

Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Lush” ] Lush!

Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Filamentous Biomaterial” ] Feel-o-mentos Bio-menthen.

Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Glossy” ] Glossy!

Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Pheomelanin” ] Fay-o-men-a-mean.

Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Nice” ] Nice!

Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Phytomorphogenesis” ] Base-dee-dee-ded-o-bo…

Director: No! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, Penelope, it’s Phy-to-morph-o-gen-e-sis.

Penelope Cruz: Ray-fridger-ator!

Director: No! No, sweetie, listen to me. It’s not “Refrigerator”, okay? Say it with me: “Phyto.”

Penelope Cruz: Fido.

Director: Good. “Morpho.”

Penelope Cruz: Mor-fo!

Director: “Genesis!”

Penelope Cruz: Jeff Bridges!

Director: No… no… no…

Sofia Vergara: Jerry, let me help her. I know the word.

Director: Go ahead.

Sofia Vergara: Penelope. Listen… and I will help. Ray-fridge-orrrrr-atorrrrrr!

Director: Nope! No, Sofia, that’s wrong!

Penelope Cruz: “Lush”? It’s “Lush”?

Director: No! Okay, you know what? That’s fine. Okay. You know, I think I have a plan to make this work.

[ cut to the finished commercial, starting with the products in front of a water background, then dissolve to Sofia Vergara and Penelop Cruz on the couch ]

Sofia Vergara: Hair! Pretty!

[ as Penelope Cruz opens her mouth, an Announcer’s words spill out ]

Announcer: For more information about our product, visit www.pantene.com.

Sofia and Penelope: Yayyyyyy!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Sofia Vergara’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18








11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Sofia Vergara’s Monologue

…..Sofia Vergara
…..Manolo Gonzalez

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sofia Vergara!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone! It is so wonderful to be here tonight hosting “La Noche de Sabado Vivo”! I have to thank ALL of you, because this is such a HUGE moment for me in my life. I never dreamed that I would be here in New York City. I came here all the way from a small town in Columbia called Barranquilla. Barranquilla is a Spanish word that means “Cleveland”.

I always heard that immigrants had a really hard life when they came to America. But when I showed up here, everyone was so nice. The men bought me drinks and offered me a place to sleep. This country welcomed me with open arms and pulled-down pants! And, also, I am so lucky to be part of the AMAZING cast of “Modern Family”. Growing up in Columbia, it was every girl’s dream to one day grow up… and marry Al Bundy.

I am also so proud to have my son Manolo with me here tonight. [ reveal her son in the audience ] Hi, Manolo!

Manolo Gonzalez: Hi, Mom! [ he waves ]

Sofia Vergara: I know what you’re all thinking. How can she have a son who’s that old? But he’s only five. South Americans develop very quickly. But then, they stay the same age FOREVER! Just look at my grandparents over there!

[ reveal young couple sitting next to her son ]

Sofia Vergara: Hola, Abuela!

And, finally… you may have noticed that I have a bit of an accent sometimes. I love it! This accent can make anything… sound sexy. Listen: [ sexily ] “Gon-a-rrrrrrhea!” [ she smiles ] “Reek San-torrrrrrum.” “New Jerrrrrr-sey.” “Mmm-hmmmmm… New Jerrrrrr-sey!” So, tonight, please forgive me if you cannot understand what I say. And I will forgive you for staring at my CHEST the whole night!

We have a great show for tonight! One Direction… is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts