Author: Don Roy King

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Mad Men/Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s

Pete Campbell…..Will Forte
Peggy Olson…..Elisabeth Moss
Harry Crane…..Bobby Moynihan
Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Roger Sterling…..John Slattery
Salvatore Romano…..Bill Hader
Joan Holloway…..Casey Wilson
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on animated “Mad Men” title card ]

[ dissolve to Sterling Cooper conference room, cigarette smoke wafting throughout the room ]

Pete Campbell: Where are these clients? Peggy, what time is it?

Peggy Olson: Don’t ask me. I’m just a woman; I’m not allowed to own a watch.

Pete Campbell: With good reason! I’m starving. I’m just going to eat something.

Harry Crane: Oh, I wouldn’t, until Don gets here.

Pete Campbell: He won’t care. Trust me.

[ Campbell reaches for a sandwich, as Don Draper bursts into the room ]

Don Draper: Campbell, put the sandwich down! They’re for clients!

Pete Campbell: Come on, Doooonn!

Don Draper: Fine! Do whatever you want!

[ Don Draper takes his seat, as Roger Sterling bursts into the room ]

Roger Sterling: Campbell! Put the sandwich down!

Pete Campbell: [ defeated ] Yes, sir…

Salvatore Romano: [ effeminately ] Who calls in the morning, and expects an ad pitch on the same day?

Don Draper: Clients!

Roger Sterling: Rich clients!

[ Joan Holloway saunters into the room ]

Joan Holloway: Mr. Sterling? Mr. Draper? Your clients have arrived.

Don Draper: Send them in, Miss Holloway.

Joan Holloway: I’m leaving. Wanna watch?

[ she saunters out of the room, as all the men stare with intense passion, except for Romano ]

[ Male and Female A-Hole suddenly enter the room, dressed in period wardrobe ]

Male A-Hole: Ready to hear some pitches, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ smacking her gum ] Yeah.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: And now… “Two A-Holes At An Ad Agency in the 1960s.”

[ dissolve back to conference room ]

Welcome. My name’s Don Draper. [ shakes Male A-Hole’s hand ]

Male A-Hole: Your hair looks hard!

Don Draper: Yeah. [ he chuckles, then shakes Female A-Hole’s hand ] And you look lovely.

Female A-Hole: I’m sick.

Don Draper: Oh. [ he pulls back his hand ] Great…

Roger Sterling: Well, uh, please — have a seat.

Male A-Hole: Sure.

[ they sit ]

Don Draper: Would you like something to drink.

Male A-Hole: Want a drink, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Male A-Hole: She wants something to drink!

Don Draper: Yeah… I heard her. What would you like?

Male A-Hole: What do you want, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ as she plays with her hair ] Guess!

Male A-Hole: She wants you to guess!

Don Draper: I heard her! [ thinking ] Uhhh — Gimlet?

Roger Sterling: Martini?

Harry Crane: Harvey Wallbanger?

Salvatore Romano: Grasshopper?

Pete Campbell: Oh, I know! She probably wants an egg cream.

Female A-Hole: I want a sandwich with lettuce!

Male A-Hole: Yeah. She’s hungry now.

Don Draper: Oh. Well, uh — [ acknowledges the sandwich tray ] All this food is for you. Help yourself.

Male A-Hole: They got us food, babe!

Female A-Hole: Yaaaaaayyyyy…

Male A-Hole: [ as he touches each sandwich with licked hands ] That’s ours… that’s ours now… that’s ours… that’s ours… you can have that.

Don Draper: Okay, great! Should we move on?

Male A-Hole: You want to move on, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ she holds up a cigarette ] I need a light for my cigarette.

Male A-Hole: I got it. [ he pulls out a lighter ] Here you go, babe. Yuo want me to spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark it, babe? [ he flicks the lighter ] You want me to spark your cigarette? [ he flicks the lighter ] Cigarette, bave? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark it? [ he flicks the lighter ] Spark-a-rette? [ he flicks the lighter ]

Don Draper: Okay, here — allow me.

[ Don Draper lights her cigarette, but she quickly extinguishes it and drops the cigarette ]

Female A-Hole: Smoking’s queer.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she doesn’t smoke.

Don Draper: Alright, uhhh — before we get started, uh — [ he flicks his cigarette ] I gotta be honest, uh, we received the prototype for your product, and we’re a bit confused. Uh — [ he picks up a weird-looking hula hoop ] What is this?

Male A-Hole: It’s a hula hoop with a strap on it! Show him how it works, babe. [ he places it over her head ] Look at this. Put it on like that. Check it! [ as the hula hoop dangles around her waist, she barely moves a muscle ] Look at how much fun she’s having! Look at her face!

Don Draper: I have to say… I am at a loss for words.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, it’s brilliant, right?

Don Draper: No. Because I don’t know how to sell it.

Male A-Hole: I know how to sell it. Celebrity endorsements. Like Marilyn Monroe. You guys know who Marilyn Monroe is?

Don Draper: Yes. Of course.

Male A-Hole: Babe! Do your Marilyn Monroe impression.

Female A-Hole: [ she raises her hand ] Happy Birthday.

Male A-Hole: [ smiling ] You guys get it? Huh? [ to Peggy ] You get it, Bangs?

Peggy Olson: Yes! It’s funny!

Male A-Hole: Marilyn Monroe? [ to Sterling ] Silver Fox? You get it?

Roger Sterling: It’s a good one.

Male A-Hole: [ to Romano ] What about you, gay guy?

Salvatore Romano: Who, meeeeeee??

Roger Sterling: Well, uh — I’m sorry, I guess we need a little more time.

Don Draper: No, wait… wait. [ he stands, as dramatic music plays ] The truth is, this hula hoop with suspenders doesn’t do anything. But, nowadays, we are expected to maintain our jobs, our families, our bodies, and our mortality. Isn’t doing nothing the ultimate luxury? We spend our lives jumping through hoops. Isn’t it time we… relaxed, inside one? [ Peggy nods ] ‘Cause none of us are angels… but we all occasionally deserve a halo. Gentlemen… these suspenders aren’t holding up some plastic ring… they’re suspending reality! They’re suspending our childhood! This isn’t just a hula hoop. It’s the circle of life!

[ Harry Crane fights a tear and runs out of the room, as the other executives applaud ]

Roger Sterling: So! What do you say?

Male A-Hole: No.

Female A-Hole: It’s stupid.

Roger Sterling: Alrighty, then. I’ll see you out. It’s, uh, noon — I’m on my way to the bar, anyway.

Female A-Hole: Wait. Your pocket square looks like a rabbit.

Roger Sterling: [ he glances downward and smiles ] So it does!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women

Don Draper…..Jon Hamm
Jessica…..Kristen Wiig
Second Woman…..Casey Wilson
Nathaniel Snerpus…..Fred Armisen
Third Woman…..Amy Poehler

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: And now, “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ dissolve to Don Draper standing in his office ]

Don Draper: Hello, I’m Don Draper, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have affairs with many women.

[ show clips of affair scenes from “Mad Men” ]

Don Draper V/O: Some say, “Boy, Don, how do you do it?”

[ cut back to Don Draper in his office ]

Don Draper: Well, it’s simple. And you can do it, too, if you follow my four easy steps.

Step 1: When in doubt, remain absolutely silent.

[ cue sultry music, as a woman enters Don’s office ]

Jessica: Hi, I’m Jessica.

[ Don remains silent, staring at her intently ]

Jessica: We’re shy, aren’t we?

[ Don remains silent ]

Jessica: [ desperately ] Marry me! I want to have your children!

[ Don stares over Jessica’s shoulder and into the camera with a smirk ]

Don Draper: See?

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 2: When asked about your past, give vague, open-ended answers.

[ cut to Don seated in the executive boardroom, as a second woman approaches him ]

Second Woman: So, Don… tell me about your family. Any brothers and sisters?

[ Don stops what he’s doing, and turns his gaze away from her ]

Don Draper: There… was a man. Bright… shiny shoes. [ he half-smiles ] I saw him dancing… until the accident.

Second Woman: [ she sighs seductively ] Oh, how mysterious!

[ cut to close-up of Don, as he winks at the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: Step 3: Have a great name.

Don Draper: [ cut to group of women giggling in the office, as a male co-worker stands over their cubicle ]

Nathaniel Snerpus: Hi! I’m Nathaniel Snerpus.

[ the women roll their eyes, then rise to get away from him ]

[ one of the women passes Don Draper upon her exit, and stops to introduce herself ]

Third Woman: Well, hello!

Don Draper: Don Draper.

Third Woman: [ swooning ] Let’s get me out of this skirt.

Don Draper: [ Don turns to give a look toward the camera ]

[ cut to Don seated behind his desk ]

Don Draper: And finally, Step 4:

Look fantastic in a suit.

Look fantastic in casual wear.

Look fantastic in anything.

Sound good.

Smell good.

Kiss good.

Strut around with supreme confidence.

Be uncannily successful at your job.

Blow people away every time you say anything.

Take six-hour lunches.

Disappear for weeks at a time.

Lie to everyone about everything.

Drink and smoke constantly.

Basically… be Don Draper.

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Don Draper’s Guide to Picking Up Women”.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Pat Finger

Pat Finger…..Jon Hamm

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Just because we’re small, doesn’t mean our ideas have to be… Don’t you think it’s time to elect someone with big ideas?

[Dissolve to a map showing the location of Butts, NY]

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I’m running for City Council right here in beautiful Butts, New York… You know I grew up here in Butts, so I’m very familar with the sights, the sounds and the smells of Butts Valley. In other words… I’m deeply concerned of what’s going on inside Butts; I promise to improve our bridges and roads with a special focus on repairing potholes. I will do everything in my power to plug up each and every Butts hole… There’s one thing I know it’s this: to get this things done, you’re gonna need a Finger in Butts… [remains in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Finger in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN, The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: What do you think is more important? Politics or people? we think… People.

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I’m running for City Council in Butts, New York… I’m still not so sure what’s the darn funny about my last campaign spot but… I want you to know that my passion for Butts is no laughing matter… Loving Butts is a tradition in my family. In 1869, my great grandfather E.T. Finger fell in love with Butts and well, there’s been a whole mess of Fingers in Butts ever since. But things don’t always go smoothly in Butts, in fact we have a pretty serious crack problem, and I want you drug dealers to hear me loud and clear… when I’m elected I can’t wait to lick the crack in Butts! [remains again in silence thinking of what he just said]

[Cut to a photo of Pat Finger along with his logo.]

Jingle: Vote Pat Finger, he’s gonna lick crack in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Finger for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

[FADE IN The ad starts with pictures of different american landscapes and people]

Announcer: Isn’t Butts ready for a change?

[Dissolve to Pat Finger with a waving American flag as a background]

Pat Finger: Hi, I’m Pat Finger, and I get it now, I know why you’ve been forwarding all my ads to your friends with a header that says “LOL” ha ha, Finger and Butts yeah very funny… Because I’m so serious about protecting the integrity of my campaign, I’ve decided to legally change my name, I know it’s maybe a confusing move in the middle of an election, but I felt the change was for the best. I will probably be taking my mother’s middle name… her family was french canadian but they’ve lived happily in Butts… the town, for over 150 years. So in November 6th, vote for me, Pat Deldeaux [pronounced dildo]… Oh, wait!!!!

[Cut to a photo of Pat Deldeaux along with his logo.]

Jingle: Cast your vote and put a Deldeaux in Butts!

Announcer: Paid for by the Committee to elect Pat Deldeaux for City Council.

[FADE OUT]

Submitted by: Ramon

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Goodnights

…..Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm: Ohhh, my God! Thank you so much to Coldplay! Maya Rudolph! John Slattery! Elizabeth Moss! Thank you all so much, it’s amazing! Once again — Coldplay!

[ the camera pans back over to Coldplay ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm’s John Ham

…..Jon Hamm

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO 8A — ROCKFELLER CENTER

[ JON HAMM stands centered in a dark background. ]

Jon Hamm: Hello, I’m Jon Hamm. You know – ad executives are always tryingto find new and exciting way to advertise products to the Americanconsumer. Well tonight, I’m here to talk to you about a product thatdoesn’t need any “glitz” or “gloss”. It’s a product that speaks foritself, and I’m proud to endorse it — “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”. The ham youcan eat in the bathroom.

[ Jon holds a box saying JON HAMM’S JOHN HAM. The background behind himlights up to REVEAL a bathroom. ]

Jon Hamm: Let’s face it… we live in a fast paced world. But if you’re as busyas I am, you have to make a decision. Am I going to eat lunch? Or am Igoing to go to the bathroom? Now you never have to make that choice again.

[ Jon strolls over to the bathroom stall behind him and seats himself. ]

Jon Hamm: Each “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” dispenser is located… opposite thetoilet paper dispenser, so you’re not confused. And unlike other bathroomham dispensers, only “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” has the finest boar’s headroasted ham.

[ Jon removes a piece of ham of the ham dispenser and swallows a piece. ]

Jon Hamm: Mmmm. That’s good ham.

[ Jon steps off of the toilet and strolls TOWARDS the camera. ]

Jon Hamm: Now I know what you’re thinking – ‘I’m only endorsing JOHN HAMbecause Jon Hamm is my name’ Well, you’re wrong. You’re dead wrong. Firstof all, my last name has two “M’s” and second of all, my first namedoesn’t have an “H”. Feel like a dummy yet? Because you should. If youorder in the next five minutes, you’ll get a free dispenser of “Jon Hamm’sMUSTARD SOAP”.

[ Jon strolls over to the mirror to a yellow soap dispenser. ]

Jon Hamm: It’s a delicious mustard with no soap properties at all.

[ Jon dispenses some mustard on his hands and takes a lick. ]

Jon Hamm: And if you’re wondering… it tastes great on ham. So what are youwaiting for? Don’t find yourself on the toilet craving high-quality hamslices. Tell your boss to order one for the office today.

[ SUPER: BLUE SCREEN ]

Announcer: To order “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM”, call 1-800-555-0199 or go toour website at jonhammsjohnham/ham.ham.com.

Jon Hamm: And remember the “Jon Hamm’s JOHN HAM” motto — if it feels like aslice of ham, don’t wipe your ass with it.

[ Jon takes another bite of a ham slice. ]

FADE OUT.

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Trick or Treat

Jeff Montgomery….Will Forte
Bob Peterson….Jon Hamm

(Opens with a man giving out candy to a couple of little kids on Halloween. He drops candy into their plastic jack o´lanterns.)

Bob Peterson: Here is a Snickers for each of you. And for old times sake, how about a Charleston chew?

Kids: Thank you, Mr. Peterson.

(Kids leave. Mr. Peterson goes back inside, closes his door. A 40 ish man wearing glasses, a mustache and a plastic jack o´lantern approaches Bob´s door and rings the doorbell. Bob opens the door.)

Jeff Montgomery: Trick or treat!

Bob Peterson: Can I help you?

Jeff Montgomery: Well, that depends. You have any Kit-Kat bars? Heck, I´ll take anything without toffee. Its a real bitch on the fillings. Hey, don´t call me a bitch! You´re the bitch, bitch! Wha-a-at?! Seriously though, trick or treat.

Bob Peterson: Aren´t you a little old to be trick or treating?

Jeff Montgomery: What? Is 43 too old to be on Halloween´s spirit? By spirit I don´t mean ghost. Heck, I´m not that old! Wha-a-a-at?!

(Bob slams the door in Jeff´s face. Jeff rings doorbell again)

Jeff Montgomery: Look, I realize this is a little unusual but you know, I just moved into the neighborhood and you know, I figured I used trick or treating as an excuse to get out and make some new friends. I apologize for being so awkward.

Bob Peterson: No, you know, that´s quite all right. That wasn´t very neighborly of me and I apologize. Bob Peterson.

(Both shake hands)

Jeff Montgomery: Jeff Montgomery, pleasure to meet you.

Bob Peterson: This doesn´t excuse my behavior but, uh, I hope you accept a Reese’s peanut butter cup.

(Jeff grabs big handfuls of candy from Bob´s plastic jack o´lantern and deposits it into his own)

Jeff Montgomery: I couldn´t think of a better welcoming gift.

Bob Peterson: Just out of curiosity. What exactly is your Halloween costume?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender.

Bob Peterson: Excuse me?

Jeff Montgomery: I´m a sex offender. Oh, oh, for Halloween!

Bob Peterson: You´re a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Yeah, pretty convincing, huh? Here, watch this: ” I´m Jeff Montgomery. By law I´m required to inform you that I am a repeat offender and I´ll be living in your neighborhood.” Great costume, right? (hands over papers to Bob) Could you sign and date this, please?

Bob Peterson: What am I signing?

Jeff Montgomery: Oh, you will get a big kick out of this! You see, as part of my costume I´m having everyone sign this forms acknowledging that there is a sex offender living in the neighborhood. Et cetera, et cetera.

Bob Peterson: Let´s just be clear on something here. Is sex offender your Halloween costume? Or are you fulfilling a legal obligation to declare yourself a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Bob, lighten up! Its Halloween, huh? Besides, this is a tradition. You know, I do this everytime I move into a new town.

Bob Peterson: Are you Jeff Montgomery, a sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Am I, Jeff Montgomery, a registered sex offender on Halloween? Yes.

Bob Peterson: What about not on Halloween?

Jeff Montgomery: Yes, even when it’s not Halloween, I´m still Jeff Montgomery.

Bob Peterson: A sex offender?

Jeff Montgomery: Look, you´re missing the point here, Bob! The point is Halloween spirit! The point is trick or treat! The point is could you sign those papers?

Bob Peterson: Look, last chance and I will check with the police on this. Do you have a criminal record?

Jeff Montgomery: Absolutely not. Look, if I am guilty of anything its the crime of sexually assaulting 5 teenagers. (long uncomfortable pause) You know, this is gonna sound like a terrible segue but are you looking for a babysitter? Happy Halloween! Wha-a-at?!

(scene freezes on Jeff´s crazy ass face)

Caption: Happy Halloween.

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 6

08f: Jon Hamm / Coldplay

Jon Hamm’s Monologue

…..Jon Hamm

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jon Hamm!

Jon Hamm: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Aw! It is — it is — it is GREAT to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Uh — I have had — I have had a really fun year starring in the critically-acclaimed AMC series, “Mad Men”. [ the audience cheers ] Uh — you know, uh, when I talk to people about “Mad Men”, they always ask me the same questions: “What is ‘Mad Men’?”, “Is that a television show?”, “What is AMC?”, “What number’s that on my cable box?” And “Are you sure you don’t mean A&E?” Not everyone has discovered our show yet.

Uh, so, tonight, in hopes of boosting our ratings, I’d like to tell you what you’ll see if you tune in. “Mad Men” is a… measured period piece, set in the early 1960s, that explores the social mores of advertising excutives who, uh — [ knowing he’s lost the audience ] well, who like to dance! [ he chuckles ] With the stars! It’s a cut-throat elimination celebrity dancing show! And it’s on AMC, ten p.m., on Sunday! Uh — the show stars me… uhhhh, everyone from “C.S.I.”… all of the Phillies, and the Rays… Oh! We also make over homes, but in an extreme way! So don’t miss next week’s episode, it’s — it’s the season finale! And I don’t want to give anything away, but, uh — John McCain and Barack Obama show up… and smoke REAL weed! I can’t believe they agreed to do it, but they did, and it’s on “Mad Men”, ten p.m., Sunday, AMC. It’s — it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, you guys, it’s — it’s pretty late in the episode, so watch the WHOLE thing! McCain FREAKS out! It’s crazy! Sarah Palin has to talk him down — she’s there, too!

It’s insane! It’s a great show. Uh, and we have a great show tonight — Coldplay is here. So stick around, we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:

September 13th, 2008

Michael Phelps

Lil Wayne

None

Tina Fey

William Shatner

Debbie Phelps

Jared Fogel

None


A Non-Partisan Message From Sarah Palin & Hillary ClintonSummary: Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) and Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler) strive to deliver a nonpartisan message despite their disparaging feelings toward one another.

Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Transcript

Montage

Michael Phelps’ MonologueSummary: Michael Phelps tries to avoid hasty endorsements like William Shatner and introduces his mom (Amy Poehler) and his real mom.

Bio: Michael Phelps (1985-). Swimmer; won eight gold medals at the 2008 Olympic Games, surpassing Mark Spitz’s record of seven at the 1972 Olympic Games.

Note: The monologue was originally to have centered around Sen. Barack Obama, who was scheduled to make a cameo appearance but cancelled the night before because of Hurricane Ike’s landfall in Texas. Chuck Norris was also scheduled to make a cameo appearance during the monologue, but likewise cancelled because of Hurricane Ike.

Transcript

Quiz BowlSummary: The home-schooled Jasper Family competes against the public school-educated students of Richmond High.

Transcript

Jar GloveSummary: The product that offers a more viable solution for opening a jar that doesn’t involve accidental homicide.

Transcript

Locker Room MotivationSummary: Coach (Will Forte) tries to inspire his swim team’s impending loss by playing “Dancing Plants”.

Recurring Characters: Coach.

Transcript

Craig & StaciaSummary: Mr. and Mrs. Triggs (Bill Hader, Amy Poehler) are oblivious to how annoying his employees find their oversized daughter Stacia (Kristen Wiig) and her gangly cousin Craig (Michael Phelps).

Recurring Characters: Mr. Triggs, Mrs. Triggs, Stacia.

Lil Wayne performs “Got Money”Lyrics

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Alaska Pete (Will Forte) takes offense to media bias against Sarah Palin; political comedian Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) is unable to finish his thoughts on current events or Seth Meyers; comics page Cathy (Andy Samberg) frets about her life.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.

The Charles Barkley ShowSummary: In order to pay back his gambling debts, Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) interviews Bela Karolyi (Darrell Hammond) and Michael Phelps in a Las Vegas’ Wynn Casino’s day care.

Recurring Characters: Charles Barkley, Bela Karolyi.

T-MobileSummary: Dad (Jason Sudeikis) gets in trouble with Mom (Kristen wiig) after agreeing with his son (Michael Phelps) that his daughter’s (Casey Wilson) friends are hot.

Transcript

An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Andy Samberg sings about the “Space Olympics”.

Transcript

Pizzeria UnoSummary: Mark Payne (Bobby Moynihan) waits on a couple (Michael Phelps, Amy Poehler).

Transcript

Lil Wayne performs “Lollipop”Lyrics

The Michael Phelps DietSummary: The fail-safe weight-loss approach that has dieters eating as many calories as Michael Phelps.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

LoveMatchConnect.comSummary: Yet another online matchmaking ad parody.

The Justice League of AmericaSummary: To downsize their organization, Justice League members decide to let weak link Aquaman (Michael Phelps) go.

Larry KingSummary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) attempts an unsuccessful interview with newspaper reporter Bob Woodward (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Budget Bridal GownsSummary: Save money on bridal gowns by buying secondhand apparel complete with stains.

Katy PerrySummary: Singer Katy Perry (Casey Wilson) stresses that she has other songs besides “I Kissed a Girl”.

Old DaysSummary: While watching a football game, a couple of old men (LeBron James, Kenan Thompson) talk about how the game used to be played in the old days.

History’s Greatest Stories

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

The Michael Phelps Diet

…..Michael Phelps
…..Jared Fogle
Diet guy….Will Forte
Diet Girl 1….Casey Wilson
Diet Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Before and After models….Bill Hader, Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig

[Opens with a girl looking at a jar]

Announcer: Are you tired of counting calories?

[Girl nods yes]

[A guy is eating a sorry looking plate of food]

Announcer: Are you sick of tiny portions and food that taste like cardboard?

[They guy nods yes]

Announcer: What if there were a way to get the results you want without sacrificing the food you love.

[Cut to Olympic champion Michael Phelps]

Michael Phelps: Hi, I’m Olympic champion Michael Phelps. You know, I had to sacrifice a lot to earn 8 gold medals at the Beijing Olympics. But one thing I never sacrificed was a good meal. And neither should you. [Camera pans back and reveals a table filled with steaks, hot dogs, donuts, a big jar of Nutella] Introducing the Michael Phelps diet. The only diet that lets you eat whatever Micahel Phelps eats. As you can tell, it works wonders for me.[Photo of Michael screaming while winning the gold at the Olympics games, his body is ripped with muscles]

[Cut to the Diet guy]

Announcer: Hungry for a delicious, nutritious breakfast?

Diet guy: I sure am.

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: Well, how about 3 fried egg sandwiches, a stack of chocolate chip pancakes, a bowl of grits, a 5 egg omelet, french toast with powdered sugar and a gallon of coffee ice cream.[puts the gallon down on the table that is filled with pancakes and all sort of foods]

Diet guy: Wow!

Announcer: Tired of suffering through a salad at lunch?

[Diet girl nods yes. Michael gets next to her]

Michael Phelps: Then cozy up to a pound of pasta, 3 Cuban sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise, a fried turkey stuffed with molasses, a barrel of Halloween candy and to wash it all down? A barrel of Hollandaisse sauce.[puts barrel on the table]

Diet girl: Now that’s a lunch!

Michael Phelps: And for dinner a whole pork butt[image of pork butt], two piñatas filled with corned beef hash[image of piñatas], 4 wedding cakes[images of cakes], an actual pig in a blanket[image of roasted pig with a blanket on top], a tub of pasta Alfredo[image of filled tub]. You can eat whatever you like as long as it adds up to 12,000 calories a day.

Caption: Warning: Caloric intake based on 4,000 laps a day at world-record pace.

Michael Phelps: Can you believe it? Is that simple.

Announcer: Imagine the body you always wanted with a diet that seems to good to be true.

[Image of a thin guy in a Before picture. The After picture the guy is a fat pig]

[Image of a happy go-lucky guy in a Before picture. The After picture is the word DIABETES]

[Image of a thin lady in a Before picture. The After picture is a coffin]

[A thin lady on a picture. The same lady talks next to the picture]

Diet girl 2: I’ve been on the Michael Phelps diet for almost 2 weeks and people are already coming up to me and saying “Congratulations”[reveals a big-ass stomach] Because they know I found the perfect diet.

[cut to diet guy]

Diet Guy: I’ve never felt this full before!

[Michael gets next to him]

Michael Phelps: And you haven’t even touched your bacon-wrapped sausage, your buttered wrapped meatballs or your two other geese.

Diet guy: Dream body, here I come![grabs a handful of pancake]

[cut to famous diet guy from Subway’s commercials]

Jared Fogel: Hey, I’m Jared Fogel for Subway. I know a little something about weight loss and I can honestly say this diet sucks a foot long!

Michael Phelps: Thanks, Jared. The Michael Phelps diet. Because you don’t have to train like an Olympic athlete to have an Olympic body. [ SUPER: “Yes You do” ]

[Diet girl is squeezing frosting into her mouth]

Diet Girl: Yumm, cake frosting!

Michael Phelps: Are you gonna finish that?

Diet Girl: Hey! Get your own! I’m on a diet!

[Image of a smiling Michael Phelps carrying an enormous stack of frosted donuts]

Announcer: The Michael Phelps Diet. Looking this good never tasted so delicious. Almost certainly fatal.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 1

08a: Michael Phelps / Lil Wayne

Goodnights

…..Michael Phelps

[ return from commercial to bumper memorializing Bernie Brillstein ]

[ fade to black ]

[ fade up on Michael Phelps and the cast ]

Michael Phelps: Thanks to Lil Wayne and Tina Fey, William Shatner, and Jared Fogel. Thanks to my mom! I love you guys for coming. Have a good Saturday!

SNL Transcripts