Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


October 9, 1982

Ron Howard

The Clash

Harry Anderson

Andy Griffith

Rex Reed
Bureau of Weights & MeasuresSummary: The Bureau of Weights & Measures recommends that viewers watch “Saturday Night Live” while holding their TVs in their laps.

Note: This piece did not air in repeats of the episode.

Montage

Ron Howard’s MonologueSummary: Feeling repressed by his prime-time performances in “THe Andy Griffith Show” and “Happy Days”, Ron Howard welcomes his moment on late night television by tossing out taboo words and drinking a Budweiser on the air.

Transcript

Opie’s BackSummary: In the years following Sheriff Andy Taylor’s death, the sterile landscape of Mayberry has turned into a seedy town filled with prostitute rings and strip joints. That is, until little Opie Taylor (Ron Howard) returns from the Vietnam War with a vow to clean Mayberry of its filth. Denizens like Aunt Bea (Robin Duke) and a homosexual Goober (Brad Hall) are resistent, but Opie manages to make things right with a little helpful advice summoned up from Pa (Andy Griffith).

Gaffe: Eddie Murphy plays Floyd the barber as a black man. When Ron Howard accidentally calls him Otis, he rebounds by stating, “I told you I didn’t recognize you!”

Transcript

Velvet JonesSummary: Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) introduces his series of harlequin romance novels.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.

Transcript

The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) tell their doctor (Ron Howard) that they want to have a baby.

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Transcript

Harry AndersonSummary: Comedy-magician Harry Anderson performs an illusion that makes it appear as though he’s shoved a hat pin through his arm, but even he is surprised by the sight of fake blood gushing from the puncture holes.

Transcript

In Search of..Summary: Leonard Nimoy (Joe Piscopo) ponders the appearance of Francis The Talking Mule throughout human history, while overlooking the Vulcan growth of his ears.

Focus on FilmSummary: Ron Howard is anxious to discuss the upcoming film he’s directed, but host Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) would rather discuss “Opie Cunningham.”

Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

Transcript

Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Mary Gross lists people she thinks shouldn’t have jobs. Brad Hall covers before-and-after photos of celebrities who have had plastic surgery. Brad Hall apologizes for calling James Watt a “slime” on the season premiere, then punches his photo. Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) puts his perspective on the situation in the Middle East.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.

Transcript

The Clash perform “Straight To Hell”

Carter’s FlashbackSummary: While discussing his memoirs with a Time Magazine reporter (Gary Kroeger), former presidnt Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) recalls his meeting with a bored, distracted Ronald Reagan (voice of Joe Piscopo) during his final days in the Oval Office.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay.

Note: Repeat from: 03/27/82.

Sylvester School of Speech TherapySummary: An IRS agent (Tim Kazurinsky) suspects the speech therapy school for extreme stutterers may be a fraud.

Why A HookerSummary: When a john (Ron Howard) asks a hooker (Robin Duke) why she chose her profession, she and her associates provide a long list of cliched reasons.

The Clash perform “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”

Nukes Are For KooksSummary: Shopkeepers (Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) carry personal nuclear warheads to deter crime, but it doesn’t stop a thief (Joe Piscopo) from raiding the cash register.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Carter’s Flashback

Reporter…..Gary Kroeger
Jimmy Carter…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Voice of Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on former President Jimmy Carter sitting comfortably next to a reporter from Time Magazine during an interview ]

Reporter: First of all, President Carter, I think I speak for everyone at Time Magazine when I say that we’re proud to be publishing the excerpts of your memoirs.

Jimmy Carter: Well, you’re very kind, Chris, thank you. And thank you for leaving out that picture of me fighting off that crazed rabbit with a boat paddle!

Reporter: [ laughs politely ]

Jimmy Carter: You know, there are a few things I would like to forget, however: the rabbit, Billy, the Ayatollah, my mother.

Reporter: Let’s talk about your dealings with President Reagan.

Jimmy Carter: I’d rather talk about the rabbit. [ smiles ]

Reporter: [ again laughs politely ]

Jimmy Carter: Actually, it was during a period of transition. Just before I left the White House, I invited Mr. Reagan to the Oval Office. Uh, honestly, I was going to brief him on matters of extreme importance. I was very disturbed at his lack of interest —

[ the screen ripples into the past, into a point-of-view shot of Ronald Reagan walking down the hall outside the Oval Office, where he’s greeted by a Secretary as he hums “Hail to the Chief” ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Hi, I’m Ron Reagan! I’m moving in pretty soon. President Carter asked me to drop by.

Secretary: [ happily ] Oh! Yes, of course, Mr. Reagan. Please come with me.

[ she stands and leads the way into the Oval Office ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Ohh, is this where Jimmy works?

Secretary: Oh, yes sir, this is the Oval Office! Please take a seat. [ Reagan sits facing Carter’s desk ] Um, President Carter will be with you in just one moment. Will there be anything else?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes. You’re fired! Ha ha ha! I’m just kidding.

[ the Secretary smiles politely, then exits the Oval Office ]

[ Reagan’s point-of-view shot glances around the room ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Gee.. the Oval Office. I wonder why they call it that? [ continues to hum “Hail to the Chief” as he begins to move about the Oval Office ] Oh, that’s a nice tune. Oh, gee, when they swear me in, maybe I’ll get Sammy Kahn to write some special lyrics. [ wanders to the back of Carter’s desk ] Gee, the President’s desk. Well, may as well get a feel for it. [ sits at Carter’s desk ] Let’s see, uh, let me say something presidential. Uh.. shut up! [ his hand points toward the door ] Yeah, that’s good! “Shut up.” [ his hand reaches down and pulls open a desk drawer, revealing peanut shells covering doctored photo of Billy Carter; Reagan holds it up , then drops it on the desk and pulls out an issue of Playboy Magazine ] I wonder who the Playmate is? [ opens the magazine to the page featuring an interview with President Carter ]

[ President Carter enters the Oval Office ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh. Uh, hi, Jimmy!

Jimmy Carter: Looking for something?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Just trying it out for size.

Jimmy Carter: Ron, for the next few days, would you mind very much if I sat there?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh, uh, not at all, Jimmy! Knock yourself out!

[ they switch sides at the desk ]

Jimmy Carter: Thank you, thank you very much. [ places his briefcase across the desk ] Ron, now – I-I invited you here to brief you on matters of supreme importance. [ Ron’s hand enters the frame in a posed position, as Ron admires his manicure ] Uh, Ron?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, Jimmy?

Jimmy Carter: I-I was saying – concerning the issue of human rights, I’m sure you’ll want to continue the policy of opposing dictatorial regimes throughout — [ Ron now begins to trim his fingernails with a clipper ] Ron, am I – am I boring you?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh, no. no, no. I-I-I’m all ears.

Jimmy Carter: With regard to our domestic problem, we must never advocate our responsibilty to the nation’s poor.. the elderly.. the disadvantaged — [ Ron holds up a handkerchief in front of the camera; as it disappears from view, we can hear Ron blowing his nose ] Ron, now that you have attended to your personal hygeine, let’s try to ocncentrate for a moment on the SALT negotiations. Of all the overwhelming problems faced by — [ Ron’s hands enters frame and begins to caress Carter’s briefcase ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh – nice briefcase.

Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you, thank you very much, Ron. But, uh, no problem is mroe urgent than finding a way to curb the dangerous and expensive buildup of nuclear — [ Ron opens Csrter’s briefcase with both hands, revealing a beeping triggering device inside labeled “Warning: Triggering Device Activated” ]

Voice of Ronald Reagan: [ holds his hand over the trigger button ] What’s the button for?

Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch that, Ron. [ smiles ] I see we have got a lot of work to do. [ closes and locks the briefcase ] Uh.. perhaps there is something that you would like to ask of me?

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, uh, Jim – can you do this? [ holds his hands together and twiddles his thumbs around one another ]

Jimmy Carter: [ grabs the briefcase and pulls it away ] No, I can’t, Ron.

Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh.. how about this one? [ touches his fingers together, then moves them in a climbing motion and sings: ] “The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout..”

Jimmy Carter: [ Carter looks on, dubmfounded, as a side camera pulls out to reveal the cameraman and stagehand kneeling in front of the desk ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Focus On Film

Raheem Abdul Mohammed…Eddie Murphy
…Ron Howard

[Open on “FOCUS ON FILM” graphic. Dissolve to close-up of Raheem Abdul Mohammed on a set decorated with movie posters]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Welcome to “Focus on Film.” I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed, and I’m very happy to have as a very special guest on my show tonight, Mr. Opie Cunningham himself, Ron Howard.

[Applause. Camera zooms out to a two-shot of Raheem and Ron]

Ron Howard: Thank you. Well. Hello, Raheem, it’s good to be here.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: It’s good to have you here, man. Look, tell me somethin’. What was it like workin’ on the “Andy Griffith Show”?

Ron Howard: Well, I tell you those were great years, but I’d really rather talk about my directing career right now.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: [interrupting] Yeah. But, look look look. Listen, man, tell me somethin’. How did the Fonz, right, every time he beat on the jukebox, how’d he make it come on all the time? And was you, um, Andy Taylor’s son or was you Howard Cunningham’s son?

Ron Howard: Look, look, Raheem, I’m not Opie Taylor and I’m not Richie Cunningham. I’m Ron Howard, I’m a grown man. You know I’m directing now? Did you see the new movie I have out, “Night Shift”?

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Was there any black people in it?

Ron Howard: No.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: I didn’t see it, then. What was it about?

Ron Howard: Oh, well, it was, uh, the story about these two pimps.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: It’s the story about two pimps and wasn’t no brothers in it? I don’t know whether to say “Thank you” or punch you in your mouth, man.

Ron Howard: Well, the next film that I’m going to be directing…

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Yeah, but look look look, man, nobody cares about the movies you’re directing. To us and to me, you’re always gonna be little Opie, you know that?

Ron Howard: Well, thank you. That’s nice, but I’m a grown man now, you know, and I have a wife, I have a mustache, beautiful baby daughter.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You got a daughter?

Ron Howard: Yeah. Oh yeah.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Wow, man. I just can’t picture little Opie Cunningham doin’ it. I can’t picture nobody wantin’ to do it with little Opie Cunningham neither.

Ron Howard: Well actually, Raheem, I’ve done it a lot of times.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: [grinning] Wow, Opie Cunningham, a sex machine. You know, if you didn’t shave that–if you shave that mustache off your face, you would still look exactly like Opie Cunningham. That’s why you grew it, right? ‘Cause people walk up to you on the street and say “Hey, Opie Cunningham,” right?

Ron Howard: All right. Let’s talk about…

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: No no, let’s talk about — Look, I know, speakin’ for me, Raheem, and for the rest of the people in the country, we would love to see our little Opie, I want my little Opie, I love Opie, I love him. And I know I would love to have my little Opie Cunningham back. I know the rest of the people out here agree with me right? Let’s get it! Opie Cunningham! Opie Cunningham, come on! Opie Cunningham!… [audience joins him in chanting “Opie Cunningham!”]

[Raheem pulls out an electric razor and tries to shave off Ron Howard’s mustache]

Ron Howard: [Protests and takes razor from Raheem] Hey, knock that off! Hey, come on, I’m not Opie Cunningham. I’m Ron Howard, you understand? Ron Howard! I’m not the person you watch on television. And I’m not cutting off my mustache for you, the public, or anybody else, you understand, because I like it. Me, Ron Howard, the director. Not Opie Taylor, not Richie Cunningham. And I have just one more thing to say to you, Raheem: Sit on it, bucko! [Removes his wireless microphone and exits]

[Zoom back to close-up of Raheem]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: [angrily] Well, ladies and gentlemen, I see the truth finally comes out, huh? Opie Cunningham is a selfish bastard! [Yelling offstage] Hey, what do “bucko” mean? What?! [To camera] I’m gon’ kill him! I’m Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

[Title graphic reappears. Applause and fade]

Submitted by: John Ravetti

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3

82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

Goodnights

…..Ron Howard

[ open on Ron Howard holding two handfuls of helium balloons as the cast and The Clash surround him ]

Ron Howard: Thank you, we had a great time! Thank you very much! To the Winklers! And Stacy — !

[ everyone begins to jump to pop the helium balloons ]

[ Ron Howard lets go of what’s left of the helium balloons, as they float up into the rafters ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Empty Garden (Hey, Hey Johnny)”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base wearing a tuxedo suit and shirt with a bow tie. Nigel Olsson’s band can be seen behind him.]

Johnny Cash: [smiling] And now it’s my pleasure to introduce our special musical guest: Elton John!!

[Cash gestures smoothly to his right toward Elton at the piano as the crowd cheers wildly. Elton is bedecked in a subtle neon blue jacket with a dark pink shirt underneath, and a black gaucho hat on his head. Johnny Cash bows formally to him, and Elton starts into “Empty Garden” alone on vocals and piano.]

Elton John: [ singing]
“What happened here,
As the New York sunset disappeared?
I found an empty garden
Among the flagstones there.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now it all looks strange.
It’s funny how one insect
Can damage so much grain.

And what’s it for,
This little empty garden
By the brownstone door?
And in the cracks along the sidewalk,
Nothing grows no more.

Who lived here?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And they are so amazed.
We’re crippled and we’re dazed.
A gardener like that one,
No one can replace.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And through their tears,
Some say he farmed his best in younger years,
But he’d have said that roots grow stronger
If only he could hear.

Who lived there?
He must’ve been a gardener that cared a lot,
Who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop.

And now we pray for rain.
And with every drop that falls,
We hear, we hear your name.

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play?”

And I’ve been knockin’,
But no one answers,
And I’ve been knockin’
Most of the day.

Oh, and I’ve been callin’,
“Oh, hey, hey, Johnny,
Can’t you come out,
Can’t you come out to play?

Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?”

[Elton and the Nigel Olsson band repeat the ending several times, then play an instrumental for several bars. Finally they quiet to just vocals and Elton on piano.]

In your empty garden?
“Johnny,
Can’t you come out to play
In your empty garden?””

[Wild applause from the audience once the song is finished. Elton gives his overbite grin and mouths “Thank you” over the cheers. One audience member is heard repeatedly yelling, “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” through the applause. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Elton John performs “Ball and Chain”

…..Johnny Cash
…..Elton John

[FADE IN on Johnny Cash at home base, where he stands bedecked in classic Elton John attire: a huge gold robe, a pink feather boa reaching to the floor, blinding gold chains on his chest, and outsized glasses with pink feathers sticking out of the lenses. Audience hoots in approval.]

Johnny Cash: [grinning and waving his arms] Workin’ with our special guest… [applause] Working with our special guest has been a big thrill for me. He’s a wonderful entertainer, and you can’t work with a guy like Elton John without having his showmanship and flash rub off on ya–so… Elton, I hope ya don’t mind, but I took the liberty of, uh, borrowin’ these threads, and ladies and gentlemen… once again… Elton John.

[Cash gestures to his left. FADE to Elton at his piano with the band behind him. The drummer hits it a second or two later.]

Elton John: [ singing ]
“I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say,
Do-do-do-do-doo
Do-do-do-do
Do-do do-do, yeah.

Do-do-do-do-do
Do-do-do-do
Do-do do-do.

You had to tie me down,
Oh, inside a cage of doubt.
I’m sick of bein’ kicked around,
So this is where I get out.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…
[repeat]

Oooooooh-wee, baby,
You tried to hold me
But you were slowly
Drivin’ me insane.

Oooooooh-wee, baby.

[changes keys]

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And you were the one to blame
For tearin’ my world apart.

I got a heart so true,
You got a heart of ice.
A little more love from you,
It could’ve been paradise.

[changes back to original key]

I couldn’t take the pain,
You couldn’t take my love,
So I’m gonna quit this game,
‘Cause, baby, I’ve had enough.

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
And if it’s all the same,
Maybe we should part.

And I say, Do-do-do-do-do…
[repeat]

I got a ball and chain,
Hangin’ around my heart,
(Around my heart)…

[Repeat the refrain and chorus twice, and then the band kicks into the finish.]

Ball and chain…
Ball and chain…

And I’m sayin, Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo…”

[They repeat the chorus once more, and then the song ends. Audience cheers heartily as Elton leaps from the piano bench, kicks up his heels, and stands proudly with his band.]

Audience Member: OHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Elton shakes his left earlobe, a la Carol Burnett, and acknowledges the cheers. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Reagan Directs

Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
Mike Kramer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Edwin Meese…..Tony Rosato
Secretary…..Christine Ebersole
Margaret Thatcher…..Mary Gross
General Leopoldo Galtieri…..Brian Doyle-Murray

[FADE IN on a slide of the White House as “Hail to the Chief” plays. FADE to Reagan from a first-person perspective at the Oval Office desk, where he is holding a map of the Western Hemisphere before him. A man’s hand is pointing at the Caribbean.]

Voice: And if you follow this plan, Mr. President, we’ll be in the Caribbean by June.

Reagan: Well, sounds like a good strategy, young fella!

[ENTER Edwin Meese from the right.]

Meese: Hi, Ron. What’re you planning here, Ron, what’s going on?

Reagan: Oh, hi, Ed!

Meese: [indicates Kramer] Uh, who’s this guy, Ron?

Reagan: This is Mike Kramer: my travel agent!

Kramer: [extends hand] Pleased to meet you, Mr. Meese.

Meese: [shakes hand politely] Nice to meet you, sir.

Reagan: We were just mapping out my next working vacation. Hey, Ed, how does Aruba sound to you?

Meese: It’s great, Ron, wherever. [to Kramer] Look, uh, excuse me, uh, would you excuse us just for a second, please? [gestures to door] Thank you.

Kramer: Oh, sure.

[Kramer smiles tightly and hastily leaves.]

Reagan: Uh, uh, uh, Mike, don’t forget: twin beds.

[Kramer waves shortly and beats it.]

Meese: So, Ronnie, did you have a good time in the Barbados, huh?

Reagan: Oh, just swell! Anything happen while I was gone, Ed?

Meese: Well, nothing that concerns you, Ron, huh? [smiles contemptuously]

Reagan: Ed, uh, didn’t anyone call me?

Meese: No. [glances around anxiously] Look, Ron, I have some, uh, some important meetings to take place in your office, and, uh, I need it right now, okay? So, uh, I’m gonna have some people come in, and I want you to take off that RIDICULOUS Don Ho shirt–[reaches for Reagan’s head]–and I want you to take off this SNORKEL!

[Meese yanks a blue rubber snorkel off the President’s head.]

Meese: Vacation’s over, Ron!

[He stalks out irritably. Reagan watches him leave, then his eyes turn back toward the fireplace in the center.]

Reagan: [clears throat] “Day-o… day-o…”

[Two maracas stick out in his hands, and he stands up and walks toward a mirror with them.]

Reagan: [singing] “Daylight come, and me wanna go home. Day-o… day-o…”

[Reagan steps in front of the mirror and examines himself. Joe Piscopo as Reagan appears in the mirror, where he wears a loud tropical shirt and holds out his maracas.]

Reagan: Gee! What a terrific tan! This’ll look great on TV.

[He steps away from the mirror but then moves back toward it.]

Reagan: Maybe I ought to call a press conference!

[A buzzer goes off, and Reagan wanders back toward his desk and presses down the bar on the front of the buzzer.]

Secretary: [over speaker] Have you seen Mr. Meese?

Reagan: Ah, you just missed him!

Secretary: Oh, FOO. I have some people here waiting to see him! Would you mind entertaining them until he gets back?

Reagan: I’d be GLAD to!

[He releases the bar and looks toward the door. A moment later, the secretary steps in.]

Secretary: [gestures out door] Uh, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher and President Leopoldo Galtieri of Argentina.

[Thatcher and Galtieri stride in, she in a prim business suit, while he wears a military uniform and puffs on a cigar.]

Reagan: Oh, hey, well–come on in! Come on in, make yourself at home! Margaret, Leo, sit down! Sit down.

[They stiffly sit in chairs opposite the desk.]

Reagan: So! What’s new?

[laughter]

Thatcher: Ron, as you may or may NOT have heard, uh, the Argentines have gone and seized our Balklands, or Falklands.

Galtieri: The Malvinas. We have only taken what was always ours.

[Thatcher stands and approaches the desk.]

Thatcher: Mr. President, as you closest Western ally, I must INSIST… [softly pounds desk] …on you unqualified support.

Galtieri: [approaches desk] Mr. President, may I remind you that our mutual defense pact compels you to defend us!

Reagan: Gee, uh, I like you BOTH. Uh, gosh, this is a tough one. Uh… y’know, I’ve been a major movie star, and, uh, I’ve been a cowboy with my own horse, uh, I’ve been a president, uh, but what I’ve always wanted to do is DIRECT. [holds out palms] Now, General: imagine you’re all alone on a lush tropical island, you know, like the one in “The Blue Lagoon.”

[Reagan peers down on his desk and turns on a tape recorder. Hawaiian guitar music starts playing.]

Reagan: Yeah, uh, uh, the scent of orchids fires your Latin blood. Then you suddenly see her. The waves lapping at her sarong. It’s Maggie!

[Thatcher self-consciously rubs her palms on her suit.]

Reagan: Now, you think you hate her, but you just can’t resist her. Kind of like Doris Day and Rock Hudson in “Pillow Talk.” All right, uh, General, now take her in your arms…

Galtieri: What is my motivation?

Reagan: A dozen–

[laughter]

Reagan: Your motivation is a dozen F-16 jet fighters.

Galtieri: I got it.

[He cradles his arm around Thatcher’s shoulders. She reluctantly squeezes his waist.]

Reagan: Okay. Okay, kids, now, have fun with it. Action! Leo, embrace her, now, don’t FIGHT it, c’mon, Maggie, you want it BAD. That’s right! That’s right! Now, your lips meet. Uh, no TONGUES. No tongues.

[The two leaders awkwardly touch their lips together.]

Reagan: Now that–good, good. That’s great.

[Edwin Meese bursts in with folders in his hand.]

Meese: OKAY! CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! RON, I said “cut.” [to others] All right, that’s a take, everybody, nice work. Mrs. Thatcher, would you excuse us? General, nice work out there. [motions for them to leave] Good motivation out there, too.

[they exit]

Reagan: Gee, uh, uh, Ed?

Meese: Yah.

Reagan: You never mentioned the Falkland Islands to ME. Do they have snorkeling down there?

Meese: Yeah, look, Ron, why don’t you just read it up for yourself, okay? [pats folders] There you go. I’ll see you later. [exits]

[Reagan examines an 8×10 black-and-white glossy of a closely packed herd of sheep.]

Reagan: All right. Oh, look at all the sheep they’ve got down there. Boy, that’s a lotta sheep. [starts counting them] One, two, three… [yawns] Four…

[He almost falls asleep and drops the picture.]

Reagan: Five, five… six… [nodding off] Seven…

[A black screen wipes down from the top and covers up the shot.]

Reagan: [faintly] Eight…

[applause]

Submitted by: Sean

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  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

Tegrim Shampoo

Roommate…..Christine Ebersole
Kathy…..Robin Duke
…..Johnny Cash

[FADE IN on a blonde woman walking up to an open door.]

Roommate: [through door] Kathy, it’s almost time for the party!

Kathy: [whining] Ohhhhhhhhhhhh…

[Kathy walks out of the room in a blue dress slip.]

Kathy: I don’t know WHAT to WEAR! What about my new cocktail dress?

Roommate: [doubtfully] You mean the black one?

Kathy: Uh-huh!

Roommate: Maybe you better not.

Kathy: Why not?

Rooomate: [puts an arm around her shoulders] Kathy, have you ever thought about problem dandruff? Maybe you need Tegrim.

Kathy: ME? I don’t have dandruff!

Roommate: Well, here. Let’s take the test.

[CUT to the living room, where Johnny Cash is sitting on a sofa, his arms propped up nonchalantly on the back. Kathy and her friend walk up behind him as the audience laughs.]

Roommate: Shake your hair over Johnny Cash.

[Kathy shrugs.]

Roommate: Go ahead.

[Kathy shakes her hair down on Johnny’s right shoulder. Audience laughs as he brushes off his shoulder and she stares at his suit in disbelief.]

Kathy: Ohhh! You’re right! I DO have problem DANDRUFF!

[Johnny continues brushing off his arm and the rest of his black suit. Kathy and her roommate lean down over his shoulders.]

Roommate: [to camera] Can YOUR hair pass the Tegrim test? Shake YOUR head over Johnny Cash. If it shows up on the man in black:

Kathy and Roommate: Time for Tegrim.

[SUPERIMPOSE those words over bottom of screen. Both women smile sweetly as Johnny finishes dusting off Kathy’s dandruff and stares expressionless into the camera. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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  Season 7: Episode 17

81q: Johnny Cash / Elton John

The Train Poet

Passenger…..Brian Doyle-Murray
Poet…..Johnny Cash
Conductor…..Tony Rosato

[FADE IN on an Amtrak commuter train pulling away from a platform. FADE to inside the train, where a passenger enters a crowded car as video of passing cityscapes zooms by in the windows. Wearing a blue suit and carrying a briefcase, he makes his way up the aisle and presses his hand on an empty seat for balance. In the next seat, a man in a gray suit pats the empty seat cushion, and the passenger collapses with a sigh. The other man glances down at his newspaper while the blue-suited passenger checks his watch.]

Passenger: Excuse me, my watch stopped. Is this the 7:45?

Poet: [stares at him] This is the 7:58, the Direct Express. This is the finest train I’ve ever known.

[The passenger nods politely and opens his newspaper.]

Poet: [points to himself] I’m a man who LIKES the train. The romance of the railroad that opened up the plains. I love riding through the city with the pretty countryside outside, With captains of industry and general managers, executive officers, and their chief counsels. And the force that forces sales predicted by the prophets That generate the energy that turns the wheel that moves the train.

[points to himself and grins] And that moves ME.

I mean… twice a day.
All week long.
Listen to the wheels, my friend, Just pick up speed when we come around this bend.
The, the telephone poles get closer together.
And the train, and you, and I,
We all find the same rhythm.

[Again, the passenger only gives a curt nod and tries to concentrate on his newspaper.]

Poet: And the open spaces:
They become more suburban.
School buses, bicycles, greeting the day.
[leans toward him] All into the city, clickety-clack, clickety-clack.

[laughter]

Poet: Taller buildings by the track,
And the faces briefly seen,
Look back through the back windows of our lives.
We rock, and we ride together, you and I,
Neither here nor there,
Then under the tunnel, and under the streets,
And the final feet of iron,
[pounds chest] Where the heart beats.
People gather by the door,
And there’s a sense of expectation…

[The window footage suddenly turns to dark brick walls.]

Poet: And then you hear the words:

Conductor: [entering car] Grand Central Station! Grand Central Station… [The steward exits down the aisle as the other passengers stand up to detrain.]

Passenger: Yeah, well, uh… end of the line. Time to get off, time to go to work.

Poet: Well, I’m afraid not, my friend.
[points to himself] I’m a man who likes the train.

[soft Muzak rises]

Poet: I’ll take the train to Frisco,
Or up to Montreal.
I’ll take the train to Houston,
Or I’ll take it to Saint Paul.
But like my father told me
Just before he died,
If you take the train to work,
You won’t enjoy the ride.

[He nods and gestures to him.]

Poet: Have a nice day.

[Applause as the passenger briskly walks away to disembark and the poet starts off in the other direction. Instead of leaving, the poet merely sits down in the next seat and reopens his newspaper. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 18


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


April 24th, 1982

Robert Culp

Charlie Daniels Band

None

None

Neil Levy
I-SpyRecurring Characters: Billie Jean King, Bill Cosby

Montage

Middle Age of AquariusRecurring Characters: Mary Travers.

Party Girl

Charlie Daniels Band performs “Still in Saigon”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Uterus

James Brown is AnnieRecurring Characters: James Brown.

Sunken SubmarineSummary: Life goes on for the crew of the U.S.S. Cunningham, despite their having wrecked on the bottom of the ocean floor in 1963.

Babies in MakeupSummary: In a short film by Edward Bianchi, babies and toddlers are glammed up to the sounds of “Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)” by The Doors.

Note: Repeat from: 81i.

Happy’s Mayonnaise Palace

Charlie Daniels Band performs “The Devil Went Down to Georgia”

Goodnights

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