Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
Goodnights
…..Emma Stone
Emma Stone: Thank you to Coldplay, Andrew Garfield… Lorne, the cast… my mom, my dad, Spencer! Thank you SO much, you’ve been great! Thank you.
Month: October 2018
SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 11/12/11: The Republican Presidential Debate
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
The Republican Presidential Debate
Maria Bartiromo…..Nasim Pedrad
John Harwood…..Fred Armisen
John Hunstman…..Taran Killam
Michelle Bachman…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Announcer: [ over opening graphics ] Live from Aucoin University in Rochester, Michigan, it’s the CNBC Republican Debate.
[ dissolve to debate moderators ]
Maria Bartiromo: Good evening, and welcome to the CNBC Republican Debate. I’m Maria Bartiromo.
John Harwood: And I’m John Harwood. Let’s meet our candidates. On the stage tonight are John Huntsman… [ he smiles ] Michelle Bachman… [ she smiles ] Newt Gingrich… [ he grins ] Ron Paul… [ he stares, petrified ] Rick Santorum… [ he shakes his head untrustingly ] Herman Cain… [he winks slyly ] Mitt Romney… [ he nods ] and Rick Perry. [ he gives a champion pose ]
Maria Bartiromo: We begin with Herman Cain. Mr. Cain, as more women come forward, you’ve repeatedly changed your story. How do you explain your inconsistent responses to these allegations?
Herman Cain: Well, theres been NO inconsistency, my storys never changed. To recap: I forgot. Then I was reminded. Then I remembered. And then I forgot having remembered. And then, pizza break. And one thing is — for every woman that has come forward, there are two who have not.
Maria Bartiromo: Moving on to Governor Perry —
Rick Perry: Hey, before I start — I want to say that I know I’ve had some trouble in past debates. But tonight, I’m feeling good, I think I’m really gonna nail it. [ he points his fingers like guns ] Texas Hgih Five!
Maria Bartiromo: Alllllright. With emerging crisies in Greece and Italy, What would you do to protect and grow the American ecomony?
Rick Perry: [ he clears his throat ] Well, the first thing I would do as President… is cut government spending. So when I get to Washington, there are three — THREE! — agencies I’d cut immediately: Commerce, Education, and, uh… uh… uh, what’s the third one there…? [ he laughs nervously ] It got away from me. [ he shrugs ] Oops!
John Harwood: But, uh, seriously, Governor, uh — what is the third department to cut?
Rick Perry: Come on, man, I said “Oops!” [ he laughs ] Okay, I got it — the three departments I cut: Education, Commerce… eeeugh, why is this so hard? Its up there somewhere, I can feel it dancing around! Come on! Come on, I-I-I’d know it if I heard it…
Ron Paul: EPA?
Rick Perry: There it is! EPA! Thanks, Ron! Hey, how about little Ronnie Paul here, huh? [ Paul waves him off ] With his little birdie arms, huh? It’s the EPA — thank you!
John Harwood: [ stone=faced ] Is it really the EPA?
Rick Perry: No, sir… no, sir. I’m trying to think, but my brain is just going: [ he blows a raspberry and laughs ]
Maria Bartiromo: And you still haven’t named the third department.
Rick Perry: Euugh… oh, I know it! It’s, uh… uh… Mard. That’s not a word! [ he laighs nervously ]
Mitt Romney: Uh, look — Maria, could we just move on? I mean, Iwant to be president, but, uh… not like this.
Rick Perry: Hey, hey. I don’t need your help, Mitt. Okay? I-I-I know all three now. Ready? Commerce… oh, God, I only know one now!
Michelle Bachmann: Maybe you have it written down in your notes.
Rick Perry: Good idea! Yeah, yeah, uh… [ he shuffles some note cards in his hands ] I’m such a Messy Marvin. Uh, the debates are hard, right, guys? [ Romney purses his lips and blows ] Is it the Department of Zoos and Parades? It might be that. No? [ Huntman is bewildered ] Uh — does it start with an “M”, or an “X”? Is there an “X” on there maybe, uhh…? [ Cain is wide-eyed ] Is it trains? trains? No, you can’t cut trains! [ Gingrich’s lip quivers, as Bachmann covers his eyes ] There’s so many, uh… so many departments!
Rick Santorum: Make it stop! Somebody make it stop!!
Rick Perry: I’m really trying here, guys. I don’t know what, uh…
Ron Paul: [ pointing ] All the cards are BLANK!
Rick Perry: Hey, no peeking! [ sweating ] It is hot… let me get out of this jacket real quick… [ he removes his jacket to reveal a half-shirt underneath ] I gotta have my dickey on! [ he laughs ]
John Harwood: Governor Perry, we are still waiting for a third department.
Herman Cain: Hey! Leave him alone! Look! I’ll tell you about the women! I’ll tell you all the vivid details — and there are A LOT!! Just leave this poor man alone! Look at him!
[ Perry is pounding his head into his podium ]
Rick Perry: I can’t… I can’t say stuff good. The words… don’t… they don’t talk right…
[ Romney steps forward and puts his arm around Perry ]
Mitt Romney: Come here. Come here, come here. It’s okay. It’s okay. Come here, come here. It’s alright.
Rick Perry: I’m not gonna be president, am I?
Mitt Romney: No. No, you’re not.
Rick Perry: Can I be your vice-president?
Mitt Romney: Sure, sure, sure… [ behind Perry, he shakes his head and mouths “No!” ]
Rick Perry: Where are we going after this, Mitt?
Mitt Romney: Uhh… We’re going to go to a nice field, where you never have to say another word. There’s going to be a cow and a chicken.
Rick Perry: I like that. Are there rabbits?
Mitt Romney: Yeah. Yeah, rabbits everywhere.
Rick Perry: Tell me about the rabbits, Mitt.
Mitt Romney: You can tend the rabbits.
Maria Bartiromo: Okayyyy. We turn now to…
[ a gun is fired and heard ricocheting ]
Mitt Romney: It bounced right off!
Rick Perry: I got it! Department of Engery! [ he throws his arms up victoriously ] Alright! And, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!”
SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 11/12/11: Bridal Shower Gifts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
Bridal Shower Gifts
Bride…..Kristen Wiig
Kendra…..Vanessa Bayer
Maria…..Abby Elliott
Wallis…..Emma Stone
Mom…..Nasim Pedrad
Tony……Fred Armisen
Stripper #1…..Taran Killam
Stripper #2…..Andy Samberg
[ open on bridal shower setting ]
Bride: [ grabbing gift ] Okay, uh… who’s this from?
Kendra: That’s from me. Happy bridal shower! [she laughs ]
Bride: [ opening the gift ] What is this? Kendra! Sexy lingerie?
Kendra: Read the label — it’s edible!
Bride: I hope it doesn’t have carbs! [ ahe laughs ] Okay, I’ll pass it around!
Wallis: [ deep-voiced ] Nobody gives a crap — huh huh!
Maria: [ handing gift over ] Open mine!
Bride: Okay. [ she opens it ] Oh, my gosh! Furry handcuffs? Maria!
Maria: [ laughing ] What? They’re silly!
Bride: Mom, shield your eyes.
Mom: I think you girls might be a little freaky!
[ the girls all laugh at the comment ]
Wallis: [ pointing ] That lady’s old — huh huh huh!
Bride: [ picking up gift ] Um — alright, okay, well, um… this one is, uh, from Wallis. Wallis and I work together.
Wallis: I just want to thank you again for including me, even though we don’t hang out that much at work.
Bride: Oh. Sorry.
Wallis: It’s really nice.
Bride: Let’s see what it is… [ she opens the gift ] It’s, uh… uh… anal lubricant. [ reading ] “Unscented petroleum gel… to ease anal pentra–.” Thank you. Okay.
Kendra: Oh, my God — Wallis! I —
Wallis: [ confused ] Did I do wrong? I thought we were supposed to get sex stuff?
Maria: Wallis, you’re supposed to get funny sex stuff — like cute things!
Wallis: Ohhh, I’m sorry. I never been to a bridal shower before. I was so grateful to be invited, I really don’t want to whiff this.
Bride: Oh! Well, you didn’t know, so… [ she laughs ]
Wallis: You want to pass it around?
Bride: Sure. [ she hands it to Kendra ]
Kendra: Thanks. [ looking at it ] Has this been opened?
Wallis: Mmm-hmm.
Bride: Okay! Uh… um, why don’t I, um, open this other gift from Maria? [ she grabs a gift ] It feels like a DVD! [ she opens it ] “Secrets of the Kama Sutra”? Yuo guys!
Kendra: Maria, you are so bad!
Maria: You guys are gonna thank me later!
Kendra: You are so bad!
Bride: Alright, I’ll get the next one. [ she grabs a gift ] Um — it feels like another video. [ she opens it ] Um — “Twink Summer: Gay Boy toys From All Around the World”.
Wallis: Get it? Huh huh! It’s a SEX movie! It’s like hers! Okay… I think I did wrong again.
Mom: [ confused ] What’s the movie? I don’t understand.
Bride: No, no — it’s nothing, Mom!
Wallis: It’s “Twink Summer”, Ma’am. It’s 90 minutes, 100 twinks… one unforgettable summer!
Bride: Wallis! Wallis… Wallis. [ she holds up her hand ] Okay, are there any other gifts?
Wallis: Nope. [ she grabs a long, skinny gift ] Looks like we’re out of gifts. Let’s move on, no more! [ she throws the gift over the couch ]
Bride: Okay… uh, why don’t we read the bridal quizzes? [ the girls get excited ] Okay, Question 1: “Who is the bride’s celebrity sexception?” Oh, Kenda wrote “Ryan Gosling”…
Kendra: He’s mine!
Bride: Oh, my goodness — you, too!
Wallis: [ nervously ] Okay, okay… looks like we all put Ryan Byling! We should just destroy the quizzes, move on! Okay!
Bride: Oh, my God… who wrote “Michael Vick”?
Wallis: Yeah, who… wrote that? I should explain — I have never taken a bridal quiz before.
[ the doorbell rings ]
Maria: Uh-oh! I think that might be a sexy visitor!
Bride: What did you do?
[ Kendra answers the door, as Tony in chains enters ]
Tony: Is there a Wallis here?
Wallis: Oh, no! Hey — maybe we should psss that lube around again.
Bride: Wallis, who is this?
Wallis: Okay, Chuckas… [ to the girls ] I hired this guy before I understood the tone of the party.
Tony: Okay, uh — Ground rules: My name is Tony. I am a Human Toilet. You can go to the bathroom on me! If you have a dish, I’ll eat it like a dog! But I do not provide the dish.
Wallis: [ embarrassed ] Oh, God… I am so embarrassed, ladies. I thought he provided the dish! I didn’t know…
Mom: Who’s that man?
Bride: No one, no one!
Wallis: He’s a Human Toilet, Mrs. Malone! We can go ot the bathroom on him. He’s kind of like a…
[ suddenly, the real strippers come in ]
Stripper #1: Freeze, ladies! You have the right to see our buns!
Wallis: Ohhhh, CRAP! It’s the PO-PO! [ she punches the stripper in the nose ]
Stripper #2: Hey! What are you doing?!
Wallis: DIE, PIG!!
[ she pounds hell out of the second stripper, as the others call her off ]
Maria: They’re not cops, they’re STRIPPERS!!
Wallis: [ relieved ] Oh, thank God! Okay, sorry! I also brought, like, a bunch of cocaine! I have NEVER been to a bridal party before!
Mom: [ to Tony ] What does $20 get me?
Tony: $10 gets you the world.
Mom: Good dog!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Emma Stone: 11/12/11
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 6
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
November 12th, 2011
Emma Stone
Coldplay
None
Andrew Garfield
None The Republican Presidential DebateSummary: The other Republican presidential nominees take a back seat when Rick Perry (Bill Hader) wastes time trying to remember which three government agencies he’d like to cut.
Recurring Characters: Jon Huntsman, Michelle Bachman, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry.
Transcript
Montage
Emma Stone’s Monologue
Summary: Because Emma Stone is co-starring in the new “Spider-man” movie, Andy Samberg hangs upside-down in a Spider-man costume as a mock repeat of Kirsten Dunst’s monologue from 2002, and is disappointed to learn that the new Spider-man is British actor Andrew Garfield.
Transcript
Secret Word
Summary: Emcee Lyle Round (Bill Hader) is frustrated when celebrity panelists Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) and pageant winner Charlene Stumphries (Emma Stone) are unable to grasp the concept of the game without sacrificing their huge egos.
Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.
WXPD News
Summary: Elderly reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) teeters through a live remote at the scene of an apartment safety dispute.
Recurring Characters: Herb Welch, Wanda Ramirez, Jack Rizzoli.
An SNL Digital Short
Summary: “Wish It Would Rain”
Coldplay performs “Paradise”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: The Devil (Jason Sudeikis) is outraged when he learns that the situation at Penn State with Jerry Sandusky is more than a simple recruiting scandal. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) and their full-time back-up singer (Chris Martin) promote their new Thanksgiving-themed album.
Recurring Characters: The Devil, Garth & Kat.
Les Jeunes de Paris
Summary: Juliette (Emma Stone) is off to see the world, but Francois (Taran Killam) initiates a cafe dance-off in order to keep her in France long enough to get her to marry him.
Recurring Characters: Francois, Juliette, Marius, Stewart.
Transcript
Bridal Shower GiftsSummary: Socially-inept Wallis (Emma Stone) desperately tries to fit in at her co-worker’s (Kristen wiig) bridal shower, but keeps making a mess of things by giving overly inappropriate gifts.
Transcript
Coldplay performs “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall”
Sad Song
Summary: After losing a business account, Karen (Nasim Pedrad) wraps herself around Adele’s “Someone Like You” and enjoys a good cry, which quickly forms a chain reaction among her co-workers.
Transcript
We’re Going To Make Technology Hump
Summary: Tech geeks Colleen (Emma Stone) and Jacob (Andy Samberg) present videos of digital goods humping one another.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Paterno Press ConferenceSummary: Former Penn State coach Joe Paterno (Jason Sudeikis) holds a press conference to discuss his recent firing.
Headz Up
Summary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.
Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.
The Herman Cain ShowSummary: Herman Cain (Kenan Thompson) hosts a talk show where his guests are only allowed to talk about him.
Recurring Characters: Herman Cain.
Homecoming
Frozen Mexican Dinner
Summary: When a musician (Paul Brittain) admits to being constipated, fellow band member (Fred Armisen) offers him a solution with a single dose of a frozen Mexican dinner.
Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Steve Buscemi.
FarewellSummary: Silvio Berluscani (Jason Sudeikis) bids his farewell in song after resigning as Italy’s prime minister.
Silent FilmSummary: Nefarious villain (Jason Sudeikis) ties a damsel (Emma Stone) to the train tracks, but circumstances prevent him from seeing his evil deed through.
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Charlie Day’s Monologue
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Charlie Day’s Monologue
…..Charlie Day
…..Danny DeVito
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlie Day!
Charlie Day: Thank you, guys! Thank you! Thank you very much! [ he bows ] Thank you! Okay, okay, okay, okay, alright! Now… my name is Charlei Day. [ the audoence cheers wildly ] I knoqw that Don Pardo jsut said it, but I think it’s important to confirm… that I’m actually hosting “Saturday Night Live”! This is happening! It’s happening.
Alright, let’s get to the facts. Alright. I was born here in New York City. I lvied here until I was two years old — it’s true. I have a very vivid memory of what the city was like back then in the 70’s, though. BeCause, in the 70’s, New York was crazy. People were HUGE! They were GIANTS! Right? You’d come up to their knees. And I remember all the street signs, they were written in gibberish! Oh, and also — if you walked out of your building, and you walked down to the park… there was a big, scary dog that would bark at you. It was a crazy city, a crazy place. I like it a lot better now.
Okay, a couple of reasons why it’s a good time for me: Uh, my show, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! It’s in its SEVENTH season! [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! And my beautiful wife and I are about to have our first baby. [ the audience cheers wildly ] I know, right — SEVEN seasons! It’s so cool. Really cool stuff. It just kind of hit me the other day, you know?
Anyway, I know a lot of hosts come out here, they’re nervous… but, like, it’s such a good time for me, that I’m relly relaxed. You know? So I figured I’d just relax and enjoy the moment…
[ suddenly, Danny DeVito runs up on stage, to thunderous applause ]
Danny DeVito: No, no, Charlie, look, you can’t — I just heard you say you’re going to relax?
Charlie Day: I am.
Danny DeVito: You can’t relax!
Charlie Day: Yes, I can! I have done a lot to get here! I’m just gonna kick back and enjoy it, you know, savor it.
Danny DeVito: Well, who do you think you are — Justin Timberlake?
Charlie Day: What?
Danny DeVito: I mean, come on! Guys like us, we gotta really PUT OUT, baby!
Charlie Day: What?!
Danny DeVito: We gotta WORK, baby! We gotta —
Charlie Day: What do you mean, “Guys like us”? What are you getting at?
Danny DeVito: Well, you know — we’re not “pretty boys”!
Charlie Day: Hey, man — don’t say that about yourself.
Danny DeVito: I said “we’re” not “pretty boys”.
Charlie Day: Well, don’t lump ME in with YOU!
Danny DeVito: What do you mean, I’m not lumping? I’m lumping! I mean, you know, if you had a body like Scarlett Yohannsen —
Charlie Day: “Johannsen”.
Danny DeVito: Johannsen, I’m sorry! Okay! If you had a body like her…
Charlie Day: Okay.
Danny DeVito: I mean, you could just COAST a little bit. But you gotta PUT OUT! Look — this is your first time hosting “Saturday Night Live”.
Charlie Day: Yeah! It’s a big deal to me!
Danny DeVito: You’re a virgin, man!
Charlie Day: Look! You come in here, you’re interrupting my monologue –!
Danny DeVito: You gotta PUT OUT for this people! [ to the audience ] Right? [ the audience cheers wildly ] You gotta go DOWN! ON! THAT ROW!
Charlie Day: Yeah! Alright!
Danny DeVito: I know what you’re gonna do!
Charlie Day: What do you want me to do?
Danny DeVito: You gotta play a song for us!
Charlie Day: Play a song?
Danny DeVito: That’s right!
[ the audience cheers wildly, as DeVito pushes Day toward a piano on stage ]
Charlie Day: You know, it’s called a MONOLOGUE because ONE person does it! [ he sits at the piano and puts a harmonica around his neck ] Alright.
[ singing and playing ]
“I believe in who I am
I believe in Charlie Day!
Now I got the spotlight, baby!
So I’d like to say:
You may not know it!
But I’m gonna show it!
I got some tricks up my sleeve!
I play piano — medicore piano
Check it out, if you don’t believe!”
[ he runs his hand across the keys ]
“That’s called a key chain.
Was that impressive?
Well, maybe not, but that’s okay!
I’m feeling alright, because it’s show night
But it’s Charlie Day Day!”
So, hit me! Yeah, hit me!
[ DeVito runs back up again, hugging Day ]
Danny DeVito: You’re the BEST, baby! That’s hosting, baby!
Charlie Day: We’ve got a GREAT show! We got a great show for you tonight!
Danny DeVito: Tell them about the band!
Charlie Day: STOP telling me what to do!
Danny DeVito: Okay!
Charlie Day: Maroon 5 is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Kim’s Fairy Tale Divorce
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Kris Jenner…..Kristen Wiig
Chris Humphries…..Andy Samberg
Kortney Kardashian…..Vanessa Bayer
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Ken Harris…..Charlie Day
Lamar Odom…..Jay Pharoah
[ open on wedding day footage ]
Announcer: They already stole your heart. Now, get ready for the LATEST Kardashian event.
[ cut to Kim Kardashian ]
Kim Kardashian: Whoopsees, I got divorced!
[ dissolve to title slide ]
Announcer: “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce”.
[ dissolve to Kris Jenner ]
Kris Jenner: Can you believe I’m old enough to have a daughter who’s getting divorced? No, you can’t — because my surgeries worked! I know a lot of people think that Kim got married just to earn over $17 million from the wedding, but that’s not true — she also got married for attention. [ she laughs ] What do I have to do for attention? [ a beat ] Kill somebody?
Announcer: Tune in for a storybook ceremony, as Kim Kardashian and Chris Humphries [ he yawns ] sign their divorce papers.
[ close-up of Chris signing with an “X” ]
Kim Kardashian: You guys… it’s been really hard. All week, we’ve jsut been crying and crying and posing and crying and getting our anuses bleached.
Kourtney Kardashian: When we get two, the third anus is free.
Khloe Kardashian: I get the free one!
Kris Jenner: [ pops her head up ] I know, right! [ she smiles ] FOUR sisters!
Announcer: Stepdad Bruce Jenner will walk her down the aisle.
Bruce Jenner: [ through heavily-Botoxed face ] When I heard my Kim was getting married, I was so happy my face was like… [ he gives his best look of surprise ] But when I heard she was getting divorced, it broke my heart… my face was like… [ he gives the same face, unable to cotort it any differently ]
[ dissolve to wedding guests crying, Bruce Jenner doing so with the aid of applied eyedrops ]
Announcer: Be there for the magical moment, when Kim and Chris reach a fair financial settlement.
[ dissolve to Divorce Attorney Ken Harris eating auderbs ]
Ken Harris: I’ve handled, like, over 200 divorces, right? But this is the BEST one I’ve EVER seen! Alright? They gave me this great suit, I got to ride in on a white horse, okay? Unreal! They’ve got scallops wrapped in bacon, the bacon — look at this! — wrapped in hundred-dollar bills!
[ dissolve to footage of the family dancing and having a great time ]
Announcer: Join the Kardashians, as they cope with the pain of divorce ALL NIGHT LONG.
[ show Earth, Wind & Fire playing ]
[ dissolve to Lamar Odom, Khloe’s Husband ]
Lamar Odom: This family is weird! I mean, when they go out to dinner it’s all of them: The mom, the kids, and their grandma — Bruce Jenner. You know. It’s whackin’ fucked up!
Announcer: We may even hear from Chris Humphries…
[ dissolve to Chris Humphries ]
Chris Humphries: [ open-mouthed ] Uhhhhhh —
[ dissolve to family group photo at the divorce ]
[ dissolve to Kim Kardashian ]
Kim Kardashian: Marriages are hard… and it turns out Chris was only half the man I wanted him to be. And by that, I mean he was only half-Black. But things are looking up for me — I’m single and there’s an NBA lockout. Wink!
[ dissolve to the three Kardashian sisters smiling, as Kris Jenenr rises up to include herself ino the group shot ]
Announcer: Don’t miss the Kardashian Family Divorce. Followed by all-new episodes of “Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami”, “Bruce Jenner & Kourtney’s Baby Take Reno”, “Brody Jenner, Khloe & Kris Take Vitamins”, and the one-hour teleision special “Lamar’s Penis Revealed”.
[ dissolve to Bruce Jenner ]
Bruce Jenner: [ with no facial movement ] Only on E!
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Greek Gods
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Greek Gods
Zeus…..Jason Sudeikis
Ares…..Taran Killam
Athena…..Nasim Pedrad
Apollo…..Jay Pharoah
Artemis…..Vanessa Bayer
Demeter…..Bobby Moynihan
Poseidon…..Andy Samberg
Hera…..Kristen Wiig
Eros…..Kenan Thompson
Aphrodite…..Abby Elliott
Hermes…..Paul Brittain
Hades…..Bill Hader
Yanni…..Adam Levine
Dionysus…..Charlie Day
Klaus…..Fred Armisen
[ open on rotating headlines: “Greek Economy in Peril”, “Greece: Who Will Save Us Now?”, “Greek Gods To Meet” ]
[ dissolve to slide of Mount Olympus ]
[ dissolve to a meeting of the Greek gods ]
Zeus: Order! Order, order! I, Zeus, King of the Gods, have summoned you all to Mount Olympus because, somehow, the Greek economy has collapsed! [ the other Greek gods express their shock ] I know! No, I know! I was as surprised as you are! I mean, after all, the Greeks are widely known as a hard-working, industrious people — you know, a people willing to labor week in and week out, three days a week, one hour a day until the age of 45. But today, we Gods must come to their aid. So, quick — let us hear from the Greek God of Finance! [ the other gods look around ] Wait… there is a Greek God of Finance, right? There has to be! Surely, someone has been looking after the economy all these years! Ares! Isn’t Finance part of your sphere?
Ares: No! I, Ares, am the God of War, Violence, and Bloodlust!
Zeus: [ dumbstruck ] All three? Wow! Great range! Athena — what about you?
Athena: I am also War.
Zeus: Okay… hold on. So, basically, we have two gods of War, huh?
Athena: I’m also god of Wisdom.
Zeus: Okay, great! Perfect! Okay, then, give us your wisdom.
Athena: We could go to war.
[ the other gods cheer ]
Zeus: No! No! Easy, you animals! We’re not going to war! We can figure this out! Apollo! Apollo — don’t you dabble in Finance?
Apollo: [ wearing dark sunglasses ] Nah, baby… I’m all about the sun!
Zeus: Hmm… Apollo, I keep telling you — you gotta wear sunblock.
Apollo: Man… what are you talking about, baby? [ he lifts his sunglasses to reveal white skin around his eyes ]
Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Artemis — what about you?
Artemis: I am Goddess of the Hunt!
Zeus: Mmm-hmm. So, basically, also War?
Artemis: But I ‘malso Queen of the Animals! And I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m ALSO a VIRGIN!!
Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah! Yeah, no kidding! Alright, okay. [pointing ] And, I’m sorry, who are you again?
Demeter: I am Demeter, Goddess of the Harvest, and I am not a virgin. [ he winks ]
Zeus: Uh — what about you, Poseidon, God of the Ocean? Surely, you’ve dealt with sea trade and international commerce — you know. Do you have an economic plan?
Poseidon: Okay, here’s the plan: I turn into a dolphin — hear me out! I have sex with a human woman — hear me out! It’s not consensual — hear me out! [ he pauses ] She’s my daughter.
Zeus: [ laughing ] Oh, man, you dirty dog!
Poseidon: [ laughing ] Ohhhh! You’re gonna bust my balls, Zeus?
Zeus: [ laughing ] You got me! No, man — I turn into animals that have sex with chicks ALL the time! I’m like Tiger Woods, only an actual tiger!
Hera: Ahem! [ she taps her staff ]
Zeus: [ stunned ] Crap! It’s my wife — Hera. [ coolly ] Hey, baby! Hey. I was just, uh, totally being faithful, you know? What’s up?
Hera: [ she sighs ] Have you dealt with the financial crisis yet?
Zeus: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, pretty much, yeah, we got it. [ an arrow hits him in the chest ] Hey! Eros! cool it, pal!
Eros: [ poty-faced ] Sowwy.
Zeus: Hey, Aphrodite! Keep your son in check!
Aphrodite: Please. He’s your son, too.
Zeus: [ stone-faced, turns to Hera ] Whaaat?! What?! No, she’s kidding! Come on! Come on, she’s the Goddess of Laughs, that one! [ he laughs ]
Hera: Okay, well… you’re not the only one having affairs. I just had sex with a dlophin. [ Poseidon is now stone-faced ] Though, it was disappointing.
Poseidon: Yeah… well… the dolphin told me to tell you… that the ocean was really cold. So… that explains it. Besides…
Zeus: Hmm…
Hera: Also, I need to go to the doctor because I got actual crabs.
Zeus: Oh. Yeah. Okay. [ Hera leaves ] See ya’! [ to the other gods ] Okay, financial solutions! We need ’em, who’s got ’em? Hermes!
Hermes: Yeah, uhhhh, I could send them a message!
Zeus: [ he shakes his head ] You’re the WORST! Yuo really are the worst. You’re TERRIBLE! Hades! God of the Underworld! What have you got?
Hades: We could just kill everyone. I don’t know — I only do ONE thing.
Zeus: Yeah, I know! I know, I know… I don’t even know why I asked. Maybe it’s time for Zoloft, buddy. Alright? Okay, uh, who else? What about the Greek God of music — Yanni?
[ reveal Yanni playing on keyboards as the wind whips through his hair ]
Zeus: [ he rolls his eyes ] Okay, that was helpful. Dionysus! Where’s Dionysus, the god of Festivals and Drunkeness? Is he here?
[ Dionysus runs in ]
Dionysus: Oh! Yeah! Hey! [ laughing ] Oh, man, sorry I’m late! You know — orgy stuff!
Zeus: Mmm-hmm.
Dionysus: Yeah, I had, like, ten orgies!
Zeus: Great.
Dionysus: Demeter knows what I’m talking about!
Demeter: [ laughing ] Shut up!
Dionysus: By the way — Athena? You were great last night.
Athena: [ confused ] Uh — what was last night?
Dionysus: When you turned into a goat! Yeah? [ alarmed ] What, did you not turn into a goat?
Athena: Nope.
Dionysus: So I just banged a regular goat?
Zeus: [ laughing ] Yeah!
Dionysus: [ he shrugs it off ] I’ve done worse! [ they laugh ] So what’s up, guys?
Zeus: you know — we’re just trying to find out which god is in charge of Finance.
Dionysus: Uh-oh!
Zeus: Uh-oh?
Hermes: It’s the PARTY God’s fault, Zeus! He’s been overseeing ALL the Greek banks!
Dionysus: Hey, SHUT UP, you little BITCH!
Zeus: Yeah, SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE BITCH!! By my own beard, is this true?
Dionysus: Well, kinda…
Zeus: Yeah?
Dionysus: You know… I mean, look, I’ve been dealing with the spending part, you know? I’ve got the spending part of the economy — I’ve got that mastered. You know — spending!
Zeus: Right.
Dionysus: What’s the other part?
Zeus: Uh — saving.
Dionysus: Ohhhhh!! [ laughing ] No, I didn’t do that! I didn’t do that part, man!
Zeus: Well, then you leave me no choice. I summon Klaus, the German God of Prudence and Austerity!
Klaus: [ enters, weilding a wooden hammer ] Okay. Listen up — I will lend you zis money, but first you must take some some responsibility and make some serious cutbacks! Ya?
[ the other gods object ]
Zeus: No way! Sorry, Klaus. Now, either you give us the money, or we take ALL of Europe down with us. I mean, we started democracy, we can end it.
Klaus: Okay, fine!
[ the gods cheer ]
[ cut to spinning newspaper, with headline: “Greece Gets Bailout” ]
[ zoom in on sub-headline: “Vows to Spend It Unwisely” ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
Goodnights
…..Charlie Day
Charlie Day: Thanks to Maroon 5, Danny DeVito, Travie McCoy from Gym Class Heroes! I had an AMAZING time, I love this cast and I love this show! Thanks, Lorne Michaels! Good night!
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: A Message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
A Message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi
Moammer Gaddafi…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: And now a message from the Ghost of Moammer Gaddafi.
[ dissolve to Moammer Gaddafi in an undisclosed location ]
Moammer Gaddafi: I’m baaaaaaack!! [ he laughs ] How’s it going, America? Man! What a crazy couple of weeks, huh? I don’t know if you guys saw this on the news or on one of the thousands of cell phone videos, but, uh… I got murdered pretty bad last week! [ he laughs ] And I know you’re thinking, you know: “Did they really kill him?” Yeah, trust me — THEY DID! I mean, they really tore me a new one — literally.
But, you know I learned a lot from this experience, so I thought that I, Ghost Gaddafi, would offer you, the living, a few pieces of advice.
First: Never dare people to kill you. As strategies go, “I dare you to kill me” is pretty much the WORST one. [ he laughs ]
Second: No matter how confident you are, no matter how long you are in power, never refer to your people as “rats”. That could really come back to haunt you when you’re trapped in a sewer pipe.
Which brings me to my third point: You can never reason with a mob. You know, these guys came up to me screaming: “We’re going to KILL you, Moammer!” And I’m like: “Bros! Come on, bros! We’re all bros here!” But, yeah, these guys were decidely NOT my bros. I don’t know if you saw the Youtube clips, but… Wow-wow-wee-wah! Yeah. The elevator from “The Shining” called — it wants its BLOOD back!
Anyway, as you might have guessed, I’m in Hell now. [ he looks around ] Which, as you can see, looks pretty much like Libya. But, you know, Hell is not that bad, you know? My friends are here — you know, Saddam… Stalin… the band from those FreeCreditReport.com commercials. They do a gig like every night, you know? Plus, you know, in Hell there’s a lot of dead leopards and tigers, so, in terms of wardrobe, I’m doing okay! [ he laughs ] And, you know, I don’t mnid the heat in Hell, because my face was pretty melty to begin with.
So I just want to say Goodbye to all my closest friends. All the western oil companies… my wingman, Senor ?? … and the American government, which, uh, kept giving me chance after chance despite my numerous atrocities against mankind. I’d like to think they saw something good in me, but it could have just been the oil… I don’t know. Either way, I guess it’s true what they say: “If you’re a horrible dictator who tortures his people, you can only get away with it for, like, 42 years.”
And, of course, a final farewell to my beautiful African princess Condaleeza Rice. I think the poem in my journal said it best: “Condi, Condi, Condi… come over to my condo, condo, condo.”
God bless us, everyone, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
SNL Transcripts: Charlie Day: 11/05/11: The Dr. Oz Show
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 5
The Dr. Oz Show
Dr. Mehmet Oz…..Bill Hader
Kenny Hayes…..Charlie Day
[ open on “Dr. Oz” graphics ]
[ dissolve to set ]
Dr. Oz: Welcome back! Welcome back to “The Dr. Oz Show”. I want to correct something I said on the last segment about home remedies — I meant to say “Vinegar and water douche”; not “Vinegar and oil.” That would be bad, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, this is the part of the show where the audience gets to ask their medical questions. So who’s got one? Who’s got a question? [ almost every audience member raises their hand, except for one man ] You, sir! You, sir.
Kenny Hayes: Oh. No, I-I-I-I’m good! I’m good!
Dr. Oz: No, come on. Don’t be embarrassed. What’s your name?
Kenny Hayes: Well, it’s Kenny… but I don’t really want to talk about it.
Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, get up. I bet there are people in this audience who are having the same problem as you, and would appreciate your courage. Okay? [ to the audience ] Am I right? Am I right?
[ the audience claps ]
Kenny Hayes: Uh… well, a few years ago, I-I broke my tailbone skiing —
Dr. Oz: Oooooh… there’s a lot of NERVES in your tailbone, everybody — a lot of NERVES. A lot of nerves. Go ahead, Kenny.
Kenny Hayes: Alright, well… I noticed I’ve been having problems with my, uh… [ he coughs ] my evacuations.
Dr. Oz: You’re talking about your BOWEL movements! You’re talking about your bowel movements.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] Yeah.
Dr. Oz: Okay. So you can’t always tell if your train’s going through the station or not, right?
Kenny Hayes: Yeah. Th-th-that’s exactly right…
Dr. Oz: You’re not alone. You’re not alone. Thousands of people share the experience, and there’s actually a name for it — you have what’s commonly called…a “dead rectum”. Okay, let me hear you saiy it, Kenny: “I have a dead rectum.”
Kenny Hayes: “I have a dead rectum.”
Dr. Oz: Okay, okay. Who else in the audience also has a dead rectum? Who else? Who else? [ nobody raises their hand ] Nobody? See, Kenny? Okay, okay. Well, you’re in luck! Okay? I got something I want to show you. Come over here. Come over here.
Kenny Hayes: I’m okay…
Dr. Oz: Audience? Come on!
[ the audience cheers Kenny forward ]
Dr. Oz: Okay — [ he flips a cloth back ] THIS is a healthy human rectum.
Kenny Hayes: No, no…
Dr. Oz: I want to thank a doctor friend of mine in China for hooking me up with so many of these great body parts you see on the show. He knows who he is! [ he winks ] Okay. Okay, now, Kenny — I want you to hold this rectum up to your face.
Kenny Hayes: [ he flinches ] No, I — I really don’t want to do that.
Dr. Oz: Oh, come on, do it! It’s not gonna bite you, buddy. Come on, do it. It’s alright. Okay. To pull up some confusion, here’s what we’re gonna do: I’m gonna pinch this end, and I want you to BLOW into the rectum. Okay? Can we get a close-up of this, please? Can we get a close-up? [ cut to close-up ] Okay, now blow into it, buddy. Come on, it’s not gonna bite you. Get in there. [ Kenny blows into the rectum ] There you go! That’s good. Okay, now that… is a normal rectum. It tightens old fecal matter. And so you’re ready to get rid of it, but, in your case, it just falls right out.
Kenny Hayes: What?! My rectum doesn’t fall right out!
Dr. Oz: In other words… if your rectum is a musical instrument, a healthy one would sound like this: [ he toots his lips like a trumpet ] But yours… sounds like a ship horn: [ he makes a loud noise ] I’m still not sure you’re getting it, Kenny.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, I got it! Okay, let’s move on!
Dr. Oz: No, no, no, no, no! I want to make it real clear. I want you to put this on: [ he puts a hat on Kenny’s head ] This is gonna clear things up. Okay, I’m gonna put this on you. [ he puts a sign labeled “POOP” over Kenny ] Okay? Alright.
Kenny Hayes: Don’t you have, like, you know, graphics you can use for this?
Dr. Oz: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Okay, okay. You’re gonna play the role of your own poop, okay? And over here is your dead rectum. [ he pushes Kenny toward a long pink tube ] Okay, I want you to walk through here — I’m gonna show you something. I want to show you something. Now, walk — go through the end and come through. [ Kenny steps into the tube and walks ] Now watch as the poop goes through the dead rectum… right through there, right into his boxer shorts. Just like that! [ he puts a pair of boxer shorts over Kenny’s head ] Audience — this is what happens to this guy all the time.
Kenny Hayes: [ embarrassed ] No, it doesn’t happen all the time!
Dr. Oz: It just happened right, now, didn’t it?
Kenny Hayes: No, it didn’t happen just now!
Dr. Oz: Kenny… I announced it. But there is a medical solution. You go home, get in the shower… [ he babbles nonsense words ]
Kenny Hayes: That was just GIBBERISH!
Dr. Oz: Yeah. everybody, you just watched Kenny Hayes crap himself on live television. I hope your Tivos were set. We’ll be right back.
Kenny Hayes: How do you know my last name?!
[ cut to promo slide: “Well Be Right Back with Kenny “The Poop Man” Hayes” ]
[ fade ]