Author: Don Roy King

Goodnights

Bride-To-Be…..Janene Garafalo
Maid Of Honor…..Laura Kightlinger
Friend…..Ellen Cleghorne
Male Dancer…..Chris Elliot
Lawyer…..Alec Baldwin
Judge…..Michael McKean
Groom…..Jay Mohr

[ open on a group of women surrounding the Bride-To-Be at the bridal shower. The Bride-To-Be, sitting between her tow best friends, open up a gift that’s revealed to be skimpy lingerie ]

Bride-To-Be: Aw, you guys!

Friend: Hoooo! Sexyyyy!

Bride-To-Be: [ elated ] This will come in handy on my wedding night!

Maid Of Honor: Oh, sure!

Bride-To-Be: Thank you! Thanks a lot! You guys are great!

Maid Of Honor: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.. the night’s not over.

Bride-To-Be: [ excited by the prospect of what she hopes is coming ] What did you do?

Maid Of Honor: [ smirking ] Mmm-hmm! First of all – tomorrow, you know, you’re a married woman. But, tonight, as far as I’m concerned, you’re still.. single!

Bride-To-Be: [ laughing ] What did you guys do!

Maid Of Honor: Alright.. ladies, shall we? Let’s do it!

Friend: Wait, I gotta get the camera!

Bride-To-Be: What, what..?

Friend: [ now filming every second of the non-stop action ] Ready?

Maid Of Honor: Ready!

[ a giant cake is wheeled into the room. As The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” begins to blare through the room, a male exotic dancer, balding in a hairy sort of unappealing way, pops out from the middle of the cake. ]

[ the Male Dancer begins to strut his stuff in front of the Bride-To-Be ]

Male Dancer: This is for you! Here we go! Now we’re doing it! [ begins to shake his bootie in front of the Bride-To-Be ]

Bride-To-Be: [ disgusted ] Uggghh!!

[ Make Dancer grabs a tower and grinds it across his crotch, then holds the towel to the Bride-To-Be’s face, disgusting her ]

Bride-To-Be: Euuggghh!!

Male Dancer: [ licks his fingers in what’s supposed to be a sexy move ] Oh! It’s getting hot in here. Well, let’s cool things off.. shall we..? [ he grabs a water bottle and pours the water all over his body, then collapses onto the Bride-To-Be on the couch ] Ohh.. sorry.

[ the music picks up, a faster piano beat. Male Dancer dances frantically on the floor, before squeezing next to the Bride-To-Be and the Maid of Honor sitting on the couh, and he proceeds to lick his hands in front of them ]

Bride-To-Be: Oh, that’s gross!

[ Male Dancer removes his shirt, revealing hairy patches all over his stomach and back ]

Male Dancer: Ohhh.. I’m so sorry..!

[ the music shifts to the “Alley Cat Song”, as Male Dancer begins to do a slow tap on the carpet ]

[ dissolve to footage of the Bridale Shower, as seen from the videotape being presented in a court of law ]

[ pull back to show Lawyer standing beside the TV playing this testimony, as he turns the TV off ]

Lawyer: So, Your Honor, I think the video speaks for itself. [ stands behind the Bride-To-Be and her Groom ] And not only has my client had horrible nigtmares, but on her honeymoon.. she was unable to have intercourse with her husband.. because she could not get the image of THAT MAN!! [ points to the Male Dancer ] ..out of her head!

[ cut to Male Dancer in the Witness Box with a big grin on his face ]

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I’ve never seen anything so disturbing and frightening! Judgment for the Plaintiff – in the sum of $2 million! [ slams gavel ]

Male Dancer: Oh! Thank you, Your Honor! [ blows a kiss to the judge, then looks back at the camera with a wide grin ]

[ cue music: “Mr. Bojangles”, The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band ]

[ dissolve to flashback-dream image of the Male Dancer doing his gyrations at the bridal shower ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish
is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
What they don’t understand is,
I mean a jellyfish with long, blonde hair.

SNL Transcripts

A Statement By Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders

Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders…..Ellen Cleghorne

[ open on exterior shot, United Nations Building, with accompanying SUPER:

“Dr. Joycelyn Elders
Surgeon General

Statement On Dismissal

Washington, D.C.” ]

Announcer: Next on C-Span: a statement by Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. President Clinton dismissed Dr. Elders yesterday, after she advocated teaching masturbation in public schools.

[ dissolve to interior press room, as Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders stands before the podium ]

Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders: [ clears her throat ] First of all.. I want to thank the President.. for the opportunity I have hi-ad over the li-ast two years.. to serve the people of the United Sti-ates.. particularly, the children. And even though I will be leaving this post, I will continue to fight for the children.. and for their bi-asic, medical and sexual needs. As I have sa-aid, time and time again.. if masturbation is not taught in the home, then it must be taught in the schools! Every year.. many of our young people.. graduate from high school complete unable to masturbate! And of those who can, most are able to do so only at a fifth-grade level! And.. how many of our children must die.. in masturbation-related accidents? Because they have not been taught the proper techniques of self-gratification? This.. is a national shame!

Now.. what I am proposing.. will not cost a lot of money – pornographic films, X-rated videos, dirty magazines.. The resources and infrastructure are in pli-ace! As my last act as Surgeon General.. I have sent out two hundred and fifty million copies of this instruction pamphlet in English and Spanish.. [ holds up the pamphlet ] ..entitled “How To Masturbate”. It does not take long to read: Step 1, Step 2; then Repeat. I am not proposing that masturbation be mandatory! Wait, yes I am! In the sense that every child will have to do it. Now, how will this new policy be implemented? Some have propsed a moment of silence.. at the beginning of the school day. Those who choose to observe during the moment of silence, may observe any religion they wish, as long as they simultaneously masturbate!

[ a giant hook is stretched out behind Elders, ready to pull her away from the podium in an effort to cut her speech short ]

Now.. I would like to emphasize.. that I do not speak for the President.

[ the hook is retreated from Elders’ back, the cause for alarm no longer imminent ]

Although, on this issue, I have been assured, privately, that we are in total agreement.. [ the hook returns and pulls Elders away from the podium, as she struggles for freedom ] ..as is the First Lady, the Vice-President, the Speaker of the House.. [ pulled away once and for all ] ..Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiight!!“

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: Hey, I’ll be back next year to apologize for stuff I did this year! The Beastie Boys! Beastie Boys! Christian Slater!

Christian Slater: Hey, thank you!

SNL Transcripts

High Stakes Japanese Game Show

Emcee…..Mike Myers
Model…..Laura Kightlinger
Male Contestant…..Alec Baldwin
Female Contestant…..Janene Garofalo
Larry Templeton…..Chris Farley

Emcee: [ opens game show, speaking in Japanese ]

Model: [ banters with Emcee in Japanese ]

Emcee: [ introduces Male Contestant ]

Male Contestant: [ responds ]

Emcee: [ introduces Female Contestant, blows her a kiss ]

Female Contestant: [ responds, waves ]

Emcee: [ in his best English ] Mil-wau-kee.. Wis-con-sin.. Rarry Temperton.

Larry Templeton: [ confused ] I-I-I’m.. sorry.. I don’t speak Japanese.

Emcee: Larry-san! [ rambles Japanese too quick for Larry to interpret ]

Larry Templeton: I-I don’t understand.. There’s been a little mistake..

Emcee: [ continues further, telling a joke in Japanese and laughing ]

Larry Templeton: [ laughing politely ] You see, my wife Mary and I are here on vacation.. It’s a lovely country, everyone’s been great. Anyhoo, the concierge at the hotel said, “Do you wanna go to a game show?” Well..

Emcee: [ interrupts, confusing Larry fufther ]

Larry Templeton: See, I thought she meant see a game show, not be on a game show! Big mistake! Big.. mistake!

Emcee: [ reads question in Japanese ] Nana ju, hiaku, hochi juhotchi? Akira-san?

Male Contestant: Nana ju?

[ buzzer sounds ]

Emcee: Shasira-san?

Female Contestant: Hiaku?

[ buzzer sounds ]

Emcee: Larry-san?

Larry Templeton: Me? I don’t know.. I’m sorry.. Does anybody here speak English? Do you guys speak English? I..

Emcee: Larry-san: nana ju, hiaku, hochi juhotchi.

Larry Templeton: Could I pass? You know what, I pass! Uh..

Emcee: Nana ju, hiaku, hochi.. juhotchi.

Larry Templeton: H-hochi.. ju-hotchi..?

[ Larry wins Y50,000, Emcee cheers ]

Larry Templeton: [ pleased and surprised ] Really! Alright! Well! Hanuka! Hanuka! [ laughs ]

Emcee: [ reads next question ] Kagamoosha, dokie dokie, ka, Godzilla. Tick-tock tick-tock..

Larry Templeton: I-I-I’m sorry.. kas-mooch?

Emcee: Kagamoosha, dokie dokie, ka, Godzilla.

Larry Templeton: Ah. [ writes his answer ]

[ timer goes off ]

Emcee: Akira-san!

Male Contestant: Kagamoosha!

[ his answer wrong, Male Contestant places his hand on a napkin and slices it off with a knife ]

Larry Templeton: [ disturbed ] OH, MY GOD!! DO YOU SEE THAT?!!

[ Emcee laughs, moves on to Female Contestant ]

Emcee: Shasira-san!

Female Contestant: Kagamoosha?

[ her answer wrong, Female Contestant complies with game show rules and slices her hand off as well ]

Larry Templeton: GOOD LORD!! In the name of all that’s sacred!!

Emcee: Larry-san? [ reaches for answer ]

Larry Templeton: [ pulls answer away, shaking ] You know what? I shouldn’t be here..!

Emcee: Larry-san! [ grabs answer and pulls it from Larry, reading it ] Godzilla? Godzilla.

[ buzzer sounds; Larry’s answer is correct, he wins Y200,000 ]

Larry Templeton: Really! That was great, thank you very much! 200,000 Yen! how much is that in dollars? [ laughs ]

[ Larry is led to the Bonus Round, which consists of an electrical device that is attached via jumper cables to Larry’s pants ]

Larry Templeton: Hey, excuse me, I won. What the heck are you doing here? Just a second here.. [ Emcee laughs ] MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE!! [ Emcee prepares to ask question ] MARY, CALL THE AMERICAN EMBASSY!! [ Emcee asks question ] I DON’T KNOW!!! [ Emcee prepares to pull electrical switch ] NO, WAIT!! WAIT!! I know it, I know it!! [ nervous ] Uh.. Kwa-.. ki-.. sur-.. pi-.. ne-.. ku..?

Emcee: Kwakisurpineku?

Larry Templeton: [ confident ] Yes! Kwakisurpineku! [ laughs ]

Emcee: Hunji! Does it count!

[ judges shake heads no ]

Larry Templeton: [ elated ] Kwakisurpineku! Kwakisurpineku!

[ gong sounds ]

Emcee: Ohhhh.. Kwa-ki-sur-pi-pi-ku! [ pulls electrical switch, shocking Larry ]

Larry Templeton: AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH!!!!

[ Emcee and Model wave goodbye as game show ends ]

SNL Transcripts

L.A. Breast & Penis

Dr. Mark…..Alec Baldwin
Dr. Ted…..Chris Elliot
Nurse Sheila…..Janene Garafalo
Dr. Doug…..Kevin Nealon
Mr. Stone…..Michael McKean
Wife…..Ellen Cleghorne
Grandson…..Chris Farley
Mr. Fletcher…..Mike Myers
Mrs. Fletcher…..Laura Kightlinger

[ open on Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]

Announcer: Last week on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

Nurse Sheila: Doctor, we’re losing him!

Dr. Mark: [ stern ] Bigger!

Dr. Ted: For the love of God, Mark! Those breasts are big enough!

Dr. Mark: I said bigger! Forty more cc’s of saline!

Dr. Ted: Damn it, Mark! you’re playing God!

Dr. Mark: When it comes to these women’s breasts, Ted.. I am God!

Dr. Ted: Mark, you arrogant bastard! I’m gonna have you in front of the Review Board!

Dr. Mark: You do that, Ted.. but don’t forget that seven out of the eight penises on that Board were enlarged by these hands.

[ the scene freezes ]

Announcer: This week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

[ dissolve to scene in employee lounge ]

Nurse Sheila: Phew.. a little slow tonight – just a few nipple lifts.

Dr. Doug: Yeah.. that’s okay with me. I haven’t slept in three days.

[ Dr. Mark enters the employee lounge ]

Dr. Mark: Hey, Doc, how was your 8:30 penis? How did it go?

Dr. Doug: Well, it was a piece of cake. No surprises.

[ the phone rings ]

Dr. Mark: [ answers the phone ] Breast & Penis, Dr. Caldicott speaking.. What? My God! We’ll be ready! [ hangs up the phone ] Assemble al the surgical teams! There’s been a train wreck.. and they’re bringing us the survivors.

Nurse Sheila: Why us? We’re not a regular hospital.

Dr. Mark: Because we’re the closest facility, and every second counts! Let’s move it!

[ dissolve to the beginning of a long hallway, as Doctors Mark, Ted and Doug, Nurse Sheila, and countless other hospital personnel enter the hall pushing a patient on a stretcher. Throughout the credits, they re-enter the long stretch of hallway two more times, the hall seeming to be one neverending vestibule. ]

[ title card: “L.A. Breast & Penis”, flashing ]

[ SUPER: “Starring Josh Highhorn as Dr. Mark Caldicott” ]

[ SUPER: “Flippo Wood as Dr. Ted Hatcher” ]

[ SUPER: “Amber-Kelly Gable as Nurse Sheila Ten Bears” ]

[ SUPER: “And Hector Elizondo as Dr. Hector Belizondo” ]

[ Doctors Mark and Ted stop the entourage for a couple of seconds, as they argue about which directon down the hall they’re supposed to run, then continue the same way they were going ]

[ SUPER: “Created by David E. Kelley” ]

[ Dr. Mark enters the waiting room to greet Mr. Stone ]

Dr. Mark: Mr. Stone?

Mr. Stone: [ jumps up ] Yes, Doctor! My wife was in the train wreck, how is she?

Dr. Mark: Well.. I’m afraid she’s blind. I wish we could have done more, but I don’t know anything about eye surgery.. except for, you know, lid lifts and such.

Mr. Stone: [ weeping ] Oh, my God.. Janet!

Dr. Mark: I know it’s a small consolation, and nothing could ver make up for the gift of sight, but we were able to enlarge her breasts by twice their size.

Mr. Stone: [ tearful of the circumstances ] Doctor, can I see her?

Dr. Mark: Yes. But please remember that her nipples are still very sensitive.

Mr. Stone: No, I.. I just want to talk to her.

Dr. Mark: Oh. Alright. This way.

[ Dr. Ted exits into the waiting room to greet his pantient’s wife ]

Dr. Ted: Phew! That was a tough one!

Wife: Doctor.. is my husband gonna be alright??

Dr. Ted: [ with a smirk ] I think you’re gonna be very pleased!

Wife: So he’s breathing?!

Dr. Ted: Breathing? Well, I.. I couldn’t tell you anything about that.. but, uh.. he is hung like a stallion.

Wife: Oh..! Doctor..!

Dr. Ted: No no, that’s fine.. the look on your face is all the thanks I need. It’s.. it’s what I do. I make penises bigger. Come on – let’s take a look at him. Come on.

[ they exit back into the E.R. ]

[ Nurse Sheila wheels Grandma into the waiting room ]

Nurse Sheila: Here we go, Mrs. Campbell!

Grandson: [ excited ] Grandma! You’re okay!

Nurse Sheila: Now, remember – your nipples are gonna be very sensitive for a few days.

Grandma: [ breathy and chipper ] Thank you!

[ Grandson wheels his Grandma out the hospital ]

[ Dr. Mark steps into the waiting room to greet an older, worried couple – the Fletchers ]

Dr. Mark: Mr. & Mrs. Fletcher!

Mr. Fletcher: Doctor! how’s our son?

Dr. Ted: Well, you know.. when he came in, he was in pretty bad shape. But.. the only thing we could do is give him a complete sex change.

Dr. Mark: Yah, we lost the penis completely.. but we gave him a pair of lovely, enormous breasts.

Dr. Ted: Yes! He’s now the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.

Mr. Fletcher: He didn’t want a sex change!! He’s married, with three kids!!

Dr. Mark: Ohh.. geez.

Dr. Ted: Well.. [ chuckles ] ..then I guess he’s gonna want this. [ hands the Fletchers a paper bag ]

[ Mr. Fletcher takes the bag, as he and Mrs. Fletcher peek inside ]

Mrs. Fletcher: Ohh!!

[ Doctors Mark and Ted walk back into the E.R. ]

Dr. Mark: Doctor.. you did some pretty good work in there.

Dr. Ted: Oh, you too, Doctor.

Dr. Mark: Hey – I’m buying.

Dr. Ted: Okay.

[ they disappear down the hall ]

[ SUPER: “Executive Producer David E. Kelly (Michelle Pfeiffer’s Husband)” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”..

[ dissolve to Doctors Mark and Ted and Nurse Sheila sourrounding a patient as they perform surgery ]

Dr. Ted: My God, Mark! What have you done?! That’s the largest penis I’ve ever seen!

Dr. Mark: Exactly! This is my masterpiece!

Nurse Sheila: Good lord, he’s only ten years old!

[ scene freezes, as title card appears ]

Announcer: Next week, on “L.A. Breast & Penis”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Adam Sandler

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be back here in New York, hosting “Saturday Night Live” tonight. I join the prestigious Five-Timer’s Club! [ audience applauds wildly ] I just wanted to say it’s especially great, because, after my fourth time hosting, I wasn’t sure I’d be invited back.

You see.. on that show, I appeared in a sketch called “Canteen Boy Goes Camping”. [ audience applauds wildly, remembering the sketch fondly ] In this sketch, I played Mr. Armstrong, a scout master on a camping trip, who was attempting, ultimately without success, to seduce the Canteen Boy, a shy, somewhat unhip, assisant scout master, played by Adam Sandler. Now, even though the character of Canteen Boy is a grown man, a perfectly intelligent 27-year old – nbot a child – some people got the wrong idea, and, frankly, all hell broke loose. The NBC switchboard handled over 300,000 angry phone calls that night alone, and the netowrk lost 7 affiliates as a result of the sketch; Sinead O’Conner ripped up a picture of Canteen Boy to deafening cheers at London’s Wembley Stadium; and Soldier Of Fortune magazine reported a 25% drop in the sale of canteens.

Just when things looked the bleakest, suddenly something really wonderful began to happen. People who never seem to agree on anything, came together for the first time to denounce the Canteen Boy sketch. I, personally, received a letter inviting me to burn in Hell forever – signed jointly by Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill. Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney announced they would collaborate on an anti-Canteen Boy album. While North and South Korean issued a joint communicate, calling for Adam Sandler’s excecution.

Unable to ignore this positive energy engendered by the sketch, I decided to seize the momentum myself. I am proud to announce that Adam Sandler and I will be touring the country next year, visitng schools, churches and community centers, to foster healing and tolerance. Adam, you want to come up here for a second, please?

[ Adam Sandler steps out dressed as Canteen Boy, to thunderous applause ]

Now.. now, tonigt we would like to give you a preview of a play we will be performing as a part of our multimedia program “Out of the Tent & Proud: A Politically-Correct Version of Canteen Boy.” I will be playing the part of scout master Mr. Armstrong, and Adam will be playing.. the Canteen Boy. Okay, Adam?

Adam Sandler: I’m ready, Alec!

Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “It’s good to see you again, consenting bisexual canteenperson.”

Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] “Likewise.”

Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “Would you mind if I stick my hand up the front of yor shirt?”

Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] Yes, I would. But I appreciate your asking for my consent, Mr. Armstrong.”

Alec Baldwin: [ as Scout Master ] “You’re saying no, and I hear you loud and clear, Canteen Boy.”

Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] “Whatever.”

Alec Baldwin: [ bows ] Thank you!

Adam Sandler: [ bows ] Thank you!

Alec Baldwin: This tour is cerainly not the solution to what ails this land, but it’s a start. Also, we have a great show for you tonight.

Adam Sandler: [ as Canteen Boy ] The Beastie Boys are here.

Alec Baldwin: So stick around! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Rookie Cop

Jerome…..Tim Meadows
Police Chief…..Alec Baldwin
Rookie…..Jay Mohr
Cop #1…..Adam Sandler
Cop #2…..David Spade
Coroner…..Michael McKean
Pregnant Cop…..Janeane Garofalo
Commissioner…..Mike Myers
Voice on Walkie-Talkie…..Tom Davis
Reporter…..Ellen Cleghorne
Wife…..Laura Kightlinger
Husband…..Norm MacDonald
Red Skeffington…..Chris Elliott
Mayor Rudolph Giuliani…..Kevin Nealon
Newspaper Boy…..Chris Farley

[ open on “Rookie Cop” title card, then slow dissolve to a mysterious crime scene ]

Jerome: [ shaking his head ] Not good at all..

[ the Police Chief and his Rookie step up to the scene, the vomit-hoses running up their pants legs clearly visible to even the casual viewer ]

Police Chief: Hey, what do we got here?

Jerome: Oh, it’s a messy one. It looks like a shotgun – up close.. close range.

Police Chief: Think you can handle the sight of blood, Rookie? Or you wanna go back to the car?

Rookie: I can handle it.

Police Chief: Alright.

Jerome: I gotta tell ya – it’s pretty gruesome. The worst I’ve seen in twenty years. [ pulls back the cloth, revealing the gruesome shotgun fatality ]

Police Chief: [ whistles ]

[ overcome by the shock and grossness of the fatality, the Rookie holds his hands to his face and vomits all over the pavement ]

Police Chief: Hey, hey, hey! Pull yourself together, Rookie! Welcome to Homicide!

[ suddenly, Jerome lifts his hands to his face and packs a pile of vomit to the sidewalk as well ]

Police Chief: You, too, Jerome?

Jerome: No.. it’s him! Whenever I see somebody vomit, it makes me vomit!

[ a pair of Cops enter the scene ]

Cop #1: Well, well, well, well.. whatta we got here?

Cop #2: [ detects the scent of vomit in the air, laughs as the prop vomit begins to prematurely drip from the hose up his sleeve ] Oh, God..! Who puked?!

[ the two of them hold their hands to their faces, letting the prop vomit pour from the hose in their sleeves, slightly slipping on the vomit already splattered on the pavement ]

Rookie: I’m sorry, guys, I started it. I vomited when I saw the body.

Cop #1: [ confused ] Body? Wh-what body?

Rookie: This one right here. [ lifts the sheet, revealing the mutilated face ]

Cop #1: Oh, boy..

Cop #2: Oh, geez.. [ trying not to crack up ]

[ once again, the vomit begins to spill from the hose prematurely, as Sandler and Spade quickly raise their hands to their faces to save the illusion of them vomiting all over the pavement ]

Police Chief: Hey! C’mon, c’mon.. pull yourselves together here! I want this area sealed off – I want you to go get some buckets. Double time! Go, go, go! [ the two cops run off the scene ] Hey, here comes the Coroner! [ the Coroner enters the scene ] How ya’ doing, Doc?

Coroner: Alright, whatta we got here, Tom?

Police Chief: Uhh.. gunshot, Doc. Pretty bad.

Yeah, well, I’ve seen a thousand of these. [ looks at the body ] Looks pretty normal to- [ suddenly raises his own hands and vomits all over the pavement ]

Police Chief: Gee, Doc, it’s that horrible, huh?

Coroner: Oh, no.. I had some bad tuna fish for lunch, I’ve been doing this all day! [ vomits again ] Ah, it looks pretty routine! [ exits the scene ]

[ Cheryl, a pregnant cop, enters the scene ]

Pregnant Cop: Hey, guys, what’s up?

Police Chief: Cheryl, you better stay out of here – it’s pretty bloody!

Pregnant Cop: So?

Police Chief: So, you’re pregnant, you have the flu, and you’re a rookie! You’re bound to vomit!

Pregnant Cop: [ defensive ] Why don’t you just say what you’re really thinking – I’m a woman! Well, this woman cop can handle it! [ lifts the sheet to examine the body, dispensing more vomit onto the pavement ]

Rookie: Hold it in, Cheryl..

Police Chief: [ looks offscreen ] Hey, Commissioner! Over here! How ya doing, you okay?

Commissioner: Sorry, Tom, I’m a.. little nauseous. I was reading some reports in the car on the way over. I know that was a dumb thing to do, but- [ notices the body, raises his hands to his face and vomits ]

[ Police Chief’s walkie-talkie begins to buzz ]

Voice on Walkie-Talkie: Tommy? Tommy! What’s going on there?

Police Chief: We got a shotgun victim. His face is half blown off!

[ sound effect of vomiting can be heard on the walkie-talkie, perhaps the most flawless vomit of the night ]

[ cut to a Special Report, as the Reporter delivers the hot news item a few feet in front of the gruesome discovery ]

Reporter: Good evening. Police in Lower Manhatten made a gruesome discovery in an alley between Mulberry and Mott, where- [ lifts her hands to the face and vomits, unintentionally making the vomit squirt and spurt like from a garden hose ]

[ cut to a Husband and Wife watching the report on the TV in their living room. As they watch the Reporter vomit, they too begin to vomit all over their living room ]

[ camera pans left to the family’s stuffed pet dog, who begins to spit a steady streem of vomit out of his own unmoving mouth ]

[ dissolve to Red Skeffington in a private meeting with Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, as they stand in front of a color map of New York City and its surrounding buroughs ]

Red Skeffington: Alright, Mr. Mayor.. you got puke over here.. you got puke here, here, and over there. It’s all over the city, and uh.. it’s about to cross the East River and go into Queens. A lot of voters in Queens, Mr. Mayor. Let me tell oyu something about voters – they don’t like taxes, and they don’t like puke!

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Dammit, Red, I know that! Can you help us, can you clean it up?

Red Skeffington: [ chuckles ] I can clean up your little vomit problem, Mr. Mayor! But it’s gonna cost ya!

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ miffed ] Where’s your sense of decency? Don’t you care what happens to this city, Red?

Red Skeffington: Hey! Red Skeffington cares about nobody but Red Skeffington!

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Fine.. fine..

Red Skeffington: Yeah.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Alright, whattaya want?

Red Skeffington: Alright! I want ten million! I want five now, and five when the vomit’s gone!

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ giving in ] Alright..

Red Skeffington: Alright! That’s what I want to hear! Alright, I’m gonna need ten police helicopters.. I’m gonna need 100 tons of sawdut.. I’m gonna need about two dozen pushbrooms.. and about four thousand gallons of potpourri scents. I’m gonna drop the potpourri on the city, I’m gonna let it dry, and then I’m gonna vacuum.

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ skeptical ] Will that work?

Red Skeffington: Oh, it’ll work, Mr. Mayor.. it’ll work, don’t you worry.. [ looks on a table and spots a tray of delicious deviled eggs ] Hey! Deviled eggs! Oh boy, these are my favorite! Mmm.. [ picks up the plate and begins to eat the eggs one by one ] But these taste odd..

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: [ looks over, suddenly realizing what Red is doing ] Oh, no! Don’t eat those! Those are left over from the Mandela reception, back in 1992! They’re not good!

Red Skeffington: [ spits the deviled eggs from his mouth, and bends over with hopes of vomiting ] Agghh.. agghh.. agghh..! [ lifts his arms to his mouth, but no vomit spews from the hose ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: What’s the matter?

Red Skeffington: I got dry heaves.. [ suddenly, the hose pumps the vomit out at a fast rate ] Whoa, here it comes! [ vomits all over the floor ]

[ with that, Mayor Guiliani begins to vomit as well, blowing his chunks all over Red’s backside ]

Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: I’m sorry..

[ dissolve to a spinning newspaper, as it rests on a headline providing news of the vomit flood, as well as news of Red Skeffington’s death from choking on his own vomit ]

[ dissolve to Newspaper Boy cranking the wheel that makes the newspaper spin. With one look at the dizzying effect, he, too, loses control and vomits in every which direction, like a fountain out of control. ]

[ show “Rookie Cop” title card, then dissolve back to the earlier crime scene ]

Police Chief: Hey, hey, hey! What’s wrong with you, Rookie?!

Rookie: I just peed my pants!

[ as expected, the Police Chief vomits all over the Rookie Cop, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Santa Believers

Mom…..Janene Garafalo
Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Policeman…..Kevin Nealon

Mom: Anything?!

Dad: Anything at all?!

Mom: Did you look around?

Dad: Did you look in the basement? Did you look in the front yard?

Mom: [ disappointed at the putcome ] Ohhh..

Dad: Again? Again?! I can’t believe it! We’ve been good all year! Did you send the chekc to the United Way?

Mom: Yes, I did.

Dad: Are you sure you didn’t forget?

Mom: Carl, you were there! Don’t blame this on me!

[ the doorbell rings, Dad answers the door to find a Police Officer standing on the porch holding parts of their exterior Christmas decorations in his hands ]

Police Officer: Hi. Excuse me – are these yours?

Dad: Yes..

Police Officer: They were blowing down the street.

Dad: [ grumpy ] So they must have fallen down. Thank you.

Police Officer: That’s some display you got out front. Waht’s that white thing you got on the roof?

Dad: ..It’s a salt lick.

Mom: For the reindeer?

Police Officer: [ chuckling ] Yeah, right! [ looks at the Christmas tree bearing no presents beneath, three sad-looking children surrounding the tree ] Hey, uh.. is everytihng okay here?

Dad: Well.. they didn’t get anything for Christmas.

Mom: Yeah..

Dad: The wife and I can handle it, but it’s very hard on the kids.

Police Officer: Oh, gee, that’s terrible.. Hey, I tell you what.. [ pulls a twnety out of his wallet ] Here.

Dad: What’s this?

Police Officer: Ah, go ahead. Take it. Just ’til you get your feet back on.

Dad: [ confused ] My feet are back on. I’ve had the best year of my life.

Police Officer: [ confused as well ] Well, then.. what’s the problem?

Mom: I don’t know, Officer, we’ve been racking our brains, we can’t figure it out..

Police Officer: Hmm..

Dad: The kids have been good, they’ve been little angels all year. so have we. Mary’s even been volunteering at the children’s hospital!

Mom: And he’s been working at the soup kitchen – and look! We had a new chimney put in! It’s the biggest one they make – the kind bakeries use!

Dad: And we left cookies out.. and milk! [ points to the various pitchers of milk on the mantel ] Look – whole milk, skim milk, 2% milk, got’s milk. I mean, for God’s sake, this is moose milk! [ outraged ] What does this fat, sleigh-riding sonofabitch WANT from us?!!

Mom: [ screams in panic ] Ssshh! He can hear us! [ turns to the police officer ] Did he come to your house this year?

Police Officer: Yes.

Dad: Oh, of course he did – Officer!

Police Officer: [ more confused than ever ] Uh.. I’m not following something.. did.. did somebody steal the presents?

Dad: [ sighs his exasperation ] Haven’t you been listening? Hell-o-o-o-o??! Officer! There are no presents!

Police Officer: [ unable to comprehend this as being for real ] You didn’t buy anything?

Mom: [ confused ] Why would we buy anything?!

Police Officer: [ scratches his head ] Are you people mentally..? I mean, the thing is.. you’re supposed to buy the presents.

Dad: Ri-i-i-ight.. good plan. We buy the toys.. then Santa comes down the chimney, sees our toys, and what? He’d be furious! That’s his job! We’d never get off that damn naughty list!

Police Officer: Okay.. okay, I understand.. okay.. [ attempts to explain the reality of Christmas to these people ] There’s nooo.. you.. [ not sure where to even start ] There is no Santa Claus! Okay? That’s just something you tell the kids.

Mom: And the toys appear how? Black magic? [ laughs ] Come on! The elves make the toys, and then – poof! There they are, and you wake up!

Police Officer: Look.. you buy the presents! The parents buy the presents! Then, after the kids go to sleep, you put them around the tree, you eat the cookies and drink the milk!

Mom: But.. [ confused ] Why even bother with the cookies and milk?

Police Officer: [ clears throat ] Well, that’s part of the fun!

Mom: [ can’t believe where this nut has been ] Oh.. okay.. I see. That explains everything. Doesn’t it, darling?

Dad: Yeah, it certainly does, darling! What were we thinking!

Police Officer: [ fails to realize these people still don’t get it, that they’re just putting him on ]

Dad: Hey – how embarrassing!

Mom: Yes!

Dad: We’re certainly glad you stopped by, Offficer.

Mom: Thank you. Season’s Greetings.

Police Officer: Glad I could help. Have a Merry Christmas!

Dad: Merry Christmas.

[ they show the Police Officer out, then shut the door ]

Mom: Woo-hoo-hoo!

Dad: Our tax dollars at work.

Mom: Don’t worry – I got his badge number, I’m gonna report him. Come here, kids.

[ Mom and Dad sit on the couch, as the kids climb on their laps ]

Dad: Okay, kids. Next year begins now. Stop crying, ’cause Santa hates crying. We’ve gotta try even better!

Mom: You know what? Next year, we can leave out more cookies! And fresher milk! We’ll make bigger signs, better signs! Neon signs!

Together as a family: YAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Family Road Trip

Dad…..Michael McKean
Mom…..Janene Garafalo

[ open on family taking a road trip to Grandma’s – Dad and Mom in the front, with an unseen number of children making various noises in the backseat ]

Dad: Hey.. hey! Quiet down back there, no roughhousing. I will stop this car!

Mom: Listen, kids.. we’re halfway to Grandma’s – only three more hours. Now, Travis, you keep your seatbelt buckled! Maryann, roll up the window, you’re letting the heat out!

Dad: What? Jason.. you just went! .. No! I’m not stopping! Just think about something else. [ an object is thrown at his head ] Alright – who threw that?! Put that down, you’ll get it back when you get to Grandma’s! Now settle down! I will stop this car! Don’t test me, I’ll pull over! [ grabs a weapon from the back seat ] Julia, give me that.

Mom: Oh..

Dad: We’ll discuss this later. Alright, let’s play a game, shall we? Who can be quiet the longest? Okay, ready? Go! [ the noises persist ] That’s it, you all lose.

Mom: Christie.. baby.. what is that? Spit it out. Give me that, is tha- Who gave the baby gum?! Ah, that’s disgusting! Ohhh.. next time, Grandma’s coming to our house.

Dad: Yeah, I hear ya.. I hear ya.. [ a hand yanks at his sweater ] Hey! Let go of my sweater! I’m driving here, let go! I will stop this car! Carl and Lisa, separate! Do you want me to stop this car?! [ blowtorch ] Turn off that assembling torch! Torch off! That is not a car toy! I mean it! Do not test me, young man!

Mom: I know.. let’s sing our Family Song. “When you’re down..”

Together: “..and troubled.. and you need a helping hand.. [ Mom reaches back to seize a bong from one of the kids ] ..and nothing, no nothing, is going right.”

[ blood ]

Mom: Ohhh!

Dad: Oh, geez! Would you.. stop! Put a tourniquet on your sister now! N-O-W – now! I’m.. I will pull over right here! I am not bluff- I am not bluffing! Do you understand? I am- [ points his finger at the kids, but it’s grabbed violently ] Please! That is my driving finger! Let go! I will stop this car!

[ suddenly, one of the kids is seen looking into the car from the other side of the windshield ]

Mom: Ohhhhh, Wesley!

Dad: Wesley, what are you doing?

Mom: Ohhhhh..

Dad: Wesley, get back in here this minute! I mean it! I will stop this car! I will- do you hear the tone in my voice?! I will stop this car!

Mom: Okay, that is why we keep our seatbelts fasten- [ shot ] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Dad: Oh, God.. alright, who shot your mother?! I won’t- I won’t be angry, I just want to know. Now, Mavis, give me the gun! Give me the gun, Mavis! Mavis, give me the gun!

[ car goes over the bridge, into the river ]

Dad: Alright, roll up the window, we don’t want a lot of water in here!

Mom: Roll it up!

Dad: Timmy, don’t put that fish in your mouth! Wesley! Get your butt in here now!

Mom: Get.. in.. the.. carrrr..!

Dad: N-O-W – I will stop this car!

[ pan back to reveal fake car prop in front of a green screen, as we fade ]

SNL Transcripts