Author: Don Roy King

Mike Myers’ Monologue

…..Mike Myers
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”
…..Lorne Michaels

Mike Myers: Thank you. Please stop. It’s great to be back. When I left the show, I took a little time out. Spent time with my family, made a movie called “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”, which opens May 2nd. And when I was making Austin Powers – which opens May 2nd – Lorne said, “When you’re done, why don’t you come back and host the show?” And I thought, “Host? Me? No.” See, it was a dream of mine to be on the show since I was a kid. And I had the fortune of spending six unbelievable years here. But I thought I’d never host. Nah. Then I thought, “Wait. A lot of former cast members have come back to host. Chevy. Dan. Bill Murray. And now: me!”

[ Tracy Morgan, Cheri Oteri, Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon surround Mike ]

[ singing ]
“I can’t believe I’m up here now.
I’m doing the monologue.
My head is reeling,
I’m in a fog..”

[ stops singing ]

Hold on, something’s wrong. Molly, why are you so down?

Molly Shannon: My Fortune Teller sketch got cut tonight.

Mike Myers: That’s right. Some sketches get cut after dress rehearsal.

Molly: Yeah, now I’m barely going to be in the show!

Mike: Well, gosh.. if anyone knows how that feels, it sure is me.

[ singing ]
“See, I was like
you guys, too.”Cast: [ singing ]
“We’re in the cast from week to week
Hoping for a chance to speak.”

Mike Myers: [ singing ]
But now I’m in..”

Come on, guys! [ jumps off the stage ]

“..the entire show.
They can’t take that away from me.
I’m the host; I got to be!”

Cast: “Now you know what total bliss is like!”

: “It’s hosting, it’s hosting, yeah!”

SNL Transcripts

Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly

Andy Gray…..Mike Myers
Ian Daglers…..Mark McKinney
Kevin McCracker…..Jim Breuer

[ open on ESPN2 graphic ]

Announcer: You’re watching ESPN2 – The Deuce! Coming up later on The Deuce: Senior Women’s Beach Lacrosse, from Sandusky, Ohio. But, right now, stay tuned for Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly.

[ dissolve to random scenes of soccer hooliganism ]

Voiceover Jingle: “Scottish! Soccer! Hooligan! Weekly!”

[ product graphics appear as they are mentioned ]

Andy Gray V/O: Brought to you by.. Doc Marten boots; stylish, and stronger than a dane’s head. Also brought to you by.. Bollock’s Weiners; you can’t have a weiner unless you have Bollock’s! Also, brought to you by.. Delta; we love to fly, and it shows.

[ dissolve to Andy and Ian sittng behind table of their set ]

Andy Gray: Hello! And welcome to “Scottish Soccer Hooligan Weekly”! I’m your host, Andy Gray!

Ian Daglers: [ speaks haggardly throughout ] And I’m your other host, Ian Daglers! Hey!

Andy Gray: Ah, alright then, tonight’s topics are: “Effigies: Are They Worth The Effort?” Why not just get the real guy?!

Ian Daglers: Very good point!

Andy Gray: And, uh, “Braveheart”; what battle tactics could we learn from this cinematic masterpiece?

Ian Daglers: Hey!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get down to it, because I’m piss drunk, and I’m gonna be sick!

Ian Daglers: Why do ya suppose it is that, uh.. that soccer and pissing go so well together, hey?!

Andy Gray: Well, ah think the soccer piss actually acts as some sort of powerful gastric mag-a-net!

Ian Daglers: Hey! What?

Andy Gray: What do you mean, what?

Ian Daglers: I don’t know then, do I?

Andy Gray: Ah, piss off!

Ian Daglers: Hey, you piss off, you wee girl!

Andy Gray: [ a change of heart in his attitude ] Alright, don’t be like that.. give us a kiss, come on.. [ reaches his arms to Ian lovingly, then smashes his skull into Ian’s nose ]

Ian Daglers: Ow!! [ grabs hand to nose and lowers head, raises it back up to reveal a serious blood flow ] Oh.. oh.. oh, Christ, you broke my nose again, you wee bastard!!

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get to our next topic, because I’m so bevy I’m gonna honk! And I’m gonna paint this room like an esophageal Jackson Pollock canvas! Which brings us to our next topic: Odd Items That I Found In My Vomit After Soccer Riots.

[ graphic ]

Andy Gray: Quiz me!

Ian Daglers: Right! Scotland vs. Spain, 1995!

Andy Gray: Ah, that’s easy! Buttons! I found buttons! [ reaches below desk, and drops a packet of buttons onto the counter ]

Ian Daglers: [ surprised ] Hey?

Andy Gray: Aye! A combination of sunstroke and a magnum of Bailey’s Irish Cream had caused me to go on a machete-wielding rampage through the local marts and Spencer’s.. where, according to a police report, I had eaten a plush toy!

Ian Daglers: Was it, a.. Paddington Bear toy, then?

Andy Gray: Aye, it was, actually.

Ian Daglers: How’d it taste?

Andy Gray: Ah, better than you’d think.

Ian Daglers: Hey! I’ve done that. Quiz me!

Andy Gray: Ah, alrighty.. Scotland vs. the Camaroons, 1989.

Ian Daglers: Oh.. oh, I do have a story, but, uh.. it came out my ass!

Andy Gray: [ offscreen ] Judges? [ acceptance bell rings ] Press on!

Ian Daglers: Okay.. uh, after the game, I extracted a piece of the comet Carhutex from my large intestines. Apparently, I had stumbled into the Geological Museum in Aberdeen, and somehow wound up with a piece of an infrequently-returning comet in my rectal chamber, hey!

Andy Gray: If I had a pound for every time that’s happened to me, Jimmy.. I’d have five pounds. Moving on, for those of you heading to the continent for the European Finals, let’s bring on our resident expert of the fighting styles of the various countries!

Ian Daglers: Yes! Please welcome Kevin McCracker!

[ theme music pots up, as Kevin McCracker enters studio to exorbitant enthusiasm from Andy and Ian ]

Andy Gray: Alright, let’s get to it, Kevin..

Ian Daglers: Let’s do it!

Andy Gray: We’ll tell you the country, if you give us the fighting style of said country, starting with Holland.

Kevin McCracker: Fifers.

Ian Daglers: France!

Kevin McCracker: Stompers.

Andy Gray: Belgium!

Kevin McCracker: Soft heads..

Ian Daglers: Uh.. Germany!

Kevin McCracker: That reminds me.. of a time that I ws taken with an old German man. I was talking to him, and he was walking his dog. Suddenly, he says to me.. “May the best.. team.. win..”

[ Andy and Ian slam their steins down, angry at the quote ]

Andy Gray: Bastard!

Ian Daglers: Yeah, he did!

Andy Gray: Bastard!

Ian Daglers: He did!

Kevin McCracker: So! I beat that Nazi bastard to death with his own Shih tzu!

Ian Daglers: [ confused ] A Shih tzu?!

Andy Gray: Ah, ah, ah.. you’d be surprised what you can do with a wee dog.

Ian Daglers: Aye..

Kevin McCracker: Hey, uh.. but if properly applied-

[ they all start talking uncomprehensibly at once ]

Kevin McCracker: But still, I’ve gotta say.. I like the Germans.. they’ve got hard heads!

Andy Gray: I totally agree. I still can’t get over what that retarded German chap did to Monica Seles – now that was first-rate hooliganism!

Ian Daglers: Oh, ya!

Kevin McCracker: That was great!

Andy Gray: Aye. We should really wrap this up. Alright.. join us this weekend, for the Scotland vs. Ireland match, where all professional hooligans will be rooting for..

[ Andy & Ian yell, “Scotland!” as Kevin simultaneously yells, “Ireland!” ]

Ian Daglers: What?!

Andy Gray: Did you say Ireland?

Kevin McCracker: Yeah, I said Ireland! I’m Irish!

Ian Daglers: [ dumbfounded ] Irish?! What are you doin’ on this show, you beady-eyed bastard! Hey!

Andy Gray: No, no, no, no.. come on, everyone’s welcome on this show.. Give us a kiss.. [ reaches his arms to Kevin lovingly, then raises his knee and smashes it into Kevin’s nose ]

[ vomit ]

Ian Daglers: Hey! Hey! How do you feel?

Andy Gray: Ahhh.. better out than in, I always say.

Ian Daglers: [ reaches into Andy’s vomit ] Hey, look! Look what you puked up!

Andy Gray: Ah, it’s my specs! That’s where they went! [ grabs the puke-soaked glasses, puts them on his face ]

Together: [ singing ] “I can see clearly now, my specs are back..!”

Andy Gray: Alright, look at the time.. that’s the end of the show. And I’m Andy Gray!

Ian Daglers: Amd I’m Ian Daglers! Hey!

Andy Gray: Piss off!

Ian Daglers: Hey! Piss off, now!

Andy Gray: [ reaches hand to mouth, worriedly ] Oh, it comes in twos.. it comes in twos..

[ Andy relieves a massive puking spree once more, as the theme music pots up and the title graphic appears on the screen ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Sprockets

Dieter…..Mike Myers
Helmut…..Will Ferrell

Announcer V/O: [ over scattered title graphics ] “Sprockets”. “Sprockets”. West German Television presents.. “Sprockets”. With your host, Dieter.

[ dissolve to the main “Sprockets” set, as Dieter steps out, dressed as usual in solid black, with slicked back hair in ponytail and glasses ]

Dieter: Velcome to “Sprockets”, I am your host Dieter. [ wild aplause from audience ] Thank you very much for your kind applause on my entrance. I always like a warm hand on my opening. Vell, it’s Oscar time, and I am as happy as a little girl! [ pulls nipple areas of his shirt to mime false boobies ] Ve here at “Sprockets” vould like to present our own alternative Academy Awards show. It is called.. The Insane Academy Awards.

V/O: [ with graphics ] The Insane Academy Awards! [ grueling scream ]

Dieter: Helping me tonight is fellow insane film enthusiast – and my luv-er – Helmut! Please welcome.. Helmut Vosh!

[ Helmut, a talll, lankish, manly-looking woman, enters the set, locking into a warm embrace with Dieter ]

Dieter: Stop. [ they separate ] Before I begin.. would you like to touch my monkey?

Helmut: I vill touch him!

Dieter: Touch him! Love him!

Helmut: [ rtouches the monkey’s paw ] There, I did it.

Dieter: Now.. was that so hard? Sit! Helmut sits ] How do you answer the rumors that you are a sily bitch?!

Helmut: [ a pause ] I embrace them.

Dieter: Right! Let us get on to this year’s Insane Academy Awards! Helmut, would you like to explain how we selected this year’s nominees?

Helmut: [ quickly ] No!

[ Dieter’s monkey begins to go out of control, making faces at him and Helmut, so Dieter makes his own monkey faces right back, laughing hysterically at their antics ]

Dieter: If you don’t comply, then no tossed salad for you, Missy!

Helmut: The nominees were randomly selected for no good reason. The names came to us from the part of the brain that exists in the nether region between sleep and terror.

Dieter: Very well! The Insane Academy nominees are: [ each cast nominee is accompanied by a doctored photo of the fake actor in the fake motion picture production ] Best Supporting Actor in a Drama: Mason Reese, “A Few Good Men”.

Helmut: I guess he couldn’t handle ze truth?

Dieter: Or the morgashbord. Gavin McLeod, in “Sounder”.

Helmut: Captain Stubing never had it so good.

Dieter: And, finally, Martha Raye in “Network”. “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to clean my dentures any more.”

Helmut: And! The vinner is:

Dieter: A bag of woodchips in “The China Syndrome”! [ they clap ] Now, let’s move on to the ladies.

Helmut: Best Supporting Actress in a Drama or Training Film: Kay Lenz, “Gandhi”.

Dieter: Karen Valentine, “Jumanji”.

Helmut: And I’ll have Charlie Weaver to block.

Dieter: And the vinner is: Dan Rather, “Big”! [ they clap ] Best Shegro in a Musical: Rae Dawn Chong, “The Music Man”.

Helmut: Peter Ustinov, “Bye Bye Birdie”.

Dieter: And Denzel Washington in “Yentl”. And the vinner is.. ah! We have a tie! George Jetson for “My Left Foot”, and The Fonz for “Tora! Tora! Tora!” Sit on it, Potsie!

Helmut: Now, moving on.. Best Treatable Disease in a Drama or Travelogue:

Dieter: Crohn’s Disease, “Midnight Cowboy”!

Helmut: Scoliosis, “Moonstruck”.

Dieter: Your categories have become tiresome! Now is the time on “Sprockets” vhen ve dance!

[ the Sprocket dancers enter set and begin to dance rhythmically to the “Sprockets” theme ]

Dieter: That’s all the time we have on “Sprockets”! My guest has been my luv-er, Helmut. [ Dieter stands next to the monstruously tall Helmut, raising his head as Helmut lowers hers, so that their heads touch ] My name is Dieter. Auf wierdersen!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Tito Jackson Album

Tito Jackson…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: You remember him from such groups as The Jackson Five, and The Jacksons! But now, look out, America, ’cause he’s on his own!

[ dissolve to Tito Jackson strumming his guitar ]

Tito Jackson: Hi! I’m Tito Jackson! You know, the heavyset fellow from The Jackson Fives? I played bass and didn’t sing much, and I know what you’re thinking – he’s just another jealous, disgruntled older brother who wants some of his younger brother’s money. [ abruptly stops strumming ] You damn right! That’s why I put together my own CD: “I Gotta Eat, Too!”

Announcer: Written, produced, and performed by Tito Jackson. “I Gotta Eat, Too” offers up all of Tito’s famous bass lines. Like..

[ Tito strums a familiar Jackson Five bass line ]

Tito Jackson: [ singing ] “I want you back!”

Announcer: You’ll also get this classic from Tito:

[ Tito strums a riff that’s not quite recognizable, until: ]

Announcer: Yeees! “Benny & The Jets”! And what about this bass line favorite:

[ Tito strums another unfamiliar bass riff ]

Announcer: That’s right, it’s “The Theme From Barney Miller”! And if you act now, you’ll receive not only the new CD “I Gotta Eat, Too”, but you’ll also get Tito’s new video: “I Told You I Need To Eat, Fool!” Where you can see all the famous dance moves Michael Jackson stole from Tito. Performed by the master himself – Tito!

[ Tito dances to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, until he’s forced to take a seat and catch his breath with help from an oxygen mask ]

Announcer: Send $19.95 to Tito Jackson, I Gotta Eat Too, P.O. Box 12000, Empire Station, New York New York.

Tito Jackson: Hey..! What’s y’all waiting on..? I gotta eat, too!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Maya Angelou Endorses Pennzoil

Maya Angelou…..David Alan Grier

Announcer: And now, Maya Angelou… for Pennzoil motor oil.

[The poet stands in front of Pennzoil logo, holding the product.]

Maya Angelou:
The Pharaoh, the serpentine Nile,
Grecian grottoes marked by eons passing,
Pennzoil.
The choice of champions.
Rick Mears, four-time Indy winner
O! Magic shining ewer of liquid ball bearings
Battling armies of viscosity and thermalbreakdown.
Pennzoil! Change oil!
Every five thousand miles.
Keep out of reach of children.
Pennzoil is a registered trademark!
Freedom.

Announcer: This has been Maya Angelou for Pennzoil motor oil.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Both Sides with Jesse Jackson

Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond
Maxine Waters…..David Alan Grier
Johnnie Cochran…..Tim Meadows
Kincaid…..Ana Gasteyer

Jessie Jackson: Welcome to “Both Sides”. The debate over Ebonics – or Black English – is rapidly becoming an issue of the day. Is Ebonics an actual language, or is it just black slang. We must all agree our children must learn basic grammar.. subject-verb conjugation.. spelling.. syntax.. punctuation.. pronouns, adverbs, modifiers, clauses, commas and semicolons help provide.. [ pause ] ..pauses. What’s imperative, and what’s declarative? What’s interrogative? It’s my prerogative. From the upside-down, not Bobbby Brown. Jibbity-jibbity, and rat-a-a-tat-tat. Joining me today in support of Ebonics, Democratic congresswoman Maxine Walters.

Maxine Waters: Pleased to be here.

Jessie Jackson: From our Los Angeles bureau, opposing Ebonics, Defense Attorney Johnnie Cochran.

Johnnie Cochran: This is an outrage!

Jessie Jackson: And, from New York, representing M-TV, which, for years, has been corrupting the English language, political analyst Kincaid.

Kincaid: Oh, my God! Give me five! Reverend Jackson! Oh, my God! That’s totally likeThe Jackson Five! I love that! [ sings from “A.B.C.” ] Oh, my God, I can’t believe I remembered that song, that’s hilarious! What was Tito’s deal?

Jessie Jackson: [ confused ] I have no idea. [ pause ] Congresswoman Waters, you represent a district in Los Angeles considering teaching Ebonics. Could you speak a little now for us and translate, as well.

Maxine Waters: Certainly. To say in Ebonics, “Newt Gingrich is unelectable, and should resign,” it would go: “Gingrich, he be had that Contract with America, but now he off da hizzy, so him ain’t ever be playin’ in the white crib, y’all!”

Johnnie Cochran: Now, Congresswoman Waters, you know, that’s an outrageous statement! How can you show such disrespect for the English language? I’d be a failure at my job if I didn’t speak English good!

Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman, do you believe our government should play a role in officially promoting Ebonics?

Maxine Waters: Jesse, I don’t trust the United States government! The CIA is currently smuggling drugs from Nicaragua, and spreading them in our African-American communities! Not to mention, the FBI single-handedly stopping the Buffalo Bills from winning the Superbowl!

Johnnie Cochran: Now that statement was an outrage! You have to be a damn fool to believe that the police could be involved in a conspiracy against African-Americans! That’s prepostorous!

Jessie Jackson: Uh, Johnnie, we’re not talking drugs, crackpipes, the chronics.. we’re here to discuss our subject, language – Ebbabonics.

Kincaid: Oh, my God! Jesse! Can I just say something? It’s like, Ebonics is a way of educating society on cultural sensitivity. And we’re, like, in a nation right now where it’s hard for blacks to hit the big time. You know, not everyone’s the Jeffersons. Oh, my God, “The Jeffersons”! Like, “Moving on up, moving on up. To the East Side, to the East Side!” Oh, my God! You guys made me remember that song! That is totally hilarious! Remember Weezy?

Johnnie Cochran: Weezy was an outrage!

Jessie Jackson: Congresswoman Waters, what can we do with our unloved, unwanted, uneducated young people, who lack the skills to get a real job – like Kincaid, for example?

Maxine Waters: Well, this issue is explosive. I found that out on my fact-finding trip to Nicaragua.

Kincaid: Oh, my God, did you just say “explosive”! Like, “Dy-no-mite!” Oh, my God, I’m like so J.J. Walker!

Maxine Waters: Kincaid, you are inappropriate, annoying, and misinformed! Or, to say that in Ebonics: “Bitch, you be trippin’!”

Jessie Jackson: At this time, I think you point out one of the problems with Ebonics. It perpetuates linguistic abuse from generation to generation, mother to daughter, father to son.

Kincaid: Oh, my God, that’s like so totally father and son, like “Sanford & Son”! Like.. [ hums theme song ] Oh, my God! “It’s the big one! It’s the big one!” Oh, my God, Fred Sandford is like total genius, I love that!

Jessie Jackson: Kincaid, your racial bias is quite ironic, as we try to discuss Ebony-bonic.

Kincaid: Oh, my God, you guys, did you hear that! That was, like, so totally cool! Hew totally sound like, you know, one of the teachers on Charlie Brown! It’s like.. [ mimics non-speaking teacher noises ] Oh, my God! I’m, like, totally been gleened on Charlie Brown reruns! And oh my God, you guys! Rerun! Remember Rerun? It’s like.. [ hums “What’s Happenin’?” theme ]

Jessie Jackson: Kincaid.. Kincaid.. girl, shut your mouth!! Young lady, now we’re just about out of time. Any final thoughts?

Maxine Waters: Yes. I have evidence that Kincaids was constructed by the CIA, as a terrorist action against urban minorities.

Kincaid: “Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?!”

Johnnie Cochran: [ outraged ] Now, come on now! Terrorist action.. me hiding a bloody knife somewhere in my Brentwood apartment.. This is a bunch of nonsense!

Jessie Jackson: Bu-bu-bu-but, Johnnie.. we’re not talking about a bloody knife.

Johnnie Cochran: I rest my case.

Jessie Jackson: Great. Ladies and gentlemen, we are about out of time. Join us next week on “Both Sides”, when we will discuss another topic. And, until that time, keep hope alive.

SNL Transcripts

Death Row Bloopers & Practical Jokes

Priest…..David Alan Grier
Warden…..Chris Kattan
First Prisoner…..Will Ferrell
Second Prisoner…..Tracy Morgan
Guard…..Jim Breuer

Announcer: And now, from the creaters at Fox comes a hilarious new video – “Death Row Bloopers & Practical Jokes”. This laugh-packed tape includes actual incidents from real-life death rows. Like this one from the Huntsville Correctional Facility:

[ prisoner is led to the electric chair. When he sits down, the chair collapses underneath him, as the room laughs. ]

Announcer: And this tape, sent to us from the Raleigh State Prison from Raleigh, New Jersey:

[ Priest reads finla rites to Second Prisoner ]

Priest: “God, our father.. look upon us with love.. You remede us..” uh.. excuse me. “You.. remede us..” [ tries to control his laughter ] Sorry! [ clears throat ] “God, our fogger..” [ can no longer control his laughter ] Did I just say “fogger”? [ still laughing ] I know this is a difficult time!

Announcer: You’ll be laughing as hard as Sgt. Carl Mueller, when he sent us this clip from Marion Federal Penitentiary:

[ Warden stands over First Prisoner, who is not breathing ]

Warden: He’s not breathing. [ checks closer ] Yeah.. he’s dead.

First Prisoner: [ releases breath and starts to pant, with a smile on his face ]

Warden: Oh.. [ starts laughing ]

First Prisoner: [ laughing ] I almost had you!

Warden: [ laughing ] You dog, you! How long were you holding your breath!

First Prisoner: [ laughing ] It felt like ten minutes!

Warden: [ laughing ] Okay, let’s zap him again!

First Prisoner: What?! [ jumps from the sudden surge of electricity ]

Announcer: And you’ll also see this clip, where a condemend murderer enjoys his last meal:

[ Guard enters cell with trayful of food, then trips and spills the food all over the prisoner ]

Priest: [ laughing uproariously, as Second Prisoner fumes angrily ]

Announcer: You’ll never look at Death Row the same way again, after you’ve seen this tape.

[ a prisoner sits in an electric chair, as the switch is pulled. Water splashes the prisoner from above, as the room laughs at him. ]

Announcer: Send only $9.95. Order today.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 22: Episode 11

96k: David Alan Grier / Snoop Doggy Dogg

TV Funhouse

Father…..Stephen Colbert
Timmy…..Tyler Jones
Mother…..Laura Tietjen

FADE IN:

SUPER: WHEATY – THE WHEATEN TERRIER

INSERT HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THE AFOREMENTIONED WHEATY, SITTING ON ALL FOURS.WHEATY BARKS OFF-SCREEN.

INT. 1950’s LIVING ROOM – DAY

A late 30’s FATHER reads the newspaper in his leather lounge chair, smoking a pipe. A MOTHER, same age range, spreads chocolate frosting on a cake. Their son, TIMMY, young and blond, races in.

Timmy: Wow! Is that cake almost ready?

Mother: Timmy, it’s for the bake sale.

The father removes his pipe.

Father: That’s right, trying to raise money to repair the road. Even Wheaty’s helping out.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GLANCING AROUND IN A DIFFERENT LIVING ROOM. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

Mother: I think Wheaty wants to eat the cake.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE, TIME STAMPED, NOV. 14 1996, OF WHEATY CHEWING ON A RUBBER TOY SHOE. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

Father: What’s wrong, girl?

Timmy: I think Wheaty’s trying to tell us something.

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY LYING ON HER SIDE IN A PRIOR SEEN LIVING ROOM. The father rises from his chair and moves closer with Timmy at his side.

Father: Grandpa’s in trouble!?

Timmy: Where is he!?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY, TIME STAMPED, OCT. 23 1996, EATING DOG FOOD. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

EXT. 1950’s HOUSE – DAY

Timmy and Father race down the front steps.

Father: You take us to him, girl!

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY LICKING HER PRIVATES ON THE FLOOR. WHEATY BARKS O/S.

EXT. OPEN FIELD – 1950’s – DAY

Timmy’s on his bicycle with his father running alongside.

Timmy: Hurry Wheaty!

Father: Keep going girl! We’re right behind you!

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY DRINKING WATER OUT OF A TOILET. WHEATY BARKS O/S. Timmy and his father pull GRANDPA from being pinned under a pick-up truck.

Timmy: You’re going to be okay, Grandpa.

Grandpa: How on Earth did you find me?

Father: We never would have been able to without Wheaty.

All three stare off OFF-SCREEN. CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GETTING HUMPED BY A GOLDEN RETRIEVER ON A NEW YORK CITY SIDEWALK. Mother arrives in a police car. A SHERIFF and DEPUTY depart the vehicle at the same time as her.

Father: Pretty fast service, Sheriff.

Sheriff: Your wife told us to follow Wheaty. That’s a pretty good dog to help get us here.

Mother: Maybe she can get you to fix the road?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE OF WHEATY GETTING BATHED AND SCRUBBED IN SOAP. WHEATY BARKS O/S. Everyone chuckles.

Sheriff: Well, I guess that makes it unanimous. We’ll try to stir things up with the State Road Authority.

Timmy: You sure stirred things up! Right, Wheaty?

CUT TO HOME VIDEO FOOTAGE, TIME STAMPED NOV. 9 1996, OF WHEATY STARING AT A RUBBER BONE ON HER LIVING ROOM FLOOR. WHEATY BARKS O/S. QUICK DISSOLVE TO WHEATY, HAVING HER PAW HELD BY OWNER, WAVING GOODBYE.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

David Alan Grier’s Monologue

…..David Alan Grier

David Alan Grier: Thanks a lot! [ chuckles ] You know, it is so great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”. now, as you know, Monday is President Clinton’s inauguration.

Random Audience Member Reaction: Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. he’s going to serve his second term, and I’m proud to say that I voted for Clinton – uh, George Clinton, because I thought we needed some P-Funk in da White House! Anyway, a lot of celebrities have been invited to participate. In fact, I wrote a song for the occasion. So, since I have a live audience right here, I thought tonight would be a perfect time for me to sing the song I’m hoping to do at the Inaugural.

[ music pots up ]

David Alan Grier: Alright, now let’s slow it down. Mr. President. Ahhhhh, yeahhhh! You know, tonight is all about Y-O-U. So, sit back and put down that Arch Deluxe that you’re chewing too fast. That’s right.

Tonight, make your home state of Arkansas real proud. Arkansas! Home of that banjo player from “Deliverance”. You know, the big-headed boy – he scares me!

But, you, my man, you inspire me, Mr. President. The way you grab an issue and then, real slow, switch positions over and over and over again! Man, that feels good!

And let’s not forget about the First-Lady – hey, girl! You know, you two make the perfect couple. You and Bill are the Peaches & Herb of the free world.

Now, you know, I know I’ve been talking a little bit too much. So, I guess, what I really want to say is..

[ singing ]

“Let’s get butt-naked in the White House
Ahhhhh, we’re gonna pass some legislation
and sign a new Health Care Bill.

Newt Gringrich, butt-naked!
The whole Congress, butt-naked!
Strom Thurmond, don’t you get naked at the free party!
Free party, up on Capitol Hill!”

Thank you so much! Now, we got a great show – Snoop Doggy Dogg is in the hizzouse! So, stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
…..Colin Quinn

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Good evening! I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

Our top story tonight: Late yesterday, the House subcommittee investigating Newt Gingrich finally issued its long-awaited report, recommending that the Speaker be given a reprimand and a $300,000 fine for “minor ethical violations”. Gingrich has promised to come up with the money promptly, although he admits it is going to involve “giant ethical violations”.

This week, in arguments before the Supreme Court, lawyers for President Clinton asked that the sexual harrassment suit, brought by Paula Jones, be delayed until he leaves office. According to Clinton’s attorney, “If the President were hauled into court every time some nut accused him of sexual harrassment, he’d have no time to ‘scare up tail'”.

Norm MacDonald: He likes scaring up the tail! Okay!

In dramatic testimony this week at his civil trial, O.J. Simpson said he didn’t commit suicide only because, “My mother told me you don’t go to heaven if you kill yourself.” Oddly, his mother did say, “It’s okay to kill other people.”

This week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson called for an end to his boycott of auto maker Mitsubishi, citing improvements in job opportunities for minorities, and also the fact that he couldn’t find a word that rhymes with Mitsubishi.

Norm MacDonald: The controversy surrounding Michael Irving continues. Here with a commentary, our good friend Colin Quinn. Hey, Col!

Colin Quinn: Thank you, Norm. Thank you, folks. Thank you. So now the media has falsely accused Michael Irving. We all thought he was guilty, and now we owe him an apology. I’m not going to apologize to him! Why should? Nobody ever apologizes to me for anything! I’ll apologize to him when the people that owe me an apology, apologize to me!

But he is right about the hypocrisy over his indiscretions, because, let’s face it, we’ve all been there. It’s five o’clock in the morning, you’ve done a quarter-ounce of coke in under two hours, and there’s two prostitutes ripping your hotel room apart looking for the rest of the stash.. meanwhile, you’re lying on the bathroom floor, the bathtub is overflowing, but you can’t get up to turn the water off, your nose is bleeding, you’re sweating , you can’t stop crying, your heart stops beating every thirty seconds, and you’re thinking, “Am I gonna be able to play football today?” And, of course, when these incidents happen, we all ask ourselves the same question: “Was it a white girl?”

Now, the Cowboys are saying, “We didn’t know he had a drug problem.” Really? Do you know a lot of people not on drugs who wear gold suits? He’s supposed to be sitting on the sidelines inspiring his team, he looks like he should be shooting pool with Starsky & Hutch. So what I’m saying is yes, the media’s wrong to spend so much time talking about Michael Irving. But, on the other hand, if you don’t want people to talk about you, don’t dress like Krystal Carrington.

So, Michael, you don’t get your apology. But at least, you should be happy – your scandals involve real girls. Look at someone like Richard Jewell. He’s the one who deserves an apology. The cops searched his house, they said they found a housegul of porno. The whole country knows he’s collecting porno, and, you know.. I mean, he can’t even touch himself in peace! You want to talk about a violation of civil rights. I mean, that’s every guy’s worst nightmare, right? When you’re a teenager, and you’d be playing with yourself, you look outside the window and there’s 500 cops standing there, telling you to come out with your hands up! So, Richard Jewell, you deserve an apology!

Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody! Colin Quinn. I owe Colin an apology, I thought that piece would die!

In New York, state-of-the-art self-cleaning toilets may soon appear on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their enthusiasm for the outdoor toilets, noting that they are very easy to urinate on.

Finally, according to the U.S. News & World Report 1997 Career Guide, the bet job in the United States, for the second year in a row, is Interactive Business System Analyst. However, last year’s worst job, Assistant Crack Whore, has been replaced by a new worst job: Crack Whore Trainee.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is. Good night, folks!

SNL Transcripts