The Polar Bear Sketch

... Chris Farley
... Tim Meadows
... Jay Mohr
... Adam Sandler
... Norm MacDonald
... David Duchovny

[A sign reads: DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. We pull back to reveal a zoo setting. Chris Farley, Tim Meadows, Jay Mohr, Adam Sandler and Norm MacDonald enter and line up at a railing overlooking the polar bear pit.]

Chris Farley: Aw, man! Isn't the zoo the best, man?

Tim Meadows: I know, I can't believe it was - how easy it was to get into the zoo. We just hopped the fence.

[Cut to a brief shot of a polar bear down in the pit before returning to the five guys above.]

Jay Mohr: Hey, look at this polar bear cage. Hey, you think I can swim the little moat both ways before the bear eats me?

Adam Sandler: Five bucks says you can't.

Jay Mohr: All right. Read 'em and weep, my friend!

[Mohr jumps the railing into the polar bear pit. He disappears from view and we hear a loud splash as he hits the water below.]

Norm MacDonald: "Read 'em and weep"? You say "Read 'em and weep" before you lay down your cards in poker, not before you jump into a polar bear cage.

Tim Meadows: Yeah, okay, Mr. Dictionary.

Norm MacDonald: "Mr. Dictionary"? How does knowing about poker make me "Mr. Dictionary"?

Tim Meadows: Ah, no, I wasn't talking to you.

[Off screen, the polar bear roars and eats Mohr who screams horribly. After a moment, a large quantity of Mohr's blood splashes up from the pit and soaks Farley, Meadows, MacDonald, and Sandler.]

Chris Farley: [squinting] What happened?! What happened? Did the bear get him? I'm not wearing my glasses!

Norm MacDonald: [casually] Yeah, the polar bear killed Jay. [quickly, to Meadows] What do you mean you weren't talking to me? You were looking right at me! Who were you calling "Mr. Dictionary"?

Tim Meadows: Look, I'm gonna go in and haul Jay's body up, okay? I'll let you guys argue amongst yourselves.

Norm MacDonald: Noooo, us guys aren't arguing amongst ourselves. I'm arguing with you.

Tim Meadows: [starts climbing over the railing] Yeah, well what can I say? I mean, after all, you know everything, Mr. Dictionary!

[Meadows hollers the last word of his line as he jumps into the pit and disappears with a splash.]

Chris Farley: [laughs, to MacDonald] "Mr. Dictionary"! Oh, my God! He totally burned you, man! [roars with laughter] Oh, you better hope that nickname doesn't stick, Mr. Dictionary! [laughs] Aww, man, you're a book filled with word meanings! Oy, oy, oy!

[The polar bear roars and eats a screaming Meadows whose blood splashes up on Farley, MacDonald, and Sandler.]

Chris Farley: What happened? I'm not wearing my glasses. Did the bear get him again?

Adam Sandler: Hey, would you put your damn glasses on? We shouldn't have to tell you every time the bear eats one of us.

[Farley shakes his bloodied head, pulls out his thick-framed Matt Foley eyeglasses and puts them on.]

Chris Farley: Oh, my God! That bear ripped off their heads like so much volleyball!

Norm MacDonald: "Like so much volleyball"? Who are you, the Mighty Thor? ... Nobody talks like that.

Chris Farley: [at a loss for words] Yeah - uh - I think - you're a sack of crap like so much-- Mr. Dictionary!

[Farley laughs and Sandler joins in.]

Adam Sandler: [to Farley] Ha ha ha, yeah! All right, good one, man. High five me on that one!

Chris Farley: Yeah, baby!

[Instead of giving Farley a high five, Sandler smacks him in the face and knocks his glasses off.]

Chris Farley: [in pain] Ohhhh!

Adam Sandler: [laughs, recovers, to Farley] All right, I gotta say I'm sick of you. And I'm sick of that polar bear. I'm going in.

Norm MacDonald: Hey, hey, Adam, if you're going into that cage, you know, be careful, 'cause, uh, that bear is still in there.

Adam Sandler: Oh, my lord. I swear to God, Norm, that was the stupidest thing you've ever said. Where would the bear be? Do you think I think that it got wings and flew up to Canada -- where everybody talks like you and says "arse" instead of "ass"? You're very stupid, Norm. But you know that.

[Sandler climbs the railing and jumps into the pit.]

Adam Sandler: Wheeeee!

[Sandler disappears with a splash. Only Farley and MacDonald are left at the railing.]

Norm MacDonald: Man, did you hear that? He calls me stupid. He just jumped into the polar bear cage, eh? Who do you think is stupider, the guy who jumps into a polar cage or the fella people like to call "Mr. Dictionary"?

[The polar bear roars and eats Sandler who yells "Oh, my God!" Sandler's blood splashes up on Farley and MacDonald.]

Norm MacDonald: Well, uh, Farley, did you or did you not hear me tell him that, ah, there was a bear still in that cage, eh?

Chris Farley: Well, you know what, I wasn't really listening that much 'cause, uh, I was tryin' to remember who's been killed. [counts on his fingers] All right, I know Adam Sandler.

Norm MacDonald: Right.

Chris Farley: And, before him, Tim Meadows.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah.

Chris Farley: But, ah, who - who was the first guy that went in there?

Norm MacDonald: Are you serious? You forgot which of our buddies was killed first? It was - it was Jay Mohr, you arse!

Chris Farley: Yeah, yeah, but, um ... what - what's Jay's middle name? I forget.

Norm MacDonald: You forget Jay's middle name? It's Gaylord!

Chris Farley: I know you are! Ha ha! Aya aya aya aya aya aya! You're Gaylord! Get it? Gay - lord, Gaylord, Gaylord, Gaylord! [high-pitched giggle, then lapses into a deranged Southern accent] And on that highly successful burn, I'm goin' into the polar bear cage and get myself some wallets so I can get some beer money! Adios!

[With an incomprehensible exclamation, Farley hauls himself over the railing and falls into the pit with a splash. MacDonald watches as the roaring polar bear eats the screaming Farley. More blood flies up and soaks MacDonald who is by now thoroughly drenched.]

Norm MacDonald: Well ... You know what? I'm gonna jump in there because, ah, I'm sure the bear is full by now. ... And then I'm gonna stick my finger down its throat and let it throw up at least one of my buddies. If the buddy who comes up is too digested already, I'll throw him back in. [stroking his chin thoughtfully] It's the perfect plan.

[MacDonald vaults the railing into the pit with a splash. The polar bear roars and eats the screaming MacDonald whose blood splashes up on the now empty scene. Dissolve to host David Duchovny who stands in front of a curtain addressing the camera.]

David Duchovny: Hi, I'm David Duchovny. The preceding segment was not a sketch. It was filmed entirely at the Central Park Zoo with hidden cameras. The participants involved had no idea they were being filmed. I ran this as a warning to other potential Saturday Night Live hosts. These are the type of people you deal with all week long. Thank you.

[Applause, dissolve to bumper with photo of squatting host.]

Submitted Anonymously

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