President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
[ open in the Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: [ holding large check ] I have a check here – that is a big check – made out to the U.S. Taxpayer, for the amount of $1,600, which is the average tax cut for a family of four under my plan. And all I’m asking in return, is you start being cool to me. Ever since I got here, people have had low expectations of the Bushie. I had no idea how low, until I tied my shoe at a press conference, and everyone applauded. I mean, come on, I can tie my own shoe! Most of the people around here are my Dad’s friends, and they don’t trust me. So I’m asking you, America, to be my buddy. I’m giving you $1,600 bucks. Al Gore wouldn’t give you any money – he would bore you with one of his lectures, and give the money to a tree. Not me. I’m giving cash, in exchange for us becoming compadres.
[ Vice-President Dick Cheney enters the Oval Office, and gives Presidnt Bush an unwelcomed look of dissatisfaction ]
Uh-oh. Sorry, Dick. [ laughs to himself ] I’ll, uh.. I’ll go over to my desk.
[ stands up, and moves over to tiny card table next to the President’s desk, complete with Mickey Mouse mug sitting on it ]
I’m gonna wrap this up.. so, let me reiterate. Feel free to come down to the Bush White House – that’s 800 Pennsylvania Avenue – where I trade cash for your approval. Oh, incidentally, we also have a new exchange program, as one fellow found out yesterday, where we trade bullets for guns. [ laughs ] If you bring a gun down here and wave it around, the Secret Service will give you a bullet. A hollow point in the torso or thigh area. Thank you for listening. God bless. And I know y’all think I’m stupid, because it’s Thursday, but, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Jingle: “Backstreet boys Backstreet Boys Sucking all over the place Putting out hits. Yeah, they sound like [ bleep ] They’re even sucking in outer space Backstreet boys, Backstreet boys Suckin’ hard for the human race.”
Mr. Gordon: Go ahead, Brian.
Brian: Testing, one, two-
Mr. Gordon: That’s plenty, Brian.
Brian: Thanks, Mr. Gordon.
Mr. Gordon: Okay, the levels are good. You guys ready to suck?
Brian: You bet, sir.
Kevin: Guys, we have to pick the order of the songs.
Mr. Gordon: Well, how do you wanna suck first? “Back to Your Heart” or “I Want it That Way”?
Brian: Yo! I think we should do a sucky ballad.
A.J.: [ trembling ] Hold on!
Brian: What’s wrong, A.J.?
A.J.: Sucking.. senses.. are tingling.
Howie D.: There’s trouble across town!
[ cut to across town, man getting beat up by a junkie ]
A.J.: There! He’s being beaten by that junkie.
Kevin: And nobody’s helping.
Nick: There’s no time to lose! We better suck!
Backstreet Boys: [ singing ] “I got to have you, baby for as long as you love me, too you know you gotta feel me as long as you love me, too.”
[ Junkie runs off in panic ]
Man: Thank you for your sucking, Backstreet Boys.
Brian: Any time.
John Tesh: You guys rock!
A.J.: Thanks, Mr. Tesh.
[ cut to the Mayor’s Office ]
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Once again, you have sucked above and beyond the call of duty. Your suckery has been a benefit to us all.
Nick: Thanks, Mr. Mayor.
Brian: Yo, and speaking of benefits, we have to go suck for a benefit album. Right, Mr. Goldsley.
Mr. Goldsley: Boys, the best singers in the business are on this album. This might not be the place to suck.
[ cut to the benefit recording of Celebrities For Whatever Is Left ]
Sting: Shall we go over those harmonies, Paul.
Paul Simon: you bet, Sting.
Paul McCartney: let’s do it, Stinglebum.
Together: [ singing ] “We all need to share whatever’s left to do-“
Backstreet Boys: [ interrupting ] As long as you can love me, too..
Sting: Get them out of here, Goldsley.
Paul McCartney: They’re making it all sucky-wuggly, they are.
Mr. Goldsley: I can explain, boys.
John Tesh: Maybe they’ll listen to me.
Mr. Goldsley: John Tesh?
John Tesh: Give them a chance. when I first left “E.T.” for music, I sucked harder than a Hoover. But now look at me – I’m an accepted member of the music community.
