Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 22nd, 1982

Olivia Newton-John

Olivia Newton-John

Michael Davis

Graham Chapman

Akira Yoshimura

Andy Murphy
Ladies’ RestroomRecurring Characters: Paulette Clooney.

Montage

Olivia Newton-John performs “Physical”

TransEastern AirlinesNote: Repeat from 10/07/81.

Ebony & IvoryRecurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder.

Transcript

I Married A MonkeyRecurring Characters: Tim.

Hitler in HeavenRecurring Characters: Adolph Hitler, Rod Serling.

Not a Record AdSummary: Call now to order this exciting product that is not a record!

Transcript

Olivia Newton-John performs “Make a Move on Me”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Michael Davis

Business Talk

Grease

Sports Organ Classics

Olivia Newton-John performs “Landslide”

The ClamsNote: Repeat from 10/03/81.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Ebony & Ivory

Producer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo
Secretary…..Tony Rosato
Stevie Wonder…..Eddie Murphy

[ open on a Recording Studio ]

Producer: Everything’s ready. We’re all set to record, as soon as he gets here, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: [ turns around ] Good.. good.. good. Son, come here. Come here. [ grabs his shoulder ] How does the album sound so far?

Producer: Oh, it’s excellent, Mr. Sinatra.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, thank you, that’s very nice. I want to do some tunes that the young people will enjoy. That’s why I’m calling this album “Frank Sings Tunes the Young People Will Enjoy”.

Secretary: [ opens door and peeks in ] Uh.. excuse me, Mr. Sinatra, Sir? He’s here.

Frank Sinatra: Show him in.

[ Secretary pulls Stevie Wonder into the recording studio ]

Frank Sinatra: Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder! You are aptly named! Like I’ve said many times, you are truly a wonder!

Stevie Wonder: Thank you, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Let me ask you something: Do you do your own hair?

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. no, I don’t.

Frank Sinatra: Then you’ve got no excuse! Little joke, Stevie, it looks great. Come on over here to the piano. It’s right in front of you, my friend. [ Stevie sits ] You alright there?

Stevie Wonder: You know, Frank, I feel it is a.. tremendous honor to be.. recording with you.

Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Stevie. I feel the same. I am very much into that tune you do with the Beatle kid – uh, what’s his name? The one that looks like a broad?

Stevie Wonder: His name is Paul McCartney, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. that’s the dude. Uh.. would you be so kind as to run down that song for me, Stevie? Please?

Stevie Wonder: Alright. [ plays piano ] “Ebony and Ivory
live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my..”

Frank Sinatra: [ interrupting ] Stevie, Stevie.. hold it, Stevie. Now, something tells me that this is more than a song about playing the piano.

Stevie Wonder: Uh.. uh.. Frank, it’s about racial equality and unity of all people.

Frank Sinatra: Well, uh.. I don’t understand. When I think of Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.

Stevie Wonder: Ebony and Ivory are the black and white keys on the piano, Frank.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, Stevie, I know that. You know that. But it’s too artsy for the public – capiche? Now, I talekd to the master, Sammy Kahn. Now, Sammy is a marvelous, marvelous songwriter – no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. Sammy thinks we should go with something like Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, how about this: “Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don’t we take a bite?”

Stevie Wonder: I’m afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.

Frank Sinatra: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos think – they don’t buy records, huh? [ thinking ] Okay, Stevie.. let’s see.. Ebony and Ivory, huh? Ebony and Ivory.. [ stops ] Hey, Stevie, waht the hell are we beating around the bush for? This is 1982. Let’s get right to the point! Huh? Hey, take it from the top. Swing it, Stevie! With a bounce, baby! [ sits next to Stevie ]

[ Stevie starts the song again ]

Frank Sinatra: “You are black, and I am white
Life’s an Eskimo Pie, let’s.. take a bite!
That was groovy thinkin’
Lincoln, when you set them freeeeeee…

We all know
Cats are the same
Maine to Mexico.
Good. Bad.
Guys and chicks!”

Stevie Wonder: “I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

Stevie Wonder: “Ebony, ivory
Living in perfect harmony.”

Frank Sinatra: “Salt and pepper,
Sammy and Dean
Stevie and me are peachy keen!”

Stevie Wonder: “You are white.”

Frank Sinatra: “You are black – and who cares!”

Who cares, baby!

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 20

81t: Olivia Newton-John

Not a Record Ad

Announcer…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: How many times has this happened to you?

