Spokesman…..Chris Parnell Classical Music Singers…..Ana Gasteyer, Horatio Sanz, Will Ferrell, Maya Rudolph
Spokesman: Music’s greatest classical masterpieces are a treasure. Isn’t it a shame you can’t sing along with them? Well, now you can. Because Classical Music Classics has gathered all the greatest classical compositions of all time, and made them even better with the addition of random lyrics.
Classical Music Singers: “Hey, man, I think you’re awesome You’re relaly, really awesome You’re awesome We should ha-ang out!”
Spokesman: That was that the Primaveri passage of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, now known as “The Awesome Song”. At last, the lushness of Vivaldi meets the indescribably wonder of things being awesome! Yes, classical music just got beautifuler, thanks to the wondrous new lyrics of the renowned Teddy Hollimer. This remarkable young man has a hole in his face from huffing paint thinner, and his dad owns our company. That’s why you’ll get classics like this one, from Tchaikovsky.
Classical Music Singers: “Dude, we gots to get sme Taco Bell I’m really jonesing for a Maxi-Melt. Four Chalupas for a dollar-ninety-nine With any soft drink for a limited time!”
Spokesman: Absolutely timeless. It’s just as the great Ludvig von Beetoven said, “Music is never truly music, until somebody mentions Mexican food.” Beetover was truly a master, composing his brilliant 9th despite the fact that he was completely deaf. I’ll bet anything, he loved to masturbate.
Classical Music Singers: “I called in sick to work so I could stay home and stro-oke it. I stroked it so raw it hurts just to put on a pair of pants. Holy crap, someone’s at the door got to eject this porno tape..”
Spokesman: Ahhh.. well, they’re not all good. But they’re all in one wonderful collection. Classics like: Debussy’s “Clair de Lune” (The “Put Your Thumb In It” Song); Mozart’s “Piano Concerto No. 20″ (The Let’s Get The Dog High” Song); Handel’s “Water Music” (“Oh My God! They Killed Kenny!”); Muzorgksy’s “Pictures at na Exhibition” (The “Lyle Alzado Is Awesome” Song); Schubert’s “Ava Maria” (The “Lorena Bobbitt Rap”); and that breathtaking master work, Strauss’s “Thus Spake Zarathrusta”:
Classical Music Singers: “He Who Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It..!”
Spokesman: Ahh.. the world’s greatest music. Made greater by a spoiled drug addict. Order now!
Announcer: Classical Music Classics. Just $19.99, plus shipping and handling.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Kid From “Billy Elliot”…..Sean Hayes
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
The Pentagon announced yesterday that U.S. and British planes have struck Iraqi defense sites south of Baghdad. Defense officials say that President Bush wanted to send a clear message to the Iraqi government, that he knows exactly where Iraq is.
New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani is once again expressing outrage at an art exhibit, this time at a painting in which Jesus is depicted as a naked woman. Said the mayor, “This trash is not the sort of thing I want to look at when I go to the museum with my mistress.”
Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off 60 workers. At a brief press conference, a spokesman for the company stated, “Sixty! 65 workers! Ah ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ah!” News of the firings was brought to the employees by the letters “F” and “U”.
Researchers reported Wednesday that they have developed a self-healing plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The new plastic will change the way airplanes are built, and the way medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
Earlier this week, doctors in Taiwan were called in to remove a Nokia cellphone from a woman’s rectum. Don’t you hate those a-holes who are always on the cellphone? Everytime the phone rings, she blames it on the dog! Quick review of the new Nokia cellphone – it stinks!
Rapper Eminem pled guilty in a Michigan court this week to weapons charges, and could get up to five years in prison. Meaning that the next time Eminem raps about homosexuality, he’ll be able to reference specific names and experiences.
Jimmy Fallon: And now, a Weekend Update Inside Joke. Hey, did you hear what Beth got Phil Hymes for his birthday? A bib to wear on Coffee Cake Fridays! Right, Wally? [ laughs ] This has been a Weekend Update Inside Joke.
