Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Friends

Rachel….Cheri Oteri
Pheobe….Ana Gasteyer
Ross……Chris Kattan
Chandler….Colin Quinn
Joey…….Matthew Perry
Monica…..Molly Shannon

[open in the Friends apartment, with Rachel and Pheobe watching TV]

Rachel: Oh my God, this show is so stupid, Pheobes. I mean, it’s just tapes of cats falling off things and men getting hit in the crotch!

Pheobe: Um, okay, I love this show, Rache.

Rachel: You would. Look, Pheobes, I have something to tell you.

[Rachel turns off TV]

Pheobe: Wow, that sounds really like [imitating trumpet herald] announcement!

Rachel: It kind of is. I met someone, Pheobes. A guy. I think this whole Ross and me thing is, like, over.

Pheobe: Um, congratulations, I think. Wow.

[Monica and Ross enter]

Monica: You know, Ross, you totally offended me when you didn’t eat any of my quiche a la Monica. I mean, hello? I spent all day making it.

Ross: Well, I would’ve spent all night throwing it up.

[Ross sees Rachel]

Ross: Oh, hi, Rachel.

Rachel: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey, I thought you were gonna call me. I spent all weekend beside the phone, in a fetal position. Moaning. A lot.

Rachel: Oh, Ross. There’s kind of a reason why I didn’t call.

Ross: Well, I was really hoping you would, Rache, cause I just wanted to ask you…will you marry me?

[Everyone looks shocked while Joey enters]

Joey: Hey, yo. You guys wanna go shoot some pool or something?

Monica: Joey, shut up! Ross just totally popped the question!

Joey: Ho ho! What question!

Monica: Hello? THE question? The BIG one? HELLO?

Joey: Ho ho! …what question?

[Chandler enters. While everyone up to this point has been imitating the Friends characters relatively accurately, Colin Quinn portrays Chandler as EXTREMELY effeminate]

Colin: Oh! What a HORRID day I’ve had!

[Matthew Perry looks puzzled, but tries to maintain his Joey impression]

Monica: Hi, Chandler.

Pheobe: Um, hi, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh my STARS, it’s a wonder I didn’t simply faint dead away! Heavens to Betsy!

Ross: I – I know this is sudden, Rachel, but there’s – there’s still this thing between us, you know, there’s kind of this thing, that, you know, it’s a good thing!

Rachel: Oh, Ross! Ross, marriage is such a big step!

Chandler: Marriage!? Marriage, my word, you mustn’t! My dear girl, you’ll be ruined, RUINED!

Pheobe: Um, okay, Chandler, I think you’re being, like, really negative right now. Like, marriage rules!

Monica: I know! I mean, marriage! Hello?! HELLO!?

Ross: Look, Rache, I still love you, I really do! Joey, tell her how much I talk about her!

Chandler: Heavens, yes, Joey, do tell, do tell!

[Matthew Perry stares at Colin Quinn in confusion. He’s clearly thinking about Colin now and not the sketch]

Joey: Well, yeah…you know…Ross says things…about…Rachel.

Ross: See?!?

Chandler: Oh, bother, you’re all prattling away while I stand here half dead from thirst. I simply shall perish without a glass of buttermilk!

[Colin moves to the fridge, walking very effeminately. Matthew Perry follows him]

Joey: Hey, hold on a sec there, Chandler. You’re, uh, kinda out of character today, not your usual smart-alecky self. Is something wrong?

Chandler: Why, heavens, no, dear boy! I’m Chandler Bing, raconteur and sassy man-about-town! Now would you be a love and fetch me my shawl?

Matthew Perry [breaks character completely, addresses Colin directly] Alright, Colin, cut it out!

Colin Quinn: [tries to keep character] Dear me, I shan’t be spoken to in that tone, JOEY. It simply won’t do!

Matthew Perry: I’m serious! Cut it out!

Colin QuinnM: [breaks character] What are you doing, Matthew? You’re ruining the whole sketch!

Matthew Perry: What am I doing? What kind of an impression is this?! It doesn’t sound anything like me!

Chris Kattan: [still impersonating Ross as he speaks] Look, you – you shouldn’t second-guess him, you know? He’s an actor, and, you know, he made an acting choice.

Matthew Perry: Hey, Kattan, do yourself a favor and stick to characters that don’t speak!

[Chris Kattan, angry, sits down on the couch]

Matthew Perry: And Colin, I don’t play Chandler like some big gay foppish guy!

Colin Quinn: Look, Matthew, I’m sorry you didn’t like my impression. It’s just that I’m a huge fan. And your performance in that role always brings to mind classic character actors like Ed Win, Edward Everett Horton, and I tried to bring that to my performance. But I guess it was a bad call.

Matthew Perry: [suddenly intrigued] Well, not necessarily…

[Perry looks upward, deep in thought. The scene switches to a picture of a studio lot, with the caption reading “Hollywood, California. A Few Weeks From Now.”]

[The scene switches to the Friends’ apartment. Matthew Perry bounds into the room as Chandler, and he now plays Chandler as effeminately as Colin did]

Chandler: Oooooh, Chandler’s home! Joey, be a dear and fetch me my shawl! I’m rather chilly! Oooooooohhhh!

[Scene freezes and Friends music plays while Friends credits roll]

Transcribed by: Scott Bonner

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Golords

Mike Golord…..Will Ferrell
Sissy Golord…..Ana Gasteyer
Doc
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Fake Bill Clinton
Chung
Madame Wong
Chung’s Hitman

[Opens with the Seal of the President of the UnitedStates. Bill Clinton is addressing the nation from theOval Office]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of theUnited States.

President Bill Clinton: My fellow Americans. Lately thisadministration has come under attack for acceptingcampaign contributions from foreigners. I’m here tosay there’s no truth behind this allegations andfurthermore my….

[Helicopter roars, two guys storm through the windowsbehind Clinton and open machine gunfire in alldirections]

President Bill Clinton: HOLY…!!!

[They hook Clinton up and helicopter carries him outof the Oval Office along with the two gunmen]

Man: THEY’VE KIDNAPPED THE PRESIDENT!!! OH!,OH!,OH!

Jingle:
From a secret sattelite,
comes a gang that’s outta sight.
Captain Golord and his team,
they will fight out evil schemes,
helping save the earth below,
they are always on the go!

[Montage of the Golord’s adventures. Sattelite inspace,confronting bad guys, knocking down doors, Docon the phone in the lab, flying through space in theirspace mobile]

GOLORDS! GOLORDS! GOOOO!!!!

Announcer: The Golords.

[Sattelite in space, cut into it. Mike and Sissy intheir blue uniforms are sittting down while Doc in hislab coat and big glasses read a printout message]

Doc: Mike, Sissy, we’re getting an emergency message.Our sources have located the President!

Sissy: Where’s he at, Doc?

Doc: It says here that the culprits are holding thePresident in a brothel outside of Hong Kong.

[Mike is watching a Penthouse centerfold]

Mike: Let’s go!

[Caption: Hong Kong. Oriental music. City at night.Mike and Sissy are in front of a whorehouse, dooropens]

Madame Wong: Welcome to Madame Wong’s whorehouse! MikeGolord? Back so soon?

Mike:[Speaks chinese. Subtitled:Madame Wong, this ismy sister, so be cool with the “Mike Golord”stuff.]Hello, stranger. Have you seen this man aroundhere?

[Holds up photo of Bill Clinton]

Madame Wong: Uh, how about a quicky?

Mike: Sissy, wait here. I think Madame Wong may knowsomething.

[Madame Wong and Mike walk into a red lighted room,door closes. Door opens in one second, Madame Wong isnaked on the bed, Mike walks out]

Mike: Thanks, Wong.

Sissy: What did you find out Mike?

Mike: Not a thing. Let’s go to another whorehouse.

[Madame Wong attacks Mike with a knife]

Sissy: Mike, look out!

[Bang! bang!, bang! bang! Sissy shoots Madame Wong inthe face 4 times]

Mike: Thanks, Sissy. That was close. Let’s take a lookaround the rest of this place.

[Bang! Sissy shoots Wong one more time just to besure.]

[Cut to President Clinton tied to a chair in awarehouse. Chung and his hitman are next to Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: I’ll tell you what. When my govermenthear about this there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Chung: Silence!

[Slaps Clinton in the face]

President Bill Clinton: [whimpering] Don’t hit me!

Chung’s Hitman: Silence!

[Another slap in the face of Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: The security codes are Delta, Alpha,Zebra….

Chung: Please, shut up. We are not interested incodes. Our top genetics scientists have been workingaround the clock to perfect this, our own PresidentBill Clinton.

[Chung takes hood off another guy tied to a chair thatlooks just like Clinton only that the white hair isuncombed]

President Bill Clinton: He looks just like me!

Fake Bill Clinton: I build bridges to 21st century.

Chung: It’s perfect. We don’t need to make campaigncontributions any longer. Now our President will makea new American policy and no one can stop us!

[Mike and Sissy burst through the door]

Mike: Hold it right there, Chung!

Sissy: Two completely identical Presidents. How can wetell them apart?

President Bill Clinton: It’s me!!

Fake Bill Clinton: Hey, I’m the guy!

Sissy: What do we do, Mike?

Mike: I’ve got it!

[Shows fake Bill Clinton a photo of Paula Jones]

Mike: Do you find this lady sexy?

Fake Bill Clinton: Oh, no. She not sexy. She make mesick.[throws up]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah![His horniness makeshis head spin wildly]

Mike: Suck on this!

[Mike shoots fake Bill Clinton in the forehead. Hisbrains splash into the wall]

Chung: Stop them!

Sissy: Hyah! Take that!

[Sissy punches Chung’s hitman in the chest and ripsout his still beating heart]

President Bill Clinton: Good Lord!

Sissy: Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

[Sissy knife in hand goes over to Chung and chops hishead clean off, head rolls around on the floor]

[Back in the Oval Office]

President Bill Clinton: This country owes you Golords a greatdebt that can never be repaid.

Mike: No need Mr. President. I just hope you’velearned taking illegal contributions from foreignersis dangerous. It’s more safer and patriotic to letAmerican corporations to buy off our politicians.

[Bill Clinton fondles Sissy’s right breast]

President Bill Clinton: I couldn’t agree more. That is whytomorrow I’m gonna get started on tough new campaignfinance reform.

[Dishonest giggling from Clinton, Mike and Sissy joinin the giggling]

Announcer: GOLORDS!! GOLORDS!! GOOOO!!!!

The Golords logo.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Goodnights

…..Matthew Perry

Matthew Perry: Thakas to Oasis! Thanks to everybody! I love you, Grandpa! Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
John Travolta…..Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds…..Norm MacDonald
Michael Keaton…..Matthew Perry

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. And let’s take a look at the scores. John Travolta has -$2,000. In a close second with -$1,900 is Michael Keaton. [ Keaton is doing several facial expressions. ] And in first place, with $0, is our returning champion Burt Reynolds, who, of course, has yet to ring in. It’s time now for Double Jeopardy. And once again for this round contestants, I’d like to remind you, please, no cursing. Let’s take a look at the board. The categories are: “Continents”; “Theater”; “Potpourri”; “Potent Potables”; “Numbers”; “Words That Rhyme With Dog”; and finally, “The Renaissance.” And you know what, let’s just replace that last category with “Shapes.” [ Tile saying “The Renaissance” is flipped over to reveal “Shapes.” ] Burt Reynolds, you pick the category.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, give me, ah, Theater for $10,000.

Alex Trebek: Theater for $600. The answer is: This play by William Shakespeare was about a merchant who lived in Venice. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that was “Footloose”. [ nods ] Good flick, “Footloose”.

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Is this a horror flick we’re talking about? ‘Cause I love horror flicks.

Alex Trebek: It’s.. it’s not a flick at all.

John Travolta: Okay. “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question.John Travolta: That was a question! Who framed him? [ Keaton buzzes in. ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Keaton. [ Keaton just does facial expressions. ] Mr. Keaton. [ The buzzer sounds. ] I.. I don’t think we can accept facial expressions as an answer. Mr. Reynolds, it’s your board, pick a category.

Burt Reynolds: I’ll take the dog one.

Alex Trebek: All right, Words That Rhyme With Dog, for $400. And the answer is: It’s been a “Hard Day’s Night” I should be sleeping like a “This.” [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Chinese whore.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Chinese whore doesn’t rhyme with dog.

Alex Trebek: That’s why it was a wrong answer. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: No, you are not. And the board still belongs.. [ Reynolds buzzes in several times. ] What, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I think, ah, I think my buzzer’s broken.

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not, you just buzzed in.

Burt Reynolds: No I didn’t. [ buzzes in several more times. ] I think it.. I think it’s broken.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Travolta, why don’t you pick a category.
John Travolta: Continents for $600.

Alex Trebek: And it’s the Audio Daily Double. How much do you want to wager?

John Travolta: I’m gonna play it safe. I’ll wager $0.

Alex Trebek: All right, for $0. Here’s your Audio Daily Double clue: Name this continent. [ A voice says “Asia.” Travolta doesn’t answer. ] Mr. Travolta. [ The voice says “Asia” again. The buzzer sounds. ] Time has run out. The answer was “Asia.” [ Reynolds pats Travolta on the back. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ah, tough luck there buddy, huh?

Alex Trebek: Okay, moving on. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] What is it, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ points at Travolta ] Check out this guy’s back.

John Travolta: What? [ turns around to reveal a “Kick Me” sign. ]

Alex Trebek: That’s nice, you put a “Kick Me” sign on Mr. Travolta’s back.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, ha-ha.

John Travolta: Oh that’s, that’s good.

Burt Reynolds: I did it when he.. I did it when he wasn’t looking.

Alex Trebek: That’s very nice. Good job, Burt. Tell you what, we’re gonna let Michael Keaton pick a category.

Michael Keaton: All right, um, Number. See, because sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down. Let’s do that now, shall we? Numb, see, if you’re numb, you can’t feel. [ pauses for a second ] See, yeah if you’re numb you can’t feel. And then Ber..

Alex Trebek: Numbers for $800. And the answer is: This number comes between five and seven. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: ..See and then Ber, if you’re, you know if you’re cold, that’s the sound that you would make. I guess I, I guess my answer will be uh, somebody who can’t feel that they’re, uh, that they’re cold.

Alex Trebek: No.

Michael Keaton: What is somebody who can’t feel when they’re cold?

Alex Trebek: No, no Mr. Keaton, I know what you’re trying to do. Just stop. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Mr. Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I think I fixed it. My buzzer, I think I fixed it. [ buzzes in repeatedly ]

Alex Trebek: I see. You know what, let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy with every player in negative numbers. And the category is…you know what, this is way too hard, I’m just gonna make one up. How about your favorite food? Just write down whatever food you personally like most, any food you like to eat. [ music starts ] Your favorite food. [ Keaton walks over to Reynolds’s podium ] Keep in mind you can’t be wrong. You can even lie to me and just put down a food. [ music stops ] Okay, and put down your pens. Mr. Travolta, let’s see what you put. Your favorite food is.. [ shows his screen ] Miso. A type of soup, excellent! And your wager.. [ shows his wager ] Horny. Me, so horny. [ Travolta laughs. ] Great.

John Travolta: Come on, that’s hilarious! Come on!

Alex Trebek: No, it’s not. Now, let’s look at Mr. Reynolds’s answer. [ shows his screen ] Check out Keaton’s back. [ Keaton turns around to reveal the “Kick Me” sign. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha!

Alex Trebek: Right. Very funny.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, he didn’t know it was on there.

Alex Trebek: Shut up. Just shut up. Let’s see what Mr. Keaton came up with. You wrote.. [ shows his screen ] Val Kilmer sucks.

Michael Keaton: I’m Batman.

Alex Trebek: Okay, and your wager.. [ shows his wager ] George Clooney sucks. Well, no one won, apparently.

Burt Reynolds: I won.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I did.

Alex Trebek: Anyway. That’s it for Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again, no money will be given to charity.

Burt Reynolds: Seriously, I did win.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn’t.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I did.

[ fade out ]

Submitted by: GohanDZ

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Caller #1…..Molly Shannon
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Cheri Oteri
Martell…..Tracy Morgan
Caller #4…..Colin Quinn

Leon Phelps: I am Leon Phelps, and how y’all doing tonight? I am ready for the show, I’ve got some Courvoisier cognac, and my scented candles, and I’m ready to take your calls, so, uh, just dial the number that you see flashing below there, and you can talk to me, Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man. Alright. Go ahead, caller.

Caller #1: Hi. Is this The Ladies Man?

Leon Phelps: It’s a lady!

Caller #1: Yeah, uh, I got really drunk, and I had unprotected sex with this guy I met at a bar last night.

Leon Phelps: Well, that sounds alright.

Caller #1: No. I’m really scared. I mean, what if I get a disease?

Leon Phelps: Well, it’s cool, because, uh, you know, I have been with many fine ladies, and, uh, many of them were very skanky, and, consequently, The Ladies Man has had a few diseases. But I have rebounded every time. That’s why they call me The Ladies Man. So, Caller, never look back, and practice safe intercourse, okay? Alright, next caller?

Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man? Yeah, uh, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years now, and we like to have sex and all, but..

Leon Phelps: Hey, that sounds good to me!

Caller #2: It gets kind of boring, so is there any way we can, uh, spice up our love life?

Leon Phelps: Well, yes. There are a number of possibilities that you can pursue. Uh.. may I suggest you consider the butt?

Caller #2: [ quickly hangs up the phone, eager to takesuggestion ]

Leon Phelps: Hello? Alright, then, I’m going to take a sip off this Courvoisier, ’cause it’s getting chilly in here. [ sips Courvoisier ] Alright, then, next caller, go ahead. This is The Ladies Man.

Caller #3: Hello, Ladies Man.

Leon Phelps: Hey, it’s a lady! How you feeling tonight, lady?

Caller #3: Well, not so good. I’m having some problems with my self-esteem.

Leon Phelps: Your self-esteem. Yeah. Now, what is that?

Caller #3: Well.. I don’t feel good about myself.

Leon Phelps: Oh no, now, that’s not good. Uh, why do you feel that way?

Caller #3: Well, I have a bit of a weight problem, and it’s hard, you know, to meet guys.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, yeah, well, The Ladies Man is here to help you. Um.. so tell me, uh, how fat are you?

Caller #3: I’m like, 210.

Leon Phelps: Now, that is big. Um, I was not expecting you to say anything over 200 pounds. Uh, I was basically expecting, like, 130, 135.. yeah, you are a big woman. Um, my advice to you is to, uh, avoid any type of food product that your neighborhood supermarket might try to sell you. [tips glass] But here’s to you, Fat Lady. The Ladies Man loves you, but not in any type of sexual, or love-type way. [laughing] I see my stage manager Martell finds the plight of that last call amusing.

Martell: Hey, yo, Leon, whatchoo doing after the show tonight, man? You going to the club?

Leon Phelps: No, no, no, no. I’ve got some plans, man.

Martell: So, whatchoo gonna be doing then, bro?

Leon Phelps: Well, um, I don’t want to get into the particulars, um.. but I know that a bottle of Courvoisier and a lady will definitely be involved, you know what I mean?

Martell: Right on, then!

Leon Phelps: Yeah. Okay, next caller, go ahead. You got The Ladies Man.

Caller #4: Yeah, hi, Ladies Man. Sometimes when I’m in the shower at the gym, with a bunch of guys, I get aroused. Is that normal?

Leon Phelps: Yes, basically, that is a normal response. It’s natural to have those kind of feelings, but, uh, what I want to know is, uh, how a fine lady like yourself could have such a deep voice?

Caller #4: I’m a man.

Leon Phelps: Well, the first thing I would tell you is to keep that secret to yourself, you know? Um, that is something that you are going to have to live with for the rest of your life, and you can never tell. Thank you, Caller. Uh, listen, at this point, I feel that I should say to my viewers that, uh, The Ladies Man does not want any more calls like that. Okay? Because those calls, they disturb The Ladies Man, okay? Thanks very much. Well, I can tell by the empty bottle of Courvoisier that it is time to say goodnight. So, uh, look out, ladies, ’cause here comes Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man!

SNL Transcripts

Larry King’s News & Views II

Larry King…..Norm MacDonald

[Bespectacled, suspender-wearing talk show host LarryKing bends over his typewriter and cranks out hisnewspaper column.]

Announcer: If you’re still not reading “LarryKing’s News & Views,” then you shouldn’t be reading atall.

Larry King: [into the camera] Blue is wonderfulbut yellow is the best color.

I don’t care what anyone says, in my book, JeffreyDahmer was not a cannibal.

When actor Harry Hamlin is on the tube, it’simpossible to look away.

Two “must-dos” when visiting Atlanta: you must visitthe Martin Luther King Memorial and you musttry the cole slaw at Ezra’s.

Here’s my question of the day, folks: Why arereservations good if you make them at a restaurant butbad if you force Indians to live on them?

Of all the hosts of “The Tonight Show,” one of the twoor three greatest has got to be Johnny Carson.

Announcer: This has been USA Today’s “News &Views with Larry King.”

Larry King: Somebody ought to tell all thesecigarette smokers – it just ain’t safe, gang!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Caray…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Ken Waller…..Jeff Goldblum
Station Manager…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: From the outer most reaches of the universe, to the inner most planets of our solar syatem, This is “Space The Infinite Frontier” with your host Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.

Harry Caray: Hi everybody Harry Caray here, and welcome to Space The Infinite Frontier. We’ve got a great show lined up for ya, joining us in the studio today all the way from Cal-Tech is astrophysicist Dr. Ken Waller. Welcome to the show Ken.

Dr. Ken Waller: Thank You! It’s nice to be here.

Harry Caray: Now Dr. recently they discovered that there might be life on one of the moons of Jupiter. Now that’s gotta be exciting for ya.

Dr. Ken Waller: Oh yes Harry were thrilled to discover that there theoretically life could exist below the surface of planets due to the heat caused by volcanic activity.

Harry Caray: That’s something else. Let me ask what’s your favorite planet.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, I don’t have a favorite. I find them all fascinating there all a part of a-

Harry Caray: Mine’s the sun. Always has been. I like it because it’s like the king of planets.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well, Actually Harry it’s not a planet it’s a star.

Harry Caray: Well! Planet or starwhen that thing burns out were all gonna be dead.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well that’s true but it’s not gonna burn out for a very long time.

Harry Caray: I hope not. Dr. have you ever seen an eclipse.

Dr. Ken Waller: Ah! Yeah I’ve seen many.

Harry Caray: You know if you stare at it head on it’ll burn your eyes out.

Dr. Ken Waller: Well it’s not best to stare at the sun in an eclipse.

Harry Caray: Well it’s hard not to. I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over a hour.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you do that?

Harry Caray: Curiosity I guess. Heck I’m curious as a cat. I have a couple of friends that call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: Because your curious like a cat.

Harry Caray: Yes! Hey! Now Ken we all know thta the moon is noty made of green cheese.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! That’s true Harry.

Harry Caray: But what if it were made of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it then.

Dr. Ken Waller: What!

Harry Caray: I know I would. Heck I’d have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall cool budweiser. I would do it.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yeah!

Harry Caray: Would you.

Dr. Ken Waller: I’m confused.

Harry Caray: It’s a simple question. Would you eat the monon if it were made of ribs.

Dr. Ken Waller: I don’t know how to answer that.

Harry Caray: It’s not rocket science. Just say yes ans will move on.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes!

Harry Caray: Hey! How bout this mad cow disease.

Dr. Ken Waller: What about it.

Harry Caray: Well it was here for a while then it went away.

Dr. Ken Waller: Yes! Yes! it was in the news for a while then it disappeared.

Harry Caray: Good point! I hpe I never get it. Hey! What about this. If you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease what would it be.

Dr. Ken Waller: well! Of course I would choose to be the the top scientist in my field.

Harry Caray: Oh good! I was worried you’d choose mad cow.

Dr. Ken Waller: Why would you think that.

Harry Caray: I don’t know I’m just a worrier I guess. That’s why my friends call me whiskers.

Dr. Ken Waller: I thought you said your friends call you Whiskers cause you’re curious as a cat.

Harry Caray: Well Dr. Waller it has been a pleasure. We’ve covered a lot of ground and shared a few laughs thanks for coming on.

Dr. Ken Waller: My pleasure.

Harry Caray: He’s a good kid. That’s all the time we he have join us next week with our guest Albert Einstein.

(Station manager whispers into Harry Caray’s ear)

Harry Caray: What! Well apparently Albert Einstein died 42 years ago. You know what, we’ll try to get him anyway. See you next time. Cubs win! Cubs win!

Thanks to Charles Spivey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

… Norm MacDonald
Lenny the Lion … Colin Quinn

[Music. Graphic reading WEEKEND UPDATE / NORMMacDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with NormMacDonald!

[Applause. Dissolve to Norm at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I’m Norm MacDonald.Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesdayagainst Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn, the nation’sfirst female B-52 pilot. Flinn is accused ofconducting an adulterous affair with a married man aswell as having a brief fling with a second airman andthen lying about it. An Air Force prosecutor calledher, quote, “a sexual predator,” while her commandingofficer has called her a, quote, “lying sex addict.”Meanwhile, President Clinton called her. …[applause]

Earlier this year, the Liggett Group paid out morethan seven hundred and fifty million in a courtsettlement when it admitted that its cigarettes areaddictive. And this week, the tobacco company unveiledits new warning label. It reads: “Warning: Don’t tryto sue us, we don’t have any money left.”

Yesterday, the House Budget committee approved anoutline of a deal between President Clinton andcongressional leaders to balance the budget. But bothsides caution it is not set in stone. In order tobecome official, of course, it must still be approvedby this Chinese guy here. [Photo of elderlybespectacled Asian man, Norm jerks his thumb at it] … He’s gotta–

Man in Audience: Boo!

Norm MacDonald: Boo? What the hell? …[shrugs] No reason to boo anything.

It was reported this week that Simpson prosecutorsMarcia Clark and Chris Darden often passed sexuallyexplicit notes back and forth at the trial, noteswhich discussed each other’s, quote, “turn ons.” And,according to the notes, both Darden and Clark areturned on by the same freakish thing: Alan Dershowitz![Photo of not terribly handsome Simpson defenseattorney Alan Dershowitz]

Meanwhile, O. J. himself may have some explaining todo. For months, he has denied hiding financial assets,including valuable sports mementos, from the Brown andGoldman families. But, earlier today, Simpson pal A.C. Cowlings was stopped as he tried to leave thecountry. In the back seat of his Bronco, police foundO. J.’s Heisman Trophy disguised with a tiny fakebeard. [Photo of Heisman Trophy with beard]

According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma, HenriettaCollins, a ninety year old widow, was bilked out ofher life savings by the trustees of her estate. [pullstape recorder out of pocket and speaks into it] Noteto self: Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins ofher life savings. Some dirty bastard got there first…. [Norm shakes his head, grins, tries unsuccessfullyto return recorder to pocket, winces, finally pocketsrecorder] …

This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressedpublished reports that her husband had an extramaritalaffair saying, quote, “Frank did and always does whatis right.” Kathie Lee’s statement has been widelyinterpreted as a public admission that her husbandbeats her. … [applause]

Norm MacDonald: Well, with the recent escapesof several bears in the tristate area — That can’t betrue! — and several animal attacks in the news. … Ithink we just made up the story here. We have broughtin someone who can help us shed some light on thisoutbreak of zoo-related incidents that you see allover the news. From the Bronx Zoo, Lenny the Lion ishere! Hey, Lenny! [cheers and applause as we pan overto Lenny]

Lenny the Lion: Thanks, Norm. Uh, Norm, I knowwhy those bears ran away. The zoo can be a roughplace. My first year, I got in about fifty fights.They had to put me in supermax like Gotti. They let meout to exercise an hour a day, two showers a week.They won’t let you make phone calls. I can’t make themanyway because– [holds up a paw, no opposable thumbwith which to hold a phone] … They open up all yourmail. They throw out your letters. I mean, come on,Norm, I had to find out my brother was killed on theDiscovery Channel. …

Norm MacDonald: Oh, that – that doesn’t seemright. But– And yet, uh, the zoo cannot be that bad,though, Lenny.

Lenny the Lion: No, but I had a reputation touphold. If you’re the lion, everybody is gonna tryyou. It’s that street mentality. I had it, too. ButI’m tryin’ to change. I thought– I used to think thatif I was killin’ an ostrich or something, that was mynatural instinct. But I been discussin’ it with mycounselor. It’s not my natural instinct, Norm. It’sall about my father. You know? … I was just actingout his rage. I know that now. I understand it. Imean, one day, I just – I just did a kill, I’mstandin’ over a bloody carcass, there’s flieseverywhere, the vultures are circling, I have bloodand bone all over me, I’m roaring. And I just caughtmy reflection in the watering hole and I thought: Isthis how people see me? … Is this how I’m comin’across? I didn’t want to look at myself so I’d ratherjust kill you. So, now, I don’t hang around with otherlions. I’ll stop by and say hello. But they alwaysstart in with, “Let’s kill this one, let’s kill that.”… It’s the same conversation we were havin’ twentyyears ago! … Now, I’m tryin’ to change. I’m seein’somebody. She’s got a kid by a tiger. You know? …[applause] The kid – the kid don’t wanna listen to me’cause I’m not his real father, so we don’t get along.I still got a lot o’ guilt over my teenage daughterfrom my first mating. She’s in an abusive situationbut she don’t want to leave. … She’s with one ofthese wannabes, tryin’ to be a gangsta. He ain’t hard.I knew his family. He grew up in a game preserve. Youknow? … You’re a father, right, Norm?

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, yeah, I have a – I have ason.

Lenny the Lion: So you know how it is. I wannabreak this chain of violence that gets passed downthrough the generations.

Norm MacDonald: Oh, yeah, but it’s differentfor you, Lenny. Lenny, you’re the King of theJungle!

Lenny the Lion: If that’s how you need to seeme, Norm, okay, I’m the King of the Jungle. But Idon’t need to be the King of the Jungle for you, orthe rhinos, or the reptiles, or some “Law of Nature”hype. Bein’ the King of the Jungle’s gotten all myfriends life terms at the zoo or mounted on some richguy’s wall. Today, I can just be “Lenny” — the Lion.A part of the jungle. [quickly wraps it up] Furis murder. Thank you.

Norm MacDonald: Lenny the Lion, everybody!There he goes. [cheers and applause as Lennyexits]

In San Francisco last week, a birthday party for oneof the area’s leading political figures, attended bythe city’s Mayor, Sheriff, and members of the board ofsupervisors, culminated with a performance in which adominatrix used a razor blade to carve a satanic starinto the back of her male partner, then urinated onhim, before finally sodomizing the man with a liquorbottle. After learning of the incident from pressreports, San Franciscans expressed shock and outragethat the liquor bottle was not recycled.

In his new film, “Legionnaire,” action starJean-Claude Van Damme will join the French ForeignLegion. In the film, Van Damme is a playboy in 1920sParis who flees a mob boss after falling in love withthe man’s mistress. Also, although it doesn’t sayanything here about it, uh, I’ll bet there’s plentyof, uh — of kicking!

Tonight, we are proud to present a new feature onWeekend Update: “In Their Own Words.” As you remember,last month in the televised town meeting on kids anddrugs, President Clinton moved Peter Jennings and theaudience as well, when he said, quote, “I receive manyletters from five year old kids around the country,telling me that they are frightened and asking for myhelp.” Earlier this week the White House released thetext of some of these letters.[Photo of five year old boy] Walker D. of Connecticut,a five year old child, writes: “Dear Mr. President:When the Republicans are finished wasting taxpayermoney on their Whitewater witch hunt, perhaps they canjoin you in your efforts to protect Medicare and theenvironment and to expand the earned income taxcredit. P.S. Paula Jones was asking for it.” [Photo ofgirl] Here’s one from … from Elizabeth A. of LongIsland who wrote: “Dear President Clinton, NewtGingrich is a bad, bad man. [scattered cheers] Also,Paula Jones was asking for it.” … “In Their OwnWords.”

Under a new law passed by the State Assembly,effective next year, Michigan will set aside anallotment of hunting licenses for blind people. …This after years of relentless lobbying by deer. …They– [applause]

Good news for Hawaii! Next year, the state willreceive twenty million dollars in federal funds tohelp teach poor children how to read. Oh. [pulls outrecorder again] Note to self: Swindle poor Hawaiiansout of twenty million dollars by pretending to be aguy who teaches reading. [pockets recorder, pauses,thinks, then pulls out recorder and continues] Note toself: Before I start, also learn to read. …That will help give the scam what we like to call”credibility.” [wiggles eyebrows, nods, grins like amaniac, pockets recorder] … That’s a bigword.

A new survey by the Washington Post reports that D.C.Mayor Marion Barry’s popularity among city residentshas dropped to its lowest point in five years.However, Mayor Barry insists he has no interest inpolls or, for that matter, anything else that isn’tcrack. … He has – Really has no interest in– Whatthe hell good are polls gonna do him?

Finally, reports out of Germany continue to indicatethat David Hasselhoff is a major recording star inthat country, where his concerts routinely sell outand his albums turn platinum. Which once again provesmy old theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff! [verymild reaction from crowd]

And it’s been fun, folks! Thank you!

[Music. Applause. Norm pushes back from the desk andstarts to take the microphone off his necktie.Dissolve to the WEEKEND UPDATEgraphic.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Movie Set

David…..Mark McKinney
Herself/Mrs. Johnson…..Pamela Lee
Actor/Lawyer…..Will Ferrell
Tommy Lee/Himself…..Norm MacDonald
…..The Real Tommy Lee

[FADE IN on an office set. A lawyer sits behind a desk while Pamela Lee sits in the chair opposite. David, the director, stand above them.]

David: Okay, Pam, this is your big scene, so I want you to try and pretend that it’s all real. Okay?

[Both actors nod]

David: You ready, guys?

Actor: Yes.

Pam: Yeah.

David: [walks off] All right, let’s go for it. And… action!

[A brief, dramatic horn line plays as Pam leans forward toward the desk.]

Mrs. Johnson: [enunciating carefully] Do you think I will win my case?

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–

[Suddenly, Norm Macdonald, dressed as Tommy Lee, walks into the scene. He wears a white tank-top T-shirt, and his arms are festooned with tattoos.]

Tommy: Hey, babe! I-I-I’m going to the store. You want me to pick up somethin’?

Pam: Tommy!

David: Cut!

Tommy: [in realization] Oh, I’m sorry, dudes, man, I totally zoned! I didn’t know you were shooting!

David: Okay, look, that’s okay, Mr. Lee. But please, just stay OFF the set? Okay?

Tommy: Okay.

[He grins, points his fingers at the director, and runs off.]

David: All right. Let’s try it again, all right? And… action!

[music sting]

Mrs. Johnson: Do you think I will win my case?

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[Tommy rushes into the scene and angrily walks up to the lawyer.]

Tommy: Hey, why’d you wink at my wife?

Actor: [puzzled] What?

Tommy: I saw you winking at my wife! Why are you so winky, huh? [shoves him]

David: Hey, hey! Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!

Pam: Tommy, what are you doing?

Tommy: Hey, Pammy, you just stay out of this! Just go in my car and get my gun!

David: [impatiently] Hey, look. Get, get a hold of yourself please, Mr. Lee, he really isn’t interested in your wife. He’s not a real lawyer, this isn’t a real office, that isn’t even a real window, okay? None of this is REAL.

[Tommy blinks in confusion and then understands again.]

Tommy: Oh! Oh! I’m sorry, I, I feel like an idiot!

[He gives Pam a deep kiss on the lips and walks back off the set.]

Pam: I’m so sorry, David. He gets like that sometimes.

David: No, no, no, no, that’s okay, we’re all artists, we’re all emotional, we all like to live out loud. Okay? [walks back behind movie camera] All right, let’s take it from “bifocals.” And… action!

[music sting]

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson, justice isn’t blind, but sometimes it needs a pair of bifocals. [winks] Ah, ha, ha, ha–

[While the lawyer delivers his line, Tommy shows up in the fake window behind the lawyer. He stares out through it in wonder.]

David: Cut! Mr. Lee, why are you standing in the window?

Tommy: Oh! I, I thought you couldn’t see me through this window, ‘cause earlier you said that it wasn’t a real window!

David: No, we can see you. So please MOVE?

Tommy: Ah! [walks out of sight]

David: Okay, let’s take it from the top, okay? And… action!

[music sting]

Lawyer: Well, Mrs. Johnson–

Tommy: [hurtling in] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

[Tommy drives straight at the lawyer and hurls him out of his chair onto the floor. He starts to grab him, but two crew members hustle in and pull him off.]

Actor: Oh, God, I think he broke my nose!

Pam: Oh, Tommy, you know this is a movie, right?

Tommy: Oh, a movie! Yes!! I forgot! Hah! Hey, I didn’t know what happened, I’m sorry, there, hey, amigo, no hard feelings, huh, buddy? [shakes lawyer’s hand]

Actor: Apology accepted. I’m actually a big fan of Motley Crue.

Tommy: [happily] Oh, yeah? Rock ‘n’ roll, man, rock ‘n’ roll!

Actor: Yeah, and I’ve always really thought your wife was great, too–

Tommy: [not comprehending] Oh, thanks! [gets it] WHAT?! AGH–

[Tommy grabs the lawyer by the back of the head and pounds it on the desk over and over.]

Pam: [jumps up and down frantically] Stop it! Stop it! He doesn’t like me! Tom, he’s gay! He’s gay!

[Tommy hears her and lets him go.]

Tommy: Ah!

Actor: [dazed] I’m very, very gay… [slumps underneath desk]

Tommy: Oh, I’m sorry. [to Pam] Oh, man, I’m sorry, baby, you know, I just love you so much. You know it gets me crazy, you know…

[He leans forward and gives Pam a long soul kiss. After a few seconds, the real Tommy Lee, dressed identically to Norm MacDonald, darts onto the set and yanks Norm off her.]

Real Tommy Lee: Hey! HEY!!

[When he faces Norm, Tommy stifles a laugh, and the two smirk at each other while the audience cheers.]

Real Tommy Lee: Get your freakin’ hands off my wife!

Pam: Baby, we’re just doing a sketch.

Real Tommy Lee: [coldly] Pammy, stay out of this, baby. Go to my car and get my gun.

Norm MacDonald: [nervously] Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, I swear, uh, you know, uh, me and your wife, we’re just acting. [to Pam] Right? T-t-tell him, honey.

Real Tommy Lee: “Honey”?!

Norm MacDonald: No, no!

Real Tommy Lee: What–

[Tommy Lee starts bashing Norm MacDonald’s head over and over on the desk while Pam slumps and covers her eyes with her hand. FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

NASCAR Pamela Lee Invitational

…..Pamela Lee
Dale Jarrett…..Colin Quinn

[FADE IN on a flashing screen with the caption, “SATURDAY,” then CUT to NASCAR racing video.]

Announcer: This Saturday on ESPN2: straight from Daytona, it’s big NASCAR action. All the biggest names in stock car racing have been brought together by the woman whose name is synonymous with NASCAR: Pamela Lee. That’s right–it’s the First Annual Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally.

[SUPERIMPOSE caption over racing footage.]

Announcer: Pamela Lee knows NASCAR. And she’ll be calling all the action herself right from trackside.

[FADE to Pamela Lee standing in front of a group of spectators. She wears a headphone with a mike and a powder blue racesuit which is unzipped to show her entire cleavage.]

Pamela: We’ve got an incredible race out here today! Coming up in fourth, Brett Bodine on the inside groove! Boy, oh, boy, that new R-tail chassis he’s riding here has way more downforce trim than his old Eagle 977. Coming down the straightaway, it’s Brett Bodiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!

[Pamela leans over the fence and shakes her breasts back and forth. CUT to footage of cars racing in a very tight pack.]

Bodine: Hey, is that Pamela LEE out there? Good NIGHT! Would you look at that set of–OH, MY GOD!!!!!

[Bodine’s car gets bumped and smashes into the wall.]

Announcer: Pamela Lee plus NASCAR equals pure racing excitement.

[FADE back to Pamela at her station.]

Pamela: Well, they finally cleared Brett Bodine off the track. It looks like Rusty Wallace is slingshotting off of bend two! Here comes Wallaaaaaaaaace!! [leans over and shakes her breasts]

[CUT to Wallace driving on the outside in heavy traffic and getting rear-ended into the wall.]

Wallace: [shrieking] HEY!!! HEY, PAMELA, LOOK AT ME!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!!

[Several others crash into him, and he skids upside down in the midst of the pack. He flips back over and skids down the track with smoke pouring out behind him.]

Wallace: HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH MY GOD, I’M ON FIRE!!!!! OH, MY GOD!!!!! HEY, PAMELA, OVER HERE!!! OH, MY GOD, MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!!! PAMELA!!! I’M STILL GOING!!!

Announcer: All NASCAR’s top drivers will be there. And they are pumped!

Wallace: I’M ON FIRE!!

[FADE to Dale Jarrett in a red racesuit.]

Jarrett: I gotta tell you, this race is a really bad idea.

[FADE back to Pamela Lee at trackside.]

Pamela: [smiling] Boy, there has been a lot of crashes today! Must be a slippery track! But with five laps to go, it’s Jeff Gordooooooooooon!! Whooo!!

[She starts jumping up and down, but claps her hands to her ears and covers her mouth at the sound of squealing tires.]

Pamela: Oh! Uh-oh!

[CUT to Jeff Gordon’s car skidding sideways toward the center with its front end smashed.]

Gordon: Oh, I saw right down her shirt! It was so worth it!

[A car zooms up out of nowhere and clips his front right corner. He goes spinning as metal flies into the air.]

Gordon: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! It was still worth it! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[CUT to footage of an airborne Goodyear blimp.]

Announcer: And as always, exciting aerial views will be brought to you by the Goodyear Blimp.

[FADE to Pamela jumping up and down and waving up to the blimp. A moment later, orange light suddenly flares up, and an explosion is heard. Pamela stares up as smoke and pieces of the blimp come drifting down. Spectators duck for cover.]

Pamela: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[CUT back to opening NASCAR footage.]

Announcer: The Pamela Lee Invitational NASCAR Rally. ESPN2. This Saturday.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Thanks to Joe for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts