Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

Our Time! With taboo and apl.de.ap!

apl.de.ap…..Kenan Thompson
Taboo…..Andy Samberg
Fergie…..Miley Cyrus
Will.i.am…..Jay
Khloe Kardashian…..Abby Elliott

Announcer: Your favorite members of the Black Eyed Peas present “Our Time” With Taboo and apl.de.ap! And now show some respect, it’s Taboo and apl.de.ap, y’all!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: (singing) “It’s out time! Our Time! Tonight it is! Tonight!”

Apl.de.ap: Yeah! Woo! Yeah! Yeah! Welcome to “Our Time!” Finally, our own show!

Taboo: Just like the people wanted!

Apl.de.ap: Okay! Let me start by introducing myself. My name is apl.de.ap and I am in the Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo: And I am Taboo, and I am also in The Black Eyed Peas!

Both: We are in the Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo: Here is a picture of us at the Super Bowl in our Tron oufits.

(show publicity photo)

Apl.de.ap: I am the one on the back right.

Taboo: And on the left, that is my hand.

Apl.de.ap: It is so great to finally have our own show where people can get to know us. Let us show you.

Taboo: Nice to meet you. Me-omo Taboo. I have my own line of jackets called 1,000 Pockets! And, also, despite the rumors, I am not a Japanese ghost.

Apl.de.ap: I’m apl.de.ap. And I own a chain of unsuccessful neighborhood restaurants called Apl.de.apl.bees. Also…

Both: We are in the Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo: But we are not here to talk about the group. This is about us. Not wil.i.am not Fergie –-

Apl.de.ap: No! No! Don’t say her name!

(Fergie and Will.i.am appear)

Fergie: (singing) “People in the place!!!!” (speaking) Did someone say my name?

Apl.de.ap: Uh! Hey Fergie, hey wil.i.am!

Fergie: We just wanted to see if you guys needed us.

Will.i.am: (singing) “Just helping out!!!”

Apl.de.ap/Taboo: No!! We’re fine! Noo!!!!!!!

Fergie: Okay, sorry right! This is your show!

Will.i.am: (singing) “I got that boom boom boom!!!”

Apl.de.ap: C’mon man! Sorry, everone, for that interruption. Uh, let’s bring out a guest. She’s the best Kardashian sister. Please welcome Khloe Kardashian!

Both: (singing) :Here we go! Our first guest! Is Khloe K.!”

Khloe Kardashian: Heyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apl.de.ap: Khloe! Wow! Thank you so much for being here! We know you are so busy!

Khloe Kardashian: Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Apl.de.ap: But bfore we begin, we are both in the Black Eyed Peas. I’m apl.de.ap.

Khloe Kardashian: What kind of name is apl.de.ap?

Apl.de.ap: Well, you know how wil.i.am is a way of saying William? Apl.de.ap is a way of saying Apltoodlepip.

Taboo: And I am named after the board game Taboo.

Apl.de.ap: Now, Khloe, even though you are a big part of the Kardashian family, like us, sometimes you go unappreciated.

Khloe Kardashian: I know, it’s so literally unfair! What people need to realize that we Kardashians are all equally untalented.

Apl.de.ap: Also, like us, you are very diverse. You are Armenian and you are married to an African American!

Khloe Kardashian: Yeah, that’s right! And you guys are – well what race are you guys?

Apl.de.ap: Well I’m a black Philipino, also known as a Philibleno.

Taboo: And I am from the Matrix!

Apl.de.ap: But, Khloe, this is your time. Why don’t you take a minute and tell us something we don’t know about you.

Khloe Kardashian: I’m Khloe. I have a new fragrance out. I can pull a twenty-pound truck using only my teeth. And my favorite Black Eyed Pea is Fergie!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: No! No! Don’t say her name!

(Fergie and Will.i.am appear)

Fergie: (singing) People in the place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will.i.am: Gotta get that!

Fergie: Just wanted to see if you guys needed us?

Taboo: You already did that!

Fergie: Ok I’m sorry! (singing) Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apl.de.ap: Oh, man! Khloe, I’m so sorry about that!

Khloe Kardashian: No! That was awesome, I got to see that Black Eyed Peas!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: But we’re the Black Eyed Peas man!

Taboo: We are interesting people!

Apl.de.ap: Absolutely! Taboo was on the cover of this month’s Vaguely Asian magazine! Alright! Well, Khloe, you have been so 3,008 today… would you like to sing with us?

Khloe Kardashian: Well, I’ve never sung before!

Taboo/Apl.de.ap: Neither have we! Here we go!

All: (singing) “I can feel it! This has been out time!! With Taboo! And Apl.de.ap!!!!! No! Go!!!! C’mon man!!!”

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 16

10p: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

The Essentials with Robert Osborne

Robert Osborne…..Jason Sudeikis
Captain Von Trapp…..Bill Hader
Maria…..Kristen Wiig
Liesl…..Miley Cyrus
Friedrich…..Taran Killam
Louisa…..Abby Elliott
Richie Inez Jr…..Fred Armisen
Kurt…..Bobby Moynihan
Gretl…..Vanessa Bayer
Brigitta…..Nasim Pedrad
Rolfe…..Andy Samberg

Robert Osborne: Hello! I’m Robert Osborne! And welcome to the Essentials where we take a behind the scenes look at America’s greatest films. Tonight: 1965’s “The Sound of Music.” The film is filled with timeless characters and scenes. But tonight, we show you the moments you haven’t seen. The ones that ended up on the cutting room floor. Let’s take a look.

Captain Von Trapp: Hello Maria! I expect my children to behave at all times. I am placing them in your command.

Maria: Oh, yes sir!

Captain Von Trapp: When I sound the whistle, they will step forward and say their name.

Liesl: Liesl.

Friedrich: Friedrich.

Louisa: Louisa.

Richie Inez Jr.: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Ricardo! But most people call me Richie. Except for my landlord — he just calls me late, you know!

Captain Von Trapp: Hold on, Maria! This is my adopted son, Richie.

Liesl: Richie didn’t grow up in Austria, Fraulien.

Richie Inez Jr.: Oh no! I grew up in the hood! Ever hear of 125th street? Yeah, we used to call that downtown! The bus wouldn’t even go to my neighborhood. The only bus was 15 chillas garbage trucks goin da. Dalalala.

Robert Osborne: Though not in the original script, the part of Richie was added by studio head Darryl Zanuck, as a vehicle for the 34 year old Hispanic comedian Richie Inez Jr. When director Robert Wise compained, Zanuck memorably quipped two machups, welcome to Hollywood! Let’s take a look at another lost scene.

Liesl: (singing) “I am 16 going on 17, I know that I’m naïve. Fellows I meet tell me I’m sweet. And willingly I believe!”

Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Check it out! When I was 16, I lived in the projects! We didn’t played hide and seek. We just played hide. I would hide behind the fridge. You would see a cockroach back there. Sshh! That’s hiding, too! And I would never hide behind the fridge on Larway.

Liesl: Right. Richie, can you keep a secret? Rolfe and I are in love. Isn’t it wonderful?

Richie Inez Jr.: Oh! Yeah! Yeah! I know about love, man! Growing up on my block there was this girl named Juanita! She had long legs and one of those Dominican butts. Rolfe, you know what I’m talking about?

Rolfe: Oh! I know!

Richie Inez Jr.: Hahaha! He knows! He knows what I’m talking about.

Liesl: (singing) “I need someone older and wiser. Telling me what to do.”

Richie Inez Jr.: Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! Liesl! You single chica! Don’t give up on that ok?

Robert Osborne: If you listen closely at the end of that scene, you can hear Julie Andrews say: “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Richie Inez Jr. filmed for 7 weeks on location in Salzburg, Austria. Cast members said he spent most of that time pointing out things that he didn’t have while growing up. Fun Fact: All of Richie’s lines were lifted from the 1964 comedy album “Wanted: Dead or Hispanic.” Let’s take a look at one final scene.

Kids: (singing) “So long! Fare well! I’ll leave and say goodnight!”

Friedrich/Louisa: We hate to go! And miss this pretty sight!

Kids: So long! Fare well! I’ll leave and say Ado!

Liesl: Ado! Ado! To you and you and you!

Richie Inez Jr.: Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! One last thing, ok! Bring down the music! Kurt, hand me that microphone! Alright!!!!!! Now, a lot of you out there are afraid of the Germans. You know what I was afraid of when I was growing up? My grandma! She used to sleep with one eye open with a bat in her hand! You can think about breaking something! Wapa!!!! I didn’t do anything wrong! You guys know what I’m talking about!

Liesl: Wrap it up, Richie!!

Richie Inez Jr.: Okay, I’m gonna wrap it up now! But every year on your birthday, she’s gonna make you friend panties! You know that panties! Put a half stick of butter in there! And then she puts in the panties! Bsh!!!!!!! And that sound, to me, that’s the sound of music, man!

Robert Osborne: Richie Inez Jr. went on to be cut out of several Hollywood classics! Including “The Graduate.” “Star Wars.” And “Jaws.” Where he famously said “We’re gonna need a bigger butt.” For “The Essentials,” I’m Robert Osborne!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


December 11th, 2010

Paul Rudd

Paul McCartney

None

None

None

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: After being held hostage by the Republican Party, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) willingly authorizes tax cuts for the rich.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript

Montage

Paul Rudd’s MonologueSummary: Paul Rudd mistakenly thought fans chanting “Paul! Paul!” outside the building were interested in him, until he realizes his musical guest is Paul McCartney.

Transcript

Feline Culinary CreationsSummary: Succulent gourmet dishes are used as the inspiration for the wet square glop that ends up in finicky cats’ dinner bowls.

Note: This ad parody was cut from the dress rehearsals of the last two episodes.

Transcript

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Paul Rudd) greet Romanian relatives (Nasim Pedrad, Paul Brittain) with wet, sloppy kisses over Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck, Santa Claus.

What’s That Name?Summary: Game show contestants (Paul Rudd, Vanessa Bayer) recognize third-tier celebrities, but can’t recall the little people like a building doorman (Kenan Thompson) and cleaning lady (Kristen Wiig) who are a part of their daily lives.

Note: This sketch was cut from the dress rehearsal of last month’s episode hosted by Scarlett Johansson.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg and Paul Rudd are “Stumblin'” through life, with a tiny harmonica interlude courtesy of Paul McCartney.

Julian Assange in PrisonSummary: From prison, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange (Bill Hader interrupts a MasterCard ad to threaten his return to do personal harm against favorite Internet web sites.

Recurring Characters: Julian Assange.

Transcript

Sexually SpeakingSummary: Aggressive producer Roger Brush (Fred Armisen) fills in when the regular female host is too ill to do the show.

Recurring Characters: Roger Brush.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Jet”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Paul McCartney join Seth Meyers for a Weekend Update Audio Caption by Prince Charles and Camilla. Stefon (Bill Hader) lists more inappropriate New York hotspots for families on Christmas vacation.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript

Holiday JamSummary: Math teacher (Paul Rudd) makes bad puns as the school principal (Jay Pharoah) gets overemotional about the school mascot.

Meryl Streep On IceSummary: Despite lack of experience, Meryl Streep (Abby Elliott) is a beloved genius when she straps on a pair of ice skates and performs at Madison Square Garden.

Recurring Characters: Meryl Streep.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “Band on the Run”Lyrics

Broadway CaresSummary: Paul Rudd’s efforts to perform a solo from “Cabaret” is interrupted by stagehand Jeff’s (Jason Sudeikis) antics with the spotlight.

Recurring Characters: Mike Underballs, Jeff.

Transcript

Paul McCartney performs “A Day in the Life” / “Give Peace a Chance”Lyrics

Goodnights / Paul McCartney performs “Get Back”Transcript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Baby, It’s Cold OutsideSummary: A couple (Paul Rudd, Kristen Wiig) sing a Christmas ditty to one another.

Job FairSummary: Recruiters (Jason Sudeikis, Nasim Pedrad) interview a series of nervous and/or weird people and Paul McCartney for an available computer job.

BlackjackSummary: Blackjack dealer doesn’t properly deal the cards to players.

The Giving TreeSummary: Storyteller (Paul Rudd) goes nuts while reading a Christmas story to kids.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Broadway Cares

Mike Underballs…..Bill Hader
…..Paul Rudd
Jeff…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on stage, as Paul Rudd approaches Mike Underballs ]

Mike Underballs: Paul Rudd, hey! Mike Underballs! I’m the director.

Paul Rudd: It’s really nice meeting you, Mr. Underballs.

Mike Underballs: “Mr. Underballs” is my dad — call me Mike! We’re so glad to have you doing this benefit show. Broadway Cares is an amazing cause.

Paul Rudd: I’m happy to help.

Mike Underballs: So you know how the night works — everyone’s performing their favorite songs from a Broadway musical. [ Rudd nods ] And you’re doing “Willkommen” from “Cabaret”?

Paul Rudd: Yeah. The MC. It’s my dream role.

Mike Underballs: Alright. Well, why don’t we just take it from the top?

Paul Rudd: I do have one idea. Is it possible for me to do it in a spotlight?

Mike Underballs: Absolutely! I love it. [ he looks upward ] Hey, Jeff? Jeff? Uh, we’re gonna need a spotlight on this one! Is that okay?

[ up in the rafters, Jeff is preoccupied with his newspaper, but glances down ]

Jeff: Hey, you really want my opinion?!

Mike Underballs: Hey, l-let’s just do it, buddy.

[ Jeff folds his newspaper, shrugs, and turns on the spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Okay, here we go. Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight remains where it’s pointed ]

[ Rudd runs back into the spotlight, but is rattled from his performance ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I-I’m sorry. Could we just stop for a second?

Mike Underballs: Jeff! Jeff! You gotta FOLLOW him!

Jeff: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that, Mike! You know, my mind must be elsewhere. I saw “Tangled” again this week, and, uh, you know, I’m still thinking through it! Yeah, that thing’s like an animated “Inception”!

Mike Underballs: No prob. Jeff, you’re the BEST!

Jeff: Mmm-hmm.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, well, when I move from my first position, just follow me. Otherwise, people won’t be able to see me.

Jeff: [ blinking his eyes for a beat ] Oh, is that how LIGHT works?!

Mike Underballs: Jeff!

Jeff: No, Mike, this is great! I love this! This is great! Thomas Edison is gonna tell us how LIGHT works!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!! Just follow him with the spot.

Jeff: Hey! You’re the BOSS, Mike! It’s YOUR vision, baby!

Paul Rudd: [ concerned ] Hey, I didn’t upset him, did I?

Mike Underballs: No, no, no — he’s fine. Alright, from the top!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ he prances Stage Left, but the spotlight breezes past and leaves Rudd in the dark ]

[ the spotlight then pans to Stage Right, as Rudd breathlessly tries to catch up with it ]

Paul Rudd: I-I-I’m sorry! Stop! Stop! Could we just please stop?

Mike Underballs: What’s going on, Paul, what’s going on?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s just — he’s moving the spot all around! It’s RIDICULOUS!

Jeff: Hey, Mike! You know what’s ridiculous? Paul Rudd trying to be the MC from “Cabaret”!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEEFFFFF!!!!

Jeff: Nah, I’m serious! I thought MC stood for Master of Ceremony — not Mediocre CACA!!

Mike Underballs: Kaka’s with a “K”, Jeff!

Jeff: Nahhhh, Kaka’s spelled with an “R” — R-U-D-D!

Mike Underballs: [ chuckling ] Hey, that’s funny! [ to Rudd ] That’s your last name!

Jeff: I GOT GOOD IDEAS, TOO, MIKE!!

Mike Underballs: I know you do, Jeff!

Paul Rudd: Hey, what’s your PROBLEM, man?!

Jeff: Hey! Listen up, “Clueless”! Alright? You perform this thing this way, one day you’re gonna run into Joel Grey at the gym and he’s gonna hop up on a box and punch you in the NUTS!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFFF!!!! [ a beat ] If you’re gonna go there, PLEASE keep it out of the gutter!

Paul Rudd: [ dumbfounded ] What?! “If you’re gonna go there”?!

Jeff: Hey, I gotcha, Mike! I know what you’re saying! Be the change you want to see in the world! Right?

Mike Underballs: Right, Jeff. Think Gandhi!

Jeff: Hey! You GOT IT, buddy! I’ll humor this dick!

Mike Underballs: JEEEEFFFF!!!

Jeff: Hey, nice catch! You’re right, I slipped!

Paul Rudd: Hey, you know what? I’m gonna make it easy — I’m NOT gonna move! I’m gonna stay PUT!

Jeff: Yeah! You should have stayed AT HOME!!

Mike Underballs: [ frustrated ] Music!

[ Rudd stands in the spotlight and begins to sing his song ]

[ as Rudd stays put, the spotlight shrinks and shrinks until it only shines on Rudd’s crotch ]

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on! Would you — look, look at this!

[ Mike pokes his head in front of the tiny crotch spotlight ]

Mike Underballs: Jeff, what are we thinking here?!

Jeff: [ shtugs ] Uh, you know, I thought I’d draw attention to the guy’s CROTCH, ’cause he’s singing like such a big PUSSY!

Mike Underballs: JEEFFFF!!!

Paul Rudd: You know what? THAT’S IT!! I’m outta here!!

[ Rudd stomps away ]

Mike Underballs: Ohhh, great! Now what are we gonna do?

Jeff: Hey! I’ll show you what we’re gonna do! BEEETTHH!! Hit me with that spotlight!

[ a spotlight shines on Jeff, as he grabs a hat, drapes a fishnet leg over the railing and begins to sing “Willkommen” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Feline Culinary Creations

Woman…..Abby Elliott
Chef…..Paul Brittain
Chef…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on woman petting her pussycat on the couch ]

Announcer: Every member of your family deserves the best — even your cat.

[ dissolve to fancy restaurant kitchen ]

Announcer: That’s why we at Pet Chalet asked a panel of premier European chefs to create the ULTIMATE menu.

[ dissolve to product display ]

Announcer: Introducing Feline Culinary Creations.

[ dissolve to meals being prepared in fancy pans on the stove ]

Announcer: Handcrafted gourmet meals you can proudly bring to your cat’s table. Recipes like: Filet Au Poivre with Shiitake Demi-Glace.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it ]

Announcer: Salmon Carpaccio with Lobster Medallions.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it and splashes in all directions ]

[ one of the chefs blows a kiss to his creation ]

Announcer: A trio of Braised Lamb, Venison Ravioli and Broccoli Rabe.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food plops upon it ]

Announcer: Sweet and Sour Crab with Myerlemon Bok Choy.

[ cut to fancy plate as a glop of fancy cat food slides out of the package and is scraped out by hand ]

[ one of the chefs taste her own creation and savors the experience ]

Announcer: So show your cat what fine dining is all about.

[ the woman places a fancy plate of cat food onto her coffee table, as her cat jumps up to enjoy his meal ]

[ the woman toasts a glass of wine to her cat, who toasts a glass right back at her ]

Announcer: Feline Culinary Creations. For the love of your cat.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Goodnights / Paul McCartney performs “Get Back”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Well, this won’t be topped! Thank you so much! Thank you very much to the cast, the crew… [ humbly ] Paul McCartney. [ to McCartney ] One more?

Paul McCartney: One more!

Paul Rudd: One more!

[ Paul McCartney rushes to the musical guest stage and breaks into a round of “Get Back” ]

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner
But he knew it couldn’t last
Jojo left his home in Tucson, Arizona
For some California grass.

Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, Jojo!
Go home!

Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, get back
Get back to where you once belonged
Get back, Jo!

Sweet Loretta Martin thought she was a woman
But she was another man
All the girls around her say she’s got it coming
But she get it while she can!

So get back –”

[ cut off ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney
…..Paul Brittain

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Wow! Whoo! Thank you, thank you, thank you SO much! It is so great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the second time! The first time, I was nervous. But, uh, I must have sone something right because, this time, when I walked into the studio, there were all these people lined up in the freezing cold, chanting “Paul! Paul! Paul!” All for me — Paul Rudd! And those fans, they’re intense. One lady sat there crying, just because she was, like, in my presence. Can you imagine? Then someone yelled out “Yesterday!” [ he shrugs ] Which I guess it was a reference to this NPR interview I gave yesterday. I didn’t even think anyone was listening to that! To be hoest, though, some of those fans know a little too much about me. Uh — one guy screamed out: “Her Majesty!” Which, uh, is my nickname on movie sets by the crew. I don’t know how he found out about it. Internet, I guess. But, most of all, they were just screaming my name: “Paul! Paul! Paul!” It was an INCREDIBLE experience —

[ the audience screams and cheers wildly as Paul McCartney appears onstage and shakes Rudd’s hand ]

Paul Rudd: It’s really amazing to be here with you, Sir Paul — [ a light goes on in his head ] OHHHH!!! Oh, I know — right! They were cheering for you. They were cheering for you.

Paul McCartney: Well, I was cheering for you. I LOVED “Role Models”.

Paul Rudd: Awwww! That’s… that’s so nice! Oh, thank you so much. No disrespect, man — I’m just glad to clear up this whole “Paul” business.

[ Paul Brittain appears onstage ]

Paul Brittain: Yo, yo, yo! Featured player Paul Brittain is in the mother-freakin’ house! [ the audience obliges him with applause ] Yeah! Yeah! And, uh, people — [ he notices Rudd’s cold stare ] Oh. Oh. Right.

[ Paul Brittain exits quickly ]

Paul McCartney: He seemed nice.

Paul Rudd: Yeah. He’s new. [ to the audience ] Well, anyway… we’ve got a great show.

Paul McCartney: And all sorts of Pauls are here!

[ the audience cheers ]

Paul Rudd: Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “Jet”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Jet!
Jet!
Jet!

I can almost remember their funny faces
That time you told them that you were going to be marrying sooooon
And Jet! I thought the only lonely face was on the moon!

Jet!
Jet!
Jet!

Was your father as old as the Sergeant Major?
Well, how come he told you that you’re hardly old enough yet?
And Jet! I thought the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater… much later.

Whoo — she said!

Jet!

And Jet! I thought the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater, I want Jet to always love me
Ah mater… much later.

Hey — she said!

Jet!

With the wind in your hair of a thousand laces
Climb on the back and we’ll go for a ride in the sky
And Jet! I thought that the major was a lady suffragette!

Jet!
Jet!

And Jet! Don’t you know that I —
Don’t you know that I thought you was a lady suffragette!

Jet!”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “Band on the Run”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Once again — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Stuck inside these four walls, sent inside forever
Never seeing no one nice again like you
Mama you, mama you.

If I ever get out of here
Thought of giving it all away
To a registered charity
All I need is a pint a day
If I ever get out of here
(If we ever get out of here).

Well, the rain exploded with a mighty crash as we fell into the sun
And the first one said to the second one there: “I hope you’re having fun!”

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
And the jailer man and Sailor Sam were searching everyone
For the band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh, seeing no one else had come!
And a bell was ringing in the Village Square for the rabbits on the run!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
And the jailer man and Sailor Sam were searching every one
For the band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!
Band on the run!

Well, the night was falling as the desert world began to settle down
In the town they’re searching for us everywhere but we never will be found!

Band on the run!
Band on the run!

And the county judge, who held a grudge
Will search forevermore
For the band on the run
Band on the run
Band on the run
Band on the run”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 8

10i: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney performs “A Day in the Life” / “Give Peace a Chance”

…..Paul Rudd
…..Paul McCartney

Paul Rudd: Once again — Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh.
I saw the photograph.

He blew his mind out in a car
He didn’t notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They’d seen his face before
Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords.

I saw a film today, oh boy
The English Army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book.

I’d love to tuuuuuuuuurn… yoooooooouuuu… ooooooooooon.

[ alarm clock rings ]

Woke up, fell out of bed
Dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup
And looking up I noticed I was late.

Grabbed my coat, found my hat
Found the bus in seconds flat
Found my way upstairs and had a smoke
And somebody spoke and I went into a dream.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

All we are saying is give peace a chance.
Oh yeah!
All we are saying is give peace a chance.
Everybody’s talking about!
All we are saying is give peace a chance.
Give me the chance, give me the chance.
All we are saying is give peace a chance.”

Okay, now YOU sing it!

Audience: “All we are saying is give peace a chance!”

Paul McCartney: Everybody sing it!

Audience: “All we are saying is give peace a chance!”

Paul McCartney: [ singing ]
“Give peace a chance!
Now come on, all over the world!

All we are saying is give peace a chance
Yes!
All we — all we are saying is give peace a chance
Give peace a chance, give peace a chance!
All we are saying is give peace a chance!”

[ thunderous applause ]

SNL Transcripts