Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

The Playboy Philosophy

Socrates…..John Belushi
Plato…..Garrett Morris
Hef…..Hugh Hefner

[ open on group of ancient Romans ]

Announcer: Athens in the year 400 B.C. The cradle of Western civilization, and the birthplace of… The Playboy Philosophy. Each day, the wise men and youth of the city would gather in the marketplace to ask questions of the philosophers, and to learn at the feet of the one they called… Hef.

Socrates: If you recall, friends, yesterday we spoke of the ideal life. How should a man live? My answer, simply: Know thyself.

Plato: A wise thought, Socrates. And I said that a man ought to lea a just life, a life of harmony.

Socrates: Hmm… well spoken, Plato. But what say you, Hef? You who have traveled wisely, and have visited all the topless resorts? How should a man live?

Hef: Ah, but let us define our terms. Tell me, Plato: What is a man? A creature of desire? Of courage? Of reason?

Plato: Yes, of course!

Hef: Mmm-hmm. Then, WHY is a man different from the beast? The lion has courage. But does the lion decorate his cave… with a leather bedspread and shag carpeting?

Socrates: Uh-uh.

Plato: No.

Hef: And does the fox choose the aftershave lotion that is right for him?

Socrates: Ahhhh! I see! I see! The man is the only creature who can enjoy a sensual and uninhibited lifestyle, and-and-and-and live free and work hard!

Plato: [ first in Latin, then: ] “I have my own set… therefore, I am!”

Hef: Ah! Once again, Hef, you have proven yourself the wisest and most swinging of the Greeks. But answer this, if you can. One night last week, following a delicious dinner of musaka and white wine… I was startled to hear the young lady I was entertaining ask if I had a bottle of Ouzo. Just what is Ouzo, anyway, and where do I buy it?

Socrates: Well, this is indeed a difficult riddle! Now, here’s one for you: [ he clenches his pipe in his teeth and holds up a vase ] How many of you can spot the rabbit on this vase?

Plato: Mmm, mmm, mmm! You are far too SLY for us! Clearly, you have no equal in the field of sophisticated men’s entertainment! But, we’ve had enough for today. Shall we go to my house? The sauna is working now.

Socrates: Yes, let’s go!

[ they start to rise ]

Hef: Well, you two go without me. I must stay here and sit and ponder… the ultimate question.

[ the other men are fruatrated ]

Socrates: Aw, give up, Hef! Night after night, you brood over the same question! Come with us — we’ll have a drink and playboy forum!

Hef: No. Leave me now. I’ll join you later.

Socrates: I’ll leave you to your thoughts.

[ Socrates follows after the other men ]

Hef: [ thinking out loud ] To go pink, or not to go pink?

[ pan upwards on set and into audience, closing in on attractive blonde with SUPER: “Gives Great Expectations” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women

Captain Macho…..Hugh Hefner
Lt. Testosterone…..John Belushi
Coporal Hardin…..Dan Aykroyd
Corporal Fellopia…..Laraine Newman
Captain Estrogena…..Jane Curtin
Lt. Aeriola…..Gilda Radner

[ SUPER: “It is the year 3,000 in the distant Mirror Universe. One side of this Universe is ruled by the Men; the other side is ruled by the Women. An asteroid storm from the planet LUBRICAX has shattered the delicate solar mirror which separates both sides, and each has just discovered the other’s existence. Conflict is inevitable as the first starship of THE MEN races toward the first starship of THE WOMEN, for a battle in deep space.” ]

[ SUPER: “Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women” ]

[ open on interior, Spaceship of the Men, long and shaft-like ]

Captain Macho: How long until we accept the the enemy vessel, Lt. Testosterone?

Lt. Testosterone: Two minutes ’til battle phase, Captain Macho.

Captain Macho: Corporal Hardin, has that detectoscan given us any further data on what we’re gonna be up against?

Corporal Hardin: Detectoscan and bioanaylsis indicate the occupants of the enemy ship are different but basically equal to us. However, Captain Macho, our ship is physically superior to theirs.

Kyle: Caption Macho, the enemy ship is within firing range.

Captain Macho: Alright, set rockets for cruising. Eveybody stay cool. Let them make the first move.

[ camera pans to window for view of Spaceship of the Women ]

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women, donut-shaped ]

Corporal Fellopia: Captain Estrogena, the enemy starship is within electroscanning distance.

Captain Estrogena: What dos it look like, Lt. Aeriola?

Lt. Aeriola: Here it is, Captain. [ Spaceship of the Men is seen from outside the window ] Their ship is not as big as we had hoped.

Corporal Fellopia: And, from this manuevering, it appears that our opponents have little control over their craft.

Captain Estrogena: Alright, women, let’s break down their defenses, and hit them at their weakest point. Corporal Fellopia, activate the Horn Ray.

[ Corporal Fellopia presses button on “boob” ray, firing shots at Spaceship of the Men ]

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men, the Men reacting to the ray ]

Lt. Testosterone: Mmm.. you know.. my flight suit feels real tight..

Kyle: Yeah, we’ve been on the ship about two years now..

Captain Macho: Listen, men, we’re being bombarded by some kind of powerful new weapon, but we must gain control. Kyle, try counting backwards from 100, or try thinking about sports.

Corporal Hardin: I can’t take this much longer, Captain. Can’t we do something to stop them?

Captain Macho: Maybe if we give them a scare. Let’s fire the Mouse Ray.

Kyle: Firing the Mouse Ray. Mmm..

[ fire Mouse at the Spaceship of the Women ]

[ show Women standing atop their chairs screaming in panic ]

[ cut back to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]

Lt. Testoterone: Captain, Macho, we’ve lost control! We’re going to collide!

[ the two spaceships collide phallically, Spaceship of the Men stuck in between the Spaceship of the Women ]

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women ]

Captain Estrogena: Damage report?

Corporal Fellopia: No serious damage, Captain, but our vessel will never be the same.

Lt. Aeriola: Maybe we should give them half-an-hour, and see if they’ll attack again.

Captain Estrogena: I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use a cigarette.

[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]

Captain Macho: That was some battle, men. I think we’d better get some sleep.

Kyle: Are you sure, Captain? Are you sure? I think we ought to do battle again right now!

[ Men on spaceship fall asleep ]

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

Announcer: Join us next week for “Escape From the Planet of the Gays”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd

…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Tour Leader…..Tom Schiller
Nadia Comanechi…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are Jane Curtin and Don Aykroyd.

Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan Aykroyd.

Announcer: What was that?

Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan, Don.

Announcer: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry, Dan! It must have been a typographical error in my script! I beg your Pardo!

Dan Aykroyd: That’s pardon.

Announcer: [ more amused ] Oh, I’m sorry! It must have been a typographical error!

Dan Aykroyd: Thank you, Don Pardo.

Our top story tonight: Professor John Van Vleck, of Harvard University, won the Nobel Prize for Physics this week. He is shown here with his invention: a party doll for older men. Congratulations, Professor.

Jane Curtin: A terrorist group calling themselves the Gay Bakers struck again yesterday, this time in Des Moines, Iowa.

[ cut to footage of Anita Bryant seated at a table during a press conference ]

Jane Curtin V/O: Now, watch this:

Anita Bryant: — all kinds of problems. And, uh, everyth —

[ suddenly, a cream pie is shoved into Bryant’s face ]

Male Voice: No, no! Let him stay.

Anita Bryant: Well, at least it’s a fruit pie!

[ cut back to the news desk ]

Jane Curtin: Fortunately, Ms. Bryant, who was not inujured, enjoyed a good laugh, and said it was okay if the assailant dated her husband!

The National Association of Broadcasters, better known as the N.A.B., has issued revised guidelines for laxative commercials on television, stating graphic representations of symptoms and/or product mechanics shall not be permitted. For example: rain, rivers, gelatin, concrete blocks, etc. The laxative industry’s Delegation of United Manufacturers and Producers, better known as D.U.M.P., issued a reply saying, “We have received the guidelines and shall draw our conclusion, as we usually do, by a process of elimination.”

Dan Aykroyd: Dodgers fan Miss Lillian Carter, this week, told the Los Angeles Times that she doesn’t like ABC sportscaster Howard Cosell, saying “I don’t want him to die, but I wish they’d take him off the air.” Cosell, responding to the remarks of the 79-year-old Presidential Mother, reportedly said, “I have no animosity toward Miss Lillian… and I hope she lives to be 80.”

[ tour group enters and starts wandering around the set, alarming Jane and Dan ]

Tour Leader: — of course, this is the “Update” set, in Studio 8-H, where “Saturday Night Live” is produced every Saturday evening.

Dan Aykroyd: What’s going on here? What’s the story? What’s going on here?

Tour Leader: This is the Chroma-Key area. There’s Dan Aykroyd and Jane curtin, who are — I’m sorry, Chevy Chase is no longer with the show. If you’ll come this way, we’ll see the recording studio…

Dan Aykroyd: [ picks up the phone on the desk ] Control? Yeah, they just brought a tour through the “Update” set, and… Oh, that’s going to be normal procedure? Oh, okay… [ he hangs up ] I don’t know. [ he sighs, then continues ]

With the discovery of still another diamond dealer’s body this week in Puerto Rico, the count is now at least six murders of diamond dealers, with more discoveries anticipated. Authorities, with few clues to go on, are now confronted by the possibility of a motive — they’re calling it… “gemocide”.

Jane Curtin: This week, the Supreme Court upheld Congress’ ban on the use of Medicaid money for abortions. The court ruled that a fetus becomes a human being at three months, if the parents earn $15,000 or more a year. And at one month, if the parents earn less.

Nadia Comanechi, the fifteen-year-old darling of the 1976 Olympics has just begun a 60-city tour of the United States, and, frankly, I couldn’t be happier. She’s like poetry in motion, and we have this footage for you right now.

[ cut to footage of Nadia Comaneci doing gymnastics — a flip, a tumble, looking cute for the crowd ]

Nadia Comaneci: Hi! I’m Nadia Comeaneci! Aren’t I cute! Please. Come see me perform all over this country when I come to your city! I’m only fifteen-years-old now, but I have to make all the money I can, because I won’t be cute forever! Before you know it, I’ll grow up to be a big fat Romanian woman with fat thighs and a moustache like my mother! We don’t age so good! So, who’s gonna want to see me then? It’s so hard to do gymnastics while you’re arguing with storekeepers! So, see me now, while I’m still darling! Bye!

[ cut back to the newscast, as Dan and Jane banter ]

Dan Aykroyd: You know, Jane, she is so cute, that girl.

Jane Curtin: She sure is.

Dan Aykroyd: But I thought the parallel bars were her first love?

Jane Curtin: Mine, too. A lot of us girls who took gym class lost it to the parallel bars.

Dan Aykroyd: The Calhoun National Bank, in Georgia, has constructed a new office for returning bank executive Bert Lance, following Lance’s request that he be allowed to start al over again at the bottom.

Jane Curtin: Well, the World Series opened this week, and, after four games, the Yanks are leading three games to one. [ audience cheers ] Tomorrow, they’ll play the fifth game at Dodger Stadium, with Ethel Merman singing the National Anthem before the game. [ reveal photo of a dolphin ] The Yanks have surprised a lot of skeptics with their pitching, despite the fact that most of their pitchers are injured. But, as insurance, in the event that the Series does go the full seven games, the Yanks have announced the signing of former St. Louis Cardinals’ Dizzy Dean. Despite the fact that Dean has been dead for the past two years, the Yankee brass is confident that he’ll still fare better than Catfish Hunter.

Dan Aykroyd: I’m sure Dizzy’ll bounce back there…

[ the NBC Dancing “N” dances in with a bulletin ]

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, we have a buletin coming in on the NBC Dancing N. This is the NBC Bews update Dancing N. [ he tears the bulletin off the side of the “N” ] This just in, from your National Drug Abuse Association: “Cocaine and heroin do not mix. If you must snort, don’t shoot.”

Jane Curtin: Well, tonight, we’re proud to announce that tonight’s show is the first “Saturday Night Live” to be broadcast overseas to the Armed Forces Network. And we’d like to welcome some one million military personnel who are watching “Weekend Update” for the first time. Uh.. this just in – we’re at war. Army personnel, turn off your sets and do what you’re supposed to do. Just kidding! Good night, and have a pleasent tomorrow.

Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News”, keeping American informed for over a fiftieth of a century.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 3

77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

The X-Police

Woman … Jane Curtin
Man … John Belushi
Policeman #1 … Bill Murray
Policeman #2 … Dan Aykroyd

[A man reads a newsletter and a woman reads a book while sitting on a sofa in a nicely furnished living room, a large window overlooking a city skyline in the background. The woman closes her book and puts it on the coffee table in front of her, then leans back with a sigh.]

Woman: I’m done studying for tonight. How ’bout you, honey?

Man: Yeah. I don’t think I’m gonna find a cure for cancer tonight. [closes newsletter and puts it on coffee table]

Woman: Mmm.

Man: What do you say we just relax, smoke a joint, go to bed? [starts rolling a joint]

Woman: Great idea.

Man: Yeah. Too much studying, you know? You know, Dr. Shell’s paper on the isolation of cancer cells in bladder tissue is very interesting.

Woman: I’ll have to read that before I go to the day care center tomorrow.

Man: Oh, yeah. Please. I got it here somewhere. [lights up and takes a couple of drags on the joint, inhaling deeply, then, with eyes and mouth wide open:] Aaahhhhhh! [passes joint to woman who takes it – butbefore she can take a toke, the door bursts open and two plainclothes policemen charge in with guns drawn]

Policeman #1: Freeze!

Policeman #2: X-Police!

[Man and woman slump back on sofa, hands in the air.]

Man: X-Police?!

[The two cops flash their wallets – but there are no badges in them.]

Policeman #2: We were kicked off the force a couple of months ago.

Policeman #1: That won’t keep us from enforcing the law! You two were smoking marijuana! [takes joint out of woman’s hand, stubs it out in an ashtray and pockets it]

Woman: You can’t–!

Policeman #1: It’s a felony!

Woman: You can’t come in here without a warrant!

Policeman #1: All right. This is my warrant, baby.

[Policeman #1 hits woman on head with the butt of his gun, knocking her unconscious.]

Man: [jumps up in protest] Hey! Look! You can’t–!

[Policeman #2 grabs man and pushes him up against door.]

Man: Whaaaaaaa!

[Policeman #2 shakes the man violently by the collar, pounding his head against the door with every syllable:]

Policeman #2: [screaming viciously] I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a thirteen year old turned on to heroin because some punk like you gave her a marijuana joint?! Pot! Grass! Marijuana! It’s all the same!

Policeman #1: [calmly] Joe! Maybe you should stop hitting his head against the wall. He’s already unconscious. He could get seriously hurt.

Policeman #2: [still pounding away viciously] I guess … you’re … right!

[Policeman #2 finally stops and lets the man drop limply to the floor. The two cops stand over the motionless body.]

Policeman #2: It’s too late. He’s dead! Another marijuana-related death!

Policeman #1: Better make it look like the girl did it.

Policeman #2: That’s a good idea. [pulls out his gun and shoots the man, sighs, then sees a glass of water by the windowsill] Okay, gimme that glass of water.

[#1 wipes the fingerprints off his gun with a handkerchief as #2 fetches the glass of water – #1 puts the gun in the unconscious woman’s hand – #2 hands the water glass to #1 who, taking care not to get prints on the glass, splashes water in the woman’s face to wake her up – she awakens with a cry and looks around, sees the man on the floor and rises to stare at him in horror.]

Woman: What’s happened?

Policeman #2: Huh! You two were smoking marijuana. You got hysterical. He threw a glass of water in your face. And you shot him!

Woman: [horrified, she drops the gun and screams] What have I done?! Aaaaaahhhhhh!

[The two cops watch impassively as the woman runs screaming to the window and jumps through it, smashing the glass and disappearing from view.]

Policeman #1: [rolls his eyes, takes joint out of pocket, holds it up] Marijuana! [crushes the joint in his fingers as the snarky X-Police theme music kicks in]

Policeman #2: Let’s get out of here before the real police arrive.

[#1 throws down the joint. #2 throws down the handkerchief. The two cops exit. Dissolve to the woman, breathing heavily, a cloth over her face, as she stands in a police station, waiting to be photographed for her criminal file.]

Don Pardo V/O: Susan Klein recovered from her fall and was convicted of first degree murder in the shooting death of her husband. She was sentenced to life in prison at the California State Women’s Penitentiary where she was killed in a prison riot. [Dissolve to agraphic of a badgeless wallet over which is superimposed the text: X-POLICE] Join us again next week for another episode of X-Police!

[Dissolve to a wide shot of the now empty living room set and theapplauding audience.]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 29th, 1977

Charles Grodin

Paul Simon

The Persuasions

Art Garfunkel

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Alan Zweibel

Michael O’Donoghue

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Unprepared CharlesSummary: The cast are upset when Charles Grodin misses dress rehearsal so he can buy gifts for everyone.

Transcript

Montage

Charles Grodin’s MonologueSummary: Charles Grodin confesses that he didn’t realize there would be an audience, and he wishes he had put more time aside to rehearse.

Transcript

Weekend Update PromoSummary: While the rest of the world sleeps, a groggy-eyed Dan Aykroyd stays awake to prepare the next night’s news.

Transcript

Return of The ConeheadsSummary: Back on Earth in time for Halloween, The Conehead Family dispense fried egg embryos and beer to trick-or-treaters.

Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.

Transcript

Charles’ Movie

Paul Simon performs “Slip Sliding Away”First Performed: 75b.

Consumer ProbeSummary: Irwin Mainway’s (Dan Aykroyd) unsafe Halloween costumes include the Invisible Pedestrian and Johnny Combat.

Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway.

Transcript

The “Anyone Can Host” ContestSummary: Bill Murray updates viewers on the contest’s progress as Michael O’Donoghue rejects entries for various minor infractions.

Transcript

Samurai Dry CleanersSummary: Impressed by the premise, Charles Grodin ruins John Belushi’s performance as Samurai Futaba by commenting on it throughout the sketch.

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Entertainment reporter Bill Murray criticizes one-man shows for not being a real theatrical experience. Dr. Willard Jackson (Garrett Morris) shows Dan Aykroyd the bones of famous dead people.

Simon & GarfunkelSummary: Paul Simon is vexed by Charles Grodin’s need to do a duet with him while donning an Art Garfunkel wig, which Art Garfunkel himself relinquishes.

Transcript

The Killer BeesSummary: Thrown by the costumes, Charles Grodin ruins John Belushi’s performance as the leader of the Killer Bees and is promptly told off.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript

The Judy Miller ShowSummary: Judy Miller (Gilda Radner), an excitable little girl, hosts a talk show for herself in her bedroom.

Recurring Characters: Judy Miller.

Transcript

The Professional School of FootballSummary: Spokesman (Garrett Morris) quizzes viewers on their potential to become professional football players.

Transcript

Paul Simon performs “You’re Kind”

Hire The IncompetentSummary: Dress rehearsal absentee Charles Grodin speaks out for the rights of other incompetent people.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Weekend Update Promo

…..Dan Aykroyd
Foreground Passengers…..Tom Davis, Al Franken, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, airplane, late at night. All the passengers are asleep, except for Dan Aykroyd in the rear. ]

Announcer: News gathering is a tough, demanding job. News never stops happening, so the best reporters never stop working. And the “Weekend Update” reporters are the best. That’s why, on assignments from Bangor to Bangkok — or wherever the American Press is working — there will always be one reporter who hangs in there, when all the others have quit.

[ zoom in on Aykroyd as he smokes and types up a story ]

That reporter is award-winning newsman… Dan Aykroyd. He’s the guy in the “Weekend Update” news team who works overtime, staying up all night to bring you total news coverage.

[ reveal that Aykroyd is exhaustedly typing away with no sheet of paper within his typerwriter’s carriage ]

The BEST keep on working. The news doesn’t wait ’til the morning… and you can’t write the news if you’re asleep.

[ Aykroyd reaches down to pull out his copy, suddenly realizing he has been typing directly onto the carriage. He glances around, confused. ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: 1977-1978




The Complete Third Season on DVD

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Starring:

Dan Aykroyd

John Belushi

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Bill Murray

Laraine Newman

Episodes

09/24/77: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

19/08/77: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

10/15/77: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus

10/29/77: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

11/12/77: Ray Charles

11/19/77: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

12/10/77: Mary Kay Place / Willie Nelson

12/17/77: Miskel Spillman / Elvis Costello

01/21/78: Steve Martin / Randy Newman, Dirt Band

01/28/78: Robert Klein / Bonnie Raitt

02/18/78: Chevy Chase / Billy Joel

02/25/78: O.J. Simpson / Ashford & Simpson

03/11/78: Art Garfunkel / Stephen Bishop

03/18/78: Jill Clayburgh / Eddie Money

03/25/78: Christopher Lee / Meat Loaf

04/08/78: Michael Palin / Eugene Record

04/15/78: Michael Sarrazin / Keith Jarrett, Gravity

04/22/78: Steve Martin / The Blues Brothers

05/13/78: Richard Dreyfuss / Jimmy Buffett, Gary Tigerman

Summary   The ratings for “Saturday Night Live” keep getting better and better, and nothing evidents it greater than this season’s April 22nd, 1978 broadcast with host Steve Martin and musical guest The Blues Brothers. From the Wild & Crazy Czechoslavakian Festrunk Brothers to Medieval Barber Theodoric of York, everything that highlighted the 1977 season could be found in this one all-time fan favorite episode.

   But not everything on the show was zen perfection. If fact, tensions built up behind-the-scenes earlier that season when former castmember Chevy Chase came back to host the show. Bill Murray had made quite a name for himself on “SNL” by this time, and he made the information as clear as possible to Chevy, leading up to a fistfight just minutes before the show went to air. Despite these differences, the cast pulled themselves together long enough to put on a decent show – and overall, they put on one of “SNL”‘s best seasons ever.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:



Cameos:

Bit Players:


September 24th, 1977

Steve Martin

Jackson Browne

Al Franken

Tom Davis

None

Andy Murphy

Rosie Shuster

Jim Downey

Alan Zweibel

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura
An Oval OfficeSummary: Bert Lance (John Belushi) uses the National Express credit card to pay for his debts.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin wants to find a tiny pair of handcuffs for his embezzling cat.

First Hosted: 76e.

Transcript

Kromega IIISummary: The watch so powerful that it takes three hands to operate.

Transcript

The Festrunk BrothersSummary: A pair of Czechoslavakian brothers who ran from the tanks, Jorge (Steve Martin) and Yortuk Festrunk (Dan Aykroyd) try to pick up a pair of women (Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner) playing Ping-Pong in their apartment building’s rec room.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk.

Transcript

Jackson Browne performs “Runnin’ on Empty”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Laraine Newman recaps her visit to the Mao Tse-tung death anniversary. Bill Murray reviews “The Deep”. Garrett Morris comments on the week’s sports stories. John Belushi recaps his selection for a Weekend Update scholarship fund.

Transcript

Mike McMack, Defense LawyerSummary: Defense lawyer Mike McMack (Steve Martin) makes a pass at the rape victim (Gilda Radner) whose case he helped throw out of court.

Transcript

Computerized ConfessionSummary: A priest (Dan Aykroyd) uses a computer to determine the penance for a man (Garrett Morris) who confesses to an adulterous relationship he has been carrying on.

Transcript

Great Moments In Rock & RollSummary: Groupie Alice Sloane (Laraine Newman) recounts her brief relationship with Roy Orbison (John Belushi), of whom she only knew to stand perfectly still while singing and wearing dark shades.

Recurring Characters: Roy Orbison.

Transcript

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken and Tom Davis play the finalists in the Mr. U.S.A. Pageant.

Recurring Characters: Anita Bryant.

Royal Deluxe IISummary: The vehicle that rides smooth enough to allow a rabbi to perform a circumcision in the back seat.

Transcript

Jackson Browne performs “The Pretender”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Computerized Confession

Woman…..Rosie Shuster
Priest…..Dan Aykroyd
Man…..Garrett Morris
Woman…..Rosie Shuster

[ open on exterior, confessional ]

[ a woman, kneeling, makies the Sign of the Cross and then exits, as ?? steps forward and kneels at the confessional on the opposite side ]

[ cut to interior, confessional, as the Priet slides the partition to begin ]

Man: Forgive me, Father. It has been six years since my last confession. In that time, I’ve received absolution and I’ve performed my penance. These are my sins.

Priest: Well, it’s been a while since you last came to confession. [ he smiles ] There’s been a lot of changes in six years. Go ahead with my, uh — your confession, my son.

Man: Well, where should I start? My life’s a mess, Father! I have so many sins…

Priest: Well… which one troubles you the most?

Man: Well, you see — I’m married, and I have BEEN with another woman.

Priest: Mmm-hmm. Is she, too, beholden to another man?

Man: Yes! She’s married.

Priest: I see. So you’ve broken the sixth and the ninth commandments?

Man: Mmm-hmm.

[ suddenly, a machine begins to beep wildly ]

Man: Hey… hey… Hey, Father, wh-wh-what’s that noise…?

Priest: I told you, my son — the church has undergone quite a few changes. Contrary to what you might have been reading, the Church IS progressive, and, uh, has modernized. [ he acknowledges a computer system before him ] This is the Trinity-300 Central Processing Unit, with an address capacity of 70 bits of information.

Man: [ curious ] Uh, well, what’s it for?

Priest: Well, basically, it’s a modern priest’s companion. This terminal, here, has a direct link-up to the arch-darabank in Rome. It assists the priests in, uh, analyzing transgressions in the assignment of appropriate penance. Now, you said this other woman was married, didn’t you?

Man: Yeah.

[ the Priest types the information into the CPU ]

[ screen reads: “Sin Series #10148” ]

[ screen reads: “Commandment #6: Adultery” ]

[ screen reads: “Commandment #9: Covet: wife” ]

[ screen reads: “Transgressions to date: Anno Domini 1977 – 2,600,808” ]

[ next screen reads: “RECOMMENDED PENANCE (flashing) 10 Hail Marys” ]

Priest: Alright, ten Hail Marys. Okay, anything else?

Man: Yeah, well, I got rid of her husband.

Priest: How did you do that?

Man: Well, I’m the Personnel Director for a large chemical company. We have offices all over the world.

Priest: All right.

Man: Her husband worked for me, and it got to be a hassle, Father, so I transferred him to Beirut. I put him up in the Holiday Inn, and his room got shelled. Now, did I kill him, or not?

Priest: Beats me. Let’s check. [ he types the information into the CPU ]

[ screen reads: “ACTED TO REMOVE HUSBAND” ]

[ screen reads: “INDIRECTLY CAUSED DEATH” ]

[ next screen reads: “see : David and Bathsheba” ]

[ next screen reads: “SIN OF PASSION — Not directly responsible” ]

[ screen reads: (flashing) “NO PENALTY” ]

Priest: Nooo, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. You didn’t commit murder.

Man: [ aghast ] Well, I wish you would tell his son that! He’s after me — for breaking up his family!

Priest: Well, what do you mean he’s “after you”?

Man: Well, he hired two guys to follow me, man. They’re out there NOW — Father. Excuse me for calling you “man”. They’re out there NOW! That’s why I ducked in here in the first place!

Priest: I see… hmm… hmm…

Man: I’ve got to get OUT of here, get away, think things over…

Priest: [ thinking ] Well, where do you think it would be safe for you to go?

Man: Well, I’ve got relatives in Chicago… maybe I could get a flight out tonight…

Priest: [ typing ] Will that be First Class or Coach?

Man: That would be First Class.

Priest: Smoking or Non-smoking?

Man: Smoking.

Priest: Okay. Would you like a rental car waiting for you when you get into Chicago?

Man: Yeah, whatcha got?

Priest: Let’s see… [ typing ] We’ve got a mid-sized sedan, or a little hatchback.

Man: Hatchback!

Priest: Good choice. It’s a gas saver. [ types the final few keystrokes ] Okay, are you sorry for your sins?

Man: Yeahhhh, sure!

Priest: Say those ten Hail Marys now?

Man: Uh, I certainly will, Father!

Priest: [ hands his tickets over ] Alright, bless you, my son. Have a nice flight.

[ the man smiles and makes his exit ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 1

77a: Steve Martin / Jackson Browne

Two Wild & Crazy Guys

Georg Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd
Yortuk Festrunk…..Steve Martin
Lynn…..Jane Curtin
Barb…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Lynn and Barb playing Ping-Pong in apartment complex Rec Room ]

[ suddenly, George and Yortuk Festrunk, two wild and crazy guys, Czech brothers dressed in tight pants and loud unbuttoned polyester shirts, medallions swinging over their chests, enter the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt! But I was just wondering something. I am Georg Festrunk, and this is my brother Yortuk. We have a wash going in the next room, and we need some change for the dryer, can you help?

Barb: Uh, I’m sorry, I don’t have any change.

Georg Festrunk: [ laughs ] Well, you know, usually we have lots of change, because we are both swinging guys! Both my brother Yortuk and I enjoy doing many things.

Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. two wild and crazy guys!

Georg Festrunk: I’ll say!

Yortuk Festrunk: Why.. just the other day, we were enjoying ourselves so much, I can’t tell you!

Georg Festrunk: Say, you know, this is some swinging singles apartment building Rec Room! You could have here many good swinging times! Which you would enjoy a great deal!

Yortuk Festrunk: It’s so thought out and together!

Georg Festrunk: Look at you swinging girls, having such a good time, enjoying yourselves here and now!

Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t mention it!

Georg Festrunk: My brother and I are from Czechoslavakia, even though no one can tell. We escaped during the ’75 riots, by throwing many rocks at a Russian tank. We ran from it to come to America, but, boy, we gave up many things. Back there, we have a nice, groovy apartment, three cars and a summer house, which the government now owns! [ laughs ] Back there, we have medical degrees – but here in America we must be salesman for decorative bathroom fixtures. There, we are brain surgeons!

Yortuk Festrunk: We are.. unique kinds of guys!

Georg Festrunk: Two swinging guys who enjoy many things, and can do them all the time! Not to be polite, but what are your names?

Lynn: Uh.. Lynn.

Barb: Uh.. Barb.

Georg Festrunk: Well, you two look like some fox-y American girls, who are very attractive and who enjoy having a good swinging time!

[ Lynn and Barb laugh at the antics ]

Georg Festrunk: So many times, this game has been played by me and my brother! I think you would see just how swinging we are, if we played the game for you right now!

Yortuk Festrunk: You want to shoot a game?

Georg Festrunk: Sure! There’s nothing preventing us!

Barb: Uh.. listen, guys.. we’re right in the middle of a game.. we’d like to finish it..

Georg Festrunk: Well, why should we wait? We’re putting the moves on you fox-es!

Yortuk Festrunk: So! How much do you weigh?

Lynn: Uh.. about 110.. 115..

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Just tell me when you want me to come home with you!

[ Georg and Yortuk demonstrate their Ping-Pong prowess – George serves the ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Good shot, Yortuk!

Yortuk Festrunk: I win again! [ laughs ] We sure are coming on to you! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: But enough of this flattery. You young girls seem to know that we’re talking to you in a very swinging way. What can you say to us that we would enjoy talking about with you now, here and now, in this swinging way with us?

[ awkward silence for a beat ]

Barb: Well.. um..

Lynn: Well.. um..

Georg Festrunk: Maybe you’ve taken some.. drugs.. which gave you many pretty colors. That freak you out and make you want to die!

Lynn: Well.. uh..

Barb: Well.. uh.. oh! [ speaking slowly for full comprehension ] I knew this girl in coll-ege that took ac-id and got preg-nant.

[ Georg and Yortuk are impressed with the shift in conversation ]

Georg Festrunk: Well, this is sure a swinging rap session in America!

Lynn: Well.. um.. I don’t take.. [ restructures her sentence for full comprehension ] I take drugs – no!

Yortuk Festrunk: Well, maybe someday, someone will put some in your food!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh like they made a brilliant, profound statement ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Don’t smell anything!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh some more ]

Georg Festrunk: So now.. you know!

[ Georg and Yortuk laugh even more ]

Georg Festrunk: Say.. my brother Yortuk and I, we really enjoy the American disco music! So, to show you how swinging we are, and how much we love it, we’re going to dance for you now! With you, by putting some music on the jukeobx!

Yortuk Festrunk: [ makes a grab for Barb ] Come on, you crazy girl!

Barb: Um..

Georg Festrunk: Come on, fox-es! Don’t miss out on the fun!

[ disco music is turned on, as Georg and Yortuk demostrate their ridiculous dancing moves ]

Georg Festrunk: I see you two girls have never lived in a Communist bloc country, so.. get out of our ways!

Lynn: We’ve gotta lose these guys..

Barb: Yeah, we gotta go..

[ Lynn and Barb turn to exit the Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Hey, hey, hey, wait! [ runs over toward Lynn and Barb ] You know.. you American girls have such big breasts all the time.

Yortuk Festrunk: [ stammering ] And your tight American blue jeans think us.. have.. have.. making sex! [ laughs ]

Georg Festrunk: Well.. I guess you must like us by now! So, please! Give us the number of your apartment, so we can go up there and have sex with you right now!

Lynn: I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we go someplace and meet, first?

Georg Festrunk: [ excited by his prospects ] Certainly! But I hope it is not long before all our clothes are off!

Yortuk Festrunk: And we are holding your big American breasts in our hands!

Lynn: I’ve got an idea! Do you know the Holland Tunnel?

Georg Festrunk: Of course! We swing there often!

Lynn: Meet us in the middle of the Holland Tunnel. Do you know the man in the glass booth?

Georg Festrunk: Naturally!

Yortuk Festrunk: Yeah! He knows our names – Georg and Yortuk!

Lynn: Well, you go there, and park there, and wait for us.

Barb: Yeah, yeah. We’ll meet you there as son as we slip into our big American breasts!

Georg Festrunk: Okay! We’ll have a swinging time!

Yortuk Festrunk: When we see you, we will wish we were having sex with you right then!

Lynn: Bye bye..

[ Barb and Lynn exit Rec Room ]

Georg Festrunk: Oh, you see, Yortuk, I told you! In this whole building, there is not one other pair of brothers from Czechoslavakia who ran from the tanks like us!

[ George serves the Ping-Pong ball to Yortuk, who slams his paddle onto the table and sends the ball flying across the Rec Room ]

Yortuk Festrunk: I win again!

Georg Festrunk: Good shot!

Yortuk Festrunk: Thank you. Don’t mention it!

Georg Festrunk: [ laughs excitedly ] Let’s go to the swinging Holland Tunnel now!

[ they hop out of the Rec Room on one leg ]

[ zoom upward into audience, stop at woman with SUPER: “Faking it, but at least trying” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts