The Polar Bear Sketch
... Chris Farley
... Tim Meadows
... Jay Mohr
... Adam Sandler
... Norm MacDonald
... David Duchovny
[A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull back
to reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows,
Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter and
line up at a railing overlooking the polar bear
Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn't the zoo the
Tim Meadows: I know, I can't believe it was -
how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hopped
[Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pit
before returning to the five guys above.]
Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage.
Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both ways
before the bear eats me?
Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can't.
Jay Mohr: All right. Read 'em and weep, my
[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. He
disappears from view and we hear a loud splash as he
hits the water below.]
Norm MacDonald: "Read 'em and weep"? You say
"Read 'em and weep" before you lay down your cards in
poker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.
Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.
Norm MacDonald: "Mr. Dictionary"? How does
knowing about poker make me "Mr. Dictionary"?
Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn't talking to you.
[Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr who
screams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity of
Mohr's blood splashes up from the pit and soaks
Farley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]
Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! What
happened? Did the bear get him? I'm not wearing my
Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bear
killed Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean you
weren't talking to me? You were looking right at me!
Who were you calling "Mr. Dictionary"?
Tim Meadows: Look, I'm gonna go in and haul
Jay's body up, okay? I'll let you guys argue amongst
Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren't arguing
amongst ourselves. I'm arguing with you.
Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing]
Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you know
everything, Mr. Dictionary!
[Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumps
into the pit and disappears with a splash.]
Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] "Mr.
Dictionary"! Oh, my God! He totally burned you,
man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hope
that nickname doesn't stick, Mr. Dictionary!
[laughs] Aww, man, you're a book filled with word
meanings! Oy, oy, oy!
[The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadows
whose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, and
Chris Farley: What happened? I'm not wearing my
glasses. Did the bear get him again?
Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damn
glasses on? We shouldn't have to tell you every time
the bear eats one of us.
[Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out his
thick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]
Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped off
their heads like so much volleyball!
Norm MacDonald: "Like so much volleyball"? Who
are you, the Mighty Thor? ... Nobody talks like that.
Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah - uh -
I think - you're a sack of crap like so much-- Mr.
[Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]
Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! All
right, good one, man. High five me on that one!
Chris Farley: Yeah, baby!
[Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smacks
him in the face and knocks his glasses off.]
Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!
Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] All
right, I gotta say I'm sick of you. And I'm sick of
that polar bear. I'm going in.
Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you're going
into that cage, you know, be careful, 'cause, uh, that
bear is still in there.
Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God,
Norm, that was the stupidest thing you've ever said.
Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that it
got wings and flew up to Canada -- where everybody
talks like you and says "arse" instead of "ass"?
You're very stupid, Norm. But you know that.
[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]
Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!
[Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley and
MacDonald are left at the railing.]
Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? He
calls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bear
cage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy who
jumps into a polar cage or the fella people like to
call "Mr. Dictionary"?
[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells "Oh,
my God!" Sandler's blood splashes up on Farley and
Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you or
did you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was a
bear still in that cage, eh?
Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn't
really listening that much 'cause, uh, I was tryin' to
remember who's been killed. [counts on his fingers]
All right, I know Adam Sandler.
Norm MacDonald: Right.
Chris Farley: And, before him, Tim
Norm MacDonald: Yeah.
Chris Farley: But, ah, who - who was the first
guy that went in there?
Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgot
which of our buddies was killed first? It was - it was
Jay Mohr, you arse!
Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um ... what -
what's Jay's middle name? I forget.
Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay's middle name?
Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya aya
aya aya aya aya! You're Gaylord! Get it? Gay - lord,
Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, then
lapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on that
highly successful burn, I'm goin' into the polar bear
cage and get myself some wallets so I can get some
beer money! Adios!
[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley hauls
himself over the railing and falls into the pit with a
splash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar bear
eats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up and
soaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]
Norm MacDonald: Well ... You know what? I'm
gonna jump in there because, ah, I'm sure the bear is
full by now. ... And then I'm gonna stick my finger
down its throat and let it throw up at least one of my
buddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digested
already, I'll throw him back in. [stroking his chin
thoughtfully] It's the perfect plan.
[MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with a
splash. The polar bear roars and eats the screaming
MacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now empty
scene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands in
front of a curtain addressing the camera.]
David Duchovny: Hi, I'm David Duchovny. The
preceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmed
entirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras.
The participants involved had no idea they were being
filmed. I ran this as a warning to other potential
Saturday Night Live hosts. These are the type
of people you deal with all week long. Thank
[Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squatting