Sting: No, he’s not!
Mr. Goldsley: Play along. He’s a loose cannon.
Sting: Alright, jump in.
Everyone: “We all need to care for whatever’s left to do..”
Backstreet Boys: “Baby, you know I need and baby, you know I want-“
Sting: They’re sucking again!
Paul McCartney: It’s horrible.
Paul Simon: Now, look. They’re eating it!
[ sucky Backstreet Boys note eats one of the peace-loving notes ]
Sting: Someone open a window.
Mr. Goldsley: Boys, let’s go.
A.J.: But sucking’s what we do.
Paul Simon: Wait. Look outside, everybody! America’s lapping it up.
[ graphic of America laps up the sucky notes into its mouth ]
A.J.: America loves us.
Mr. Goldley: that’s my boys!
Brian: Thanks, sir.
Jingle: “Backstreet boys backstreet boys Suckin’ hard for the human race.”
Jennifer Lopez: Thank you! You know, somewhere along the way, I picked up the reputation for being a diva. But I ask you, would a diva be seen on stage wearing this? Come on! Would a diva put up with people endlessly talking about her ass? Would a diva let her hair look like this? [ make-up artist touches up her hair ] Thank you. [ back to subject at hand ] So, how did I, Jennifer Lopez, get a reputation for acting like a diva? You know, I mean, it’s not like I have tons of people around me all the time — [ make-up artist touches up her fingernails ] I’m just a girl from the Bronx. And tonight is really special to me. I have my family here – especially, my Mom, whom I owe a lot of my success to. I mean, she’s the one who taught me to do things for myself. [ make-up artist touches up her eyelash ] Thanks, they’ve been sticking together all day. But the most important lesson I learned from my Mom was to be prepared. So, Mom, I want you to know that tonight, I am definitely prepared. [ removes bathrobe to reveal loose-fitting green dress she wore at the Grammys ] Would a diva ever wear Versace? We’ve got a great show – Jennifer Lopez is here as my musical guest! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!
Voice-Over: You just won the Super Bowl, what are you going to do next?
Trent Dilfer: Im going to Disney World
Voice-Over: (as words scroll across screen) The Disney organization wishes to apologize to Super Bowl MVP Ray Lewis, who, because of his conviction for obstruction of justice, was not invited to Disney World in favor of quarterback Trent Dilfer. Disney now acknowledges Trent Dilfer sucks, and wishes to make amends to Ray Lewis with this exciting new home video .
(Show Walt Disney Pictures feature presentation clip)
Voice-Over: Its an all-star cast of Disney favorites and the Super Bowl MVP in Ray of Light
(Ray of Light appears on screen)
Ray Lewis: (singing) Dudes you hanging with have been badDont say nothin to make em madYou can smile, it aint no crimeYou got the number one defense of all time
Voice-Over: With classic Disney Adventures
(shows scene from Bambi where Bambis mother is shot)
Bambi: Keep running, keep running
(gunshot is heard)
(shows Ray Lewis escaping in limo with blood on his jersey)
Ray Lewis: Oh Snap! I didnt see nothing
(shows some scenes from the Lion King)
Voice-Over: Ray Lewis is on the scene with all your Disney favorites
Ray Lewis: I didnt kill no mother f***in lion. I dont know who did it. We need to forget about that Simba s*** and focus on this Pittsburgh game. Okay, I saw a f***in wildebeest do something man.
(shows scene from Pinocchio)
Geppetto: Pinocchio
Voice-Over: With Ravens teammate, Shannon Sharpe
Shannon Sharpe: Yo leave the man alone. This is the best player in football. He didnt take your f***in puppet.
Voice-Over: And songs by Elton John
(shows scene from Lion King)
Elton John: (singing) And squealing on your friendis the hardest part of lifeSo try to focus on footballAnd
Voice-Over: Take Ray Lewis home on video and DVD
(shows scene from The Beauty and the Beast where the Beast gets stabbed)
(shows Ray Lewis escaping in limo aqain)
Ray Lewis: Oh Dip, I didnt see nothin
(Ray of Light appears on screen)
Voice-Over: Disneys Ray of Light Rated R
(shows Ray Lewis on the cliff from Lion King)
Ray Lewis: (singing) I didnt kill no mother f***in lion
Voice-Over: (quickly) Not authorized by Ray Lewis. Puff Daddys Fantasia coming next Christmas.
Ray Lewis: (singing) I didnt see nobody kill no one
Lover: Can I interest anyone in some molasses raisin squares?
Student: Thanks so much, Professor.. I’m really excited to be your Research Assistant.
Professor: Well, you’re going to love this town. The college brings in a lot of entertaining events.
Lover: Last year we saw Marshall Crenshaw in concert.
Professor: Mmm..
Lover: And they just opened a Benetton’s.
Professor: Yes. It’s a very hip town. Would you like to try some more brandy?
Lover: Ooh.. No one knows brandy like my love-ah!
Professor: [ pours her a glass of brandy ] Ahhh.. good food.. fine spirits.. new friends.. what more could we want? Eh, love-ah?
Student: [ uncomfortable ] Boy! It’s, uh, been a really tough winter!
Husband: Brrr!
Student: When will it end?
Lover: I hope it never ends. Falling snow.. the crisp air.. your love-ah’s embrace..
Professor: [ gazes longingly at her ] Sometimes during the night I become scared, and cry out for my love-ah’s touch.. and I become soothed by the hot breath of my love-ah’s whisper..
Student: [ trying to change the subject ] Do you guys have any big plans for the weekend?
Professor: [ laughs ] I think I know what we’re doing this weekend!
Lover: Every Sunday morning, we wake up extra early, before first flight. We creep down the staircase, silent as mice, and then break the silence with the screams of our lovemaking.
Professor: And then we collapse, cover ourselves with woolen shawls and fill our bellies with ham.
Lover: Sunday mornings on top of my love-ah..
Together: Mmmmmmm…. Mmmmm…. Mmmmm….
Professor: As evening falls, we still hunger for our love-ah’s touch, and we make love.. right there in that chair you’re sitting in, Gail. [ Student jumps off chair ]
Lover: My love-ah then lights an evening pipe in satisfaction, his body glistening from eating close to two pounds of ham.
Professor: Please. We’ve been rude hosts. Who else wants to talk about their love-ah?
Student: Uh.. well.. once, when I was holed up working in the library, Mark came and surprised me by serenading outside of the window..
Husband: See, I knew that she would..
Professor: [ interrupting ] I have a story. One day I whisked my love-ah away, to a room at the prestigious Wesley Arms Hotel, bringing along some of my favorite erotic Persian lithographs..
Husband: [ shaking head ] I don’t like where this is going already..
Professor: For three glorious days, I handed my love-ah plump strawberries and smoked duck meat. She purred and giggled under the weight of my thrusting body, her mouth agape with a mixture of pleasure, longing, and duck meat.
Student: [ getting up ] You know.. I think we both need to go..
Husband: Yeah..
Student: ..we need to get up early in the morning..
Professor: [ pleased ] Ohhh.. the love-ahs! Going home to do what love-ahs do.
Student: Uh.. no. Mark is my husband.. I don’t call him “love-ah”..
Lover: Oh.. maybe you should try it. Hmm?
Professor: Yes. Just.. just say “love-ah”.
Student: [ relunctant ] Lover.
Professor: No, no, no.. no, no. “Love-ah”.
Lover: “Love-ah!”
Student: Lover.
Professor: “Love-ah”.
Lover: “Love-ah”.
Professor: “Love-ah”.
Lover: “Love-ah”.
Student: Love-ah!
Professor: Good, good! That’s it! Now, say it one more time. Believe it! Love-ahhh..
Student: Love-ahhhh…
Lover: Good! Now, what do you want to do?
Student: Hmm.. hmm.. [ suddenly spellbound ] I want to.. strip my love-ah naked.. throw him down in a lonely earth.. mount his wet body.. and slowly grind him into the ground with the thrust of our lovemaking..
Husband: [ chugs quick shot of brandy, and pulls his wife out of the room ] Let’s go! Let’s go! Thanks a lot!
Professor: Well.
Lover: Well. We’ve helped a few more love-ahs find their way.
Professor: Yes. Come here, love-ah.. [ grabs her ] Let me hold you in my big strong arms. What say we make love right here in our favorite chair?
Lover: Mmm.. I’d like nothing more.. love-ah.
Professor: [ sits ] Ahhh.. [ she sits onhis lap ] Ow! Ow, my back!
Lover: What? Love-ah, what?
Professor: My back!
Lover: Love-ah?
Professor: Are you DEAF?!! My BACK!! Get the HELL OFF OF ME!!
Jarret: What’s up, everybody? My name’s Jarret, and if you’re logging on for the first time, I do this webcast every day 24/7 from my sweet three-man, here at Hamster College. I’m super psyched today, ’cause I just got my sweet fake ID. So, from now on you can call me Habul Jalarhalo. Anyway, my first guest, as always, is my homey and my roommate, please welcome Gobey.
Gobey: What’s up, bro-bro? [ singing ] “Who let the bongs out?”
Jarret: For you guys who don’t know, Gobey can take any song and make it about bongs. Do another one.
Gobey: [ singing ] “My name is.. what, my name is.. Bong Shady!”
Jarret: Oh, man, do another one!
Gobey: Alright. Ready? [ singing ] “Who let the bongs out?”
Jarret: Okay, they can’t all be winners. Anyway, the Oscars are coming up, so let’s take a look at the nominees. Alright, first category, Best Picture: “Chocolat.”
Gobey: Ah, Choc-o-lot! [ laughs ] That was awesome! Remember when we tried to convince those girls that we were French?
Jarret: Yeah. You were all.. [ mumbles in French ] Gobey! The next nominee: “Traffic.”
Gobey: Dude, that movie was hilarious! There was, like, this dude, and he couldn’t find his car. It was awesome!
Jarret: No, that was “Dude, Where’s My Car?” “Traffic” was the one about the war on drugs.
Gobey: Oh. I never want to fight a war on drugs. It’s hard enough going to school on drugs!
Jarret: The Coolest Movie: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.”
Gobey: Oh, man, it was really hard! There were so many words on the bottom.. But Kung Fu is soft as cream cheese, dude. They’re all like.. [ imimates Kung Fu moves ] We got kicked out of the theater!
[ Amber enters the screen ]
Amber: Hi, Jarret.
Jarret: Amber? Oh, man, I forgot. This is Amber, she’s in my Women’s Study class, which, by the way, has not paid off like I was told. [ to Gobie ] Dude, don’t you have to go do something?
Gobey: No. You said I should stay, remember, until that girl came over that you wanted to- oh, yeaaahhh!! [ jumps up ] I gotta go!
Jarret: What’s up, Amber?
Amber: [ sits ] Hi, everyone. I just.. I wanted to let everyone know that from 3:00 to 3:45 p.m. tomorrow we’ll be making a human chain around the cafeteria in order to protest the university’s ties with the evil Skittles corporation.
Jarret: Really? How many people do you have so far?
Amber: Six. Two confirmed.
Jarret: Two is a good start.
Amber: Yeah, well, the Skittles is a known user of the Green Dye 44.
Jarret: Yeah. Green Dye 44 is bad. [ tries to kiss her ]
Amber: What are you doing?
Jarret: What are.. we doing?
Amber: Gross. Gross.
[ loud music plays in the background, “One Night In Bangkok” ]
Jarret: That’s my other roommate, Daniel. He’s really into the “Chess” soundtrack. The other day I caught him jumping on his bed listening to it. Dude, turn that off! [ music stops ] Daniel’s from Canada. The other day, me and Gobey convinced him that American girls really like it when you wear mesh tank tops and quote lines from Billy Joel songs.
[ Daniel enters the screen, wearing a mesh tank top ]
Daniel: Well, well, well. I didn’t realize we had a guest. You look like you must be an uptown girl. Who’s been living in her white bread world.
Amber: My God.. I love Billy Joel.
Jarret: [ surprised ] You do?
Daniel: Oh, I happen to have a bottle of red and a bottle of white.
Amber: Perhaps a little bottle of rose tonight.
Daniel: Absolutely.
Amber: I love your mesh tank top.
Jarret: You gotta be kidding me, man!
[ Gobey jumps back into the scene ]
Gobey: First off, relax!
Jarret: I’m not even excited.
Gobey: Okay, let’s just say, hypothetically, that I cracked open one of my glow sticks and smoked it.
Jarret: I guess I have to take Gobey to the hospital now.
Gobey: Hypothetically..!
Jarret: Tune in tomorrow when me and Gobey are gonna show you this sweet surveillance tape I got of the guy from Phish eating at Denny’s. Until then, this is Jarret, logging off.
President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As all of you are aware, exactly one week ago, the Chinese government seized, and refused to surrender, a U.S. Navy EP-3 surveillance plan, along with its crew of 24. What followed, was six days of intense round-the-clock negotiations with Chinese officials, in an attempt to resolve this situation. Unfortunately, these efforts were unsuccessful. Finally, early this evening, I made a bold decision to meet with the Chinese president, Jiang Zemin, alone. One on one. No Dick Cheney. No state department officials. No military advisors. No international law specialists. No China scholars. No translators. Just the two of us, face to face, mano-to-mano, and to keep at it until this thing is worked out. And that was the breakthrough. In less than twenty minutes, President Jiang and I signed an agreement, an agreement I’m proud to say that both averts an international crisis and leaves American honor and dignity intact.
Here are its chief points:
#1. The United States government sincerely, profusely, and objectively apologizes to China for this incident. It was entirely our fault, and we did a bad thing.
#2. The Navy aircraft will be returned immediately, following its complete disassembly and examination by North Korean intelligence.
#3. Upon its return to the U.S., the plane will be sold to the government of Libya, with all proceeds going to the Palestine Liberation Organization.
#4. All secret documents found onboard the aircraft will be surrendered to the United States. The Chinese will keep photocopies.
#5. For its pardon, the Chinese government has agreed not to share these photocopies with Iran, Iraq, or other rogue nations. Although sharing photocopies of photocopies is permitted, provided they are readable. I fought hard for that one.
#6. Under no circumstances will photocopies of photocopies of photocopies be allowed.
#7. Our 24 U.S. Navy servicemen and servicewomen, I’m happy to say, are back on American soil. After a reunion with their families, they will be reurned to China, to begin serving their 90-day sentences for espionage at a Chinese labor camp.
#8. Chinese President Jiang Zemin and his wife will have full use of the Bush vacation ranch in Texas, for Memorail Day through Labor Day, with the exception of Fourth of July weekend and two weekends in August. President Bush and Laura Bush will pay for utilities; Mr. Jiang will be responsible for pool maintenance.
#9. General Colin Powell has agreed to resign as Secretary of State, and to surrender his driver’s license and credit cards. On June 1st, he will begin his sentence at a Chinese labor camp.
#10. The Chinese government has agreed to officially designate the first week in August Ed “Too Tall” Jones Appreciation Week.
#11. Yankees outfielder Daryl Strawberry will volunatarily enter a drug treatment facility. Located where? In a Chinese labor camp.
Ana: Hey, Joey! What are we gonna do? Aunt Vickie’s coming over, and the only professional picture we have of little Sheila is horrible and boring!
Joey: [ grabs the hideous picture ] What freakin’ jackass took this picture anyway?!
[ Tony Villone enters the picture ]
Tony Villone: Does an old picture you got not live up to your expectations? Then get a load of this:
[ boring picture of little girl is transformed to within a brandy snifter ]
Ana: Oh, my God! It’s stunning! It makes a whole world of difference!
Tony Villone: Hey, yo, I’m Tony Villone, owner of Lasting Impressions. Through the wizardry of computer technology, I can take any picture you got and stuff it into a brandy snifter. Why not take that extra step to make your favorite pictures pop with class and have top-of-the-line no-joke excellence. Take a look at this:
[ picture of cat shown, then transformed ]
Your favorite cat.. in a brandy snifter!
[ picture of Senior Prom shown, then transformed ]
Senior Prom.. in a brandy snifter!
[ picture of Billy Crystal shown, then transformed ]
Somebody famous.. in a brandy snifter!
[ picture of black baby shown, then transformed ]
A black baby.. in a brandy snifter!
[ Tony holds up portrait ]
And my personal favorite: a brandy snifter.. inside a brandy snifter. Kinda hard to wrap your brain around this one, huh? Just imagine how impressed your relatives will be, once you kick up the class an extra notch or two.
[ doorbell rings ]
Aunt Vickie: Hi! [ enters, hugs family, then notices portrait ] Holy crap! Little Sheila in a brandy snifter! How elegant! You kids really know how to do it up!
Ana: With the help of Lasting Impressions! Thanks, Tony!
Tony Villone: Ay, don’t thank me. Thank my cousin, Ricky, the artist. Come out here, Ricky!
Ricky Villone: [ steps out ] How ya’ doing? I take a great deal of pride and craftsmanship in each and every one of my brandy snifter creations.
Tony Villone: For an extra $14, Ricky can put a rose on top of the brandy snifter. Ain’t that right, Ricky?
Ricky Villone: I can do that!
[ show portrait in a brandy snifter with a rose on top ]
Tony Villone: Hey! How slick is that? It’s gorgeous. Call me, Tony Villone, of Lasting Impressions, for in-your-face elegance – and that’s no joke!
[ Tony and Ricky pose, then appear in a brandy snifter portrait themselves ]
Announcer: Lasting Impressions has closed all of their downtown locations.
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell Molly Ivins…..Renee Zelwegger Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan
Chris Matthews: [ yelling ] Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! Big trouble in little China, our soldiers are back home after the whole ordeal, and everyone stateside’s thinking of Nixon-era paranoia and old-fashioned terror with the Far East! Is this the beginning of a new Cold War! I don’t know why I’m asking you! Nobody watches this show anymore – nobody!! I’m out here asking the tough questions, shouting at powerful officials, in short, playing Hardball! But, apparently, America would rather watch Pat O’Brien interview the cast of “Becker” on “Access Hollywood”! Sheep! Baa-aa-aa-aa! You people are sheep! Here to talk about the China situation: Republican Congressman of Georgia, Bob Barr.
Bob Barr: Chris, thanks for having me..
Chris Matthews: Whoa! Getting a little lippy right off the bat, eh, Barr? Listen to me, Georgia peach, you talk when Matthews says you talk! Also with us: syndicated political humorist, colorful Texan, Molly Ivins.
Molly Ivins: Hello, y’all, nice to be back, Chris!
Chris Matthews: And, finally, former Clinton advisor and ten-year-old girl, Paul Begala!
Paul Begala: [ with wide-eyed smile ] Now, Chris, you know I’m not a ten-year-old girl!
Chris Matthews: Can it, Missy! Molly Ivins, we’re gonna start with you! This is Bush’s first test on an international stage – can he claim victory, or what?!
Molly Ivins: [ laughing ] Oh, I don’t think so, Chris! There’s an old saying down here in Texas: “Bobcats can eat all the chili it wants, don’t mean he’s gonna crap diamonds.”
Chris Matthews: I got no idea what that means! Bob Barr, Bush eventually did apologize to President Jiang, how are conservatives taking this!
Bob Barr: Well.. some of us less compassionate conservatives think Bush wasn’t nearly tough enough. We should have gone on the offensive. The Chinese were upset that their jet collided with one of our planes? Well, I wonder how they would have felt if one of our bombs had collided with one of their chopstick factories?
Chris Matthews: Whoa! [ laughs ] Not bad, Barr! Bomb the Chinese! Hey, you’re a lunatic, but you had some freakin’ Hardball!
Bob Barr: Well, Bush blew it! We didn’t need that plane back. What this country needs is months of diplomatic tension followed by a protractive land war in China. We had our chance, and we lost it!
Paul Begala: Can I say something here, Chris? The Cold War is over! This administration has been using outdated policies to justify their own agenda..
Chris Matthews: Zip it, Kermit! Go back to Fraggle Rock! Let the grown-ups talk about politics! Molly Ivins, are relations with China strained forever!
Molly Ivins: Well, Chris.. you know the old Texas proverb about square-dancing on a hot griddle!
Chris Matthews: No I don’t!
Molly Ivins: Well, you can’t do it unless you’re wearing special heat-proof grill-dancing shoes! Think about it, Chris!
Chris Matthews: Whoa, Ivins! There’s a fine line between down-home folksy and freakin’ nuts! Bob Barr, are we ever gonna get the plane back! What’s Bush’s next move!
Bob Barr: Well, I’ll tell you what it should be, Chris. Two words: poisonous snakes! We’ve got more than we need over here – I say load ’em up, airlift them over to Beijing, and just let ’em go! It’s time to put our poisonous snakes to work fighting the Chinese! Pretty soon, it’s “No more snakie! We give you plane back!” Then a quick strike against Russia, we drive on East Berlin, Bush appoints me king of Austria-Hungary, and everyone’s happy!
Chris Matthews: What about it, Paul Begala! Should we send in an army of snakes to fight Chinese citizens and invade Moscow!
Paul Begala: [ over banner: “Paul Begala, Very Small Penis” ] Chris, that is ludicrous! Bill Clinton’s foreign policy was much, much closer to China. This is not 1951. [ banner chages to: “Paul Begala, Has To Sit Down To Pee” ] Bush has to understand that the.. [ notices Chris laughing at banner ] Hey, come on, I can see that! [ laughs ]
Molly Ivins: Chris, can I just say one more thing?
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Molly Ivins: If a coyote’s chewing on your boot, you better cowboy Alamo six-shooter tumbleweed rodeo moustache wax, partner!
Chris Matthews: Good God, woman, what the hell are you talking about!! If anyone’s watching this show, steer clear of Molly Ivins! I want to thank my guests tonight! Bob Barr, final thoughts!
Bob Barr: Chris, there’s a billion Chinese. And if we’re gonna wipe ’em off the Earth, we need about eleven more children per couple to catch up. So, America, get humping!
Chris Matthews: Barr, you’re loud, obnoxious and completely dismissive of other people’s opinions – I love you, you’re great! Molly Ivins, check into a mental ward!
Molly Ivins: Sloo-be-dee, Chris! Zerkum one come grizzly!
Chris Matthews: Yikes! Finally, Paul Begala, you lab experiment gone wrong – do you have anything left to say or yourself?
Paul Begala: Chris, next time..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begala: ..I come back..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begala: ..I’m gonna have to ask that you..
Chris Matthews: Whoa-oa!
Paul Begala: ..keep the insults to a minimum..
Chris Matthews: Shut up! You’re dull, and you look like a defective Pez dispenser! Stick around, I’m gonna watch a videotape of myself and shout at it! You’re watching “Hardball”!
[ EXT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT ]
[ INT. MORRIS COUNTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSROOM NIGHT ]
[ STUDENTS are settling in as TEACHER is in the front. ]
Teacher: Alright, class! Welcome to Introduction for Lighting for Black & White Photography. Now, one of the most difficult subject to light is the nude human body. Which is why tonight, we are going to be using a live artist model. Unfortunately, the person I usually use couldnt make it, but we do have a replacement. His name is Terrance Maddox. Terrance? You can come in now.
[ ENTER TERRANCE MADDOX ]
Terrance Maddox: Thank you. No applause. Just money, please. Just
[ Maddox vomits hard. ]
Terrance Maddox: Its all right! My bad.
Student #1: Omigod!
Student #2: Gross!
Terrance Maddox: Dont worry — that wasnt food.
Student #3: This is awful.
Terrance Maddox: I repeat — this is not food. There is no need to worry.
Teacher: Mr. Maddox, if youre not feeling well, you can just go home.
Terrance Maddox: Are you kidding? The show must go on!
[ Maddox disrobes. ]
Terrance Maddox: And Oh Mama!, look what we got here under the big top tonight!
[ Maddox flaunts his gentiles to the room. ]
Terrance Maddox: Baby cried the day the circus came to town!
Teacher: Alright, Mr. Maddox! Please take your seat!
Terrance Maddox: Now, Im leaking in a couple of spots,! So work with me, people!
[ Maya Rudolph cant contain her laughter. The rest of the class watches unfazed. ]
Teacher: Now class, remember that shadow is one of the most important elements when shooting in Black & White.
Terrance Maddox: Hey, hey, that reminds me!
Teacher: Of what!?
Terrance Maddox: Whats black, white, and red all over?
Teacher: A newspaper. I dont know.
Terrance Maddox: This thing!
[ Maddox shows off a portion of his foot, but its blocked by Student #1s head. ]
Terrance Maddox: I dont know what it is either! Help me! Somebody please help me!
[ SEBASTIAN CLAY, a robed, mustached man of no trust, ENTERS. ]
Sebastian Clay: Perhaps I can be of some assistance?
Terrance Maddox: Sebastian Clay!
[ INTENSE MUSIC ]
[ The two vagrants stare each other down. Clay partially disrobes. ]
[ CLOSE-UP OF MADDOXs GUT JIGGLE-WAVING ]
[ CLOSE-UP OF CLAYs GUT JIGGLE-WAVING ]
Sebastian Clay: Well, it looks as if the agency has double-booked this session. Well no matter! I suppose we shall proceed with two models — that is if youre up to the challenge, Maddox!
Terrance Maddox: Bring it on, Clay!
Teacher: I take it you two know each other?
Sebastian Clay: Oh, we see each other around the circuit: dumpsters, police line-ups, snuff film auditions — you know – the circuit! First time I laid eyes on Terrance Maddox, he was giving a handjob to Darrell Hammond outside a blood bank in St. Paul! What can I say? The kid had chops! It was then I knew I met my match!
Terrance Maddox: They call Clay here, The Gentleman Ghost.
Teacher: Why is that? Are you some sophisticated thief?
Sebastian Clay: Far from it. No, Im called The Gentleman Ghost because I like to get it on with dead dudes!
[ The class reacts in pure disgust. ]
Terrance Maddox: Hey! I did it with a chicken once!
Sebastian Clay: Nice try, Maddox! But a little too desperate.
[ Clay opens an Army satchel and pulls out a martini mixer. ]
Sebastian Clay: I say our reunion here calls for a cocktail.
[ Clay pulls out a wine glass from the satchel and pours himself a glass. ]
Student #3: Excuse me, whats happening? Is this even a class anymore?
Teacher: Mr. Clay, since youre here, we may as well use two models. But please, no drinks.
Sebastian Clay: Oh, please! I insist
Teacher: Okay.
[ The teacher takes the glass and a sip. ]
Teacher: Thats delicious! What is it?
Sebastian Clay: Thats my own recipe: two parts vermouth and one part my semen.
[ The teacher promptly spits out the beverage. ]
Terrance Maddox: Ill give it a try! Cmon!
[Clay takes the glass away from the teacher and hands it to Maddox, who takes a sip. ]
Sebastian Clay: How was it?
Terrance Maddox: Youve outdone yourself!
Teacher: That is it! Thats it! I want both of you out of my classroom now!
Terrance Maddox: Not until we settle this!
Sebastian Clay: Youre not suggesting
Terrance Maddox: Thats right — a POSE-OFF!
Sebastian Clay: VERY WELL! A POSE-OFF IT IS! Have at, thy!
Terrance Maddox: I call this one, Sunday in the Park with my Appendectomy Scar.
[ Maddox eagle-spreads his torso. The class winces. ]
Sebastian Clay: This is something I call, One Ball for Sister Sara.
[ Clay showcases his crotch. ]
Teacher: All right! Okay! That is enough!!! I WANT BOTH OF YOU OUT OF HERE AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU AT THIS COMMUNITY COLLEGE AGAIN!
[ Both men cry. Clay cups his hand over Maddoxs mouth as hes about to vomit. ]
Teacher: Okay, okay! You can both stay. Im sorry. All right – just stop it!
[ Maddox puts his robe on. ]
Terrance Maddox: I know when Im not needed.
Sebastian Clay: Indeed!
Terrance Maddox: Youre not half-bad, Clay.
Sebastian Clay: Nor are you, Maddox. If youll excuse us
Terrance Maddox: But before we go, we got something to say now I may not know anything about lighting of the perfect human form, but I do know something about forming the perfect human poop! Which is what Ill be doing seconds from now on the hoods of your fine peoples cars!