The California district attorney who brought child molestation charges against Michael Jackson in 1993 said the case can be reopened at any time. Prosecutors are still confident that they can convict Jackson, since the child described his assailant as “a noseless, white woman.”
Jimmy Fallon: Now, here to comment on this year’s Academy Award nominations, is the Kid From “Billy Elliot”.
Kid From “Billy Elliot”: Thank you, Jimmy! Well, this week the Oscar nominations came out, and I think they’re all a lot of crap! I didn’t get nominated for Best Actor, even though I danced ballet thoughout my whole film! I’d like to see Russell Crowe dance ballet! That fat kiwi. And Tom Hanks! That bastard needs another Oscar like I need another phone call from Elton John! And how about some of those other jokers, huh? Ed Harris in “Pollock”? No one saw Pollack! Ed Harris didn’t even see “Pollack”! And Geoffrey Rush and Javier Bardem! Forgive me, I didn’t see your movie! I was too tied up in my 14 months of intensive ballet and acting training! I worked with a different dialect coach for six months, just to have the Academy snub me! Oh, they make me so mad, I could just.. I could.. [ starts beating on desk ]
[ Music Over: “A Town Called Malice”, The Jam ]
Jimmy Fallon: Dance! Dance, Billy! The Kid From Billy Elliot! Dance! Dance! Dance, my boy! Dance, my boy! Dance! Go get ’em!
[ “Billy” dances off the set ]
Tina Fey: “The Kid From Billy Elliot”. Uh.. we thank you for joining us, and sharing your feelings. Thank you, “Kid From Billy Elliot”..
Jimmy Fallon: [ grabs paper ] Wait a sec, Tina, hold on.. this just in. The Boy From Billy Elliot is still mad.
[ show “The Kid From Billy Elliot” dancing angrily through the back halls of the studio ]
[ punches Chris Kattan and Maya Rudolph in the face ]
Maya Rudolph: Dance, Billy!
Chris Kattan: Dance!
[ Billy dances through other parts of the hall ]
Kid From “Billy Elliot”: I hate you, America! I hope you have the most boring actors EVER!!
[ dances through set of hall doors ]
Jimmy Fallon: Kid From “Billy Elliot”, everyone! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Denise Rich…..Ana Gasteyer Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan Arlen Specter…..Chris Parnell
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”. I’m Chris Matthews. A nuclear submarine slices through a Japanese fishing boat like cream corn trough a goose. Bush orders allied planes to give Baghdad a beat-down. I’m gonna tell you what, no one gives a flying frig! ‘Cause when you get right down to it, the Clinton scandal machine keeps running along, next stop, Harlem, and it wouldn’t matter if Bush did a line of coke along the Loch Ness monster’s ass! We’d all still be talking about what Clinton thought of “The Wedding Planner”. Morons, you’re all morons! With me today, the current belle of the post-Clinton epoch, Denise Rich.
Denise Rich: Hello, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Also joining us from Washington, former Clinton advisor Paul Begala.
Paul Begala: Thanks for having me…
Chris Matthews: Zip it, Begala! It’s not Equal Time, it’s Hardball! Miss Rich, we’re gonna start with you. Did you and your husband, Marc Rich, pay off the Clintons in exchange for a presidential pardon or what?
Denise Rich: Chris, as I have stated, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights concerning all questions on this matter.
Chris Matthews: Come on, lady! Fifth Amendment? That’s just rich people talk for “I’m guilty”. It’s not gonna fool anyone here at “Hardball”.
Denise Rich: Chris, the only things we have given to the Clintons are love and support, a saxophone, and millions of dollars. Is that a big deal?
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it? Denise Rich insists she didn’t break the rules, but more importantly, shouldn’t someone who wears that much makeup be a better liar?
Paul Begala: Absolutely, Chris. There’s no story here.
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: The Bush administration…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: …is simply substituting an…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: ..anti-Clinton witch hunt…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: …for their actual agenda.
Chris Matthews: Blah, blah, blah, you’re done! You’re boring and you look like a fetus! Joining us now from Pennsylvania is Senator Arlen Specter. Senator, you recently suggested impeaching President Clinton; isn’t that a little extreme?
Arlen Specter: I didn’t say we should impeach Mr. Clinton. The Constitution gives us a number of options: We could impeach him, he could be censored – uh, censured, or according to Article Three, we could also tie his hands behind his back and have Roger Clemens fire a fastball at his face.
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it, should the U.S. government hire major leaguers to whip baseballs at the ex-president? And please, phrase your answer in the form of a shout.
Paul Begala: President Clinton has done nothing wrong, and I fail to see why…
Chris Matthews: (makes snoring noises) Specter, wake up! Shouldn’t Clinton’s punishment fit his crime?
Arlen Specter: Uh, again, at this point, I merely want to our investigate legal options. For instancee, under the Articles of Confederation, we may have the authority to take President Clinton to a deserted island and hunt him for sport. If he survives, he’s acquitted. If we bag him, we get to cook him in a large pot and eat him. Now. I’m not saying we’re going to do this. I’m just saying, Strom Thurmond has an island.
Chris Matthews: Denise Rich, the next question’s for you: exactly how much money does it cost to look that cheap?
Denise Rich: Once again, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, you chesire cat-faced cretin, should Clinton be hunted like a dog on Strom Thurmond’s island or what?
Paul Begala: Chris, you really don’t expect me to answer that.
Chris Matthews: You’re a virgin, aren’t you, Begala? Come on.
Paul Begala: That’s really none of your business.
Arlen Specter: Can I say something here, Chris? Scottish common law says that we have the option to shrink President Clinton to the size of a field mouse and then force him to fight spiders for our amusement. Are we going to do this? Probably. All I’m saying, Strom Thurmond has a shrinking ray.
Chris Matthews: Ho-ho! Now we’re playing some freakin’ Hardball! I wanna thank my guests. Denise Rich, anything left to say?
Denise Rich: I must invoke my Fifth Amendment…
Chris Matthews: Boo! Senator Specter, good luck eating the President.
Arlen Specter: Or shrinking him, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Okay, right. Paul Begala, once again, I tore you a new one. Let’s check the scoreboard: Matthews 17, Begala 2! Stick around, I’m going outside to shout at cars! You’re watching “Hardball”!
(Fade in from commercial bumper to Tom standing on home base by a grandfather clock)
Tom: (to somebody off camera) Probably. Oh are we on the air? Right now?
(cues SNL Band to start playing a tune similar to “Rock Around the Clock”)
(a lighted sign that says ROCK drops from the ceiling)
Tom: (singing) “Oh when the clock strikes one, two, and three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”
(Will Ferell enters and sings along)
Tom & Will: “We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight We’re gonna rock rock rock till broad daylight We’re gonna rock gonna rock around the clock (tonight) the clock
Oh the clock strikes four, five, and seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.”
(they start circling the clock)
Tom & Will: “We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight We’re gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight.”
Tom: Everyone stand up!!!
(JUMP sign comes down)
Tom & Will: (still singing) “We’re gonna jump, jump, jump!”
Tom: Everybody jump!!!
Tom & Will: “We’re gonna jump jump jump around the clock Gonna jump, jump, jump, jumpy jump around the clock tonight Jump, Jump.”
(Tom falls onto the clock)
Will Ferrell: “Jump and rock and jump!!!”
(Tom starts destroying the clock)
Will Ferrell: “And jump and rock and rock and jump.”
Sully: Alright, hey, what’s up! I’m Pat Sullivan, I’m here with my boy, Tommy, in front of Cumberland Farms. We’re making a video for our Criminal Justice class, to show how frighteningly easy it is for minors to purchase alcohol in the greater Boston area. As I speak, my girl Denise is currently within, attempting to acquire a couple of tall boys. And if she succeeds, mark my words, I will be forced to confiscate the evidence and turn it in to the proper authorities – my mouth! [ Denise walks out of the store ] Hey, any luck?
Denise: Shot down. Apparently, the clerk was able to discern that I am not one Evelyn Chang. [ shows fake ID ]
Sully: Ah, you’re Evelyn Chang to me.
Denise: You are so queer!
Sully: You are!
[ they make out, until interrupted by Eric Pearson ]
Eric Pearson: Alright, freeze! Freeze! You’re under arrest for public display of a boner!
Denise: Oh, my God!
Sully: The answer to our prayers!
Denise: Mr. Eric Pearson! Confirmed hottie, former right wing for the varsity hockey team, and, although he’s 26, no stranger to our high school social circles.
Eric Pearson: Yeah! Hey, Tommy, your fly’s open! [ Tommy’s camera moves down to look ] Ha ha! Sucker!
Sully: Good one, bra! Eric is top-notch people. One time he stole a zamboni and drove it to the prom!
Denise: There’s always a pary at his house, ’cause his dad works nights and his mom’s totally deaf!
Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! And, not to brag, but I’m currently AWOL from the Coast Guard!
Sully: He is my idol! Second only to.. [ turns around to show his jersey ] Nomar!
Eric Pearson: Nomar! [ shows his t-shirt ] Nomar, we are praying for your wrist.
Sully: Godspeed. [ they all sign the cross ]
Denise: Yeah! Sully knows the heartbreak of a wrist injury, ’cause we broke up for a week, and he nearly gave himself carpal tunnel!
Sully: Shut up!
Denise: You shut up!
[ they make out ]
Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! Welcome to tonight’s episode of “Temptation Parking Lot”!
Denise: Oh, my God! Eric, are you going up to Ash’s Hill?
Eric Pearson: Yeah! Squeezebox said Hodey and Weezer were taking a keg out to Baker Hill!
Sully: No, sir – cancelled to the Storm of the Century!
Denise: Yeah! Hats off to meteorologist Bruce Schwaggler – you are as moron!
Sully: You are!
[ they make out ]
Eric Pearson: Alright, kiddie porn! Take a breather!
Sully: [ serious ] Eric.. will you buy us beer?
Eric Pearson: Ah.. I would if I could, junior, but I had my license permanently revoked ’cause I flipped my 4×4 doing donuts in the police parking lot.
Sully: Was it worth it?
Eric Pearson: Ah, no regrets, bro! The coppers took my car and I fractured my shoulder, but it was wicked pisser!
Denise: [ atop mechanical pony ride ] Alright, tick-tock, boys. Me and my pony here are still sober.
Sully: Alright, Plan B. I’m going in. [ applies fake moustache ] Watch and learn. [ enters store ]
Eric Pearson: [ approaches Denise ] So, uh.. how’s it going, Denise?
Denise: You can call me Zazoo, thank you very much. Zazoo!
Eric Pearson: You, uh.. you lost weight, but not in your boobs.
Denise: Oh, my God! Don’t start with me, Pearson, alright? Last time you sweet-talked me, I ended up with a broken heart and a bag full of poison ivy!
Eric Pearson: [ laughs ] You loved it!
Denise: And don’t ever tell Sully we did it, either. He thinks he’s my third. Ah, that’s totally off the record, Tommy. [ Tommy nods with camera ]
Eric Pearson: Ah, it never would have worked out between you and me. You’re just a kid, and I gotta focus on my landscaping career. Yeah, you’re better off with Sully.
Denise: Oh, I’m well aware. Believe me, alright? I mean, Sully may lack book smarts, street smarts, and basic emotional intelligence, but you know what? So don’t I.
Sully: [ exits store carrying a case of beer ] Jackpot! A moustache and a British accent works every time!
Eric Pearson: Hey, uh, can you guys give me a ride up to Ash’s Hill?
Sully: Yeah, no problem. Donny and Frank are gonna pick us up any minute..
[ Frank wheels up with Donny on the handlebars ]
Donny Bartalotti: What’s up, suckers! Who wants to party with big, bad Donny Bartalotti?!!
Sully: Hey, Frank! Frank, where’s your car?
Frank: It’s at the bottom of the reservoir.
Sully: Still?
Donny Bartalotti: No! Again!
Frank: Ah, come on, Frank!
Donny Bartalotti: Come on! Get on!
Denise: Seriously? Alright.. [ sits on Frank’s handlebars ]
Frank: Yeah, I’ll take you all! I’m strong like a animal!
Donny Bartalotti: Yo, guys! I got a ball of Pink Schnapps.. I got some rubber cement in here.. and a whole gallon of paint thinner! We partyin’ tonight!
[ everyone cheers and screams, as Frank wheels them all away on his bicycle ]
Conan O’Brien: That was amazingly fun, everyone should get to do that. My thanks to: Don Henley, Ben Affleck, Max Weinberg, Becky Weinberg, the amazing cast and crew, Lorne Michaels. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody!
Ted Brown….Horatio Sanz Doctor….Conan O’Brien Nurse….Ana Gasteyer Mrs. Brown….Rachel Dratch Freddie Gannon….Will Ferrell Announcer Gary St. Laurel….Chris Parnell
[Opens with a shot of a house cut to the inside of it. Living room]
Ted Brown: Honey, I’m going to the good McDonalds onBanesville for some fries.
Mrs. Brown: That’s an hour drive. Just go to the oneacross the street.
Ted Brown: No, the one in Banesville is better.
Mrs. Brown: Ok, but remember Bruce Jenner’s in theActor’s Studio in 15 minutes and you’ve been pumped upabout that for like 2 weeks.
Ted Brown: Oh, my God! I almost forgot. Wait. I gotit. If I drive 135 miles an hour I can make it thereand back in 10 minutes.
Mrs. Brown: Honey, that is just a little bit extreme.
Ted Brown: We’re wasting time! I’m going!
[Jumps over table, runs out. Cut to an overview of thehighway and a red car crashing horribly.Shots ofdoctors taking in someone on a gurney, operating room.Dissolves to Ted in a hospital bed]
Nurse: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown. Can you hear me?
Ted Brown: Where am I?
Nurse: You’re tied to a bed in a shack. We’re weirdhillbilly cannibals and we’re gonna stick things in your butt.
Ted Brown: Aaaaahhh!! No! Help!
Nurse: I’m jokin’, I’m jokin’! It’s an old hospitaljoke. Calm down. You’re in Shelton Memorial.
[Doctor comes in]
Doctor: Hello there, Mr. Ber-an-wa.
Ted Brown: Brown.
Doctor: Yes, Braawn. Yes. Sorry, that’s a very oddname. I see you’ve woken up. Give us a few nurse, would you?
[nurse leaves]
Ted Brown: Doctor, what happened to me?
Doctor: Well, you were in a grisly car wreck, Mr.Berawn. But somehow after 10 hours of surgery, you’re alive.
Ted Brown: Thank you, doctor.
Doctor: Unfortunately, there is some bad news. And Iwant you to brace yourself Mr. Berone. In order tosave your life I was forced to remove your taint.
Ted Brown: What?!
Doctor: You had suffered massive trauma to your taint.We did all we could but in the end we were forced toremove it. Your taint. That is.
Ted Brown: What the hell is a taint?
Doctor: A taint, sir is the area between your rectumand your genitals. It ain’t your “uum” and it ain’tyour “aah”. So it’s a taint.
Ted Brown: Wait a minute. Are you talking about myfleshy fun bridge?
Doctor: You know, I haven’t heard that term since mysecond year of medical school but yes. That’s exactlywhat I’m talking about.
Ted Brown: You bastard!! You butchered me!! Where didyou get your medical degree out of a box of “HillStreet Blues” cereal?
Doctor: Was there a “Hill Street Blues” cereal?
Ted Brown: I’m pretty sure it was.
Doctor: Look Mr. Burnwa…
Ted Brown: It’s brown!!
Doctor: No sir, the taint is flesh colored.
Ted Brown: No, my name is Mr. Brown!
Doctor: Mr. Brawn, I assure you the field of taintprosthetics is advancing at a rapid pace. We can buildyou an artificial taint out of wood and yes, it will be bionic.
Ted Brown: Oh, God!!! I got no taint!!! What good amI?!!How does that song go,[sings]”Riders of the storm,like an actor all alone, some dude without ataint”….oh, man.
Doctor: Yes, we all love the Stones. Now sir, yourwife is outside and she’d like to see you.
Ted Brown: Oh, great.
Doctor: Yes.
Ted Brown: Let her in so she can see her taint lesshusband. ” He can’t work! He lost his taint!”
Doctor: Get a hold of yourself, man! There’s plenty ofjobs you can do without a taint.
Ted Brown: Name one.
Doctor: Well, there’s….I can’t.
[In walks Mrs. Brown with big sleazy guy with aponytail and a moustache]
Mrs. Brown: Ted?
Ted Brown: Don’t look at me!
Mrs. Brown: Ted, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t wait. I’veremarried. This is Freddie Gannon. He’s got a hugetaint!
Freddie Gannon: Real bum break about losing yourtaint. But don’t worry, I gave away your dog and I’msexin’ up your wife Freddie Gannon style. Ever need adiscount on a plastic diver for your fish tank, giveme a jingle.
Mrs. Brown: I’m so sorry.
Doctor: How good a deal you talking on that plastic diver?
Freddie Gannon: 400 clams.
Doctor: Oh, that is sweet! Cannot pass that up!
Ted Brown: I wish I would have died.
Doctor: Hey!, a lot of men and women worked damn hardto save you.[inspirational music plays]You’ve beengiven a gift. The gift of life. Now use it. Become ashinning example for the taint less everywhere. Livefriend and live well.
Ted Brown: Doctor, I’ve been a fool. I’m gonna takeyour gift and use it to become the first taint lessPresident!!
[Raises his fist in the air, freeze frame. Captionsscroll up the screen and announcer reads]
Announcer: And so Ted Braaawn from that day forthnever pitied himself for his lack of a taint again.And even though he didn’t become President, he did goon to become a not so bad guy who mops up at thebank-ident. And through his example, hundreds oftaint-less others have risen to prominence. Peoplelike Roy Smalley[photo of Roy], the guy who says”Let’s get ready to rumble”,[photo of Michael Buffer],Purvis Short[photo of the guy]…excuse me, I misreadthat Purvis Ellison[replaced by another photo], TheJessie White Tumblers[photo of the whole bunch], therobotic owl from “Clash of the Titans”[photo of theowl], Sirhan Sirhan[photo of the guy] and me Gary St.Laurel[photo of Gary in suit and tie]your announcer,that’s right. I bet you had no idea the person readingthis voice over does not have a taint.
Voice of a man: Nah, we knew, we knew.
Announcer: Oh, wow. I think I’m gonna cry. No, I’mnot. Yep, I am.[sobbing cries] Just stop tape. Stop it!
George…..Will Ferrell Hot Blondie…..Charlize Theron Old Crooner…..Jerry Minor Man with Guitar…..Horatio Sanz Band Leader…..Tracy Morgan MC…..Chris Parnell
(Opens with the outside of the Brewster Place Country Club building,cut to the inside of it. Stage with an orchestra, tables with people and an MC makes the introductions)
MC: Hello everybody. We have a special surprise performance everyone. You may have seen these talented people in the award winning documentary by Wim Wenders.
Audience: Oooohhh!!
(George and his hot date share a table)
Hot Blondie: Honey, you´re gonna love this! I have the CD.
George: Yeah, I know. I´m totally psyched.
MC: It is my great honor to introduce to you all the way from Cuba. The Buena Vista Social Club!
(MC leaves the stage, audience applauds,Cuban music plays, enters an old black crooner and a man with a guitar)
Man with guitar: We want to make love to you with our musical instruments!
Hot Blondie: Oh, honey. They´re so cute! I wish I understood Spanish.
George: My Spanish is a little rusty but I´ll try to translate.
(both singing)
Old crooner and Man with guitar: La chica que yo amo es una flor muy linda.
George: The girl that he loves is like a beautiful flower.
Old crooner and Man with guitar: Labios como dulce, culito como el diablo.
George: With lips sweet like candy and an ass like the devil.
Old Crooner and Man with guitar: No tengo pantalones besa mi chorizo. No tengo pantalones besa mi chorizo!!
Hot Blondie: What are they saying?
George: I think they said I have no pants and kiss my big sausage.
(song ends, applause)
Man with guitar: Thank you. Thank you.
Old crooner: I hope the last song made all the ladies in the audience wet!
George: What?!
Band leader: What he means to say is he wants the song to bring tear to your eye.
(New song begins)
Old crooner: Oye, amigo. Como estas?
George: Hello, friend. How are you?
Man with guitar: Bien, pero calentoso como siempre.
George: Good but horny as always.
Old crooner: Ves a esa chica aqui. (points to hot Blondie)
George: Do you see the girl I´m pointing at?
Man with guitar: Si, te apuesto que la podemos coger en un triangulo sexual.
Old crooner: Si, si ese pendejo con la corbata roja se fuera.
George: I bet we could double team her if we can get rid of the dumb ass in the red tie. Hey! I´m the only dumb ass here with a red tie!
Hot Blondie: Sshhhh! George, calm down.
George: They´re singing about doing it with you!
Hot Blondie: What? Look at them, they´re harmless! The music´s sensual, right? That´s the Cuban music. That´s why I love the CD so much!
(Song ends, applause, old crooner gets down to the audience)
Man with guitar: Thank you, thank you.
Band leader: OK, everybody. At this time we would like to invite some lucky lady up to come and join us for a special dance called the Lambada Dance.
(Old crooner already has the hot Blondie by the hand and points at her very horny)
George: Lambada? That´s not Cuban!
Band leader: How about you? The girl he would like to double team!
George: No, no. Don´t go up there!
Hot Blondie: Oh, loosen up, George!
(Old crooner signals for music, lively music plays and he dry humps her from the front, eyes closed, tongue out. Man with guitar joins in an dry humps her from behind)
Band Leader: Now they would like to teach you the guitar!
(She grabs the guitar)
Hot Blondie: Oh, OK!
(The hot Blondie barely can hold the guitar, she´s with it. The dry humps turn into kissing her all over her body, George gets up)
George: Hey! you know what? That´s enough! That´s enough!
(George tries desperately to free her from the horny Cubans)
President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As most of you are aware, earlier this week Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to George Washington University Hospital after complaining of chest pains. Because of his history of heart trouble, the Vice President was held for several hours of tests before being released. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers are naturally with the Cheney family. But while this is a matter of some concern, it is vitally important that the American people be reassured. It is only Vice President Cheney that is seriously ill; I am perfectly fine. And unlike the Vice President, I can assure you that there is virtually no chance that illness will ever prevent me from discharging the duties of my office. On that score, Americans can rest easy. I’ll always be running the show.
(looks nervously to his side)
But if you are still worried, I have here the results of my most recent physical exam. This should put those fears to rest. Consider, for example, my resting heart rate at 42 beats per minute. For purposes of comparison, a typical man my age has a heart rate of 72. Dick Cheney’s is 211. Or, consider my cholesterol level of 115. Average for my age: 200. Again, Dick Cheney’s is 650. In fact, the only medical condition I do have is what my doctors call a tiny beer belly, left over from my wild oats period. But according to these doctors, if I follow their dietary guidelines and work with John Abdo and his AbDoer, there’s no reason I couldn’t have a size 30 waist by next year’s State of the Union. Think about it! A size 30 waist! Again, for comparison, Dick Cheney is a 52. You have to admit, that is pretty good.
So what’s my secret? I don’t know. Mostly good genes, I guess. And plenty of sleep. Fourteen hours a night, every night, no ifs, ands or buts. Also, keeping a moderate work schedule and taking frequent catnaps. Plus, when it comes to my official duties, I make sure I pace myself. But, whatever the reason, the bottom line is that Americans don’t need to worry. I’m in excellent health. Other people may drop like flies in this administration, but I’m going to be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That’s 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. You can count on it.
And one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
