Author: Don Roy King

A Statement From Judge Ito

Judge Lance Ito…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: And now, a statement from California Judge Lance Ito.

Judge Lance Ito: Hello. This week, New York Sen. Alfonse D’Amato accused me – Judge Ito – of prolonging the Simpson trial, while mocking me in a stereotypical Japanese accent. Now, I don’t want to take too much of your time here, I just simply want set the record straight on a couple of counts.

Firstly, I am not prolonging the Simpson trial.

Secondly, I do not speak with a Japanses accent. I think Sen. D’Amato should remember that, as the child of immigrants, both he and I have a special responsibility to combat prejudice. I mean, I could sit here and make fun of Italians. That would be easy – after all, I’m a judge, and I see a lot of them coming through my courtroom! But I’m not gonna do that! However, I would like to do an impression I’ve been trying out during the sidebars – it’s Sen. D’Amato’s sister making love to a mule. Okay. Here goes.. [ slicks his hair back with his hands ]

[ in thick Itlaian accent ] “Ohh.. dat’s-a feel-a good! Ohh.. dat’s-a good-a, boss-a! Oh, wait-a! Stop-a! Mamma mia, I burn-a da spaghetti!” [ laughs maniacally ]

Okay, Senator, now we’re even. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Damon Wayans’ Monologue

…..Damon Wayans

Damon Wayans: Yeah! What’s up! Yeah! It’s good to be here. It’s nice to come out, you know, and have a chance to host a show – that’s great, you know? ‘Cause, usually, brothers don’t get a chance to host nothin’! Not even, like, the news, right?

Any time you see a brother on the news, it’s usually a reporter, and he’s got, like, the worst assignment, right? It’s always like when they had the riots out in L.A., you had the brother, like, “This is Leon Jackson, man! I’m standing on Normandy and Flor-” [ imitates gunfire ] Man, they shootin’ out here, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ swats off attackers ] “Get off me, man! They goin’ crazy, man! Get! Come back with the camera!” Right? And then, the white dude is always in the tudio tryin’ to look concerned. Right? He’s like, “Wow, that really looks bad out there, Leon! We’ll be cutting back to you, you keep us abreast of this story. [ turns to co-anchor ] Really looks bad, huh, Jane?”

They have the floods, right? The mudslides.. brother’s like.. [ sliding legs across the floor ] ..”This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in twelve feet of mud! It’s pretty bad out here, man!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] “Leon. Do you think you can get the camera under the mud, maybe talk to some people there? See how they feel, right? This just in: tornadoes are sweeping the southland! Here with a special live report is our own Leon Jackson!” [ doing Leon’s voice, while laying across table like he’s being blown in the air ] “This is Leon Jackson! I’m standing in 30 miles-per-hour wind, man! It’s pretty bad out here!” [ switches to studio anchorman ] Leon. Do you thihk you can get into the eye of the tornado?” [ laughs ]

See, brothers just take it with stride, man? You know, because we used to that, you know? We used to getting the bad job, you know? It’s alright. It’s like.. I guarantee you the original crash test dummy was a brother! It’s like, “Alright, Bubba, listen what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna strap you in this apparatus, and then just keep driving you against the wall, and you tell us how you feel afterwards.” “Alright. Cool! Anything’s better than serving time!” “Alright, Chuck – take it up to 25! [ imitates car crashing against wall ] Bubba, how you feel?!” “No, man.. my neck hurt! Man, what’s that all about?!” “Alright, 25 gives you whiplash! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 50!” [ imitates car crashing harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! How you feel?” “Yo, man.. I feel like busting your ass, man! I can’t feel nothin’ in my left leg, man! What’s up with this?!” “Don’t worry, there’s a nice, healthy check for you at the end! Alright, Chuck, take it up to 100!” [ imitates car crashing even harder against wall ] Bam! “Bubba! [ no answer ] Bubba? [ no answer ] Damn you, Bubba, speak to me! [ a beat ] Alright.. 100 kills ya’! Alright, Chuck – get Bubba out of here and bring in the next one, we’ll test the air bag!”

See, y’all know it’s true. Because, see, white people – y’all just got too much information. You know? They got – y’all know exactly how much electricity it take to kill you! How y’all know that? Some brother! It’s like, “Alright, Cleavus, this is what we’re gonna do. We want you to grab a hold of this fence, and then piss on that third rail! YHou let us know how you feel afterward!” [ laughs ] I gurantee you there’s still some brothers lost in space.. from, like, the pre-Apollo. You know, it’s like.. “You think NASA’s ever gonna come get us?!” “I’s hope so! We runnin’ out the Tang!” “This is Rufus to NASA.. Rufus to NASA!” “Will these niggars leave us alon? Change the name to NASA!” [ laughs ]

Listen, we have a great show tonight – we have Miss Dionne Farris with us, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Court TV

Terry Moran…..Kevin Nealon
Robert Shapiro…..Michael McKean
James Williams…..Adam Sandler
Anton Jackson…..Damon Wayans
Judge Lance Ito…..Mark McKinney
Marcia Clark…..Laura Kightlinger
Bailiff…..Jay Mohr
Johnny Cochran…..Tim Meadows

Terry Moran: Hello, I’m Terry Moran. Welcome to Court TV’s continuing coverage of the OJ Simpson trial. Today the defense cross-examines skycap James Williams, who claims to have seen Simpson’s missing mystery bag on top of a trash can at the Los Angeles airport. Let’s take a look.

Robert Shapiro: Now Mr. Williams, you never actually saw Mr. Simpson place his bag on top of this garbage can.

James Williams: No.

Robert Shapiro: Then you don’t really know it was Mr. Simpson’s bag you saw on this can! [bangs emphatically on the trash can, causing a person to burst out of the lid]

Anton Jackson: Who is it? Who’s knocking on my door? Hey, this ain’t the airport! What’s happening, Jimmy? How you doing, baby?

Judge Lance Ito: Do you know this man? [waves away the smell]

James Williams: His name’s Anton Jackson. He lives in that airport trash can.

Marcia Clark: The prosecution would like to call Mr. Jackson to the witness stand.

Robert Shapiro: Objection!

Marcia Clark: Your Honor, he may be able to tell us what happened to Mr. Simpson’s bag, and its contents.

Judge Lance Ito: I’ll right, I’m going to allow Mr. Jackson to [coughs] testify. Bailiff?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Anton Jackson: I don’t! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Could you state your name for the court, please?

Anton Jackson: My name is Anton Frederique Jackson. [slobbers all over her hand]

Marcia Clark: Ugh!

Anton Jackson: It’s French, as you could see.

Marcia Clark: And what do you do for a living, Mr. Jackson?

Anton Jackson: Well, I’m an ex – entertainer, excuse me, extraordinaire.

Marcia Clark: And what is your place of residence?

Anton Jackson: Well, I have several. I got a box uptown, I got a box downtown, but for tax purposes I reside at the LA Airport.

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, did you see the defendant in the airport on June 12th?

Anton Jackson: The who?

Marcia Clark: That man over there, Mr. OJ Simpson.

Anton Jackson: Hey, OJ Simpson! Man, I ain’t recognize you without the ski mask! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson –

Anton Jackson: No, I’m just kidding. See, we got something in common, man. I used to date Denise Brown, but I let her go, ’cause she drank more than I did! Hah!

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, Please. Are you wearing the clothes the defendant dumped in your garbage can?

Anton Jackson: You know something, you’re a very sexy young lady. You got any black in you?

Marcia Clark: No.

Anton Jackson: Do you want some? Hah!

[The court goes nuts, causing Judge Ito to bang on the desk with his gavel.]

Anton Jackson: Erection, your honor, erection!

Judge Lance Ito: [trying to wave him away] No, no. First of all, Mr. Jackson, you mean objection.

Anton Jackson: No, I was looking at her ass! It’s an erection, all right!

Judge Lance Ito: Please, sit down, sit down.

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson, what are those stains on your clothing?

Anton Jackson: Oh, these? Well, last night I went to see a 25 cent movie . . .

[Everyone starts groaning, disgusted.]

Anton Jackson: No, it was a good one!

Marcia Clark: The bloodstains, Mr. Jackson.

Anton Jackson: Oh, the bloodstains. You ever get one of those boogers that be way up back here, and you’re trying to reach it, and it make your nose bleed? See, I got one right now. I’d like to submit Exhibit B, Your Honor.

[Anton wipes his finger all over the desk. Judge Ito smacks the spot with his gavel.]

Marcia Clark: Mr. Jackson? Never mind. Never mind, Mr. Jackson. Please, just tell the court what’s inside your jacket.

Anton Jackson: Oh, well this is sort of an invention of mine. [He takes out a jar of yellow liquid.] It’s my Portable Portopotty.

Judge Lance Ito: Mr. Jackson, put that away. Put that away. Miss Clark?

Marcia Clark: No further questions, your honor.

Judge Lance Ito: Your witness, Mr. Cochran.

Johnny Cochran: Mr. Jackson, sir.

Anton Jackson: What’s up, smooth brother Johnny Coch?

Johnny Cochran: Anton, I’ll be straightforward. Are you an alcoholic?

Anton Jackson: Am I an alcoholic? Well, I’ll be straightforward. [Takes out a bottle.] Every now and again I like to have a little sip. Like now [drinks some wine], and again [drinks]. Hah!

Robert Shapiro: Your Honor, this witness is useless. I move he be dismissed and his testimony be stricken from the record.

Judge Lance Ito: Agreed. Mr. Jackson, please, step down. Step down.

Anton Jackson: Not until America sees my act! What I’m going to do right now is juggle not one, not two, but three latrines!

Everybody: No! No! No!

Anton Jackson: No, you’re going to like this! I very rarely miss! Okay, I present the amazing Anton!

[As he clumsily juggles the glasses, one drops and smashes.]

Anton Jackson: My bad, my bad. Hey look, let me try that again. Give me five minutes, I’ll fill this up and I’ll be back . . .

Terry Moran: It was an eventful day in the Simpson case. Court was dismissed until 10:00 tomorrow, when the prosecution’s star DNA witness will take the stand, beloved children’s entertainer Homey the Clown. See you then.

Thanks to Leadcrow90 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 17

94q: Damon Wayans / Dionne Farris

Christopher Walken for Skittles

Christopher Walken…..Jay Mohr
Announcer…..Michael McKean

[ TITLE CARD: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN FOR SKITTLES ]

Announcer: Christopher Walken for Skittles.

[ In a gray double-breasted suit on black tee stands Christopher Walken. ]

Christopher Walken: I’d like to talk to you for a moment… about… Skittles!

[ Walken holds up a bag of Skittles. ]

Christopher Walken: Skittles come in so many great flavors! Lemon…orange… Skittles are inexpensive… they’re good for you! Cherry… somany terrific flavors… all here… in Skittles… for you’reenjoyment… lime… but you can’t have them… unless you buy… look…

[ Walken pauses for several beats out of anxiety. ]

Christopher Walken: Skittles… have many great flavors and colors… doit! No one will know… No one… grape…

[ Walken pulls out a bag of Tropical Skittles from his suit jacket. ]

Christopher Walken: Try new tropical, fruit-flavored…Skittles…watermelon… pineapple…

[ Walken pauses for several beats and looks off-camera. ]

Christopher Walken: I’m done!

[ SKITTLES TITLE CARD ]

Announcer: This has been Christopher Walken for Skittles.

Christopher Walken (V/O): Passion fruit…

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Jeff Foxworthy…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is.. the.. news.

This week, in South Africa, Winnie Mandela was removed from the neo-government by her husband, President Nelson Mandela. A curious Bill Clinton later called Mr. Mandela, to find out how exactly you go about doing something like that.

This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence. And O.J. didn’t help his case any by blurting out, “There it is! I’ve been looking all over for that thing!”

Norm MacDonald: The #2 movie this week, “Outbreak”, continues to make news. It’s the story of a virus that gets out of control, causing death and widespread panic. It’s based on the true story of the Ebola Virus. Because most viewers don’t exactly understand what the Ebola Virus is, we’ve asked comedian Jeff Foxworthy, author of “You May Be A Redneck”, to help explain it. Jeff?

Jeff Foxworthy: Thank yew, Norm! Thank yew! Okay! If yer a small bacterial virus that travels through the air or blood, and kills 9 out of 10 people infected within 24 hours of contact – then yew may be.. the Ebola Virus.

If, on yer W2 tax form, yew list as yer primary residence, the bloodstream of an African Zuzu monkey – by that fact alone, yew could be IDed as the Ebola Virus.

If the only time people can relax around yew, is when they’re wearing a Biosafety Level 4 Hazardous Ebola Virus-proof spacesuit – then yew’ve nominated yerself as a potential candidate to be elected the Ebola Virus.

If yer a Playboy centerfold and list as yer turn-ons: making people vomit uncontrollably and bleed out of their eyes and anus – then all arrows point to yew.. being the E.

If yew walk into a room, and everyone sez, “Oh, no! It’s the Ebola Virus!” Then, perchance, there’s a blah blah!

If yer driver’s license photo looks like this.. [ holds up cartoon drawing of the Ebola Virus ] ..there’s a bleep-blop E Virus.

If yew find yerself feelin’ jealous because the AIDS Virus gets more press than yew – then, maybe the Ebola Virus.

If people see yew and run!

Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Okay! I think we get the point there, Jeff, thanks! Thanks for clearing that up. Jeff Foxworthy, ladies and gentlemen!

Jeff Foxworthy: [ screaming to be heard ] I’m not through! If yew constantly.. [ babbles incoherently ]

Norm MacDonaldWe-ell..

On a talk show recently, Joey Buttafuaco said of Amy Fisher: “I hope she gets hers, and dies in prison like Jeffrey Dahmer. And when she does, I will go out and eat cake!” Moments later, however, he admiited: “Look, I’ll be honest with you.. even if nothing bad happens to Amy Fisher, I’ll..probably go out and.. eat cake..”

Well, the magazine P.O.V. came out this week, with a list of the best and worst jobs to have in the next century. The three best were, in this order: Multimedia Software Designer, Management Consultant, and Interactive Advertising Executive; while their worst, for the third year in a row: Crack Whore.

Norm MacDonald: Alright. The boxing world is still buzzing after the release of Mike Tyson from an Indiana prison, after serving a three-year term. Here with a message for Mike, is Weekend Update correspondent – and my hero – Adam Sandler!

Adam Sandler: Thank you! Thanks! Alright! Uh.. Mr. Tyson, three years is a long time to be away from everything, so, being one of your biggest fans, I figured I’d help you out and fill you in on what’s been going on in the world the past three years.

Let’s start at 1993, November 5th: Some guy from the bank called me about about paying back my studeny loan. I told him I don’t have the money yet, and he starts saying how he’s gonna repossess my car and cancel all my credit cards. Then he says, “Are you a boxing fan?” And I say, “Ye-eah.. what does that have to do with anything?” And he says, “Because, I have some things to say about that guy Mike Tyson. Tyson’s the worst boxer I’ve ever seen. Mohammed Ali could kick his ass! Ali’s daughter could kick his ass! And, if Tyson ever got out of prison, I would kick his ass!” Now.. the car and the credit card thing, I understand; he’s doing his job. But.. the stuff about you, that was just uncalled for! Anyway, if you wanna go ask him about it, he works at.. [ SUPER appears on screen ] ..First National Bank.. 325 2nd Ave., between 55th and 56th. His name is Sidney Crenshaw; do what you gotta do!

February 5th, 1994: My girlfriend breaks up with me, and starts going out with a guy named Peter Evans. I ran into Peter at a coffee shop, and I said, “I hope you and my girlfriend are happy.” Then he said, “Mike Tyson sucks!” I was, like, “What does that have to do with anything?!” [ laughing ] Then.. he starts doing an impression of you; he was, like: [ imitating Peter Evans’ impression of Mike Tyson ] “I’m Mike Tyson! I talk like a five-year-old girl! I could never beat up Peter Evans, ’cause I’m a little pansy!” Then he said some other stuff, about you saving up for a sex-change operation, or something; I don’t remember all the details, but Peter Evans might. [ SUPER appears on screen ] He lives at 1197 Horatio St., Apt 4-P, as in “Punch in the face”

June 16th, 1994: A homeless man on the street asks me for some change. I give him $150. That has nothing to do with you, Mike, but I just thought America should know Adam Sandler is a DAMN good guy!

March 6th, 1995: A bug fat guy sitting behind me at the movies won’t stop yapping-

Norm MacDonald: [ interrupting ] Hey, hey, hey, Adam! We really don’t have time for all this.. sorry.. we gotta get moving on!

Adam Sandler: Oh, alright.. sorry, Norm.. you are right. Hey, uh, by the way, uh.. Mr. Tyson! This is Norm MacDonald. He’s our new Update guy, you’ll love him; he’s been telling the funniest jokes about you giving it up in prison!

Norm MacDonald: [ nervous ] Mr. Tyson, I’m, uh.. I’m not Norm MacDonald.. I don’t even know who Norm MacDonald is.. I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 15th, 1995

Courtney Cox

Dave Matthews Band

Bela Fleck

Dave Matthews Band, “What Would You Say”

Matt Foley, Bilingual Motivational Speaker

Senor Matt Foley (Chris Farley) tries to motivateSpanish teens.

Recurring Characters: Matt Foley.

Courtney Cox’s Monologue

Bruce Springsteen (Adam Sandler) hogs Cox’s spotlight.

Good Morning Brooklyn

Hot Dog Vendor (Chris Farley) receives the Beatin’ of the Week.

Recurring Characters: James Barone.

Gapardy

Gap Girls (Adam Sandler, David Spade, Chris Farley) compete knowledge.

Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy, Cindy.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

English teacher Louise Ingstrom (Molly Shannon) punctuates text.

Melanie Babysits

Dr. Henderson (Chris Elliot) is intoxicated by teen babysitter Melanie (Mark McKinney).

Recurring Characters: Melanie.

Hiring Charles Manson

Innocent office remark leads to job offer for Charles Manson (Adam Sandler).

Truth vs. Jokes

At party, employee (Kevin Nealon) can’t tell when co-worker (Tim Meadows) is joking.

Replacement Baseball

Careers of replacement players discussed in vivid detail.

His Muse Friday

Screwball comedy leads (Michael McKean, Cox) bounce off poetic one-liners.

Obnoxious Co-Worker

One-night stand makes co-worker (David Spade) obnoxious.

SNL Transcripts

“Hi, Bob!”

…..Bob Newhart
…..Dave Wilson
…..Michael McKean
…..Chris Elliot
…..Chris Farley
…..Ellen Cleghorne
…..Norm MacDonald
…..Tim Meadows
…..Al Franken
…..Laura Kightlinger
…..David Spade
…..Adam Sandler
…..Jay Mohr
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Janene Garafalo

[ open in the back halls of Studio 8H, where Bob Newhart looks over the script for the next sketch. Stage Manager Joe Disco stands next to Bob. ]

Bob Newhart: Uh, Joe, how much time before the next sketch?

Joe Dicso: Uh.. you’ve got a couple of minutes, uh.. I’ll come and get you. [ exits down the hall ]

Bob Newhart: Great.

[ Michael McKean walks past Bob ]

Michael McKean: Show’s cookin’, Bob!

Bob Newhart: Thank you, Michael.

[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot a few feet down the hall, watching Bob with intense anticipation ]

Chris Elliot: Come on! Come on!

Chris Farley: Say it! Say it!

[ cut back to Bob, as Ellen Cleghorne walks past ]

Ellen Cleghorne: Hey, good show, Bob.

Bob Newhart: Thank you!

[ cut to Chris Farley and Chris Elliot looking agitatedly towards Bob and the people walking past him ]

Chris Farley: Come on, what’s wrong with these people?!

Chris Elliot: Come on!

[ cut back to Bob, as Norm MacDonald walks past ]

Bob Newhart: Hi, Norm.

Norm MacDonald: Hi, Bob!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who seem pleased by the exchange they’ve heard and quickly down a shot from a table filled with shots ]

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Yes!!

[ cut back to Bob, as Tim Meadows walks past ]

Tim Meadows: Hey, Bob. Have a good show, man.

Bob Newhart: Thank you.

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down another shot each ]

[ cut back to Bob, as ??, Al Franken, and Laura Kightlinger walk past one at a time ]

Hey, Bob.

Al Franken: Hi, Bob!

Laura Kightlinger: Hi, Bob.

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who quickly down three shots in unison. An NBC page steps forward with a full tray of shots. ]

Chris Elliot: Uh.. we’re gonna need more.. more of those. Keep ’em coming..

[ cut back to Bob, as David Spade walks past ]

David Spade: Bob! Hi!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who glance at one another for a ruling, then decide to down the shot after all ]

[ cut back to Bob, as, first Adam Sandler walks past from one direction, then Jay Mohr walks past from another direction ]

Adam Sandler: Hiii..

Jay Mohr: Bob!

[ cut to Farley and Elliot, who aren’t sure what to make of that exchange. Elliot puts down his shot glass and removes his copy of the “Hi Bob” Rule Book from his pocket. He and Farley glance quickly at a page Elliot opens at random, then they nod their heads and down their shot. ]

[ cut back to Bob ]

Kevin Nealon: [ off-screen ] Bob!

Bob Newhart: Oh.. hi!

[ Bob walks over to Kevin, now standing just a few feet in front of Farley and Elliot ]

Kevin Nealon: I’ve just got to say – it’s a real honor to have you here.

Bob Newhart: Well, thank you very much.

Kevin Nealon: Yeah, it’s great.

Woman: [ walks past ] Hi, Bob! Nice show!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot, making their antics noticeable to Bob ]

Bob Newhart: Thank you, Merle. (?) [ looks over at Farley and Elliot ] Ke-Kevin.. what are, what are Farley and.. and Elliot.. doing back there?

Kevin Nealon: Well, I think they might be playing that game – you know, “Hi Bob!”?

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Oh.. really? “Hi, Bob!”?

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Kevin Nealon: Yeah. But you must get that a lot, huh?

[ Man in a cow costume walks past ]

Man in Cow Costume: Hi, Bob! Good show!

Bob Newhart: Uh.. I guess I’d better go talk to them. [ he walks over to Farley and Elliot ] Hi, fellas.

Chris Farley: Hi..

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: Hi, Bob!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Are you, are you by any chance playing.. “Hi, Bob!”?

Chris Farley & Chris Elliot: ..Nooooo!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Look, guys, I know you’re playing “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: I mean.. I’m very flattered that you enjoy the old show, but I.. I want you to know I don’t approve of the game. I hate the idea of people driving around drunk because of “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: But, at least, if you’re gonna play, you have to know the rules! You only drink when someone else says, “Hi, Bob!”

[ Janene Garafalo steps up ]

Janene Garafalo: Hi, Bob.

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Janene Garafalo: Listen, can I talk to you for a second?

Bob Newhart: Yeah, sure.

[ Janene and Bob step off to the side a little ]

Janene Garafalo: Look, uh, you know I’m a really big fan of yours, but I just can’t believe that you’re encouraging these guys to play “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: Janene, excuse me – I didn’t invent “Hi, Bob!” —

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Bob Newhart: — and I.. I didn’t ask anyone to play “Hi, Bob!” tonight!

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot; Elliot suddenly spews and begins to lean in on Farley and teeter to the floor ]

Bob Newhart: [ notices the display behind him ] I man, i-if it were up to me, I’d have it banned!

Janene Garafalo: Listen – forgive me, Bob, but I have a hard time believing you don’t have something to do with the game “Hi, Bob!”

[ Farley and Elliot down a quick shot ]

Janene Garafalo: Are you proud of yourself? Take a look, here’s your handiwork! you know, people at home who are playing this would have done 24 shots by now!

[ Chris Elliot begind to crawl toward Bob ]

Bob Newhart: Oh.. oh, my God.. [ faces the camera ] Uh.. look, for those of you watching at home, especially in the fraternity houses – don’t leave the dorm room, just STAY where you are!

Chris Elliot: [ stands and wraps his arms around Bob ] I love you! I love you! [ kisses Bob on the cheek ]

Bob Newhart: [ mortified ] I’m so sorry..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

The Evaluation

Employee Relations Officer…..Bob Newhart

[ open on exterior, United States Postal Service ]

[ dissolve to interior, Employee Relations office ]

[ the camera’s point-of-view acts as the role of the employee who enters the office. The Employee Relations Officer looks up as the off-screen employee enters. ]

Employee Relations Officer: Oh. Uh.. uh.. Davidson. Come-come in – come in and.. sit down.

[ the off-screen employee maneuvers through the room and takes his seat in front of the Employee Relations Officer’s desk ]

Employee Relations Officer: Uh.. first-first of all, let me, uh.. let me tell you that we appreciate your filling out the questionnaire. As you know, we’ve had some problems the last.. few years at the Post Office, with, uh.. well, with disgruntled employees, and.. and we’ve found that if an employee gets disgruntled enough, uh.. it-it can really get out of hand. I’m sure you remember last March when, uh.. Andy Baumgardner had that-that-that day. Uh.. anyway.. the boys upstairs came up with the idea of getting all the employees to.. to fill out these questionnaires in order to, uh.. to avoid any-any future, uh.. Andy-Andy-Andy Baumgardners. Let me jsut go over this with you.

[ Employee Relations Officer puts on a pair of glasses and glances through the questionnaire ]

Uh.. let’s see. I see you’re 46 years old, and, uh.. and divorced. Now, uh.. was that, uh.. was that.. amicable? [ camera shakes head “No” ] A real-real ugly one. Uh-huh. And you-you live alone. You-you-you enjoy living alone, do you, Davidson? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Wouldn’t.. wouldn’t have it any other way. [ coughs ]

I-I notice under Social Security Number, you’ve written, uh: “What’s it to you?” [ smiles ] Th-that was a.. that was a little joke, right? [ camera shakes head “No” ] It-it wasn’t. Okay.. okay, well, let’s move on. [ flips page ] Under the question “What’s your least favorite part of the job?” you wrote, uh: “Sorting mail.” Which.. seems like a kind of odd response, considering.. that you are a mail.. mail sorter.

Now, the next question, uh, “How would you describe your feelings towards the U.S. postal Service?” and you wrote, uh: “Disgruntled.” See, that’s uh.. that’s a kind of a red flag, here at the Post Office. We haven’t really had that much luck with disgruntled employees in the past. Frankly, it’s a word that we least-least like to see on our questionnaires. So, I.. won’t waste much more of your time, Davidson.

I just want to go over one more area that caused me a little concern.. It’s under the question: “What-what is the biggest complaint in your workplace?” And you wrote: “Working next to the devil.” Now, I checked the, uh.. I checked the records, Davidson, and you work beside, uh.. Sam Henshaw, who has been with the Post Office 45 years. He’s a very nice old man. Uh.. I-I guess.. I guess, I just find it hard to believe that that.. the devil has spent the last.. 45 years sorting mail. [ coughs ] Nooo.. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not calling your dog a liar, by any stretch of the imagination. The last thing that I’d like to do, uh.. uh.. you’re pretty sure that he-he is the devil? [ camera shakes head “Yes” ] Well.. I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree on-on that one.

Uh, anyway.. th-that’s basically it, so I’ll-I’ll let you, uh.. let you get back to work, uh, Davidson. Uh.. [ clears throat, stands ] I just want to add that you are doing a bang-up here. Uh.. there is, there is one more, uh.. one more thing. All the postal employees are required to, you know, wear the regulation, uh.. postal uniforms. [ clears throat as the camera angle rises over him ] No. No, I think, I think you look great in the combat fatigues. It’s just that, uh.. r-rules.. are rules. Again.. just the boys upstairs. A-and, remember, this questionnaire wasn’t-wasn’t my-my idea. Again, it was.. it was the boys.. the boys upstairs. [ points to the ceiling ]

[ Employee Relations Officer makes his way to his office door ]

Yeah, right. Right. Upstairs. You just — yeah. You-you take the elevator, and.. go up one floor, and it’s the first door on the right. You can’t.. you-you can’t miss it. [ smiles ]

[ alternate camera pulls back, as we see the full set standing in front of Home Base, Bob Newhart standing at the door of the set as the cameraman who portrayed the employee’s point-of-view lowers his camera and exits the set to the calls of director Dave Wilson ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
February 18th, 1995

Deion Sanders

Bon Jovi

Manute Bol

Bon Jovi, “Always”

O.J. Simpson Field Trip

Recurring Characters: Judge Ito, Kato Kaelin, O.J. Simpson, Robert Shapiro, Marcia Clark.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

Recurring Characters: Operaman.

Perspectives

Recurring Characters: Lionel Osbourne.

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

Norm MacDonald: Thank you! Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.

O.J.’s pal Al Cowlings now has a 1-900 numbner. For $2.99 a minute, Cowlings will tell callers O.J. is innocent. And for $3.99 a minute, he’ll try to do it without laughing.

According to a survey, 58% of men would have sex with a woman they disliked. Although, while having sex, they would really, really like them, and then afterwards not like them again.

Norm MacDonald: And now, here with his own look at the news, ia Operaman!

Operaman: Gracia, Norm, gracia!

[ pictured: Colin Ferguson ]
Colin Ferguson self-represento
Speaks-a well-a, intelligento
Says no guilty por train attack-oh
But jury say
Es still a wacko!

[ pictured: Demi Moore ]
Demi Moore-a salaria
12 million por next movie!
4 million for her acting
4 million for each-a booby!

[ pictured: Brad Pitt ]
Brad Pitt sexiest
“People” wrote-o
Operaman say
Recount the vote-o!

[ pictured: baseball strike article ]
Baseball scabs on opening day-a?
Just as good as reglar player
Mange your hot dog, drink-a your soda
Look at shortstop
Abe Vigoda!

[ pictured: Tom Hanks ]
Tom Hanks-o
Nominato
Second time-o
You’re a great-o
Next year vacation
Go to France-o
Give someone else
A freakin’ chance-o!

Have a bueno Presidentes Day
Big-a sales, so shop away!
Operaman bye, bye

[ roses are tossed to Operaman across the Update desk ]

Norm MacDonald: There he is! Adam Sandler. Operaman, Adam Sandler, Operaman.

In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.

And finally, the Oscar nominations were announced this week, and Tom Hanks and Jodie Foster are in a heated competition in the Academy’s controversial new category: Best Retard.

Norm MacDonald: Well, that’s it! Thanks, folks, see you next week!

SNL Transcripts