Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Isikoff…..Chris Parnell
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Zell Miller…..Will Forte

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! [ audience erupts into applause ] The war in Iraq gets stickier by the minute. The filibuster’s about to disappear faster than a box of donuts in Star Jones’ dressing room. Meanwhile, the only big-league political issue Americans seem to care about is which “American Idol” contestant is boning Paula Abdul! Lukily, there’s a whole new controversy brewing – this time, the news is the news. Monday, Newsweek magaine was forced to back off a story which asserted that U.S. forces dsecrated the Quran. Then, just yesterday, this photo is released: [ holds up front page of New York Post: “Butcher of Baghdad – Exclusive – Inside Saddam’s Prison Cell” headline with photo of Saddam Hussein in only his underwear ] No, that’s not the Arab Abercrombie & Finch catalog. It’s Saddam Hussein in his tightie-whities. Who’s controlling our foreign policy – the Bush administration, or the media? Here to talk about this controversy, is one of the journalists at the center of all this hullabaloo, Newsweek reporter Michael Isikoff.

Michael Isikoff: Glad to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: You might want to check your sources on that. Also with us, fresh off her trip to Iraw, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

Condoleeze Rice: Thank you, Chris. As always, the adminsitration welcomes the chance —

Chris Matthews: [ sternly ] And.. no! Mr. Isikoff, we’re gonna start with you. You’re a veteran reporter, you helped break the Abu Ghraib story, the Lewinsky scandal, Iran-Contra! What happened with the Quran story? Did you get your source out of Dan Rather’s rolodex? Are you just gonna print anyone tells you, or what?

Michael Isikoff: Chris, before we go to press, each story is put through a rigorous process of fact-checking to make ure it holds up. First, we ask the surce if he or she is lying. If the answer is “Yes,” we will not use that source. If the answer is “No,” we then ask them, “Are you sure?” If the answer to that question is “Yes,” we follow up with a very stern, “Promise?” Then, “You swear you’re not lying?” It’s a pretty air-tight process, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Why do I get the feeling it’s incredibly easy to prank call Newsweek magazine? Madame Secretary, the administration has chastized Newsweek for printing a story which relied on faulty information, now you claim you are investigating the Saddam cheesecake photos. I ask you, is the administration losing control faster than Billy Joel behind the wheel after a ten-martini linch?

Condoleeze Rice: Chris, I think everyone would agree that, up until the media got involved, things were going pretty great in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Chris Matthews: Madame Secretary, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. But I want to see where this is going.

Condoleeze Rice: [ continues ] The media needs to be held responsible for the stories it reports. If not, this admistration is prepared to take action.

Chris Matthews: Okay, like what?

Condoleeze Rice: Well, there are a lot of options on the table. Our government might invade Newsweek mmagazine. Or we might start our own administration, and have picutres of journalists, suhc as you, Chris Matthews, in your underwear. [ holds up doctored photo of Chris Matthews’ head over Saddam Hussein’ssemi-nude body, with headline “Welcome To Lard Ball!” ] Lard Ball!

Chris Matthews: Good Lord. Joining us now to shout about God knows what, everyone’s favoite looney tune – former senator and current Fox News contributor, Zell Miller! Zell, whattaya got for us?

Zell Miller: [ his face turns more red with each word ] I’m sick of hearing about Newsweek magaine!! Let me tell you what we used to do when some yellow-bellied desk jockey wrote something we didn’t like!! We roundedup our boys, got ourselves some crow bars and shotguns and we’d head on down to the local pronting press to have ourseles a “ta-alk”! After we were done “talking”, we’d throw a couple of kerosene lamps through the window, and the problem’s solved!!

Chris Matthews: This is why I come into work every day, folks. Final thouhts, Michael Issikoff?

Michael Isikoff: [ covering the mouthpiece of the telephone he’s speaking into ] I’m afraid I don’t have the time, Chris. We just received an important lead. Apparently, Prince Albert is trapped in a can and must be let out. May God be with him.

Chris Matthews: [ holding a telephone to his ear ] You don’t say? Ha! [ hangs up the telephone ] Condoleeza Rice?

Condoleeze Rice: Chris, the freedom of the press is something the Bush administration loves about this county. Don’t make us take it away.

Chris Matthews: Zell Miller – go.

Zell Miller: Let me tell you, Matthews! This country’s got a real problem with the media, and you’re one of them! If you can’t control that dirty liberal thing you call a mouth, then maybe I’ll have to jump on my horse and come up north myself and put a sock in it!! Do you hear me, Chris Matthews?!! Do you hear me?!! [ now completely red in the face ]

Chris Matthews: When we return, Saddam in his speedo, Condi takes over Newsweek, Zell Miller explodes. But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you to Coldplay, Lorne Michaels, cast. Everyone for letting me host the season finale. God bless.

[ Horatio Sanz goofily holds up a sign that reads: “Good Luck P P”, as staff writer Paula Pell waves goodbye and is hugged by various cast members ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Bear City

Announcer…..Fred Willard

[ open on meteor crashing into the earth and exploding ]

Announcer: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious cloud released a chemical that enabled bears to evolve and fill the void left by humans.

[ bear waving his fist in the forest morphs into a pajama-clad bear standing in his bedroom, scratching his back with a backscratcher ]

Announcer: And within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

[ worker bears dressed in business clothes wnder the area outside an office building ]

[ dissolve up “Bear City” title card ]

Jingle:
“Bear City
Bear, Bear City.”

[ show bears as they now exist on earth – bears watering their lawns, bears stepping out of an elevator, bears sharing a smoke, bear reading a newspaper ]

Announcer: Although they couldn’t talk, they went about their lives just like man had done.

[ show a smiling boy and girl standing in the park ]

[ SUPER: “Rex Banter” over boy, “Cynthia Davis” over girl ]

Announcer: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children. And they were quickly eaten. By bears.

[ a circle of bears surround the boy and girl and climb on top of them ]

[ show bears walking their dogs, then show other bears walking up the sidewalk ]

Announcer: Tonight: “Mom’s Going Shopping.”

[ dissolve to black, dissolve up on Mom Bear’s shopping list: “Honey, Nuts, Berries, Salmon, Whiskey.” ]

[ deadbeat teenaged bear son sits on couch playing video games. Mom Bear growls at him as she lays her list on the couch and bends down to pick up her purse. Teeanged bear growls back, as Mom Bear exits the house sans shopping list. He them jumps to his feet and peeks out the window to spy Mom Bear entering her car. Satisfied that Mom Bear is laving the house, teenaged bear reaches into the video cabinet, and inserts a videotape labeled “Honey Lappers” into the VCR. ]

[ the action in the video is hot, asa pair of bear cheerleaders struggle to undress one another as they kneel on a bed. A pizza delivery bear wanders aimlessly into the doorway. The cheerleader bears notice him, and wave him further into the room. The pizza delivery bear happily saunters closer. ]

[ cut to outside, where Mom Bear sits in her car and suddenly realizes that she forgot her shopping list in the house. Teenaged bear is enjoying the video, unaware that Mom Bear’s shopping list is right behind his head on the couch. His head is bobbing up and down. Mom Bear enters the house. On the video, the pizza delivery bear is spanking both cheerleadersat once. Mom enters the room horrified, growling as she covers her eyes. Teeanged bear jumps up, embarrassed, as he clutches his drooped pants and quickly turns off the TV and stumbles out of the room. ]

[ dissolve out, dissolve up on sitting Bear holding a highball and toasting it toward the viewing audience ]

Announcer: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
May 21st, 2005

Lindsay Lohan

Coldplay

None

None
HardballSummary: The topic is the Newsweek retraction fallout, as Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Saddam Hussein underwear photos with Michael Isikoff (Chris Parnell), Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Condoleeza Rice, Zell Miller.

Transcript

Montage

Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: With her hair newly dyed blonde, Lindsay Lohan is the definition of a party girl. But the sudden appearance of the Ghost of Lindsay Future (Amy Poehler), haggard from years of partying, begs her to reconsider this new image.

First Hosted: 03r.

Transcript

WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 12/18/04.

America’s Next Top ModelSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) competes with a naive mutant girl (Rachel Dratch) and an attractive beauty with low self-esteem (Lindsay Lohan) in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. The event is sponsored by a commercial for new reality series, “Chaotic”, starring Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) and Kevin Federline (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: Amber, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.

Transcript

New Park CinemaSummary: “Star Wars” nerds (Seth Meyers, Lindsay Lohan, Rob Riggle, Will Forte, Fred Armisen) sit in on “Monster-In-Law” when the tickets they’d hoped for are sold out.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Divertor”, the Republican superhero who diverts attention from GOP snafus by sabotaging the public lives of minor-league celebrities.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks in the Appalachian Emergency Room, including a would-be cheerleader (Lindsay Lohan) inquiring about job openings.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Tyler.

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”First Performed: 00p.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Lesbians Chris Cox-Sanz (Rachel Dratch) and Danni Sanz-Cox (Maya Rudolph) recount their first year as a married couple. Vicente Fox (Fred Armisen) apologizes to Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) for making a racist statement, then the two make light of the issue.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.

Transcript

The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) ignores Nick Lachey (Will Forte), makes Jessica Simpson (Lindsay Lohan) play a harp on a cloud, laughs at stand-up from Wanda Sykes (Kenan Thompson), and has an allergy attack.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson.

Little ItalySummary: Upset that her mafia boyfriend (Horatio Sanz) is fooling aroud behind her back, an Italian women (Lindsay Lohan) crashes his gangster pad and proceeds to trash the place.

Transcript

Coldplay performs “Fix You”Lyrics

The BabysitterSummary: Mr. Voinic (Chris Parnell) drives the babysitter (Lindsay Lohan) home, then hits on her while making rude comments about his wife (Maya Rudolph).

Transcript

Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

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Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sublet ApartmentSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) sublets his apartment to an attractive woman (Lindsay Lohan).

Long Train Runnin’Summary: Lead singer (Lindsay Lohan) introduces the members of her band by saying mean things about them.

BreadSummary: An advertisement for bread.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

RobotSummary: A scientist (Chris Parnell) unveils his robot.

Bear CitySummary: The bears suddenly find themselves in competition with the occupants of Rabbit Town.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Steven Ainsley…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, there was panic in the nation’s capital Wednesday when a Cessnaairplane drifted into the “No-Fly Zone,” where it was intercepted by two F-16s and a Black Hawk helicopter. Man, they are really running out of ideas for “Fear Factor.”

Amy Poehler: It was announced Thursday that the Army will nowallow recruits to sign up for just fifteen months of active duty. Ifthat doesn’t work, the military will try renaming Iraq “Super Cancun”!

The Army said Tuesday that Halliburton has been awarded 72 milliondollars in performance bonuses for its work in Iraq. Halliburtonresponded to the news saying, “Hungry…Halliburton still hungry!”

Tina Fey: A judge in Hawaii has evicted a woman who was living in a lava tube in a natural park. Man, she really does not want to marry that dude. [picture of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks. Applause. Tina imitates Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare]

Amy Poehler: John Bolton’s U.N. nomination hit another snag thisweek when it went to the Senate without a recommendation from theForeign Relations Committee. The Committee was hesitant to support himbecause of allegations that Bolton has a history of abusingsubordinates. Here to defend Bolton is his longtime assistant, StevenAinsley.

[pan to Steven, who has a small bandage on his forehead; applause]

Steven Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you, Amy.

There have been a lot of vicious rumors swirling about John Bolton,about how John Bolton bullies subordinates, and how John Bolton screamsat people. Well, I don’t know that John Bolton. [lifts his left hand,showing that it is completely bandaged as well]

Amy Poehler: What happened to your head—

Steven Ainsley: I walked into a door.

Amy Poehler: And your wrist—

Steven Ainsley: Also a door, a revolving door, so it got me twice.

Amy Poehler: OK, Steven, OK—[reaches to pat him on the shoulder,but he nervously backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: No, just caught me off guard, oh boy. My fault,my fault.

Amy Poehler: So you’ve never seen John Bolton lose his temper?

Steven Ainsley: Look, John Bolton has an incredibly stressfuljob, people don’t understand that. I mean, I work with him andsometimes I don’t understand it. So if somebody forgets that John likes Equal instead of Sweet’N Low, what recourse does John have but to throw hot coffee in their face?

Amy Poehler: Well, that seems really harsh—

Steven Ainsley: It’s not! I have to learn. John is- John is so incredible.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, he doesn’t sound incredible.

Steven Ainsley: Well, you don’t know him like I do! I mean, he’s a sweetheart. Here is a funny story. One time I brought him the wrong kind of mustache wax, and he kicked me down a flight of stairs. Ha ha ha!

Amy Poehler: That’s not a funny story.

Steven Ainsley: It’s funny when he tells it. Oh, I probably told it wrong. Oh, I hope I didn’t tell it wrong!

Amy Poehler: No, you know what, you- you told it fine! [reachesto pat him on the shoulder once again, but John backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: In conclusion, I would just like to say: John, if you’re watching—

Amy Poehler: You know, I don’t think he’s watching.

Steven Ainsley: Oh, he’s not? Amy, help me. Help me,Amy. I can tell you’re a good person who knows what it’s like to bearound a mean, abusive bully.

Amy Poehler: What do you mean?

Tina Fey: What are you two yapping about? [cuts an apple and eats it off of a large knife]

Steven Ainsley: Nothing!

Amy Poehler: [suddenly nervous as well] Nothing.

Tina Fey: [looking offstage] Oh, wrap it up. I’m trying to watch the game over here.

[Amy and Steven lean in towards each other and whisper cries of help toeach other. Eventually, Seth breaks character. Some applause]

Steven Ainsley: Well, I think I’ve made my point. The U.N. would be lucky to have John Bolton. And Amy, this is a bus ticket, and the name of a shelter in Ohio! See you there?

Amy Poehler: [taking Steven’s papers and hiding them underneathhers] OK, thank you. Steve Ainsley, everybody. [cheers and applause asSteven darts offstage]

Tina Fey: This Monday marks the final episode of the sitcom“Everybody Loves Raymond.” Next season, CBS Monday will be anchored bythe show “Everybody Has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen.”

Amy Poehler: [picture of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of theRolling Stones] This week, the California Raisins announced plans for anew world tour. [applause]

Paula Abdul revealed this week that for the last 25 years, she’s beensuffering from the obscure disease Complex Regional Pain Syndrome,though many know it by its more common name, the crazies.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling two thousand cases of beer in Toronto,Canada flipped over Wednesday and unleashed a sea of alcohol onto thecountry’s busiest highway.

Amy Poehler: Woo-hoo! You guys, [singing] party on thehighway!

Tina Fey: Well, it’s not- it’s not really a party, just beerspilled all over the road—

Amy Poehler: Spilled beer on the road! Who’s comin’ with me?

Tina Fey: It’s- it’s not that fun! Just, like, the bottlesbroken, the beer just, you know, was in the dirt—

Amy Poehler: Yeah! I’m gonna drink beer dirt in Canada!

Tina Fey: Alright, sorry.

Amy Poehler: Party highway!

Tina Fey: It’s not a party!

Amy Poehler: [pauses] If you come, it’s a party!

Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll go. But this is the last time that Isuck beer out of dirt with you. [some applause]

Despite consumers saying they want healthier options at fast foodrestaurants, the most popular items on the menus are the newhigh-calorie, high-fat items, like Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger, Burger King’s Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and Wendy’s Diabetes Explosion.[applause] I kinda want that. I kinda wanna eat it.

Amy Poehler: Yum!

Tina Fey: A small town in Brazil declared this past Monday Orgasm Day. [some cheering] I think, uh, that came early this year.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Did you, uh, did you celebrate Orgasm Day?

Amy Poehler: Uh, I pretended to.

Tina Fey: Maxim magazine released its annual “Hot 100”list with Eva Longoria at number one, followed by Jennifer Garner andLindsay Lohan, while I, once again placed between Bonnie Hunt and JoyBehar. [applause] Thanks.

Amy Poehler: U.S. lawmakers in Wednesday subpoenaed manufacturers of The Whizzinator to investigate the legality of the device that is a fake penis that can provide a flow of clean urine. Or in my case, Chardonnay.

That’s how I do it!

Tina Fey: So you suck beer out of dirt… and you drink wine out of a penis.

Amy Poehler: And I use a fake penis to drink my Chardonnay, right.

Tina Fey: Things are- things are going really well for you.

Amy Poehler: Going great! [applause]

Tina Fey: A new chili sauce called 16 Million Reserve is hittingthe market this week, and it is thirty times more potent than thespiciest pepper, and eight thousand times fierier than Tabasco, thoughstill not as spicy as Pat O’ Brien’s new I’m So F-ing Hot For You HotSauce. [applause; Tina impersonates Pat O’ Brien] The only hot saucethat wants to go crazy on you! Let’s get a grill and some Cokes andjust go crazy! I’m gonna eat your sandwich!

Amy Poehler: Nick Nolte said that despite being invited to theWhite House by numerous presidents, he would not go, because he is afelon, and the President should not be with criminals. He added, “Plus, I’ve never been invited to the White House.”

An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has killed twelvepenguins. Officials believe the outbreak was either caused by aninfected pigeon, or by Ken, the newly-single giraffe.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy arm wrestle; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

The Spy

Dr. Richard Laverne…..Will Ferrell
Katherine Jaqueneau…..Maya Rudolph
Contact…..Horatio Sanz

[ a woman sits at a bar, as a man wearing an eye patch steps towards her ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I join you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No. Not at all.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ sits ] Dr. Richard Laverne.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Katherine Jaqueneau. [ they shake hands ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Go right ahead.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m sorry?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury? Do you enjoy fine things? Silks? Furs? Fine exotic woods?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m not sure I follow.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Let me rephrase the question: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Yes, I do.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I thought so. I, myself, enjoy luxury. That’s why I drive the finest motorcar in the world. “Jag-u-ar.”

Katherine Jaqueneau: I see.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I ‘m also the spokesperson for Jag-u-ar. The finest motorcar in the world. Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I like how you say that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: “Jag-U-ar.” Can I also tell you something else?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Certainly.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m also a spy for the Swiss government. Would you like to guess my codename?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Jaguar?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No. Luxury.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Shh. Not so loud. We’re not safe here. So, do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You already asked me that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. I did 900 voiceovers today for Jag-u-ar. I also killed a man in an elevator.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Dr. Richard Laverne: I think it would only be fair.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you blind in one eye?

Dr. Richard Laverne: How did you know?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re wearing an eye patch.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Right. Do you mind If I sketch you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You want to sketch me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Nothing would please me more.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Here?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No, back at my apartment.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Is it close?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Yes. It’s a 12-hour drive. Which, of course, feels like nothing when you’re behind the wheel of the world’s finest motorcar, Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Sure. I’ll go.

Dr. Richard Laverne: But you must make your decision quickly. We don’t have much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Did you not just hear me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: What did you say?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I said I would go with you.

Dr. Richard Laverne: There’s only one problem. I don’t know how to drive a stick. And I have no depth perception.

Katherine Jaqueneau: That’s fine.

Dr. Richard Laverne: And we will need to steal a car.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I thought you said you drove a Jaguar.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You need to stop saying it.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. You know, with the voiceovers and killing that guy.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re not really the voice of Jaguar, are you?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No… I’m not.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you really a spy for the Swiss government?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Quick, there’s not much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Shh. I’m leaving. [ she exits ]

[ a heavyset steps forward and claims the woman’s seat ]

Contact: Do you like luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ eyes the man curiously ] Fine tapestries and expensive jewels?

Contact: Yes.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ removes the documents from inside his jacket ] They told me the contact would be a woman.

Contact: [ grabs the documents ] I AM a woman.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I would like nothing more than to sketch you at my apartment.

Contact: [ turns ] I don’t drive!

Dr. Richard Laverne: Neither do I.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ they hold their stares on one another for a moment, then slowly turn their heads to face the bar straight-on ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Oracle Conclave 2005

Written by: Liz Cackowski

Singers…..Maya Rudolph, Will Forte, Fred Armisen
James Filau…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, Ramada Inn ]

[ dissolve to interior, meeting room, as Singers perform a rendition of Gloria Branigan’s “Gloria” ]

Singers: “Oracle, oracle we thank you for a great year, great year, production’s really u-up, u-up, thank you, Team Oracle!”

[ James Filau, dressed in a t-shirt with the red Oracle logo and the words “Oracle Conclave 2005” ironed on the front ]

James Filau: whoo! Whoo! All right. Wow, that was really special. Thank you, Joan, Robin and Carlos. You know them as your Sales VPs at Headquarters in Torrance, California. But for tonight, they are the Oracle Singers. And we’d also like to thank the estate of Laura Branigan for the use of the song “Gloria.” Special. Welcome back. Hope you all enjoyed your Continental breakfast. Once again, I’m James Filau. Super-psyched to be hosting the Oracle Conclave for the fourth year in a row. [ a rubbing sound effect is heard as he speaks ] And that’s just — it’s kind of special to — is that me? Oh, it’s my t-shirt. My t-shirt’s rubbing. My bad. [ adjusts his mike ] Let me just — so, are we okay? Is that better? Better? All right, all right.

So, I heard that they are getting rid of interoffice e-mail here at Oracle. Yep, it seems there’s a faster way of sending information. Just tell Martha Spivey. [ he looks offscreen ] What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. But she’s gonna be okay? [ a beat ] She’s not? Was anybody gonna bother to tell me? Unbelievable. [ sighs ] Unbelievable.

Okay, well, let’s move on to the slide show. Now, this is fun. This is gonna be good. I can’t wait to see what kind of crazy fun you guys had at Conclave 2005. [ “Eye of the Tiger” plays low in the background ] Okay, we can barely hear that. We can barely hear that. Can we get some more volume? [ volume is cranked up extra high ] Okay, now you’re just being spiteful because that’s way too loud, okay? Forget it. Whatever. Just roll the slide show. Roll the slide show.

[ pictures of the Ramada Inn and various Oracle employees with eyes blazened red flash on the screen ]

Wow. You guys really should have taken more pictures at some of the other events. You know, there’s also a little thing called red-eye reduction button on the camera. Okay. They have that now. I’m pretty sure they do. Don’t look at me like that. Well, since that slide show failed to pump anyone up, it looks like it’s my job to — get this Conclave started. Oh, that’s right. You feel it? Oracle in the house. Say, “Ho-o-o.”

All: Ho.

[ rap music pots up ]

James Filau: Yo, yo, yo! Oracle’s a business, we like to H we like — Good lord! Oh, Good lord! Can we kill the music? [ music continues ] Ah! The pain is making me angry! Can we just kill the music, please? Kill the music, you bastards! [ music stops ] What kind of shoddy-ass Conclave is this? Have you hayseeds ever heard of glow tape? Geez of Nazareth! I am not at all right! You know what? You know what? I’m not gonna do my signature rap. Nope. Nope. ‘Cause I’m not okay, all right? I am Jimmy frickin’ Filau! Okay? I opened for Hootie at the Pfizer conference! Which, by the way, was held in Hawaii. Ever heard of it? Maybe you should Google it, Oracle, okay? That’s it. I’m walking. [ Rap music begins again ] No, I’m not doing my rap. Bye bye, I’m outta here. I’m outta here, no. [ trips and falls to the floor ] Who the hell’s duffel bag is this?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Queens of the Stone Age

[ Will Ferrell sits on an audience member’s lap and rubs his bald head ]

Will Ferrell: Once again – Queens of the Stone Age.

Queens of the Stone Age:
“It’s the cruelest joke to play
I’m so high, I run in place
Only a line, we separate, so.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

You’re the only thing I’ve got
And that, I can’t seem to get enough
We collide for one embrace, so.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

[ break ]

So, hurry up and wait forever
So, hurry up and wait for forever.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

I need it
I need it
I need it.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Queens of the Stone Age

Will Ferrell: Ladies and gentlemen – Queens of the Stone Age.

Queens of the Stone Age:
“Hey sister why you all alone?
I’m standing out your window
Hey little sister, can I come inside, dear?

I wanna show you all my love
I wanna be the only one
I know you like nobody ever, baby.

Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.
Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.

You whisper secrets in my ear
Slowly dancing cheek to cheek
It’s such a sweet thing when you open up, baby.”

[ suddenly, Gene Frenkle enters the musical guest stage, and begins to bang his cowbell along with the band’s beats ]

Queens of the Stone Age:
“They say I’ll only do you wrong
We come together ’cause I understand
Just who you really are, baby.

Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.
Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.”

[ instruments, including the cowbell, only until the song crescendoes. Josh Homme wraps his arm around Gene. ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Going 2 C Movies

Terry Funck….Chris Parnell
Vasquez Gomez Vasquez….Horatio Sanz
Levi Funderstunk….Will Ferrell

(Techno music plays)

Caption: Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

Announcer: And now Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

(Gay wannabe talk show host Terry Funck sits with ultra nerd Vasquez Gomez Vasquez both holding popcorn bags)

Terry Funck: Hi, I´m Terry Funck and here next to me is Vasquez Gomez Vasquez.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Hey, that´s me! You may know me from my Public Access show “Community Access” or from my picture on the paper when I fell out that hot air balloon.

Terry Funck: And you may know me from “The Terry Funck Show”. Which is not on TV yet. (crosses fingers) And I also host 50´s karaoke at the Templeton Home for the mentally off.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: That´s where they keep the loony tunes!

Terry Funck: OK, cool it, Vasquez. On with the show. Today we have a very special guest who we rent movies from a whole bunch.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I rented “Van Helsing” so many times, they gave me these fake vampire teeth for my birthday. (puts fake fangs in) I´m Count Dracula!

Terry Funck: Hugh Jackman looked so brave in that movie.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Please welcome, the movie man, Levi Funderstunk.

(Levi is an old blond hippie with white hair, he carries a basket of VHS movie tapes)

Levi Funderstunk: Hey, who wants some free movies?

Terry Funck: I certainly do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Count me in.

Levi Funderstunk: The store switched over to DVDs so we had a blowout sale on VHS. And whatever we didn´t sale we gave away to the Templeton Home. And whatever they threw out and whatever didn´t fit in the dumpster is in this basket.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wow!

Terry Funck: Jackpot! (grabs tape) Wow, “The Life of David Gale”. Oh, ever since “K-Pax”, I love me some Spacey.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Check it out. (grabs tape) “Welcome to Mooseport” My grandma is gonna be mad at me when I piss the couch!

Levi Funderstunk: (grabs tape) Oh, “Down Periscope”. Dive, dive, dive into comedy.

Terry Funck: OK, before we go crazy cakes, lets review some movies. First up, “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Oh, this is gonna be goood!

Levi Funderstunk: Now although this is the sixth movie made, its actually the third episode of the saga. The Sith—

Terry Funck: Something smells nasty.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I think is Levi´s breath. It smells like dookie.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you always say what I dare not. Somebody needs to chew some Dentyne Ice.

Levi Funderstunk: Well, actually I got an infected tooth and I just ate an egg salad panini and I smoked a cigar.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Smells like you ate an egg salad poo-nini and smoked a dookie cigar.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you are on fire today! OK, Lucas is on a man-rag about us showing a clip. So here´s our review. There are some mind blowing CGI special effects and that Hayden Christensen is so evil and sweaty.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually the role of Anakin Skywalker was first offered to Leonard Dicap but he wasn´t willing to–(gags) aaaggghhh!! Oh, you know, now I´m smelling it. Its pretty rough.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You know, I have one question? What happened to Jar-Jar Binks? Me sa-sa, think sa-sa, this movie needs sa-sa, more Jar-Jar Binks sa-sa. Ok, Lucas. I´ll give a break because I´m happy to see a whole army of Chewbbacas.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually is an army of Wookies. The Chewbbacca is simply the name of one particular Wookie.

Terry Funck: Ok, enough of this yap session. What do we all rate this movie? I give it 4 thumbs up. (graphic of 4 thumbs up) One for the CGI, one for hair design, one for Hayden Christensen and one for the fiery and spanishy Jimmy Smitts.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I give it 2 stars up. (graphic of 2 stars) One for the army of Chewbbaccas. One for Yoda played by Frank Oz, who I also think played Mini-me.

Levi Funderstunk: No, actually Mini-me is played by Verne Troyer. Frank Oz is a full-sized man who directed my favorite film of all time, “The Indian in the Cupboard”. (gags) Aaaaaghhh!!! Oh my God, I just got another whiff. I´m honestly trying to think back and remember, did I somehow smoked a dookie cigar? Because its a very specific smell.

Terry Funck: Good God, Levi! Ok, first of all, you need to have your gums irrigated, get all that cheese professionally blasted from your teeth and if that doesn´t work, set your mouth on fire.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually, come to think of it, the last cigar I smoked I found in the grass next to the dog run. (cracks himself up) It was super hard to light and halfway through smoking it, it fell apart in my hands.(laughs) You know what I´m talking about?

Terry Funck: I think so. We do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You´re the best in the biz, Levi Funderstunk!

Terry Funck: No, he´s not. Well, that´s all the time we have today. Thanks for coming on Levi and thank you all for watching. Remember to save us some seats cause we´re going 2 (sign), see (sign), you (sign) at the multiplex.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wrap party at my grandma´s house! She´s making manwiches!

Terry Funck: Ok, I got to get away from this.(points to Levi, jumps from his seat. Vasquez takes the basket with VHS videos)

Caption: Going 2 C U Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts