Author: Don Roy King

Donahue

Phil Donahue…..Phil Hartman
Elaine Poldask…..Victoria Jackson
Phyllis Sykes…..Jan Hooks
Dr. Norma Hoeffering…..Nora Dunn
First Man…..Jon Lovitz
Second Man…..Kevin Nealon

[ Scene: Donahue Studio. Guests seated on stage, facing audience. Donahue stands in the audience bleachers with his microphone and cards. ]

Phil Donahue: Women.. are exploited in relationships! Because there’s a lot of men out there who live off them, who, who cheat on them, who, who off them, and then when they’re done using ’em, throw ’em out like last night’s garbage. [ applause from audience ] Yeah, but…you women are exploited because you want to be exploited. [ jeers from audience ] No, you want someone to take responsibility for your life and take responsibility for your problems. If I don’t exploit you, you’ll find someone else who will! [ to camera ] We’re in New York talking about women trapped in exploitive relationships.

[ Cut to “Donahue” title and theme music. Fade in to Donahue on stage ]

Phil Donahue: Elaine Poldask. You’ve been involved with a married man for eight years.

Elaine Poldask: Nine.

Phil Donahue: [ to audience] Nine years! [ to Elaine ] Why do you do it to yourself? You know, why do you keep coming back for more?

Elaine Poldask: Well, I only suspected that he was married five years ago, and then I asked him about it four years ago, and then I got the evidence three years ago, and then I confronted him with it two years ago, and finally he admitted it only last year, so really, to be fair, it has only been a year.

Phil Donahue: [ stares blankly turns to Phyllis ] Phyllis Sykes.You’ve had a string of degrading relationships.

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, I have.

Phil Donahue: Now, your last boyfriend.. [ reads cards ] ..got drunk, totaled your car, with you in it! Which left you in intensive care for over a year and.. [ Phyllis starts to cry ] ..during your painful convalescence he never visited you, he withdrew your life savings, spent the money on other women! Held orgies in your apartment, got you evicted.. [ lifts his head, stares effortlessly and shakes it in disgust ] ..and yet I understand you still live with this man.

Phyllis Sykes: [ suddenly smiles ] Well.. you would really have to meet him! David’s like.. he’s like a bad little boy, you know? He’s like.. he looks at me with these big puppy dog eyes, and I just.. I can’t stay mad at him.

Phil Donahue: [ in a low tone ] Now, he.. sold you to an Iraqibusinessman. Didn’t he?

Phyllis Sykes: Yes, yes he did. But his landscaping business wasfaltering, and there was – he needed the money, and David.. David neverintended for it to be permanent, see.

Phil Donahue: With us today is Dr. Norma Hoeffering, author of the book, Women Good, Men Bad. Doctor, you know, what the heck’s going on?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Well, Phil, these women lack a basic sense of self-worth; they feel they deserve whatever they get.

Phil Donahue: Now, what prompted you to write Women Good, MenBad? Was it something in your personal life?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it.

Phil Donahue: Oh come on now, doctor! [ paces the stage ]Isn’t this the kind of ivory tower, armchair analysis yousociologists are always handing us? Elaine and Phyllis poured their hearts out to us. Now surely you can tell us a little bit about your personal experience with men. [ convincingly puts one foot up on the stage, right in front of Norma, and faces down ]

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: My personal experience simply is not relevant to the topic. I am a clinical psychologist; this is my field of expertise. [ Donahue starts beating his head with the microphone ] I’m perfectly willing to enlighten you on why women stay in degrading relationships, but I will not discuss my personal life.

Phil Donahue: [ looks up and begs ] Pleeease!

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Drop it.

Phil Donahue: [ stands up straight ] Elaine, you gave up a career for a married man.

Elaine Poldask: Yes.. um.. because he was married, he could only give me fifteen minutes notice before a date, so I had to sit by the phone to wait for his call.

Phil Donahue: And you had been a marine biologist.

Elaine Poldask: Yes. But it was impossible for me to go to sea when I had to wait for his calls.

Phil Donahue: Okay, we’ve got a caller. Are you there? Hi!

Caller: I know exactly how these women feel. I was in a degrading, exploitive relationship with a pompous egomaniac for years. My husband was never there for me emotionally because all he cared about was his precious career.

Phil Donahue: Your voice sounds familiar. Have you called us before?

Caller: It’s your ex-wife, Phil! [ hangs up ]

Phil Donahue: Well, Doctor Hoeffering, didn’t that caller make apoint? I mean, it’s not just the mistresses, it’s not just the girlfriends who get exploited. What about the wives? Aren’t you giving them the back of your hand, I mean.. well, have you ever been married?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: I’d really rather not discuss it, Phil.

Phil Donahue: Ever been engaged?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No.

Phil Donahue: Pinned?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: No, I don’t want to discuss it.. [ reluctantly ] All right, I’m a lesbian! Okay? Are you satisfied?

Phil Donahue: [ turns to the audience ] Sir, you have a point?

First Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I just want to say that I don’t think all men are insensitive brutes. [ arguing between several audience members is heard from behind ] And.. I mean from high school I just never knew women who went out with guys who treated them badly, guys like me who are just looking for sharing and caring relationship.. someone to spend their life with..

Second Man in Audience: [ to his wife ] You’re making a fool out of yourself! [ wife gets up to leave ]

Phyllis Sykes: Excuse me. Excuse me please, I’m trying to see that very attractive man behind you. Could you sit down?

[ First Man in Audience sits down ]

Phil Donahue: [ to Second Man] Any comment?

Second Man in Audience: [ stands ] Yeah, I know what these broads need and I got it. Okay? You want a sharing relationship? I got something to share with ya! Okay? You want a buddy? Buddy up on this!

Elaine Poldask: Excuse me, do you live in the city? Do you need a lift home?

Phyllis Sykes: Phil.. uh.. are there any rules about dating members of the audience?

Dr. Norma Hoeffering: Excuse me, any sisters at home like you?

Phil Donahue: Well, it’s a fascinating question, I feel we justtouched the tip of the iceberg.

Second Man in Audience: I’ll give ya the tip of the iceberg!

Phil Donahue: The name of the book, is Women Good, Men Bad. [ theme music plays ] Tune in next week..

Second Man in Audience: Yeah tune in to this next week!

Phil Donahue: ..when our guest will be Lee Iacocca.

Second Man in Audience: Iacocca this!

[ Donahue flings his arms up and walks to stage, talking with guests.Superimposed title display. Fade out. ]

Thanks to Rob Holtmanfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

That Black Girl

Latoya Marie…..Danitra Vance
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

[ “That Black Girl” opening montage ]

[ open on That Black Girl, LaToya Marie, sitting on the couch in her posh apartment ]

LaToya Marie: Listen! [ giggles ] I just want you to be the first to know that.. um.. guess who’s gonna be the new Sparkledent girl! No, not the girl in the red! Me! LaToya Marie! Yeah! [ giggles ] Okay! I love you, too! Don’t forget to tell Mom! That I’m the new Sparkledent girl! God! [ giggles ] Bye! [ hangs up phone, as doorbell rings ] Who could that be? I’m not expecting anyone! [ bounces toward the door and opens it, grabbing an anonymous bouquet of flowers left for her ] Flowers! For moi? It must be from Donald, I can’t imagine who would stand them by the door..!

[ Francis Ford Coppola and Terry Sweeney enter the scene to interrupt ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Could you hold it for a second?

Terry Sweeney: Hold everything!!

Francis Ford Coppola: There’s something wrong.. wait a second.. I want set design in here, please?

Terry Sweeney: Set Design!!

Set Design: [ enters ] Is there a problem here?

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah.. I want more squallor. I want more squallor. Run it down, I want more grit..

Terry Sweeney: It doesn’t look like anything!

Francis Ford Coppola: I don’t want to change anything, but everything’s wrong! It looks like moving reality, it doesn’t look like real reality. I want grit!

[ Set Design reassembles the set, as Francis pulls Danitra Vance in front of the set ]

Uh.. I want more, more.. I would like you to look at, into the, uh.. you’re not really like a black girl to me. You know? I don’t believe that you’re a real black woman. The scene doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the black experience, don’t you agree?

Danitra Vance: Uh.. I guess so..

Francis Ford Coppola: Can I see the writers?

Terry Sweeney: Writers, get in here!!

[ a trio of white, preppy, pipe-smoking writers enter ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Why aren’t there any black women writers on this show? I mean, do any of you really know the subject of this scene, you know, what it is to be black? To feel black? Well, the scene isn’t right. Come on, I’ll habdle this.

Terry Sweeney: [ to the writers ] Why do you write so poorly? Just a question.

[ the writers exit ]

Francis Ford Coppola: Danitra.. I want an unemployed, shunned, segregated, undereducated, maddened, oppressed black woman. Let the comedy come out of that! I don’t want That Black Girl, I want That Black Girl, okay? You can do it! Give it in! Go ahead!

Danitra Vance: I’ll try!

Francis Ford Coppola: Okay.

[ the scene starts again, the posh apartment having been rearranged into a ghetto slum. LaToya Marie sits on an old mattress as her phone rings. ]

LaToya Marie: [ picks up phone ] Thank you. [ hangs up, throws the phone across the room ] Ohh.. they want me to be the new Sparkledent girl. My big break. Big deal! They don’t know me. They don’t know the real me. This isn’t me! [ pulls off her wig ] I turn myself inside out to please them! But I’ve pleased them.. and I’ve lost me! I’ll finally be out of poverty, but I’m already out of.. integrity! I am somebody! I am somebody else! Smile, honey..

[ dissolve to ending “That Black Girl” montage ]

SNL Transcripts

The Honeymooners: The Lost Episodes

Ralph Kramden…..George Wendt
Alice Kramden…..Nora Dunn
Ed Norton…..Anthony Michael Hall

[ open on Alice in the kitchen, as Ralph attempts to come through the front door ]

[ Alice goes to open the door, for Ralph, but he enters the room from behind a side wall of the set ]

Ralph Kramden: Alice, I’m home! [ laughing ] I was hiding in the bedroom the whole time! Honey, where’s my eats – I’m going bowling tonight!

Alice Kramden: Here you go, Ralph. [ places a small container in front of him ]

Ralph Kramden: What’s this?

Alice Kramden: Tuna fish.

Ralph Kramden: Tuna fish?

Alice Kramden: Well, my mambo lesson ran late, I didn’t have time to fix you a hot dinner.

Ralph Kramden: Mambo lessons? Mambo lessons?! All day long, I’ve been driving up and down Madison Avenue in that bus, when I come home I can’t have a hot supper because you’re taking mambo lessons?!

[ a knock at the door ]

Alice Kramden: Get the door, Ralph.

[ Ralph answers the door, letting Ed Norton enter ]

Ed Norton: Hey, what you say there, Ralphie boy? [ sets up a turntable near the front door ] I think I’ve got this thing figured out, Alice! [ puts a mambo record on, as he and Alice practice their dance moves ]

Ralph Kramden: Will you come on with that?! [ hits Norton, who stumbles into the record player ] This is too much! This time you’ve pushed me too far!

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph.. the only way I can push you is if I had a bulldozer.

Ralph Kramden: You’re a riot, Alice.. you’re a regular riot. One of these days, Alice, I’m telling you.. one of these days!

Alice Kramden: One of these days, what, Ralph? Your gut’s gonna hang over the top of your shoes?

Ralph Kramden: [ grumbles ] Bang, zoom – to the moon, Alice! to the moon!

Alice Kramden: Ha ha, hardy ha ha! You know, you’ve been saying that for years, Ralph. You’re all talk and no action! You’re just a big windbag!

Ralph Kramden: [ peeved once and for all, Ralph finally smacks Alice right in the jaw, knocking her to the floor ]

Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph? I never actually saw you connect before, Ralph!

Ralph Kramden: Get out!

Ed Norton: She went down like a sack of potatoes, huh?

Ralph Kramden: Get outta here, you!

Ed Norton: [ opens the door to leave ] Hey, Ralph, let me ask you one more question – was it uppercut, or across?

Ralph Kramden: Would you get out of here?! [ throws Norton out ]

Alice Kramden: [ comes to, rises slowly from the floor ]

Ralph Kramden: Honey, uh.. I’m awfully sorry.. [ pulls Alice up ] I don’t know why you put up with me, baby.. I know I never buy you anything, and I never take you anywhere.. I know we only have sex about once a year.. honey, could you forgive me? Please?

Alice Kramden: Oh, Ralph..

Ralph Kramden: Baby, you’re the greatest!

[ they kiss, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

George Wendt’s Monologue

…..George Wendt
…..Francis Ford Coppola
…..Terry Sweeney

George Wendt: Thank you. I have to say, this has really been a hectic week for me, quite a contrast from the last few months, you know, when I’ve basically just been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. Then, of course, before that, I was working very hard on “Cheers”..

Francis Ford Coppola: [ offstage ] Alright – cut! Great!

George Wendt: Why are we stopping now?

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, don’t worry, George – you were great! But I just want to get one more take, you know, just to be sure?

George Wendt: Well.. that’s kind of a joke, Francis.. I don’t know if they’re gonna laugh again..

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it. You stand by. [ turns to the audience ] Folks.. alright, folks, if I could have your attention, please? What we’re trying to do here is create the illusion that the Host, played by George, is going to tell you a joke. George, what’s the funny part?

George Wendt: Uh.. I guess it would be towards the end, Francis.. you know.. I guess that part where I say I’ve been drinking, in a bar.. and the audience thinks, of course, that it was “Cheers”, but I reveal that it wasn’t.. you know, that’s probably the funny part there.

Francis Ford Coppola: Right.. right.. [ to the audience ] So, when he says that, what I want you to do, is, I want you to react by laughing. If you don’t feel like laughing, I want you to go back and remember something from your childhood. It’s called Sense Memory. You remember something that was funny, and then, and then you’ll laugh at the right point. Okay? Okay.. standby, here we go.. ready?

George Wendt: Boy, what a hectic week this has been, you know..? [ audience starts laughing wildly ] Quite a contrast, actually, from the past few months, where, basically, I’ve been sitting around on a bar stool drinking beer all day. [ audience aplauds wildly; George chuckles ] And then, before that, I was working on “Cheers”! [ the punchline dropped, the audience laughs and applauds wildly ] You know.. I’ve been told that “Cheers” is the sitcom for people who don’t really like to watch sitcoms, and I have to believe it’s true, you know? Because, one day, I was at this party, and this guy walked up to me, and – distinguished looking guy, I swear he looked like a brain surgeon, he had the horn-rimmed glasses, salt-and-pepper beard and everything – and he says to me..

Francis Ford Coppola: Alright – cut, cut! That’s wonderful, George!

George Wendt: Wait a minute.. you really want to cut in there? I worked really hard on this monologue..

Francis Ford Coppola: Well, it shows! You did great!

George Wendt: Well.. okay. Alright. Thanks. You’re sure?

Francis Ford Coppola: Don’t worry about it, we’re gonna fix it in the editing.

George Wendt: Great.

Francis Ford Coppola: Go to your room and work on the next scene.

George Wendt: Alright. [ walks offstage ]

Terry Sweeney: Hi, Francis! I’m actor/writer Terry Sweeney.

Francis Ford Coppola: Oh, hi, Terry, how are you?

Terry Sweeney: Fine. Listen.. pardon me for asking, but.. there’s a rumor around that says you’re the boss of the show now.

Francis Ford Coppola: Yeah, I’m directing this show now.

Terry Sweeney: Thank God! Finally, someone who knows what he’s doing! You’ve got to save this sinking ship! Can you do it?

Francis Ford Coppola: [ motions to be taken away from Terry ] Yeah.. thanks a lot, Terry.. I’ve got to move on..

Terry Sweeney: Well, I’ll be here! I’ll be your right hand..!

[ Francis dollies off, as the scene dissolves to the next sketch ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 12th, 1986

Oprah Winfrey

Joe Jackson

Penn & Teller

Oprah Winfrey’s Monologue

Recurring Characters: Tommy Flanagan.

The Pat Stevens Show

Recurring Characters: Pat Stevens.

Cabrini Green & Mom

Recurring Characters: Cabrini Green.

Actors on Film

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Chance, Ashley Ashley.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 14

85n: Oprah Winfrey / Joe Jackson

Beat Her!

…..Oprah Winfrey
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Danitra Vance

INT. STUDIO 8H – HALLWAY – NIGHT

[ LORNE MICHAELS stands outside a dressing room door with a star on it. Below the star, a placard reads 8H7 with the name OPRAH WINFREY. Lorne knocks on the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah…

[ The door opens. Oprah walks through. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: They told me in wardrobe you haven’t tried on your Aunt Jemima costume.

Oprah Winfrey: That’s right.

Lorne Michaels: Well… don’t you think you should try it on soon? It’s your first sketch.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m not doing it.

Lorne Michaels: Really? I think it’s a very, very funny sketch.

[ Oprah places her hands on her hips. ]

Oprah Winfrey: Like I said, I don’t do Aunt Jemima. And furthermore, I’m not doing the maid sketch. I’m not doing the Br’er Rabbit sketch. And you can just forget about me in the refrigerator repair sketch.

[ Oprah turns back to her dressing room and slams the door. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah! Gee…

[ DANITRA VANCE ambles in, dressed as Celie from The Color Purple, carrying a silver tray with a silver coffee pot and a single porcelain cup. ]

Danitra Vance: Here’s your coffee you wanted, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes the cup. ]

Lorne Michaels: Thanks, Danitra.

[ Lorne takes a sip. ]

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, you’re black?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne.

[ Lorne takes a moment. ]

Lorne Michaels: Maybe you could help me out?

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: For some reason, Oprah won’t do anything I say.

Danitra Vance: Yes, Mr. Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: Danitra, what do you think I should do?

[ Danitra bites her lower lip and ponders for a moment. ]

Danitra Vance: Beat her!

[ Lorne gives a slight head nod and places the cup back on the tray. Danitra exits. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, open the door!

[ The door flies open. Oprah stands in the frame. ]

Lorne Michaels: Oprah, you’re going to do the sketch or so help me…

[ Oprah slugs Lorne in the face then chokes him in a headlock. ]

Oprah Winfrey: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

I Play The Maids

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Danitra Vance

[ open in Danitra Vance’s dressing room, Danitra’s reflection seen close-up in her mirror, the dressing room dor visible in the background of the mirror ]

Lorne Michaels: [ poking head hrough the open door ] Danitra, five minutes until the “Gone With The Wind” sketch.

Danitra Vance: [ singing ]
“I’ve been alive for a long time,
And I played the very first maid.
I cooked the buns,
Nurse the chillings,
Did the house work.
I didn’t care if I got paid.

I played the maid who has a hearty laugh.
I played the maid who’s pale-faced daughter tried to pass.
I was the maid who taught Shirley Temple how to dance.
I play the maids, I play the maids.
I am merry, and I play the maids.”

Lorne Michaels: [ poking his head back through the open door ] Five minutes, Danitra. Five minutes.

Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
April 19th, 1986

Tony Danza

Laurie Anderson

Penn & Teller

Nancy Reagan’s Personal Trainer

Recurring Characters: Nancy Reagan.

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Babette.

Master Thespian

Recurring Characters: Master Thespian.

Biff & Salena

Recurring Characters: Biff, Selena.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 15

85o: Tony Danza / Laurie Anderson

Lyndon LaRouche Theatre

Adrian…..Tony Danza
Queen Elizabeth…..Joan Cusack
Henry Kissinger…..Al Franken
Prince Charles…..Jon Lovitz
Lyndon LaRouche…..Randy Quaid

FADE IN:

INT. STUDY – NIGHT

SUPER: LYNDON LAROUCHE THEATRE

[ Photos of various LaRouches and LYNDON LAROUCHE himself adorn an oak shelf. Nestled by the photos are two campaign bumper stickers. One reads: MORE NUKES, LESS KOOKS. Another reads: THROW JANE FONDA TO THE WHALES. Lyndon sits in a leather reclined chair, holding a leather bound book. ]

Lyndon LaRouche: Good evening, I’m Lyndon LaRouche and welcome to “Lyndon LaRouche Theatre”. As you remember from last week – the evil, homosexual Henry Kissinger had conspired with the degenerate drug pusher Queen Elizabeth to traffic in narcotics, to raise foreign exchange currency for the decaying British Empire. The satanic Kissinger, himself a Soviet agent, had in collusion with the sinister David Rockefeller and their accomplice – the self-important George Bush, arranged to lend billions to third world nations at luxurious rates; all part of a treacherous plot to commit genocide on the African subcontinent. A plot hatched in the mind of the most evil man of the 20th century – Walter Mondale. In tonight episode, The Royal Cut, the flaccid, depraved Kissinger is doing the bidding of villainess and equally unattractive Queen Elizabeth…

EXT. BUCKINGHAM PALACE – DAY

[ QUEEN ELIZABETH measures heroin on a scale, packages it, places it in a foam-padded silver briefcase, and shuts it. HENRY KISSINGER watches the Queen standing while his lover ADRIAN has his hands all over him. ]

Queen Elizabeth: This is the most purest heroin ever! You must thank David Rockefeller for me.

Henry Kissinger: I will. Here’s the cash from the last run.

[ Kissinger hands the Queen a briefcase. She opens it. ]

Henry Kissinger: It’s all there.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, we’ve done business together before. I trust you. Your homosexual lover is quite beautiful, Henry.

Henry Kissinger: Yes. He has a beautifully battered face. Don’t you think?

[ The Queen extends her hand onto Adrian. ]

Henry Kissinger: Keep your clammy hands off him! I told you – he’s mine!

[ The Queen goes around Adrian. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Whatever do you see in this ugly man?

Adrian: He’s so e-v-v-il. I find wickedness such a turn-on! Did you know Henry planned to enslave the third world?

[ Adrian embraces Kissinger. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Truly it was my idea.

Henry Kissinger: Well… the three of us… you, me, and Walter Mondale.

Queen Elizabeth: Enough chit-chat! I want you and Adrian to take this heroin to America and distribute it to our Eastern friends.

Henry Kissinger: Perhaps you can get someone else to do it.

Queen Elizabeth: Why Henry!? It’s not like you to get cold feet.

Henry Kissinger: Well lately, it’s this Lyndon LaRouche guy. He’s making things very hard right now.

Adrian: Henry wakes up screaming in a sweat. Every night, screaming LaRouche’s name! I have to give him cold alcohol rubs to put him back to sleep.

[ Adrian massages Kissinger, who moans in joy. ]

Queen Elizabeth: I can’t believe LaRouche is still a menace. Didn’t we pass on orders to NBC News and the Jesuits to make sure he’d be discredited?

Henry Kissinger: Yes, but it backfired. LaRouche is more powerful with the common people.

[ The Queen gags. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Ugh! The common people…

Henry Kissinger: Anyway, anyway sweetie… you’re going to have to find someone else to deliver this smack!

[ Kissinger shoves the silver briefcase into the Queen’s chest. ]

Queen Elizabeth: But whom?

[ PRINCE CHARLES opens the door and hops in. ]

Prince Charles: Hello Mum! Come to say goodbye! Diana and I are off to Palm Beach for the polo!

[ The Queen, Kissinger, and Adrian smile. ]

Queen Elizabeth: Charles, be a good lad and take this case to Palm Beach. I’ll have Vice President Bush come there to meet you and pick it up.

[ The Queen hands the silver briefcase to Charles. ]

Prince Charles: Alright Mum! What’s in it?

Queen Elizabeth: A tarantula!

Prince Charles: Well, I shall be careful then. Cheerio Mum!

[ Charles exits. ]

Henry Kissinger: Boy, what a moron. What is it? The inbreeding or what?

[ Adrian tussles with his collar. ]

Adrian: I thought he was cute… in a weird sort of way…

[ Charles re-enters. ]

Prince Charles: Mother, won’t the tarantula suffocate?

Queen Elizabeth: No, he’ll be fine! They can live for months without food or water. Just go!

Prince Charles: Very well then! Bye Mum!

[ Charles exits. The Queen shuts the door. All three cackle. Kissinger caresses Adrian’s chest, but Adrian turns away as the Queens caresses Adrian’s right cheek. She and Kissinger attempt a three-way kiss. ]

INT. STUDY – NIGHT

Lyndon LaRouche: Next week in part three, diabolical Kissinger and miscreant Elizabeth engage KGB agents to assassinate me while continuing to sponsor attacks in the media which attempt to foster one of the most monstrous lies of the 20th century – that I am insane. Thank you and good night.

[ LaRouche nods down while cradling the book. The camera pans over to the oak shelf. ]

SUPER: LYNDON LAROUCHE THEATRE

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Unconditional Love

…..Tony Danza
…..Joan Cusack

[ open on interior, bedroom ]

Wife: I love you so much!

Husband: I love you!

Wife: I love you more!

Husband: I love you more!

Wife: No, I love you more. You have no idea how much I love you.

Husband: Oh, yes, I do!

Wife: No, you don’t. Because I have no idea! How much do you love me?

Husband: A lot!

Wife: Just a lot?

Husband: Well, what do you want me to say?

Wife: I want you to say you love me more than anything in the world!

Husband: I love you more than anything in the world!

Wife: You’re just saying that.

Husband: Kathy, come on.. I really do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Wife: More than the Knicks?

Husband: [ thinking ] Well.. this year! [ laughs ] I love you!

Wife: Why? Why do you love me?

Husband: Why? Well, because.. because you’re beautiful.. and because you’re wonderful.. and because you’re terrific.. and because you have a really great.. [ looks at her chest ] uh.. you’re loveable! you’re loveable, that’s all.. [ she remains silent ] What?

Wife: You don’t love me for me! What if I was fat? Would you love me if I was 300 pounds?

Husband: Your breasts would be bigger! [ laughs ]

Wife: Come on!

Husband: I’m joking! I’m joking here!

Wife: Would you love me if I was six inches tall, and you had to carry me around in a shoebox?

Husband: I love you!

Wife: What if my arm was 40 feet long, and you had to move it around in a truck.

Husband: Okay.. you talk so big? You talk big? Let me ask you something – would you love me if I was going bald?

Wife: [ thinking ] I would love you if everything you touched turned bald.

Husband: [ impressed ] Ooohhhh! I love you, I love you!

Wife: Would you love me if I refused to ever have sex with you again?

Husband: In a different way..

Wife: Would you love me if I hated you?

Husband: Now, wait a second!

Wife: Answer the question!

Husband: Wait a second..

Wife: God! You have to think about it?

Husband: No! I love you! I love you!

Wife: Would you.. love me if I was seeing someone else?

Husband: [ caught off guard ] What?

Wife: Would you love me if I was seeing someone on and off for the last eleven weeks, more on than off?

Husband: Now, now, now.. wait a minute, what’s going on here?!

Wife: Just answer the question. [ phone rings ] That could be him.

[ phone rings again ]

Husband: Answer the phone!

Wife: Answer my question!

Husband: [ reaches over the bed, grabs the phone and slams it to the ground ]

Wife: Why, you crazy.. [ she picks the phone up from the ground ] Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Scarpelli. Yeah, he’s right here, hold on a second..

Husband: [ takes the phone ] Hi, Mom! [ laughs ] No, Mom, everything’s fine, everything’s okay! I just dropped it down by accident! Yeah. Yes, Mom, I love you. Yes. A lot! Oh, come on, Mom..!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts