Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17

13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Big Joe

Brother…..Bobby Moynihan
Sara…..Anna Kendrick
Big Joe…..Taran Killam
Black Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Red…..Kyle Mooney
Boy…..John Milhiser
Little Girl…..Noel Wells
Dutch…..Beck Bennett

[ open on explosion behind the hills ]

Brother: Helllllp! Help! Somebody, hellllp!

Sara: Dear Lord, Daniel! What happened here?!

Brother: Oh, the mine! It came down on me! Ooh, it hurts something awful!

Sara: Oh, we need to get you to a doctor! Can you get up?

Brother: Ain’t no good! These rocks done pinned my legs!

Sara: Ohhh…! Help! Someone, help! Anyone! My brother’s trapped! [ townspeople run forward ] Oh, well, don’t just stand there! Someone, please! Can anyone lift thiese rocks?!

[ Big Joe lurches forward ]

Big Joe: [ deep-voiced ] I’lllll do it!

Sara: Big Joe? Are you sure? Have you ever picked up something this heavy?

Big Joe: From time to tiiiiiime!

Sara: If you save my brother, I’ll be FOREVER in your debt!

Big Joe: I’d do anything for you, Miss Sara.

Sara: Oh, Big Joe! Hang in their, Daniel — Joe’s gonna save ya’!

Big Joe: Alright, now! Everybody stand baaaaack! [ he slaps his hands together ] Here goooooes! [ he squats and attempts to pick up a large rock, then stands back up ] I can’t do it!

Sara: What?! Are you sure?

Big Joe: It can’t be doooooone!

Sara: You didn’t try for very long!

Big Joe: He gonna diiiie!

Brother: Well, I don’t WANNA die!

Red: We won’t let you, Daniel! Let ME give a try!

Big Joe: It ain’t no use! If Big Joe can’t do it —

[ Red lifts one of the rocks ]

Red: I got it!

Big Joe: Alright, well… That’s good, he got a little rock!

Brother: Come on! Keep on going, Red!

Big Joe: No, no, Red! Uh, Big Joe! I’ll do it! [ he squats to lift a large rock grunts, then stands ] No, I can’t! I can’t do it!

Sara: Joe, why don’t you sit back and give Red another try?

Big Joe: No, Miss Sara, it won’t do no good. Your brother’s DOOMED! I’ll crush his skull. [ he raises one leg ]

Sara: NO! That’s my brother! I’m gonna get you out of there, Daniel!

Big Joe: Careful, Miss Sara…!

Brother: [ she grabs a rock and lifts it aside ]

Sara: Oh! That was easy!

Big Joe: Uhhhh… I loosened that one — I get credit!

Sara: Line up, everybody! Just grab a rock, and let’s get Daniel out of here!

Big Joe: The rest of these rocks are STUCK! Ain’t going NOWHERE!

Black Guy: [ lifting rock ] I got this one!

Big Joe: Okay, go ahead! That wasn’t anything —

Boy: [ lifting rock ] I’ll get this one!

Big Joe: Okay, well, he’s skinny, okay…

Little Girl: [ grabbing largest rock ] I want to help!

Big Joe: Careful, little girl! Ohhhh, wowwww…

Brother: Hey, Big Joe? Maybe you can’t lift the rock because you’ve got some kind of bone disease!

Big Joe: Bone disease? Like what took my Pop?

Brother: Oh boy…

[ Dutch enters ]

Dutch: Hey there, Big Joe. Why don’t you have a seat. [ he removes his hat ] I’ll get the rest, Miss Sara.

Sara: The rest look pretty heavy, Dutch. You sure you can handle it?

Dutch: As sure as I am that you’re a vision.

Big Joe: I’ll do it!!

Sara: No, Joe — You’re tired.

Big Joe: No, I got a second wind!

Dutch: You’re looking mighty weak, Joe!

[ music sting ]

Big Joe: What did you say?

Dutch: Don’t mean no offense. You just looking very, very, very weak.

Big Joe: DON’T… NO-BODY… CALL… ME… WEEEEEEAAAKKKK!!

[ Big Joe squats down to the lift the rock, then remains in place as a series of sunsets and sunrises elapse ]

Sara: Joe?

Big Joe: [ standing ] I just can’t do it!

Sara: We know, Joe. Uh — Dutch and I are getting married today!

Big Joe: What about your brother?

Sara: He got out a while ago, Joe.

Big Joe: Oh.

Sara: He’s marrying us.

Brother: I got ordained!

Sara: Joe? Would you be our ring bearer?

Big Joe: Wellll… it’s not my first choice… but it would be my honor. [ Sara hands him the ring pillow, as he topples to the ground ] CAN’T DO IT!!

[ cut to all three men ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Well, his heart was big and his bones are brittle
But there ain’t nobody better on a fiddle!”

[ Big Joe lurches forward with a fiddle and squeaks out a tune ]

Big Joe: I can’t do it!

Together: [ singing ] “Big Joooooooooe!!”

[ iris out on Big Joe ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17

13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Flirty

Evan…..Kyle Mooney
Sara…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy…..Beck Bennett

[ open on Sara walking with groceries down apartment hallway ]

[ Evan steps out of his apartment ]

Evan: Oh… hey! Sara!

Sara: Heyyyy!

Evan: Nice to see you!

Sara: It’s so great to see you, too!

Evan: You look, um… AMAZING! As always!

Sara: Thank you!

Evan: I mean, I’m sorry… maybe I’m being too…

Sara: No, no, no! You look like maybe you’re going to the gym…

Evan: Oh… yeah! I gotta go… work out…

Sara: That’s not a surprise! It totally looks like you… work out! [ he laughs ] And you’ve got a great personality!

Evan: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah — Look who I’m talking to, huh! Miss Perfect. [ they laugh ] This might sound weird… uh… Would you ever want to maybe, like… I don’t know… get… you know… [ awkward pause ] more groceries…? Uh, uh… for you…

Sara: Uh… yeah…!

Evan: …’cause maybe you want to… go get some more…?

Sara: Oh…

Evan: …in case you run out…?

Sara: Yeah! O-of course! Um… you know what they say, um… “More food… more, uh… attitude.”

Evan: Yeah! I think I read that… on a… bumper… sticker… or something?

Sara: Okay.

Evan: I should go!

Sara: Uh… yeah. Of course.

Evan: See you, Sara.

Sara: Yeah. Yeah.

[ Evan shirks away, as Sara regrets the missed opportunity ]

[ dissolve to Evan washing his clothes at the laundromat, as Sara enters ]

Sara: Oh.

Evan: Oh… hey. Sara!

Sara: Hey!

Evan: [ holding his dirty underwear ] Oh. No! My… I got poop on my underwear!

Sara: Oh…

Evan: No, no, no! I’m not gonna lie to you!

Sara: [ laughing ] I feel like I always have… poop… on my underwear!

Evan: No!

Sara: Unavoidable!

Evan: Two… poos in a pod! [ they laugh ] Listen, Sara, uh… gosh, this is dumb! Uhhh… I… I just wanted you to know that… I really, really, really… REALLY… like… you… uuuuuth soccer…?

Sara: Oh! Oh… uh… me, too! Um… good for the kids, you know, to, uh…

Evan: Yeah!

Sara: …be out in the fresh air.

Evan: Yeah! Getting exercise, and, uh…

[ Sara leans in, as though closing in for a kiss, and then: ]

Sara: Sorry, uh… just have to get to this machine.

Evan: Yeah! I needed to, uh…

Sara: Yeah.

Evan: You know what? I think I left, uh… my… walllll… phone. My wall and my cell phone! I sound like an idiot!

Sara: And I… should go do laundry!

Evan: Yeah!

Sara: So… um…

Evan: I’ll see ya’!

[ dissolve to next day, as Sara walks down the hall ]

Evan: Sara! Wait! [ she turns ] Hey. I-I-I just gotta say this: Do you wanna go…?

[ suddenly, another Guy enters the hall ]

Guy: Hey, Sara! Do you wanna have sex with me right now?

Sara: Sure!

Guy: Awesome! I guess I’ll just go get set up and… give myself a boner.

Sara: Okay! Great! [ he exits ] Um… Evan? What were you… gonna ask me?

Evan: [ he shrugs ] Do you want to go on a date with me?

Sara: I… would LOVE to! Um… and, and… I don’t know, would you want to go on that date, um… tonight?

Evan: YES!! I mean… Yes. That would be awesome.

[ the guy reappears in the hallway ]

Guy: I’m ready NOW!!

Sara: Okay.

Guy: Come on! [ he exits into his apartment ]

Sara: Okay, well, uh… I’m just gonna go fuck this guy, and then… we’ll go on our date!

[ she follows into the other guy’s apartment ]

Evan: See ya’! [ to himself ] Yes! She’s going on a date… with me!

[ he jumps into the air ]

[ freeze-frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17

13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Goodnights

…..Anna Kendrick

Anna Kendrick: Thank you to Pharrell Williams, Hans Zimmer, Ikona Pop! Thank you, Lorne Michaels, and thanks to the cast! And Happy Birthday to Pharrell Williams!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17

13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Anna Kendrick’s Monologue

…..Anna Kendrick
…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Anna Kendrick!

Anna Kendrick: Thank you! Thank you SO much! It is SO exciting to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! I’ve done a lot of movies lately, but… actually, um, I got my start in the musical theater. When I was 10, my dad took me to see “Beauty and the Beast” on Broadway… and I just KNEW I wanted to be up there, so… to be here on this New York stage is so incredibly exciting. It just feels like something out of a storybook.

[ music pots up ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“SNL.
Can’t believe I’m hosting!
It’s a show
I’ve always adored..

SNL!
Full of lovely people
Coming up… to say:”

Taran Killam: Bonjour!

Kenan Thompson: Bonjour!

Kyle Mooney: Bonjour!

Sasheer Zamata: Bonjour!

Kate McKinnon: [ walking past ] Hello, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“There go the writers and the cast, like always
Rewriting scripts until the end.
Everyone must do their part!
For the show’s about to start!
And tonight will be so magical.”

Bobby Moynihan: Oh, hey, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Hi, Bobby! Don’t you just LOVE being on stage?

Bobby Moynihan: I mean… it’s more of a TV show…

Anna Kendrick: But it’s LIVE and it’s WONDERFUL, and YOU’RE wonderful!

Bobby Moynihan: Okay, you’ve got to pace yourself, girl!

Anna Kendrick: Okay, Bobby! Bye!

[ Kendrick walks past Vanessa Bayer and Kate McKinnon having their hair combed ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Look, there goes Anna and she’ll be great, no question!
She’s talented beyond compare!”

Kate McKinnon: [ with an Irish lilt ] “She can do an Irish lilt!”

Vanessa Bayer: [ with a Scottish brogue ] “She can do a Scottish brogue!”

