Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Bedelia’s Birthday Cookout

Bedelia…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Alec Baldwin
Girl 1…..Jenny Slate
Girl 2…..Abby Elliott
Boy 1…..Bobby Moynihan
Boy 2…..Andy Samberg
Boy 3…..Bill Hader

[ open on suburban backyard during outdoor cookout ]

[ Bedelia approaches her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Dad!

Dad: Belinda, what are you doing over here?

Bedelia: [ chipper ] Mom’s putzing around the kitchen. She wanted some elbow room, so I figured I’d take a shift on the grill!

Dad: Honey, it’s your birthday! I’ll handle the grilling!

Bedelia: Cool! I’ll be your wingman! Nothing I’d rather do than flip some dogs with my homey!

Dad: Bedelia, these kids are all here for your birthday party. Go have fun!

Bedelia: Hey, Goofball, I AM having fun! [ she laughs awkwardly ]

Dad: No, I mean like normal teenager fun. [ pointing ] Look, your buddies are over there — go and say “Hi.”

Bedelia: Okay! Roger that!

[ Bedelia approaches two girls standing off to the side ]

Bedelia: Hi, guys!

Girl 1: [ ignoring Bedelia as she consults her cellphone’s text-messaging ] So he just said he got his permit, so… we’re still together.

Bedelia: Dudes! I was just on Grill Duty with my Dad! He’s so solid! He’s like… all cajones!

Girl 2: Why would you want to hang out with your Dad?

Bedelia: [ stunned ] Alright. Let’s go there! He knws his way around the woodshop, he calls me out on my B.S., he recommends great restaurants. I mean, look at him: The guy’s epic!

[ over at the grill, Dad burns his finger on the rack ]

Dad: Ow!

Bedelia: You know the book, 1776? He’s read it! Anyway, don’t be shy! Swing by and razz him about his man-apron! [ she laughs ] He’ll love that!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: Hey, Tough Guy!

Dad: Hi, Sweetie.

Bedelia: Dad!

[ Dad looks up, as Bedelia psyches a menacing stance ]

Bedelia: Psyche! We’re good. [ she makes him bump fists with her ] Hey, you wanna go listen to some Santana B-sides on vinyl?

Dad: Bedelia, your friends are getting ready to get into the pool. Don’t you think that they want you to join them?

Bedelia: For sure! Hey! [ Dad looks up ] Show me where I got that dimple! [ Dad grins sheepishly ] Yeah, you did!

[ Dad tends to the grill, as Bedelia stands by awkwardly ]

Bedelia: Heard Mom doesn’t want any more kids. You getting snipped?

Dad: Bedelia!

Bedelia: [ snickering ] That’s gotta chap your ass, huh, Dad!

Dad: Honey, look — you know your mother and I love spending time with you —

Bedelia: Yeah, you should! We have great chemistry!

Dad: We do. But you need to spend time — MORE time — with people in your own peer group. And this birthday party is a great opportunity to do that. Now, march over to those goofy-looking boys over there, and go talk to them.

Bedelia: Okay! Later, gator!

[ Bedelia approaches the two boys standing off to the side ]

Boy 1: You can’t cup a fart in a plastic cup!

Boy 2: I’m telling you, I did it!

Bedelia: Hey, guys! Enjoying my Dad’s lawn? [ she giggles ] He puts the hours in!

Boy 1: Hey, Bedelia.

Boy 2: How old did you turn, anyway?

Bedelia: Me? I’m fourteen. My Dad? He’s timeless! You guys check out his hairline? It’s not going anywhere!

Boy 2: Uhh…

Bedelia: He keeps it fit, too! He’s on a regimen, kind of a modified South Beach. He’s already trimmed off a few L.B.’s, and I can only imagine it’s carried off into the bedroom!

Boy 2: Eeuuugghh!! Are you talking about your parents having sex?!

Bedelia: Hey! Our parents don’t have sex, we’re not here! Am I right?

Boy 1: Yeah, but still —

Bedelia: Guys! Let’s be mature about this! The flame of passion isn’t just a lighter you flick on and off! It’s a delicate fire that has to be fed and fanned! [ the guys look at her, disgusted ] BYE!!

[ Bedelia returns to her Dad at the grill ]

Bedelia: What’s up, Del Sackies!

Dad: Honey!

Bedelia: Seriously, Dad — you ARE the most interesting man in the world! Own it! [ she laughs ] Have I ever told you I think I got your legs?

Dad: Bedelia —

Bedelia: What’s up?

Dad: Alright, listen to me: Sweetie, you are a very interesting and unique young woman. I’d go so far as to say that you are incredibly cool.

Bedelia: [ pointing ] Apple… tree, Dad.

Dad: No! Stop! Look: What you need to do is spend time with people your own age. Teenagers don’t hang out with their parents! You want to know why? Because parents are DORKS!

Bedelia: What are you trying to say?

Dad: Honey! Look at me! [ he acknowledges his full dress ] Look at my shorts!

Bedelia: Yeah! They’re classic J.C. Penney shorts.

Dad: I’m wearing sandals with socks!

Bedelia: It’s poison ivy season! You’re being sensible —

Dad: You’re missing the point! You’re missing the point! I want you to start having fun, making mistakes, and being an idiot — and NOT with me. Do you understand?

Bedelia: I think so. Loud and clear, Chief.

[ a third boy steps forward ]

Boy 3: Sorry to interrupt. I wonder if I could use your phone? Feels like a pretty sweet opportunity to check in with my parents, let them know I’m okay.

Bedelia: Wow! That’s super thoughtful!

Boy 3: I figured it takes me two seconds to make the call, and save them…

Together: A WORLD OF WORRY!!

Boy 3: Wow!

Bedelia: Courtesy’s contagious, huh? [ to Dad ] Hey, Dad! mind if I go show him where the phone is?

[ disappointed ] Nothing would make me happier.

Bedelia: [ to the boy ] Let’s do this! Hey! You play your cards right, I’ll give you a quick glimpse of my parents’ wedding album!

Boy 3: Sco-o-o-ore!!

[ they walk off, as Dad shakes his head ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Swim Team Awards

Soccer Coach…..Will Forte
Teacher…..Kristen Wiig
Coach Rooney…..Alec Baldwin
Mike Santoro….Bill Hader
Rachel Morris….Jenny Slate
Julie Duvenr….Abby Elliott
Bradley Cuffling….Andy Samberg
John Wentworth….Bobby Moynihan
Luke Summers….Fred Armisen
Pete O’Connel….Jason Sudeikis
Paul Williams….Kenan Thompson
Marigold Jennings….Nasim Pedrad

[Opens with a shot of a building at night. Cut to the inside. A sign announces Hudson Valley High School Sports Awards. 7:00pm.]

[Cut to a proud as hell coach in mid-speech]

Soccer Coach: …and when we hoisted that trophy over our heads, I knew this was the greatest soccer team that I have ever coached. You’re warriors, you’re champions. And I love you guys. [pumps fist up]

[applause]

[Coach leaves, teacher goes to the podium]

Teacher: Hudson Valley Soccer State Champions yet again. Now we turn our attention to the swim team. I don’t think they won a single race this year. But on the plus side, nobody died. [embarrassing applause] Ok, so let’s welcome our most unique coach. Coach Rooney.

[applause, teacher sits, Rooney is up to the podium]

[Coach Rooney has longish blond hair, he’s in a bad mood and talks with a sort of Aussie accent]

Coach Rooney: All right. Let’s get this nightmare over with. I’m trying to keep my remarks brief. Considering I’m suppose to say nice things, it shouldn’t be a problem. Let’s start with the participation awards, AKA the losers. Mike Santoro, get up here. [gives trophy to Mike] Now get the hell away from me. [Mike leaves fast]

Rachel Morris. This kid couldn’t float in outer space. [gives her the trophy] She swallowed more water than the filter. [Rachel leaves embarrassed]

Julie Duvner? I call this kid the instant drowning victim, just add water. [gives her the trophy, she leaves with sad look]

Bradley Cuffling? Oh, my God! I actually encouraged him to pee in the pool, in hopes it would help propel him forward. [gives Bradley his trophy, Bradley embarrassed] But despite doing number one in the pool, he still swam like number two. [Bradley leaves]

Then we got John “Titanic” Wentworth. [overweight kid] He swam with his t-shirt on. That really struck fear in thehearts of our competitors. [gives the trophy, kid leaves pouting]

Luke Summers. [nerdy kid] The kid has two things in common with Greg Louganis: He hit his head on the diving board, and I’ll let you figure out the second thing. [Luke leaves with his trophy all ashamed]

Oh, and I almost forgot, Pete O’Connel. [Pete steps up, gets the trophy] Congratulations, Pete.[angry whisper] I hate you.

Pete O’Connel: Not as much as I hate you.

Coach Rooney: No, I hate you more, Pete. I promise you, I hate you more. Go. [Pete leaves]

All right, now it’s time for the most improved award. That goes to: My hatred for this children. [holds trophy up] Actually had that written on the plaque. [puts trophy down]

I also had to give the perfect attendance award, ironically, to Paul Williams. [black kid steps up] He didn’t come to a single practice. Until tonight, I didn’t even know he was black. Good work, buddy. [bumps fists with Paul]

Paul Williams: Ha, thanks Coach. [leaves]

Coach Rooney: Ok, I’m having an affair with the mother of this next kid. She’s the light of my life. Not the kid, the mom. The kid is a trainwreck. And to her father, I just would like to say: [into the audience] No, no, you just shut up, Jerry!! You just sit down! You’re a coward! You never appreciated her! Ok, Marigold Jennings come up here now. [Marigold shocked, embarrassed face steps up] You get the, uh, I don’t know. The spirit award, some b.s. [gives her trophy, she leaves] Just stay the hell out of your mom’s room.

And of course, there’s the MVP award. I can’t put enough sarcastic quotations marks around those three letters! [makes crazy quotation marks] You know, I never thought I’d pray for a kid to die until I met — until I met this next vulture. Hey, Wally! You want your award? [throws trophy to the side of the room] Go and fetch it, ok?! That’s all I got for you animals! There’s a surprise waiting for you in the parking lot. I just slashed all your tires. Have a great summer!

[Makes obscene gestures, slaps his ass to the crowd, he is hit with plastic cups]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: Thanks to Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers! [ cups his hands ] and Steve Martin! Steve Martin! [ he waves goodbye ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Steve Martin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! Thank you, thank you very much! I’m so happy to be here hosting the season finale of “Saturday Night Live”. I am proud to say that this is my fifteenth time hosting — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Putting me 14 shows ahead of Ms. Betty White.

Now that I’ve hit the 15-mark, I tie Steve Martin for most tmes hosting this show. Some people think that Steve and I have some sort of rivalry, and that’s… ridiculous. We just hosted the Oscars together, and we’re good friends. In fact, Steve agreed to be here tonight, via satellite. Steve Martin, everybody!

[ Alec claps, as a TV is wheeled out, with Steve Martin on-screen ]

Steve Martin: Hello, everyone! I’d like to thank all my friends at Facebook Mexico, for demanding that I appear in this “Saturday Night Live” monologue. You know, when I first started —

[ Alec holds up a remote control and clicks the TV off, smiling ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, no! Must be satellite trouble! I wish we could have heard more from Steve.

[ suddenly, the TV clicks right back on, with Steve pointing a remote control toward the screen ]

Steve Martin: Ah! Found the remote! [ continuing ] And I’d like to congratulate you, Alec —

[ Alec rolls the TV off-camera ]

Alec Baldwin: Being here is always an honor. But, earlier this week, I had another exciting honor: Giving the commencement address for New York University at Yankee Stadium. Do we have a photo?

[ cut to a photograph of Yankee Stadium ]

Uh, I was hoping for a photo of me giving the speech. Anyway — it was a thrill. I received an honorary doctorate in Fine Arts, so, from now on, I would like you all to call me… Dr. Alec Baldwin, OB-GYN.

You know, NYU is my alma mater, but, in a sense, so is SNL. So I’d like to deliver… the SNL Commencement Address:

“Distinuished guests… audience members… to all of you watching at home tonight or, more realistically, Monday orning on a computer… We’ve come to the end of another season of “Saturday Night Live”. But we did not get to this point alone. I think we should take a moment to thank our families for all the have done for us. Family — [ the audience cheers ] Family should always come first. Your relatives should be valued above all others. Here, in this order: My brother, Billy, first… and then my brother Daniel and Stephen kind of jockeying back and forth for second position. I’ll wrap things up; I’m not one of those people who loves to hear the sound of his voice. I don’t have to, because so many other people love the sound of my voice. It’s an incredible voice. But I want to share a piece of advice: Follow your dreams. They can take you to some amazing places. You know, 20 years ago there was a young movie star living in Hollywood, but he wanted more. So he worked and he worke,d and he dreamed and he dreamed. Yes, he had his share of setbacks, including a difficult public divorce from a beautiful, complicated actress… but he never lost hope, and his dream came true. Because today that movie star’s on a sitcom, and he’s happy. Happier than he’s ever been. How do I know? Because, ladies and gentlemen, that man… is Charlie Sheen.

We have a great show tonight! Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers are here!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Oil Spill Press Conference

Tony Hayward…..Bill Hader
Steve Newman…..Fred Armisen
Tim Probert…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: And now, a message from the people who ruined our ocean.

[ dissolve to press conference set-up ]

Tony Hayward: Good evening. I’m Tony Hayward, from British Petroleum.

Steven Newman: I’m Steven Newman, from Transocean.

Tim Probert: And I’m Tim Probert, from Halliburton! [ he grins laciviously ] We’re ba-a-a-ack!

Tony Hayward: You probably heard we’ve made several attempts to contain the spill. An early plan was called the Top Hat. That’s where we try to cover the leak with a large containment tank.

Steven Newman: [ matter-of-factly ] This plan did not work.

Tony Hayward: Then we tried something involving a giant tube. This plan was dear to my heart because it was a suggestion of my five-year-old daughter.

Tim Probert: It was a total failure!

Tony Hayward: We’ve also announced a new plan called… The Junk Shot. That’s where we shoot a pile of garbage AT the leak, and try to plug it up.

Steven Newman: Now, that one hasn’t failed yet… but we’re confident it will.

Tony Hayward: Those are the only plans we’ve announced so far, but, tonight, we’ve come together to assure you we have MANY other ideas. Ideas formulated by our top scientists, using state-of-the-art technology. The first plan is called… Dolphins With Mops.

Steven Newman: That’s where we round up a bunch of dolphins and Scotch-tape mops to their fins.

Tim Probert: It may not work, but, rest-assured, Halliburton WILL make a profit! [ he clenches his fist ]

Tony Hayward: Our next plan is called… The Schweppes Offensive. That’s where we fight the oil spill head-on with a bunch of club soda.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. Club soda gets EVERYTHING out.

Steven Newman: Now… you might ask, “How could that possibly work?” [ he leaves it at that ]

Tony Hayward: Another idea we have is… The Oil Whisperer.

Steven Newman: Uh… we would hire someone like the Dog Whisperer, but… for oil.

Tim Probert: Mmm-hmm. And, he would go up to the oil and say, “Bad oil! Stop it!”

Tony Hayward: [ quieting him down ] And… there are many more. Like… Aquaman. Blame The French. Duct Tape. And, our personal favorite… The Back-Up Plan. That’s where we blow this whole oil mess off and go see J-Lo’s new romantic comedy, “The Back-Up Plan”! It might not help, but I think we could all use the laughs!

[ they all giggle coquettishly ]

Tim Probert: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…

Tony Hayward: No matter what happens, we just want to assure the American people that we WILL stop this leak, we WILL clean up this mess, and we WILL get back to do what we do best: Robbing you blind at the gas pump! And, finally, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Preniva

Sally Field…..Abby Elliott

[ open on Sally Field seated on couch ]

Sally Field: Hi, I’m Sally Field. I want to talk to you about a problem that lots of women face: Bone Loss. Even if you don’t have it now, no matter what age you are, ALL women are inherently weak and very fragile!

[ Sally stands next to a skeleton ]

Sally Field: You get this ONE body! And this ONE life! You have to take care of this now.

[ she rests her hand on the skeleton’s shoulder, causing it to collapse and shatter at her feet ]

Sally Field: Are ya’ bummed yet? That’s why there’s Preniva. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with you to take Preniva. You just have to be scared — which you should be.

Preniva makes sure you’ll be able to keep doing your favorite, everyday, low-impact activities. Like doing yoga! Spritzing your plant! Fanning out your magazines! Swallowing pills for other things your doctor scared you with! And having bangs! [ she smiles at her demonstration ]

Preniva won’t solve all your problems — you’ll always be a woman.

[ cut to Sally seated next to a stacked Jenga tower ]

Sally Field: This is the average woman’s spine. And this is your spine without Preniva: [ she pulls a peg from the bottom, causing the tower to topple ] I’m not fucking around, you guys!

[ cut to product logo ]

Announcer: Preniva. Your weakness is our strength.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Scrotox

Spokesperson…..Alec Baldwin
Guy #1…..Bill Hader
Guy#2…..Fred Armisen
Guy#3…..Jason Sudeikis
Nurse…..Jenny Slate
Announcer…..Steve Higgins
Girlfriend…..Abby Elliott

FADE IN:

[ Three MEN all sit next to each other. ]

Guy #1: Fine lines and wrinkles…

Guy #2: …deep furrows and creases…

Guy #3: …sagging skin and looseness…

[ A SPOKESPERSON comes in. ]

Spokesperson: Women aren’t the only ones who want smooth skin – men do too. If sagging skin and wrinkles are holding you back, maybe it’s time you try Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Guy #1: Scrotox? What’s that?

Spokesman: Scrotox is nothing more than a botulism toxin that we shoot straight into your scrotum.

Guy #2: How does it work?

[ COMPUTER ANIMATION of a male human body appears. It scans down to the testicles. ]

Spokesperson (V/O): Scrotox plumps and tightens a man’s unsightly skin down there.

[ The animation shows the testicles are dark purple and wrinkled. ]

Spokesperson: Aren’t you ready for your prunes to become plums?

[ Time-lapse footage shows two shriveled plums between a large Tootsie Roll on a plate becoming ripe. ]

Spokesperson: Now that’s what I call a smooth set of luggage.

[ All the men laugh. ]

Guy #2: Will I lose feeling down there?

Spokesperson: Oh definitely! It’s poison, but your gents will be ready for their close-up.

[ A NURSE injects a syringe of Scrotox into the center of a shriveled plum. The men squirm, but all smile after seeing the plum ripen. ]

Announcer (V/O): Ask your doctor about Scrotox. Discomfort is usually minimal and brief… but it’s not.

[ EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO – SUNSET ]

[ Guy #1 is having a candlelit dinner with his GIRLFRIEND. ]

Girlfriend: Something’s different about you… but I like it.

[ Guy #1 faces the camera. ]

Guy #1: Thanks, Scrotox.

[ SUPER: SCROTOX (scrotabotulismtoxina) ]

Spokesperson: Scrotox – You shoot it straight into your balls.

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

An SNL Digital Short

Dennis…..Andy Samberg
Mailman…..Bobby Moynihan
Dennis’s Friend…..Jorma Taccone
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tom Petty
Woman…..Nasim Pedrad
Man…..Bill Hader

[Fade in to a messy kitchen with garbage all over the place. Music begins to play. A man named Dennis pops up from behind the character with white stuff under his nose. It is clear he is on drugs.]

Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s going to be a great day. There’s something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way. [Animated birds appear.] The birds are chirping “tweetle-dee-dee,” the sun is shining bright. There’s a skip in my step, pep in my pep – [he clears his nose] – and I don’t know why!

[The mailman appears.]

Dennis: Hey there, mailman friend. Any letters from my ex-wife or the kids?

Mailman: Nope!

Dennis: Fantastic news. Ha ha hahahaha ha! [Dennis continues to laugh frantically and throws all of the mail the mailman was carrying onto the ground.]

[Dennis moves to the street.]

Dennis: [singing] Wonderful day, makes me feel so happy that my face is numb. [People join Dennis in the street.] My heart is racing along ba-rum-pum-pum-pum-pum-pum. So many places and people to meet now that I’ve lost my job. They say “young man, the world’s your oyster” –

[Two of the people in the street touches Dennis on the shoulder and he begins to flip.]

Dennis: Hey, hey get the [bleep] off me! No! [bleep] no! Just give me a minute.

[Dennis crouches off camera to take more drugs, and he can be heard snorting. He reappears with more white stuff under his nose and begins singing at a much more rapid pace.]

Dennis: [singing] I don’t know why, but today seems like it’s gonna be a great day. La la la, blah blah blah blah, I should spend more time with my kids. It’s carpe diem, gotta seize the day, gonna move to Spain and run with the bulls, and my wife and boss and kids and parents will say “we were wrong about you, Dennis.”

Dennis’s Friend: Hey, Dennis?

Dennis: That’s my name.

Dennis’s Friend: Are you really gonna run with the bulls?

Dennis: Why would I do that?

Dennis’s Friend: ‘Cause you said you were gonna.

Dennis: Come on, man, that was like three days ago! [He suddenly becomes demonic, with red eyes and a deep voice.] OR WAS IT?

[Dennis goes back to singing at his rapid pace.]

Dennis: [singing] Today makes me feel fine and fancy free. Much of the ocean is still unexplored, how did I get up in this tree? Now I’m over here, now I’m over there, now I’m under this dude, now I’m back in the tree, now I’m hanging out backstage with my very best friends Alec Baldwin and Tom Petty.

Alec Baldwin: Get the [bleep] out of here.

Dennis: What?

Tom Petty: Now.

Dennis: Tom?

[The music becomes sad as Dennis is now dressed up nice holding a single rose.]

Dennis: [singing] Why would they dis me? I thought they were my homies! [He sniffs the rose aggressively.]

[Cut back to the street where Dennis is singing and marching with a bunch of people.]

Dennis: [singing] Any problem is solvable, we can feed the hungry and cure disease, but all of that would be a huge of waste of time ’cause we live in “The Matrix.” [The theme music from “The Matrix” begins to play as everyone pretends to dodge bullets the way they did in the movie.]

[Cut to Dennis’s view of two people pushing a stroller. He sees them like they’re in “The Matrix” with green code representing their forms.]

[Cut back to reality where Dennis is in the street alone making sound effects and doing the bullet-dodging maneuvers.]

Woman: What is wrong with him?

Man: He’s on drugs.

Woman: Oh.

[Dennis throws up in the middle of the street.]

[Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 22

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Snipers

Master Sniper….Alec Baldwin
Sampson….Jason Sudeikis
Haley….Kenan Thompson

[opens with an Academy building. Scout Sniper School, Quantico Virginia]

[Two sniper candidates lay down on a grassy knoll pointing high-powered rifles. The Master Sniper lays in the middle of the candidates]

Master Sniper: All right, you pansies! You trained 10 weeks for this moment. You wanna be snipers?

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: You think you got what it takes?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then hear this! You do not fire your weapon until you hear me give the exact order! Human life is at stake and you need to be 100% certain before you pull that trigger! 100%! Is that clear?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded!

Both Snipers: Lock and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Do you have it locked?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you loaded?!

Both Snipers: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: THEN TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

[silence]

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: What?

Master Sniper: Stand down the both of you! [rolls right next to Sampson] Where are you from Sampson?

Sampson: Kansas City, Missouri, sir!

Master Sniper: Show me state, huh?

Sampson: Uh-huh.

Master Sniper: Then you better show me what you got! And TAY DA SHAAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!

Sampson: I’m sorry, sir. I can’t clarify the order. I just want to make sure that I’m hearing you right.

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Haley] What about you Haley? Do you want to be a sniper?

Haley: Yes! I want to serve my country, sir!

Master Sniper: You ever sit alone in the dark and let your mind take control of your soul and try to play God?

Haley: I’m sorry?

Master Sniper: Yes or no! Are you God?! I’ll give a hint—you are!

Haley: Uh, ok.

Master Sniper: Now Haley, tay da shaaa.

Haley: Excuse me?

Master Sniper: Oh, I’m sorry, do you need me to enunciate?

Haley: Yes.

Master Sniper: Tay da shaaaa….TAY DA SHAAAAA!!!!!

Sampson: We can’t understand what you order, sir!

[Master Sniper rolls next to Sampson]

Master Sniper: What the hell did you say to me?!

Sampson: Nothing, sir!

Master Sniper: Well, it sounded like you said something!

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: All right, then don’t move! I got to use the john! [rolls over Sampson out of sight]

Sampson: Oh! He’s saying take the shot, right?

Haley: I don’t know! Why does he say it like that?

Sampson: I do–, I mean, it must be some kind of test—[Master Sniper rolls over Sampson and parks himself next to him] Oh!

Master Sniper: False alarm. I didn’t have to go. I was just laying on my bladder weird. What did I miss? Anyone tay da shaa?

Sampson: No, sir!

Master Sniper: Locked and loaded?!

Both Snipers: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: All right. [Master Sniper gets fully mounted on top of Sampson, then rolls out to Haley]. All right, Haley. I’m just gonna put my hand on the small of your back.

Haley: May I inquire, sir?

Master Sniper: No, you may not! But you know what you can do?

Haley: What’s that, sir?

Master Sniper: You can tay da shaaaa!

Haley: Are you telling me to take the shot?

Master Sniper: I tell you to tay da shaaaa. Now hold yo’ fieee and tay da shaaaa!

Haley: I should hold my fire or should I take the shot?

Master Sniper: Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaaaa!!

Haley: Oh, man! This is messed up!

Master Sniper: Stand down! [rolls next to Sampson] Locked and loaded?!

Sampson: Locked and loaded, sir!

Master Sniper: Good. [ Sampson gets fully mounted by the Master Sniper] God, you must be addicted to—

Sampson: Wait a minute. What are you doing?

Master Sniper: You must be addicted to doing squats.

Sampson: Oh! Excuse me, sir?

Master Sniper: I said locked and loaded!

Sampson: Ok.

Master Sniper: Enemy target at 75 meters!

Sampson: [aiming] I have it locked.

Master Sniper: Do you?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Are you sure?!

Sampson: Yes, sir!

Master Sniper: Then tay da shaaa but hold yo fieeeee!!!!

Sampson: Are you ordering me to take the shot, sir?

Master Sniper: What part of hold yo fieee and tay da shaaa don’t you understand, boy?!

Sampson: All of it, sir!

Master Sniper: Take aim, soldier! Hold yo fieee, tay da shaaaa!!!!

Sampson: I should take the shot?!

Master Sniper: TAY DA SHAAA!!!!

[Sampson fires]

POW!

Man: [off camera] Ow! Who the hell just shot me?!

Master Sniper: Oops.

Sampson: Ooops?! You told me to take the shot!

Master Sniper: No, I didn’t. I told you to “Tay the shaw”. That’s military slang for “stand down”.

Haley: But you also said: “stand down”!

Master Sniper: Yeah, I’m inconsistent.

Sampson: What?! What the hell was “hold yo fiee”?

Master Sniper: I don’t know! It’s some vodoo chick! I lived in Honduras.

Sampson: What?!

Master Sniper: Now, let ge’ ou’ of here!!!

[The trio rolls out of the grassy knoll]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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  Season 35: Episode 221

09v: Alec Baldwin / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Timecrowave

Gram Lampton…..Alec Baldwin
Penny Schmeer…..Kristen Wiig
Alternate Gram…..Kenan Thompson
Alternate Penny…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: [ over card ] The following is a paid advertisement for the Gram Lampton “Timecrowave”.

[ dissolve to set with microwave positioned in front of the window ]

Gram Lampton: Hi, I’m Gram Lampton.

Penny Schmeer: And I’m two-time Miss Indiana runner-up, Penny Schmeer. Hey, Gram, nice to see ya’!

[ the two are obviously reading from cue cards ]

Gram Lampton: Nice to be here, Penny!

Penny Schmeer: Boy, have we got a special treat for you today.

Gram Lampton: We sure do, Penny. You know, the world is moving fast these days, and the last thing I need to do is waste time waiting around for my food.

Penny Schmeer: [ cheerily ] What do you mean?

Gram Lampton: You know how it is: You take it out of the freezer, put it in the microwave, wait two minutes, turn it, pop it back in, and wait another two minutes.

Penny Schmeer: Ugh, wow… that sounds like a NIGHTMARE!

Gram Lampton: You said it, Penny. That’s why I’ve invented… [ points to his creation ] The Timecrowave!

Penny Schmeer: Hmm. Timecrowave?

Gram Lampton: That’s right, the Timecrowave. It’s the only microwave equipped with time travel capabilities.

Penny Schmeer: How does it work?

Gram Lampton: It’s simple. [ Timecrowave hums ] I’m hungry right now. So I just open my Timecrowave, and… [ he pulls out a TV dinner ] Voila! My roast beef dinner is waiting for me, and it’s piping hot!

Penny Schmeer: [ chuckling ] Wow! That looks delicious! But where did that food come from?

Gram Lampton: [ matter-of-factly ] The future!

Penny Schmeer: Come on!

Gram Lampton: I’m serious. Later on, when I’m done eating the roast beef dinner, all I have to do is take a roast beef dinner out of the freezer, put it in the Timecrowave, then send it BACK in time, to the EXACT time that I pulled out the hot meal earlier.

Penny Schmeer: Sounds simple. Now, what happens if you forget to send your meal back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, Penny, if you forget to send the exact meal you ate back in time, you’ll create a paradox, where small differences may start to occur in the space-time continuum.

[ Penny’s hair is now shorter, curlier, and blonde ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh, boy! Just because you want your food fast, you might cause a paradox in time? I don’t know, Gram… isn’t that kind of dangerous?

[ Gram now sports a full moustache ]

Gram Lampton: It could be. The differences could range from very small, to changing history. But I’m sure that something like that will never happen!

[ Penny now sports a shaggy moustache of her own ]

Penny Schmeer: Well, this I’ve got to hear! How have you done that, Gram?

[ Gram is now a Black man ]

Gram Lampton: You see… each meal comes with a card that reminds you you must put the original frozen meal in the Timecrowave and send it back in time.

[ Penny is now a transvestite male ]

Penny Schmeer: Oh! [ she laughs ] That DOES sound safe! Seems like you’ve thought of EVERYTHING!

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: And it works for people like me. You know, I’m always forgetting things: “Where are my car keys?” “Where are my gloves?”

[ Penny is now back to normal, though the American flags down the street outside the window now have Nazi emblems ]

Penny Schmeer: [ laughing ] Now, Gram… how do you know your food has been sent back in time?

Gram Lampton: Well, after you press the START button, you will feel a low-grade electrical charge in your body. That’s how you know that it’s working.

Penny Schmeer: Oh. Sounds like a snap! Now, tell me, how is the food cooked?

[ over animated demonstration ]

Gram Lampton: Well… it’s the time-travel that cooks it. A blast of cosmic radiation creates a tight seal around the frozen dinner. As it travels back from time, thousands of micro-tryhedrian time particles pass through the food, causing it to steam in its own juices.

[ Gram now has horns coming out of his head ]

Gram Lampton: And that’s how it creates the prefect dinner, every time!

[ Penny also has horns coming out of her head, and the exterior window view is covered with apocalyptic flames ]

Penny Schmeer: Sounds delicious!

Gram Lampton: Remember that dinner I pulled out at the beginning of the show, Gwyntyth?

Penny Schmeer: Oh, yeah — of course I remember the dinner from earlier. The one you said we need to remember to send back in time.

[ Gram is now dressed as Dr. Zaius from “The Planet of the Apes” ]

Gram Lampton: Yes. I was going to set the Timecrowave to the date in time we pulled it out. [ he opens the Timecrowave door ] Now, I just pop this chicken dinner in and send it back in time. [ he presses buttons ]

[ the exterior window view reveals the Statue of Liberty waistdeep in sand ]

Penny Schmeer: Wait a minute, Gram… Did you say chicken? I — i’m not sure, but wasn’t it a roast beef dinner?

[ Gram is now back to normal ]

Gram Lampton: Oh! Was it? Are you sure? I’m sure nothing bad will happen.

[ the Timecrowave dings ]

[ the exterior window view now reveals a giant kitty cat looking in and making a threatening meowing sound ]

Announcer: [ over card ] We’ll be right back with Gram Lampton’s “Timecrowave”, after this.

[ loud meowing sound effect ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts