Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1


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00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Grand Master Rap…..Jerry Minor
Kid Shazaam……Horatio Sanz
…..Eminem

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “WeekendUpdate with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. And when we get together..

Together: It’s news.

Before Tuesday’s presidential debate, a coin toss was used to determine whichcandidate would speak first. When Governor Bush was asked to call it in theair, he yelled: “It’s a quarter!”

This Sunday, the Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia came to a close, with theUnited States winning 97 medals, the most of any country. So, suck on that,Portugal!

Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have each given $100,000 to the ScreenActors Guild to assist out-of-work actors. In a related story, actor ArsenioHall would like to thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey.

After a week of violent protests in Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic finallystepped down and conceded defeat in the presidential election. Milosevic saidhe plans to relax and spend time with his family before being strung up ona meathook in the center of Belgrade.

During Tuesday’s debate, Al Gore made a point of correctly pronouncingMilosevic’s name, and that of his opponent, Vojislav Kostunica and notingthat Yugoslavia is made up of Serbia and Montenegro. Meanwhile, George W.Bush knew his own name and that a sandwich is made up of “bread plus someother stuff.”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what did you think of the debates?

Jimmy Fallon: Fantastic.

Tina Fey: What did you think was the “defining” moment?

Jimmy Fallon: Med.. Medicare..?

Tina Fey: Medicare?

Jimmy Fallon: Mmm-hmm..

Tina Fey: Did you.. did you watch the debates?

Jimmy Fallon: I watched “Dark Angel”.

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: I tried to watch the debates, it was so boring! Theyjust stand there, you didn’t tell me that.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, we talked about how we were both going to watch the debates!

Jimmy Fallon: You want to debate about “Dark Angel”?

97-year-old Senator Strom Thurmand – who was hospitalized last week afterfainting in a restaurant – is reportedly back on his feet, and was even seenout and about with his new lady friend.
[ show doctored photo of Thurmond with Anna Nicole Smith ]

Tina Fey: If there’s one thing that both Republicans andDemocrats can agree on, it’s that there’s too much sex and violence comingout of Hollywood. Here to shed some light on this ongoing battlebetween Washington and Hollywood, a man well-versed in the ways of love,Leon Phelps, the Ladies Man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Thank you. What is happenin’? Thank you, Colin..[ notices Tina there instead ] Oo-ooh! It’s a lady, yeah! Now,that is what I call sexy. But I digress. My fellow Americans, Iam here today to dispute the charge that movies have too much sex. Now, I’vealways thought that saying “too much sex” is like saying “too much Christmas.”But, Hollywood isn’t built on sex, it’s built on romance. Was the magicbetween Bogart and Bacall just about sex? Or Richard Burton and Liz Taylor?Was it just about sex when Ron Jeremy bent Traci Lords over the hood of a..

Tina Fey: [ breaking in ] Yes, it was.

Leon Phelps: Well.. I, for one, thought it was beautiful.. Butmaybe I’m just old-fashioned. You see, Tina, I can remember when a movieonly cost a quarter.. and then, after a few minutes, you could see moreof the movie for another quarter. You know what? That sounds pretty goodright about now! Say, Tina, how about you and I grab a roll of quartersand go see 6 or 7 movies?

Tina Fey: You want me to go see a porno with you?

Leon Phelps: You see, Tina, that’s what I’m talking about. One man’sporno is another man’s “Sleepless in Seattle”. Which reminds me, if youhaven’t seen it do yourself a party and see “Ass Party.”

Tina Fey: Wait a minute. Why does “Sleepless in Seattle” remindyou of a movie called “Ass Party”?

Leon Phelps: Well, basically, everything reminds me of “Ass Party”..You see, what I’m saying is that Washington has no business telling Americawhat’s too sexy. You see, if that was the case, then I, Leon Phelps,would be illegal, instead of just “wanted for questioning” in severalstates. You know, I think everyone in Washington, all over America, in fact,should just relax, enjoy some Couversier, and take in a sexy movie.

Tina Fey: So you’re advising people to go out and see a sexy movie?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes, Tina, but not right this minute.. but maybe next weekend, October 13th, maybe..? [ holds up poster to his movie ] That’s right.. yes, America, it is your responsibility to go out October 13th and see a movie – a very funny movie – a movie Entertainment Weekly called..

Tina Fey: Come on, Tim! Is that the only reason you came back this week is to plug your movie!

Tim Meadows: [ breaking character ] No, Tina, I didn’t. I came to see my friends.. I miss this place. I had a great time here. And I’d also like to say that I’m one of the stars of “The Michael Richards Show”, premiering on NBC in two weeks..!

Tina Fey: Get out of here! Tim Meadows, everybody!

Two Wisconsin brothers, ages 74 and 80, were arrested this week after agentsconfiscated more than half a million dollars in pot on their property. Whendiscovered in their home, the brothers were found laughing their asses offwatching an episode of “Matlock.”

This week, the Vatican apologized for a recent Church document that callednon-Christian religions “gravely deficient”. Said a Vatican spokesman, “Whilewe believe that other religions are deficient, and that their paganfollowers will burn in hell, we certainly never meant to write it down.”

Jimmy Fallon: Coming up on “Weekend Update Health Watch”: Is there asimple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent diabetes? No.. no, thereisn’t.

Tina Fey: Yeah, I didn’t think so.

In New York this week, Spike Lee premiered his new film “Bamboozled”, whichfeatures actors in blackface. Or, as John Rocker calls it: “The feel goodmovie of the year.”

Jimmy Fallon: And now, it’s time for “Women’s News”.

Tina Fey: Thank you, Jimmy. As a mother of two, which I am not, Iworry about the lack of positive role models for today’s young girls. Forexample, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore thisskimpy outfit at MTV’s Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfitinappropriate and say it’s just another example of Hollywood sexualizingyoung girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney’s ass looks good. Lookat that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through ahole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonnablow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it withfine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it’s gone. And, as for whetheror not those are breast implants are not.. Britney was on our show last year,I worked with her.. and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.

Jimmy Fallon: What did you say? you said they “felt real”?

Tina Fey: No.

This week “The Beatles Anthology”, a 368-page history of the band’s career,was released, giving fans the group’s own take on their rise to success. And,as an added bonus, if fans read the book backwards it says, “We’re justtrying to help out Ringo.”

This week Pat Robertson reportedly invited Joe Lieberman to address theChristian Coalition, but the date he chose was Rosh Hashana, one of theholiest days in the Jewish religious calendar. Robertson apologized, sayingthat he meant no disrespect to the Jewish faith and tried to make it up toLieberman by sending him a two-pound Honey-Baked ham.

Jimmy Fallon: And now in part two of looking into violence in themedia, the music industry, and the controversy over expicit lyrics andviolent content. To help shed light on this matter, here are two of myfavorite old school rappers, the masters of hip-hop, please welcome GrandMaster Rap and Kid Shazaam.

Grand Master Rap: Yeah!

Kid Shazaam: Dig it!

Grand Master Rap: Yeah, how ya doin’, homeboy?

Jimmy Fallon: Pretty good.

Kid Shazaam: Whoa, now, don’t forget Miss Tina down there, uh huh!

Grand Master Rap: She sure is fly, ain’t she?

Kid Shazaam: Super-duper fly!

Grand Master Rap: Word! Word!

Kid Shazaam: Word up!

Grand Master Rap: Word up!

Jimmy Fallon: Now, you were there at the beginning of rap.. so, youtell me, why do you think there’s so much violence in hip-hop today?

Kid Shazaam: That’s a good question, Jimmy Fallon. These rappers today like M&Ms, talking about abusing women and violence and all kind of nonsense.

Grand Master Rap: When we were rappers, we talked about good stuff,like putting your hands in the air.

Kid Shazaam: [ starting their rap ]
“And waving ’em, like you just don’t care!”

Grand Master Rap: “If you believe that you are great
Somebody say, “Oh yeah!”
Kid Shazaam: “Oh yeah!”

Grand Master Rap: “Oh yeah!”

Kid Shazaam: “Everybody in the house say, yeah!”

Together: “Rap rap ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!
If you believe that you are great
Rip rop ribbity do!:

Grand Master Rap: That was fresh!

Kid Shazaam: Word!

Grand Master Rap: Yo, man.

Kid Shazaam: Okay.

Grand Master Rap: How’s that for hard-core rap, Jimmy Fallon?
Jimmy Fallon: [ disturbed ] How old are you guys?

Grand Master Rap: I’m 54.

Kid Shazaam: I’ll be 63 in December.

Jimmy Fallon: My grandfather’s 63!

Grand Master Rap: We told you we started hip-hops! Back in 1972!

Kid Shazaam: We are dangerous, we’re on the street, man. In 1984,I was ticketed for operating a roasted nut stand without a license.

Grand Master Rap: Whew!

Kid Shazaam: That’s dangerous!

Grand Master Rap: Let me tell ya, anytime you youngsters wannabattle us old-timers, than bring it on!

Kid Shazaam: Bring it on!

[ Eminem steps up ]

Grand Master Rap: Hey, hey!

Kid Shazaam: You wanna battle us, punk?

Eminem: No, no. Grand Master Rap, Kid Shazaam. I was thinking, youguys started it all. And, maybe I should clean up my act, and start rappingabout throwing my hands in the air.

Grand Master Rap: That’s right.

Together: Hit it! Here we go…

“Cause we’ll…
Rap you up
We’ll rap you down
We’ll let our lyrics beat you down
Cause we’ll do it, do it, do it
Rap rap rap
Rop rop rop
A-rap rap, ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!”
Grand Master Rap: “Grand Master Rap!”
Kid Shazaam: “Kid Shazaam!”
Together: “Rip rop, ribbity doo! “
Eminem: “Well, I’m Eminem
And I’m here to say
I like to rap in the old-school way
I said, rap rap
Ribbity rap rap
Rip rop ribbity do!”
Jimmy Fallon: Grandmaster Rap, Kid Shazaam, and Eminem, everybody!I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow. [ to Jimmy ] We’re set, baby!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Pros & Cons

Nancy Grace…..Ana Gasteyer
Mark Fassbinder…..Chris Parnell
Shaggy…..Rob Lowe

Nancy Grace: Welcome back to “Pros & Cons”. I’m Nancy Grace. Today: what happens when ordinary citizens take the laws into their own hands? Is it justice in a world of corrupt law enforcement, or simply anarchy? Here to discuss the issue, live from Raiford State Prison in Florida, are my first guests – David Montgomery, and his attorney Mark Fassbinder.

[ show David and Mark sitting glumly in a jail cell ]

Mark Fassbinder: Thank you, Nancy.

Nancy Grace: On the surface, Mr. Montgomery’s crime seems all too familiar – a desperate man, down on his luck, discovers a broken-down amusement park is built on top of some pirate treasure.. so he tries to scare people away from it by dressing up like a ghost. An old, old story. But this time, there is a bizarre twist. His “alleged” crime was discovered by a group of amateur detectives. Two of them are here with me now. Please welcome Scooby Doo, and his associate Warren “Shaggy” Shagowski.

[ cut to a creepy, night setting with Rob Lowe dressed as Shaggy and a hideous puppet version of Scooby Doo at his side ]

Shaggy: Like, wow! We’re thrilled to be here!

Nancy Grace: Mr. Shagowski, Mr. Doo.. we’ll start with you. What made you decide to take the law into your own hands?

Shaggy: Well, one day, me and Scoob and the gang, we’re sittingaround the malt shop, when we decided the law’s gone soft on all thedirtbags who get their jollies dressing up as apemen or glowing deep sea divers!

Scooby Doo: Yeah. Dirtbags! Hee-hee hee-hee-hee-hee!

Mark Fassbinder: Well, that’s if Mr. Shaggowski can pass himselfoff as a “champion” of law and order. But the truth is that this man and his dog – not to mention, another member of their gang – a smaller, scrappier dog – all have an extensive criminal record!

Scooby Doo: That’s a rie!

Mark Fassbinder: I have the evidence right here, Mr. Doo! Priorconvinctions include 4 counts of meddling, 12 counts of meddling in thesecond degree, 2 counts of vehicular meddling, meddling across state lines, and last, but certainly not least, sodomy! I’m sorry.. I misread that.. it’s “meddling”, I apologize.

Shaggy: Well, zoinks! Honestly! Zoinks you in the ass! We’re the ones putting our gonads on the line! We’re the ones dressing up as Italian barbers, pretending to give fake monsters haircuts!

Mark Fassbinder: It’s all an act, Nancy! He’d have us believe that he puts himself at risk! That sometimes he’s so scared, he tries to run away, and can only float in mid-air running in place. But the truth is that he and his friends actively go out looking for trouble!

Shaggy: Like, we’re not asking to get flat tires outside of spooky castles, man! It just happens!

Mark Fassbinder: Please! You’re a degenerate! You know, Nancy, I once saw this man take two stacks of coldcuts, shuffle them like a deck of cards, then ate the entire thing!

Shaggy: Like, look.. the sentences handed out to fake ghosts andwerewolves are far too lenient!

Nancy Grace: Well, what would you suggest is appropriatepunishment?

Scooby Doo: Reath renalty!

Nancy Grace: You’re honestly advocating the reath renalty? Wow.Strong words. Strong, poorly pronounced words from a large dog.

Shaggy: Hey, lady! Like, I thought this was America? I don’t want to live in a country where four hippies and a talking dog can’t have the freedom to catch fake ghosts with the occasional help of Phyllis Diller or the Harlem Globetrotters! That’s my America! And while you may not agree with my opinion, you’re not gonna change it!

Mark Fassbinder: [ touched ] Wow. Like, zoinks, I.. I didn’t knowyou felt that way.. But.. would you consider compromising yourethics.. [ reaches down ] ..for a Scooby Snack? [ holds up box ]

Shaggy: [ excited ] Like, wow! A Scooby Snack!

Scooby Doo: Yeah! Yeah! Hee-hee hee-hee-hee-hee!

Nancy Grace: That’s about all the time we have. Please join us next week when we examine the conflict of victims’ rights in the theft of pic-a-nic baskets.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

Goodnights

…..Rob Lowe
…..Brendan Fraser

Rob Lowe: Thanks to Eminem.. Ralph Nader.. Brendan Fraser! Dido! And Tim Meadows! God bless you. I love you, Matthew and John Owen!

Brendan Fraser: [ cups his hands and screams: ] “Bedazzled”!! October 20th!! “Bedazzled”!! October 20th!!

[ Tim Meadows holds up a sign that reads: “Ralph Nader, Madison Square Garden, October 13th, www.votenarder.com” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Homocil

Dad #1…..Will Ferrell
Mom…..Ana Gasteyer
Dad #2…..Chris Parnell
Dad #3…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: Do you suffer from inexplicable anxiety?

Are you confused and upset?

Do you have an overwhelming feeling that you’ve done something wrong?

[ dissolve into flashback of Boy #1 twirling a baton in an empty gym ]

Boy #1: Hi, Dad! This is called a Double Susie!

Announcer: You can’t control whatever he is or isn’t. But you can control how it affects you. Homocil can provide relief for parental anxiety disorder. Homocil can help.

[ show Boy #2 running effeminately with a volleyball at a school gym]

Boy #2: Hi, Mommy!

[ Mom waves back weakly, her eyes to the floor in shame ]

Announcer: If you’re obsessed about things you can’t change.. If you are unable to cope with unforeseen developments..

[ Dad #2 opens Boy #3’s bedroom, to find his son holding up a sparkly tank top ]

Boy #3: Look what I made! Isn’t it fabulous!

[ Dad #2 closes door and breaks down in a sobbing mess in the hallway ]

Announcer: If you avoid prolonged contact with your children, due to these overwhelming anxieties..

[ Boy #4 enters living room wearing apron, holding out a platter of food ]

Boy #4: Who wants crème brûlée?

[ Dad #3 grabs the bottle of Homocil pills and chugs it down. He chases the pills with a bottle of Budweiser.]

Announcer: When taken regularly, Homocil dramatically decreases parental anxiety.

[ shows boys playing basketball; cuts to Boy #4 performing as a male cheerleader amongst female cheerleaders ]

[ cut to Dad in the crowd smiling painfully and near-catatonic, giving a forced thumbs-up to his kid ]

Announcer: Homocil. Until you come around.

[ show Mom hugging Boy #2 ]

Because it’s your problem. Not theirs.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas

Joan Rivers…..Ana Gasteyer
Farrah Fawcett…..Chris Kattan
Pooja Baranji…..Rachel Dratch
Anna Nicole Smith…..Molly Shannon
Gayle King…..Maya Rudolph
Chyna…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: In the past three years, Eve Ensler’s hit play, “The Vagina Monologues”, has been performed all over the world by a rotating cast of hundreds of actresses, raising more than two million dollars for women’s charities. Now you can enjoy a show that’s kind of like that.

[ show’s title appears on screen ]

“Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas”. Performed by a collection of the most talented women never asked to do “The Vagina Monologues”. You’ll see Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers: Owww! My vagina! The last time I went near my vagina, bats flew out! Can we talk? My vagina is so old, I could file it for a special at the gynecologist! Owww! Vaginas! Owww!

Announcer: “Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas” was not written by Eve Ensler. It is not for charity. These are just some ladies talking about their g-g’s to make a little cash.

Stars like Farrah Fawcett.

Farrah Fawcett: [ confused ] Y’all, my vagina.. what? [ looks off, then looks at heself, shocked ] My vagina is on medication.

Announcer: Indian film star Pooja Baranji.

Pooja Baranji: [ banging drum ] Green bajina, blue bajina, yellow bajina, purple bajina, ayyy-ayyy-ayyy-ayyy-ayy-ayyyyyi!

Announcer: You’ll see Anna Nicole Smith.

Anna Nicole Smith: I love my vagina, y’all, ’cause my vagina makes money, y’all! You know it! [ giggles ] It makes money!

[ SUPER: “NOT The Vagina Molologues” ]

Announcer: Once again, this is not Eve Ensler’s writing. This isn’t women’s libber stuff. Just world famous ladies talking about their genitals.

Including a very, very special appearance by Oprah Winfrey…’s friend Gayle.

Gayle King: Oprah’s vagina is a beautiful tiger lily. Oprah’s vagina is an inspiration to other vaginas. I have never seen it, but I imagine that it looks like sweet potato pie, and the future.

Announcer: And, World Wrestling Federation star Chyna.

Chyna: My vagina is powerful. My vagina gives me confidence when I feel it bunched up between my legs. I love my long, bony vagina.

[ other women look at Chyna strangely ]

Announcer: Look out, “Vagina Monologues”. There’s a new game in town. “Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas”. Hundreds of thousands of tickets still available.

Submitted by:Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Sean Hayes’ Monologue

…..Sean Hayes
Fan…..Michael Schur

Sean Hayes: Thank you! Thank you very much! That’s very nice of you. Show’s over – thank you!

Uh.. I’m so excited to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. It’s been a dream of mine, since I was, like, 12. And that’s when I first thought about what I would do when I finally got out here – which is, play the piano. Now, some of you may not know that I am a classically trained pianist. So I thought I’d like to perform a piece that’s probably very familair to a lot of you. I played it at my 7th grade recital, which I won a blue ribbon for. Thank you! So.. here goes.

[ sits at piano, starts to play what appears to be “Beetoven’s Fifth” ]

[ SNL Band breaks in to shift the music to Walter Murphy’s disco classic “A Fifth of Beetoven”; Sean stands up and boogies, alternating between finishing his piece and mingling with the audience. ]

[ Sean jumps on top of the piano and spins around ]

[ Sean shaves himself with an electric razor ]

[ Sean holds up a solved Rubik’s Cube ]

[ Sean signs autograph and poses with Fan ]

[ cell phone rings; Sean answers ]

Hello? Oh, hi! no, I’m not busy. Yeah, I’m just doing “Saturdy Night Live”. No, no, it’s live. Yeah, I’m on right now. No, turn on your TV. Yeah. No, no, Channel 4. Yeah, that’s me! Hey, yeah! Alright, you seeing it? Yeah, okay, great! Okay. Okay. Alright. Okay. Okee-doke. Okay. Alright. Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Yeah, I gotta go. Okay, bye bye.

[ finishes playing “A Fifth of Beetoven” on the piano ]

Thank you! We have a great show for you tonight – Shaggy is in the house, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 17

00q: Renee Zelwegger / Eve

Jerry Maguire II

Tom Cruise….Jimmy Fallon
Johnathan Lipnicki….Horatio Sanz
….Renee Zelwegger
Cameron Crowe….Chris Parnell
Wardrobe gay guy….Chris Kattan
A.D….Rachel Dratch

[Opens with an up-close shot of the back of a jacket. It says: “Jerry Maguire II. Show me the sequel”. It’s the back of director Cameron Crowe’s jacket on set with Tom And Renee]

Cameron Crowe: Great to have everybody back. We’ve been talking about making this sequel to “Jerry Macguire” for 5 years now and we’re finally here. So, Tom and Renee, I love you guys.

Renee Zelwegger: I love you too, Cameron.

Tom Cruise: It’s amazing! Such an honor! [smiles, overexcited] Who’s glad we’re working for the Crowbar?!

[applause from the crew]

Cameron Crowe: Thank you, guys. All right, let’s start with scene 21A. Renee, you’re upset cause Jerry’s come home late again and you’re trying to work this out without waking up your little boy.

Renee Zelwegger: All right, yes, yes, yes, good. I’m ready, I’m ready. Standing or—

Cameron Crowe:: Go ahead and take a seat, yeah.

[Renee and Tom sit on a couch]

A.D.: “Jerry Macguire II” Scene 21A, take one. [clack!]

Cameron Crowe:: And action!

[romantic scene plays]

Renee Zelwegger: Ok, wait, wait, ok. I’ve always been afraid to swim but then I met you and since then no matter how deep or rough the water got, I knew that I would reach out for you and you’d pull me to shore. But now Jerry, I feel like I’m drowning in you.

Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.

Cameron Crowe:: That’s your cue, Johnathan! Johnathan?

[Child actor Johnathan Lipnicki is big and fat as hell, has a juice box]

Jonathan Lipnicki: Did you know that babies come out of “paginas”?

Renee Zelwegger: Ray, daddy’s home, Ray. Daddy’s home.

Johnathan Lipnicki: To stay?

Tom Cruise: You had me at “paginas”.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!

[jumps on top of Renee and Tom crushing them]

Renee Zelwegger: Oh!

Tom Cruise: Ow!

Cameron Crowe:: Cut, cut. You guys ok?

Tom Cruise: It’s just the kid, um, he’s really grown!

Renee Zelwegger: Yeah, he’s a little bit heavier than I remember. [Johnathan gets off of them] Oh, God. Oh!

Johnathan Lipnicki: My mom says I’m a good eater.

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, let’s go again from Johnathan’s cue right away.

A.D.: Scene 21A, take two. [clack!]

Cameron Crowe:: Action.

Renee Zelwegger: All right, um, but now Jerry I feel like I’m drowning on you.

Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know the human body has seven holes? [pointing his face] One, two, three, four…

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, that’s not your line, Johnathan.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Unless you’re a lady, then you have eight.

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, just say your line again. You ok, Tom?

Tom Cruise: Crowbar, you had me at action.

Renee Zelwegger: Oh, good Lord.

Cameron Crowe:: All right, go Johnathan.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know that babies come out of “paginas”?

Renee Zelwegger: Ray, daddy’s home, daddy’s home.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!

[climbs on top of Renee and Tom almost crushing them]

Tom Cruise: Watch it there, Ray.

Renee Zelwegger: [labored from Johnathan’s weight] I want you to know that even if me and Jerry fight, we’ll always be a family and —wait, wait–Oh, god! Get him off me! Get off! Get off! Get him off me!

Cameron Crowe:: What’s up?

Renee Zelwegger: That. [points at Johnathan erection] That is up.

Johnathan Lipnicki: [hiding the boner] My mom says “orections” are as natural as the rainstorms. I’m going through a rainy season. [laughs]

Renee Zelwegger: Ew, ew. That’s, that’s…yuck.

Tom Cruise: Crowbar, can I say one thing? [Johnathan towers over tiny Tom, plays with Tom] I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes here but does it bother you that the kid is a lot taller and bigger than me? L. Ron Hubbard all mighty! This kid is huge!

Cameron Crowe:: Wardrobe![a tired gay guy comes out] Um, is–is there anything we can do to make Johnathan look smaller?

Wardrobe gay guy: Ugh! I’ll try. [Johnathan wants to play, gay guy swats him away, they leave]

Cameron Crowe:: Ok, this is the take you guys. I can feel it.

Renee Zelwegger: Ok, good. Yes, yes, I hope so. [smells her hands] Does he smell like bacon?

Tom Cruise: A little bit.

Cameron Crowe:: From your cue Tom, and action!

Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.

[enters Johnathan with a giant juice box and gigantic glasses on his face]

Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know that a lady’s booby weighs two pounds?

Renee Zelwegger: Ok, uh, Ray, daddy’s home.

Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!

[throws on top of Renee and Tom crushing them]

Tom Cruise: All right. Ok, all right. Ok, all right.

Renee Zelwegger: [labored] I want you to know Ray that even if me and Jerry fight, that we’re always gonna love you. [Johnathan snores loud] Aw, he’s asleep.

Tom Cruise: Let’s put him to bed and then I’m gonna complete you.

Renee Zelwegger: Yeah, let’s go upstairs and make a little Jerry Macguire II. Come on.

[Tom and Renee are trapped underneath Johnathan’s weight, he keeps snoring]

Renee Zelwegger: All right.

Tom Cruise: Hey, you know what? [trying to escape the crush]

Renee Zelwegger: Hey, Cameron? [pinned down] This isn’t, this isn’t working.

Tom Cruise: Can we get the jaws of life in here?

Cameron Crowe:: Come on, it’s not that bad.

[Johnathan farts like a mule. Pfffffffffffffffffttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!]

Tom Cruise: All right! That’s a wrap! That’s a wrap!

[shoves Johnathan to the floor]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Jeffrey’s

Customer #1…..Chris Kattan
Clerk #2…..Jimmy Fallon
Clerk #1…..Sean Hayes
Customer #2…..Molly Shannon
Burly Customer…..Horatio Sanz
Supervisor…..Will Ferrell

Customer #1: Hi, excuse me, do you guys carry any Diesel brand jeans?

Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Ah, yeah.. we also carry Hootie and the Blowfish albums. Shall I wrap one up in a backwards baseball cap for you with a tape of the “Cheers” finale?

Clerk #1: Or you can try them in that time machine over there. Why don’t you set it for 1994?

Customer #1: Come on man – Diesel’s hip.

Clerk #1: Yeah – a hip that should be replaced. Let me guess: you wear Quicksilver swimming trunks.

Customer #1: Yeah, I do. What.. they’re cool.

Clerk #2: Yeah. Look, we don’t carry Diesel. We work at Jeffrey’s. We read Italian Vogue. It’s our deal. I don’t come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand.

Customer #1: Wait.. what? What does that mean?

Clerk #1: What it means is, we want you to be outside of our little invisa square. [ does shape of a square around themsleves ]

Customer #1: Okay, fine. Thank you very much.

[ Customer #2 enters ]

Customer #2: Hi, um.. I’m looking for a sweater for my boyfriend.

Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Really. Well, if you want it to match your outfit, then I suggest you try a Hallmark store.

Clerk #1: That way you can pick up that “Hang In There” poster you’ve been dying to get.

Clerk #2: Air five!

Customer #2: What are you talking about? I just said that I’m willing to spend $300 on a sweater.

Clerk #1: $300? Wow, so your check came in from being on Springer.

Customer #2: Very funny. I’ll go somewhere else then.

Clerk #2: You could drop five.

Customer #2: What? That is so rude of you!

Clerk #1: What’s rude is that Jean Nate’ body splash you are trying to pass off as perfume.

Customer #2: I am not wearing Geana Tai. Okay?

Clerk #1: Look, this isn’t Pack and Save. This is Jefferey’s.

Clerk #2: We don’t have a sweater for your boyfriend unless he’s dating you as some of some art peformance project, or something.

Clerk #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to Kansas, fry some bologna, and adjust the cinderblocks on your house. Okay?

Clerk #2: Okay?

Clerk #1: Now, shoo!

Clerk #2: Shoo!

[ Burly Customer enters ]

Clerk #1: Ugh.. too bad they don’t have personal velvet ropes that you can put or wrap around yourself.

Clerk #2: Seriously.

Burly Customer: Hey, could you help me?

Clerk #1: [ sighs ] No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: Come on, I was just looking for, like..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: But, I just..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: But I..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: But..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No.

Burly Customer: Bu-..

Clerk #1: No.

Clerk #2: No. Look, we work at Jeffrey’s. I have Morrocan dental floss that’s more expensive then your entire wardrobe.

Burly Customer: What? This is a genuine leather Looney Tunes jacket!

Clerk #1: Hmm. I didn’t know Joey Buttafuaco had a garage sale. You might want to check back at Christmastime, when we donate clothes to the homeless.

Clerk #2: See you then.

Burly Customer: Well, maybe I’ll donate an insult to you bad dudes.

Clerk #1: Yeah, I’m sure that’s a devastating comeback in the break room at Circuit City.

Clerk #2: And I’m sure you got a meetball sub or something to finish in your El Camino.

Burly Customer: For your informacion, guy, I have a half-eaten taco in my Turcele. So held ya! [ exits ]

Clerk #1: It has been a nightmare today!

Clerk #2: Thank you!

Clerk #1: They should have never have added that door! The store was so much clearer when it had no entrance.

Clerk #2: I wish people could be more like clothes.

[ Supervisor enters on a motorized wheelchair ]

Supervisor: Okay, you guys.. [ cell phone rings; he pulls out a tiny cell phone ] Hold on. Hello? Yes. Really. Splendid. [ hangs up ] We’re going to the Dolce & Gabbana show. How fast can you have your bags packed for Milan?

Clerk #2: I got my Jack Spade bag packed already!

Clerk #1: My Paul Smith tote’s saying au revior.

Supervisor: More than perfect. Allows us to engage the Concord then.

Clerk #2: I wish they had something higher then first class.

Clerk #1: Please.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Action News 4 Morning Report

Natalie Grossbeak…..Ana Gasteyer
Mike DeFranco…..Chris Kattan
Pete Simmons…..Sean Hayes
Paramedic #1…..Chris Parnell
Paramedic #2…..Jerry Minor
Clown #1…..Will Ferrell
Clown #2…..Horatio Sanz

Natalie Grossbeak: Good morning, it’s 8:28 on this Monday morning. Coming up in the next half-hour, we’ve got more on the Governor’s proposed tax on Asian folks.

Mike DeFranco: And all the latest on the Ivan Lendl/Bob Denver sex scandal.

Natalie Grossbeak: Now, let’s take a look at the traffic situation for you morning commuters.

Mike DeFranco: We have word there’s an accident on the 495. On the scene is our own Pete Simmons. Pete, how’s that accident looking?

[ cut to Pete Simmons, on the scene ]

Pete Simmons: Abaolute chaos. The four northbound lanes of 495 are blocked – they expect the rubbernecking to go the other way. DMTs are on their way to the scene, where apparently a tractor-trailer collided with a clown car. Expect delays of at least an hour. Back to you.

Natalie Grossbeak: Thanks, Pete, we’ll be checking back in with.. what kind of car?

Pete Simmons: It’s a clown car, Natalie, and there are heavy casualties.

[ camera pans to show the orange overturned clown car, with numerous clowns lying on the ground ]

Natalie Grossbeak: Okay, Pete, let’s stay with this story.. any idea how many are injured at the scene?

Pete Simmons: Well, a good seven or eight clowns were thrown clear of this wrecker.. but it is a clown car! So there’s no telling just how many of those goofy bastards are trapped inside!

Clown #1: [ screaming ] He-elp! I can’t feel my leg!

Mike DeFranco: Dear God! What was a clown car doing on the freeway?

Pete Simmons: Being hilarious! But seriously, Mike – they were doing about 85 miles per hour in the right lane when.. wait a minute! The ambulances and rescue teams have arrived! It looks like they’ve pulled 19 clowns from the wreckage.. no! 20! 21 clowns. Let’s hope they can move quickly – 22.. 23 clowns.. How do they all fit in that little car! We may never know!

Natalie Grossbeak: Pete, any word yet whether any of those in the car were sad clowns?

Pete Simmons: I’m gonna have to be honest with you, Natalie, right now they’re all pretty much sad clowns.

Natalie Grossbeak: Point taken. Point taken.

Pete Simmons: Uh-oh, Natalie.. it seems there are complications with the rescue efforts.. yes.. yes.. the rescue workers are, in fact, laughing hysterically.

[ show clowns making rescue workers laugh ]

Mike DeFranco: Pete, how can anyone be laughing in this sort of a situation?

Pete Simmons: Well, Mike, even a burnt clown is pretty damn funny. And it certainly doesn’t help that the truck they slammed into was carrying a shipment of Big Mouth Billy Basses. [ camera shows the singing fishes in the street ]

Mike DeFranco: [ laughs ] No, it doesn’t help!

Natalie Grossbeak: If you’re just joining us, a tiny car packed with clowns has viciously collided with a truckful of singing mechanical fish.

Mike DeFranco: An all-too-familiar story. More on that as it develops. Next up: Ivan Lendl and Bob Denver are..

Natalie Grossbeak: I’m sorry, Mike.. I’m getting word there are breaking developments in the clown accident. Pete, what’s going on out there?

Mike DeFranco: I trust it’s good news!

Pete Simmons: You’d think, Mike, it would be, but it’s not. Just a moment ago, another vehicle jumped the median and plowed into the wreck. I think the other vehicle was.. yes.. it’s a busload of prison inmates.

[ inamtes rush into the scene ]

Natalie Grossbeak: Pete, are the inmates helping the situation?

Pete Simmons: Uh, no, they’re not, Natalie. In fact, I don’t think you want to know what they’re doing to those clowns.

Mike DeFranco: Helping them?

Pete Simmons: Uh, I already said no, Mike.. uh.. no, not at all. In fact, it’s clear these inmates haven’t seen women in a long time. And, while these burnt clowns are male, there’s a lot of bright clothing and make-up involved, so you can pretty much just fill in the blanks there! Back to you, guys.

Natalie Grossbeak: Thanks, Pete. It seems like the situation is stabilizing.

Mike DeFranco: Jury selection continues in the Lendl/Denver trial. As everyone knows, Ivan Lendl amd Bob Denver were secretly videotaped..

Natalie Grossbeak: Sorry, Mike. We’re going back to Pete Simmons with more developments on the accident on 495. Pete?

Pete Simmons: Very quickly. A van blew a tire, spilled a load of guns and PCP all over the accident site. [ camera shows the clowns and inmates running around with guns ] To recap: uh.. prisoners, clowns, guns, narcotics, burning gasoline, singing fish. Gonna be at least a 45-minute wait for you commuters. Back to you in the newsroom.

Mike DeFranco: Thank you, Pete.

Natalie Grossbeak: And we have to take a commercial break. When we come back, we’ll take you live to the 10th Annual Fun Run for Breast Cancer, where the winners are approaching the finish line, right there on.. uh.. 495..

[ show the women racers colliding with gun-toting criminals and clowns ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Fashion Week 2001

Adrian Dante…..Sean Hayes
Sally O’Malley…..Moly Shannon

[ Outside shot of a one story building in New York City. The caption at the bottom reads: Fashion Week 2001 New York City. CUT TO: Inside, where two models are posing in beige outfits on a catwalk, in front of a sign that reads: Adrian Dante. SEAN rides in between the two women on a scooter. He is wearing a baret, a blond wig, a brown scarf, a green and brown sweater, and matching brown pants. The models step aside to let him pass. He rides to the end of the catwalk and lets his scooter fly off the end. People are gathered around the stage, some taking pictures. Runway music is playing. ]

Adrian Dante: [ speaking with a German accent ] Who is Adrian Dante? Dante…Dante…In my collection tonight, I’ve try to combine the movement and fire of a Jackson Pollock painting with the warmth and curvature of Arohaho. May these designs touch you as much as I touch myself. Because that indeed would be one lucky collection. Love Adrian Dante. [ blows kiss ] Whoops, that’s for me. [ ‘grabs’ kiss back ]

[ SEAN walks out stage left very oddly as the music starts up and the lights dim. The two models leave with him and another more enters stage right in a similar beige outfit. She walks the catwalk, then turns and exits stage left. As she does, another model enters in a beige outfit, does the same routine, and exits. Now MOLLY SHANNON as Sally O’Malley enters. She’s wearing a red stretch top and pants, sneakers, and has on a curly dark brown wig. She looks at the audience as she tugs on her pants. SEAN enters stage left, hands on hips. ]

Adrian Dante: Who are you and why are you hijacking my show?

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m fifty years old, I’m not one of those gals who likes to hide her age. And I like to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Fifty years old, ladies and gentlemen, fifty years old! Fifty years old!

Adrian Dante: I’m sorry, I thought this was the Adrian Dante show, not “The Price is Right”.

Sally O’Malley: If you shut that little fly catcher of yours, I’ll tell you why I’m here.

Adrian Dante: And I’ll tell you five reasons why you shouldn’t be here: chin, boobs, hips, hair, and can.

[ flashbulbs start going off ]

Adrian Dante: [ stepping in front of MOLLY with his arms out ] Please do not take pictures of her, this is not part of my collection.

Sally O’Malley: Ah, put your arms down. [ pushes SEAN’s arms down and moves him out of the way ] Now listen here, I’m here to take back the runway for all the regular gals out there. All right? So watch out you guys, ’cause here comes the house of O’Malley.

Adrian Dante: Oh, dear sweet Budda.

[ MOLLY starts to walk down the catwalk as the music picks up faintly in the background ]

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, this one I like to call the ‘Easy Rider’. [ makes riding motions with her hands ] You slip it on Monday and ride it ’til the end of the week thanks to a touch of Febreeze. [ There is a shot of SEAN’s face, looking ticked off. MOLLY pulls up her pants again, looks back at SEAN, then looks like she’s about to laugh ]

Adrian Dante: Why am I being haunted by the ghost of Lee Mary Wether?

Sally O’Malley: And my favourite feature is the panty panel… [ indicates to her panty line ] …that let you get to the basement without going through the front door. All this in an attractive two-piece that allows me to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Half a century, soldiers, half a century!

[ SEAN walks up to her ]

Adrian Dante: I should-

[ stops because of applause ]

Sally O’Malley: Fifty years old. [ holds up hands, the right one in the shape of a zero, and the left one wide open, representing five ]

Adrian Dante: I should call security, but you are so mother-humping odd I can’t keep my eyes off you.

Sally O’Malley: Maybe that’s because I’m a choo-choo Charlie and a [ turns in a circle ] class act.

Adrian Dante: You’re either mentally ill or you’re going to make a big splash in the fashion industry. I am curious to know whether you can gallop with my thoroughbreads.

Sally O’Malley: I was born to strut, Dante.

Adrian Dante: Well, I’ll give you one shot, let’s see if your cat can still walk.

Sally O’Malley: I’ll show you that.

[ MOLLY runs backstage and SEAN addresses the audience ]

Adrian Dante: And now back to the all new world of Spring and Summer with Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante.

[ SEAN exits stage left and the music picks up and the lights dim. Two models in beige outfits walk out and pose at the end of the catwalk, followed by MOLLY. They have the name Adrian on their butts. MOLLY walks between the two and poses at the end. ]

Sally O’Malley: This little lovely number features a lovely little camel toe. [ pulls up pants ]

[ SEAN enters from off stage ]

Sally O’Malley: Easy riding. Easy ride.

[ SEAN claps his hands ]

Adrian Dante: Bravo, bravo.

Sally O’Malley: Camel toe, hike the pants up. Comfortable fit, for stretching. [ MOLLY raises her right leg and puts her foot on a man in the audience’s head to stretch ] Stretching, stretching… [ MOLLY bends over, using the man’s head for balance ] …stretching, see the pants fit. It ain’t never hurt nobody. [ rests her foot on another audience member’s head to stretch ] I’ll stretch it there.

Adrian Dante: Bravo, that was just fascinating, but you’re getting geezer dust all over my collection. Please get off my catwalk.

Sally O’Malley: Listen mister, who you callin’ a geezer, huh? I may have a few rings around my trunk, but at least I’m not trying to cover ’em up like you.

Adrian Dante: What’s your point?

Sally O’Malley: My point is I think that you should stop trying to make everyone perfect, especially yourself. And you should start by losing your grandson’s cap there… [ indicates to SEAN’s beret ] …and take it off… [ MOLLY’s takes the hat and tosses it to the audience. It is revealed that SEAN is bald, with a bad combover ] …and let your cueball breathe!

Adrian Dante: My combover!

[ SEAN looks down in embarassment ]

Sally O’Malley: And by the way, you don’t need… [ MOLLY lifts SEAN’s shirt up ] …this little man-girdle either! Take that off!

[ MOLLY removes the girdle and tosses it into the audience ]

Sally O’Malley: Here ya go!

Adrian Dante: I haven’t exhaled in eighteen years! Mama, that felt good!

Sally O’Malley: Let it all hang out, honey! See, how good it feels?

Adrian Dante: I like to scratch! [ scratches ] Belch! [ belches ] And scratch! I’m sixty!

Sally O’Malley: Listen, stick with me Dante! [ a piano starts to play ] We’re gonna knock the fashion world on their bony little butts! ‘Cause we know how to…

[ blue lights come on and music starts, along with the piano ]

Sally O’Malley: [ singing ] Assentuate the positive!

[ Models in versions of MOLLY’s outfit begin to walk out from backstage ]

Both: [ singing ] Illiminate the negative!

Sally O’Malley: Hang on..

Both: To the informative!
But don’t mess with Mister in-between!

Sally O’Malley: You gotta spread joy
to the maximum.

Both: Bring gloom
down to the minimum.
Have faith
and pandamonium
liable to walk upon the sea!

Sally O’Malley: [ speaking ] I’m fifty! [ kicks ]

Adrian Dante: [ speaking ] I’m sixty! [ kicks, then acts as if he pulled something ]

[ The picture of MOLLY smiling and kicking and SEAN in pain freezes and becomes the cover of a Vogue, with the headline: Dante and O’Malley: ‘Geezer Chic’ . ]

[ END ]

Submitted by: The Unofficial Jack & Karen Site

SNL Transcripts