Kate McKinnon: “Was that supposed to be a Scottish brogue?”

[ cut to Kendrick with Beck Bennett ]

Anna Kendrick: Bonjour!

Beck Bennett: Hello!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your costume!” [ she runs over to Cecily Strong ] “Bonjour!”

Cecily Strong: Hi there!

Anna Kendrick: “I love your face!” [ she runs to Aidy Bryant ]

Aidy Bryant: “My wig! My wig! My wig is missing!

Anna Kendrick: Have you checked the top of your own head?

[ Aidy nods and runs, as Taran Killam runs forward ]

Taran Killam: Ahhhh, Anna!

Anna Kendrick: Good evening, Taran! I wanted to tell you how much I like your part in that restaurant sketch!

Taran Killam: The one where I’m a waiter with no lines?

Anna Kendrick: Is that the one? It’s my FAVORITE part of the whole entire show!

Taran Killam: But I don’t say ANYTHING!

Anna Kendrick: That’s what makes you so great!

Taran Killam: [ chuckling ] Oh, well, thank you!

Anna Kendrick: No, thank YOU! Thank you SO much!

[ Kendrick runs off, as Aidy, Cecily and Kate join Taran ]

Together: [ singing ]
“Oh, there she goes, she’s full of wide-eyed wonder!
It’s her first time at SNL!
She’s a Tony nominee
and an Oscar nominee
I just hope she knows that we don’t pay that well!!”

[ Kendrick is worked over by make-up artists ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“Ohhhhhhhhhh, isn’t this amazing?
Who’d have ever thought that this could beeeeee?”

[ she stands behind Lorne Michaels, as he watches the cast on a monitor ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I’m herrrrrrrrrrre!
With Lorne Michaels watching…”

[ Lorne turns to reveal that he’s really on his cellphone ]

Anna Kendrick: [ singing ]
“I can tell that he’s really liking this and liking meeeeeee!”

[ she leans against Lorne’s back as he walks away ]

Cast: [ singing ]
“Look! Here she comes, it’s lovely Anna Kendrick!
And she is hosting SNL!
The rumor is a fact!
She’s singing and that’s that!
It’s gonna be a real good show!
A funny and an awesome show
A magical, exciting showwwwwwwww
Toniiiiiiiiiight!!”

Anna Kendrick: We have a great show for you tonight! Pharrell Williams is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Animal Hospital

Vet Nurse 1…..Cecily Strong
Vet Nurse 2…..Josh Hutcherson
Vet Nurse 3…..Kate McKinnon
Ms. Suitor…..Aidy Bryant
Anthony Denvers…..Kenan Thompson
Black Horse Owner…..Brooks Wheelan
Chesnut Horse Owner…..Noël Wells

[ exterior of an animal hospital, then fade to the interior office at the desk of some veterinary nurses ]

Vet Nurse 1: [ in a think southern accent ] Oh Lord. This is the longest day of my life, so far. Right?

Vet Nurse 2: [ in a flamboyant southern accent ] I know, y’all. I have got to get inserts for my shoes ‘cus my arches are just gonna collaaapse.

Vet Nurse 3: [in a low-key southern accent ] My arches have done so already.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, we have better get to work, y’all! [ snaps fingers ]

[ The vet nurses get out from behind the desk, carrying a clipboard ]

Vet Nurse 2: Alright. Let’s see here. Ms. Suitor? Ms. Suitor?

[ Ms. Suitor gets up from her chair to see them ]

Ms. Suitor: Yes, that’s me.

Vet Nurse 3: Now, you’re waitin’ on your pet turtle?

Ms. Suitor: Yes. Captain Whatnot.

Vet Nurse 1: Oh, your turtle’s so dang funny!

Ms. Suitor: Oh, he is the best.

Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, yesterday, he ate a piece of lettuce for like two hours. [ chuckles ]

Vet Nurse 2: That was so funny. Now, listen I’m gonna need you to fill out some forms here because your turtle is dead.

Ms. Suitor: Oh my God. Captain Whatnot is dead?

[ she takes a clipboard of forms ]

Vet Nurse 1: I’m so sorry. He died in the night. And doctor did everythin’ he could. We shot some pumps and stuff. He was on a machine for a little while. But then they had to turn that machine off.

Ms. Suitor: Wait but why did they turn it off?

Vet Nurse 2: Because they needed it for another turtle that was in worse shape than him.

Ms. Suitor: But my turtle died.

Vet Nurse 3: Yes, I do know. I’m so sorry. And if it makes you feel any better the other turtle did die as well.

Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we are beginning to think that we have something wrong with our turtle machine.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so we just need you to sign those papers.

Ms. Suitor: Okay but what are these papers for?

Vet Nurse 2: Basically just says that your turtle is dead and that you know that.

Vet Nurse 1: Right. So where it says “yeah, I know”, you just sign that.

Ms. Suitor: Okay, okay. Can I see my turtle?

Vet Nurse 1: Well dang, I wish you’d said somethin’ earlier ‘cus they already threw it away!

Ms. Suitor: What!?

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah. I guess you could just go out into the parking lot and scrounge around, see what you come up with.

Vet Nurse 3: We’re so sorry for your loss.

[ Ms. Suitor hands over the clipboard and rushes outside ]

Vet Nurse 1: Poor little thing.

Vet Nurse 2: Poor thing. Okay, now who is waiting on the bunny rabbit?

Anthony Denvers: [ rising from his chair ] Oh, uh, I was. That’s me.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, so are you Anthony Denvers?

Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.

Vet Nurse 3: And you’re waiting on your pet bunny rabbit, Tiffany Denvers?

Anthony Denvers: Yes, I am.

Vet Nurse 1: Well, Tiffany’s such a cute name! Good for you!

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, it is.

Anthony Denvers: Thank you. I thought it up.

Vet Nurse 3: She has such cute floppy ears.

Anthony Denvers: She does. I almost named her floppy.

Vet Nurse 2: Aww, that is cute. As of 10am this morning she has been dead.

Anthony Denvers: What?! [ looks at his watch ] Wha- It’s almost four! I’ve been sitting here for six hours! I just brought her in to have her teeth cleaned!

Vet Nurse 1: Oh, we know but she had a reaction to the cleaning paste.

Vet Nurse 2: Yeah, but don’t you worry she went very peacefully after she screamed for about an hour.

Anthony Denvers: [ extremely upset ] My Tiffany…

Vet Nurse 1: I know. It’s very sad.

Vet Nurse 3: Tiffany just kept having more and more reactions to things.

Vet Nurse 1: And they were just all negative in nature.

Vet Nurse 2: Mm hmm. Now, I just need you to sign this form for us, please.

[ he hands Mr. Denvers the clipboard ]

Anthony Denvers: What is this?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay, that”s just a form that says your rabbit is dead and you know it.

Vet Nurse 2: Now, where it says “pet status”, I’m gonna need you to write the word “dead”.

Vet Nurse 1: And then just right next to that “dead” where it says “Do you know this?” You’re gonna fill in the bubble under the “yes”.

Anthony Denvers: Well, where is she now?

Vet Nurse 3: She is either on top of or below a dead turtle.

Anthony Denvers: Oooh, my Tiffany!

[ Mr. Denvers quickly leaves after handing back the clipboard ]

Vet Nurses: Thank you, sir. Thank you. Poor thing. Oh my God.

Vet Nurse 2: Okay, now who is waiting on a big horse?

Black Horse Owner: [ getting up from his seat ] Hi. I am.

Vet Nurse 3: Okay, well there is two. There’s a one’s a great, big black one. And the other is a smaller, chestnut one.

Vet Nurse 1: And the smaller one is dead.

[ a girl in the waiting room looks up from her magazine ]

Chesnut Horse Owner: Scott is dead?! Oh!

[ she runs out of the room crying ]

Vet Nurse 2: Wha… Well, she didn’t sign our form.

Vet Nurse 1: Yeah, I think you can do it online anyway.

Vet Nurse 2: Okay.

Black Horse Owner: So, my big, black horse is okay?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay well, hang on. Let me look at the notes. [ grabs the clipboard ] Okay it says “he is responding to the medicine and doin’ well” so…

Vet Nurse 2: That’s good but there is that big orange sticker that says “dead”.

Vet Nurse 1: Oh yes.

Vet Nurse 3: Well, which one do we go by?

Vet Nurse 1: Okay so the sticker always overrides the note, so he is dead.

Vet Nurse 3: He is dead. Okay, if it makes you feel any better he had a real peaceful look on his face right before he exploded.

Black Horse Owner: This is the worst animal hospital in town!

[ he storms out ]

Vet Nurse 2: Yes, we know that. Our Yelps are terrible.

Vet Nurse 3: Yeah, we got somethin’ like zero stars.

[ Mr. Denvers and Ms. Suitor walk in with their pets ]

Ms. Suitor: My turtle is alive!

Anthony Denvers: And so is my Tiffany!

Vet Nurse 1: Oh my gosh.

Vet Nurse 2: Well… call me a dead uncle’s monkey.

Vet Nurse 3: Just so you know, we do still have to cremate them.

Vet Nurse 1: That’s true, ‘cus you filled out the form.

Anthony Denvers: We’re getting out of here!

Vet Nurse 3: Okay but please do not Yelp about this.

Vet Nurse 1: Okay. you know what, let’s go on break. I am tired of havin’ people bitch about everythin’. Let’s just get on out of here.

Vet Nurse 2: Where y’all wanna go? You wanna hit that new potato bar?

Vet Nurse 3: Ooh! I could not say yes fast enough.

Vet Nurse 1: I am gettin’ a set potato and a vodka.

Vet Nurse 2: Oh, gurl…

[ the veterinary nurses all walk off-screen ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Best Buy Firing

Todd…..Josh Hutcherson
Dana…..Cecily Strong
Niff…..Bobby Moynihan
Dylan…..Jay Pharoah
Rosie…..Kate McKinnon
Beth…..Aidy Bryant
Drew…..Beck Bennett
Jessica…..Vanesa Bayer
Grace…..Nasim Pedrad
Edward…..Mike O’Brien
Mandrew…..Taran Killam
Randy…..Kenan Thompson
Ben…..Brooks Wheelan

[ shot of a Best Buy store, then fade to the interior of a Best Buy back room ]

Todd: Okay everybody, team meeting please! Quick team meeting! I, uh, I have some bad news. We were a little overzealous in our Black Friday hiring and we’re overstaffed this season so unfortunately-

Niff: Oh, yeah right!

Dana: Oh please! You overstaffed?! Let me guess, by two?

Niff: Yeah we know you firin’ us! ‘Cus all these ugly-ass mugs keep complainin’!

Dana: Planet of the apes-lookin’ bitches!

[ cut to a large group of Best Buy staff ]

Niff: You stupid-ass apes!

Todd: I, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d love to really just really get through this, really quickly if I-

Niff: Not listening, Todd! Because if we goin’ out, then we goin’ out on top like Breaking Bad!

Dana: So, please direct your attention over to Dylan!

[ cut to an annoyed and confused looking Dylan ]

Niff: Ooh! Dylan! Why is your phone so damn big?! I mean the dummy got a 96 inch flat screen on his belt!

Dana: What you need that phone for?! Are you trying to take a picture of Rosie’s big-ass neck tattoo?

[ cut to Rosie who who has a dark-purple splotch on her neck ]

Rosie: It’s a birthmark.

Niff: Uhh, no. It’s a *bitch* mark!

Dana: Because you were put on this earth to be a bitch.

[ Dana and Niff do a little dance to that insult ]

Niff: Oooooh! You a bitch.

Todd: Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It’s not helping anybody.

Niff: Oh, speaking of not helping, look at these jacked up fools!

[ cut to three black-shirted employees of Best Buy’s “Geek Squad” ]

Niff: The Geek Squad? Woof! More like… the Geek Squad!

Dana: And he didn’t have to change that one!

Niff: No and can’t you see that no one needs you anymore? Or is you blind?

[ Dana pulls out a plastic recorder and plays ‘Three Blind Mice’ ]

Niff: [ singing to the tune of ‘Three Blind Mice’ ] Three blind bitches! Three blind bitches! See how they suck! See how they suck! One is a bitch with dirty hair! And one is a bitch who doesn’t care!

Dana: [ finishes the lyric ] And one has bad skin.

Todd: Dana, Niff, please stop.

Dana: Ooh, but how can we stop when it’s time to play the Pyramid!

Niff: Ooh! That’s my favorite! [ plays some game show music from his phone ]

Dana: [ giving hints ] Okay, stupid face.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Can’t read.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Uh, stank breath.

Niff: Oh, that’s that trash pile, Beth.

[ cut to Beth ]

Beth: Okay, that hurt but thanks for not bringing up my adult braces.

Niff: Oh come on, Beth. I mean, we’re not monsters!

Dana: Yeah, we have a heart!

Todd: Guys this is getting a little weird for everyone.

Dana: Oh, no. Speaking of weird. Drew! Have you eaten Cheetos today?

[ cut to Drew who has some orange smudging around his mouth ]

Drew: Mm… no.

Niff: What about Doritos?

Drew: No.

Niff: Then why on earth is your mouth so orange?!

Dana: You look like you were face-deep in Garfield’s butt!

Niff: I mean, leave that cat alone!

Dana: It’s a Monday!

Todd: It is a little strange, Drew.

Dana: No, no. no. Which brings us to this motor mouth.

Niff: [ makes a blub sound with his fingers on his lips ] Jessica! We are sick and tired of hearing about how you was that baby Jessica that fell down that well!

[ cut to Jessica ]

Jessica: I am baby Jessica.

Dana: Well, now you work at Best Buy!

Niff: Yeah! You was better off in the well!

Todd: [ trying not to laugh ] That’s enough! Really, it’s not-

Niff: Oh, enough? Well you obviously talkin’ to Grace!

Dana: Yeah, we all know you wear butt pads to make your butt look good!

[ Cut to Grace sitting down ]

Grace: Actually, I don’t.

Niff: Oh. Well, damn girl.

Dana: Good on you.

Niff: Nice!

Todd: Well, that’s, that’s very nice.

Dana: No! Now, where’s that freak bitch, Edward?

Niff: Yeah, where he?

[ cut to Edward who has stringy hair and long nails ]

Dana: Cut ya nails! Nobody cares if you’re a classical guitarist! We work at Best Buy! To us, you’re just like Edward Scissorhands.

Niff: Yeah!

[ Niff climbs onto a stool and starts sprinkling confetti under a spinning Dana, presumably re-enacting an Edward Scissorhands scene ]

Niff: Sorry, I got weird fingers, Winona Ryder!

Edward: Okay, you had that snow in your pocket. You clearly planned this.

Niff: Oh, and by the way, Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone?

[ cut to Mandrew with his bowl haircut and creepy smile ]

Niff: I mean, you follow us from job to job! I guess we just have to accept the fact that you will kill us one day.

Dana: Yeah, what are you gonna kill, one of us? Both of us? What’s the plan?

[ Mandrew simply shrugs and continues to smile creepily ]

Todd: That was unsettling.

Dana: No. What’s unsettling is Randy’s hair color!

Niff: Yeah. I mean, you look like Ronald McDonald!

[ cut to Randy with a bright red afro ]

Randy: Who’s Ronald McDonald?

[ Niff just shakes his head in exasperation ]

Dana: Hey, Ben. you’re stupid. You like magic?

[ cut to Ben who nods and sounds a bit stoned ]

Ben: Huh. Yeah, yeah. How did you know?

Dana: You wanna watch us turn one bitch into three bitches?

Niff: Ooohhh [ he aims a camcorder at Ben ] Look at that!

[ Ben’s face appears on the three monitors beside them and Ben laughs, sounding impressed ]

Niff: It’s magic, bitch.

Ben: I can’t believe that. That was great!

[ Niff turns off the camcorder and rolls his eyes, groaning ]

Todd: Guys, look, I know that Dylan is a bitch, that Rosie sucks, and Drew loves Garfield’s butt. I get it. Everybody knows that. It’s a fact. But you’re not getting fired. Mandrew is, okay?

[ Mandrew suddenly pops up behind Todd ]

Todd: Where is Mandrew? [ after a pause ] He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?

Niff: Ooh. Well, so long, Todd. You was a great manager and you wadn’t even big a’bitch.

Dana: Good meeting, y’all. I’ll catch you on the flip.

[ Niff and Dana start to dance while Mandrew drags Todd’s chloroformed body away ]

Niff: Yo, sorry guys, you all gettin’ fired. Yo, rest in peace, Todd!

[ fade out on Best Buy store ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Office Boss

Mitchell…..Kenan Thompson
Craig…..Josh Hutcherson
Richard Patterson…..Beck Bennett
Assistant…..Brooks Wheelan
CFO…..Taran Killam
Photographer…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open in Richard Patterson’s office, as new hire Craig entors with Mitchell ]

Mitchell: And, last but not least, this is Mr. Patterson’s office.

Craig: Look at the size of this place…

Mitchell: Well, Mr. Patterson is the CEO of the fastest-growing financial start-up in history. so I think he’s earned it.

Craig: Yeah, I know. I’m actually really nervous to meet him.

Mitchell: Oh, you’ll be fine. There’s just a few things you should know about him: He has the I.Q. of a genius, he loves fantasy football… [ quickly ] and he has the body of baby.

Craig: [ confused ] What was the last one?

Mitchell: Shh! Not now! He’s almost off the phone!

[ reveal Richard Patterson sitting on the floor behind a short desk, with his bare feet clapping against one another ]

Richard Patterson: Alright! Pleasure talking to you as always, Bob. You take care now. Alright. [ he tries to hang up the phone by repeatedly slapping the receiver ]

Mitchell: Mr. Patterson, uh, this is your new assistant Craig.

Craig: Hello, Sir, uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

[ Craig extends his hand, which Mr. Patterson grabs awkwardly and attempts to balance from before sucking it ]

Mitchell: You, as well! I’ve heard nothing but excellent things about you.’

Craig: Thank you, Sir. [ to Mitchell ] Hey, Mitchell? Could I talk to you for just one second?

Mitchell: Oh, sure. What could this possibly be about? [ he smirks ]

Craig: How am I supposed to work with this guy?

Mitchell: What do you mean? Mr. Patterson is the most brilliant financial mind of our generation.

[ Mr. Patterson pounds his keyboard with his hands ]

Craig: I know, I know… but I wasn’t expecting, uh… I wasn’t expecting this.

Richard Patterson: Hey, Craig! Could you hand me those Third Quarter reports on the coffee table over there?

Craig: Uh… Yes, sir, uh… what do they look like?

Richard Patterson: You know what? Maybe it’ll just be faster if I come to you.

Craig: Are you sure?

Richard Patterson: Absolutely. [ he stands up awkwardly, smashing his face against the phone ] It’s your first day, after all. [ he takes uncoordinated and unbalanced baby steps across the room ] And I know all this paperwork can be a little confusing. [ he flings the papers around and pounds on the coffee table ] But… you’ll learn to get the hang of it. [ he grabs a folder and flings it back and forth in his hands ] Nooo, that’s not it! [ he drops it and grabs another folder ] Here it is, right here. [ he puts the folder in his mouth and slobbers on it ]

Craig: Is that all you wanted it for?

Richard Patterson: Yes! Thank you very much! [ he flings the folder back on the coffee table, nearly losing his balance ]

[ Assistant enters ]

Assistant: Hey, Mr. Patterson! I have your lunch right here.

Richard Patterson: Excellent! I’ll take it on the floor.

Assistant: Alright. [ he places the tray on the floor, then exits ]

Richard Patterson: Great! [ to Craig ] Please join me and tell me a little about yourself. [ he plops himself down ]

Craig: Okay, um… Well, I, uh… I grew up in Seattle…

Richard Patterson: [ playing with his spaghetti ] Ahhh, love it!

Craig: But, I-I I moved to the East Coast when I got accepted into Yale.

Richard Patterson: Oh, Yale! I, uh… I think I’ve heard of it. [ he rubs and pounds the spaghetti on his head ]

Craig: and now, I’m just looking for some… some… [ Mr. Patterson flings spaghetti at his face ] some real world, uh, financial experience.

Richard Patterson: Oh, that’s very smart! [ he blows on his spaghetti ]

[ CFO enters ]

CFO: Hey, Richard? Do you have a minute to go over a few things?

Richard Patterson: I always have time for my favorite CFO!

CFO: [ he laughs ] Okay, on 2! [ he lifts Mr. Patterson into his arms ] Now, uh… as you know, I’m meeting the Board of Directors this afternoon.

Richard Patterson: Uh-huh, I’m aware. [ he feeds spaghetti into the CFO’s mouth ]

CFO: Basically, I did some cost analysis and I’m gonna recommend that we go public in… honestly, about 6 to 8 months.

Richard Patterson: [ rubbing spaghetti into the CFO’s hair ] Alright, alright… excellent!

CFO: Well, thanks, Richard. I do appreciate that. Are we still on for tennis later?

Richard Patterson: Noooo, I can’t! My foot’s killing me, I banged it up yesterday.

CFO: Oh, no…

Craig: Oh, uh… do you want me to kiss it and make it better? I…

Richard Patterson: What?! No! I’m an adult man!

Craig: My mistake…

CFO: Oh, uh, one last thing, Richard: The photographer from Forbes is here to take your picture.

[ the Photographer enters ]

Photographer: Hello, sir! Is now a good time?

Richard Patterson: [ climbing down from the CFO’s shoulders ] Uhhhh, yes, but let’s make it quick. I have a meeting with a major Japanese investor at 10:00. Fingers crossed! [ he crosses his fingers, then intertwines them with all his other fingers ]

Photographer: Okay, just look at the camera, Sir! Okay? Alright, over here? Please?

Richard Patterson: [ facing and leaning in the wrong direction ] Over where? Where do you want me to look? ‘Cause, I have to say, I can’t find the camera!

Photographer: Over here. Sir? Can you…?

CFO: Richard… Richard…

Craig: [ holding up his keys and jingling them ] Mr. Patterson! Follow the keys!

Richard Patterson: Oh! Oh, I hear the keys! I hear the keys!

Craig: Over here!

Richard Patterson: [ turning around ] Oh, oh! There it is! I see it. Hey! Great work with the keys, Craig! [ he slaps his legs repeatedly ] I like it. I think you’ll fit in just fine here.

Craig: Thank you, Sir. That means a lot.

Photographer: Okay, Richard: Smile for the camera… and 3, 2, 1… [ she snaps the picture ]

[ cut to Forbes magazine cover: “Look Who’s A Big Boy In The World Of Finance” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Investigative Report

Winston Sam Bass…..Mike O’Brien
Lance Sam Bass…..Josh Hutcherson

[ open on Winston Sam Bass, Investigative Reporter standing on the street ]

Winston Sam Bass: Good afternoon! You know how, when you see bugs, they’re always running? You ever wanted to ask them: “Where the heck do YOU gotta be?” Tonight, we DO! [ he imitates tense action music ]

[ play foottage of Winston searching high and low for bugs ]

[ SUPER: “Bugs: Where The Heck Do You Gotta Be?” ]

[ cut to roach running across the pavement ]

Winston Sam Bass: This guy IS bookin’! Sir! Can I ask: What’s the rush?! [ he thrusts his microphone toward the roach ] He’s not talking.

[ cut to any running across a wall ]

Winston Sam Bass: Sir, can I ask you something? Where you headed? What’s the rush? Where’s the fire? He’s not talking… [ the ants fall off the wall ] Oh! He just jumped! I didn’t touch him, you saw it, he just jumped!

Winston Sam Bass V/O: It seemed like my day was gonna be longer than anticipated.

[ cut to a bug running across the sidewalk ]

Winston Sam Bass: Sir! Do you see these cameras? Yuo’re on TV! [ the bug keeps running ] This guy’s a fuckin’… [ he jumps to his feet as the bug runs under his leg ] Aghhh!!

Winston Sam Bass V/O: I was having NO dumb luck with these gringos… so I went up north to Spanish Harlem, to see if I couldn’t shake some trees.

[ cut to Spanish roach running across the sidewalk ]

Winston Sam Bass: Senor! Senor! Un quetunto, por favor. Where are you going, sir? Senor? Un poco momento, thank you! This guy’s wise to me — Cut it!

[ cut to Winston standing alone ]

Winston Sam Bass: And now, for a special report, let’s send it over to my little brother Lance!

[ roll footage of the two brothers mingling on the street ]

Lance Sam Bass: Hey, I’m Lance Sam Bass! I love you so much, Bro! Today, we’re gonna be talking to some bugs! [ to a slug ] Excuse me, Ma’am, can you tell us where you’re going, please? [ as the slug: ] “I’m going to the supermarket!” Well, you heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen — this bug is going to the supermarket!

[ return to Winston Sam Bass ]

Winston Sam Bass: Wow! first try, and he got one to talk! That’s, uh… beginner’s luck, I guess! Uh, 16 years my junior, uh… [ he notices a fire engine siren drowning him out ]

[ cut to Winston Sam Bass leaning over another fast bug ]

Winston Sam Bass: Whoa, look at THIS fat ass! Sir, let me guess: Are you headed back for seconds? Oom-baba, oom-baba… Hey, maybe we could add some tuba music. [ tuba music plays over bug ] Or play him in reverse, and do a ?? noise. [ truck beep-beep plays over bug in reverse ] I don’t know… naybe I shouldn’t have done that. I used to be a lot bigger, I’ve lost a lot of weight. [ he sits down and cries ] Cut it.

[ cut to Winston eating out of the trash ]

Winston Sam Bass V/O: Though, as it turned out, my day was longer than I anticipated.

[ cut back to Winston Sam Bass ]

Winston Sam Bass: Well, that’s our show. Did you like it? I’m not sure that I did… For one thing, we never did find out where bugs are going. Whatever it is, I hope it’s for the betterment of all bugkind. Call me a hopeless romantic… call me a dummy… Just don’t… call me a dummy. [ he chokes up ] Actually… I don’t like it, my dad used to call me a dummy. [ he cries ] Cut it. Cut it. I want to try one more where I don’t cry…

[ cut to BUGS card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Girlfriends Talk Show

Kyra…..Cecily Strong
Morgan….Aidy Bryant
Trevor Masterson….Josh Hutcherson

[ open on theme montage ]

Theme Song:
“Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout guys and stuff!
Girlfriends talkin’ ’bout cute guys and clothes!
Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ dissolve to Morgan and Kyra on set ]

Kyra: Oh, my God, hi. [ waves ]

Morgan: Hi! And welcome to “Girlfriends Talk Show”.

Kyra: I’m Kyra to the max!

Morgan: And I’m the most Morgan I can be right now.

Kyra: And we’re BFFs.

Morgan: Yeah. We’re such BFFs that we finish each other’s…

Kyra: Awesome.

Morgan: …Sentences.

Kyra: Totally.

Morgan: Well, we have a great show for you. We’re doing it all on our own today.

Kyra: No, we’re not. I invited Trevor Masterson.

Morgan: You what!? He’s, like, the cutest boy in school. How could you do this to me?

Kyra: Awesome. Let’s bring him out.

[ Trevor walks on set, waving to everyone before sitting down ]

Trevor: Hey. Hey Kyra, hi Morgan.

Morgan: Oh my God, he knows my name!

Trevor: Yeah, of course I do.

Morgan: [ kind of hyperventilating ] Aaaaahhh!

Trevor: You have a really cool show. I don’t know if I’m, I mean, I don’t know if I’m *that* cute, though. I have been working out lately. [ he clumsily tries to show off his arm ]

Kyra: Yeah. [ Morgan starts sort of nervously gaping and swallowing ] Morgan, your mouth is wide open. Why are you making that face?

Morgan: Aaahhoooohh… [ she awkwardly raises her arms ] I guess I was just yawning. Because I’m so chill with whatever’s happening right now.

Kyra: Trevor’s on the school soccer team and in the male a capella group called ‘Fourtisibros’. Morgan goes to every show ‘cus he’s her secret crush.

Morgan: No he’s not! Kyra! Why would I go to someone’s show just because they’re, like, super foiiine.

[ Trevor smiles at Morgan and she laughs a bit nervously ]

Kyra: Whatever. Why don’t you do one of your songs for us, Trevor?

Trevor: Uh yeah, sure. But, I mean, it might sound kinda weird without the other guys here. [ he steels himself and sings in a low-pitch ] Baaaaaaaaaaa… You don’t know you’re beautiful.

Kyra: That’s nice.

Trevor: It sounds so much better with all the other guys. [ he shrugs ] I mean… big difference.

Kyra: So awesome. Okay. First topic.

Morgan: [ pulls up some fuchsia tights ] Fashion tights!

Trevor: Parties.

Kyra: [ pointing at Trevor, matter-of-fact ] Parties.

Morgan: What? When did you guys change the topic?

Kyra: Yesterday.

Morgan: [ dismayed ] How do you guys even know each other so well?

Kyra: I met Trevor at Tara’s party.

Trevor: Yeah, it was radical. We played spin the bottle and I kept making it land on Becky Weathers.

Morgan: Becky Weathers? She’s a witch with a “b” in front! She’s always taking unflattering photos of me and texting them to my phone when she knows I have very limited texting!

Kyra: Yeah. Morgan has a fave five family plan. It just has her mom’s number, me, her dad, Domino’s Pizza, and 911.

Trevor: Why is 911 in your five faves?

Morgan: Um, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m allergic to bees. I mean, it’s not their fault. I’m just, I’m always reaching for them. [ she mimes “reaching for bees” ]

Kyra: Awesome.

Trevor: That’s so weird. I love it.

Morgan: You do?

Trevor: Yeah.

Morgan: Um, you know there’s a study somewhere that uh, weird people are the best at romantic bed time for private, under the sheet, fantasy moments. [ she bobs her head and sticks out her tongue a bit… possibly trying to look sexy ]

Kyra: What are you doing?

Morgan: I don’t know!

Kyra: Morgan, what are you even talking about? That’s not for you. Where did that even come from?

Morgan: I don’t know! I think I might be entering womanhood *right now*!

Trevor: [ claps his hands and laughs ] That’s hilarious! You’re so much funnier than Becky Weathers!

Morgan: [ surprised and hopeful ] Really?

Trevor: Yeah! You know I feel like I could hang out with you all day and laugh. And then just go see her at night and, like, have a make-out sesh.

Morgan: …What kind of hell am I in right now?

Kyra: Awesome. Next topic.

Trevor: Selfies!

Morgan: Miniature Christmas villages! [ she pulls out a miniature Christmas village ]

Kyra: No. Selfies. We changed that.

[ Trevor picks up his cell phone and tries to take a selfie ]

Morgan: What? Why? My self isn’t so self-involved. Also my phone doesn’t even have a camera.

Kyra: Oh wait, Trevor. Remember that selfie Tara took that we laughed so hard about? [ she starts giggling ]

Trevor: [ laughing ] Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she accidentally sent it to her school bus driver. I remember.

Kyra: That was *so* funny.

Trevor: We laughed so hard about that.

Morgan: [ moving into the frame to join Trevor and Kyra ] Ahahahaha! Oh man, Kyra. Remember when we went to Panera and I accidentally dropped my sandwich and all the ingredients went everywhere?

Kyra: Yeah.

Morgan: Yeah, remember how hard we laughed at that?

Kyra: I remember the people that worked there laughed and I just watched you clean up your sandwich. It made me sad.

Morgan: God. Kyra, can you just please work with me! I’m not like you. I’m fighting for my life out here! You *have* a boyfriend!

Kyra: I know. And my boyfriend’s older. The other day he asked me to go sit at a fountain and eat a to-go box of fully loaded beef nachos. While he watched with his opera glasses from a nearby restaurant. When I finished my nachos, he drove by in a car and threw a note out the window. It said “great job”. [ shakes her head in amusement ] My boyfriend’s crazy!

Trevor: Sounds kinda cool to me.

Morgan: Trevor, I love you!

Trevor: What?

Morgan: Oh my God, what have I done!?

Kyra: Awesome. Well join us next time. Later, bye!

[ they all wave goodbye ]

Theme Song: “Girlfriends Talk Show!”

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts