Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
Actor…..Bobby Moynihan
Ethel Barrymore…..Kristen Wiig
John Barrymore…..Bill Hader
Gertrude Barrymore…..Abby Elliott
Cecil Barrymore…..Andy Samberg
Darius Barrymore…..Kenan Thompson
Girl #1…..Jenny Slate
Girl #2…..Nasim Pedrad

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: Thank you! Wow! Hi, everybody! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! It is SO great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I first got the opportunity to host the show in 1982, when I was seven years old. [ a quick still shot of that episode’s Goodnights ] Yeah! And, tonight, which is my sixth show, which means I’ve hosted more than any other woman in “Saturday Night Live”‘s history. [ the audience cheers ] Pretty wild, huh? WOW!!

I am always THRILLED to be on a stage, too. [ entering Valley-talk mode ] It’s, like, in my DNA! You see, I am so honored to come from a family of great stage actors who performed on Broadway just blocks from here. It was such a magical feeling. We actually have some super-rare footage of my Great Aunt Ethel Barrymore performing at the Lyson Theater in Henry Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House”.

[ cut to rare clip ]

Actor: How unreasonable and how ungrateful you are, Nora! Have you not been happy here?

Ethel Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] You see, Torvald… at first, I thought I was happy… but it has never been so-oh! That is what our marriage has been, Torvald. [ she bows ]

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She was so spesh-ull! My grandfather, John Barrymore, appeared on Broadway in the role of Hamlet. Oh! And we have some film of that, too! It RAWKS!

[ cut to rare clip ]

John Barrymore: [ feyly ] To sleep… perchance to dream… ay, there is the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come. I mean, right, you guys? This ROCKS!![ return to Drew at Home Base, laughing ]

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! I am seriously inspired by their performances! There were also some less famous Barrymores, who were equally as talented. I have another clip from a film, starring my British cousins Gertrude and Cecil Barrymore. It’s 1945’s “Nightfall in Normandy”. Oh! Fun fact: This film was written by another cousin, BARRY Barrymore!

[ cut to film clip, black-and-white wartime scene ]

Gertrude Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I am SO stoked being nursing all these soldiers right now! They are all just, like, so wound-ad… and… awe-some!

[ a shot rings out ]

Cecil Barrymore: [ in Valley-speak ] I was just shot! I saw the bullet coming, and I was just, like, YES! [ he falls to the ground ]

Gertrude Barrymore: You are SUCH a free spirit!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: She WAS… such… a free spirit! There were so MANY Barrymores — ones I didn’t even KNOW about! For example, I only recently found out that I’m related to the great 70’s Blaxploitation star, Darius Barrymore.

[ cut to film clip of pimp and two girls ]

Darius Barrymore: You guys are both total girl-power goddesses! But if you don’t give me my money, I WILL slice you!

[ return to Drew at Home Base ]

Drew Barrymore: [ chuckling ] That was spectacular! Oh! And the hookers? Also played by Barrymores! And they were also… HOOKERS!

We have got a GREAT show for you tonight. The lovely Regina Spektor is here. So, stick around… [ she twirls ] we’ll be right back! [ she bows and nearly trips from the stage ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

An Address by the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Alice…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the president of the United States.

[ dissolve to exterior, Rose Garden, Obama standing behind podium ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Good evening, my fellow Americans. As most of you are probably aware, yesterday the news came that I had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. This came without warning. I didn’t even get a call, as, due to the time difference in Norway, the Nobel people didn’t want to wake me up. I wish they had. Like I said to Hillary Clinton, “Hey, remember that 3:00 AM call you were so worried about? It happened. Nobel Peace Prize!”

Now, this prize bestowed by the Nobel Committee in Norway is given annually to individuals who have made significant contributions to world peace. Jimmy Carter won it for decades of trying to find solutions for international conflicts. Al Gore won it for his years of educating the U.S. about climate change. And us? Well… I won it for not being George Bush. To be perfectly honest, this award was a complete surprise as I have only not been George W. Bush for nine months. But I am deeply honored nonetheless.

And that’s not all that I have to be grateful for. Just moments ago, I was informed, and I almost hesitate to say this, that I won the $70 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery. I know, it’s crazy! The funny thing is, it’s the first Powerball ticket I have ever bought. It’s true! I was driving Sasha and Malia home from school, and we stopped at a 7-11 for sodas. We all chose two numbers and there you have it — $70 million.

Alice, can we bring in that check?

[ Alice, a staffer, enters holding an oversized lottery check ]

President Barack Obama: Look at that! Alice here plays the Powerball every week, so I thought she’d like to hold the check.

[ Alice scowls, then exits ]

President Barack Obama: Of course, I won’t be keeping the money. As with my Nobel Prize money, I will be donating it to charity. But, first, I have an important decision to make: Do I take the money as a one-time lump sum payout, or as an annuity over the next thirty years? It’s a tough decision, so I intend to do what I always do and meet with my financial team: Tim Geithner, Ben Bernanke, Larry Summers. Then whatever they advise, I will do, because those guys do NOT make mistakes. [ quickly ] And I’m sure Michelle will have some ideas, too.

Thank you very much, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

An SNL Digital Short

Brenda…..Drew Barrymore
Shaun…..Fred Armisen
Graduate Student…..Jenny Slate
Graduate’s Father…..Jim Downey
Girlfriend…..Nasim Pedrad
Boyfriend…..Andy Samberg
Patient…..Abby Elliott
Injured Cyclist…..Bobby Moynihan
Grown Son…..Kenan Thompson

FADE IN

INT. PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL STUDIO

LOW GRADE VHS SCREEN RESOLUTION

A married couple, BRENDA & SHAUN, dressed in identical creme white wardrobes with matching haircuts and magenta silk ties knotted around their necks, stand side-by-side.

Brenda: Hi. We’re Brenda & Shaun.

Shaun: Are you looking for entertainment for your party? Let us bring entertainment to YOU!

1980’s SYNTHESZIER POP MUSIC BEGINS.

STAR WIPE

Both start performing mime using orange glowing thumb-shaped orbs.

SQUARE WIPE

Both continue to do various amateur miming movements using the orbs.

DIAMOND WIPE

EXT. NEW YORK BROWNSTONE – BACKYARD – DAY

SUPER: BIRTHDAY PARTY

Shaun (V/O): Hire us for your birthday party.

Brenda & Shaun entertain young children using the orbs.

EXT. NYU – DAY

SUPER: GRADUATION

Brenda (V/O): Graduation.

A GRADUATE STUDENT, in a blue cap & gown w/her FATHER and MOTHER, hold champagne glasses while posing for a photographer. Brenda & Shaun interrupt the photo session to perform their orb tricks.

INT. HOTEL SUITE – NIGHT

SUPER: ENGAGEMENTS

Shaun (V/O): Engagements.

A BOYFRIEND is down on one knee, holding a black box containing an engagement ring before his GIRLFREIND, who is seated on a queen bed covered in rose petals. She clasps her hands to her lips; on the verge of tears. Brenda & Shaun stroll into the suite, performing the orb routine. The engaged couple smiles at first, then show a slight grimace on their faces.

X-SHAPED WIPE

INT. OPTOMETRIST OFFICE – DAY

SUPER: EYE EXAMS

Brenda (V/O): Eye exams.

A PATIENT holds a tong over her left eye, reading an eye chart while her OPTOMETRIST uses a pointer to direct her. Brenda & Shaun sneak in and perform the orb routine. The patient struggles to read the chart. Her optometrist glances down to the floor.

CIRCLE WIPE

EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – NIGHT

SUPER: MEDICAL EMERGENCIES

Shaun (V/O): Medical emergencies.

Brenda & Shaun tip-toe around a fire engine to an INJURED CYCLIST while doing their tricks. The cyclist bleeds from his forehead. Brenda & Shaun play the orbs around the cyclist’s head, who tries to brush them away.

INT. NURSING HOME

MELODRAMATIC MUSIC

SUPER: MEETING YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER

Brenda (V/O): Meeting your biological father.

An ELDERLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN MAN and his GROWN SON share a heartwarming moment. Brenda & Shaun saunter in hamming it up via the orbs. The son clenches his jaw. The father appears confused.

SQUARE WIPE

INT. APARTMENT – NIGHT

1980’S SYNTHESIZER POP MUSIC

SUPER: BANKRUPTCIES

Shaun (V/O): Bankruptcies.

Brenda dances with the orbs in the background. Shaun calculates accounting records and sighs over his conclusions. His left thumb glows from the orb.

INT. APARTMENT – SAME NIGHT

SUPER: EVICTIONS

Brenda (V/O): Evictions.

Brenda and Shaun tip-toe through the hallway, holding a number of cardboard boxes as they pass numerous eviction notices on a message board. A police officer and the building’s superintendent stand somber as the couple departs.

EXT. NYC – ALLEYWAY- NIGHT

SUPER: FAMILY MEALS

Shaun (V/O): Family meals.

Seated on a blanket-covered pavement, Brenda & Shaun consume a dead crow-on-a-stick at the same time. They give each other a “thumbs up” with the orbs.

EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – NIGHT

SUPER: MAKING NEW FRIENDS

Brenda (V/O): Making new friends.

Disoriented and unbathed, Brenda & Shaun do the orb routine as an oncoming couple approaches. The oncoming couple walks around them. A police officer arrives on scene, turns them towards a brick wall, and frisks them.

EXT. NYC – SIDEWALK – MOMENTS LATER

SUPER: ROAD TRIPS

Shaun (V/O): Road trips.

The police officer places Brenda & Shaun in the back of his patrol car. The couple does their act in a desperate fashion as the patrol car drives away.

X-WIPE

INT. PUBLIC ACCESS CHANNEL STUDIO

Brenda & Shaun stand side-by-side.

Brenda: We’re Brenda & Shaun.

Shaun: And we are available.

Together: Let us light up your life!!

Both pull the orbs out of their mouth and hold their arms in the air.

X-WIPE

END

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

La Revista della Televisione con Vinny Vedecci

Vinny Vedecci….Bill Hader
….Drew Barrymore
Show’s director….Fred Armisen
Assistant….Will Forte
Vinny’s Son….Bobby Moynihan

Caption: RAI

Announcer: [speaks Italian] …La Rivista della Televisione e con Vinny Vedecci.

[Cut to montage of American celebrities Don Johnson, Alf, Brian Austin Green intercut with Vinny in his white suit handsomely posing, throwing his jacket over his shoulder, in a heated debate and finally posing with a lit cigarette and winks at the camera]

Vinny Vedecci V/O: Ragazze, regazze a tempo de ver La Rivista della Televisione con mio Vinny Vedecci!!

[Vinny is sitting at a table smoking and having a great time. An ashtray is in front of him overflowing with smoking cigarettes.]

Vinny Vedecci: Bisiando, bisiando, bisiando! On doro Vinny Vedecci, o serebando, la noche del mundo. Eh, caseando eto italiano “50 First Dates”, “Music and Lyrics”, “Driving in the car with the boys” Prego andeago, Drew Barrymore! Drew Barrymore! [Actress/director Drew Barrymore walks in, sits down] Buona sera, Drew Barrymore!. No sera cara faciole, tu sero cara cinema americano—

Drew Barrymore: One second. I don’t mean to interrupt you but I don’t speak Italian. I’m sorry.

Vinny Vedecci: [angry Vinny turns to his director who is smoking and eating pasta, his assistant eats his pasta too like nothing is happening] Carabando! Sarabando! Carevireati!

Show’s director: Ah que diche dera bouca hecha dia! Vincenzo, tropo per favore! Eh?!

Vinny Vedecci:[to Drew] Sorry.

Drew Barrymore: No, I mean, I’m the one who’s embarrassed. I’m sure this has never happened before.

[Vinny looks at the camera for a second, the director and assistant also look]

Vinny Vedecci: Yes. First time. So, when you were seven years old you starred in the classic movie, Et?

Drew Barrymore: What? What movie?

Vinny Vedecci: Et? Et, phone home?

Drew Barrymore: Oh, ok. Actually it’s “E.T”.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, it’s “E.T.”?

Drew Barrymore: Yes.

[More angry arguing in Italian with the show’s director]

Show’s director: Scusi’, Et, “E.T”, Et, “E.T.” Dichi cinema!

Vinny Vedecci: Eh! Detovito! Et? Duh?! So, you been in showbiz a long time, eh?

Drew Barrymore: My whole life.

Vinny Vedecci: And after “E.T” you do drinking and drugs!

Drew Barrymore: Yes, I did. And I did other things too, and it was a rough time when I was younger—

Vinny Vedecci: My son also likes to drink. Where is my bambino? Bambino!

[Vinny’s son comes out with his sailor suit on drinking wine straight from the bottle]

Vinny’s son: Oh, papa! Papa! [kisses Vinny on the head, drinks]

Drew Barrymore: You know what? I have to say, I’m a little worried. Your son might be too young to drink.

[Vinny’s son gets angry at Drew]

Vinny’s son
Vinny Vedecci: Oh! [blows kisses to his son] My little boy. Speaking of your breasts….you showed them once to David Letterman. Yes?

Drew Barrymore: Yes.

Vinny Vedecci: On a talk show…..with a desk?

Drew Barrymore: Yes.

[Vinny clears the table]

Vinny Vedecci:[sleaze oozing] This is a talk show, this is a desk.

Drew Barrymore: Maybe later.

Vinny Vedecci: Eeeeeh. I hear David Letterman apologized because he had affairs with some staff members. So, I want to make apology to the women on my staff who I slept with over the years. In the interest of time, I apologize to this women.

[87 Italian women’s names run up the screen fast]

Drew Barrymore: Wow. You had sex with all those women?

Vinny Vedecci: Si.

Drew Barrymore: And you’re married?

Vinny Vedecci: Si, si. I want to especially apologize to my dear wife and mother of my child. [Vinny shows a wedding photo with his fat Italian wife, Vinny looks miserable on the photo] Here she is. [Vinny looks disgusted by the photo and puts it away] So, eh, eh, what do you want to talk about?

Drew Barrymore: Well, I just directed a movie.

Vinny Vedecci: You directed a movie?

Drew Barrymore: I did. It was so empowering as a woman and it meant a lot to me to make a family-themed movie about strong women.

Vinny Vedecci: We have a great female director in Italy. Very respected. Georgina Desperote!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, I didn’t know her work.

Vinny Vedecci: Oh, we have a picture of her. A picture.[close-up on big breasts] Yeah, she’s very good. Very good. What is your movie called?

Drew Barrymore: It’s called “Whip It”.

Vinny Vedecci: “Whip it”?!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, you know it?!

Vinny Vedecci: Know it? I love it!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, it’s so great when you get to talk to somebody who understands the type of film that you went on to make. I mean, it’s so gratifying—-

[Vinny starts singing Devo’s hit “Whip it”]

Vinny Vedecci: Dadadadada, crack that whip! Dadadadada, give the past a slip! Heh, heh, heh.

Drew Barrymore: Um, ok. I think there has been another in a series of miscommunications. Um, I—

Vinny Vedecci:[continues singing] When a problem comes along—

Show’s director: You must whip it!

Vinny Vedecci: Before the cream sits out too long—

Show’s director: You must whip it!

Vinny Vedecci: When something is going wrong, take it Drew!

[Vinny and the director wait for Drew’s line anxiously]

Drew Barrymore: [gives up] You must whip it!

Vinny Vedecci: Hey! Everybody whip it! That’s the show! Good night!

[Vinny’s son comes out]

[Show’s logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

University of Westfield

Man #1…..Fred Armisen
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Man #2…..Kenan Thompson
Woman #2…..Jenny slate

[ open on man #1 in office setting ]

Man #1: In a tough job market like this one, you need EVERY advantage you can get.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: That’s why I enrolled in the University of Westfield — online!

[ cut to Man #2 sitting in a bar ]

Man #2: [ whispering ] I earned my degree sitting at home in my pajamas!

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: The University of Westfield Online gave me the SKILLS I need to getthe JOB I want! Skills like: Not mentioning in a job interview that I went to an Internet college.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: The University of WestfielcOnline taught me that going to an Internet college is not a thing that would make people want to hire me.

[ show footage of Man #2 on a job interview, as he narrates ]

Man #2: At the University of Westfield Online, you’ll learn valuable techniques on how to respond when someone asks you where you went to school. Techniques like: Changing the Subject… [ he points to a potted planted during the interview ] Pretending Your Phone is Vibrating and You Need to Take a Call… [ he fumbles with his cell phone ] Mumbling… [ he speaks with his hand in front of his mouth ] and Faking a Heart Attack. [ he clutches his chest and falls back in his chair ]

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: They taught me the names of other colleges that I could say that I went to. Great, believable names — like Rutgers, or U.C. Santa Cruz.

[ cut to Man #2 in a meeting ]

Man #2: They also taught me that you could just say the name of a place, like Michigan. People will draw their own conclusions.

[ cut to Man #1 at his desk ]

Man #1: Just DON’T mention that you went to the University of Westfield.

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: And in just four months, when it’s time to graduate, University of Westfield Online will e-mail you a PDF of a diploma… [ show close-up of diploma ] with an intentionally unreadable name of a school. [ sarcastically ] Does that say Yale? It could! So, enroll today. And you could be saying:

Woman #1: Thanks, Cornell!

Man #2: Thanks… Sarah Lawrence!

Woman #2: Thanks, University of Mansin-ken-pin-finley…

[ dissolve to product slide ]

Announcer: University of Westfield Online. Just don’t tell anyone.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 17th, 2009

Gerard Butler

Shakira

None

Dwayne Johnson

James Franco

None

The Rock ObamaSummary: While discussing health care reform with Republican senators, President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) once again becomes angry and morphs into The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) Obama.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joe Biden.

Transcript

MontageNote: Tonight’s episode was sole-sponsored by Bud Light Golden Wheat, with clips of dress rehearsals past aired in place of their own commercials.

Gerard Butler’s MonologueSummary: While attempting to sing a sensitive ballad from “Phantom of the Opera”, Gerard Butler is accosted by several warriors, ninjas, and a dagger-weilding Christine (Kristen Wiig).

Transcript

Fuquay Satin’s Grand Hoochie Skank RoseSummary: (Kenan Thompson) promotes the ideal urban champagne for pouring down women’s asses.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat INote: The cast cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Riding My Donkey Political Talk Show” on 02/14/98.

Game Time With Randy And GregSummary: Randy Dukes’ (Kenan Thompson) efforts to convince callers that co-host Greg (Bill Hader) is not an alien prove to be fruitless.

Recurring Characters: Greg.

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat IINote: Chris Rock cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Perspectives” on 11/02/96.

Beauty and the BeastSummary: While singing their duet, Belle (Kristen Wiig) and the Beast (Gerard Butler) express confusion over which one is actually the beast, because he’s into a woman with a bigger ass.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat IIINote: Harvey Kietel cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Casino” on 01/16/93.

Shakira performs “She Wolf”Lyrics

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat IVNote: Bill Hader cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Scared Straight” on 05/10/08.

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Two Gay Guys from New Jersey who are in the Military (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) comment on the now-defunct “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. The balloon from Colorado drops by to say hi to Seth Meyers. Gerard Butler speaks directly to his family back in Scotland, as Seth Meyers translates. PGAD Sufferer Tamara Parks (Kristen Wiig) involuntarily orgasms several times while discussing her medical malady.

Recurring Characters: Two Gay Guys from New Jersey.

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat VNote: Amy Poehler cracks up during dress rehearsal clips from “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers” on 09/17/09, 09/29/07, and 04/21/07.

300Summary: King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) agrees to lift Sparta’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, but is surprised to discover that all of his gladiators are gay.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat VINote: The cast cracks up during a dress rehearsal clip from “Jeffrey’s” on 02/17/01.

What Up With That?Summary: D’Andre Cole (Kenan Thompson) ignores his guests so he sing his self-indulgent theme song throughout the entire show.

Transcript

SNL Backstage with Bud Light Golden Wheat VIINote: A robot has trouble crashing through a breakaway wall during a dress rehearsal clip from “Robot Dinner” on 11/18/95.

Cottage Cheese PitchSummary: As adman Thomas (Gerard Butler) pitches a campaign to a client (Jason Sudeikis), his annoying secretary, Trina (Kristen Wiig), repeatedly interrupts and calls his name.

Recurring Characters: Trina.

Shakira performs “Did It Again”

DaveheartSummary: Braveheart’s younger brother (Gerard Butler) is an extreme coward.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: “Traveling with P.J.”: P.J. (Kristen Wiig) travels solo to New York City.

GraveyardSummary: Spokesman (Bobby Moynihan) advertises headstones for people with severe health problems.

Clair ButlerSummary: Gerard Butler receives a surprise visit from his sister Claire (Fred Armisen).

Trick or TreatSummary: Registered sex offender Jeff Montgomery (Will Forte) makes a clumsy introduction while trick-or-treating at his neighbors’ (Jason Sudeikis, James Franco) house.

Recurring Characters: Jeff Montgomery.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

300

King Leonidas…..Gerard Butler
Stelios…..Jason Sudeikis
Stefanos…..Fred Armisen
Titos…..Bill Hader
Astinos…..Will Forte
Warrior……Bobby Moynihan

[ open on King Leonidas addressing his army of Spartans ]

King Leonidas: Spartans! A new age has begun! An age of FREEDOM! And all will know… that 300 Spartans… gave their last BREATH to defend it!

Spartans: AH-OOHH!! AH-OOHH!! AH-OOHH!!

Stelios: Uh, excuse me! King Leonidas! Uh, real quick before we go into battle. A lot of us have been wondering about that “promise” you made a while ago.

King Leonidas: [ recollecting ] Oh. Right. Yeah. I know. Uhh — well, about a year ago, I promised to rescind Sparta’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. And I still intend to do that — at some point. But now’s not really the time.

Stefanos: It’s NEVER the time, Leonidas!

King Leonidas: There’s a lot going on right now! We’re in a WAR, if you haven’t noticed! The economy is bad… and, what does it matter, anyway? We are the GREATEST army ever assembled! [ nonchalantly ] I mean, it’s not like any of you are gay.

[ all of the soldiers shift their eyes and look at one another ]

Titos: Ri-i-i-i-ight.

King Leonidas: I mean, look — [ he steps forward ] take Astinos. Astinos, who designed our wonderful uniforms. [ he puts his hand behind Astinos’ head ] Are you telling me you’re gay?

Astinos: Are you asking for yourself, or a friend?

[ Leonidas chuckles heartily ]

King Leonidas: Oh, you’re funny. [ he steps over to Titos ] And Stefanos… and Titos. [ he puts his arm around Titos’ neck ] Inseperable friends. Now, when Stefanos joined this army… you took him under your wing.

Titos: [ he glances at Stefanos ] I did.

King Leonidas: You could almost say Stefanos is… is like a son to you.

Titos: [ coyly ] Oh, please, don’t it like that!

King Leonidas: Every night, you two walk in the woods together for hours. Now, imagine how awkward one of those walks would be… if one of you turned out to be gay.

Stefanos: Yeah, that would be awkward if ONE of us was gay!

[ Titos laughs feyly ]

Warrior: Leonidas is RIGHT! Look, I’m as STRAIGHT as they come! Adn I wouldn’t be able to fight if I thought soem gay guy was checking out my body!!

[ the other Spartans look at one another knowingly ]

Stelios: Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about that!

[ the Spartans chuckle among themselves ]

King Leonidas: Look, please! Put yourself in my position. I have public opinion to keep in mind, okay? Now, 40% of Sparta considers homosexuality an illness.

Stefanos: Well, 40% of Sparta doesn’t believe you were born in Greece.

King Leonidas: [ dumbstruck ] Ha! I have a borth certificate! [ he holds up a stone tablet that reads: “Leonidas – 3/14/506 BC – Sparta” ]

Stefanos: We’re NOT fighting until you make up your mind!

King Leonidas: [ he throws his birth table to the ground ] Aye. It seems I have no other choice! I didn’t become leader of an army this TOUGH — this AGGRESSIVE — this, uh — now, what’s the word I’m looking for?

Spartans: FIERCE!!!

King Leonidas: Exactly! FIERCE!! I didn’t become leader of an army this FIERCE by clinging to my popularity! So as of today, I declare Sparta’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” ban officially repealed! Yes! so, if you’re gay, feel free to raise your hand — PROUDLY! And publicly!

[ the demi-shirted warrior glances around awkwardly as all of his fellow soldiers slowly raise their hands high ]

King Leonidas: [ smiling ] Okay… okay… I know you all want to support your fellow soldiers, but seriously: who here is ACTUALLY gay?

[ everyone raises their hands high, including the demi-shirted warrior ]

King Leonidas: Really? Everyone? [ nervously ] Even you, Stelios?

Stelios: [ he nods ] Yeah!

King Leonidas: [ nervously ] So, when you oil me up before battle…?

Stelios: [ he shrugs ] No strategic value! Just wanted to get my HANDS on ya’!

King Leonidas: [ now ill ] And the leather sheath you made for my penis?

Stelios: Just… needed a reason to measure it!

King Leonidas: [ he pinches the area between his eyes ] And all the times we had sex?

Stelios: ALSO gay reasons!

[ music rises ]

King Leonidas: Well, alright! You’re STILL the greatest army on Earth! And if we DO live to see tomorrow, I’m sure we’ll have a good laugh about this in the bath house! [ he freezes ] Oh! The bath house! [ he smiles ] Okay, this is all starting to make more sense. But, TONIGHT!! WE DIE!! IN HEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!!!

[ the soldiers cry out and rush the camera to a freeze-frame ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Beauty and the Beast

Belle…..Kristen Wiig
Beast…..Gerard Butler
Lumiere…..Bill Hader
Cogsworth…..Bobby Moynihan
Mrs. Potts…..Jenny Slate

[ open on exterior, castle ]

Announcer: [with SCROLL ] Our enchanted story continues on a starry night, as love begins to blossom between the Beauty and the Beast.

[ dissolve to interior, Ballroom, as Belle and the Beast approach one another from opposite sides of the room ]

Beast: Would you do me the great honor of joining me in a dance?

Belle: The honor would be mine!

[ singing ] “Tale as old as time.”

Beast: “True as it can be.”

Belle: “Barely even friends.”

Beast: “Then somebody bends.”

Together: “Beauty and the Beast…”

Beast: Whenever I’m in your presence, I can feel dark clouds part… and the sun shining on my face.

Belle: They say true love can break the curse, and I can’t imagine a love more true than this!

Beast: Ohhhh, my darling! I can hardly wait until your transformation.

[ Belle raises her eyebrows ]

Belle: Uhhh — uh, w-w-What do you mean, my transformation?

Beast: You know. The curse will be broken, and you can stop being a beast.

Belle: [ aghast ] You think I’m the beast?

Beast: Uh, yeah — we were just, uh, singing about it. [ he sings ] “Beauty and the Beast…” [ he extends his hairy hand to her ]

Belle: No, well, it’s the other way around!

Beast: [ realizing her confusion ] Oh, this is awkward.

Belle: [ hurt ] How could you think I was the beast?!

Beast: Well, “beast” is a strong word. You know, YOU’RE the one who started throwing “beast” around! [ he sighs ] I’d say you’re like a… a 6!

Belle: [ flabbergasted ] A 6?! In my village, I’m considred a great beauty!

Beast: Ohhhh, I know. I’m sure. It’s just that — well, you’re very slender. And, I don’t know, I like… [ he whispers ] I like a big ass!

Belle: [ annoyed ] what?!

Beast: I like a… [ more confident ] a BIG ASS!!

[ he continues singing ]

“A tale as old as tiiiiime…”

Belle: No, no, no, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute, wait a minute! So, what were you hoping was gonna happen?

Beast: That we’d share true love’s kiss, and then you’d transform, you know, so you’d have a… BIG OL’ ASS!!

Belle: That is SICK! I can’t believe you thought YOU were the beauty!

Beast: [ insulted ] Oh, what’s so crazy about that?

Belle: Lumiere! Get in here!

[ the talking candelabra enters ]

Lumiere: Bonsoir?

Belle: [ calmly ] Who is the Beauty… and who is the Beast?

Lumiere: You both look like beasts to me!

Belle: What?!

Lumiere: Well, I’m a candelabra! I’m only attracted to other candelabras! Although, once, in college, I dated a menorah!

Beast: See? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[ Cogsworth the clock enters ]

Cogsworth: Indeed, it is! For instance, I’M a clock!

Belle: So, you’re only attracted to other clocks?

Cogsworth: No! I like women like you!

Belle: Hmm. Thank you.

Cogsworth: Yeah, but with, like, a BIG ASS!! Oh, like a… 3:45 ass!

Belle: What?!

Cogsworth: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s clock slang. Like a… [ he extends his arms ] 3:45 ASS!!! You know, like Teapot over there!

[ show Mrs. Potts off to the side, shaking it ]

Belle: [ insulted ] Okay… well… then why don’t you all just go hook up with her?

Beast: [ matter-of-factly ] Well, we do — all the time.

Cogsworth: Why do you think she lives here with us? Have you ever seen any of us drink tea?

Belle: Okay… okay, freaks! I’m leaving! You know what? Have fun in your ASS CASTLE!!

[ Belle storms out of the ballroom ]

Beast: How does she know we call it an “ass castle”?

[ Mrs. Potts struts forward ]

Mrs. Potts: Anyone care for a “tea party”?

Together: “Beauty and the Beast.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Daveheart

David….Gerard Butler
Scottish Rebel 1…. Jason Sudeikis
Scottish Rebel 2…. Bill Hader
Scottish Rebel 3…. Bobby Moynihan
French Princess…. Jenny Slate

[Poster of Mel Gibson’s epic “Braveheart” of William Wallace holding a sword]

Announcer: “Braveheart”. The timeless tale of William Wallace. Scotland’s greatest hero. And now this classic tale told again but from the perspective of William Wallace’s younger brother, David.

[poster of David for “Daveheart”]

[David and his band of rebels gather around on Scotland’s high plains]

David: Ok. Gather around. Now, I just returned from talking with those English bastards. And they say we’re outnumbered. [disapproving grunts] They say they have superior weapons.[more disapproving grunts] They told me we would be fools to fight them. So, here is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get the hell out of here before we get killed.

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart” The story of Scotland’s biggest coward. When history needed a hero, it knocked on the wrong door.

Scottish Rebel 1: So, you’re saying we should surrender?

David: I’m saying that on the count of three we should run off in different directions. They can’t catch all of us, can they? If they do catch you I recommend to pretend that you’re English. So, let’s practice. Everybody. [English accent] “Hello, governor. Fancy a cup of tea?” All right. Now you guys. Come on, let’s hear you.

Scottish Rebel 2: But years from now when we lie down in our beds, won’t we wish we had fought on this day?

David: No. No, you’ll think “What a comfy bed. I’m glad I didn’t die covered in mud”. You’ll say “Thanks, Daveheart”. That’s what you’ll say.

Scottish Rebel 3: How can we surrender?! The English lords deflower our virgins brides on their wedding nights!

David: First of all, none of your wives are virgins on their wedding nights. There are six girls in our village and like a hundred guys. So, no one is a virgin. Now back to business. We need to run away and we need to run away fast.

Someone from the crowd: Coward!

David: Coward?! Coward?! Ha! I resent that! [scared shitless] Oh, my God! What’s that?! [a goat] Oh, sorry. False alarm. It is just a goat. I thought it was a dragon.

[cut to various of David’s scared faces in battle]

Announcer: Some men fear death. Some dishonor. Daveheart was afraid of the dark and loud noises. A tale of cowardice in a time of courage. A man who despite a shameful attempt to flee was still captured and jailed.

[David is chained to the wall in a English dungeon. A pretty princess visits him.]

French Princess: They are going to torture you.

David: Oh, don’t say torture. I can’t piss myself any more than I already have, ok? I mean, I’m pissed out!

French Princess: I have brought you something. It will numb the pain. [shows a little bottle]

David: Oh, yeah. I want that. And give me a lot. I have a low tolerance for pain.

French Princess: You must be strong.

David: I can do that. Or, better idea. We switch clothes and then you get executed and I pretend to be a beautiful French princess. How is that?

French Princess: No. That will not work.

David: Of course it will work. I mean, our kilts, it will work.

French Princess: You will have to live as a woman with my husband.

David: [crying] I would rather live as a woman than die like a man! [girlie scream] Aaaaahhh!!! Dragon!! [a goat is next to the executioner]

Caption: DAVEHEART

Announcer: “Daveheart”. Worse than “Braveheart”. Buy it today.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

Goodnights

…..Gerard Butler

Gerard Butler: So, thanks to… [ the audience whoops and hollars ] Shakira! And this man here — James Franco! And I want to thank ALL of the incredible cast, all the writers, all the crew! Every one of you, my mom, everybody in Scotland, and everybody else that I like! Good night!

SNL Transcripts