Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Arcade Fire performs “The Last Time”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Arcade Fire

[ open on a capella group harmonizing at Home Base ]

A Capella Group: [ singing ]
“This may — this may be the last time
Ohhhhhh, maybe.
This may be the last time
This may be the last time
May be the last time
I don’t knowwwwwwww!”

[ camera pans over to the musical guest stage ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
You don’t try very hard to please me
With what you know, it should be easy.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I’m sorry, girl, but I can’t stay
Feelin’ like I do today
It’s too much pain and too much sorrow
Guess I’ll feel the same tomorrow.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!”

[ instrument break ]

“This could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no! Oh no!

Well, I told you once and I told you twice
But ya never listen to my advice
But here’s a chance to change your mind
‘Cause I’ll be gone a long, long time.

Well, this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don’t know!
Oh no.

This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!
This could be the last time
Well, I don’t know!”

Arcade Fire! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger with Foo Fighters performs “19th Nervous Breakdown” and “It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Foo Fighters

Jason Sudeikis: Ladies and gentlemen — Mick Jagger and Foo Fighters.

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“You’re the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs
Center of a crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs
Well, it seems to me that you have seen too much in too few years
And though you’ve tried, you just can’t hide, your eyes are edged with tears.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!

When you were a child, you were treated kind, but you were never brought up right
And you were always spoiled with a thousand toys, but still you cried all night
Your mother who neglected you owes a million dollars tax
And your father’s still perfecting ways of making sealant wax.

You better stop, look around
Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes! Here it comes!
Here comes your nineteenth nervous breakdown!
Ohhhh, who’s to blame?
That girl’s just insane
Well, nothing I do don’t seem to work
It only seems to make the matters worse!
Oh, plea-ea-ea-ease!”

Now!

“If I could dig down deep in my heart
Feelings would flood on the page
Would it satisfy ya? Would it slide on by ya?
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?

If I could win ya, if I could sing ya
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried? Would I cry?
And I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, well, I like it… I like it… I like it.

I said can’t you see that this old boy has been lonely?
And if I could stick that knife in my heart
Suicide right on the stage
Would it help to ease your pain? Ease your pain?
I said I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it.Yeah!

And do ya think that you’re the only girl around?
I bet you think that you’re the only woman in town.

[ instrument break ]

I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!
Oh, I like it… I like it… I like it… I like it.”

Dave Grohl & Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it!
I know it’s only rock ‘n roll but I like it, like it, yes I do!”

Mick Jagger: Foo Fighters, everybody! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

Mick Jagger and Jeff Beck perform “Tea Party”

…..Mick Jagger
…..Jeff Beck

Mick Jagger: My roots are in Blues music. I love the Blues because, in any era, the Blues talk about what’s on people’s minds. So here’s some Blues that I wrote about the presidential election. And here’s a man who can really play the Blues like nobody else — Jeff! Beck!

[ dissolve to Jeff Beck wailing on his electric guitar, as Jagger comes forward and playfull hogs the stage ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“If you want to sleep in the West Wing
Yeah, you got to strategize a bit.
Yeah, you want to sleep in the West Wing
You want to keep that private bowling alley
You got to strategize a bit.
Yeah, you’re gonna have to raise about a hundred million dollars
Or you’re gonna end up so deep down in the shit!

Yeah!
Mr. Romney, you know, he’s a mensch
But he always plays it straight up there.
Yeah!
Mr. Romney, he’s a hard workin’ man!
And he always says his prayers.
Yeah, but there’s one little thing about him
Don’t ever let him cut your hair!”

[ instrument break ]

Mick Jagger: [ singing ]
“Who’ll be the president come November?
Well, it’s anybody’s guess.
That’s right!
Who’ll be sitting in the Oval Office?
Who can say?
I must confess.I betcha, betcha six months, he’ll be screaming
“Won’t you let me outta this mess?!”

Jeff Beck!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

She’s a Rainbow / Goodnights

…..Mick Jagger
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Arcade Fire
…..Jay Pharoah
…..Taran Killam
…..Bobby Moynihan
…..Nasim Pedrad
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Vanessa Bayer
…..Abby Elliott
…..Bill Hader
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Seth Meyers
…..Fred Armisen
…..Jason Sudeikis
…..Andy Samberg
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on exterior, high school building ]

[ dissolve to interior, Home Base stage made to look like mock auditorium setting during Graduation ]

Mick Jagger: Well, another year has come and gone, and I just want to say how proud I am of this graduating class!

[ the cast, dressed in caps and gowns, cheer themselves on ]

Mick Jagger: Many of you are moving on to college, but I’d like to take a moment to say goodbye to one particular student who is leaving this summer — to become a nun. Kristen! [ Bobby Moynihan stands ] No, sorry — the other Kristen. Could you come up here, please?

[ looking somewhat surprised, Kristen Wiig stands and approaches Jagger, as the audience goes nuts ]

Mick Jagger: You’ve meant quite a lot to us, over this past seven years. [ whispering to the audience ] She got held back! [ to Kristen ] So our Music Department got together, and prepared a song to say goodbye. This one’s… for you

[ Arcade Fire and Andy Samberg begin to play “She’s a Rainbow”, as Kristen removes her cap and pulls off her gown to reveal a short white dress and begins to dance and twirl with Jagger ]

[ Jay Pharoah comes forward to dance with Kristen ]

[ Taran Killam comes forward to dance with Kristen ]

[ Bobby Moynihan comes forward to dance with Kristen ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ Nasim Pedrad, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer and Abby Elliott collectively come forward to surround Kristen and collectively kiss her on both cheeks ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“Have you seen her all in gold
Like a queen in days of old
She shoots colors all around
Like a sunset going down
Have you seen the lady fairer?”

[ Bill Hader steps forward to dance with Kristen ]

[ Kenan Thompson comes forward to twirl Kristen around and hug her ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She comes in colors everywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ Seth Meyers comes forward to dance comically with Kristen ]

[ Fred Armisen comes forward to dance in a circle with Kristen ]

[ Jason Sudeikis somberly steps forward to dance slowly with Kristen, as she rubs his back before he silently joins the rest of the cast ]

[ Andy Samberg comes forward, picks Kristen up and swings her around playfully, as she tries to keep the bottom of her skirt from riding up ]

Arcade Fire: [ singing ]
“She’s like a rainbow
Coming colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors.”

[ finally, even the Old Man, Lorne Michaels, steps forward to dance cheek-to-cheek with Kristen, then disappear offstage ]

Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”

[ by this time, the stage presence grows with the likes of Steve Martin, Chris Kattan, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Chris Parnell, Will Forte, Jon Hamm, Foo Fighters and Jeff Beck ]

Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!”

Mick Jagger: Thank you! Arcade Fire, Foo Fighters, Jeff Beck, Steve Martin, Jon Hamm. Have a great summer, everybody!

Everyone: [ singing ]
“Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you.

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I’m gonna miss you…”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 22

11v: Mick Jagger

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Chris Parnell

[ SUPER: “An SNL Digital Short” ]

[ open on scenes of New York City ]

[ SUPER: “Chris Parnell” ]

[ SUPER: “Andy Samberg” ]

[ SUPER: “Lazy Sunday 2” ]

[ cut to Andy Samberg jumping out of bed ]

Andy Samberg:
“Lazy Sunday
Slept right through my alarm!
Activate Siri and say
‘Call Parn!'”

[ cut to Chris Parnell working out at the gym ]

Chris Parnell:
“Who dis?”

Andy Samberg:
“It’s me, man!”

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, Samberg, kick facts!”

Andy Samberg:
“Tonight is the night!”

Chris Parnell:
“Broadway!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“The show’s not ’til later!”

Chris Parnell:
“Let’s merc some brunch!”

Andy Samberg:
“I know a cute French place!”

Chris Parnell:
“Meet me outside — Crunch!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris meeting on a city street ]

Chris Parnell:
“My core is ripped
That workout was trill!”

Andy Samberg:
“Man, I can almost taste
those mimosas for real!”

Chris Parnell:
“They’re makin’ changes at three
We’d better start jammin’!”

Andy Samberg:
“I love that brunch
more than McAdams loves Channing!”

[ image of Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum appears ]

[ jump-cuts to Andy and Chris jumping off steps ]

Chris Parnell:
“Dub step!”

[ more jump-cuts of Andy and Chris jumping off steps ]

[ cut to Andy and Chris at brunch ]

Chris Parnell:
“2:59!”

Andy Samberg:
“Made it on a technicality!”

Chris Parnell:
“Eggs benedict!”

Andy Samberg:
“No yolk!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Less calories!”

Chris Parnell:
“The plating is cray
I detect sage butter!”

Andy Samberg:
“How you wanna pay, Chris?”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Go Dutch, motherfucker!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Buck wild in the streets
Off a sixer pack!”

[ they hold up a six-pack of Tab ]

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“We go to Sister Act
Like we got racks on racks!
‘Cause once you buy ‘em
You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg: Yo, hold up, hold up! Hey, yo, Chris — we’re gonna have to hit ‘em with some new mish for 2012, my dude! So why don’t you drop it on ‘em — like right now?

[ the rap styling shifts ]

Chris Parnell:
“Allow me to reintroduce myself
My name is Parns
P to A-arns
Stupid bargains
up at all the Pottery Barns!”

Andy Samberg:
“Young Sandwich and I came to catch reck
Still waitin’ on a fucking YouTube check
Don’t mess with Magnolia ’cause the line’s too long!”

Chris Parnell:
“Plus it bumps with my clip!”

Andy Samberg:
“Now back to the song!”

[ return to the older rap style ]

Chris Parnell:
“Yo, peep the marquee!”

Andy Samberg:
“They some funny ass nuns!”

Chris Parnell:
“We got 99 problems!

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“But this sitch ain’t one!”

Chris Parnell:
“Sneak in the flask
Filled with sweet Vermouth!”

Andy Samberg:
“We take more shots in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Than John Wilkes Booth!!”

Chris Parnell:
“Flip up binocs!”

Andy Samberg:
“‘Cause we’re cultural mavens!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like dem and we scream out:”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“That’s so Raven!!”

[ cut to Andy and Chris roaming the streets ]

Andy Samberg:
“Go to Sister Act!”

Chris Parnell:
“Like a pistol whack!”

Andy Samberg:
“All up in the theater!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“Like aristocrats!”

Chris Parnell:
“We gonna Sister Act!”

Andy Samberg:
“Like we got racks on racks!”

Chris Parnell:
“‘Cause once you buy ’em!”

Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell:
“You can’t give your tickets back!”

Andy Samberg:
“On these New York streets
I honed my fake rap penmanship!”

Chris Parnell:
“That’s how it began!”

Andy Samberg:
“And that’s how I’m a finish it!”

[ Andy’s hand covers the camera lens, as a gunshot fires ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: 2011-2012

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Abby Elliott

Bill Hader

Seth Meyers

Bobby Moynihan

Nasim Pedrad

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

Featuring:

Vanessa Bayer

Paul Brittain (until 01/14/12)

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon (starting 04/07/12)

Jay Pharoah

Writers:

James Anderson

Jessica Conrad

Jim Downey

Shelly Gossman

Steve Higgins

Zach Kanin

Chris Kelly

Erik Kenward

Rob Klein

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

John Mulaney

Christine Nangle

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Paula Pell

Marika Sawyer

Sarah Schneider

Pete Schultz

John Solomon

Kent Sublette

Episodes

09/24/11: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

10/01/11: Melissa McCarthy / Lady Antebellum

10/08/11: Ben Stiller / Foster the People

10/15/11: Anna Faris / Drake

11/05/11: Charlie Day / Maroon 5

11/12/11: Emma Stone / Coldplay

11/19/11: Jason Segel / Florence + The Machine

12/03/11: Steve Buscemi / The Black Keys

12/10/11: Katy Perry / Robyn

12/17/11: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

01/07/12: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

01/14/12: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

02/04/12: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

02/11/12: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

02/18/12: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

03/03/12: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

03/10/12: Jonah Hill / The Shins

04/07/12: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

04/14/12: Josh Brolin / Gotye

05/05/12: Eli Manning / Rihanna

05/12/12: Will Ferrell / Usher

05/19/12: Mick Jagger

Summary

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

Goodnights

…..Maya Rudolph

Maya Rudolph: Thanks to Sleigh Bells, Paul Simon… my little one, Amy Poehler… Justin Timberlake, Bill O’Reilly, Kate Upton. I love this building… my incredibly talented, beautiful friends! I love you, Lorne! Jenna! Tom! Dale…! Oh, my God, I love this place!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

The Obama Show

Michelle Obama…..Maya Rudolph
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Agent Conners…..Taran Killam
Joe Jamal-Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
Hillary Clinton…..Amy Poehler

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now a message from First Lady Michelle Obama.

[ dissolve to Michelle Obama seated in chair ]

Michelle Obama: Good evening, thanks. In the past few weeks, I’ve made several television appearances in an effort to bring attention to my campaign against childhood obesity. From “Jay Leno” to “iCarly”, I’ve tried to teach kids and parents about fitness in a fun and entertaining way. But the work is not done. Fitness starts with the family. Which is why, tonight, I am proud to announce my new media campaign: An educational, yet laugh-filled half-hour comedy starring my family. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

[ cut to Cosby-style opening credits for “The Obama Show” ]

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

Voiceover: “The Obama Show” is filmed before a live studio audience.

[ dissolve to interior, Huxtable-style living room inside the White House, as President Barack Obama lays down a tray of fatty foods onto the coffee table ]

President Barack Obama: [ in Cosby voice ] Mr. Speaker! Distinguished guests! And fellow Americans! I hereby approooooooove… this hoagie for eating! But first — some amendments! I’m gonna add a little SALAMI to the hoagie! [ he throws salami down ] Whommmmp! I’m gonna put a PICKLE on the hoagie! [ he throws a pickle down ] Bwaaaapp! And we’re gonna put a handful of CHIPS on the hoagie to make the hoagie crunchy in the mouth when I chew the hoagie! I hereby also VETO… the rice cakes that Michelle said were healthier… than the hoagie! Here we go! [ he tosses the rice cakes over his shoulder and lifts the hoagie to his mouth ]

[ suddenly, Michell Obama enters ]

Michelle Obama: Hi, Barack! My meeting was cancelled and — [ she gasps at the sight of him with the hoagie ]

President Barack Obama: [ stunned ] She’s home!! My beautiful wife… is hooooome! Agent Connerss, you were supposed to TELL me when my wife was on the way!

Michelle Obama: Ba-rack O-ba-ma! Is that a hoagie?! Foods like that lead to obesity! And you know you are to never, never, never, never, nev-er eat them!

President Barack Obama: [ desperately ] I know! I just found it here! I think one of the chillll-dren must have made it!

[ Joe Jamal-Biden enters from the kitchen, grinning like a jackass ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Hey, Barack! Michelle! Hey, before you say NO… there’s a new dance club that my friend COCKROACH and I just want to go to!

President Barack Obama: Joe, Joe! I need you to sit down-ownnn, young man!

Joe Jamal-Biden: Oh? Okay, sure. Yeah, why not?

President Barack Obama: SIT down!

Joe Jamal-Biden: Alright! [ he sits between them ]

President Barack Obama: Now… HOW many times have I told you NOT to leave the hoagies laying around, and now you’re hee-errrre?! You need to take your HOAGIE… if you want to go to the dance club, because… it’s your hoagie!

[ Biden looks around the room like an idiot for a few moments ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Oh, RIGHT!! [ he grabs the hoagie ] Yeah, this is, uh… this is MY hoagie!! I made it, uh… [ wheels turning ] right when you said I could borrow the CAR tonight!

[ President Obama reluctantly hands over the keys to his car ]

Joe Jamal-Biden: Ha ha! Alright!!

[ Biden takes the hoagie and leaves for the dance club ]

Michelle Obama: Barack… have a rice cake, baby.

President Barack Obama: Alright… [ he reaches for the missing rice cakes ]

Michelle Obama: They’re good for you. [ she reaches below the coffee table ] I’ll eat the one off the floor.

President Barack Obama: [ he laughs ] I’ll tell you what’s good for me… is having a rice cake… with such a beautiful woman.

Michelle Obama: Oh!

[ the audience ohs, as we cut to the show logo ]

Announcer: “The Obama Show”. Thursday nights at 8 p.m. And tune in next week, when Secretary of State Hillary Clinton drops by.

[ dissolve to Biden, Michelle and Agent Conners standing, back turned, to the staircase. as President Obama steps down while lip-synching Ray Charles’ “Night Time Is the Right Time” ]

[ he approaches Hillary Clinton, who lip-synchs “Baby!” from the chorus ]

[ cut to exterior, White House ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

New York Sports Now

Dan Mardell…..Bill Hader
Sportscaster #1…..Kenan Thompson
Sportscaster #2…..Jay Pharoah
Joe Dickson…..Taran Killam

[ open on graphics ]

[ dissolve to sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Welcome to “New York Sports Now”. I’m Dan Mardell… with our special report on Knicks point guard — #17, Jeremy Lin, and the Lin-sanity surrounding him. Now, uh, despite the Knicks’ loss in New Orleans, the Big Apple is still in the middle of a Jeremy Lin-vasion. Fellows — do you have Lin-sanity?

Sportscaster #2: Hey — you better lock me up! I mean, I am criminally Lin-sane!

Joe Dickson: [ laughing ] Oh, yeah! My feelings are… Lin-tense!

Sportscaster #1: It’s Lin-describable! I mean, I am Lin-erally… Lin love… with this Jeremy Lin!

Dan Mardell: I think we can all agree that we’ll never get tired of Lin puns!

Sportscaster #1: Well… as Charlie Sheen would say: “Lin-ninnnnnggg!”

[ they all laugh ]

Dan Mardell: That’s another thing we never got tired of! [ he laughs ] Yeah. Now, with all the talk swirling around Lin, some of the discussion has gotten racially charged. We’ve seen derogatory statements from Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock and ESPN.com. The bottom line is — the kid’s a great basketball player, and race has nothing to do with it. As the New York Post said… [ he holds up front page ] “He’s Amasian!”

[ they all laugh ]

Sportscaster #1: Hilarious! Hilarious! I mean, he’s unstoppable! He’s like that sign said at Wednesday’s game: [ he holds up sign ] “Lin is the Knicks good for-tune!”

Sportscaster #2: He’s sweet not sour.

Sportscaster #1: He turned Kobe into kobe beef!

Joe Dickson: And Kobe’s like, “Hey! I ordered fried chicken!”

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #2: You said chicken! You said chicken!

Dan Mardell: Come on, Joe! Leave race out of this! Fellows, Jeremy Lin had some amazing moments this week. What were some of your favorite Lin-cidences?

Sportscaster #1: Well, I’d say it was in the Fourth Quarter against the Lakers. Lin goes to the corner and… Me love you LONG time… sends a three!

Sportscaster #2: I gotta say, Knicks wrapped up last Tuesday. Five seconds left, Lin goes to the top of the key and — Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi! — game winning shot!

Joe Dickson: Actually, I picked the Knicks kings when Lin passed it to Amare Stoudemire. Stoudemire was dancing like Maury Povich just told him: “You are NOT the father!” [ he laughs ]

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #1: He was NOT dancing!

Joe Dickson: [ nervously ] I’m just finding the line…

Dan Mardell: If he was, I bet he was saying, “No more arigato, Mr. Lin-bato!”

Sportscaster #1: Ha ha! Now, THAT’S funny! That’s funny!

Dan Mardell: [ bowing gratefully ] Switching gears for a moment, it’s Black History Month. Let’s take a moment to honor a great African-American athlete.

[ cut to black-and-footage of Jackie Robinson ]

Voiceover: Jackie Robinson. An amazing who broke down barriers. Robinson endured name-calling and racial taunts, but he persevered. And that’s why, today, the sports world is… [ over SUPER ] Tolerant.

[ cut back to the sports desk, as Sportscaster #2 bangs a gong ]

Dan Mardell: The Lin Dynasty! “New York Sports Now” caught up with Jeremy Lin last Tuesday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to interview footage with Jeremy Lin ]

Dan Mardell V/O: “Ha ha! It was a great honor to throw the ball today! Better than throwing stones! Ha! Soon, we battle Dallas and I will try my tiger claw technique! Go!”

[ cut back to Dan Mardell laughing at the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Oops! Whoever switched the audio, that person will be reprimanded!

Sportscaster #1: You know, I think there is something glaring that we are all overlooking. I mean, what’s gonna happen when Carmelo Anthony comes back?

Dan Mardell: I hope he likes Chinese in his MSG! See what I did there?

Sportscaster #1: [ laughing ] Yeah, I saw that! I saw that!

Sportscaster #2: Hey! Carmelo’s gonna see Lin in the locker room and be like, “Excuse me, are we playing Ping-Pong here?”

[ the guys all laugh ]

Joe Dickson: Well, they may not see him at all, because my homie Carmelo rolls in late!

Sportscaster #1: Hey! Hey! I’ll tell you one more time! One more time!

Sportscaster #2: That’s extremely offensive!

Sportscaster #1: Yeah! The notion that an African-Anerican male is late for work is an outdated and IGNORANT stereotype!

Joe Dickson: [ bewildered ] I’m sorry… I thought we were having that kind of fun! Dan back me up!

Dan Mardell: [ to the camera, serious ] We apologize to the viewers at home for the comments of Joe Dickson. They were Lin-sensitive and politically Lin-correct. He has been fired!

[ wide shot reveals Dickson’s sudden absence from the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: When we return. we’ll talk to Jeremy Lin with comedian Don Rickles and a crotchety World War II veteran. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15


]]>

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories.

A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating has risen in recent weeks, and now stands at 50%. Said the president: [ image: Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney ] “Keep talking, fellas!”

A Congressional hearing held Thursday to debate President Obama’s birth control mandate was criticized for not including any women. Though that makes sense once you learn that the hearing was held in the Congressional tree house.

CBS said, this week, they expect high profits this year, due in part to increased ad revenue from Republican presidential candidates. Because if you can find this lady believable as a cop… [ image: Emilt Procter, “CSI: Miami”] you might find this guy believable as a president. [ image: Rick Santorum ]

The commander of the International Space Station, on Wednesday, shook hands with Robonaut, which NASA officials are calling the first ever handshake between a human and a robot in space — and which robots are ominously calling “Phase 1”.

A Pekingese named Malachy was named Best in Show at this year’s Westminster Dog Show. Oh, man… that dog is gonna get so much leg! And as always at Westminster, Worst in Show went to Ralph. Why do you keep trying, Ralph?

Seth Meyers: This week, the birth control debate came to the forefront again, after Congressman Daniel Eissmann called a hearing on President Obama’s healthcare mandate, but failed to invite any women to join the panel. That brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy”.

[ Amy Poehler appears at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Ready to do this? [ Amy nods ] Let’s do it!

Amy Poehler: Really? Really, Congress? You held a congressional committee on reproductive rights, and you did not invite any women? Really! That would be like not inviting any men to a congressional committee debating the Maxim Top 100! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, really — men HAVE to be smarter when they talk about birth control. This week, Foster Frees, the billionaire backer of Rick Santorum, joked that when he was young, women held an aspirin between their knees for birth control. Good one! But do you really want to start a discussion of health care with “When I was young…”? when you were young, people died of polio! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Now, later in the week, Frees apologized for his comments. Well, we’d love to accept your apology, Foster, but you made a mistake… and now you’re going to have to live with that mistake for the rest of your life! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: And you know why we need birth control? There are TOO MANY PEOPLE!! Do you guys remember the opening ceremony at the Chinese Olympics?! They built PYRAMIDS out of PEOPLE!! Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: Pyramids!

Amy Poehler: Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: There are PEOPLE pyramids!

Amy Poehler: PEOPLE pyramids! THAT should be an adverisement for condoms! [ she throws up her hands in disgust ]

Seth Meyers: Meanwhile, both Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum used the Rhythm Method, and, with five and eight kids respectively, it seems like they might have even less rhythm than we thought! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! The Virginia House of Representatives, this week, passed a bill that require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before having an abortion. Really! Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Transvaginal — it’s my favorite airline! I got so many miles on Transvaginal that I alaways get upgraded to Lady Business!

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, really!

Seth Meyers: Oh! But Virginia wasn’t done. They also passed a bill saying “Life begins at conception.” What’s next, “Life begins at last call?” “Life begins when you click Send on your Match.com profile?” I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Mike Huckabee joined the fight against President Obama’s mandate, saying, “We’re ALL Catholic now!” Really? You know who is NOT All-Catholic now? All Cstholics now! 98% of Catholic women say they’ve used birth control, and the other 2% are always the ones trying to get a church to start a softball team! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Don’t tell me what to do!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth & Amy”.

[ return to news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Amy, uh… it would be my honor…

Amy Poehler: Yeah, yeah, I’ll stick around and tell some jokes!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Amy Poehler: A new study shows that a record high 1 in 12 marriages in the U.S. are interracial. The study went on to say: “But, hey, it’s none of my business…”

It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after she got too close to it. And the story has to be true, because the story was reported by Shakira’s hips.

Seth Meyers: Hips don’t lie. They don’t lie. Her hips don’t lie! That’s what you’re getting at, right?

Amy Poehler: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: That’s what I said.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I get it!

New research suggests that men who are “too nice” on Valentine’s Day and buy their women too many gifts make the women suspect that the men are cheating. So your instincts were right: You CAN’T win!

New York’s MTA, which is replacing wooden benches in the subway stations with new metal ones, will be selling the old wooden benches for $600, to… [ confused ] The Center for Disease Control? And, if you act now, they’ll even throw in an exhausted rabbi.

Amy Poehler: Police in New York broke up a drug ring that sold marijuana in Sour Patch candy wrappers. Forcing many New Yorkers to shrug and call their other guy.

Some linguistics experts have noted that the hit British series “Downton Abbey”, which is set in the 1920s, has incorrectly used phrases that would not have been popular until much later, including: “Step on it,” “Push comes to shove,” and the most glaring of all: “You should totally tweet that.”

Seth Meyers: The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue was released this week with model Kate Upton on the cover. It’s just a shame they didn’t have a swimsuit in her size.

Insiders are saying that a new cola war may break out between Coke and Pepsi, with Pepsi planning $600 million in the next year on marketing. Pepsi is even rolling out a new slogan: “We Don’t Have Coke. Is Pepsi Okay?”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

SNL Transcripts