Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez’s Monologue

…..Jennifer Lopez
Dante…..Kenan Thompson
Mannifer Bropez…..Bill Hader
J-Blow…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jennifer Lopez!

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. You know, I was first on this show ten years ago. Back then, I was single and traveling around with a big entourage. It was a crazy time, but you know, people grow up. Now I’m married, with two beautiful children. [ the audience begins to applaud ] Yes! And I’ve left all that stuff behind.

Dante: [ from the audience ] You sure did!

Jennifer Lopez: I’m sorry. Who are you?

Dante: I’m Dante. I was in your entourage for three years. I hold the orange juice, remember?

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, yeah! Hi, Dante. I haven’t seen you in a while. Like I was saying: No, I lead kind of a simple life.

Dante: Yeah, well, now I lead a very simple life. I have no job and my only experience is walking around with a glass of orange juice.

Jennifer Lopez: Hey, Dante, you know, you got to believe in yourself. Remember what I always told you when you were we were back in Bronx?

Dante: Oh, I remember what you told me. “Drop out of Fordham and hold my orange juice.” And I did. I was majoring in alternative fuel biology — and now that’s a thing!

Jennifer Lopez: Well, I’m sorry you’re upset. I guess there are some people who might feel left behind, you know? But you can’t live in the past.

Mannifer Bropez: Yes, you can!

Jennifer Lopez: Hello! Who are you?

Mannifer Bropez: J-Lo drag queens. Remember? We used to go to all your concerts. I’m Mannifer Bropez.

J-Blow: And I’m J-Blow.

Jennifer Lopez: I see. Guys, I think, you know, it’s time to move on. I mean, who is ever going to buy you guys as women?

[ Dante steps forward ]

Dante: Well! Hello there, ladies.

Mannifer Bropez: Oh, my gosh! Is that J-Lo’s orange juice?

Dante: Yeah. Why don’t we get out of here and I’ll let you hold it. And then you could hold the orange juice.

[ the three of them walk off together ]

Jennifer Lopez: I knew Dante would be okay. We have a great show tonight. I’m here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Telemundo Olympics Coverage

Maria Albaniz….Jennifer Lopez
Jorge Cortes….Fred Armisen
Rosa Martinez….Jenny Slate
Ken Frazen….Andy Samberg
Hector Lima….Bill Hader
Little Jefferson….Bobby Moynihan

[Telemundo logo]

Announcer: You’re watching Telemundo.

[salsa music]

[Vancouver 2010]

[sports desk with Latin hosts]

Maria Albaniz: Hola, and welcome back to the Telemundo coverage of the Olympic Games live from Vancouver. I’m Maria Albaniz.

Jorge Cortes: And I’m Jorge Cortes. This is the first time Telemundo has ever covered the Winter Olympics and we keep asking ourselves the same question: Why does anyone likes the Winter Olympics? It is cold and the sports are silly.

Maria Albaniz: It is a mystery to everyone here at Telemundo.

Jorge Cortes: All this sports are on the snow or in the ice. Why would they do this? These are bad slippery surfaces.

Maria Albaniz: Plus, all the sports are either very strange or something you would do if you wanted to kill yourself.

Jorge Cortes: But as a proud member of the NBC familia, we continue to broadcast this nonsense. Let’s go to our own Rosa Martinez at the ski jump.

Maria Albaniz: Hola Rosa! Where are you right now?

[cut to Rosa at the base of a snow covered mountain, behind the ski ramp]

Rosa Martinez: I would say that I’m in hell but it is far too cold for that. So I must be at Whistler Mountain.

Jorge Cortes: Rosa, what is your favorite memory of the games?

Rosa Martinez: I would say the flight here. It was the last time I was warm.

Maria Albaniz: Well, your outfit is very cute.

Rosa Martinez: Gracias for that. But I’m still slightly under dressed. I lost some fingers. [holds up digitless hand]

Jorge Cortes: Rosa, did you see any ski jumping?

Rosa Martinez: Yes, I did. And you’re not gonna believe this. Take a look at this clip.

[clip of aki jumper going down a ski ramp]

Jorge Cortes: It looks like he’s doing fine.

Maria Albaniz: He’s going very fast.

Jorge Cortes: Very nice, lovely.

[ski jumper jumps and flies]

[freaking out]

Jorge Cortes: Where did the ramp go?!! WHERE IS THE RAMP?!!

Maria Albaniz: DIOS MIO!!! Que paso ahi??!! Se va a caer! Se va a caer!

Jorge Cortes: Oh, NO!

[ski jumper lands safely]

Maria Albaniz: [relieved] Oh, God! He’s ok! Thanks goodness!

Jorge Cortes: Rosa, how did this happened? Did they forget to finish building the ramp?

Rosa Martinez: You will not believe this. The ramp was supposed to be like that.

Jorge Cortes: Que, que? No entiendo.

Maria Albaniz: Es loco! You either finish building a ramp or you do not build it at all. No?

Jorge Cortes: This is the madness that happens when a country has no beaches. Joining us is Canadian Olympic Committee spokesman Ken Frazen.

Ken Frazen: Hi, hello. I’m excited to answer some of your questions about the Olympics. And we do have some beaches here.

Jorge Cortes: Heh, heh…I’m sure they are very bad, bad beaches.

Maria Albaniz: So, you’re from Canada, yes?

Ken Frazen: Yes.

Maria Albaniz: So my first question is: Why have you not left this place?

Ken Frazen: Oh, um, I don’t understand.

Jorge Cortes: You know, was there a lottery that decided who could leave, and then you guys lost the lottery and this is why you’re still here…

Ken Frazen: I like it here.

Maria Albaniz: With the snow and the ice? Did you know that there are places with sunshine and dancing?

Jorge Cortes: And not just ice dancing, fun dancing with shoes and even bare feet.

Ken Frazen: Do you have any questions about the Olympic sports?

Jorge Cortes: No. We already know too much.

Maria Albaniz: Thank you, Ken Frazen!

Jorge Cortes: I do not like this Olympic Games. We go now to our own Hector Lima at the Vancouver Olympic Center with the latest in curling action. Hola Hector! What is wrong? You looks upset.

Hector Lima: Si. I’ve been told that curling was like shuffle board. A sport I like and understand.

Jorge Cortes: Ah, yes, yes. Shuffle board, I know this sport.

Maria Albaniz: Yes, I like this. You can play in the short sleeves, with the drinks.

Hector Lima: I was excited to see it. But I have some very sad news. Apparently a water main burst and flooded the shuffleboard court.

Jorge Cortes: Madre de Dios!

Hector Lima: It is so cold that the entire floor is frozen solid. And they’re forced to play shuffleboard with the rocks.

[clip of two men frantically shaving ice and following the curling ice ball]

Jorge Cortes: What are they doing?

Hector Lima: I believe this poor men are trying to melt ice with the brooms. Sweeping and sweeping but it does no good. So sad, so very, very sad.

Jorge Cortes: Well, I think we have a surprise that may cheer you up!

Hector Lima: No. Nothing could cheer me up.

Jorge Cortes: Don’t look now Hector but I think Little Jefferson has a present for you!

[Little Jefferson is man dressed as a little rascal kid holding a cream pie]

Hector Lima: Oh, Jeff, no. Go away! No, now its not the time. Olympic show is ruined. It’s tragico.

[Little Jefferson goes away sad]

Maria Albaniz: Ay, pobre Jefferson. Es muy tragico.

Jorge Cortes: Si. Very sad, very sad news from the Olympic shuffleboard Center. When we return, more freezing insanity.

Maria Albaniz: I want to go home now.

Jorge Cortes: Yeah, me too.

[salsa music plays]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

An SNL Digital Short

[ open on crowd cheering, as a majorette waves a pair of flags ]

Jingle:
Flags! Of! The World!

American flag.
Canadian flag.
Danish flag.
Spain-ish flag.

Brit flag.
Brit flag.
Brett flag.
Brett flag.

Czech flag.
Check flag.
Check flag.
Check flag.

Scotch flag.
Scotty flag.
Hottie and the Nottie flag.

State flag.
Steak flag.
Just Stepped On a Rake flag.

Wrist flag.
Ankle flag.
Big Ol’ Double Cankle flag.

Flags! Of! The World!

Light flag.
Kite flag.
We love Betty White flag.

Moz flag.
Boz flag.
Skagg flag.
Jag flag.
Snag flag.
Flag Shag.
Snapped in a flag mag.

Wearing Garbage Bags Taking Drags from a Fag flag.

Wales, Chile, Turkey flags.
Turkey chili whale’s flags.

Yahtzee flag.
R.O.T.C. flag.
Neo-Nazi Potzie flag.

Flags! Of! The World!

Rasta flag.
Pasta flag.
Confused Fan of Lost-a flag.

Sag flag.
Gag flag.
Girlfriend on the Rag flag.

J. Lo wearing Day-glo and a Halo Made of Play-Doh flag.

Stag flag.
Freak flag.
Can I Get a Peek flag.

Nap on flag.
Clap on flag.
Little Naughty Strap-On flag.

White flag.
Black Flag.
Bread flag.
Red flag.

Flags! Of! The World!

“No You Didn’t” flag.
“Yes, I Did” flag.

Biggie flag.
Baggie flag.
Maggie dressed in Draggie flag.

Ziggy flag.
Zaggy flag.
Flaggy Flaggy Flaggy flag.

Flags! Of! The World!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Smash Mouth

Mom…..Jennifer Lopez
Cecilia…..Nasim Pedrad
Dad…..Jason SudeikisSteve Harwell…..Bobby MoynihanMichael Klooster…..Bill HaderGreg Camp…..Fred Armisen

[ open on exterior, house, night ]

[ dissolve to interior, Cecilia’s bedroom, as her Mom reads a bedtime story ]

Mom: And the bears felt really good about everything, and so did the owls. The end. Good night, sweetie. [ she kisses Cecilia on the head ] Sleep tight.

Cecilia: [ apprehensively ] Okay.

Mom: What’s wrong?

Cecilia: I’m scared. They’re going to come out again!

Mom: Cecilia, I’ve told you a million times — you have nothing to be afraid of. There’s nothing in your closet. Come here.

[ Mom pulls Cecilia out of bed ]

Cecilia: Mom, I don’t want to!

[ Mom opens the closet ]

Mom: See? Nothing. Okay? Now go to sleep. [ Cecilia climbs back into bed ] Good night, baby.

[ Mom exits the bedroom and hits the lights ]

[ Cecilia watches in fear as a pink light appears from her closet ]

[ suddenly, the band Smash Mouth bursts out of her closet, singing ]

Smash Mouth: [ singing ]
“Somebody once told me, the world is going to roll me!
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed!”

Cecilia: [ screaming ] Mom! Mom!

[ Mom rushes in, as the band retreats back into the closet ]

Mom: Honey, what is it?!

Cecilia: Smash Mouth! Smash Mouth!

Mom: [ confused ] What are you saying?

Cecilia: Smash Mouth! Smash Mouth came out of my closet and sang that song again!

Mom: Honey, I don’t — I don’t see Smash Mouth anywhere.

Cecilia: Ohhh…

Mom: Now, you’ve got a Tae Kwon Do tournament in the morning, so just close your eyes and try to fall asleep.

Cecilia: Okay… I’ll try…

[ Mom exits the bedroom and hits the lights ]

[ Cecilia watches in fear as a pink light appears from her closet ]

[ suddenly, the band Smash Mouth bursts out from under her bed, singing ]

Smash Mouth: [ singing ]
“Somebody once told me, the world is going to roll me!
I ain’t –“

Cecilia: Mom! Mom! They came back! Hurry!

[ Mom rushes in, as the band quickly retreats into the closet ]

Mom: Honey, what’s going on?!

Cecilia: Smash Mo-o-o-o-outh!

Mom: And don’t say Smash Mouth again…

Cecilia: But they were! They keep coming out and singing that song!

Mom: What song?

Cecilia: I don’t want to sing it, or it’ll get stuck in your head and you won’t be able to get it out!

Mom: Well, where is Smash Mouth now?

Cecilia: They’re back in the closet!

Mom: Oh!

[ she storms over to the closet and thrusts the door open without actually peeking inside. Of course, there they are. ]

Mom: Look! No Smash Mouth.

Cecilia: Mom, they’re right there. I can see their soul patches!

Mom: [ without bothering to look ] I don’t see any Smash Mouth!

Cecilia: Smash Mouth is right in front of you!

Mom: [ disgusted, she slams the door ] This needs to stop, Cecilia!

[ Dad enters the bedroom ]

Dad: What is all the commotion in here?

Cecilia: Daddy, I can’t sleep!

Mom: She says the band Smash Mouth is in her closet.

Dad: Smash Mouth? Smash Mouth. [ thinking ] Wait a minute, are those the guys that did the, um — [ singing ] “Do, do, do, do, do –“

Cecilia: No! That’s Third Eye Blind.

Dad: Oh.

Cecilia: Smash Mouth are the ones that do: [ loudly ] Some-BODY –“

Dad: Oh, yeah, yeah! No, I remember that. I know that song, sure. Yeah, kind of a, uhhh, what are they — skate punk band.

Mom: I — I think they were more like beach rock.

Dad: Oh, is that what it’s called?

Cecilia: Mom, Dad!

Mom: Look — either way… they are NOT in your closet.

Cecilia: But, Mom!

Mom: And that’s that. Now, go to sleep.

Cecilia: Ohhhh…

Mom: That’s it!

[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and hits the lights ]

[ Cecilia watches in fear as a pink light appears from her closet ]

Cecilia: Oh… Smash Mouth… Smash Mouth… Smash Mouth…

[ she climbs out of bed ]

[ suddenly, the band Smash Mouth bursts through the wall, singing ]

Smash Mouth: [ singing ]
“Somebody once told me, the world was going to roll me –“

Cecilia: MOM!! MOM!! MOM!!

[ Mom rushes in, as the band quickly freezes in place ]

Mom: CECILIA!!

Cecilia: SMASH MOUTH!! [ she points at the band ]

Mom: No one is in here!

Cecilia: What?!

Mom: Baby, baby, baby, here. What happens when Smash Mouth comes?

Cecilia: They sing that song.

Mom: Now, what’s so bad about that? Do you agree that that it’s a catchy song?

Cecilia: Yeah.

Mom: Didn’t you set your end-of-the-year soccer montage video to that song?

Cecilia: Yeah.

Mom: And weren’t you excited when Mr. Gordon played it when he juggled in the faculty talent show?

Cecilia: Yeah.

Mom: Yeah. What about when your unemployed cousin made it his ring tone?

Cecilia: Yeah.

Mom: And aren’t you THRILLED when it plays in the bathroom of that Baja Fresh?

Cecilia: Always.

Mom: Now, those are happy times, right? [ Cecilia nods ] Smash Mouth may not be Mozart, but they never claimed to be. They’re just some positive guys from San Jose who are trying to have some fun.

[ the band nods at this positive description of themselves ]

Mom: They’re chill bros, Cecilia. Smash Mouth is nothing to be afraid of. Does this sound scary to you? [ singing ] “So much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with taking the back street?”

Cecilia: [ singing ] “You’ll never know if you don’t go!”

Mom: [ singing ] “You’ll never shine if you don’t glow!”

[ the band takes center stage and Dad runs into the room to join the fun ]

All: “Hey now! You’re an all-star! Get your game on, go play!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14

09o: Jennifer Lopez

We Are The World 3

Quincy Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Rihanna…..Jennifer Lopez
Gwen Stefani…..Kristen Wiig
Shakira…..Nasim Pedrad
Eddie Vedder…..Bill Hader
Willie Nelson…..Will Forte
Adam Lambert…..Jason Sudeikis
Lady Gaga…..Jenny Slate
Melissa Etheridge…..Abby Elliott
David Crosby…..Bobby Moynihan
Josh Groban…..Andy Samberg
Carlos Santana…..Fred Armisen
Robin Thicke…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: And now a message from Quincy Jones.

(Cut to Quincy Jones in the recording studio.)

Quincy Jones: Hello, I’m Quincy Jones. Recently, the music world came together to release “We Are The World 2”, a song to raise awareness for the Haiti earthquake disaster. Sadly, the song itself was a disaster. While the original “We Are The World” brought together stars like Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen, and Tina Turner — this new version was a sloppy mess of half-famous Brandos like Bitsy Bone and Hissy Russell. It was bad, but we will heal — as we always do — through song. That’s why I’ve assembled another group of musicians for: WE ARE THE WORLD 3: RAISING AWARENESS OF THE WE ARE THE WORLD 2 DISASTER!

(Cut to a recording studio littered with music superstars. To the tune of “We Are The World”. Cut to Rihanna and Gwen Stefani.)

Rihanna: (Singing)
“There comes a time, eh.
When we heed a certain call, eh.
And the world must come together as one.”

Gwen Stefani: (Singing)
“There were people singing, some famous but mostly not.
A big swing that didn’t work at all.”

Chorus: (Singing)
“We are the world, was good the first time.”

(Cut to Rihanna and Gwen Stefani.)

Rihanna: (Singing) “But this remake, it was a big mistake.”

Gwen Stefani: (Singing) “Though well intentioned.”

(Cut to Shakira.)

Shakira: (Singing) “It just seemed chaotic and so disorganized.”

(Cut to Eddie Vedder.)

Eddie Vedder: (Singing) “Most people wouldn’t take off their sunglasses, yeah!”

Chorus: (Singing) “Let’s stress again, the good intentions.”

(Cut to Willie Nelson.)

Willie Nelson: (Singing)
“But, hey, come on.
I think I saw Vince Vaughn, and that’s Jeff Bridges.”

(Cut to Adam Lambert.)

Adam Lambert: (Singing) “Almost half the solos were cheaply auto-tuned.”

(Cut to Willie Nelson.)

Willie Nelson: (Singing) “And the whole thing seemed to frighten Justin Beiber.”

Chorus: (Singing) “Let’s stress once more, these people meant well.”

(Cut to Lady Gaga.)

Lady Gaga: (Singing) “But tell me who is this weird dude right in the front row?”

(Cut to Melissa Etheridge.)

Melissa Etheridge: (Singing)
“There was someone’s baby, and a man who’s now in jail.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
A guy everyone hates, and Wyclef’s crazy yell!”

(Cut to Adam Lambert.)

Adam Lambert: (Singing) “Ohhhhh, and standing in the back, the icing on the cake.”

(Cut to David Crosby.)

David Crosby: (Singing) “Next to Vince Vaughn, could that be Fonzworth Bentley?”

Chorus: (Singing) “It’s been confirmed, it’s Fozworth Bentley.”

(Cut to Rihanna.)

Rihanna: (Singing) “He was the fellow who held the umbrella for P. Diddy. (‘ella, ‘ella!)

(Cut to Carlos Santana and Josh Groban.)

Josh Groban: (Singing)
“We were there, I tell you
’twas like the glimpse of hell
if everyone in hell smelled like weed.”

Chorus: (Singing) “We are the world”

Adam Lambert: (Singing) “We are the world!”

Chorus: (Singing) “was good the first time.”

(Cut to Lady Gaga.)

Lady Gaga: (Singing) “But this new tape was like a bad remake they did of Psycho.”

Chorus: (Singing)
“Wait, oh my God, that had Vince Vaughn, too?
It all makes sense, it all makes sense, it all makes sense now.
We are the world”

Adam Lambert: (Singing) “We are the world”

Chorus: (Singing) “Was good the first time.”

Adam Lambert: (Singing) “Was good the first time.”

(Cut to Quincy Jones.)

Quincy Jones: Hmm. Well, that was pretty bad, too. Damn. Well, we’re 1 for 3. And, “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”

Submitted by: Samantha Hunt

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:















Bit Players:

March 6th, 2010

Zack Galifianakis

Vampire Weekend

None

Brian Williams

Mehmet Oz

Jack McBrayer

Jane Krakowski

Anthony Anderson

Jeremy Sisto

Paul Rudd

Frank Rich

None


Health Care ReformSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) is determined to pass a Health Care reform bill even if it is unpopular.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid.

Transcript

Montage

Zack Galifianakis’ MonologueSummary: Zack Galifianakis delivers comic one-liners while playing a soft tune on a piano.

Transcript

VogelchecksSummary: The affectionate Vogelcheck Family (Fred Armisen, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Bobby Moynihan) greet one another with open arms and wet, sloppy kisses at Grandpa’s funeral.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Vogelcheck, Mrs. Vogelcheck, Dwayne Vogelcheck.

Transcript

BidetSummary: Hotel guests (Zack Galifianakis, Kristen Wiig) are curious about the limits that can be imposed upon their suite’s bidet.

Transcript

Zach Drops By The SetSummary: Various NBC telecasts are interrupted when Zack Galifianakis appears in the background.

Transcript

TodaySummary: Drunken Kathie Lee Gifford (Kristen Wiig) uses Oscar nominee titles to mock Hoda Kotb (Jenny Slate), while Zack Galifianakis peeks in the window to pursue his obsession with Kotb.

Recurring Characters: Kathie Lee Gifford, Hoda Kotb.

Vampire Weekend performs “Cousins”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Mo’Nique (Kenan Thompson) practices her Oscar acceptance speech, in order to hold it down to 45 seconds. Will Forte sings a song to commemorate Women’s Herstory Month.

Transcript

What Up With That?Summary: Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts guests Paul Rudd, Frank Rich, and Lindsey Buckingham (Bill Hader) so he can continue singing his theme song.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Lindsey Buckingham, Jessica McClure.

Transcript

The Situation RoomSummary: Wolf Blitzer (Jason Sudeikis) delivers the hard news as provided by CNN viewers.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Christine Amanpour.

Vampire Weekend performs “Giving Up The Gun”

Pageant TalkSummary: Beauty queen’s (Jenny Slate) moment in the sun is ruined by the bickering between her parents (Zach Galafianakis, Kristen Wiig) on their pageant talk show.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Broadview SecuritySummary: Homeowner (Nasim Pedrad) is protected no matter what variety of male predator tries to break through her door.

Note: This commercial parody will air in the next episode, hosted by Jude Law.

Bob & StaciaSummary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Nasim Pedrad) are oblivious to how annoying their adopted children Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and Bob (Zach Galifinakis) are.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.

HomeworkSummary: As a teenager (Abby Elliott) does her homework, President James A. Garfield (Zach Galifinakis) comes to life.

DatelineSummary: Keith Morrison (Bill Hader) revels even further in the misery of his interview subjects.

Recurring Characters: Keith Morrison.

Dr. Gizmo’s Barrel of FunSummary: Sad that his wife is sick, Dr. Gizmo (Zach Galifinakis) uses a barrelful of props to convey his emotions to a friend (Kenan Thompson).

Lesbian WeddingSummary: Two lesbians (Kristen Wiig, Nasim Pedrad) are interrupted at their wedding when manipulative ex-boyfriend Hamilton (Will Forte) shows up begging for a second chance.

Recurring Characters: Hamilton.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Bidet

Attendant…..Andy Samberg
Male Guest…..Zack Galafiankis
Female Guest…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Hotel Del Coronado in Coronado, California ]

[ dissolve to interior, suite bathroom ]

Attendant: And the bathrooms in each of our executive suites come with a whirlpool tub, radiant heating and a rainfall shower head.

Male Guest: Hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Female Guest: It’s neat!

Attendant: And, If you follow me, I can show you the master bedroom.

Male Guest: And the… [ dramatic pause ] bidet… comes standard?

Attendant: Uh — yes, you’ll find a bidet in all our executive suites.

Female Guest: And, uh, there’s no additional charge for using the, uh… bidet? No per use fee or debit system?

Attendant: No, ma’am, use of the bidet is complimentary.

Female Guest: Very nice, very nice. Good to know.

Attendant: Would you like to see the master bedroom?

Female Guest: And, uh, the bidet… is in good, working order… the bidet?

Attendant: I believe so, yes.

Male Guest: And there’s a… a sturdiness to it… the bidet? It can… accommodate… a fairly heavy carriage?

Attendant: I think it’s a very standard bidet.

Male Guest: Hmmm, I see.

Female Guest: Good, good, good. And the… water pressure?

Male Guest: Ah, yes. And the water pressure… in the bidet? Should it prove… insufficient… is there an adjustment… that can be made… to possibly increase… the pressure substantially?

Attendant: I don’t think so, no.

Male Guest: Hmm, I see.

Attendant: Our sheets in the bedroom boast a 600 thread count.

Male Guest: And the bidet, should it break — is there a… bidet repairman on site?

Attendant: If there’s any problem with the bathroom —

Female Guest: It would be the bidet.

Male Guest: The bidet.

Attendant: We would just call a plumber.

Female Guest: And, uh, this plumber, he can handle even the most… extreme bidet problems?

Attendant: He’s a very competent plumber.

Male Guest: And should the bidet… be damaged beyond repair… how soon… would you be able to replace it with a new bidet?

Attendant: I really don’t know the answer to that.

Male Guest: Hmm. That’s worrisome.

Female Guest: I don’t want to hear that. And… should we have, uh, an unexpected overnight guest… do you offer a roll-away bidet?

Attendant: I don’t believe that exists.

Male Guest: It’s 2010. You would think —

Female Guest: You could draw up a plan.

Male Guest: And are there any… hidden cameras in the bathroom… that might be ble to record whatever is taking place in or around the bidet? Perhaps a toilet cam?

Attendant: No, there are no cameras anywhere in the bathroom.

Female Guest: Hmm. That’s a shame.

Male Guest: That’s too bad.

Female Guest: And… the nearest hospital? That would be?

Attendant: St. George Medical Center. It’s about three miles east of the hotel.

Male Guest: And their ambulances… do they have bidets? Or would there be a gap… between the hotel and the hospital… bidetwise?

Attendant: I doubt the ambulances have bidets. I also doubt the hospital has a bidet.

Male Guest: And with the doctors at the hospital… there’s an understood confidentiality, correct?

Female Guest: They’re seasoned professionals? They’ve “seen it all”, so to speak?

Male Guest: They’ve had their gag reflexes removed, haven’t they?

Attendant: Okay, you know what? I’m going to just leave you two alone.

Female Guest: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you go, let us give you a little something for your trouble.

[ she hands the boy a soggy dollar bill ]

Attendant: Uh — why is this wet?

Male Guest: I’m not going to lie to you — [ he pulls out another soggy dollar and hands it over ] It involves a bidet.

[ the boy chucks the dollar bills to the floor and exits the bathroom, leaving the couple to look exasperatedly at their wet money on the floor ]

[ cut back to exterior, hotel ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Goodnights

…..Zach Galafianakis

Zach Galafianakis: Thanks to Vampire Weekend, Paul Rudd, Frank Rich, the cast and the crew, Lorne Michaels, everybody in this building! Thank you very, very, very, very much. Thank you for the pageant of LIIIIIFE!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Vogelchecks

Ronny…..Bobby Moynihan
Shelley…..Jenny Slate
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristen Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck…..Fred Armisen
Dwayne…..Bill Hader
Old Man…..Kenan Thompson
Father Yankovic…..Zach Galifianakis
Old Lady…..Abby Elliott
Great Grand Father Vogelcheck…..Will Forte

[Scenes open to the exterior of a funeral house with 2 black limos and a hurs parked in the front]

Ronny: Ah Shelley Thank you for traveling with me to my Great Grand father’s funeral.

Shelley: Are you kidding? You’re my Guy. I want to be with you… the good times and the bad.

[Ronny laughs]

Ronny: Well i guess one good thing to come out of this is that you’ll get to meet the whole family but i should probably tell you my family is pretty close.

Shelley: Ok.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ronny!

Ronny: Oh hi mom!

Mrs. Vogelcheck: It’s so good to see you!

[Mrs. Vogelcheck walks up to Ronny and extends her arm to give Ronny a kiss on the right cheek.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Look at you all sharp.

[Mrs. Vogelcheck leans in and keeps giving Ronny a kiss after each word she says.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: In your suite (Kiss on the cheek). I’m so glad (Kiss on the cheek). That you can (Kiss on the cheek). Make it to the service.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey There. You look like my son Ronny.

Ronny: Hey Dad

[Both Ronny and Mr. Vogelcheck chuckle]

Ronny: I’m sorry about grand pa Vogelcheck.

Mr. Vogelcheck: That’s ok he lived a full life.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He’s in a much better place

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: I’m just happy (Kisses Ronny on the cheek). That we can all (Kiss on the cheek). Be together (Kiss on the cheek).

[Camera cuts back to Shelley with a look of disgust on her face. She seems very uncomfortable.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Don’t you forget. Your great grand father loved you.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Loved You

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Do you understand that?

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You’re a man.

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He loved you

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: He loved you

[Mr. Vogelcheck leans over and kisses Ronny on the mouth twice.]

Ronny: Mom, Dad this is Shelley the girl i told you about.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Miss Shelley, thank You for being here.

[Mr. Vogelcheck takes a bow]

Shelley: I’m… I’m so sorry for your loss.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Ah! I appreciate that but we have a saying in the Volgelcheck family: “Never says you’re sorry and never admit your wrong”

[Everybody nods in agreement.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Ronny we’ll be here for a little bit and then proceed with the service.

Mr. Vogelcheck: My beautiful wife she has handle all the details this week. You know who you are? your my rock.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh Hunny!

Mr. Vogelcheck: you are my rock.

[Mr. Vogelcheck and mother move in and put there lips together and make multiple “nums” sounds]

[Mrs. Vogelcheck sticks out her tongue and Mr. Vogelcheck puts his mouth over her entire tongue]

[Camera cuts to Shelley and Ronny. Shelley is in disgust but Ronny is flattered by the love his parents are showing]

[Dwayne comes threw the doors behind Shelley and Ronny]

Dwayne: Hey! You got Humpty Dumpty in here.

[Dwayne grabs Ronny by the shoulders.]

Ronny: Oh hey Dwayne.

Dwayne: Ah dating a new girlfriend but you used to play with dolls?

Ronny: Oh Come on man.

[Shelley Ronny and Dwaine chuckle]

Dwayne: I’m just trying to light the mood. Hey come here.

[Dwayne leans in and starts to make out with Ronny. Shelley tries to look away from both men kissing. Ronny attempt several times to put his hand on Dwayne’s face while they kiss but Dwayne pulls his hand down. Dwayne puts his hand on Ronny’s breasts.]

Dwayne: Alright!

Ronny: Dwayne!

[Dwayne and Ronny both chuckle]

Dwayne: Hey Pop!

[Dwayne reaches down and grabs Mr. Vogelcheck groin]

Dwayne: Ma!

[Dwayne reaches over and grabs Mrs. Vogelcheck breasts]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Dwayne thank you for picking up all the cold cuts

Dwayne: Ah don’t mention it. It’s just a bunch of turkeys roll up into little shapes. You know?

[An old man enters the room]

Old Man: Excuse me! Is this the service for Arthur Monroe?

Mr. Vogelcheck: I’m… I’m sorry this is the wrong room.

Old Man: Oh! Well.. Thank you kindly

[Old man leans over and kisses Mr. Vogelcheck on the mouth and leaves the room]

[Camera cuts to Shelley and Ronny. Shelley is shocked to see both the old man and Mr. Vogelcheck kissing]

Mrs. Vogelcheck V/O: Come on let’s take a load off.

[Mrs. Vogelcheck leads Shelley and Ronny to take a seat close to the casket.]

[Dwayne stands beside Mr. Vogelcheck]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You look great.

Dwayne: Ah!

Mr. Vogelcheck: you look really great

Dwayne: Thanks

Mr. Vogelcheck: You look really really great

Dwayne: Ya Thanks. Look!

[Father Yankovic enters the room.]

Father Yankovic: Hello Volgelchecks.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Father Yankovic

Father Yankovic: Please know that grand father Volgelcheck is at peace.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Thank You (in a sad tone)

[Father Yankovic grabs Mr. Volgelcheck behind the head and dips him. He starts to make out with Mr. Volgelcheck. After a while Father Yankovic brings Mr. Volgelcheck back to his feet]

Father Yankovic: Dwayne i have not seen you in service in a while

Dwayne: Hey Father i don’t mean disrespect.

Mr. Vogelcheck: You listen to this man he is very religious

Father Yankovic: Thank You

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Father Yankovic: I respect you.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You’re a wise man

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: You’re a smart man

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: An a good one.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: It’s ok

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and gives Father Yankovic a kiss on the mouth]

Mr. Vogelcheck: I don’t mind

[Camera pans out and sees Father Yankovic and Mr. Volgelcheck kissing in the background. Shelley and Mrs. Volgecheck are sitting on chairs just in front of both men kissing. Shelley is repulsed and disturbed by the reaction between both men.]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ah Shelley please feel free to grab something to eat. I’m sure your hungry after that flight.

Shelley: Thanks Mrs. Volgelcheck i think i might… eh…. grab some coffee.

[Father Yankovic and Mr. Volgelcheck are still kissing in the back ground]

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh ok. If you need any cream let me know. I’m still lactating after all these years.

[Camera cuts to an old lady walking into the room holding a small Pug]

Old Lady: Is this the service for Arthur Monroe?

Dwayne: Oh sorry wrong room.

Old Lady: Oh Thank You

Dwayne: My pleasure.

[Dwayne leans over and kisses the Old Lady on the mouth. Dwayne bends down and starts to kiss the dog in the Old Lady’s arms. The dog starts to lick Dwayne’s mouth. Dwayne then sticks out his tongue and starts to lick and French kiss the dog’s tongue. The dog continues to lick Dwayne’s tongues. Dwayne raises and pats the old lady on the shoulder. The Old lady then walks out of the room.]

[Camera cuts back Shelley, Father Yankovic, Mr and Mrs Volgelcheck. Mr. Volgelcheck and Father Yankovic have stopped kissing. ]

Shelley: You know what? Ronny! I think i should go outside and let you guys grieve as a family. I

[Camera pans out and we can see the entire family]

Ronny: No babe you don’t have to.

Shelley: No i understand

Mr Vogelcheck: HOLD ON! Hold on! I think I know what’s going on here. I think Shelley here might be a little uncomfortable with all this… affection.

[Mr. Volgelcheck walks over to the open casket where Great Grand Father Volgelcheck is laying.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: I’m going to tell you a little story. See this man here. This is my Grand Father. Grand Popo Volgelcheck. For 90 years he worked in a bakery making sweet little cookies to support his family. Every night he would come home and smootch his family. So we knew we were loved. We’re a close family. What can i say? I guess were all a little…. Volgolchecks.

[Camera cuts to Father Yankovic]

Father Yankovic: That was beautiful.

[Camera cuts back to Mr. Volgelcheck beside the casket.]

Mr. Vogelcheck: Good night sweet Prince.

[Mr. Volgelcheck leans over and starts to like the bald head of Great Grand Father Volgelcheck. Mr Volgelcheck continues to lick the top of Great Grand Father Volgelcheck head and starts to move down on Great Grand Father Volgelcheck face till he reaches his mouth. Great Grand Father Volgelcheck opens his mouth and starts to French kiss Mr. Volgelcheck. Great Grand Father Volgelcheck puts his hands on Mr. Volgelcheck’s head.]

[Camera cuts to the entire family watching Mr Volgelcheck make out with Great Grand Father Volgelcheck. The family nods with delight on the affection Mr. Volgelcheck is giving Great Grand Father Volgelcheck.]

Shelley: Ya now this is a family.

[Shelley leans over and kisses Ronny. Shelley then leans over and kisses Mrs. Volgelcheck. Everybody starts to kiss among themselves.]

[Fade to Black]

Transcript by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 16

09p: Zack Galafianakis / Vampire Weekend

Zack Galafianakis’ Monologue

…..Zack Galafianakis

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zach Galifianakis!

Zach Galifianakis: Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Stop clapping. Stop clapping! [ he claps for himself as well ] It’s, uh — it’s great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. [ the audience laughs ] Oh. What’s that? I’ve never hosted? [ he scratches his head, thinking ] I hosted something once. I can’t remember.

Anyway, uh — I was in my dressing room tonight before the show, Fabrezing my beard. And I, uh — I also was, uh, you know — [ he mimes smoking a joint ] Putting on chap stick daintily. And the stylist here at “Saturday Night Live”, she said, “Zach, what kind of look are you going for for your monologue?” And I said, “Well, just give me the Lighthouse Attendant. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me the Homeless Professor. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me Marijuana santa Claus. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me Vice President of Ultimate Frisbee. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me someone who looks like they write on Alpaca message boards. Oh, you’re out of that one? Just give me Wolf Blitzer at Burning Man.”

I live in Brooklyn, and, uh — [ the audience cheers ] I hate it. [ the audience laughs ] I live in a really kind of hip neighborhood, and there’s a lots of too cool for school types. You know, these skinny kids with their skinny jeans? The subway is often late. Everybody is just too cool for school. Everytime I’m on the subway platform, and I finally see the light for the train coming down the tunnel, it takes everything in my body not to yell out: “Hey, everybody! Here comes the choo-choo! Hey, everybody! Here comes the choo-choo!”

Now, um, I’m going to go to the piano and talk about myself. [ he sits in front of the piano ] I really don’t know what I’m doing here! I don’t know what I’m talking aboot. Excuse me — I’ve been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis — [ correcting himself ] Kilometers Davis.

I like dark comedies. That’s why I like the Wayans Brothers.

My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She’s writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It’s pretty good for a girl.

I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird — because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea.

This woman said to me the other day, “Zach, I like your beard,” and I said, “Look, I’m Greek. This isn’t a beard. This is part of my eyebrow.

[ he turns to the band ] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [ the band plays in ] There we go.

Sometimes I’ll do something and I say to myself, “That is so Raven.” And then, other times I’ll do something and I’ll be like, “That was not very Raven.”

If you read my blog, you know I’m a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I’ve been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O’Doul’s, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He’s like, “Son, have you been drinking?” And I’m like, “Uh, sort of.” he said, “What have you been drinking?” and I said “O’Doul’s, nonalcoholic beer.” And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord.

I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.

We have a great show for you tonight. Hoobastank is here! [ he looks off-screen ] No? Who is it? Vampire weekend is here! Stick around!

SNL Transcripts