Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Buck Daniels

Country Singer…..Michael McKean
Buck Daniels…..Steve Martin
Tammy Lee…..Janeane Garofalo
Whores…..Ellen Cleghorne, Laura Kightlinger
Jackie Mason…..Adam Sandler

Country Singer: I wrote a song about a man, a dreamer… who achieved it all but lost it. Man’s name was Buck Daniels. This is his song.

[ starts playing guitar and singing ]

“The boy was born on a Texas highway
In the back of a pickup truck.
Proud papa lifts his son to the sky
And says “Boy, your name is Buck.”

The boy grows up in a Kansas shack,
Learns how to play guitar.
At night he dreams his Nashville dreams
Someday I’ll be a star.

Oh Buck Daniels, the plans he made.
Oh Buck Daniels the price he paid.
The boy was a hit at the honkey tonks,
Becoming what he wanted to be.

One summer day he got a record contract
Took a jet plane to Kansas City.
The boy meets a girl in a greasy spoon,
Who says her name is Tammy Lee.
He treated her like the Queen of Spain,
And respected her virginity.

Oh Buck Daniels, his passion delayed.
Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.

The boy’s got a single climbin’ the charts
Starts getting a little bit cocky
Doesn’t call home much anymore.
Things with Tammy Lee get rocky.
Boy’s first album hits number one.
Gets an endorsement deal with Coors.
He tells Tammy Lee to hit the road,
Takes up with a couple of whores.

Oh Buck Daniels, the mistakes he made.Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.

The second single doesn’t do so good
And the crowd starts headin’ out.
Tammy Lee won’t take his calls.
One of the whores punches him in the mouth
The end of the line for this poor boy
And the death of the dream he was chasin’.
Came one night when he was caught
In bed with comedian Jackie Mason.”

Jackie Mason: I suppose this doesn’t look too good. But I came here for a sandwich. He told me there was a sandwich in the bed. I get in the bed and there was no sandwich. And a pff, and a pff, and a pfft.

Guitarist: [ singing ]
“Oh Buck Daniels, the plans he made.
Oh Buck Daniels, the trail he laid.
Oh Buck Daniels, he drank some Raid.
Oh Buck Daniels, the price he paid.
The price he… paid

[ audience applauding ]

Country Singer: Thank you.

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Clinton Auditions

President Bill Clinton…..Chris Farley
President Bill Clinton…..David Spade
President Bill Clinton…..Chris Elliot
President Bill Clinton…..Adam Sandler
President Bill Clinton…..Tim Meadows

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Farley dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I’m President Bill Clinton. Over the last several weeks, as the crisis in Haiti has consumed my attention, many of you might have noticed I’ve put on a few extra pounds. That’s right, I’ve got a little bit of a weight problem! You see, ol’ Bill has what doctors call a glandular disorder! Well, what in the Sam Hill.. are we gonna DO ABOUT IT?!! I’ll TELL you what we’re gonna DO!! We’re gonna JOG!! We’re gonna do some SIT-UPS!! We’re gonna lift some weights!! We’re gonna do JUMPING JACKS and CARTWHEELS!!

[ Farley cartwheels across the Oval Office set, crashing into part of the set ]

Director’s Voice: Thank you, Chris.

Chris Farley: [ back on his feet ] Was that good, Davy?

Director’s Voice: Very good.

Chris Farley: Was that all right?

Director’s Voice: Yes. Uh.. great energy, Chris. Next!

[ David Spade enters set, also dressed like Clinton ]

David Spade: Good job, Chris. Go towel off.

Director’s Voice: Are you ready, David?

David Spade: Yeah. Sure. Let’s try it!

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, David Spade dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

President Bill Clinton: Okay, fellow Americans. Bill Clinton here. You want to know how I solved the Haiti crisis? Listen up. First, I called Jimmy Carter. [ mimes dialing phone ] Beep-boop-bop-boop-beep-bop-beep! “Jimmy. Bill. Sick of being a loser, one-term president everyone feels sorry for? [ snidely ] Uh-then get down to Haiti! It’s called doing something useful – look into it.”

Director’s Voice: Okay, thank you, David.

David Spade: Uh..okay, I have one more. Uh.. the Prime Minister of Japan and I saw the movie “Wyatt Earp”; he said, “They should call it ‘Wyatt So Long?'”

Director’s Voice: Thanks!

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Chris Elliot dressed like President Bill Clinton ]

[ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Chris Elliot ]

Chris Elliot: Uh.. Hal, before we begin-

Director’s Voice: Uh.. it’s Davey.

Chris Elliot: Oh.. sorry, I’m new here. Uh.. Before we begin, I’d like to, uh.. let everyone know where I’m coming from with, uh.. this Bill Clinton. Um.. after studying Bill Clinton for quite some time now, I’ve discovered that there’s an astonishing similarity between our 43rd President and that other famous curmudgeon: the lat,e beloved W.C. Fields. So, with that in mind, I present.. my Bill Clinton!

[ Chris turns around to prepare his impression ]

Director’s Voice: Uh, you’ve got about twenty seconds left, Chris.

Chris Elliot: [ back to camera, waves Director’s warning off ] Ungh! Ungh!

[ Chris turns around to do his impression ]

President Bill Clinton: Ah, yeeeesss! Ah, yes! My little chickadee! Ah, yes..

Director’s Voice: Uh.. ten seconds, Chris. Ten seconds.

President Bill Clinton: Ah, yes, Chelsea. Gwt away from me, kid, you’re bothering me! Where’s my drinks?

Director’s Voice: Uh.. thank you, Chris.

Chris Elliot: Um, Hal, I’m just having one other thought here.. um.. Lou Costello! [ breaks into character ] “I’m a baaaad boy!” Something.. something like that. Use it, don’t use it.. it’s no skin off my nose!

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Adam Sandler dressed like President Bill Clinton holding a guitar ]

[ audience applauds wildly at the sight of Adam Sandler ]

President Bill Clinton: Hi. Hi, there, I’m Bill Clinton.. and I’m the President. You know, back when I was a little kid in Arkansas, I never thought I could be elected President, because of my thick Arkansas accent. But, uh.. I became President anyway, so I wrote a little song about it!

[ singing ]

“Love to be the President..
Love to be the President.

Pres-pres-presi-presi-presi-di-doo!”

Director’s Voice: Uh.. okay, Adam, thank you..

President Bill Clinton: “Babies like it when you say, ‘Goo-goo-goo!'”

Director’s Voice: Uh.. next!

Adam Sandler: Uh, wait! I can also do his walk!

[ Sandler performs a comic walk ]

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, Tim Meadows dressed like a black President Bill Clinton ]

Announcer: The following is a message from President Bill Clinton.

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I feel your pain. Hillary and I were talking- [ breaks character ] I’m not gonna get this, am I?

Director’s Voice: No!

Tim Meadows: Well, uh.. can I at least start the show?

Director’s Voice: Okay.

Tim Meadows: Great! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin

Steve Martin: I think we all had a great time here, on the first show of the 20th Anniversary season of “Saturday Night Live”. I’d like to thank Eric.. [ shakes Eric Clapton’s hand ] Brian.. [ shakes Brian Austin Green’s hand ] Everybody! Thanks a lot! Tune in every week! All our baseball stars are there! See you next week! Thanks a lot for stopping by!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

hht Home Headache Test

Wife…..Janene Garafalo
Husband…..Kevin Nealon
Spokesman…..Michael McKean

[ open on couple standing before the camera ]

Wife: I’ve got this pain in my forehead that goes all the way to the base of my neck! It feels like I have a headache – but now can I be sure.

Husband: I feel fine. But what if I have a really bad headache – and don’t know it?

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you’re wondering if you have a headache, you want an answer, and you want it fast! That’s why Leland-Meyers has developed.. HHt – the first At-Home Headache Test available in the United States. To use the home headache test, simply draw a moderate amount of blood. Place it in the centerfuge. Put a drop on the tester strip. And wait two hours. If the spot turns blue, you have a headache. If the spot turns green, you don’t. If the spot turns purple, results are inconclusive; try again, with a larger blood sample. Convenient.. safe, if properly performed.. and up to 80% accurate.

[ cut to Wife clutching her head in pain ]

Wife: Oh, God.. I’m in agony..!

Husband: [ holding results strip ] Honey, you don’t have a headache.

Wife: Oh, thank God!

Husband: [ looks at second strip ] Neither do I!

[ they giggle happily ]

Spokesman: The Home Headache Test. From Leland-Meyers Because, what’s worse – having a bad headache? Or not knowing you have a headache?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Steve Martin’s Monologue

…..Steve Martin
…..Lorne Michaels

Steve Martin: Thank you, thank you! I am so excited to be hosting the first show of the 20th season of “Saturday Night Live”! [ audience applauds ] When Lorne called me, I told him I was so flattered that you asked me.. I mean, there’s so many people you could have asked – Tom Hanks, what an exciting summer he’s had.. or Jim Carrey, the new and exciting comedy star. And Lorne said, “Well.. they passed.”

But it’s great to be here back live in front of people. I mean, I love doing movies, because.. well, the movies are very important to our lives. I can still remember sitting in a darkenedmovie theater with my arm around 17-year old Mary Jo Rasmussin, trying to get to first base. I can even remember the name of the movie: “The Lion King”.

But.. this is what I really love – standing up live in front of people. So, I wrote a little comedy monologue, and, uh.. I hope you like it! So, here it goes.

[ clears throat ] Have you ever been shopping? Well, uh.. the other day, ah.. I was in the supermarket, and I’m pushing the.. cart down the aisle.. [ laughs ] ..and you know how tough that can be! With those.. crazy carts! And I turn the corner, and I’m in the aisle.. with the soups! Well! There’s so many different varieties of soup, you know, I really can’t make up my mind! Because it’s, like, a whole area.. of.. soup! [ laughs ]

[ Steve freezes in place, as his inner self emerges to evaluate the situation ]

Steve’s Inner Self: Oh.. boy, oh boy.. this supermarket bit is dying! How can it be so bad? I mean.. when did I come up with this supermarket bit? [ thinking ] Hmm..?

[ dissolve to footage of Steve pushing a cart at the supermarket, with his two bodyguards in tow. He stops in the soup aisle, and loads his cart with soup. Close-up on Steve’s face as a realization hits him. ]

Steve Martin: I’ve got my monologue!

[ cut to Steve discussing the idea with SNL’s writing staff ]

Steve Martin: ..And I’m at the checkout stand.. and I’ve got a cart.. filled.. with soup! Because I couldn’t decide on which kind! And the cashier’s looking at me, you know, like I’m crazy!

[ SNL’s writers laugh politely ]

Steve Martin: Doesn’t that sound funny!

[ cut to Steve explaining the set-up to an NBC Page ]

Steve Martin: ..Me in a supermarket, and I’m trying to buy some soup. But there’s so many different varieties, you know? I don’t know which one to buy! So I’m loading up the cart – does that sound funny to you?

NBC Page: [ politely ] That sounds.. very funny..!

[ cut to Steve explaining the monologue to Lorne Michaels ]

Steve Martin: So, first I talk about, you know, it’s an aisle completely filled with soup! Big laugh.

Lorne Michaels: Ri-ight.

Steve Martin: Then I do.. the names of the soups. You know – laugh, laugh, laugh, applause.

Lorne Michaels: Right.

Steve Martin: Now, here’s my question. Which is funnier – chicken with rice.. or gumbo.

Lorne Michaels: [ thinking ] Gumbo.

Steve Martin: Chicken gumbo.. or just plain gumbo?

Lorne Michaels: Just plain gumbo.

Steve Martin: [ pleased ] Yeahhh.. [ laughs ] Yea-ha-ha-yeahhh!

[ dissolve back to Steve performing his bad monologue in front of the audience ]

Steve Martin: ..And.. gumbo! [ continues ] So, now, I’m back at the cashier.. and she’s looking at me like I’m nuts! You know! So much soup!

[ Steve freezes in place again, as his inner self once again emerges to evaluate the situation ]

Steve’s Inner Self: Oh, my God! I told him not to do this bit! Now he’s going to be depressed all week. I know how it is.. he’s going to be moping around the house, and then he’s going to get out tapes of his old films, and we’re going to have to look at them, over and over and over! “Oh, I was good in “The Jerk”, wasn’t I?” Oh, yeah, you were really good in that – fourteen YEARS ago!! And then he’s gonna go on and on and on about the summer movies, you know? “I was this close to getting that part in “True Lies” – this close! But, noooo! They don’t think of me that way! No, they don’t think of me as an “action” star! No! They have to go cast Jamie Lee Curtis!

Well.. stick around, we have a great show. Eric Clapton is here.. Idiot is here! We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 20: Episode 1

94a: Steve Martin / Eric Clapton

Nut-rific

Dan Sinaki…..Kevin Nealon
Bruce Riley…..Chris Elliot
Lead Jingler…..Michael McKean
Back-up Jinglers…..Ellen Cleghorne, Jay Mohr, Janene Garafalo
Warner…..Mike Myers
Executive #1…..Steve Martin
Executive #2…..Chris Farley
Executive #3…..Laura Kightlinger
Jingle Writer…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Nut-rific board meeting ]

Dan Sinaki: Well.. as everyone knows, the Nut-rific candy bar has one key selling point. And that, of course, is.. nuts!

[ everyone shares a hearty laugh at the joke ]

Bruce Riley: Exactly! And we’re talking major nuts! When people think Nut-rific.. they have to think “That’s the candy bar with more nuts.” Remember that, as you listen to your new Nut-rific theme.

[ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

Back-up Jinglers:
“Nut-rific!
Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

Lead Jingler: It’s nut-very good!

[ jingle ends ]

Dan Sinaki: Yes! Very nice! Very nice.

Bruce Riley: Wonderful! Now, we’re going to do the song all the way through the commercial, pretty much just like that, but with kind of a doo-wop cha-cha-cha!

Dan Sinaki: That’s right! That’s right – and we’ll film it at a high school, with all these giant, dancing nuts. You know?

Warner: Excuse me?

Bruce Riley: Yes.

Warner: I’m sorry, but, uh.. why does the jingle say that our candy bar is bad?

Dan Sinaki: [ confused ] Come again?

Executive #1: You seem to be saying that Nut-rific doesn’t taste good.

Bruce Riley: Ah.. and who exactly is saying that?

Executive #1: Well.. you are. The jingle says “Nut-rific is not very good.”

Bruce Riley: Wha..? Oh!

[ Bruce and Dan laugh at the comic misunderstanding ]

Dan Sinaki: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no! No! No. It’s.. nut-very good. It’s.. nut..-very good.

[ they continue to laugh ]

Bruce Riley: It’s like it’s.. nut-tastic! Or, or.. nut-licious! But this is “It’s nut-very good.

Executive #1: But won’t our customers misinterpret that?

[ silence in the room, as everyone considers this newfound information ]

Executive #2: I mean.. they’ll think, “Nut-rific is bad? Well.. I don’t want to eat that, I’ll have this candy bar over here..

Bruce Riley: Okay, look, I see, uh.. that there’s a problem here, so, uh.. why don’t we call this to a halt here, and we’ll reconvene in about a week’s time. Uh.. at which point, we’ll have rewritten the jingle, so as to make it, uh.. very clear that, uh.. Nut-rific is indeed a very good candy bar. Agreed? Good.

[ dissolve to exterior view of office building, with SUPER: “One Week Later”; dissolve to interior meeting room ]

Warner: Well, alright. Let’s bring out Bruce and Dan.

[ Bruce and Dan re-enter the conference room ]

Bruce Riley: Okay, thank you, uh.. folks, with your suggestions in mind, I think we’ve worked out the little kinks in our jingle here. So.. without any further ado, your new and improved Nut-rific theme!

[ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

Back-up Jinglers:
“Nut-rific!
Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

Lead Jingler: It does nut taste good!

[ jingle ends ]

[ Dan and Bruce applaud their newest efforts ]

Dan Sinaki: Okay! Comments?

Executive #1: Yeah. Well, that’s even worse than before!

Bruce Riley: [ thinking ] Uhhh.. no. Better! You mean it’s better that before?

Executive #1: No! Worse before! It sounds like “It does not taste good!”

Warner: Exactly.

Bruce Riley: [ sighs heavily ] O-kay.. uhhhh, look. I have been writing commercial jingles for quite some time now.. There are those who would suggest I’m rather good at that job! Hence, the 1992 Mercury Sabre parked outside!

Dan Sinaki: [ trying to calm Bruce down ] Alright, alright, alright..

Bruce Riley: I have made some money in this business..!

Dan Sinaki: Let me set the scene. Alright? Please. [ setting up the scene ] It’s Prom Night.. at the All-Nut high school. And all the nut kids, they’re trading high fives, they’re saying, “It does nut taste good!” “It does nut taste good!”

Lead Jingler: “It does nut taste good.”

Back-up Jinglers:
“Nut-rific!
Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

Warner: Okay! Okay! Thank you. But.. Nut-rific tastes very good.

Executive #1: You’re telling people that it doesn’t!

Bruce Riley: Okay, I think I’ve heard enough – these people do not want to sell candy bars..

Dan Sinaki: Bruce, Bruce.. wait! Will you excuse us?

Bruce Riley: I cannot work with these morons!

Dan Sinaki: Bruce, calm down.. [ pulls Bruce off to the side ]

Bruce Riley: [ screaming ] I will NOT calm down!! If they want to write their OWN jingle, then I’d like to see them TRY!!

Back-up Jinglers:
“Nut-rific!
Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

Dan Sinaki: Uh.. Bruce and I talked about it, and.. we’re gonna have another crack at this.

Bruce Riley: [ sarcastic ] Yeah.. we’re just gonna go back and fix what ain’t broke!

Dan Sinaki: [ laughing ] Maybe the third time will be the charm!

[ dissolve to exterior view of office building, with SUPER: “One Week Later”; dissolve to interior meeting room ]

Dan Sinaki: Without further ado.. your new, new.. Nut-rific theme.

[ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

Back-up Jinglers:
“Outragrous
Nut-tastic!More nuts, more nu-uts!

Lead Jingler: It’s just got more nuts!

[ jingle ends ]

Executive #2: [ pleased ] Yes!

Warner: Thank you very much! That’s exactly what we’ve been talking about!

Dan Sinaki: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. I-I’m sorry, this is a little embarrassing, but that-that.. that was something we were working on for the Creedmore Psychiatric Institute.

Bruce Riley: Yes. You, uh.. you weren’t supposed to hear that one..

Dan Sinaki: No, no.. This is your jingle..

[ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

Back-up Jinglers:
“Nut-rific!
Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

Lead Jingler: It’s not something you’d want to put in your mouth!

[ jingle ends ]

Executive #1: Okay, that’s it, we’ve heard enough! I mean, this isn’t working out here!

Bruce Riley: Oh, well that’s just great!

Dan Sinaki: Hey, listen, we have met you more than halfway!

Bruce Riley: Need I remind you it was not our idea to rewrite the jingle in the first place!

Executive #1: Enough!! Out! Out! Out!

[ dissolve to exterior view of office building, with SUPER: “One Week Later”; dissolve to interior meeting room ]

Jingle Writer: So, once again, on behalf of our entire agency, I apologize for Bruce and Dans’ incompetence. And, from now on, I’ll be handling your campaign personally. and I think you’re gonna love what I’ve done with the Nut-rific theme.

[ everyone looks toward the Jingle singers standing against the wall ]

Lead Jingler: 1, 2, 3, 4..

Back-up Jinglers:
“Nut-rific!
Nut-rific.. Nut-rific, Nut-rific!”

Lead Jingler: The candy that’s made by Nutzis!

Jinglers: Nut-rific!!

[ jingle ends ]

[ the executives are quiet for a moment, then begin to nod their heads and clap their approval for the new jingle.. as the scene zooms out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Melrose Place

Wayne Campbell…..Mike Myers
Amanda…..Heather Locklear
Jake…..Chris Farley
Jo…..Julia Sweeney
Billy…..Adam Sandler
Allison…..Melanie Hutsell
Jane…..David Spade
Matt…..Jay Mohr
Sydney…..Sarah Silverman
Michael…..Rob Schneider

[open on suburban home with title: “Aurora, Illinois”]

[fade to interior, with Wayne Campbell watching television on couch]

[“Melrose Place” theme song plays]

Wayne: All right, okay, man, “Melrose Place.” Bonus, man. I am totally, totally addicted to this show. It’s a babe-fest, man. Heather Lockler [growls], she’s the leader of the Bod Squad, man. Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda. [yawns] She’s the woman of my dreams. [lies down on couch] Of my dreams. Of my…diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum…[waves his fingers in front of his face to indicate the start of a dream sequence]

[distorted dissolve to Wayne yelling as he falls against a hypno-swirl with changing colors]

[distorted dissolve to Wayne waking up in a bed, still waving his fingers in front of his face]

Wayne: Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum. Oh, where am I? What the… [shot widens and he sees a blond head next to him] Oh, thank God, Garth. Garth! Wake up, come on man, it’s me, Wayne, wake up, come on Garth.

Amanda: [pulls covers off her head] Good morning, Wayne.

Wayne: [makes cartoonish sound of surprise] Schwing! [raises pelvis off bed] I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy! [makes fawning arm gesture]

Amanda: Cut the crap, tiger. Last night was okay, but don’t let it get to your head, Wayne. I’m an important advertising executive with an agency to run. And I have to get to work. [gets out of bed to reveal that she is already dressed in a mustard colored business suit] You better go before my boyfriend, Jake, finds you. [opens door]

Wayne: Jake? Jake? [walks out of door and into “Melrose Place” courtyard] I’m in “Melrose Place!” Cool, all right. The number one show for young adults, ages eighteen to thirty four. A tough little demographic to crack. Excellent, excellent, all right.

Jake: [coming down stairs] What are you doing in Amanda’s apartment?

Wayne: Hi Jake. Jake, I’m, ah, I’m the new handyman.

Jake: What do you mean?

Wayne: You know, I’m unclogging her pipes.

Jake: What are you getting at?

Wayne: I’ve been having sexual intercourse with Amanda, repeatedly in different positions for many, many hours.

Jake: What are you trying to say?

Wayne: That you’re a complete idiot.

Jake: Look, Amanda would never sleep with anyone except me.

Wayne: Sha, right. Okay. Hey, Chet, I watch the show all the time, you know, I mean, here’s a quarter, buy a clue. [flips a quarter to Jake, which Jake catches] All right, here you go. Yeah right.

[Jake exits stage right]

Amanda: [comes through door, now wearing a grey business suit] So, Wayne, I see you’ve met Jake. Oh, damn, I forgot my car keys. I’ll be right back. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay, hurry up though, eh? Wow, what a nice place. I wonder how much they pay in rent and stuff. Hey! [approaches Jo in the courtyard] It’s Jo, the hardened New York photographer who has seen it all.

Jo: Wayne, you’re new around here, so I’ll save you some heartache. I’m from New York, so I know how tough life can be. Amanda’s no good. She’s a mean, conniving bitch who will chew you up and spit you out. Stay away from her, Wayne.

Wayne: Okay, well, let me just say that I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate your concern, all right? Your thoughts are very well organized, presented clearly and concisely. But bear with me. Are you mental? It’s Heather Locklear! She’d give a dog a bone! Hello?

Jo: This would never happen in New York. [exits stage right]

[shot widens to show Billy and Allison sitting at a table]

Wayne: Oh! All right. Look who it is, man. It’s Billy and Allison, America’s most uninteresting couple.

Billy: Allison, I love you. When you’re not here, I miss you.

Allison: Billy, I love you. But I’m in advertising, and I have to go to work to the advertising agency. [stands and exits stage right]

Billy: Allison, come back. I miss you.

Wayne: Hold on, hold on. [sits down next to Billy] [fake sneezes] Ah-ah-ah-whipped! Ah-ah-ah-no-balls! Sorry, man, I seem to be allergic to emasculation. Oh, and by the way, Billy, close your mouth. You’re catching flies there, chief. [puts his hand under Billy’s chin and closes his mouth for him]

Billy: I better go after Allison. I miss her. [stands and exits stage right]

Wayne: All right. All right. Okay.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a canary yellow business suit]

Wayne: Hey, um, did you just change outfits?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, you bastard. I have a very important meeting down at D&D. But maybe we can get away this weekend. Oh, damn! I forgot my portfolio that contains advertising documents. Which I need, because I’m a very important advertising executive. [goes back into apartment]

Wayne: Okay. Hurry back, all right? [hears somebody crying and follows the sound to find Jane sitting in a lounge chair, weeping into a magazine] What’s wrong, Jane?

Jane: I have the worst part on the show.

Wayne: Well, yeah. Next to Matt, the token gay guy.

Matt: [enters stage left] That’s me! Gotta go. [exits stage right]

Wayne: Okay. [waves]

Sydney: [enters stage left] Oh, boo-hoo, Jane, poor baby.

Michael: [enters stage right] Shut up, Sydney! Hey lighten up, Janie.

Wayne: Hey, it’s Michael, the no-good doctor, and Sydney, the psycho hose-beast. She may be a babe, but it’s major vagina dentata action. And I’m not talking about The Police’s unreleased fourth album.

Jane: Stay away from her, Wayne.

Sydney: Shut up. You’re my sister, not my mother. [attacks Jane]

Wayne: All right, catfight. Go at it, man! Excellent! Saucer of milk, table two. Ding-ding-ding! Rawr! All right, tear each other’s clothes off! Come on, tear it off! [to Michael] So, let me get this straight, man. You’re, like, this doctor, right? Who is married to this blonde, who had an affair with a redhead–the blonde’s sister–plus it was Hump Olympics with some chick down at the hospital?

Michael: That’s right, Wayne.

Wayne: Good work, my friend. This is cool.

[Amanda comes through door, now wearing a salmon business suit]

Wayne: Hey, Amanda, weren’t you just wearing a different color?

Amanda: Huh?

Wayne: Nothing.

Amanda: Listen, Wayne, I’m getting a little fed up with you, you bastard. You can’t just come waltzing into “Melrose Place” and take over my life, you bastard. I am an executive. An advertising executive. I have a job. A very important job. An advertising job, you bastard.

Wayne: Okay, but let me just say–

Amanda: Shut up, Wayne! [throws Wayne down on the table and kisses him]

Wayne: Excellent. All right. Okay.

Amanda: [waves her fingers in front of Wayne’s face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum, diddly-dum.

Wayne: What? No, no-no! No diddly-dum! Amanda, I want to stay in “Melrose Place!” Come on, I’m not ready to go! Come on, no diddly-dum!

[dissolve to Wayne waking up on the couch]

Wayne: [waving his fingers in front of his face] Diddly-dum, diddly-dum… I guess it was all a dream. [peeks under his blanket] Or was it? [flings off the blanket to reveal that he is wearing the salmon business suit] Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! [fade to black]

Thanks to DavidK93 for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Heather Locklear’s Monologue

…..Heather Locklear
…..Phil Hartman
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Melanie Hutsell
…..Jay Leno
…..Chris Farley
Canteen Boy…..Adam Sandler

Heather Locklear: Well, this is an honor to be hosting the last show of the season, and it’s great to be here, away from the fairy tale world of “Melrose Place.”

[ Phil Hartman appears in the shadows offstage ]

Phil Hartman: Heather.

Heather Locklear: [ deterred ] What is it, Phil?

Phil Hartman: May I talk to you for a moment.

Heather Locklear: Sure! [ to the audience ] Excuse me a second. [ steps offstage ] This better be good, Phil!

Phil Hartman: Heather, I missed you last night. I thought you were coming over?

Heather Locklear: Well, you thought wrong.

Phil Hartman: [ outraged ] You were with Nealon, weren’t you!

Heather Locklear: [ annoyed ] How dare you! And what if I was? It’s none of your business! Excuse me! [ walks away ]

[ Kevin Nealon appears in the shadows on the other side of the stage ]

Kevin Nealon: Heather. Over here.

Heather Locklear: [ hugs Kevin ] Kevin, thank God!

Kevin Nealon: What’s wrong?

Heather Locklear: Just hold me, please hold me! [ curls up in Kevin’s arms ] It’s Phil. He knows everything about us!

Kevin Nealon: [ alarmed ] How?!

Heather Locklear: You tell me.

Kevin Nealon: [ sighs ] I’m gonna kill him! Right after “Update”, I’m gonna kill him!

Heather Locklear: Oh, just be careful.

Kevin Nealon: Oh, I will. [ walks away ]

[ Melanie Hutsell enters ]

Melanie Hutsell: Heather! Come here! Oh, I’m so glad I saw you!

Heather Locklear: Oh, well! Melanie, you were just terrific on rehearsals today!

Melanie Hutsell: [ touched ] Really? Oh, that means a lot to me!

Heather Locklear: [ laughs, then slaps Melanie’s face ] Don’t let it happen again!

Melanie Hutsell: [ surprised ] What!

Heather Locklear: You heard me! This is my show, just stay out of my way!

Melanie Hutsell: But, Heather, I thought that we were –

Heather Locklear: Don’t cross me, Melanie! Because when I’m done with you, all you’ll be left with is that proverbial wish – that you’d never been born! [ storms away ]

Melanie Hutsell: Oh, I hate her! I hate her! I HATE HER!! And, you know? Somebody needs to take care of that bitch!

[ Heather enters a backstage area, where she is stopped by Jay Leno ]

Jay Leno: Heather!

Heather Locklear: [ disgusted ] Not here, you idiot! How dare you! I thought I told you never to talk to me in public! Someone could have seen us!

Jay Leno: I’m sorry, but I thought you might want to see.. [ whips out manila envelope ] ..these!

Heather Locklear: Well, I don’t get it. What are these?

Jay Leno: Funny headlines! From newspapers from all over the country!

Heather Locklear: [ opens up envelope and laughs ] This is great! [ reads ] “Dead Man Drives Car”? I don’t believe that!

Jay Leno: It’s real, I swear! This are real, actual headlines!

Heather Locklear: If you are lying about this, Jay, I will destroy you and “The Tonight Show”! [ throws envelope at Jay and storms away ]

Jay Leno: [ shaken ] Fair enough..

[ Heather continues to walk backstage, where she runs into Chris Farley ]

Heather Locklear: Hello, Chris! Oh, you’re a sight for sore eyes, lover!

Chris Farley: [ turns around dramatically ] I told you! I have nothing left to say to you!

Heather Locklear: Look, Chris. I know we’ve had our troubles –

Chris Farley: Your trouble, Heather! And I don’t want anything to do with you!

Heather Locklear: Chris.. I don’t know exactly how to tell you this, but.. I’m pregnant.

Chris Farley: Is it even mine?

Heather Locklear: I saw the ultrasound, Chris. Trust me – it’s yours.

Chris Farley: Well, Heather, I don’t care any more!

Heather Locklear: Come back here! Don’t you turn your back on me! Don’t you dare turn your back on me!

Chris Farley: Shut.. up.. Heather! And go do your monologue! [ exits ]

Heather Locklear: Oh, I’ll do the monologue, Chris! And then I’ll finish you, and Leno, and all the rest of them! [ walks forward and pauses in front of Canteen Boy ] Isn’t that right, Canteen Boy?

Canteen Boy: [ meekly ] Uh.. yeah, Heather.. whatever floats your boat..

Heather Locklear: [ kisses Canteen boy on the lips, then exits ]

[ Melanie and Phil step forward again ]

Melanie Hutsell: Gosh, she’s really sad!

Phil Hartman: Yeah.. it’s a sickness!

Canteen Boy: I think you’re sick.

Phil Hartman: What?!

Canteen Boy: Nothing.

[ cut back to Heather on Home Base ]

Heather Locklear: Sorry about that! It took a little longer than I thought. Anyway, I have had a fantastic week, everyone here has been so terrific, it’s been great destroying them! Anyway, we’ve got a great show. Janet Jackson is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

93t: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Andy Rooney

Ed Bradley … Tim Meadows
Andy Rooney … Norm MacDonald

[Bumper for CBS’ TV newsmagazine “60 Minutes”: aticking stopwatch. Dissolve to correspondent EdBradley addressing the camera.]

Ed Bradley: As the old refrain goes, “Peoplewho need people are the luckiest people in the world.”And then – there’s Andy Rooney.

[Dissolve to elderly, graying weekly commentator AndyRooney who sits at the desk in his office, with hisjacket off and shirtsleeves rolled-up, addressing thecamera in his irritatingly snide, cadencedvoice.]

Andy Rooney: People are everywhere nowadays. Itseems like you can’t go anywhere without bumping intosome people. People follow you when you’re shopping.They ask you for directions. And, sometimes, they askyou what time it is. People never know what time itis. They have to ask you.

There are over four billion people in the world.That’s a lot of people. And I suppose most people likeeach other all right. But I don’t. Idon’t like people and I never have. Iguess that makes me bad.

Advertisers are always using people to help sell theirproducts. [holds a box of Kellogg’s Corn Flakescereal] Here’s something called corn flakes. It’s gota picture of some people on the box. I guess we’resupposed to think, “Well, these people likecorn flakes. I guess I will, too.” [sets box aside]But I don’t think that. I don’t like people. And Idon’t like pictures of people either.

There’s even a magazine now about people. [holds up acopy of People Magazine with a photo of ClintEastwood on the cover] It’s called “PeopleMagazine.” This issue has a picture of somefellow’s head on the cover. I’ll bet that’s a goodarticle. [sets magazine aside]

Here’s a box of letters from different people. [dumpsa large box of envelopes on the desktop] Seems there’snothing people enjoy more than writing me letters.[picks envelopes from the pile and holds them up tothe camera, one at a time] Here’s one from -Washington. This one’s from – Ohio. Here’s one from -North Dakota.

Here’s one from – Paris, Texas. Now, I don’t knowwhere Paris, Texas is – but I do knowthis — I’m getting pretty tired of cities inTexas naming themselves after cities in France.

Here’s one from Chicago. This one’s from Iowa. Here’sone from Iowa, too. Here’s one from Montana. Thisone’s from someplace called “Kansas City.” Here’s onefrom Montana. Here’s one from Arizona. This one’s fromLas Vegas. Here’s one from Virginia – and here’sanother one – from West Virginia. This one’sfrom Indiana. I don’t know where this one’sfrom – but it’s yellow and has a big stamp on it. Thisone’s from Colorado. Here’s one from Michigan.

I receive about one hundred of these letters everysingle day. I never open them. I don’t likeopening them. I set fire to them.

Then, I pour water on the box of burning letters toput it out the fire. Then, I take the whole mess and Idump it out of my window on the people below. Peopledon’t like that much. But I like doing it to them. Isuppose that makes me bad.

[Dissolve back to Ed Bradley, addressing thecamera.]

Ed Bradley: We’ll be back next week withanother edition of “60 Minutes.”

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Amazing Time Savers

Janet Miles…..Heather Locklear
Richard Hayden…..Mike Myers
Caller #1…..Julia Sweeney
Caller #2…..
Caller #3…..Rob Schneider
Caller #4…..Adam Sandler

[ open on the set of the “Amazing Time Savers” infomercial, telephone operators and a bulb-packed map of the United States behind Janet and the product counter ]

Janet Miles: Hello, and welcome to “Amazing Time Savers”, your home shopping connection. I’m Janet Miles. As always, operators are standing by to take your calls. And you will certainly want to call my guest on today’s show. He brings with him an extraordinary, time-saving invention. But I’m gonna let him tell you all about it. Please welcome, Richard Hayden!

[ Richard comes out laughing excitedly, and stands beside his product ]

Richard Hayden: Thanks, Janet! Thanks for having me on this show. Now, Janet, do you like pasta?

Janet Miles: [ addressing her audience more than Richard ] I love pasta! But the problem is, I never have the time to make it.

Richard Hayden: Really? If I told you that you could have a good-tasting pasta meal, prepared in less than five minutes.. what would you say?

Janet Miles: I’d say you’re a few bricks shy of a load!

[ Janet and Richard laugh at her joke ]

Richard Hayden: Well, Janet, I’m not! [ laughs ] And you know what? I’m going to demonstrate my pasta-maker for you and your audience. Do you think your audience would like that?

[ the audience claps ]

Janet Miles: This I have to see! Now, this is a complicated process. Right, Richard?

Richard Hayden: No. My pasta-maker is easy to operate, because the directions are easy to follow.

Janet Miles: Well, we’ve heard that before: you buy an appliance with easy-to-follow directions, and you get it home, and you need a Ph.D to figure it out. Usually, this “easy direction” stuff is a big lie.. like the Holocaust! [ the phones ring wild, and the bulbs light up on the map ] Now, are your directions really easy to follow? Or is it just another Holocaust-type scam?

Richard Hayden: [ dumbfounded by Janet’s statements ] Uh.. they’re, uh.. they’re, uh.. easy to follow.. they, uh.. involve, uh.. three easy steps..

Janet Miles: Well, does the audience want to see these three easy steps to good-tasting pasta?

[ the audience relunctantly claps ]

Richard Hayden: O..kay.. Well, you just pour in the flour.. [ pours in the flour ] ..the egg and water mix.. [ pours in the egg and water ] ..and that’s it. Hit the button, and look. Here comes the pasta [ pasta starts coming out of the machine ].

Janet Miles: [ excited ] So incredible! And so fast! Well, let’s take some phone calls! I’m sure people want to find out more about this amazing machine! Caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #1: [ shaken ] Are you insane?! Did you just say that the Holocaust was a lie?!

Janet Miles: Listen.. there is no way of ever knowing if the Holocaust actually happened. But we do know this is an amazing pasta-maker. Next caller. You’re on “Timesaver”!

Caller #2: This is unbelieveable..

Janet Miles: Isn’t it! That pasta came out in less that three minutes!

Caller #2: No! I mean, how when I first tuned in to the show, I told my husband how I thought you had crazy eyes.. then, like, a minute later, you said that thing about the Holocaust.. I was right. You are completely insane!

Janet Miles: [ chipper ] And so are you, if you don’t order this amazing pasta-maker! Thanks for your call! [ turning to Richard ] Well, Richard, this pasta-maker is truly amazing! And it’s made here in America, isn’t it?

Richard Hayden: Yes.. It’s.. it’s an American appliance that makes Italian food.

Janet Miles: [ amazed ] That’s great! Because, if you’re like me, you’re tired of buying from the Jap! [ more phones ring ] Everywhere you turn, it’s a Jap product. They’re taking over! At least with Pearl Harbor, we knew we were getting attacked.. but with this invasion of Nip products, it’s even sneakier, you know?

Richard Hayden: wanting badly to sneak out of the studio ] Uh.. yeah.. Well, it’s made here in the U.S.A., Janet.. And do you know what’s the best part? The price!

Janet Miles: Okay, here comes the catch.. this has to cost a lot of money. Your invention makes good-tasting pasta in under four minutes. It’s durable and so simple to use, even a Puerto Rican can figure it out! [ all the phones start ringing at once ] And it makes enough for a family of six. Now, this must cost at least $200. Am I right?

Richard Hayden: [ totally embarrassed ] Yeah.. uh.. I mean no. It’s much less.. it’s $39.95.. [ waving his hands in protest ] But I just want to say..

Janet Miles: I know. Let’s take some more calls and sell some pasta-makers! Caller, you’re on “Time Savers”!

Caller #3: [ speaks in Spanish ]

Janet Miles: Who, whoa, whoa! Pepe! Pepe! Slow down! We’ll have to find a Spanish-speaking operator to take your order. Next caller, you’re on “Timesavers”!

Caller #4: [ outraged ] Listen to me, you crazy bitch! I’m gonna find out where you live, and you will pay!!

Janet Miles: Me pay? Why don’t you pay, for one of these pasta-makers? [ addressing her audience ] You simply cannot go wrong at $39.95. Call now, because you couldn’t buy it cheaper off a drunken Indian! [ the phones go crazy, and Richard ducks for safety below the counter ] The orders are pouring in, and we’ll see you, next time on “Amazing Time Savers”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts