Month: October 2018

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Khalid Shaikh Mohammed…..Horatio Sanz
Dustin Hoffman…..Jeff Richards
Trevor the Broadway Guy…..Chris Parnell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

In a prime-time press conference Thursday night, President Bush waid that, when it comes to attacking Iraq, “We really don’t need anybody’s permission.” Then, he went like this: [ mimes pointing guns in the air, making shooting sound effects ]

Starting tomorrow, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole will appear in a series of televised debates on “60 Minutes”. The debates will serve to remind Americans what “real” leaders sound like when they talk.

An original work by Saladore Dali has been stolen, from the lobby of the men’s jail at Riker’s Island. When asked how this could happen, a spokesman for the city explained, “We put a priceless piece of art in a prison.”

This past weekend, Jerry Seinfeld’s wife Jessica gave birth to their second child. His name is Julian, and it’s still unclear what the deal with him is.

Tina Fey: Last week, CIA agents, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, captured Al Quada Operations Chief Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now, with a Weekend Update exclusive.. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Thanks for having me!

Tina Fey: Okay. So, as Al-Quada’s Operations Officer, are you the key to finding Osama bin Laden?

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: That’s a good question. But, first, there’s something mroe important I’d like to address. [ holds up press photo of himself, in all his squallid glamour ] Is the best picture you could find of me? Come on, man, look at this! You don’t drag someone out of bed at four in the morning and take their picture, dude! This is ridiculous!

Jimmy Fallon: You know, you haven’t.. you haven’t really answered the question..

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah, look at this! I look like ron Jeremy in a pillowcase, man! Aw, seriously, bro! I look like the “Time to make the donuts” guy! You know, of Dunkin Donuts?

Tina Fey: [ joining in the fun ] You look like a reject from “My Big Fat Greek Weding”!

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: [ pleased with the comment ] Ohhhh, topical! Yeah, that’s a good one, Tina Fey! Yes, I am one hairy dude, man. Yes. I make Robin Williams look like Bull from “Night Court”!

Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Bull from “Night Court”?

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah! You know, the big bald one, man!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know, I got the joke! What’s going on with the, uh.. t-shirt collar there? What, is he trying to bring back the scoop-neck t-shirt?

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Aw, give me a break, bro.. be cool. Those are my jammies, man! I like to get comfy, you know, in my bed. Aw, man.. I look like a Mario Brother had sex with a Brillo Pad, man! Come on!

Tina Fey: Yeah, I gotta agree with you there. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, everybody!

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Not cool, man!

Thursday marks the first flight of Hooters Air – a low-cost airline that will feature young women in hotpants and tank tops serving snacks. And, in the event of an emergency, the women can be used as a floatation device.

Thanksgiving came early this year, as Macy’s new Aretha Franklin balloon made its way down Central Park West. [ show image of Aretha Franklin balloon sideways held by strings over the street ]

New Hampshire public health officials have initiated a program to help reduce health care costs associated with falls by the elderly. The program is called Just Sit There Until You Die.

It was anounced this week that Kevin Bacon has signed on to star in “The Woodsman”, in which he plays a chld molester recently released from prison. Even weirder, it’s the sequel to “Footloose”.

Tina Fey: In honor of Women’s history month, the Women’s museum of Dallas has developed a list of 10 influential women in U.S. history, and put their images on a series of trading cards. Hey, kids! It’s the Great women of U.S. History! Collect all.. ten!

Jimmy Fallon: According to new federal statistics, San Antonio has the largest percentage of obese adults in the United States. Remember the Alamo? More like, Remember the a la Mode! [ laughs ]

Tina Fey: I hate you.

Jimmy Fallon: A totally good one, right!

Tina Fey: Idiot.

[ a knock is heard offscreen ]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, my God! Tina, is there someone at the Update door?

Tina Fey: Yeah! I’ll get it! [ opens the door ] Oh, Jimmy, look who it is! It’s Oscar-winning actor Dustin Hoffman! Fresh from the Grammys!

Dustin Hoffman: Hi, Tina, how are you? Look, I want to be very, very, very clear to you that, uh.. [ makes his laughter-sniff ] I, uh.. I didn’t host the Grammys.

Tina Fey: But, you were there.. right? There’s a lot of.. big stars, and..

Dustin Hoffman: The Grammys.. were hosted by New York! In New York.. City! Just like.. Weekend Update isn’t hosted by any one person.. [ laughter-sniff ] It’s hosted by New York.. and the people.. are the Grammys.. of New York City! [ claps ] New York! Grammys!

Tina Fey: Actually.. Jimmy and I host Weekend Update. We host Weekend Update.

Dustin Hoffman: [ laughter-sniff ] Just because.. I’m up here.. doesn’t mean I’m hosting Weekend Update, Tina. [ laughter-sniff ] The Grammys.. the Grammys.. are hosting.. Weekend Update.. in New York! New York.. Grammy City.. Grammy! York! And New York! Grammys!

Jimmy Fallon: I’ve seen the Grammys, I know what to do.. Hey, Dustin, uh.. why don’t you just introduce the band? Introduce the band, will’ya?

Dustin Hoffman: Oh.. [ laughter-sniff ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Bruce.. String-bean.. and the Easy Street Band.. and New York! The greatest city in New York! The Grammys!

Tina Fey: Dustin Hoffman, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: Good to see you, Dustin.

The record for Longest Marriage was broken this week, when a pair of childhood sweethearts celebrated their 79th wedding anniversary. Reached for comment, the husband said, “Dear God, when is this excruciating hell gonna end?”

Chazz Palminteri will star in more Vanilla Coke commercials, starting March 11th. It’s a smart move by Coke, because I think most Americans say to themselves “I want to drink what Chazz Palminteri drinks.”

Jimmy Fallon: This weekend, 18 musicals were shut down on Broadway, so musicians went on strike and actors refused to cross the picket line..

[ Trevor the Broadway Guy suddenly jumps in front of the Update desk, dressed a piano keys scarf ]

Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]
“When I was four years old
I saw my first Broadway shoooow
Com-pan-yyyyy!!
I guess you could say I caught
the bu-u-u-u-u-ugg!”

Jimmy Fallon: Great.. it’s Trevor the Broadway Guy..

Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]
“The lights!
The dancers!
The musiiiiicc!
Where’s the music?
Where is the musiiiic?
Where did the music goooooo?

Pre-recorded music’s from the pit
That’s the pits!“

Tina Fey: Okay, Trevor, that’s enough..

Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]
“Broadway is live!
And live, it should be!
Nothing should be canned
except maybe pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace.
And pea-ea-eace.
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-eace!
And pea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea-eace!”

Jimmy Fallon: Enough!! Trevor the Broadway Guy, everybody.

A woman has filed a $35 million lawsuit against “Lord of the Dance” star Michael Flatley, alleging that he attacked and sexually assaulted her – apparently without ever using his arms.

“Married By America” contestant, Denise, is expected to be removed from FOX’s new reality series, after it was revealed that she is still married. Meanwhile, Candy was thrown off of FOX’s “Vagina Auction” for having dude parts.

Jimmy Fallon: It’s a good episode this week.

Tina Fey: Yeah. It was a good “Vagina Auction” this week.

Jimmy Fallon: Big ratings.

A group of students at Harvard University caused controversy by sculpting a nine-foot penis out of ice on campus. The sculpture had to be taken down after ten Wellesley girls got their tongues stuck to it.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jimmy is about the throw his pencil, but Thomas Jefferson comes along and takes it to sign a copy of the Constitution ]

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Mr. Rogers Tribute

…..Horatio Sanz

[ Horatio Sanz enters main stage dressed in yellow sweater and tie, like Mr. Rogers ]

Horatio Sanz: Last week, we, uh.. all lost a good friend. Someone who meant a lot to me when I was growing up.

[ sits on stage apron, and sings ]

“You are my friend, you are special.
You are my friend, you’re special to me.
You are the only one like you.
Like you, my friend, I like you.

In the daytime, in the nighttime,
Anytime that you feel’s the right time
For a friendship with me, you see,
F-R-I-E-N-D special.

You are my friend, you’re special to me.
There’s only one in this wonderful world.
You.. are.. special.”

Thanks, Mr. Rogers!

[ Trolley rolls on track across stage past Horatio ]

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Live! With Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Frenchie Davis…..Queen Latifah

[ open on show logo ]

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly!” Today, we’ve got controversial “American Idol” contestant, Frenchie Davis; from “Old School”, Dan Finnerty; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia! Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

[ to Regis & Kelly entering the set and taking their seats ]

Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well! Good morning, everybody!

Kelly Ripa: Hellooooo!! Hello!

Regis Philbin: Look who’s visiting us today from her maternity leave!

Kelly Ripa: Good morning!

Regis Philbin: [ getting right to the show, earnestly without interruption ] Have you seen the Post today? On Page..

Kelly Ripa: You guys, I am still.. TIRED.. from that delivery!

Regis Philbin: On Page.. On Page 3, it says “Ripa Rips One Out!” That’s the headline!

Kelly Ripa: We thought there was only one baby in there.. but there was a litter of EIGHT BABIES in my belly!

Regis Philbin: They’re writing articles about the delivery!

Kelly Ripa: And I delivered them without psinkillers!

Regis Philbin: People have babies every day! It’s not that unusual!

Kelly Ripa: And, the next day, I shot a shampoo commercial! [ laughs ]

Regis Philbin: Now.. I’ve been in television 51 years..

Kelly Ripa: Hoo, my mom is 51!

Regis Philbin: I never once got press like this! Not one time!

Kelly Ripa: Never!

Regis Philbin: Well, anyway.. I understand you brought some.. pictures of the new babies?

Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is Jake..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Adorable.

Kelly Ripa: This is Lily..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Precious.

Kelly Ripa: This is Wakeem..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Oh, my.

Kelly Ripa: This is Maggie..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: So cute!

Kelly Ripa: This is Mark, Jr..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Sweetheart.

Kelly Ripa: This is Gracie..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Gorgeous.

Kelly Ripa: This is Consuela..

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Adorable!

Kelly Ripa: And this is Pee-Wee!

[ show picture of baby ]

Regis Philbin: Not that cute. Well, that’s terrific. [ looks offscreen ] How are you today, Gelman?

[ cut to Gelman standing next to the camera, wearing a gay Mexican sombrero ]

Gelman: I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?

Gelman: Well, my wife has that flu that’s going around.. so, I took in a few piano bars.

Regis Philbin: Alright, uh.. who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: Frenchie Davis.

Kelly Ripa: Ah! She has such a good voice, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Yeah. She got kicked off “American Idol”, and this girl is good. I mean, she could have been the next Sarah Vaughn!

Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] I don’t know who that is, Regis! WHO IS THAT?!!

Regis Philbin: [ stunned silence at first ] Please welcome.. [ Kelly wraps her arms around Regis’ torso ] Careful, or we’ll BOTH get pregnant! [ Kelly giggles ] Please welcome Frenchie Davis!

[ Frenchie Davis enters set and sits across from Regis & Kelly ]

Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie!

Regis Philbin: Frenchie, welcome to the show.

Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie.

Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t know, Frenchie was a leading contender on “American Idol”, when, all of a sudden, she pops her bobs out on a dirty website, and she gets disqualified!

Frenchie Davis: That’s right, Reggie. ‘Cause you know, FOX is such a classy network, I guess my.. my intimate pictorial was a little too risque for them. But, if y’all want to see it, go to cocoajugs.com!

Regis Philbin: Have you seen this? The internet website? In my day, if you wanted to see naked ladies, you had to put on your coat, get change for a quarter, and walk down to 42nd St. Am I right, Gelman?

Gelman: [ shaking head, smiling ] I wouldn’t know, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Frenchie, why did you do it? Why did you pose topless?

Frenchie Davis: Because, Reggie.. I mean.. I may not have long, blonde hair, or be a slender 160 pounds.. but I love my body! I love it! I really do. And I think I’m very sexy! And, also, depending on where you at in life, $25 can seem like a lot of money, you know what I’m saying?

Regis Philbin: But you got disqualified!

Kelly Ripa: Oh, it is so unfair, Reege. ‘Cause so many stars posed nude on the way up. Madonna, Vaness Williams..

Regis Philbin: Jayne Mansfield.

Kelly Ripa: Ugh! I don’t know who that is, Reege! [ wrapping her arms all over Regis’ body, practically copping a seductive feel ] Who is that! [ wraps her left leg across Regis’ lap ] Who is she!

[ at this point, Darrell Hammond does what he can to refrain from laughing at Amy Poehler’s over-the-top portrayal of Kelly Ripa ]

Regis Philbin: I don’t remember! Alright.. now.. alright.. Frenchie.. Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell, is he really mean or is he a nice guy?

Frenchie Davis: Hmm.. well, Reggie, I never had a prblem with Simon, ’cause I can sang. You know, I’m not like some of these rhyme-star Nikki McKibbin mofos!

Regis Philbin: A bunch of mofos!

Kelly Ripa: You know.. I bet Simon’s a lot like you, Reege.. he seems really gruff and grumpy, but, deep down, he’s just as cute as a little bug’s ear, Big Daddy! [ pinches Regis’ cheeks ]

Regis Philbin: Gelman.. Am I cute as a bug’s ear, Gelman?

Gelman: Don’t go there, Reege!

Kelly Ripa: Now, Frenchie.. Frenchie.. are they gonna bring you back on “American Idol”, right at the end? ‘Cause I think that would be great! As like a surprise twist!

Frenchie Davis: Well.. the way I left it with the people at FOX was.. if they wanted me to come back on the show, they could contact my natural black ass!

[ Regis and Kelly laugh uproariously ]

Regis Philbin: [ peers straight at the camera, arms extended ] That’s wonderful!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, alright.. Frenchie, would you sing something for us today.. please? Please?

Regis Philbin: Please, Frenchie.

Frenchie Davis: [ talked into it ] Okay.. sure. This is my signature song. It’s from “Dream Girls”. Hit it!
[ singing ]
“And I am telling you
I’m not going.
No, you’re the best man I’ll ever know.
There’s no way I can ever go.
No, no, no, no way.”

[ show Gelman bouncing his head happily ]

“No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.No, I’m not living without you…”

Regis Philbin: That’s incredible! That’s so loud!

[ Kelly re-enters frame, with noticeable weight suddenly in her stomach ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, my God! Look what happened!

Frenchie Davis: [ still singing ]
“Oh!
She knocked up again!
Knocked up again..!”

Regis Philbin: When we come back: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia!

Frenchie Davis: [ continues to sing ]
“Wild Travel Trivia!
Wiiiiilllldd..”

[ cue logo card, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Queen Latifah’s Monologue

…..Queen Latifah
Sebastian…..Horatio Sanz
Sagamour…..Seth Meyers
The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Mix-A-Lot…..Tracy Morgan

Queen Latifah: Yes! Thank you! Thank you very, very much! Oh, my God! It has been a crazy.. [ audience won’t stop clapping ] Alright. [ applause finally calms down ] I’ll tell you, it has been a crazy few months, yo! My movie “Bringing Down The House” out, it’s doing great! I did this movie “Chicago”, I got nominated for an Oscar! [ audience breaks into wild applause ] And it is great to be here in New York, but I want make sure I give it up to my peeples over in the illtown You know what I’m sayin’? You gotta remember where you come from!

[ Shakespearean-like performers step forward and blow a trumpet fanfare ]

Wha..?

Sebastian: Queen Latifah! We have

Queen Latifah: [ in heavy British accent ] Oh, my God! Sebastian! Sagamour! Now is not a good time!

Sagamour: The Kingdom of Latifah is in peril! Hordes of marauders are attacking our borders!

Queen Latifah: Oh, heavy hangs the head that wears the crown of the Kingdom of Latifah. Who dares attack the Latifians?!

Sebastian: There are new threats from old enemies. And the townspeople of Nellyville are living in constant fer!

Queen Latifah: Do you mean “fear”?

Sebastian: They say fer!

Sagamour: Meanwhile, there’s a wizardice named Missy Elliot – she speaks in tongues!

Queen Latifah: Tongues?

Sagamour: She keeps chanting.. “Bremenemin Nerhur! Bremenemin Nerhur!”

Sebastian: On our northern borders, the armies have Cool J have returned to harass the Latifians!

Sagamour: We never thought the House of Cool J would come back!

Queen Latifah: Don’t call it a “comeback”! He’s been there for years! And what of the Latifian army?! Have you contacted the Fresh Prince?

Sebastian: Yes! But, sadly, we’ve only heard back from DJ Jazzy Jeff. He calls a lot. I mean – a lot.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Your Highness!

Queen Latifah: My goodness.. it is my sister, the Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Please.. call me Cad Tlakwa. Your kingdom needs you. I don’t understand what you have to gain by dwelling amongst.. the commoners.

Queen Latifah: I’m the ambassador from the Latifians to the rest of the world! That is why I became the First Lady of Hip Hop.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: True.

Queen Latifah: And, that’s why I did a show entitled.. “Living Single”.

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Ohhhhh! That was you?! That show was funny! Yeah! Tootie grew up cute, too!

Queen Latifah: [ laughs ] Didn’t she, though! And that’s why I’m going to the Oscars!

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Baby girrrrl!! Who you sittin’ next to?

Queen Latifah: Girl, Daniel Day-Lewis!

The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Mmm! Mmm! Love me that white sugar!

[ Sir Mix-A-Lot, actually dressed as a knight in armor, makes his entrance ]

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yo, Queen! The enemy has been defeated!

Queen Latifah: What?! What great news, Sir Mix-A-Lot!

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yeah, that’s good, but it took me a fortnight to get here on my Stallion Escalade! Got pulled over six times – a black man can’t own a white horse in this town!

Queen Latifah: Oh, dear.. how can I ever repay you, Sir Mix-A-Lot?

Sir Mix-A-Lot: I cannot lie. I like big butts! [ singing ] “I like big butts, and I cannot lie!“

Queen Latifah: Okay! Okay, Tracy, we get it! Okay, we got a great show for you tonight! Ms. Dynamite is here! Yeah! so, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Profiles In Jazz

Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
Alberta Jones…..Queen Latifah
Friend/Louis Armstrong…..Tracy Morgan
Della Peyton…..Maya Rudolph
Kelvyn Delongpre…..Fred Armisen
Rufus Monroe…..Dean Edwards

Announcer: You’re watching A&E, which means you’re old, or you’re asleep and accidentally rolled over onto the remote control. Coming up at 11:00 on A&E, it’s.. “Biography”: The Guy Who Played Dauber on “Coach”, Bill Fager- something.. But, first.. “Profiles In Jazz”.

[ dissolve to the haggard-as-usual Jack Perkins on his part of the set, holding up a drink of something strong ]

Jack Perkins: Welcome to “Profiles In Jazz”. I’m Jack Perkins. I used to host “Biography’, but, apparently, the pansies upstairs thought my drinking was becoming a problem. I don’t think I have a drinking problem! I drink, I get drunk; I pass out naked in the middle of the A&E Christmas party! No problemo! [ pause ] Anyway.. back in 1926, down in tiny Mecklenberg, Mississippi.. one of the biggest, most controverial voices in jazz was about to burst onto the scene. Miss Alberta Jones.

[ dissolve to a remembrance by an anonymous friend ]

Friend: I first saw Alberta Jones in 1924. I was walking down the street, and she had cracked me clean across the face with a Louisville Slugger! Now, she had thought I was the guy who stole her icebox! I did still her icebox! But the thing about Alberta was that she sang about things that other people wouldn’t – especially the females! [ laughing ] And I’m talking about sexual things here! Her songs were filled with sexual innuendos! Like that one song.. that one song.. “Milkman’s Blues”!

[ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

Alberta Jones: [ singing ]
“The milkman came around
Brought me a jar of his love.
Yeah, he brought me fresh cream
Said he wouldn’t wear no glove.
Every time the milkman came around
I knew I was gonna get laid!”

[ dissolve to a remembrance by friend Della Peyton ]

Della Peyton: Y-yeah, you see.. if you listen very carefully.. the song wasn’t just about a milkman delivering milk.. it was also about sexual intercourse, you see.. The part that gives it away is when she say she gonna get laid.. One of my favorites was a saucy little tune called “Joe The Plumber”.

[ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

Alberta Jones: [ singing ]
“That man, Joe The Plumber
He sure know how to lay your pipes.
He can unclog my drain
Up to ten times a night.

Just to be clear,
the drain refers to my sexual organs
Hey, Mr. Plumber..
Whaddaya say we hump?”

[ dissolve to remembrance by jazz historian Kelvyn Delongpre ]

Kelvyn Delongpre: The 20’s were a really transformative time for Jazz, and the African-American diaspora as a whole. These songs were a mode of reclaiming the sexuality that had long been suppressed by the social racial status quo.

[ dissolve to remembrance by former lover Kelvyn Delongpre ]

Kelvyn Delongpre: Yeah.. Alberta Jones was pretty much jusy a ho! I mean, she’d do the nasty with just about anyone! Man.. women.. old people.. cigar store Indian.. you name it!

[ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

Alberta Jones: [ singing ]
“Let’s make whoopee in a park
Let’s make whoopee in a car
Let’s make whoopee in a tree
Ohh.. let’s make whoopee..In.. my.. butt!”

[ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]

Jack Perkins: When she died at the age of 29, due to what scientists called a “perfect storm” of venereal diseases, Alberta left behind osme of the Blues’ most poetic and timeles classics. Songs like: “Butt Party”.. “I Don’t Do Oral”.. “Weiner Patrol”.. “Okay, Fine, I’ll Do Oral”.. “Autumn Nocturn”.. “Teabags For Two”.. Alright, I’m not reading the rest of these. Her most famous song, of course, was her duet with Louis Armstrong, called “Lovin’ You”.

[ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing with Louis Armstrong ]

Louis Armstrong: “Loving you baby is all I wanna do.”

Alberta Jones: “Loving you baby is easy ‘cuz it’s true.”

Louis Armstrong: “I’m gonna flip you over sideways, and..”[ A black “Censored” bar appears over Armstring’s mouth, followed by a long bleeping noise commonly heard when TV shows bleep out offensive language ]

[ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]

Jack Perkins: We can’t show you any more of that twenty-four minute masterpiece! In fact, owning a copy of the recording is still a crime in several states! But, that was Alberta Jones. Songbird.. poetess.. legend.. old-fashioned ho bag. For A&E, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-nite!

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Give Up The Ham

Jennifer…..Amy Poehler
Aisha…..Queen Latifah
Sylvia…..Rachel Dratch
Shantelle…..Maya Rudolph
Charlene…..Tracy Morgan
Emily…..Chris Kattan
Butcher…..Will Forte
Narrator…..Chris Parnell

[Open on exterior of A&P supermarket]

[Interior of supermarket, looking down food aisle. A conservatively-dressed white woman with shopping car enters from right, and a casually-dressed black woman with shopping cart enters from left. Each approaches a freezer case in the middle of the aisle and they simultaneously reach for a large ham lying inside.]

Jennifer: [chuckles] Oh! Isn’t this funny?

Aisha: Heh. It *sure* is…

Jennifer: We both want this ham.

Aisha: We sure did! Hehehe… Well, are you gonna let it go?

Jennifer: Well, no. I mean, I got here first… so…

Aisha: Girl, this is *my* ham!

Jennifer: It’s *my* ham. My husband is bringing home some clients, somevery important clients, and I was going to serve ham. [they begin towrestle more over the ham] There! You thoroughly embarrassed me, so if you would just please…

Aisha: Nuh-uh! I’m’a take this ham home, and I’m’a eat it! [ham-wrestling intensifies]

Jennifer: Ma’am, it’s *my* ham…

Aisha: Don’t you “Ma’am” me, Miss Smarty-Mouth!

Jennifer: Okay, perfect. Are you satisfied?

Aisha: I’ll be satisfied when you let go of my ham!

Jennifer: Uh! I’d hardly expect you to understand this, but I was going to glaze this ham. Do you see what I have in my cart? There’s some cinnamon, some corn syrup, some light brown sugar, half a cup of apple cider… So there you have it, gimme the ham!…

Aisha: Well, for your infor-fay-she-on, I was gonna put a half a pound of butter on this ham, and pineapple it, and stick mad cloves in it, and then I was gonna bake it, and then me an’ my peoples was gonna eat it. So there you have it…

[Second conservatively dressed white woman enters from right]

Sylvia: Oh! Jennifer! Jennifer Hastings!

Jennifer: Sylvia Nash, my God…

Sylvia: [looking incredulously at both women’s hands on the ham] What in heaven’s name?!…

Jennifer: This woman won’t let go of my ham!

Sylvia: [scolding] You let go of it immediately! That’s Jenny’s ham!

Aisha: Shut up! I’m takin’ this ham!

Jennifer: No you’re not…

Sylvia: [reaching in to assist Mrs. Hastings] Give her the ham, you vulgar lady!

[Second casually-dressed black woman enters from left]

Shantelle: Aisha!

Aisha: Shantelle!

Shantelle: What you doin’, girl?

Aisha: These two white bitches is tryin’ to steal my ham!

Shantelle: Oh no they not! You better let go of that ham befo’ you get hit with it upside ya head!

Sylvia: Oh, now listen both of you: Jennifer Hastings is one of the finest women I know. If she says that that is her ham, then I am sure that that is *her* ham!

Jennifer: Thank you, Sylvia. Now let go of the ham!

[Third casually-dressed black woman enters]

Charlene: Aisha, Shantello!

Aisha and Shantelle: [in unison] Hey Charlene!

Charlene: Why is she pullin’ on that ham?

Shantelle: ‘Cause it’s *hers*, and Martha Stewart over there won’t let go…

Jennifer: [sighs]

Charlene: Well just pull on it, girl — you got some pounds on her!

Aisha: What you think I been tryin’ to do? She pullin’ on it like a pit bull!

Jennifer: Uh! How dare you?! I have half a mind…

Aisha: You let go of this ham!

Jennifer: Not on your life! [imperiously] This ham will be glazed, in my Viking stove, on my Williams-Sonoma oven rack…

[Third white woman enters from right, wearing tennis attire and carrying a racket]

Emily: [approaching] Did I hear Jennifer Hastings?

Jennifer: Oh! Emily! Thank God…

Sylvia: Emily, it’s *beyond* horrific: poor Jennifer is about to lose her ham!

Emily: Oh! [wagging finger] Let go of that ham! That ham belongs to myfriend Jennifer Hastings!

Charlene: Ohhhh yeah, let me grab that ham! [reaches in to assist]

Emily: [reaching over with tennis racket and swinging] Keep your hands off her ham!

Jennifer: Uh! Let go!

Aisha: You let go!

Shantelle: You let go!

Emily: Ham-stealer! You’re a ham-stealer!

[arguing and wrestling continues]

[Faint soulful/psychedelic music begins as long-haired man in butcher’sapron enters from rear left]

Butcher: Stop it! Stop it this instant! [lights go down as he takes hamfrom between the two women and walks to the front of the freezer case]Everyone just needs to cooooooool out.

[singing]
Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
Give up the haaaaaam!
Oh yeah!…
Give up the haaaaaam! Peace and unity,
Give up the haaaaaam!
All right!…
Give up the haaaaaam! Brother loving brother,
Give up the haaaaaam!
Oh yeah!…
Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
Give up the haaaaaam!
[raises ham over head]

[Music continues, and ham combatants hum and sway with the music. Mandressed in suit and tie enters foreground from right]

Narrator: Give up… the ham. Pretty powerful words. I can’t speak for the writer, but maybe this simple piece about a fight over a ham was more about people loving one another in these trying times.

I *do* know this: the writer of this sketch would really like to thank the makers of Rheingold Beer for their generous offer this week. We don’t often get sent free stuff, so when a case of their very fine beer was delivered to the offices, this particular writer took it upon himself to enjoy the smooth taste of each bottle.

Although he pounded the sketch out in ten minutes while drunk off his ass, I don’t think that takes away from the enduring message he’s brough forth tonight. So, yeah: let’s *do*… give up the ham. And thanks, Rheingold.

[Man in suit cocks his head, makes double-gun motion with his hands, and exits. In background, ham combatants hug.]

Thanks to Amanda for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Goodnights

…..Queen Latifah

Queen Latifah: Thank you so much to Ms. Dynamite. The incredible Dan Aykroyd. My mommy, my daddy, my family! The incredible cast! Aaron Winston, Buddy Lang! Shah! Tammy! Lorne! Everyone! This is a lifelong dream! Thank you so much! Y’all have a good time tonight!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 14

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

The Fight

Tracy…..Tracy Morgan
Kendra…..Queen Latifah
Bystander #1…..Amy Poehler
Bystander #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Bystander #3…..Darrell Hammond

[ The street, evening. Tracy rushes to the outside of an apartment, where Kendra is throwing clothes out the window. ]

Tracy: Damn, Kendra! Why you throwin’ my stuff everywhere?

Kendra: I told you, I want you OUT!

Tracy: Come on, baby, let’s talk about this!

Kendra: No! Hell no! Take yo’ crap and GO!

Tracy: [ notices three bystanders behind him ] Folks, do you mind?!

Bystander #1: Not at all.

Bystander #2: Don’t mind us.

Bystander #3: This is exciting!

Tracy: Baby, I love you! Why you treatin’ me like this?

Kendra: You had sex with my MUVV-ah!

[ The bystanders react: “Ohhh — burn!” ]

Tracy: What — I DID NOT!

Kendra: Uh huh! My sister saw you!

[ The bystanders snicker ]

Bystander #2: Busted, dude.

Tracy: I can explain that!

Kendra: I don’t wanna hear it! Just take yo’ stuff! Matter fact, here go yo’ stinky, dirty, skinny draw’s! [ throws out his underwear; the bystanders react in disgust ]

Bystander #2: Aw man, that’s nasty.

Kendra: And here go yo’ cheap-ass cologne! [ chucks the bottle on the ground where it shatters ]

Tracy: Come on, I bought that at Costco!

Bystander #1: [ waves hand ] Aw, man, that’s, that’s nasty too.

Bystander #2: [ giggling ] Yeah.

Tracy: Come on, you makin’ me mad, Kendra! You better let me back in there right NOW!

Kendra: Or what? Or you gon’ break down the door? Why, so you can get your MC Hammer pants? [ waves them around ] Can’t touch this, I can’t touch this, I can’t — [ throws them out ]

Tracy: OKAY! I was wrong to yell at you! I realize that now!

Bystander #2: [ picks them up ] God. I’ve never seen MC Hammer pants in person.

Bystander #3: Cool …

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I wore those for Halloween!

Bystander #2: Sure you did.

Kendra: And here go yo’ MC Hammer CDs … [ throws them out ]

Bystander #2: Man … geez …

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] Oh, come on! That first album was pretty good.

Bystander #1: [ picks up a CD ] Yeah … this one’s the Addams Family soundtrack! [ Bystander #2 giggles ]

Kendra: [ tossing out more CDs ] Yeah … and here go yo’ Vanilla Ice, yo’ Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and yo’ Rico Suave!

Tracy: [ to Kendra ] His name was Gerardo!

Kendra: Oh yeah, and don’t forget yo’ Star Wars t-shirts! [ throws them out ]

Tracy: Oh, come on, first of all, those aren’t mine, second of all, those are Deep Space Nine shirts!

Kendra: And here go yo’ purple cape! [ throws it out ]

Bystander #1: You own a purple cape?

Tracy: [ to bystanders] Again, Halloween.

Bystander #1: I thought you were Hammer.

Tracy: I was Super-Hammer. … That’s worse, isn’t it?

Bystanders: Yeah.

Kendra: And here’s your fanny pack … [ tosses it ]

Bystander #2: Aw, man, fanny pack?

Tracy: Agai- it was a GIFT!

Bystander #2: Sure it was.

Tracy: [ to Kendra ] Just CALM DOWN for a second, baby doll!

Kendra: [ huff ] … Don’t you “baby doll” me.

Tracy: Now listen, I know you’re hurtin’, boo. Just listen to me, will you do that, baby, PLEASE? Please?

Kendra: YEAH! Okay.

Tracy: Now … you know I love you, right?

Kendra: … I guess.

Tracy: You know I know you love ME, right?

Kendra: Yeah, I guess.

Tracy: Jus-just think about it. All I did was sleep wit yo’ moms, right?

Kendra: Ooh, son of a BITCH!

Bystander #2: Ehhh, lost her on that one, lost her on that.

Bystander #1: Yeah, not, not good.

Kendra: You take yo’ Garfield phone … [ throws it out ] … and don’t forget this stupid-ass …

Tracy: No!

Kendra: … self-portrait! [ throws out a painting of a green and red face ]

Tracy: No, not the self-portrait! The dude at the Y said I was a natural!

Kendra: And don’t forget this damn snake! [ throws it out; Tracy catches it ]

Tracy: Not King Arthur!

Kendra: You tell yo’ moms to take care of that slimy bastard.

Tracy: [ puts the snake on his shoulders ] Listen, it was a accident, I SWEAR!

Kendra: Oh, save it, cornball!

Tracy: Damn! Come on …

Kendra: Oh, by the way, I found your porno tapes! [ tosses them out ]

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] I thought I hid those pretty good.

Bystander #1: Wow.

Bystander #2: Yeah.

[ The bystanders watch as more and more tapes hit the ground ]

Bystander #2: How big is your closet, dude?

Tracy: Now … those aren’t all porn, some of those are karate tapes.

Bystander #2: Yeah, right.

Kendra: [ throwing more items out ] And here is your penile pump … and your penis enlargement pills … and your stay-hard cream!

Tracy: Not — wait, whoa — not only are those not all mine, but those don’t even work!

Bystander #3: I’ll give you fifty cents for that cream. [ hands him two quarters ]

Tracy: Sold. [ takes the quarters; Bystander #3 takes the tube of cream and leaves ]

Kendra: Oh yeah … and don’t forget yo’ punk-ass cousin Kenny! [ tosses a body out the window; Kenny gets up and limps away ]

Tracy: Wait — baby, he’s just crashin’ till his pad is good and ready!

Kendra: He’s been here for six months!

Tracy: I know, baby, you’re right!

Kendra: Oh, and here your stuffed bear go!

Tracy: Wait a minute, I gave you that bear, remember?

Kendra: That was before you had sex with my MUVV-ah!

Tracy: I know. But I only made love to yo’ moms so that I could know how it would feel to make love to you twenty years from now!

Kendra: [ has a change of heart ] … Really?

Bystander #1: She bought that?

Tracy: [ to bystanders ] SHHHH! [ to Kendra ] Yes, really! … You my girl, y’know. I wanna grow old wit’chu.

Kendra: I wanna grow old wit’chu, too.

Tracy: I love you, Kendra.

Kendra: I love you too, daddy. … I’m sorry I threw your clothes on the ground. And all them things for your ding-dong. Will you forgive me?

Tracy: Yeah, yeah, I forgive you.

Kendra: [ smiles ] Well why don’t you come up here and we can make up all proper-like?

[ The two bystanders leave ]

Tracy: What — looks like it’s Hammer Time! [ picks up the purple cape ] Oh yeah! Oh — wait a minute.

Kendra: What’s wrong, what’s wrong?

Tracy: I gotta catch up with that dude with the cream! [ runs away ]

[ Applause, fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?

Paula Poundstone…..Rachel Dratch
Gilbert Gottfried…..Jimmy Fallon
Danny Aiello…..Darrell Hammond
Gary Busey…..Jeff Richards
Kathy Griffin…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: This Spring on ABC, watch five celebrities – unscripted and uncensored – face off against one another in a gruelling physical challenge.

Paula Poundstone.. Gilbert Gottfried.. Danny Aiello.. Gary Busey.. and Kathy Griffin star in..

[ farting sound effect ]

Gilbert Gottfried: Oh, my goodness!

Announcer: “I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?”

Danny Aiello: What have you been eatin’, Poundstone?!

Paula Poundstone: Come on, you can’t be serious! That was totally Griffin!

Gilbert Gottfried: No! Busey! Busey, I know that was you!

Gary Busey: Trust me, buddy – you’ll know when a Juicy Busey hits ya between the eyes!

[ farting sound effect ]

Gilbert Gottfried: That’s a Juicy Busey, if I ever heard one!

Danny Aiello: It’s a twister!

Announcer: This Spring on ABC. It’s “I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?” Right after “I’m A Celebrity: Get Me Out of I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted?”

SNL Transcripts

02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

Who Farted?

Woman #1…..Maya Rudolph
Man #1…..Seth Meyers
Woman #2…..Queen Latifah
Man #2…..Will Forte
Man #3…..Darrell Hammond
Man #4…..Horatio Sanz
Man #5…..Tracy Morgan
Woman #3…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on FOX logo ]

Announcer: Coming soon to FOX..

[ dissolve to group of men and women sitting on a cramped room, all looking toward one another ]

A new show that pushes the limits of reality television. Eight strangers. Thrust together in a single, windowless room. Where trust is a memory, teamwork is a gamble. And a traitor is in their midst.

Woman #1: Well.. this isn’t so bad.

Man #1: Yeah, it’s a little tight in here.. but, not as bad as the subway, right?

Woman #2: Are you from New York?

Man #1: Uh.. yeah. I moved there in-

[ suddenly, a loud fart breaks out ]

[ cut to show logo card ]

Announcer: “Who Farted?” All of them smelt it. But only one of them dealt it.

[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]

Woman #2: Child, that was funky!

Man #2: I-it wasn’t me, it was her!

Woman #1: It was not me!

Man #1: Whoever it was has a medical problem.

Man #3: Come on, own up to it!

Woman #1: If I did, I would! Because I’m comfortable with that!

Man #2: My God! There’s really no way out of here!

[ cut to show logo card ]

Announcer: “Who Farted?” Who knows? Each and every one in the room is under equal suspicion.

[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]

Woman #1: I’m voting for the fat guy.

Woman #2: Second it!

Man #4: Aw, come on! That’s just not fair!

[ cut to graphic “Mind-bending twist” ]

Announcer: With a mind-bending twist you have to see to believe.

[ back to the room, as everyone covers their nose ]

Man #1: Alright, listen, people.. I just think that we ne-

[ everyone begins to gasp over an unheard but noticeable fart ]

Man #5: Oh, my God, it’s another one!

Woman #2: Damn, that’s spicy!

Man #3: But I didn’t hear anything..

Woman #4: [ whispering ] It was silent but deadly..

[ cut to show logo ]

Announcer: This Spring, on FOX: “Who Farted?” He who denied it, supplied it – or did he? [ employs a villianous laugh ]

[ another loud fart breaks out ]

Announcer: Sorry. That was me. Just watch it. It’s on FOX.

SNL Transcripts