Author: Don Roy King

Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker

Raoul de la Garza y Baca…..Michael McKean
Spanish Boy…..Jay Mohr
Spanish Girl…..Morwenna Banks
Matt Foley…..Chris Farley

[ open on exterior, ranch house in Mexico ]

[ SUPER: “Villa of wealthy landowner, Raoul de la Garza y Baca, Venezuela” ]

[ dissolve to interior, living room ]

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Children! I am at the end of my patience with you!

Spanish Girl: Oh, be quiet, old man, no one cares what you think any more.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Silence! I am your father, and I demand your respect! Since I am unable to get through to you, I have decided to take strong measures! I have sent for the United States, to enlist the services of what is known as a Motivational Speaker! Perhaps he can succeed where I have failed. He’s been in the basement all morning chewing on cocoa leaves! Please give your undivided attention to Senor Matt Foley!

[ Matt Foley runs out from the basement into living room, grabbing at his pants to keep them from falling ]

Matt Foley: Hola ninos! Me llamo Matt Foley! Y yo soy un motivational speaker! Yo tengo treceta y cinco años, yo [messes up: yoy] soy tres divorciano, y yo vivo en “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO.

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, if you will excuse me – both my children and myself speak excellent English.

Matt Foley: Padre, dame un favor, y callate su grande YAPPER![Turns to children] Muchachos, yo comprendo que ustedes beben Tequila, (Whoo! [making hand motions]) fumen marijuana, y bailan el flamenco! [Dances]. Pronto, ustedes flamenco en un “VAN” CERCA DE UN RIO!

Spanish Boy: Senor Foley, where’d you study Spanish, Taco Bell? [ laughs ]

Matt Foley: Muy comico! Dios freakin’ mio! Es un regular PaulRodriguez? [Turns to Raul] Mis ojos not too good, es Paul Rodriguez? Huh? Es Paul Rodriguez? Huh?

Raoul de la Garza y Baca: Senor Foley, with respect, I think you are simply confusing my children.

Matt Foley: [Softly] Dad, kindly shut your damn FLAN HOLE!!! [Turns to children] Now, kids, in my next part of my talk, I’m gonna be laying some heavy concepts on ya. So from here on out, I’m gonna dispense with the Español and continue with the English. ‘Cause my Spanish a’int so good since I gave up DRUGS! [Laughs]

Spanish Girl: Good idea.

Matt Foley: Alrighty, now, you get bull fights down here, am I right, young fellow?

Spanish Boy: Si.

Matt Foley: Then, get up here! Let’s do a little role-playing! [Boy stands up, Matt Foley takes off jacket] Now, I’m the bull, see? And I represent the troubles and temptations facing a yound fella like yourself! And you’re the matador, armed with only a positive mental attitude, and the goings-on gets going on. [Steps back] Here I come, a snortin’ and a fussin’! Here I come, here I come![Snorts like a bull, charges at Spanish Boy, crashing into plants and vases] Alright,youngster, you want to play hardball? Let’s go at it!! [charges at Spanish Boy, but crashes into more plants ] Here I come! [ crashes into the coffee table ] I wanna show you what Americana is all about!! [charges, but crashes through the wall]. Whoopsie daisy! Well, “vivo de Nueva York, ES SABADO NOCHE!”

SNL Transcripts

Melanie Babysits

Mrs. Henderson…..Molly Shannon
Dr. Henderson…..Chris Elliot
Melanie…..Mark McKinney

[ open on the Hendersons entering their living room after a night out together ]

Mrs. Henderson: Did you notice – at the restaurant – how much weight Martha had gained?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. yeah.. she.. gained a lot of weight..

Mrs. Henderson: I mean, I thought I was bad, you know?

Dr. Henderson: [ feigning content ] Well, uh.. more of you to love?

Mrs. Henderson: Ohhhh, you! So.. sweet.. [ attempts to initiate intimacy ]

Dr. Henderson: [ fends her off ] Alright.. okay.. that’s fine.. okay.. yes.. fine..

[ Melanie enters from kitchen ]

Melanie: Hi, Dr. Henderson! Hi, Mrs. Henderson!

[ cue sax solo, as Dr. Henderson’s viewpoint scopes out Melanie from bottom to top ]

Melanie: So, did you have a good time?

Dr. Henderson: [ excited ] Yes! Yes, we did have a good time, a very good time!

Mrs. Henderson: Melanie, I’m gonna call you a cab right away. How were the kids, did you have a problem?

Melanie: Uh, no. Emily is so adorable! And, I gotta tell you something, Jason did the cutest thing – he didn’t want to go to bed, so he started pretending he was a puppy, and I had to chase him up and down the stairs until he got tired!

Dr. Henderson: [ interested ] Oh! Up and down those stairs, right there?

Melanie: Yeah! On all fours!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles with delight ] On all fours!

Melanie: Just like a dog!

Dr. Henderson: Ah, just like a dog?

Melanie: Yeah!

Dr. Henderson: Honey, I’m gonna go ahead and drive Melanie home, okay?

Melanie: I-I-I can take a cab..

Dr. Henderson: Oh, no, don’t be silly – it’s cold outside! I’ll drive you home, it’s no problem!

Mrs. Henderson: Oh.. well, okay, Tom. But as long as you promise to hurry home, ’cause, remember, you still owe me that “special” birthday present, eh? [ expresses excitement ]

Dr. Henderson: Ah.. okay.. no, I can’t wait for that.. Uh, Melanie, are you all done?

Melanie: Yeah! I got my homework books right here. I was doing my math – yuck!

Dr. Henderson: Oh, math! That’s funny, Melanie, you know, I hated math, too.

Melanie: Really?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I did.

Melanie: Were you bad at it?

Dr. Henderson: I couldn’t get a hand on it, isn’t that something? I just thought you were gonna like that one..

[ they exit through the front door ]

Mrs. Henderson: [ yelling after them ] Bye-bye, Melanie! I’ll call your mom and let her know you’re on your way home! Alright, hurry home, Tom! [ laughs ]

[ dissolve to Dr. Henderson driving Melanie home, upbeat tempo music surrounding them ]

Dr. Henderson: So.. Melanie.. all in all, I wouldn’t say it’s a “happy” marriage..

Melanie: Oh, God.. poor Dr. Henderson..

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. that’s very sweet of you, Melanie. You see, uh.. my wife is.. older that I am.. she’s 45.

Melanie: Oh, my God, that’s so gross and old!

Dr. Henderson: You’re right, it is.. gross and, and old.. But, enough about me. Let me hear a little something about yourself.

Melanie: About me?

Dr. Henderson: Sure.

Melanie: Okay.. um.. um.. in school, um.. I like to run, I mean I’m on the running team, the track and field team – God, I keep forgetting that name!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles heartily ]

Melanie: Anyway.. so, I like to run, and they say I have a lot of energy.

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. you look like you’re in good shape.

Melanie: Yeah. Do you wanna see my legs?

Dr. Henderson: [ hesitant ] Well.. no, I don’t..

Melanie: No, it’s okay – I’ve got good legs!

Dr. Henderson: Well, alright, I will! [ feels Melanie’s legs, falling into trance-like state ] Oh, yes, yes! Those are runner’s legs.. those are nice.. nice, firm.. runner’s legs..

Melanie: Yeah! Well, anyway, I like track in school. I mean, I guess I like school, except they make us wear this stupid uniform!

Dr. Henderson: No, I wouldn’t call it stupid..

Melanie: Oh, yeah, it’s really stupid. I mean, it’s, like, every day we have to wear, like, the same tie, and the same blouse, and the same kilt, and the same tights. I mean, the only time we’re allowed to take it off is, like, when we’re in the shower!

[ Dr. Henderson loses control of the car, and stops on the side of the road ]

Melanie: Why are we stopping?

Dr. Henderson: You know what? I-I-I gotta rest the carburator in this car.. you know what I’m also gonna do? I’m gonna turn off the.. heat and the lights.. just to save the battery.

Melanie: But.. but won’t we get cold?

Dr. Henderson: Well, uh.. we would get cold, if we didn’t take advantange of our, um.. body heat.

Melanie: Oh! you mean, like in the Arctic?

Dr. Henderson: That’s right, Melanie.. just like in the Arctic.

Melanie: Yeah! We’re studying that next semester!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, well, that’ll be a hell of a thing.. Look, uh.. if you’re, uh.. thirsty, would you like some refreshments? There’s something in the glove compartment there..

Melanie: [ opens glove compartment ] Oh, my God! Is that Zima!

Dr. Henderson: That is Zima.

Melanie: Wow! Once, I almost got to have some at my Aunt’s wedding, but my Uncle took it away!

Dr. Henderson: Ohh.. well, why don’t you have one now?

Melanie: No, I shouldn’t..

Dr. Henderson: No, go on – I dare ya!

Melanie: Ohh.. okay! I can’t resist a dare!

Dr. Henderson: Sure, you can’t. You know, the funny thing about Zima is.. it tastes like candy, but you’ve gotta drink it down really fast!

Melanie: Really fast?

Dr. Henderson: Yeah, you’ve kind of just.. boom!

Melanie: Okay! [ swigs bottle back and downs the Zima ]

Dr. Henderson: And.. she’s off and running! Okay! Alright! and.. it’s gonna be Melanie by an edge, she’s coming down the finish line! Annnnd there she is, she wins the gold – that’s Melanie!

Melanie: [ burps ] Wow! You’re right, it does taste like candy!

Dr. Henderson: Yeah.. it does, doesn’t it? [ grabs to undo Melanie’s blouse ]

Melanie: Uh.. Dr. Henderson? What are you doing?

Dr. Henderson: I’m examining you – I’m a doctor!

Melanie: Yeah, but.. aren’t you, like, a foot doctor?

Dr. Henderson: Yes, I am, but, uh.. I was, uh.. upgraded.

Melanie: Oh! Congratulations!

Dr. Henderson: Well, thank you.

Melanie: Um.. can I have another Zima?

Dr. Henderson: Oh, can you have another Zima? Okay, sure!

Melanie: Don’t ever dare me – I told ya!

Dr. Henderson: [ chuckles ] Melanie, I’ve got another dare for ya.

Melanie: [ curious ] Oh, really? What?

Dr. Henderson: [ whispers in Melanie’s ear ]

Melanie: Yeah?!

Dr. Henderson: [ laughs ] There’s more! Come here, come here.. [ whispers further ]

Melanie: Okay!

Dr. Henderson: Alright! Let me just ask you something – Melanie, you are 18, aren’t you?

Melanie: Uh.. [ thinking ] ..yeah.. yeah..

Dr. Henderson: Yeah. Okay, that’s what I thought. And, you know that seat reclines?

Melanie: Okay! [ drops seat into reclining position ]

Dr. Henderson: Okay, there we go! [ moves in to pounce upon Melanie ]

[ cut to footage of Dr. Henderson being locked in jail, as he clutches desperately to the prison bars ]

Dr. Henderson: I’d do it again! I swear to the Lord above – given the chance, I would do it again!! Do you HEAR me, society??! I’d do it AGAIIINNN!! And again! And again! And again!

[ cut to faraway shot of prison exterior ]

Voice of Dr. Henderson: And again! And again!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Courtney Cox’s Monologue

…..Courtney Cox
Bruce Springsteen…..Adam Sandler

Courtney Cox: Thank you! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’m having a fantastic year, with my new show “Friends”. And, uh.. you know, everywhere I go, people are always asking me, “Are you guys really friends?” and, the truth is, uh.. not really. We all have slept together, but.. you know. Sometimes in just twos, and, you know, usually threes and fours, but..

Anyway, tonight’s a really special night for me. Ten years ago, someone gave me my first break by putting me in a music video! And.. that person just happens to be here tonight. Come on!

[ band breaks in with “Dancing From The Dark”, as Bruce Springsteen rises from the audience ]

Bruce Springsteen: [ singing a bit mumbly ]
“I get up in the evening
and I ain’t got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain’t nothing but tired
Man I’m just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

You can’t start a fire
You can’t start a fire without a spark
This gun’s for hire
even if we’re just dancing in the dark..”

Courtney Cox: Anyway, that’s great! Thank you! We’ve got a great show tonight..

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Thank you.. There’s something happening somewhere..

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Bruce Springsteen, ladies and gentlemen!

[ Springsteen continues to sing ]

Courtney Cox: Okay, anyway, thank you, folks, we’ve got a great show..

[ Springsteen relentlessly continues to sing, hogging Cox’s limelight ]

Courtney Cox: We’ve got a great show tonight – Dave Matthews Band is here, and we’ll be right back! Stick around!

SNL Transcripts

His Muse Friday

Bill Blake…..Michael McKean
Wendy…..Molly Shannon
Edie…..Courteney Cox
Charles…..Jay Mohr

[ shot in black-and-white, styled as film noir ]

[ open in the office of Bill Blake, Editor in Chief of New York Poetry Gazette ]

Bill Blake: [ on the phone ] Yeah, yeah, McCleaf, I know you’ve been under a lot of pressure lately! But this stuff’s just plain second-rate! I mean, come on! [ reads ] “The scent of her hair is of rain on the dust of her shoulders”? Not only is patently opaque, it’s not even iambic pentameter! Take another pass, and, this time, block that metaphor! [ hangs up ]

[ knock at the door ]

Bill Blake: Yeah? [ Wendy rushes in, nearly stumbling ] What rough beast sloshes toward my desk!

Wendy: It’s me, Wendy.

Bill Blake: Right. That was irony.

Wendy: What was?

Bill Blake: Uh.. skip it, sister. What have you got?

Wendy: Okay. Your attorney called – said he doesn’t think we can run the Wallace Stevens poem unless he’s dead.

Bill Blake: Unless my attorney’s dead?

Wendy: Unless Stevens is dead.

Bill Blake: Ah. Call Research, have ’em, uh..

Wendy: I did!

Bill Blake: Uh-huh? You did? He’s alive?

Wendy: Well, aren’t you happy for him?

Bill Blake: Ah, a shudder of joy runs up the trunk. What else you got?

Wendy: Uh.. W.H. Arden called, he still hasn’t been paid for the piece we ran in February.

Bill Blake: Tell him if God wanted poets to be rich –

Wendy: He’d be running a poetry magazine?

Bill Blake: Now, that’s irony! What else?

Wendy: Uh.. Edie Skipwell called, she’s on her way over to see you.

Bill Blake: [ alarmed ] What?! Why didn’t you say so! When’s she coming?

Wendy: Uh, she said in about five minutes..

Bill Blake: When’d she say that?

Together: ..About five minutes ago!

Bill Blake: [ shakes fist ] Why, I oughtta..

[ Edie enters ]

Edie: Well, well, well.. if it isn’t the late Billy Blake. Hi ya, tiger. Still burning bright?

Bill Blake: Uh.. Edie, Wendy. Wendy, scram!

[ Wendy exits ]

Edie: He’s murder on the secretaries, honey.

Bill Blake: Uh, not always.

Edie: Oh, yeah? There was a girl from Nantucket.

Bill Blake: Ah, she worked out okay. [ chuckles ] So, what are you doing here? Looking for a job, I bet.

Edie: [ laughs ] That’s rich.

Bill Blake: Yeah.. Sure, laugh thy girlish laughter, then a moment later weep thy girlish tears.

Edie: Ah, fat chance. I’m married now – the woman is perfected.

Bill Blake: Well, a little early in the day for Sylvia Plath, isn’t it?

Edie: Hubby likes Sylvia Plath.

Bill Blake: How is hubby, still insane?

Edie: As Robert Burton said, “All poets are mad.”

Bill Blake: And as Richard Burton said, “Honey, you’re putting on a little weight!” [ laughs ]

Edie: Oh. I’m ready with you sweetie, and completely untrue.

Bill Blake: Uh-huh.

[ Charles rushes in ]

Charles: Oh, gee, I’m sorry, Mr. Blake! I was looking for Wendy!

Edie: Ah, a little sweet on the girl, eh?

Charles: Ah, my heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains my sense, if that’s what you mean.

Bill Blake: Tell you what you do, Charles – take a cold shower. The hind that would be mated with the lion must die of love.

Charles: I hope not. [ exits office ]

Bill Blake: [ laughs ]

Edie: The same old bubbling touch with the hired help, eh, Billy?

Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so what are you doing here if you’re not looking for your old job back?

Edie: Well, I got a hot tip, I thought I’d pass it along.

Bill Blake: Talk to me like the rain, and let me listen, toots!

Edie: Okay. Well, a pal of hubby’s, auctioneer by trade, washed up on the shore of our place this weekend, with a manuscript of unpublished Ezra Pound.

Bill Blake: Get out!!

Edie: Truth, like a bastard, comes into the world.

Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah.. Milton. Go on!

Edie: Well, if you’d like to talk to the guy, I can set it up.

Bill Blake: Baby, you’re the greatest!

Edie: Dickinson?

Bill Blake: Gleason.

[ phone rings ]

Edie: Hadn’t you better get that?

Bill Blake: [ answers ] Blake here. Yeah.. oh, my God, it’s e.e. cummings.. e? e? e.e.? Yeah, okay, go ahead. Buffalo Bill’s defunct.. used to write a water-smooth, silver standing..

Edie: Nothing in this world becomes you more like in leaving it. [ gets up to leave ]

Bill Blake: Yeah, yeah, I’ll call you back. [ hangs up ] Edie? Edie, don’t go. Don’t you know how I feel about you, kid? This love should grow vaster than empires.

Edie: And more slow. No dice, Billy. At my back, I always here Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

Bill Blake: Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying.

[ Edie exits; Wendy quickly runs back in ]

Wendy: Mr. Blake? Uh, you got a call from some guy..

Bill Blake: Wendy, come here.

Wendy: What?

Bill Blake: Give me those glasses.. [ removes her glasses ] Charles!

Charles: Yes, Mr. Blake?

Bill Blake: Charles, Wendy. Wendy, Charles. [ they stare intently at one other, as Bill exits his office ] I’ll give them a week!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 6th, 1995

Bob Saget

TLC

None

TLC, “Red Light Special”

A Message From Tony Vallencourt

Summary: Celtics fan Tony Vallencourt (Adam Sandler) recalls his favorite memories of watching the Celtics play at Boston Garden.

Recurring Characters: Tony Vallencourt.

Amazin’ Laser

(Repeat) See: 01/21/95.

Karl’s Video Store

Recurring Characters: Karl.

Deep Thoughts

Skull In Woods.

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Deep Thoughts

Teaching Vampire Children.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
When I found the skull in the woods,
the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it.
I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was,
and why he had deer horns.

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is,
don’t run with wooden stakes.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 19

94s: Bob Saget / TLC

A Message From Tony Vallencourt

Tony Vallencourt…..Adam Sandler

FADE IN:

[ CELTICS TITLE CARD – A MESSAGE FROM TONY VALLENCOURT. ]

Tony Vallencourt (V/O): And now a message from lifelong Boston resident andwicked huge Celtics fan, Tony Vallencourt.

[ INT. DMV OFFICE DESK – DAY ]

[ TONY VALLENCOURT, a man in his late 20’s wearing a mullet and plaidshirt, sits at a desk holding a Budweiser. ]

Tony Vallencourt: Hey there! I’m Tony Vallencourt, speaking here from mysister’s desk at the DMV branch near Faneuil Hall in Boston. As you are nodoubt aware, the Celtics played their last game ever in the historicBoston Garden. Now the Garden is history and all I have left are a fewwicked awesome memories.

Like the time Tommy Gilbody and me were at the Lakers game in September1984. We were sitting in two of the famous Garden’s “obstructed view”seats, under the balcony and behind a wicked huge “po-st”. We could seeone basket and the lower half of the scoreboard, but not much else. Andthe 14 shots of pre-game Bacardi weren’t making things any clearer.

The temperature outside was 40 below zero and the Garden’s heating system,as usual, was “in the crapper”. To stay warm, my buddy and I beat theliving hell out of two older ladies who were cheering for the Lakers.”We’re wife and mothers of the other players”, they cried, as we laid intothem hardcore with a few pairs of numchucks. I swear to God, at one point,Robert Parrish – the Chief himself – looked up to me and screamed, “Heypsycho! You’re ruining the game! Get him out of the Garden!” The securityguards, always quick to heed the Chief’s instructions, tossed my arseright out onto Beacon Street.

As I laid on the concrete, I thought of one word — pisser. Then there wasthe time my buddy Kevin Sheehan got my playoff seats in Section 127, wherethe floor sinks down and all the rats live. They were there! They were thesize of dogs, pally! By halftime, I had been bitten by so many rodents, Iwas hallucinating. I was wicked-wicked-pisser!

For a while, I imagined I could actually see the court; which of course,was completely hidden behind a collapsed wall and a humungous fat guy! Wewere torn. Or how about the Celtics versus Sixers 1981? Our seats were infabled Section 268 — inside the boiler room. Down a step ladder andbehind yet another wicked huge post. What a game!

In the first quarter, Julius Irving had actually blocked one of LarryBird’s jump shots with his giant afro. So at halftime, my buddy Fitzy andI, snuck into the Sixers locker room and shaved Dr. J’s head bald. Pisser?I think so, pal.

On our way back to our seats, we spotted those same old ladies from theLakers game and shaved their heads too! Making the evening even morepisser! If such a thing is possible…

The Boston Garden. There’s so much I’ll miss. Like the time we stole MosesMalone’s size 35 sneaker and used it as a canoe on the Charles River. Orthe time we beat up that organ player for not knowing the song “FreezeFrame” by the great J. Geils Band.

So tonight people of Boston, drink an entire pony keg in honor of theGarden. And in the words of Larry Bird, “The McChicken sandwich is awicked pisser of a sandwich. And, Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 13th, 1995

David Duchovny

Seal

Naomi Campbell

Zagat’s

Recurring Characters: Hank Gelfand, Beverly Gelfand.

The Beastman of Studio 8-H

…..David Duchovny
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Molly Shannon
…..David Spade
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Adam Sandler
…..Morwenna Banks
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Michael McKean
…..Chris Elliot
…..Chris Farley
Beast Man…..Fred Wolf

[ open on a spiraling overhead shot of the G.E. Building ]

[ SUPER: “30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York City, 11:30 PM” ]

[ dissolve to David Duchovny’s dressing room. Duchovny studies his lines, as Ellen Cleghorne enters ]

Ellen Cleghorne: Heeeey! Good luck tonight, David!

David Duchovny: Thanks, Ellen.

Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, you know, it’s a really lucky thing that you’re hosting, you know it’s really great the you’re here. And, um, you know, I just love “The X-Files”.

David Duchovny: Well, thanks.

Ellen Cleghorne: It’s just that, you know, a lot of weird things have been going on here?

David Duchovny: What do you mean, weird?

Ellen Cleghorne: Um.. like.. ohhhh.. I don’t know. People vanishing, alien apparitions, Deion Sanders hosting. That kind of weird.

David Duchovny: Uh, Ellen, I really should be getting ready for the show —

[ a loud scream is heard offscreen ]

David Duchovny: What was that?

Ellen Cleghorne: Oh, come on!

[ Ellen and Duchovny run out of his dressing room, and discover Molly Shannon in the hall ]

David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, what happened?

Molly Shannon: I don’t know..! I was just.. I was just grabbing a snack before the show, and, then all of a sudden, it was here..!

David Duchovny: What? What was here?

Molly Shannon: It was hairy.. oh God, it was horrible!

David Duchovny: [ to Ellen ] Get her out of here, get her out of here.

[ Ellen leads Molly down the hall ]

David Spade: David. Check this out.

David Duchovny: What have you got, Spade?

[ they crouch on the floor over a huge footprint ]

David Spade: Some sort of footprint.

David Duchovny: That’s too big to be a human footprint. It must be some kind of animal. Get a plaster cast made of that.

David Spade: Right, I’ll.. take it to my lab.

[ Duchovny stands and passes Jay Mohr, Morwenna Banks and Adam Sandler leaning against the snack table ]

David Duchovny: What about any of you? Any of you see anything?

Adam Sandler: Uh-uh.

Morwenna Banks: No.

[ Kevin Nealon appears from another hallway ]

Kevin Nealon: Psst! David! Over here!

David Duchovny: What is it, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: David, I’ve been a cast member on this show for nine years, and I’ve seen a lot of strange things, and tonight’s my last show.

David Duchovny: Kevin, does any of this have a point?

Kevin Nealon: No. I just wanted to remind people tonight’s my last show.

David Duchovny: Alright.

Kevin Nealon: You know, maybe.. maybe people could throw me a party.

David Duchovny: Kevin, I —

Kevin Nealon: Just keep it simple. Maybe make it a surprise party, or something.

David Duchovny: Hey, Kevin —

Kevin Nealon: You ever hear of the Beast Man of Studio 8-H?

David Duchovny: Beast Man? What Beast Man?

Kevin Nealon: Well, some of the older guys on the crew tell this story about this horrible man-beast who lives in the studio, back behind all the sets.

David Duchovny: You sure you’re not talking about the ghost of John Belushi?

Kevin Nealon: No, he haunts the 17th floor.

David Duchovny: What about the ghost of Joe Piscopo?

Kevin Nealon: Joe Piscopo isn’t dead.

David Duchovny: Oh, right, right, he’s alive..

Kevin Nealon: Look, David, whatever happens – trust no one.

David Duchovny: Well, Kevin, if I can’t trust anyone, how can I trust you?

Kevin Nealon: Look, I gotta get ready for my surprise party. Be careful.

[ Kevin exits down the hall ]

David Duchovny: [ to himself ] I’m gonna go talk to Lorne.

[ dissolve to the eerie presence of Lorne Michael’s office, dramatic music surrounds the atmosphere ]

[ Duchovny enters ]

David Duchovny: Lorne? Can I have a word with you?

Lorne Michaels: Come in, David.

David Duchovny: You set me up, didn’t you, Lorne? That’s why you wanted me to host the show. Nobody here’s even heard of “The X-Files”, but you want me to take car of your Beast Man problem. Well, I won’t do it! I won’t do your dirty work!

[ Michael McKean creeps out from behind the shadows ]

Michael McKean: Don’t be silly, Mr. Duchovny. You’ve wanted to host the show ever since you became an actor. Now oyu have your chance. So you’ll catch the Beast Man for us. And you’ll do our little sketches, and you’ll wear our silly costumes. Because it’s all a game, Mr. Duchovny. And, right now, you’re holding the losing hand. Isn’t that right, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, sir!

[ Michael McKean chuckles as Duchovny exits Lorne’s office ]

Michael McKean: Be seeing you again, Mr. Duchovny. [ extinguishes his cigarette on Lorne’s desk ]

[ dissolve to Duchovny explaining his plan of action to Mark McKinney ]

David Duchovny: Well, I put some fresh cookies out, so maybe the Beast Man will —

[ a loud, girlish scream is heard offscreen ]

[ Mark McKinney ducks for cover, as Duchovny runs toward the scream he assumes to be Molly Shannon ]

David Duchovny: Molly! Molly, did you see it again?

Molly Shannon: Oh. No, actually, that wasn’t me screaming. It was Chris.

Chris Elliot: Yeah, it was.. me screaming. I’m sorry, my voice gets a little high when I get scared. Thank you very much, Molly!

David Duchovny: That’s okay, Chris.

Chris Elliot: Well.. I.. she..

David Duchovny: What did you see?

Chris Elliot: Well, it was the Beast Man. I was eating, and he just came by, he grabbed my food.. and he went off, and —

[ something resembling the Beast Man casually walks down the far hall, causing Chris Elliot to scream like a little girl again ]

Chris Elliot: Auuugghhhh!! There he is!!

[ Duchovny runs down the hall ]

David Duchovny: Beast Man! Beast Man, don’t be afraid! I won’t hurt you!

[ Duchovny reaches the Beast Man, which turns out to be Chris Farley wearing a furry jacket ]

David Duchovny: Chris!

Chris Farley: Hey, David.. [ uncomfortable ]

David Duchovny: You’re the Beast Man?

Chris Farley: Um.. yeah.. sorry, I thought it was gonna be funny.. sorry.. [ slaps himself on the forehead ] Idiot! Stupid! Moron!

David Duchovny: It’s alright, it’s alright. Just don’t do it again.

Chris Farley: Okay, I’m sorry. Hey.. David. Um.. you know, the, um.. “X-Files” show? That is excellent!

David Duchovny: [ pleased ] Oh, really, you watch it?

Chris Farley: Um.. no. But.. [ can’t think of anything more to say ]

David Duchovny: That’s alright, Chris. Come on.

Chris Farley: Okay.

[ they exit down as the hall, as the real Beast Man suddenly appears where they stood, creeps down to devour an armful of cookies while making Beast Man growls, then turns back the way he came ]

[ dissolve back to Michael McKean sitting at Lorne Michaels’ desk watching a tiny TV screen. He picks up the tellephone. ]

Michael McKean: Mr. Duchovny’s getting a little too close to the truth. He may have to be stopped. Proceed with Operation: “Live From New York, It’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts