Month: October 2018

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Jennifer Garner’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Garner
…..Chris Parnell
…..Chris Kattan
…..Seth Meyers
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Horatio Sanz

Jennifer Garner: Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! It is great to be here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. It’s great to be here. This show is so much work! But it’s still less work than “Alias”. I mean, I’ve been on vacation this week! [ laughs ] I didn’t have to kick anyone in the groin the whole week. I mean, I did kick some people in the groin.. but not because I had to. [ Chris Parnell enters, holding a large heart-shaped bx of candy ] Hey, Chris!

Chris Parnell: Hey, Jennifer. Uh.. I just wanted to give this to you, to say, “Thanks for being such an awesome host!” You’re the coolest.

Jennifer Garner: Ohhhh, thank you, that is so sweet! [ takes the gift ] Why didn’t you give his to me yesterday, when it really was Valentine’s Day?

Chris Parnell: [ winks ] Because I wanted to do it on television!

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ]

[ Chris Kattan enters, carrying a bouquet of roses ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Jennifer! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Jennifer Garner: Oh, my God! Chris! This is too much!

Chris Kattan: Well.. I have this thing where all the money I used to spend on cocaine, I spend on flowers..

Jennifer Garner: Oh.. well, okay, then..

[ Seth Meyers enters, carrying a tiny heart-shaped box of candy ]

Seth Meyers: Uh.. hey, Jennifer.

Jennifer Garner: Hi, Seth! What’d you bring me?

Seth Meyers: Uh.. [ looks at his tiny gift ] Nothing.. forget it.. Why do I bother?

Jennifer Garner: Come on.. you guys didn’t have to get me anything. I mean.. you know I’m married, right?

Jimmy Fallon: No, I don’t want to hear that! You’re my girlfriend!

Jennifer Garner: Aw, Jimmy.

Darrell Hammond: It’s just that.. it’s just that you’re our favorite host of all time, ever.

[ Tracy Morgan enters, dressed as Cupid ]

Tracy Morgan: I don’t dress up like Cupid for everybody, you know.

Jennifer Garner: [ laughs ] Well, I’ve had a great time working with all of you, too. And.. in fact.. I’ve really been thinking a lot about you guys this week, and.. well, there’s something that I’d like to say to you. But maybe I could say it better through a song. [ music pots up, as Jennifer breaks into song ]

“My fun-ny Valentines.
Sweet com-ic Valentines.
You make me smi-i-i-i-i-ile with my heart..”

[ to Chris Parnell, whose hand has slipped behind Garner’s lower quarters ] Get your hand off my butt, right now!

Chris Parnell: Sorry.. [ removes his hand ]

Jennifer Garner: [ rubs her hands on Will Forte’s face ]
“Your looks.. are laugh-a-ble
Un-photo-graph-able..”

Seriously, how did this guy get on TV?

[ Will Forte frowns; Garner moves on to Fred Armisen ]

“Yet your my fav’rite.. work of art.”

[ mashes her hands in Fred’s face ] A Picasso!

[ to Horatio Sanz ] “Is your figure.. less than Greek?”

Horatio Sanz: Oh, come on!

Jennifer Garner: [ to Chris Kattan ] “Is your mouth.. a little weak?”

Chris Kattan: [ confused ] What does that mean?

Jennifer Garner:
“When you o-pen it.. to speak?
Are you sma-a-a-rt?”

[ moves Kattan’s lips up and down ] No.. I’m.. not.. sma-a-a-a-a-artt!

[ to Jimmy Fallon ] “Don’t change your hair.. for me-e-e-e..”

On second thought, change it – it looks like you combed your hair with your foot!

[ rubs Tracy Morgan’s face ]
“Not if you.. care for me-e-e-e.”
Stay, little Val-en-tine
Sta-a-a-a-a-a-yyyyy!”

Tracy Morgan: You make me feel like the Lion King!

Jennifer Garner:
“Each day is Val-en-ti-i-i-i-ine’s Da-a-a-a-a-ayyy!”

Thanks, guys! Thanks, Valentines! We’ve got a great show tonight, Beck is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

When The Lights Come Up

Guy…..Jimmy Fallon
Girl…..Jennifer Garner
Girl under light…..Fred Armisen
Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Ernie…..Tracy Morgan
Ernie under light…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on interior, ]

Guy: And then what happened?

Girl: And then.. I looked down.. and I had the wrong dog!

[ they both laugh hysterically ]

Guy: That’s why she wouldn’t say it!

Girl: Yeah!

Guy: Man! It’s so fun hanging out with you! You’re so cool.

Girl: Oh, thanks! So are you.

Bartender: Last call, everybody! Last call!

Girl: [ looks at watch ] Oh, my God, it’s almost four o’clock! I can’t believe we talked this much!

Guy: Let’s go somewhere else! Do you like pancakes?

Girl: I love pancakes!

Guy: Great. I know this place on 15th and 2nd, it’s a great diner.

Girl: Okay!

Guy: Yeah?

Girl: Uh.. you know what kind of pancakes I love?

Bartender: Everybody out!! Here ocme the lights!! [ flips the lights on ]

[ with the lights on in full, Girl doesn’t look as attractive as she did in the semi-dark ]

Girl under light: Blueberry pancakes. But only when they use real blueberries, not like compost.

Guy: [ freaked out by the reality of thesituation ] Gahhhh!! Gahh!

Girl under light: Don’t you hate it when they turn on these lights? I mean, you feel like you’re put so together, and.. suddenly you’re not?

Guy: No, actually.. actually, you look great.. you look great.. [ turns to face the Bartender ] Davie? Can you turn the lights back down, just for a minute, please? Be a guy? Thanks!

Bartender: Fine! [ turns the lights down ]

Guy: Yeah, thanks.

[ with the lights down again, Girl returns to looking attractive ]

Girl: Can we walk it from here?

Guy: Uh.. yes! Real close, 15th at 2nd.

Girl: You know.. gosh.. I never say this, but.. [ sighs ] What if we just got the goodnight kiss over with now, so we can relax?

Guy: Like, in “Annie Hall”?

Girl: [ excited ] That’s my favorite movie!

Guy: Me, too!

Girl: No way!

Guy: Yeah!

Girl: [ a beat ] So, we’re agreed?

Guy: Yeah..

[ they lean in for a kiss ]

Bartender: Take it outside, people! [ flips the lights on again ]

[ once again, Girl doesn’t look as attractive with the lights up as she did in the semi-dark ]

Guy: [ opens his eyes from kiss, noticing the difference made by the lighting ] Gah gah goo! Gahhh!!! [ backs away quick ]

Girl under light: [ happy ] That was so nice.. your lips are so soft.

Guy: Yeah.. yeah.. yeah, I might be more drunk than I thought.. Maybe we should skip the pancakes, and go another time. What do you think?

Girl under light: You sure?

Guy: Yeah.. You-you know what? Hold on a minute.. [ picks up pool cue, and stretches it across the bar so he can flip the lights back off; Girl returns to a state of beauty in the darkened room ]

Girl: Isn’t that guy gonna get mad at you!

Guy: Uh, no.. I’m a regular! [ changes subject ] You’re very pretty.. right?

Girl: Thank you!

Guy: I mean.. I love your, I love your-your pretty face.. I want to hold on to your.. pretty face, until.. until the sun comes..

[ Bartender flips the lights back on, returning Girl to her less than attractive appearance ]

Guy: ..aaaggghhh!! Aaaggghhh, god-damn!

Girl under light: [ swooning ] That’s so romantic..

Guy: Yeah..

Girl under light: [ chipper ] Ready to go?

Guy: Just give me one second, okay? [ rushes to the bar, drinking all the leftover beer from the bottoms of various glasses and steins abandoned across the counter from patrons who’ve already gone home; under the guise of his beer goggles, Girl has returned to her normal, attractive self ]

Girl: [ laughing ] What are you doing!

Guy: [ coughing ] What did you say? [ squints his eyes at Girl, but the excessive lighting returns to the grim reality to his vision ]

Girl under light: I said, what are you doing?!

Guy: Uh.. just goofing around! Uh, you know what, let’s forget that pancakes.. uh.. I know a dark burrito place we can go to.

[ Ernie appears from a darkened corner of the bar, pushing a mop across the floor ]

Ernie: You two get home safe. Good night!

Girl under light: Thank you! Good night!

[ Girl and Guy exit the bar ]

Ernie: [ smiling ] Oh, you know, there ain’t nothin’ like two people in love, right?

Bartender: Yeah. So, uh.. you ready for a little after-hours party, Ernie?

[ Ernie, who has now wandered into a better-lit area of the bar with his mop, now has the appearance of an attractive woman ]

Ernie under light: I sure am.

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Goodnights

…..Jennifer Garner

Jennifer Garner: We would like to say “Thank you!” to Beck! And thank you all! Happy Valentine’s Day! I had a great time, thank you so much! Goodbye!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

Clappin’

Woman…..Rachel Dratch
Man…..Horatio Sanz

[ commercial parody is interspersed with scenes of the Clappin’ group clapping like wild ]

Announcer: From the producers of Stomp and Blast, it’s Broadway’s hottest new sensation: “Clappin'”!

USA Today calls it the “most groundbreaking theater to come along so far in 2003. Put your hands together for “Clappin'”!”

[ cut to pair of attendees ]

Woman: Usually, I don’t unerstand musicals. But, um.. this is great! Three hours of nothing but clapping!

[ show more scenes of clapping ]

Announcer: The Chicago Tribune calls it “high energy.. loud.. clap-filled.”

You’ll get caught red-handed having a good time! Unlike anything you’ve ever witnessed before. Three hours of non-stop clappin’!

And the finale, representing the clapping style of foreign lands.

[ cut to male attendee ]

Man: Oh, my God, they were amazing! I don’t know how they did it, they were just, like.. [ mimicks skillful clapping moves ]

Announcer: It’s not a play.. it’s not dance.. it’s Clappin’!

At the Charles Street Playhouse. For tickets, call Tele-Charge, or log on to clappintheperformancesensation.com.

Clappin’!

Clappin’! Ohhhh, so good!

SNL Transcripts

02l: Jennifer Garner / Beck

A Message From The President Of The United States

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President George W. Bush sitting behind desk in Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. More than a year ago, this administration begin a sustained effort to rid the world, once and for all, of the threat posed by Saddam Hussein and his.. weapons of mass destruction. Throughout this process, as we’ve attempted to use diplomatic means to achieve our goal, we’ve met steady resistance. Not only from the Iraqi regime, but often from our own European allies. But we’ve persisted, because we thought the cause was too important, and the stakes too high to give up.

However, as of early this afternoon, it is no longer this administration’s policy to use diplomatic pressure to force Iraq to disarm. As of that time, this administration has officially lost interest in disarming Iraq. And now no longer cares whether Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction or not. I mean it! [ chuckles ] We just don’t care any more!

Now.. to those who have followed our public statements over the past fourteen months, this shift in policy will probably come as a surprise. But, last night as I was watching Belgium’s ambassador to the U.N. read his statement in response to the second report from the weapons inspectors.. and, in case you missed it, it was a heck of a presentation, a real humdinger! But somethnig he said struck me, and I turned to Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld, and I said, “Tell me the truth, guys.. how much do you really care if Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?” And they told me, “Honestly, Mr. President – and, don’t be angry – but, at this point, we have no strong opinion either way.” “I know exactly what you mean,” I said. So then we called Dick Cheney to get his take, and that was the clincher! He said that, frankly, he’d always liked Iraq, and weapons of mass destruction. But he had backed policy because he wanted to be a team player. So, we all got talking, and.. half-an-hour later, we had a new Iraq policy. Which, basically, came down to the fact that we’re tired of thinknig about Saddma Hussein, and, as far as we’re concerned, he can pretty much do what he wants. We’re still not happy about him having weapons of mass destruction, and, possibly funneling them to terrorist groups.. but, let’s face it – that’s his business, and we’re staying out of it.

Now, of course, if some.. “private” organization, such as Greenpeace or the Red Cross or the Knights of Columbus wants to disarm Iraq.. they are more than welcome. And they can go over there and pressure the Iraqis to give up their weapons of mass destruction – if they actually have them, which, let’s be honest.. we don’t know for sure.

So, then. What’s next for this administration? Obviously, we’ve been focusing pretty much exclusively on Iraq for the last year, so we’ll need to retool. The first order of business is probably a vacation – say five to six months – after which, we can come back fresh, with a whole new agenda. Although, nationally, we will have to deal with the Iraqis, because, I’ll tell you – we’ve got some serious diplomatic fence-mending to do with them. But.. whatever our new agenda involves, I promise you.. we’ll think it through in advance, and, this time, we’ll stick with it.

In closing, I apologize for wasting everyone’s time on Iraq. And, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 15th, 2003

Jennifer Garner

Beck

None

A Message From The President of the United States

President Bush (Chris Parnell) has lost interest in disarming Iraq.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

Jennifer Garner’s Monologue

Garner sings “My Funny Valentine” to would-be suitors among male cast members.

Clappin’

On-stage dance craze of clappin’ receives positive audience response.

When The Lights Come Up

Man’s (Jimmy Fallon) date (Garner) looks more pleasing in the dark.

Wake Up Wakefield

Sheldon (Rachel Dratch) receives a surprise at after school Valentine’s Dance.

Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.

Saddam calls Osama

Saddam Hussein (Horatio Hanz) calls Osama bin Laden (Jimmy Fallon) and rambles.

Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden.

Invitation To Love

Actress (Garner) is frustrated during scene with gayish male lead (Chris Kattan).

Siamese Twins

Roommates (Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan) have date with twins (Garner, Rachel Dratch).

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Burt Bacharach (Jeff Richards) comments on Iraq with rhyming meters.

Tracy Morgan’s Black History rant is interrupted by technical difficulties.

Chris Parnell sings secret-agent rap ditty for Garner.

Beck performs “Lost Cause”

Michael Jackson In A Tree

Liz Taylor (Rachel Dratch) tries to talk Jackson (Amy Poehler) down as UFO lands.

Beck performs “Guess I’m Doin’ Fine”

Wal-Mart Greeters

Greeters (Garner, Amy Poehler) scare customers with descriptions of Wal-Mart’s size.

My Big Thick Novel

Dead cells.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Joseph Jackson…..Tracy Morgan
Patrick Kelly…..Will Forte
Gunther Kelly…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge officially upgraded the nation to Terror Alert Level Orange. [ SUPER: “Happy Orange Alert!” ] Hey! Happy Orange Alert, everybody!

[ Tina and Jimmy begin dancing to “One Time We’re Going To Celebrate” ]

Tina Fey: In a documentary that aired on “20/20” this Thursday, Michael Jackson discussed his fondness for kids, saying, “I have slept in a bed with many children. I am Peter Pan in my heart.. and Pinocchio in my pants.”

During Thursday night’s interview, Jackson claimed to have had no plastic surgery on his face, except for two nose jobs. But, here at Weekend Update, we have put together a photo compilation of Michael that seems to prove otherwise. Here is Michael today.. [ holds up current photo of Michael Jackson ] This is Michael a year ago.. [ holds up older photo of Michael ] Here is Michael in 1995.. [ holds up photo of LaToya ] This is Michael in ’92.. [ holds up photo of Janet ] Here’s Michael in 1988.. [ holds up photo of Keisha Knight Pulliam ] And, finally, here is Michael as a child. [ holds up photo of basketball player ] You know, maybe we telling the truth, actually.. I don’t know. Oh, and also, we have used computer-generated imagery to hypothesize what Michael will look like ten years from now. Okay, check this out. [ holds up photo of sock puppet with eyes ] He looks pretty good!

A Missouri man has been sentenced to five years in jail for stealing Nicolas Cage’s Porsche. Meanwhile, Cage himself roams the streets unpunished for “Captain Corelli’s Mandalin”.

This week, the Pentagon released a $380 billion military budget for this year, that does not include any money for a war with Iraq. According to Pentagon officials, if President Bush wants a war, he’ll just have to get a summer job and pay for it himself.

After Colin Powell’s presentations to the UN Security Council, showing evidence of Iraqi biological weapons, Baghdad called the satellite photos nothing different than “cartoon films”. They were undoubtedly referring to the popular Iraqi cartoon show “Anthrax the Squirrel and the Mobile Laboratory Fun Bunch”.

Actress Lara Flynn Boyle is reportedly vying for the role of Lois Lane in the newest Superman movie. I don’t know, Lara. Her name is “Lois” Lane, not “Fat Ass” Lane. Hit the treadmill, and we’ll talk.

Tina Fey: [ laughing harder than the audience at Jimmy’s joke ] Since “20/20” aired the Michael Jackson interview Thursday night, there’s been an enormous public response. Here commenting for the first time sicne the interview, is Michael Jackson’s father Joseph Jackson.

Joseph Jackson: Hi, Tina. Hi, Jimmy. Thank you for letting me have my say!

Tina Fey: Mr. Jackson, what did you think about Michael’s interview?

Joseph Jackson: It was riduckalous! Tina, people said I was crazy ’cause I named my son Tito! That freaker dude named his kid blanket! What’s he gonna nae his next kid?! Sleeping bag?!

Tina Fey: So, you don’t approve of the way Michael is raising his children?

Joseph Jackson: It’s riduckalous! Those kids got it too easy! They need to get jobs!

Tina Fey: But the oldest one is only five..

Joseph Jackson: Well, boo-hoo! Let me tell you – all my kids had full-time jobs by the time they were five! And if they didn’t like it.. [ whips his belt off of his pants ] ..they could talk to my belt! I still use my belt on all my kids, except for Marlon ’cause he got a bad back! And not LaToya or Michael, ’cause I swear for God those two scare the bejeezus out of me!

Tina Fey: [ laughing ]

Joseph Jackson: Ooh! One time.. I mean, one time, I was sleeping on my own gold-plated La-Z-Boy chair, LaToya and Michael peeped over the headrest at me, and I thought for a minute I was being attacked by glow-in-the-dark vampire bats! I would like to say, I almost crapped my drawers!

Jimmy Fallon: So, so you did crap your drawers, is that what you’re saying?

Joseph Jackson: Don’t you sass me, Jimmy Fallon! Don’t you do it! I’ll put you over my knee and beat you ’til candy come out!

Tina Fey: Well, uh.. thank you for being here, Mr. Jackson. Thank you..

Joseph Jackson: [ angered ] Don’t you tell me when to leave! I will leave when I damn well feel like leaving! [ a beat ] Now, I feel like leaving now. [ looks offscreen ] Jermaine! Get the car!

Tina Fey: Joe Jackson, everybody.

In Kansas this week, over a hundred fish were found dead in the Baker wetlands, and local environmentalists feared that someone may have deliberately killed them. In response, President Bush said that now we have no choice but to go to war with Iraq.

A man named Russell Cialis is suing a drug company to stop them from naming their new impotency drug Sialis. I just hope he has better luck than Doug and Edna Vagisil.

Jimmy Fallon: Nokia announced this week that it will launch a handheld video game system that’s also a cell phone. Too bad I already beat them to it. [ holds up a cell phone taped to a Playstation 2; it rings, and Jimmy holds it to his ear ] Hello? Yes. Oh, okay. [ hangs up ] Apparently, I’m an idiot.

Crunch Gym is offering a new training program called Meet Your Match, which combines exercise classes with singles dating activities. And you thought you already worked hard not to fart during yoga.

Yesterday, in the Nicauraguan capitol of Managua, boxing promoter Don King was given the key to the city. Then, when the citizens of Managua woke up the next morning, they found that the city was gone.

An Austrailian man won the 26th Annual Empire State Building Run-Up Tuesday, taking just nine-and-a-half minutes to run up the 86 floors to the observation deck. Nobody was more suprised than the handyman caught masturbating on the 73rd floor stairwell.

Tina Fey: President Bush recently unveiled his new tax plan, and it’s very, very complicated. To help make sense of it, please welcome, from H&R Block, Patrick & Gunther Kelly.

Patrick Kelly: Hello, everyone. Uh.. the new tax laws for 2003 include a lot of rule changes. There are cuts for the dividend tax, as well as capital gains. It’s very complex.

Gunther Kelly: With the tax season coming up, as a public service, we’ve composed a little song to help the average American learn everything you need to know about the new tax guidelines. It’s educational, and fun.

Patrick Kelly: So pay attemtion, here’s “The Tax Code Song”! Listen carefully!

[ music plays ]

Gunther Kelly: [ singing ]
Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do da do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do do-do-do-do
Uh-oh do-do-do-do da dum!”

Patrick Kelly: [ singing ]
Ahhhhhh-ahhhhhh-ahhhh!
Ahhhhh-ahhhhhhh-ahhhhh…!”

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

U.N. Security Session

Colin Powell…..Darrell Hammond
German Delegate…..Chris Parnell
Translator’s Voice for German Delegate…..Maya Rudolph
French Delegate…..Jimmy Fallon
Chinese Delegate…..Chris Kattan
Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate…..Paula Pell
Iceland Delegate…..Amy Poehler
Russian Delegate…..Rachel Dratch
Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate…..
Chilian Delegate…..Fred Armisen
Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate…..Jim Downey
Syrian Delegate…..Horatio Sanz
Cameroon Delegate…..Dean Edwards

[ open on wide shot of United Nations Security Council, with SUPER: “Special Session United Nations Security Council, February 5th, 2003” ]

[ dissolve to close-up of Colin Powell ]

Colin Powell: Distinguished colleagues, you have now seen the evidence. After twelve long years, the Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein still refuses to honor its obligations under U.N. Security Council Resolution 687, and it is clear that, absent the threat of force, it has no intention.. of ever doing so. The time for delay has passed; it’s time to act. Thank you.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Thank you, Secretary Powell, for a very compelling presentation. After hearing it, no member of this council can doubt the gravity of the situation in Iraq. Clearly, the most important thing right now is to do nothing. And the sooner, the better. Does the delegate from France wish to comment?

[ cut to French Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: I, too, commend Secretary Powell on his program here today. Very enjoyable. And those weapons of mass destruction – so unnecessary. But, to conclude our business here today, my government would like to propose the following: That we adjourn this special session of the security council, and all go to lunch at an extremely expensive restaurant, with the U.N. picking up the tab.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.

[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: It is the position of my government, that the representatives of the fifteen-member nations of the U.N. Security council – and their friends – now go to lunch at Le Grenoui, with the United Nations paying the exorbitant cost. I yield to the delegate from Iceland.