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: Tony Orlando comes into your home —

[ image: living room set ]

Announcer: and rearranges your furniture. Well, this may never need happen again, thanks to this remarkable ad you are now watching. And, despite the fact that we mentioned Tony Orlando —

[ image: Tony Orlando ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: Yes, you’ve seen our commercial for the Imitation Nun…

[ image: a nun ]

Announcer: The Odorless Light Bulb…

[ image: light bulb, with SUPER: “It’s Odorless” ]

Announcer: And, of course, the revolutionary new Mr. Garlic.

[ image: aeroseol canister ]

Announcer: So… if you send before Midnight tonight, you’ll save yourself the time, the cost, and the aggravation of having to do it tomorrow. So don’t be fooled by ANYTHING you hear in this commercial, because…

[ image: record album, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This is NOT a record ad!

[ image: Dentist working on patient ]

Announcer: Imagine the savings on dental bills alone!

[ image: series of rodents ]

Announcer: Never be bothered again by pesky, small animals… billing their costly long-distance calls to YOU!

[ image: woman in record store, with flashing SUPER: “Not A Record Ad” ]

Announcer: This ad is NOT available in any store. So say goodbye to annondized aluminum, and NO salesman will ever call!

[ image: record album, with large “X” over disclaimer: ]

Announcer: Offer null where void. California residents slightly higher.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

I Married A Monkey

Suitor…..James Coburn
Husband…..Tim Kazurinsky

Announcer: And now, another episode in the continuing daytime drama: “I Married A Monkey”.

[ open on half-dressed Suitor in bed with Madge the Monkey wearing nightgown ]

Suitor: Boy, you are something else! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like you before.. You know, I know we haven’t known each other for too long now.. but.. you sure are pretty, and I.. [ Husband, dressed in Disneyworld attire, enters the room ] What do you mean, barging in here like that?!!

Husband: [ angry ] I’m her husband!

Suitor: Oh..! [ dramatic pause ] Now, see here, pal.. we’re not gonna have any kind of a scene, are we?

Husband: Oh, stop your sniveling. i’m not a violent man.

Suitor: Oh. Good.

Husband: [ solemn ] It’s funny, you know.. we came down here to Disneyworld to try and save our marriage.. but my wife was too sick to go on the rides today!

Suitor: She told me her husband was in Europe!

Husband: [ sits on bed next to Madge ] I’m sorry to have to disturb your little pete-a-tete, Madge. You want to share the bed with your husband for a change? Here, Madge. [ hands over teddy bear ] I want this playing Toss The Hoops. [ to Suitor ] That’s Madge’s favorite game.

Suitor: Madge? Why, she told me her name was..

Together: Loretta!

[ dramatic sting ]

Husband: Did she also tell you she was married to a Korean Root Canal Specialist, and that he was.. [ Madge touches Suitor ] Madge, don’t touch him in my presence.. Madge, if you love me.. Did she tell you she worked for the Peace Corps?

Suitor: Yes, she did.

Husband: Sure. She’s a real humanitarian, this one.

Suitor: Well.. I’m sorry..

Husband: Sorry?

Suitor: Yes! Well, put yourself in my position.. she’s something else.

Husband: I don’t blame you. I know where the blame lies. [ to Madge ] You can’t control yourself, can you?

Suitor: [ standing ] Well, I guess I’d better get back to the gas station..

Husband: Yeah..

Suitor: Oh, uh, listen, pal.. on your way out of town, just stop by and, uh, you can have a free tank of gas. [ exits ]

Husband: [ hands pills to Madge ] Here’s your lithium. Take two. There. Oh, honey, don’t spit it out! Take your medicine, if you care. Oh, why can’t I trust you, Madge? Everytime I turn my back.. God knows what happens when I’m away at work! Do you sit around waiting for some encyclopedia salesman to pop in? Madge, don’t turn your back on me. [ Madge bounces on the bed [ Madge! Madge! [ reaches for bottle ] Here, Madge. Have a drink, honey. [ Madge swigs from the bottle ] What does that gas station attendant.. what about me?! You’re shacking up with some pump jockey! you’re a wife.. with a child! Oh, honey, what’s happened to us?

[ sound of a baby crying can be heard ]

Oh, that’s the baby, I left him in the hall. We were gonna take you to a French restaurant, but you can forget it now! [ brings baby monkey in the room ] We had a good time, didn’t we? We had a good time? Kiss for Mommy? Give Mommy a kiss.. [ to Madge ] ..or is he gonna catch something from you? Oh, Madge, why did this have to happen? Why did I have to find you like this? Oh, Madge.. you’re too much woman for me! Or maybe I’m not man enough for you. [ baby monkey bounces on suitcase, knocking it to the floor and causing himself to roll across the bed ] Madge.. there’s a fire buring inside of you, and I can’t seem to put out that flame.. It’s too much. You’re no good. You’re no damn good. But I love you. What am I gonna do? [ Madge swigs from bottle ] Don’t you think you should take a shower, Madge?

Announcer: Tune in again tomorrow, for another look at tormented love, on “I Married A Monkey”.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

Reach Out And Touch Someone

[ open on Elderly Couple seated in their living room ]

Elderly Woman: Arthur?

Elderly Man: What’s that, Ma?

Elderly Woman: I’ve been thinking – Jimmy’s been with us for almost three days now. I’ll bet his mother misses him.

Elderly Man: Three days, is it?

Elderly Woman: I’m sure she’d love to talk with him. Arthur, supposin’ you get him?

[ Elderly Man rises to retrieve Jimmy ]

[ dissolve to Elderly Couple holding the phone for Jimmy ]

Mother on Phone: Hello?

Jimmy: Mommy?

Mother on Phone: Jimmy? Jimmy, is that you?

Jimmy: Hi, Mommy!

Mother on Phone: Oh, baby, I miss you. Are you being a good boy?

Jimmy: Yes, Mommy.

Mother on Phone: Are you brushing your teeth?

Jimmy: Yes, Mommy. I miss you, Mommy.

Mother on Phone: I know you do, swetheart.. I miss you, too. But don’t worry, you’ll be home soon.

Jingle: “Reach out.. reach out and touch someone.

Reach out.. reach out, and just say hi..”

[ Elderly Woman grabs the phone ]

Elderly Woman: Hi. I want that $50,000 in unmarked bills, or you’ll never see your kid again.

[ pull back to reveal little Jimmy tied with rope, as Elderly Couple shake hands for their kidnapping efforts ]

Jingle: “Reach out.. reach out and touch someone.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 11

81k: James Coburn / Lindsey Buckingham

The President’s Birthday

Frank Sinatra…..Joe Piscopo

Announcer: Tonight: President Ronald Reagan celebrates his 71stbirthday. Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, the Honorory EntertainmentDirector of the White House – Mr. Francis Albert Sinatra!

Frank Sinatra: [ walks onstage to a smattering of applause ]
“My kind of Chief.. Executive
We’re talkin’ Chief.. Executive.
Shoots down Kadaffi, Ron Reagan does
Takes naps when he wants to, Ron Reagan does.
That Chief Executive
Why, he’s my kind of guy!
Ron Reagan! Ron Reagan!
My kind of gu-u-u-u-uyy!! Ron Reagan!

It’s an honor to be here tonight. Before we talk about the main man,I’d like to do something for our First Chick!

“When she gets hungry, the Third World can wait
She buys her china, at one-grand a plate
Threads by Adolfo, oh that chick, she looks great.
The First Lady.. champ!”

Speaking of champs, how about that Secretary-of-State of ours, huh?

“He’s bad, bad, bad Al Haig
tougher than the Red Brigade.
Badder than old King Kong
meaner than a neutron bomb!”

Here’s a little something that you very well might have heard throughthe years..

“When I was 17..
Ron, you were 63!”

[ laughs ] Seriously, Mr. President. Not only are you the leader of thisgreat country of ours, you are a devoted father to your son, the dancer.

“Fairy tales can true
Ron, it happened to you.
Da da da da-a-a-a..”

Ron, I’m sure you feel the same way about Ron, Jr. that I do aboutFrank, Jr. But let’s give our young people something to look forward to -a free Poland. Solidarity. Hey, how many Polish people does it take toscrew in a light bulb, huh? Well, I’m sure one could do it.. but, first,we gotta hand them the light bulb of freedom. It’s up to 200 milionAmericans to help them screw it in. And we should all stand behind thatmarvelous human being, Lech Walesa. Lechy, you are one groovy cat! But right now, ladies and gentlemen, back to the festivities at hand!

“Happy birthday to you!
Birthday, you!
Happy, happy, Ronnie..
Happy birthday.. happy birthday..
A birthday, you!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 20th, 1982

Bruce Dern

Luther Vandross

None

Joe Dicso

Clint Smith

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller
Bruce’s Advice

Montage

Ski Date with Fluffy

Who Do You Hate?

Focus on FilmRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed.

The Bizarro World

Luther Vandross performs “Never Too Much”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray

Schleimer and Laub SongwritersRecurring Characters: Harry Schleimer, Moe Laub.

The Mild One

Fracas

The Unstable Pilot

Luther Vandross performs “A House Is Not A Home”

Melina’s Cafe

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 13


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


February 27th, 1982

Elizabeth Ashley

Hall & Oates

Harry Anderson

Joseph Papp
CBS Evening NewsRecurring Characters: Dan Rather.

Montage

Elizabeth Ashley’s Monologue

Big Damn Plastic BubbleSummary: Eddie Murphy touts the revolutionary device that consumers would have to be stupid to buy, due to its impractical nature.

Transcript

Speaking As A WomanRecurring Characters: Michael Nash, Shelley Winters.

The Pope’s African TourRecurring Characters: Pope John Paul II.

Hall & Oates performs “You Make My Dreams”

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Joseph Papp Auditions

Hall & Oates performs “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)”

Harry Anderson

Women’s Party Conversation

Loewenbrau

Hall & Oates performs “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 13

81m: Elizabeth Ashley / Hall & Oates

Big Damn Plastic Bubble

…..Eddie Murphy
Announcer…..Mel Brandt

[ Pleasant music plays. A picture of a white house is shown. ]

Eddie Murphy V/O: We all know that years of wind and weather can turn a beautiful home like yours into an ugly eyesore.

[ Fade to a picture of the same house, all cracked and dry. ]

Eddie Murphy V/O: But what if you could protect your home? What if you could keep it beautiful forever, with a giant see-through plastic bubble?

[ Fade to a picture of the same house, pristine, with a big plastic bubble over it. Eddie then appears in a square in the top right corner. ]

Eddie Murphy: Well, you can’t! They don’t make no damn plastic bubble, you stupid idiot! And even if they did, how you gon’ find one big enough to fit over your house, right? What you gon’ do, how you gon’ get it home? Tie it on top of your damn station wagon? All right?

[ Eddie now takes up the whole screen ]

Eddie Murphy: But let’s say you could get one, right, if you sittin’ around in this big stupid plastic bubble over your house, right? Now you got it made, right? You didn’t stop to think, right, what happens when you get hungry, right? How you gon’ bring food inside there? They can’t deliver sandwiches with a big plastic bubble over your house, right? What they gon’ do then, right? The best part about that, I was thinkin’, right, what happens when you run out of air, right? You inside a space for about five days, you run out of air. Don’t you feel stupid now, sittin’ in that bubble, dead, huh? You feel real dumb, right? Let me tell you somethin’, man. If you feel that you’ve got to have this plastic bubble, and you got to spend your money on it, here’s Mel, he’ll tell you how to do it. Plastic bubble, y’all some stupid people out there …

[ Fade to a picture of the house with the plastic bubble over it. An address appears over this still. ]

Mel Brandt V/O: Thanks, Eddie! Send check or money order to Big Damn Plastic Bubble, Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. Do it today!

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


March 20th, 1982

Robert Urich

Mink De Ville

Buhweet and De Dupreems

None
He’s No Burt Reynolds

Montage

Buhweet And De DupreemsSummary: Burt Reynolds (Robert Urich) introduces Buhweet (Eddie Murphy) and Da Dupreems, who perform a medley of unintelligible Motown hits for the audience.

Recurring Characters: Buckwheat.

Reach Out And Touch SomeoneNote: Repeat from: 02/06/82.

Paul Harvey Radio NewsRecurring Characters: Paul Harvey.

Focus on FilmRecurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Buy a Bullet for a Hungry Kid

Reagan & Dr. StrangeloveRecurring Characters: Ronald Reagan, Ed Meese

Mink De Ville performs “Maybe Tomorrow”

Fur: You Deserve It!

Golden Age School of ObedienceSummary: Obedience trainer (Eddie Murphy) keeps elderly family members (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) in line like dogs.

Transcript

SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-MurrayRecurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Koala Embryo

Headline Challenge

Low Class Italian Theater

Mink De Ville performs “Love & Emotion”

The Thing That Destroyed Tokyo

John Belushi TributeSummary: Brian Doyle-Murray pays tribute to the recent death of John Belushi.

Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts