Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 18

82r: Susan St. James / Michael McDonald

Our Generation

Mother…..Susan Saint James
Eugene Beakman…..Gary Kroeger
Father…..Joe Piscopo
Buddy…..Brad Hall
Leslie…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Lottery Spokesman…..Tim Kazurinsky

[Eugene is lounging in a chair in a living room, bored and listless]

Mother: Eugene, why don’t you go out and look for a job today?

Eugene: Nah. I don’t feel like doing much of anything.

Mother: Well, then, why don’t you go clean up your room?

Eugene: Nah.

Mother: Eugene, would like to sell your mother’s jewelry and buy yourself an expensive sports car?

Eugene: Nah.

Mother: Then do nothing, you good-for-nothing bum! All you ever do is sit around the house all day. You’re no son of mine. Look at your brother Frank: he’s twenty-nine years old and he has his own law firm. You’re twenty-six year old and you’re still living at home. It’s time for you to move out!

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Eunice, where’s the morning paper?

Mother: Look at your son, Harvey. He’s a good-for-nothing bum. He just sits around the house all day.

Father: Oh, hey, hey, hey. What’s the matter, sport? How’d you like to go outside and play some ball with the old man, huh?

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Well, you wanna go upstairs and help me put in the screen windows? I need some help, you know.

Eugene: Nah.

Father: I know; I know what you’d like. How’d you like a thousand dollars to go out and buy the best darn drum set around, huh? Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Eugene: Nah.

Father: Well, you go straight to Hell, you little bum. Your mother’s right; you’re nothing but a bum. Why can’t you be more like your sister? She’s half your age and already a Rhodes Scholar at Oxford. Why don’t you just go crawl in a hole and die somewhere?

Eugene: Nah.

[Doorbell rings. Mother lets in Buddy and Leslie]

Mother: Hi.

Buddy: Hi, Ms. Beakman. Is Eugie here? Oh, hey, Eugie, how you doin’, man? You wanna go out and have some fun with your buddy?

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Well uh, Les and I are gonna go to the Cubs game. We got an extra ticket; how ‘bout it? Huh?

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: Awe, come on, Eugie. I’ll make non-stop love to you in the car on the way.

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: Aw, you can go to Hell, Eugie.

Buddy: Yeah, Eugie, you’re a good-for-nothing. You’re a human waste.

Leslie: Why don’t you just go suck an egg?

Eugene: Nah.

Leslie: I’m getting out of here, Eugie.

Buddy: Yeah, me too. See ya.

[Lottery Spokesman is at door when they open it to leave]

Lottery Spokesman: Is this the home of Mr. Eugene Beakman?

Leslie: Oh, yeah, he’s right over there.

Lottery Spokesman: Well, Mr. Beakman, you are the winner of the Sunset House Golden 50th Anniversary Sweepstakes. You’ve just won one million dollars! That’s a thousand dollars a year for the rest of your life, every year.

Buddy: Oh my God! Eugie, way to go, buddy!

Leslie: Eugie, that is…

Lottery Spokesman: You will never have to work another day in your life. All you have to do is sign here.

Eugene: Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: Well, I need your signature to verify that you’ve won.

Eugene: Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: If you don’t sign this, I can’t give you the money.

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together. Come on, man!

Lottery Spokesman: Oh, Mr. Beakman, don’t be an idiot! This is – this is a million dollars! You’ll never have to work another day in your life!

Eugene: [pauses for thought] Nah.

Lottery Spokesman: You’re the luckiest man alive! You’ve won…

Buddy: Come on, Eugie, get it together, man!

Leslie: Come on, wake up, Eugie.

Eugene: Nah.

Buddy: Eugie!

Leslie: Eugie!

Lottery Spokesman: Mr. Beakman!

[Eugene starts to exit]

Father: Eugene, come to your senses, son. What are you doin’?

Mother: Eugene, where are you going?

Eugene: Mmm. Thought I’d go upstairs… diddle with my fiddle.

Submitted by: Melissa Snyder

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3




Search Now:

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Harry Anderson

…..Ron Howard
…..Harry Anderson

Ron Howard: Ladies and gentlemen – the incredible, the unbelievable, and, as his own mother once said: the almost inconceivable – Harry Anderson!

[ Harry Anderson takes the stage, carrying a trick bag and a collapsable chair. He opens the chair, sits the trick bag on the seat, and begins his routine. ]

Harry Anderson: [ reaches into his pocket, glances toward the audience ] How ya’ doing? Here’s one you’ll love. [ removes a piece of paper and a lighter from his pocket. He flicks the switch and sets the paper on fire, which rolls into a cigarette from behind the flames. The audience cheers and claps as Harry puts the cigarette in his mouth. ] This stuff’s dynamite. [ lights the cigarette, puffs, glances behind himself in a paranoid manner ] Huh? [ continues to smoke the cigarette, until the tip explodes ] This stuff is dynamite.

[ drops the cigarette and removes his jacket ]

I’m gonna show you a weird trick. It’s a geek trick – you all into geeks? You know about geeks? Geeks are the guys who work the midway of a circus, and they bite the heads off of chickens, and swallow live snakes, and eat ground glass – they’re party commando types, you know? [ rolls up the sleeve of his left arm ] So this is a trick – it’s a geek trick, so it’s weird and it’s kind of shocking. But it’s a trick. Yuo gotta keep that in mind – it’s a trick. It’s an illusion. Kind of like economic recovery. [ the audience laughs ] Yuo see it, but it ain’t there. It goes like this. I clean off my forearm. [ wipes his forearm with a handkerchief ] not the whole forearm, just the foreskin part. [ puts the handkerchief away and takes out a small anesthetic ] Employing a local anesthetic, for reasons which will become nakedly clear in a moment. Then, I take a very large and a very sharp hat pin. [ looks around ] Hat pin.. hat pin. [ glances up ] Oh. Of course. [ pulls an extremely long hat pin off of his hat ] I take this hat pin, and I will shove it through my arm. [ the audience laughs nervously ] But it’s a trick! It’s a trick. You know? I mean, if you had any idea what I’m getting paid for this, you would know I’m not going to shove the needle through my arm. [ audience laughs ] It’s a gag. [ demonstrates “gag” by shoving his finger down his throat ] A gag. [ sticks his finger down his throat again, then checks the level ] Boy, I’m low. [ removes a flask of alcohol from his pocket and prepares to swig it ] Like the geeks say, “When you swallow a snake, you gotta oil that sucker up, boy!” [ swigs from the flask ] Okay. [ takes a bigger swig ] The needle through the arm gag. A treat for you and your whole.. [ pauses for a small burp ] family.

Can I have mood lighting here? [ no change in lighting ] Thank you. Okay. [ flexes his left arm, hiding the part of his arm he’s going to stab from the audience ] Aaaaggghhhhh!! [ checks for a puncture ] That damn near did it. [ readies his arm anew, then screams as he moves the hat pin forward, obscured from the audience’s view. As far as the audience is concerned, Harry hasn’t shoved the hat pin through his arm at all. ] How’s it look from the cheap seats? Huh? Does it look like it’s going through my arm. [ the audience chuckles at what appears to be a hat pin shoved through Harry’s arm from behind ] It’s spooky, huh? No? Does it look better from this side? [ swings his arm around to reveal the long hat pin pierced across his forearm; the audience gasps and screams ] What a bunch of namby-pambies! What? It’s a trick! It’s an illusion. It looks like — [ glances at his arm ] Gee, that really looks like it, don’t it? But it’s a trick, see? It looks like the needle is going through my arm. Actually, it is not going through my arm. How about that?

[ Harry he begins to move the needle back and forth, as blood begins to trickle from the puncture wounds, causing the audience to scream in horror. Harry himself finally notices the blood dripping down his arm, and pulls his arm up in confusion. ]

What the hell is that?! [ touches the blood with one finger ] Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold on, hold on! Hold on here, hold on, hold on. [ retrieves the book “101 Needle Gags” from his trick bag, and quickly flips through it ] Hold on, hold on, hold on! Blood. Wait a minute, wait a minute here. Blood. [ flips the pages ] “Bocce Ball”, hold on, hold on. [ flips a page ] “Baby Feet.” [ flips a page ] “Barnyward Animals.” [ flips a page ] Blood, blood, here it is! Blood! [ reads ] “Don’t panic. Apply direct pressure.” [ glances at the audience, points to one of them ] You! Get outta here! Go home, get a job, call your mom! [ shrugs his shoulders, then pokes his finger through the missing lens of his bifocals and continues to read from the book ] “If direct pressure gag doesn’t go over that well, then check the blood. See if it is phony blood made out of karo syrup and food coloring by tasting it.” [ scoops up a fingerful of the blood gushing from his arm, then hesitantly tastes it, making sure to get as much of it on his tongue as he can ] It’s good. It’s delicious. [ scoops up more of the blood and continues to feast upon it ] Yuo see, it’s phony blood. See, the needle — [ twists the hat pin back and forth again, as a woman screams ] Lady, it’s a trick! If your cat has kittens in the oven, you don’t call them biscuits, right? [ the audience laughs ] Why am I — ? I feel like I’m missing the entertainment potential of this thing. [ takes hold of the hat pin once more ] Would you like me to play “Melancholy Baby”? [ twists the hat pin back and forth as though playing the violin, causing the audience to scream louder ]

Okay, okay, enough of that! [ pulls the hat pin out of his arm ] But, so you don’t think I’m a total lunatic here – let me clean the phony blood from my arm — [ wipes the blood off his forearm with his handkerchief ] — and ask this brave lady here to check out my arm. [ approaches a woman near the front of the audience ] Get a good look at it. Feel it and check it out – baby’s bottom. Go ahead, no puncture wounds, right? [ the woman feels his forearm, impressed ] No damage done, right?

Woman in the Audience: It’s amazing.. it’s amazing..

Harry Anderson: Okay! That’s, uh — [ returns to the stage, as the audience applauds ] Since we’re on the geek stuff, what else do you guys like? What other tricks? I’ve got other tricks. What do you like? [ the audience yells suggestions ] Huh? Rabbit? Rabbit? Okay. [ digs around his trick bag for a rabbit ] I got a rabbit. [ pulls out a plush bunny and a huge spike, which he shoves through the plush bunny’s head ] I don’t think it’s clearly as dramatic — [ twists the plush bunny around the spike ] Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Ron Howard’s Monologue

…..Ron Howard

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Ron Howard!

Ron Howard: Thank you! I have really been looking forward to doing the show tonight, because I have spent my entire life.. in prime-time.. being repressed. But this – this is late-night. This is live! This is my time to fly! So what if it’s past my bedtime? I’m up! I’m finally gonna get to say some of the things, and do some of the things, that they’d never let me touch on prime-time televison. For example, here’s something they’d never let me say.. [ pulls index card from out of his pocket ] ..“Doo-doo”. Are we still on the air? Okay, here’s another one.. [ reads ] ..”Premarital Sex”. That’s right – Intercourse“. “Jock Itch”. [ looks at card ] Ah, yeah, here’s another good one: “Prophylactic”.

[ changes subject ]

Another thing, too.. [ pulls can of beer out of pocket ] I drank beer on “Happy Days”, but it was prime-time beer. It was fake beer! You all knew that, right? Well, let me tell you something.. [ pops open can ] ..this is the real stuff! [ chugs beer ] Yeah! [ drinks more ] Yeah, this show has been a real liberating experience! We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3







Search Now:

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

…..Brad Hall
…..Mary Gross
Andy Rooney…..Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on the “SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS” caption against the backdrop of the Manhattan skyline.]

Don Pardo: And now, “Saturday Night News,” with the Saturday Night News team… and anchorman Brad Hall.

[PAN over to Brad wearing dark-rimmed glasses at the news desk.]

Brad: Good evening, I’m Brad Hall. Our top story tonight:

[Monitor displays a photo of two gentlemen in suits standing at attention in front of a wall.]

Brad: President Reagan and Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Voeker were lined up and executed by a firing squad today for letting the unemployment rate zoom to 10.1 percent. [light applause]

Brad: And now, here with a very special news commentary on the unemployment crisis, is SNL news correspondent Mary Gross. [removes glasses] Mary?

[PAN over to Mary as the audience applauds.]

Mary: Thank you. You know, that 10.1% figure, translated into human terms, means that over eleven and a half million people are out of work in America. [smacks desktop] Boy, this unemployment thing really gets my dander up. [brushes off her shoulder] What’s even worse is that it’s the WRONG eleven and a half million people that are out of work. That’s right–now I’ve compiled a list of the RIGHT eleven and a half million people who SHOULD be out of work, and I’ll just read off as many as I can, ’cause it’s a big list. Okay, here we go.

[She pulls out a long computer printout with sprocket-feed borders.]

Mary: George Steinbrenner! Okay? [riotous cheers] Yeah! Yeah! All right! HE should be out of work! Get him out of work, and FAST, okay? Now, how about Sammy Davis’s jeweler, huh? Can we get him out of there? [applause] Okay? How about the kids who have played Annie? Any kid who’s ever played Annie! Let’s get ’em off the payroll! The Osmond Family! They should be unemployed. Yes, I think so, very quickly. As a matter of fact, all of your acting families: the Carradines, the Bottomses, the Bridges, the O’Neills. Eugene, Tatum, Tip! Outta here! [pounds desk] Get ’em out of here! These people should be unemployed, ladies and gentlemen. And I’m not finished! Geraldo Rivera! [applause] Huh? How about him? You know what his real name is? Jerry Rivers. He should be doing TAX work, that’s what he should be doing! How about Gary Collins and Mary Ann Mobley, huh? Why are they working, and Bert Parks isn’t? Boy, now I’m really mad. Can you see how mad I am? Are you ready for this one? Hey, you, Michael Landon: get off the house, out of the prairie, and onto the unemployment, okay, babe? All right? [laughter and applause] You heard me, kiddo. And Pia Zadora, need I say more? Where am I, where am I? Oh, yeah, Richard Thomas! Ruth Gordon, and all the new Dukes of Hazzard. Get outta here, you guys! You’re nuts! They make me mad. What about the guy who booked Kate Smith on the Emmys? Where IS that nut? Get him out of here! Or the Tampa Philharmonic. The guy who writes all those CAT books? Sidney Sheldon, you and your entire blood line, outta here! The crew of “The Love Boat”: put it in DRYDOCK, babe. [laughter and applause] Get out of here. You know who I wanna get? I want Wayne Newton’s tailor! Outta here! The Statler Brothers, Jerry Vale’s A&R man, the staff of the Knoxville World’s Fair–who cares? And any handsome businessman who gets into a cab and says, “Air France, please.” I want them out of work! The Kilgore Rangerettes, who the hell are they? Why are they working? And limo drivers who look like Al Pacino. Get outta here. Any chef who serves you a fish that still has a face on it, I hate that! The Rose Bowl float makers, and women who have their babies at home, and then PHOTOGRAPH it for us. They should all be unemployed, including their babies! I want the guy who puts those subscription cards in the magazines, and they fall in your lap when you try to open it. That drives me nuts! [applause] And I tell you who I want especially out of work! I want that nun I had in the sixth grade who falsely accused me of talking when I was just coughing! That woman should be unemployed! NOT the auto workers! Those guys need all the money–

[Brad finally claps Mary on the shoulder.]

Brad: Thank you, Mary. Thank you very much.

Mary: Oh, thank you, Brad.

[cheers and applause]

Brad: Back to the news. Would-be assassin John W. Hinckley has registered a complaint with the American Civil Liberties Union, saying that St. Elizabeth Hospital officials are reading his mail, restricting his telephone calls, limiting his visitors, and hampering with his access to the press. Hinckley summed up his grievances by saying, “This place treats me like a nut.” [snickers]

[Monitor shows a photo of young children standing in front of an airplane scaffold.]

Brad: This week, a total of 35 children of American fathers and Vietnamese mothers left Vietnam for new homes in the United States of America. The children were conceived during the Vietnam War, and at least 15 of them bear an uncanny resemblance to Bob Hope. [laughter and applause] Makes you think, doesn’t it?

[DISSOLVE to a photo of Spiro Agnew.]

Brad: Think about this. Former Vice-President Spiro “No Lo Contendere” Agnew was back in the news again this week, and no one can figure out why. Political analysts say that no matter what Mr. Agnew’s reasons are for resurfacing, it’s definitely bad news for America.

[DISSOLVE to Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin.]

Brad: In a surprise move today, Menachem Begin announced that he has found the long-sought-after home for the beleaguered Palestinian people.

[DISSOLVE to a photo of a typical suburban house.]

Brad: It is this three-bedroom, two-bath ranch style home in Palos Verdes, California. Begin was so pleased with his find, he has bought the home himself, and he’s willing to, uh, sell it to the Palestinians with a mortgage of only nine percent, which is five percent below the Prime. What a guy, huh?

[DISSOLVE to a grinning beauty pageant contestant.]

Brad: This pretty face belongs to Miss America 1983, Deborah Sue Moffitt, who recently revealed that a few years ago…

[DISSOLVE to a photo of a much more average-looking Moffitt with a baseball cap.]

Brad: …she looked like THIS, before her cosmetic surgery. In recent years, many public figures have admitted to having had similar surgery. Among them, former First Lady Betty Ford.

[DISSOLVE to Betty Ford.]

Brad: Shown here with her new face, and here, with her old face…

[DISSOLVE to an earlier photo of Mrs. Ford.]

Brad: …shortly before the surgery. Others include Chicago’s mayor Jane Byrne.

[DISSOLVE to Mayor Byrne.]

Brad: Here she is today…

[DISSOLVE to a retouched photo of Mayor Byrne with a sagging face.]

Brad: …and as she looked before her operation. And then there’s Carol Burnett.

[DISSOLVE to a smiling Carol Burnett.]

Brad: With her new chin here, and…

[DISSOLVE to an earlier photo of Carol Burnett.]

Brad: …here’s Carol without her new chin, sometime in the distant past.

[DISSOLVE to Barbra Streisand.]

Brad: Now, you probably didn’t know that Barbra Streisand actually had some surgery too. Well, she did.

[DISSOLVE to a photo of David Brenner.]

Brad: Here she is BEFORE the operation. [laughter, applause, hooting] Modern science is truly amazing, isn’t it?

[DISSOLVE to a young David Letterman cracking a grin.]

Brad: And then there’s our friend David Letterman.

Audience: [applauding] YEAH!

Brad: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Well, he’s a pretty hip guy, how could he have work done on his face?” Well, think AGAIN.

[DISSOLVE to Alfred E. Newman of “Mad” magazine.]

Brad: You must admit it’s… [laughter and applause] It’s quite a difference. A fine job done there–you know, the fact is, they didn’t even TOUCH his teeth. Speaking of teeth…

[DISSOLVE to Jimmy Carter.]

Brad: Here’s former President Jimmy Carter. Yes, Jimmy Carter actually had cosmetic surgery before he entered the public eye.

[DISSOLVE to Louise Lasser of “Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.”]

Brad: The old Carter smile, there… There it is. It’s absolutely indescructible.

[DISSOLVE to a photo of Interior Secretary James Watt.]

Brad: Now, two weeks ago, on the Saturday Night News, I made a phone call to this man, James Watt. I, I called him up right from this very news desk. At that time, I lost my temper with Mr. Watt, and I think I displayed little or no self-control at all. Although I do still disagree with absolutely every decision that the man has ever made in his entire life, I think that I owe him a public apology right here tonight. I behaved very badly. I… am a journalist. I had no right to call this man a slime. [glances over his shoulder at Watt] He’s not a slime…

[Brad chuckles and grins self-consciously for several seconds.]

Brad: [whispers] Excuse me just one moment.

[He stands from his chair and turns toward the monitor.]

Brad: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[Brad swings and punches the screen right in Watt’s mouth. He rips a gaping black hole over most of his face. Clearing his throat, Brad returns to the desk and smiles victoriously over cheers of approval.]

Brad: Good. The man’s a slime. I’m glad I got that off my chest. You know, some people say… that the problem in the Middle East cannot be solved. But there’s one man who has a solution that he believes will bring peace to the Middle East. And he’s here with us now at the Saturday Night News desk, and his name is Andy Rooney. Andy?

[PAN over to Rooney hunched slightly over the desk.]

Andy: What’s all this fuss about the Middle East? Why the big deal? D’ya ever notice how sloppy they dress over there? Sadat always wore a suit. Whatever happened to the Nehru jacket? The nightly news won’t let us forget the Middle East. All you see is rubble from buildings. Some of those houses look like they were built by Fred Flintstone. Why can’t Begin and Arafat get together? What kind of a name is Yasser? Is that the opposite of “No, sir”? And Arafat’s hat: why does he insist on wearing a tablecloth from Pizza Hut? [laughter] He should either buy a better headpiece, or eat at better restaurants. And why do women from the Mideast cover their faces? You think they all have facial hair? I guess electrolysis is against Moslem law. D’ya ever notice the moles on Menachem Begin’s face?

Brad: Thank you, Andy.

Andy: And why is it called the Middle East?

Brad: Thanks very much.

Andy: Is it really in the middle?

Brad: Andy Rooney, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. [cheers and applause]

Well, that’s all the news for tonight. I’m Brad Hall for Saturday Night Live News. Good night.

Andy: And what about Iran, huh?

[PAN back and SUPERIMPOSE “SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS” over the entire sceen.]

Andy: Why can’t Iran and Iraq get together?

[FADE to black as Andy turns to Brad and continues whining.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3




Search Now:

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Nukes Are For Kooks

Ed…..Gary Kroeger
Mrs. Board…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Brian…..Brad Hall
Robber…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on interior, general store, where storekeeper Ed and co-worker Mrs. Board each conduct business while clutching a nuclear warhead ]

Ed: Big dance over at the high school tonight, Mrs. Board.

Mrs. Board: Oh, I remember my first high school dance.

Ed: Yep, so do I. You know, you were quite a looker then.

Mrs. Board: Ooh, well, you were nothing to sneeze at in those days, Ed.

[ they each chuckle at the remembrance ]

Ed: You know, the nights I’ve spent dreaming about sucking your face, Mrs. Board,

Mrs. Board: [ blushes ] Oh, Ed!

[ they again laugh, as Brian sprints into the general store carrying a nuclear warhead of his own ]

Brian: Hey, Doc! Hey, Mrs. Board

Ed: Well, hello, Brian!

Mrs. Board: Hi there, young man. What have you been up to?

Brian: Pearl diving. Why?

Mrs. Board: Well, you got a big date for the dance?

Brian: You’re darn right! I’ve got my first date with a real girl!

Mrs. Board: Oh, my goodness! Isn’t that nice?

Brian: Yeah! [ moves over toward Ed at the counter ] After the dance, I’m gonna bring her here for a soda, Doc!

Ed: Well, you know, it’s always nice to see your fresh face in my general store, Brian.

Brian: It’s just youth, sir, just youth.

[ Ed chuckles at the anecdote, as a robber runs into the general store carrying, not a nuclear warhead, but a pistol ]

Robber: Alright, you hicks – freeze! [ runs over to Ed at the counter ] Alright, old man, open the cash register.

Ed: You don’t mind if I ask you this, young man: [ covers the pistol with his hand ] Is that a real gun you’re sportin’ there? [ he and the others laugh amongst themselves ]

Robber: You want to find out the hard way, old man?

Ed: Oh, no! No, no, no! I-I don’t suppose I do! [ he and the others continue to laugh amongst themselves ]

Robber: [ rushes over to Mrs. Board and Brian ] Hey! Hey! What’s so funny? [ Brian just laughs ] Yeah? You just keep laughing while I blow away the old lady! [ wraps his arm around Mrs. Board to hold her hostage, but the others just laugh harder ]

Mrs. Board: [ to Brian ] Did you bring your camera, I want a picture of this!

Brian: I forgot the Instamatic – today of all days!

Ed: [ walks over to join the crowd ] Always – always when you need one, huh? [ they all continue to laugh amongst themselves ]

Robber: [ confused ] Hey! Hey, wh-what’s going on?

Ed: Oh, listen here, young feller – that gun won’t do you any good here in Dunkerton.

Robber: [ getting angry ] And why not?

Ed: We all carry nuclear warheads. [ pats his on the head ]

Brian: Yep! [ pats his on the head as well ]

Mrs. Board: It’s a city ordinance!

Robber: City ordinance? Huh?

Ed: That’s right – city ordinance! It says every citizen’s got to carry himself a warhead. “No one is gonna step on Dunkerton,” says the Mayor. So you cause any ruckus in this store, and we’ll drop these warheads. Blow out a patch of land the size of Des Moines, blow your fingers and toes down clear over to Keokuk!

Robber: [ not impressed ] Yeah, well, it’ll take your fingers and toes clear over to Keokuk, too!

Ed: Damn straight! So just get the Sam Hill outta here!

Robber: [ taps Ed’s nuclear warhead with his pistol ] Yeah, well, you forgot one thing, Oppenheimer! I am a very desperate man with very little to lose! [ walks back over to the cash register ] So you know what I’m gonna do, pal? I am gonna cal your bluff! [ opens the cash register and begins collecting the paper bills ]

Ed: [ aghast ] Do you think I’m bluffin’?! Well, just look at me now if you think I’m bluffin’! I’ll drop this warhead! [ raises his nuclear warhead into the air ] Ready position! [ Mrs. Board and Brian raise their nuclear warheads into the air as well ]

Robber: [ chuckles to himself as he crosses toward the door ] Bombs away, Dunkers! [ exits the general store ]

Ed: Huh?! Get the Sam Hill back here! [ stands at the fot of the door, screaming into the distance ] I’ll drop it!! I will drop it!!

[ Mrs. Board and Brian lower their nucelar warheads in defeat ]

Brian: Hey, Doc Festoon?

Ed: [ meekly lowers his nuclear warhead as well ] What is it, Brian?

Brian: Well. Perhaps nuclear warheads are not an effective deterrant.

Ed: That’s right, Brian. [ turns to address the audience ] Nuclear warheads are not an effective deterrant. And weren’t we fools not to realize it? Why, there are already seven nations in the nuclear club, with the ability to destroy the Earth many times over.

Mrs. Board: [ moves forward, removing her glasses ] Well, you know, the idea that you can win a nuclear war is just bunk! It’s loony!

Brian: [ comes forward as well ] Gosh! I’ve learned an important lesson here today! Nukes are for kooks! [ smiles ]

[ the robber re-enters the general store to address the audience as well ]

Robber: That’s mighty convincing anti-nuclear rhetoric. I’d like to re-create this scene for my friends, so that they might know the evils of nuclear proliferation!

Ed: Well, you’re in luck! [ to the audience ] Transcripts of this scene are available now from this station. Here’s how to order. [ looks up ] Don?

Don Pardo V/O: Thanks, Ed.

[ dissolve to information card ]

For your transcript, send $2.95 and a stamped self-addressed envelope to: “Nukes Are For Kooks, Saturday Night Live Sketches With a Message Dept. Box 9-1-2, New York, New York, 1-0-1-0-1.”

[ dissolve back to general store scene ]

Altogether: And, remember – only you can prevent forest fires!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Opie’s Back

Floyd…Eddie Murphy
Otis…Joe Piscopo
Aunt Bea…Robin Duke
Opie…Ron Howard
Barney…Gary Kroeger
Gomer…Brad Hall
Andy…Andy Griffith

[Open on black-and-white photo of small town. The “Andy Griffith Show” theme is whistled in the background]

Announcer: Mayberry, 1963. A haven of traditional American values. A quiet paradise of warmth, hospitality, and law and order. [Dissolve to photo of Andy Griffith as Sheriff Andy Taylor] all maintained by Sheriff Andy Taylor. But then, Sheriff Taylor was killed in a fishing accident. [Dissolve to photo of Mayberry storefronts, including Floyd’ Barber Shop] and with its protector gone, Mayberry went bad! [Music changes to “stripper” version of theme song. The storefronts suddenly transform into adult businesses: “Girls Girls Girls”, “Floyd’s Sex Palace” and “Drugs”] Mayberry, 1982. A cesspool of vice, where pleasure is cheap, and life is cheaper.

[Dissolve to the inside of Floyd’s store. In addition to the barber chair, the store contains blow-up sex dolls, lingerie and other adult merchandise]

Floyd: [to customer in barber chair] Here you go. All straightened up now. Now, that was a haircut and a shave, and, oh, a party doll. I think that’s gonna cost you $40. Ah, thank you very much. Thank you, sir. Have a nice day! Have a very nice day! [Customer opens the door as Otis the drunk enters]

Customer: Oh hi, Otis! [exits]

Otis: [staggers over to Floyd, slurring] Floyd, ya gotta help me! I need a fix!

Floyd: Otis, you shut up and sit down! [forces Otis into the barber chair]

Otis: I need a fix real bad, Floyd. I feel spiders under my skin.

Floyd: You shut your mouth. You still owe me money. [Waves razor in front of Otis] I’ll cut you wide open, you fat pig!

Otis: Don-Don-Don’t cut me! Don’t cut me! I heard you had a little party last night, Floyd.

Floyd: Oh yeah, that big shindig last night. Tied up that old bitch Thelma Lou for a better view from the ceiling, then I lathered her up with my strap and gave her a little shave.

Otis: [burps] Did she scream a lot?

Floyd: Only when I nicked her, Otis. [laughs]

[Aunt Bea enters holding a gun]

Aunt Bea: You turn around real slow, Floyd, or I’ll put a bullet in that black butt of yours!

Floyd: [turns around] Oh, Bea, how are ya? So good to see you.

Aunt Bea: Well, Floyd, Thelma Lou tells me that you sliced her up a little and nobody cuts up one of my girls without payin’ extra.

Floyd: Oh sorry, I don’t think I have any extra money on me.

Aunt Bea: Well…

[Snare drum beat cuts them off as narration resumes]

Announcer: Mayberry, a town in the grips of the hardest criminals ever to stain a street. But in 1982, the scum who run Mayberry had better watch out because…

[A grown-up Opie Taylor enters, wearing a sheriff’s uniform and drawing his gun]

Opie: FREEZE!

[SUPER: “OPIE’S BACK”]

Narrator: Opie’s back!

[Dissolve to black-and-white photo of young Opie Taylor]

Narrator: Opie Taylor. Once he was a young, small-town wimp who got beaten up for his lunch money. [Dissolve to photo of grown-up Opie in soldier’s uniform] But then he left home and grew up fast in Vietnam. [Dissolve to photo of American soldier in Vietnam] and taught the Viet Cong a lesson in small town American values with a flame-thrower. [Dissolve back to present-day Opie in Floyd’s store] And now, he’s back ready to clean up Mayberry with a loaded .357.

Opie: Drop that gun, lady!

Aunt Bea: Why, I recognize that voice! It belongs to that obnoxious red nephew of mine!

Opie: Aunt Bea!

Aunt Bea: Opie! [Opie and Aunt Bea hug] What the hell are you doing here? We heard you bought it in ‘Nam.

Opie: Oh no, that wasn’t me, Aunt Bea. That was The Beaver. Nah, I spent three years in a rat cage in Kwang Tree. Three years dreamin’ o’ orange pop, fishin’ and apple pie. What happened to this town, Aunt Bea?

Aunt Bea: Well, times change, runt. Your damn father didn’t leave much for me to live on, so I rounded up Thelma Lou and a couple of the girls and I started a local business. Well, turns out people were tired of havin’ to drive up to Mount Pilot every time they wanted to get some tail.

Opie: Aunt Bea, that’s disgusting! And Floyd, Floyd, what’s happened to you? You’re…what, you’re…

Floyd: I’m black, genius. Always been black, Opie. Always, oh, for years I was black. Black, oh, for ten years. Your pa used to know about it. He used to make me walk around Mayberry wearin’ whiteface. Your pa knew about it. You know, you should live up to it. You’re getting your hair cut by a Negro, boy. If I had my way, I would cut your throat. I woulda. Yeah.

Opie: That’s enough, Floyd! Now all of you, listen up! I don’t care if times have changed. This town’s goin’ back to the way it was, even if I have to scrape every last bit of scum off the sidewalks with my own hands. We might as well start with this place, too. Look at this! That’s awful! [Begins ripping the adult merchandise off the wall]

Floyd: Hey, that’s not necessary to pull that down.

Aunt Bea: Opie. Opie!

Floyd: [as Opie rips another item off the wall] Hey, oh, that’s my favorite.

[Deputy Barney Fife and Gomer Pyle enter. Barney has his gun drawn]

Barney: Hold it right there, Ope! Gomer, take his gun.

Gomer: Hey there, Opie!

Opie: Gomer?

Gomer: [Takes Opie’s gun] You get your hands on the counter there. Put your feet back and spread ’em. I’m gonna search ya, Opie. [Gomer gives Opie a pat-down search] Well, gawww-lee! You sure got a hard body, Opie! He’s clean, Barn.

Opie: Barney!

Barney: That’s right, Ope. Nice to see ya again. [Walks over to Floyd] Floyd, youse late on your payments.

Floyd: Oh, sorry ’bout that, Barney.

Opie: Barney! What the heck is goin’ on here?

Barney: Well, Mayberry’s grown up! Oh, and I see that you have, too! You know, I could use a good man like yourself to make collections.

Aunt Bea: Ooo, the girls would just love to see some new blood around the house! They’d just gobble up a young stud like you!

Gomer: Hey, Ope! If y’all come up to the garage, I’ll show you my dipstick!

Barney: Look, Ope. [Takes a bullet from his pocket and loads it into his gun] Either you accept Mayberry right now or I’m gonna have to waste you. [Points gun at Opie]

Opie: [walks over to window] Oh, I sure wish Pa was here. He’d know what to do.

[Andy’s head appears in the upper-left corner of the screen]

Andy: What’s the matter, Ope? You got a problem?

Opie: Pa! Pa, is that you? I need your help. I came back to clean up Mayberry, but I can’t. They took my gun!

Andy: Aw, a gun never solved anything. I never carried one. You wanna get people over to your side, [winks] do what I did! Talk to ’em, reason with ’em. And if that doesn’t work, ball up your fists and hit ’em upside the head! [grins] How do you think I kept Aunt Bea in line?

Opie: [Wipes a tear from his eye] Thanks, Pa! [Andy’s image disappears. Opie walks over to Barney] Gimme that gun, Barney.

Barney: I don’t think so.

Opie: BARNEY!

Barney: Here ya go. [He hands Opie the gun]

Opie: [to Floyd] Otis, within the next 24 hours, the sexiest thing I wanna see in this shop had better be a bottle of Old Spice. You got it?

Floyd: I got it, Ope, and I’m Floyd.

Opie: [realizing his mistake] I told you I couldn’t recognize you! [Pats Otis on the chest] Hey, Otis! [Otis burps. Opie walks over to Aunt Bea] Now, Aunt Bea, I want you to get yourself back in that little kitchen, and I want you to bake me the biggest….

Aunt Bea: Oh, drop dead! I don’t remember the recipe!

Opie: [raising his hand to hit Aunt Bea] You better remember it, Aunt Bea!

Barney: That’s right, you better remember it!

Opie: [grabs Gomer] Now, Gomer, you get yourself back in that closet, or you get outta town!

Gomer: Shaaa-ZAM!

Opie: I’m gonna make Mayberry what it once was: wholesome, virtuous! I know it’s a big job, but America’s gotta have somethin’ to believe in. [To the audience] Come one, everybody! You all remember it! [Begins whistling the “Andy Griffith Show” theme along with the recording]

[fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Velvet Jones

Velvet Jones…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on oil painting of black couple in an embrace ]

Velvet Jones V/O: Who among us has not dreamed of faraway places and intertwined lovers?

[ dissolve to Velvet Jones standing in front of a stack of paperbacks ]

Velvet Jones: Hi, I’m Velvet Jones. And if you love love as much as I do, I know you will want to buy my latest Velvet Jones Harlequin romance books. There are many exquisite titles to choose from, such as.. [ holds up book titled Velvet Love ] ..Velvet Love. Listen:

[ romantic music plays in the background, as Velvet reads a passage from Velvet Love ]

“When she touched her lips to the glass, Lawanda’s heart beat inside her. I knew from that very first moment that the three dollars I had spent on wine would not go to waste.”

[ puts down book, romantic music stops ]

Wasn’t that romantic? But wait, there’s more. Allow me to read from one of my personal favorites:

[ romantic music starts again, Velvet reads from book entitled A Touch of Velvet ]

“I saw her standing at the gates of the Lincoln Tunnel. Dare I approach her? My heart pounded inside my chest. I felt a burning in my loins I had never felt before. Thus, I realized I had been.. [ puts down book and picks up another one, entitled Kicked in the Butt by Love ] ..Kicked in the Butt by Love.

[ romantic music stops ]

Yes, endless evenings of romance can all be yours, if you order now.

Announcer: [ reading directions on screen ] Rush $5.95 to Velvet Jones, Brooklyn, New York.

Velvet Jones: Who wrote the book of love? Velvet. It’s as simple as that.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

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  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

The Whiners

Doctor…..Ron Howard
Doug Whiner…..Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner…..Robin Duke

[ open in Doctor’s office, Doug & Wendy Whiner seated in front of his desk ]

Doctor: Well.. I’ve gone over all your test results, and, frankly, I can’t find anything physically wrong with you..

Whiners: [ whining profusely ] Then why can’t we have a babyyy?

Doctor: Well, uh.. Mr. & Mrs. Whiner.. it seems to me that the problem just couyld be psychological. Is there anything bothering either one of you?

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh.. my di-ver-tic-u-lit-isss!

Wendy Whiner: My hi-a-tus hern-i-aaaaa..!

Doctor: Well, no, no, no.. I mean, are you under any kind of stress?

Doug Whiner: Well, Wendy’s mom is stay-ing with usss..

Wendy Whiner: Doug lost his jo-o-obb..

Doug Whiner: Our a-part-ment was ro-obbeddd..

Wendy Whiner: And I don’t feel a-ttract-ive!

Doug Whiner: Oh, Wen-dy, you’re beau-ti-fulll.. [ hugs her ]

Wendy Whiner: But I can’t have a ba-byyy!

Doctor: Mr. & Mrs. Whiner, you two are obviously both under a great deal of strain, from what you’ve just told me. It’s a strain just to listen to it. But, frankly, this happens time and time again to couples. you’re just trying too hard to have a baby. In these instances, I recommend that you adopt.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] A-dopttt?! But we want our own ba-byyy!!

Doctor: Please. Please just let me finiish. Very often, once the adoption procedure begins, why then a couple relaxes, and bang, they’re pregnant!

Doug Whiner: But it’s so much both-errr!

Wendy Whiner: And it would-n’t be a real Whine-rrr!

Doug Whiner: I’m the last of the Whine-rsss! Doc-tor, my genes must live onnn..

Wendy Whiner: Is-n’t there some-thing you can do-o-o? I want to be a moth-errr!

Doug Whiner: And I want to be a fath-errrr!

Whiners: We want to be par-entsss!!

Doctor: Alright, alright! Just shut up! I’m very sorry that I lost my temper, but if you would only listen to me. There is another alternative. Artificial insemination.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] Art-i-fic-ial in-sem-in-at-ionnnn??!!

Doctor: Would you please just let me finish what I was telling you about..?

Doug Whiner: I don’t knowww.. artificial inseminationnn..?

Wendy Whiner: Ohhh, no-o-o, no-o-o..!

Doctor: [ sticks his fingers in his ears ] We take Doug’s sperm, insert in an egg from Wendy, plant it in a surrogate mother, and, BOOM, you got a Whiner! [ happy, the Whiners kiss ] Look, look.. [ grabs some brochures ] Here’s all the literature, the address of the clinic, the phone number.. please, please, go, go!

Doug Whiner: It looks gre-at! I feel like a man a-gainn!

Wendy Whiner: And I won’t get fa-att!

Doug Whiner: Thank you, Doc-torr!

Doctor: You’re very, very welcome. Here’s the door. [ opens door ]

Whiners: We’re gon-na have a bab-byyy!!

Wendy Whiner: Will you de-liv-er itt?

Doctor: No! Uh.. I mean.. I’m giving up my practice and, uh.. moving! I’m moving to.. Puerto Rico! I’m going to Puerto Rico!

Doug Whiner: Can we vis-it you with the ba-byyy?

Doctor: No! [ thinking ] They don’t allow babies in Puerto Rico! I’m sorry! It’s a law. [ closes door ]

Whiners: [ open the door back up ] Can we name it af-ter you-ou-ou??

[ the Doctor slumps in his chair as the crowd around him again ]

[ fade out ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 23rd, 1982

Howard Hesseman

Men at Work

Bill Irwin

Susan Saint James

Joe Dicso

Milan Melvin
Killing TimeSummary: Robin Duke stalls for time while walking the halls of Studio 8-H in search of late arrival Howard Hesseman.

Montage

Howard Hesseman’s MonologueAlso Hosted: 79f, 82m.

The Girls of Saturday Night LiveSummary: Robin Duke, Mary Gross and Julia Louis-Dreyfus pose for a Playboy photo spread.

The DeLorean Home

Good Morning AmericaTranscript

Men At Work performs “Who Can It Be Now”Also Performed: 83c.

Dad, I’m Straight

Marvin in the CaribbeanRecurring Characters: Marvin, Celeste.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Naked Corpse Funeral

Bill Irwin

Uncle Teddy’s Little Theatre

Men At Work performs “Down Under”

The Amazing Ronco Answer Book

Goodnights

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 4

82d: Howard Hesseman / Men At Work

Good Morning America

Steve Bell…..Gary Kroeger
David Hartman…..Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on the “Good Morning America” logo while the theme music plays for several seconds. FADE to Joe Piscopo as host David Hartman. He stares into the camera, with his mouth open slightly, and speaks in a really dopey voice.]

David Hartman: Good morning, good morning, ummmm… Thank you for tuning IN, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… duhhhhhhh, I’m David Hartman, ummmmmm, uhhhhh, good morning, uhhhhhhhhhhhh…

[PAN back to show a female mannequin with blonde hair and a black dress in the chair next to David.]

David Hartman: It’s nice to be here, nice to have you with us, um, uh, this is Joan Lunden, uhhhhhhhhhhh… ummmmmmmmm, Joan, you look great, I don’t know how you do it, uhhh, you just look terrific as usual, uhhhhhhhh…

[David tugs on the mannequin’s dress sleeve and turns back to camera]

David Hartman: You know, ummmmm, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, SO much has happened, uh, while you were asleep. Right now, let’s go to Steve Bell in Washington for the news. [turns to TV monitor] Uh, good morning, Steve!

Steve Bell: Good morning, David.

David Hartman: Good morning!

Steve Bell: Tell Joan good morning, David.

David Hartman: [to mannequin] Good morning, Joan! [to TV] She says good morning, Steve.

Steve Bell: Good morning, David.

David Hartman: Good morning!

Steve Bell: That’s it from Washington, David.

David Hartman: Well, um, uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, thank you, Steve Bell!

Steve Bell: Good morning, David.

David Hartman: Good morning, Steve!

Steve Bell: Good morning, Joan!

David Hartman: [to mannqeuin] Good morning, Joan! [to TV] Good morning, Steve.

Steve Bell: Good morning, David.

David Hartman: [to camera] Good morning! It’s ten past the hour. Ummmmm, uhhhhh, you know, I used to be an actor, and uhhh, I don’t usually do this, but because… [shrugs and slaps knees] …mmmmmm, well–so many people went to so much trouble. Someone dug up an old film clip of one of my early movies, and, uh, we thought it’d be funny if we showed you that clip right now!

[David gapes at camera with a dopey look, and then CUT to a clip of Bullwinkle the moose doing a “Mr. Know-It-All” bit from the old “Rocky and Bullwinkle” show. Bullwinkle talks about “How to Tame Lions” for several seconds, and then CUT back to Joe in the studio.]

David Hartman: Awwww, I haven’t changed that much, have I? [“GMA” theme music rises] I thought I looked pretty darn good, I, uh, really did. Now, uh, I want you to get out there and uh, make it a safe, and you know, uh, go out there and make it a good day, a good day. Good morning, good morning.

Steve Bell: [on TV] Good morning, David!

David Hartman: [to TV] Good morning, Steve!

Steve Bell: Good morning!

David Hartman: Good morning!

[FADE to “GMA” logo as audience applauds.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

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