[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Forgive me, but my government would like to point out that the members of the U.N. Security Council always go to Le Grenoui after an emergency session. I propose that we instead go to Less Banas, in the St. Regis Hotel, for our U.N. provided lunch.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: But is Less Banas expensive enough?

[ cut to Iceland Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Iceland Delegate: Definitely. With drinks, appetizer, and tip, the United Nations will not get out of there for less than $300 per person.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Would the delegate from France like a ride to the restaurant in my stretch limosine, that the United Nation provides?

[ cut to French Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for French Delegate: There may not be room. Since the U.N. is paying for it, I wanted to bring my wife and two of my mistresses. Also my son, who is visiting from boarding school, and his mistress. Plus, my drug dealer and his girlfriend, a prostitute.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Oh. Then you probably should go in your own U.N. provided stretch limosine, or, perhaps, two stretch limosines. The Chair recognizes the delegate from China.

[ cut to Chinese Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Chinese Delegate: My government has a proposal. Instead of going in other delegates’ stretch limosines, I suggest that each of us, and each of our guests, go in his own stretch limosine. It will waste more money, and will enable us to tie up midtown traffic more effectively. I yield to the delegate from the Russian federation.

[ cut to Russian Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Russian Delegate: I propose that, when we’re inside having lunch, we double-park our stretch limosines outside. Also, that we leave the engines running, since the U.N. is paying for the gas.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Does the delegate from Chile wish to comment?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But if we double-park our limosines outside the restaurant, won’t our stretch limosines be ticketed?

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Is the delegate from Chile joking?

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: Of course I’m joking!

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: The delegate from Chile had me going there!

Translator’s Voice for Chilian Delegate: But may my government offer a suggestion? When we double-park our U.N.-provided stretch limosines, we should double-park them perpendicular to the other cars, rather than parallel. That way, we can totally shut down 5th Ave. I yield to the delegate from Syria.

[ cut to Syrian Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for Syrian Delegate: In view of our diplomatic immunity.. I would like to propose that, after lunch, we all head to Cartier for an afternoon of shoplifting.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: That is the best idea I’ve heard all day. The Chair recognizes the delegate from Cameroon.

[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]

Cameroon Delegate: [ speaks English ] I ask the Chair: Does our diplomatic immunity cover aggravated kidnapping and arson?

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: No.

[ cut to Cameroon Delegate ]

Cameroon Delegate: [ dejected ] Oh.. Well, my idea won’t work.

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Any other proposals? [ no more proposals come forth ] Well, in my view, this was an extremely productive session. Secretary Powell, your thoughts?

[ cut to Colin Powell, expression of horror on his face due to the vicious scheming of the world delegates ]

[ cut to German Delegate ]

Translator’s Voice for German Delegate: Alright, then. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Anti-War Rally

Protest Leader…..Matthew McConaughey
Gay Protestor #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Gay Protestor #2…..Fred Armisen
Stoned Protestor #1…..Horatio Sanz
Stoned Protestor #2…..Tracy Morgan
Whale Protestor…..Chris Parnell
Pro-Life Protestor #1…..Maya Rudolph
Pro-Life Protestor #2…..Chris Kattan
Confused Protestor…..Amy Poehler
Female Protestor…..Rachel Dratch
Black Protestor…..Dean Edwards

[ open on anti-war rally in front of the Lincoln Memorial ]

Protest Leader: Yeah. We’re here today, on the steps of Lincoln Memorial, to send a message to the war hawks – or, should I say, chicken hawks – right here in Washington, D.C.! For diplomacy.. for.. no.. war.. in Iraq!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: Yeah! That’s right! That’s right! You see, the Bush administration.. must know the reason.. for this protest. We demonstrate for peace! My voice.. your voice.. thousands of voices! Rising up as one!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Gay Protestor #1: [ raising his voice above the cheers ] We’re HERE! We’re QUEER! Get USED to it!

Protest Leader: [ dismayed at the unexpected outburst ] No, no, no, no, no, no, not exactly! But, yes! We are people from all walks of life, who are coming together today for a single purpose, yeah!

Gay Protestor #1: For GAY RIGHTS!

Protest Leader: No. Not gay rights.

Gay Protestor #1: You’re against gay rights?!

Gay Protestor #2: Homophobe!

Protest Leader: That’s not.. that not what I meant. I support gay rights, alright? But today – today, people – we are gathered here to protest the Bush administration’s.. illegal war!

Stoned Protestor #1: [ in another unexpected, perhaps malicious, outburst ] Yeahh!! Drugs should be LEGAL!!

Stoned Protestor #2: Stop the drug war!

Protest Leader: No! Not that war!

Stoned Protestor #2: You know, they use hemp to make rope!

Protest Leader: Yes, I know that! Alright? But that is not what we’re here for today! Alright, we have one purpose today!

Whale Protestor: SAVE THE WHALES!!

Protest Leader: Oh, come on, man! That’s so old school! I don’t even think the whales are in trouble any more!

Whale Protestor: With that attitude, they are!

Protest Leader: Hey! Can everybody sit with me a minute?! Alright?! We are talking about.. Iraq!

Whale Protestor: Don’t send the whales to Iraq!!

Protest Leader: [ with teeth clenched ] Nobody wants to send any whales to Iraq, man! Alright, it’s not about that! It’s about not sending our children into war!

Pro-Life Protestor #1: [ in yet another unexpected and inappropriate outburst ] And the UNBON CHILDREN!! Save the UNBORN CHILDREN!!

Pro-Life Protestor #2: YEAH! Save them for FUTURE WARS!!

Protest Leader: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, listen, listen.. will the pro-lifers please stick to the program! Alright, regardless of what the White says.. we know what this war’s really about. Don’t we? It’s about.. oil.

Whale Protestor: Whale oil??

Protest Leader: No.

Pro-Life Protestor #1: BABY OIL??

Protest Leader: NO!!

Gay Protestor #1: Sex oil!

Protest Leader: [ outraged by all the needless outbursts ] NO!! It’s NOT ?? OIL!!

Confused Protestor: Stop killing our babies for their precious oil!!

Protest Leader: Are you talking about baby whales?!

Whale Protestor: No! I’m the whale guy!

Protest Leader: Oh. Sorry.

Confused Protestor: I was talking about ACTUAL BABIES!!

Protest Leader: Lady.. nobody makes oil out of babies.

Confused Protestor: [ a beat ] ..Realize that now!

Protest Leader: Okay..

Confused Protestor: Just got carried away!

Protest Leader: Okay. Now.. everybody. Can you work with me? Can you work with me? Can we get back on track here?

Female Protestor: Right! We must FEED THE CHILDREN!!

Stoned Protestor #2: YEAHHH!!! Feed ’em to the WHALES!!

Protest Leader: Hey! We need to show our government – and the world – that we’re being united here for one cause! Can we do that?!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: Yes! Yes! A cause for respect for human life everywhere!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: That every man is our brother! That every woman is our sister!

Pro-Life Protestors: Except the SMOKERS!!

Black Protestor: YEAH!! DOWN WITH THE SMOKERS!!

Gay Protestor #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to.. [ thinking ] ..Smokesylvania!

Protest Leader: [ losing control again ] Alright..

Stoned Protestor #2: It’s okay to smoke WEED, though!!

Stoned Protestor #1: Yeahh!! It’s an herb! You can make rope out of it!

Protest Leader: You said that already!

Stoned Protestor #1: [ thinking ] Noooo! [ points to his buddy ] He said it last time!

Protest Leader: You know what.. everybody, just get with me for a second!! Alright, we’re not making rope!! We’re trying to stop a war! We’re trying to keep innocent people out of harm’s way!

Whale Protestor: Then, legalize porn!!

Protest Leader: Sir, it is legal.. okay?

Whale Protestor: Not the kind I like..

Protest Leader: Hey! You can’t just do a big scattershot protest with everyone’s personal agenda like this! Alright? Can we all just.. focus on why we gathered out here today, in front of Lincoln Memorial?!

Pro-Life Protestor #2: FREE LINCOLN!!!

Protest Leader: Free him from WHAT?! His GRAVE?!!

[ the crowd boos angrily, ready to attack the Protest Leader ]

Gay Protestor #1: [ weeping ] You should be sorry about that!

Whale Protestor: What are you joking down Lincoln for?!

Protest Leader: I’m not jumping down Lincoln, okay? My bad! I was out of line! But, people.. please.. can you hear me out? Can you let me say one thing, alright?! Here we go! Stay with me! Our.. elected leaders.. are marching us straight into a war without any consideration for our opinions. Without any consideration for our votes, for our say!

[ the crowd cheers their enthusiasm ]

Protest Leader: That’s right! That’s right! That’s right! Stay with me, stay with me.. Our freedoms are being taken away! And this whole situation with Iraq is to blame for it! So.. come on everybody! What do we say?

Crowd: BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!! BOMB IRAQ!!

Protest Leader: [ disgusted, steps down to leave ] Good luck..

[ fade on the protest crowd, organized again for the wrong reason ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 11

02k: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks

Jarret’s Room

Jarret….Jimmy Fallon
Goby….Horatio Sanz
Dave Wooderson….Matthew McCounaughey
Jeff….Jeff Richards
DJ Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Girls…..Dixie Chicks

[Computer screen beeps. Web cam comes alive with Jarret’s show. Jarret’s dreadlocks are red]

Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire college. Valentine’s Day is a week away and I’m totally ready! Check it out, red hair. By the way, when the directions on your hair dye say “do not use near genitals”, that’s not a suggestion. Don’t learn that the hard way. Ok, now give it up for our house band! DJ Johnathan Feinstein!

[whips camera towards Johnathan, he is dressed like a member of ZZ Top’s, “Legs” plays]

DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Yeah, take it away, Jarret!

Jarret: Dude, just because it’s retro, doesn’t mean it’s cool.

DJ Johnathan Feinstein: Fair enough.

[Jarret whips the camera back on himself]

Jarret: All right. Now please welcome, my best friend and roommate, Goby!

[Goby laughs and holds up a Ballantine’s bottle]

Goby: [singing] You can grow your own weed! Grow your own weed!

Jarret: That Fleetwood Mac?

Goby: I don’t know! It is Cadillac! Happy Ballantine’s Day everybody!

Jarret: Yeah, I get it, I get it…Ballantine’s Day, like Valentine’s Day.

Goby: What’s Valentine’s Day?

Jarret: You got problems, dude. All right, this next guy is like my personal hero. He’s the only guy that’s been a student at Hampshire longer than me and Goby. Please welcome, Dave Wooderson.

[camera whips to the door, spaced out thirty-something hippie enters, DJ Johnathan Feinstein plays “Legs”]

Dave Wooderson: All right, all right, all right.

Jarret: What’s going on, man?

Dave Wooderson: I’ll tell you what, bro’. Throwing a rager up on Schneider’s Hill. We got two ponies of Natty light. Some Bacardi breezers for the ladies. And my buddy Tobey is going to be renting his van by the half hour. Check this, man. He just had shag carpet installed, so its real easy on the knees.

Jarret: So, dude what are you now? You’re like 30?

Dave Wooderson: No, I’m 33 years young, bro’. Me, Jesus Christo and Larry Bird. Heh, heh, heh.

Jarret: For those of you who don’t know, Wooderson here has been going to Hampshire since 1984. We got some pictures to prove it.

[Jarret clicks some keys]

[80’s photo of Wooderson leaning on a car dressed and looking exactly the same]

Dave Wooderson: Oh, check that, man. That’s from my first day at school. We just came from seeing “Teen Wolf”. Boy, you should’ve seen that wolf dance. [90’s photo, the same pose, only difference is Wooderson’s hair and baggy clothes] Oh, right on, man. That’s 91. That was my Vanilla Ice phase. Learned some nice dance moves then.

[Photo of Wooderson surrounded by a mob of people]

Jarret: What’s happening in that one?

Dave Wooderson: Righteous, man. That’s all my roommates over the years, man. Those are 384 good dudes, man. Good times.

Jarret: Cool.

Goby: Ha! ha! Check it out! [holds up the bottle] Read it and weep! Ballantine’s Day! In your face!

Jarret: Dude, Ballantine is—forget it.

[Dumb jock enters]

Jeff: Shut up out there, nerds! I’m trying to work out!

Jarret: Yeah, right. You’re working out, all right. You normally work out naked watching scrambled cable?

Jeff: What? Shut up. Hey, Wooderson. [leaves]

Dave Wooderson: Hey Jeffro.

Jarret: You know Jeff?

Dave Wooderson: Oh yeah, man. That’s my nephew.

Jarret: Oh, that reminds me. We totally found a video Valentine Jeff is gonna send to his girlfriend back home. Gotta see this.

[Jarret clicks some keys, video appears of Jeff shirtless, he has a glittery bow and arrow, angel wings on his back]

Jeff: [sings] You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man, I don’t care how you get here, just get here if you can…

[back to Jarret’s room]

Jarret: What a bonehead!!!

Dave Wooderson:[moved] No, man. He may be a bonehead but you can tell he means it.

Jarret: Yes, I guess so.

Girls: Hey!

[Three cute girls sit around Wooderson]

Jarret: Dude, you got us dates for the party, dude?!

Dave Wooderson: No, man. These chicks are with me. [One girl puts a cigarette in Dave’s mouth] What can I say, friends? There’s nothing sweeter than the life of a 33 year old college sophomore. Tell you what Jarret, Goby, I got to get moving on here so you just all keep living.

Jarret: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. DJ Johnathan Feinstein take us out dude!

[DJ Johnathan spins his guitar, “Sharp dressed man” plays, computer logs off]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts