Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 22: Episode 14
96n: Alec Baldwin / Tina Turner
Bill Brasky’s Funeral
First Friend of Brasky … Mark McKinney
Second Friend of Brasky … Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky … Alec Baldwin
Woman … Ana Gasteyer
Fourth Friend of Brasky … Tim Meadows
Next, three mumbling members of the Brasky Bunchenter, drinking from large glasses half full ofliquor, and line up at the casket as if it were thecountertop of a bar. The cigarette-smoking FirstFriend of Brasky puts an ashtray on the casket. TheSecond Friend of Brasky carries a bottle. The ThirdFriend of Brasky wears a hat and also smokes acigarette. They speak loudly, slurring their wordsdrunkenly throughout:]
Third Friend of Brasky: I can’t believe he’sgone!
First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!
Second Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky was ason-of-a-bitch!
Third Friend of Brasky: I’m gonna misshim!
Second Friend of Brasky: [proposing a toast] ToBill Brasky!
All Three: [raising their glasses] BillBrasky!
Third Friend of Brasky: A ten foot monster whoslept with all of our wives!
Second Friend of Brasky: And he punched us allin the face!
First Friend of Brasky: And we LOVED him forit!
Third Friend of Brasky: He had a four day heartattack!
First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, a day for everychamber!
Second Friend of Brasky: When they did theautopsy, they said his heart was like a basketballfilled with ricotta cheese!
Third Friend of Brasky: They found sixtydollars in change in his stomach!
First Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman inthe office!
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Third Friend of Brasky: I remember one timeBrasky took his family to Sea World–
First Friend of Brasky: I’m wearing adiaper!
Third Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyway, they were watching Shamu the whale when Braskygot splashed!
Second Friend of Brasky: [speaksincoherently]
Third Friend of Brasky: Right. So Brasky yells,”I’m Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!” So he climbsinto the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale intothe audience, splashes him and yells, “How do you likeit?!” And then damn if Brasky didn’t step in there andfinish the show!
Second Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!
First Friend of Brasky: You know, he wouldshoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe.
Third Friend of Brasky: He did all the make-upon the Planet of the Apes movies.
Second Friend of Brasky: He taught – he taughtme how to love a woman – and how to scold achild.
First Friend of Brasky: He had dandruff thesize of mice!
Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell youabout the time Brasky took me out to go get a drinkwith him?
Third Friend of Brasky: I’m a convicted sexoffender!
Second Friend of Brasky: [after a pause]Anyways, we go off lookin’ for a bar and we can’t findone. Finally, Brasky takes me into a vacant lot andsays, “Here we are!” Well, we sat there for a year anda half. Sure enough, someone constructed a bar aroundus!
First Friend of Brasky: P. J.McGinty’s!
Second Friend of Brasky: That’s right, that’sright! Well, the day they opened it, we ordered ashot, drank it and then burnt the place to the ground.Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, “Alwaysleave things the way you found them!”
Third Friend of Brasky: He was a terribleman!
First Friend of Brasky: He once punched a holein a cow just so he could see who was comin’ up theroad.
Third Friend of Brasky: He had nine children,all of ’em boys!
Second Friend of Brasky: Hell, he sired abaseball team.
Third Friend of Brasky: An orchestra, if youcount the bastards!
Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Woman: [joins the three at the casket,whispering loudly] Excuse me, could you gentlemenplease keep it down? This is a funeral!
First Friend of Brasky: Oh! Sorry.
Third Friend of Brasky: Sorry, sorry. Hey, youmind gettin’ us some fresh ice there, girlie?
Woman: You are horrible men! [exits]
First Friend of Brasky: [continues withoutmissing a beat] Did I ever tell you about the time Ihad breakfast with Brasky?
Second Friend of Brasky: My Uncle Hal molestedme!
First Friend of Brasky: [after a slight pause]Anyways, Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD withhis eggs. Then he slept for eight months straight.When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, “All inall, I prefer gin!”
Third Friend of Brasky: That’s just likeBrasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: To BillBrasky!
All Three: Bill Brasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: They say GeneRoddenberry got the idea for Star Trek from Braskytalkin’ in his sleep!
Third Friend of Brasky: He once breast-fed aninjured flamingo back to health.
First Friend of Brasky: He used to jog aroundthe block with a fridge on his back!
Second Friend of Brasky: His poop is consideredcurrency in Argentina!
First Friend of Brasky: He loved extensioncords!
Third Friend of Brasky: He hated Mexicans!
Second Friend of Brasky: And he was halfMexican!
First Friend of Brasky: And he hatedirony!
Third Friend of Brasky: He grew a third arm andkept it in a vault!
Second Friend of Brasky: He slept eight hours anight! [the others give him a puzzled look] Well, hewas pretty normal when it came to that.
[A mourner, who has been sitting in the backgroundsince the sketch began, now rises with a drink in hishand and joins the three at the casket:]Fourth Friend of Brasky: Excuse me! Are youguys talkin’ about Bill Brasky?
First and Second Friend of Brasky: We certainlyare!
Fourth Friend of Brasky: I know BillBrasky!
Second Friend of Brasky: I like you!
Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!
All Four: Bill Brasky!
[Suddenly, a giant hand clutching a half full glass ofliquor smashes up through the top of the woodencasket. The Brasky Bunch is momentarilystunned.]Booming Voice of Bill Brasky: I’m back! Now,top me off, you bastards!
All Four: [thrilled] Bill Brasky!
[First and Second Friend pour liquor into Brasky’sglass.]First Friend of Brasky: Here you go,buddy!
[Dissolve to photo of Alec Baldwin and some blueballoons. Fade.]Submitted Anonymously
